00:00before anyone jumps down my throat saying things like this is your first baby you're ridiculous for
00:04having feelings like this what if your baby comes across this video one day when they grow up i hope
00:10my baby does come across this video one day when they grow up so that they know that this is normal
00:14i also know that once the baby is born i'm going to love them with my whole entire heart but that
00:20doesn't change the way i felt when i first found out the gender of the baby that i'm having i am
00:25having a boy and i was just not expecting a boy at all there was no fiber in my being that thought
00:35it was going to be a boy i don't really know why i always had this picture of myself just having girls
00:41and i was just like deeply deeply convinced that i was having a girl so when the gender results came
00:49back and my husband and i like opened them up the amount of shock i felt when i saw it's a boy
00:57like i can't even explain it my initial reaction was literally like what like oh my god like i didn't
01:05really feel the feel the i didn't really feel the real feelings that i would go on to feel right in
01:11that moment but as the day went on i was just kind of like oh my god like you're having a boy just could
01:18feel the disappointment growing inside of me and so what do i do i go to tiktok to just see if i
01:25wasn't the only one i'd like didn't even know that gender disappointment was a thing i think i searched
01:31like what to do when you're not happy with the results gender results of your baby or something like
01:36that and all of these videos came up and a couple of them made me feel a little bit better but then i
01:43saw this one and it was like you get sent the baby you deserve or something like that well i can
01:50appreciate that sentiment like i was not in the headspace to see something like that and immediately
01:57i just get flooded with all these thoughts like i don't deserve a girl you know i can barely take care
02:04of myself as a girl like why should i think i could ever take care of a girl baby um like my low self
02:14esteem is because is the reason why i'm not having a girl like all of these things and like that seeing
02:20that one video and having all of these thoughts come came up it just caused me to break down and i
02:26literally sobbed for about two hours straight i did the same exact thing the next day just really
02:32cried about it for two hours straight and the only way i can explain why i was feeling that way is
02:40because it felt like i was almost grieving something that wasn't that had never even existed you know i
02:48never was having a girl i just had thought up this big story in my mind that i was going to have a girl
02:54and having that almost like ripped away from me it was traumatizing i'm not gonna lie like
03:02it was so so so hard for me since then i've just been kind of processing it um this was honestly
03:11probably like five weeks ago at this point that we got the news of the gender i said in the beginning
03:15of this video i know once the baby is born i'm going to love him so much i'm going to be obsessed with
03:20him and you know maybe ultimately i'll be happy that it's a boy and it's not a girl and i have
03:27more children so i hope one day i do get my girl but it just has brought up so many different things
03:33i don't have the best relationship with my mom right now a part of me was like wanting to have
03:39a girl so that i could kind of like show that i could be a better mom than my mom is being to me
03:44right now a lot of things like all the trauma that men have put me through over the years i'm like
03:51i have one of those like growing inside me like even talking about it now like i feel like i'm
03:55tearing up like wanting to cry about it um and even though this is like a scary thing to post on
04:01tiktok because i feel like people can be so mean and maybe people are watching this and are like
04:06you dumb like you should just be happy that you're pregnant you should be so grateful that
04:10you're pregnant and again i am like i've said so many times in multiple videos two things can be
04:16true at once now that more time has passed i am getting more excited again about having a boy
04:22having a baby boy i wanted to post this just so it finds anyone else who might be feeling these same
04:30feelings and who might be feeling that oh my god i'm like not even a mom yet and i'm such a horrible
04:35mother i was dealing with so much feelings of shame too in the beginning just like
04:39not wanting this baby to feel any like ounce of like unwantedness from me and i was like i'm evil
04:47like what kind of person thinks this way but my feelings are valid if you're feeling the same way
04:54your feelings are valid and i just wanted to come on here to just tell you that you're not alone
05:09you
05:09you
05:10you
05:10you
05:10You
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