Mock the Week - Season 5 Episode 01- Hugh Dennis, Frankie Boyle, Michael McIntyre, Andy Parsons, Russell Howard, Jan Ravens
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00:00It happens throughout the world, but don't believe in everything you see or hear.
00:09Read all about it, read all about it.
00:15Listen to the world, listen to the world.
00:18Read all about it, read all about it.
00:23Listen to the world, listen to the world.
00:30Thank you very much. Thank you. Yes, we're back.
00:33Hello and welcome to the first in a new series of Mock the Week.
00:36I'm Dara Breen. Joining me this week gives a huge welcome to Andy Parsons, Jan Ravens and Russell Howard, Frankie Boyd, Hugh Dennis and Michael McIntyre.
00:53We'll start straight off with the sexiest story, ladies and gentlemen.
00:56It's headliners. Here's a picture of Prime Minister Gordon Brown settling into his new office.
01:02Wow. Feel the energy drain out of the room.
01:05What does GBTC stand for?
01:09Is it give Blair this cyanide?
01:12Is it actually give back Tony's cup?
01:17Or is it grumpy bunny takes control?
01:20Is it Gordon's...
01:23That's a sex toy, sorry.
01:24Is it...
01:25You've got the new grumpy bunny. It's hideous, seriously.
01:29I've never watched it vibrate as much as it's shrug.
01:36Here's an aw.
01:38Is it Gordon's butler, the claw?
01:41Gordon Brown Termite Cathedral?
01:46His body has been used as a place of worship by Britain's termite community.
01:51Is it that?
01:53Er, hang on, no, no, let me check.
01:56Er...
01:57Er...
01:58Is it more, Dan?
02:00No, no, no.
02:01The, er, Gordon Brown takes charge, takes control.
02:04It's absolutely the correct answer, well done.
02:06There you go.
02:07Yes, the answer I was looking for was, of course, Gordon Brown takes charge.
02:14This refers to the long-awaited handover power from Tony Blair to his former Chancellor at the end of June.
02:20Are you all enjoying Gordon Brown, having fun with him?
02:22He's stunningly dull.
02:24Can you imagine what the party was like when he took power?
02:28Dry crackers all round and a video of outtakes from Songs of Praise.
02:34This isn't Sam 53!
02:38I think they should do what they do with boring cartoon characters and give him, like, a little sidekick.
02:45Just like a disco dancing raccoon, maybe.
02:48What's that, Chippy?
02:51You want me to put VAT on children's clothing?
02:54Well, you're the boss.
02:57I like the fact they'd sort of, he'd blame his unpopularity on Chippy.
03:01And would Chippy be constantly moonwalking behind him, out of view?
03:05He'd just walk forward and then, and then back in again.
03:08Is that the way Chippy works?
03:09Yeah, yeah, pretty much.
03:10Okay.
03:11He does, he does look pretty uncomfortable, doesn't he, Gordon Brown?
03:13And I think that's because he, not a lot of people know, he's actually blind in one of his eyes.
03:18And I think so, as people do know that he, he should wear a little patch.
03:21You see, nobody would muck with Britain then, would they?
03:25If we were run by a pirate.
03:28The trouble is, he wouldn't be some sort of swashbuckling sort of Jack Sparrow thing, would he?
03:33He'd look more, with a patch, he'd look more like the bear from Children in Need.
03:37We'd have the right honourable Pudsey running the country.
03:42Does that mean that there would have been meetings between Blair, Brown and Blunkett,
03:47and only three good eyes in that room?
03:50The worst thing about that is, the other thing is...
03:52Blair could have run in, run in the blind spot, while they were shouting.
03:56And Brown could be going, I can't wait for him to go, I've never liked him, I'm gonna overthrow him.
04:00And he's like, surprise, I was here all along, he didn't see me.
04:03But the other thing, the other thing about that cabinet, the other thing about that cabinet,
04:13is that Jack Sparrow has tinnitus, so he can't hear anything.
04:17He's just got a constant buzzing in his head.
04:20So, it's a blind man, a half-blind man, and a man with tinnitus, it's not...
04:23It's like the Wes of the Voice or something.
04:25They should all join forces like Optimus Prime did to create his one true self.
04:30All the jump in between each other.
04:32Hazel Bler is a munchkin, isn't she?
04:33Hazel Bler is only about so so high.
04:35Hazel Bler makes all her speeches from down there, doesn't she?
04:37It's like a pint-sized Hazel Bler.
04:40She's pint-sized, she's really, really small, and he only has one eye, so therefore no depth perception.
04:45He must think she's a long way away all the time.
04:49What's confusing me slightly about Gordon Brown, though, is that everybody said he's had a very good start as Prime Minister,
04:54but in the time he's been Prime Minister, we've had an interest rate rise, it hasn't stopped raining, and we've been attacked by terrorists.
05:00It hasn't been a great start in some ways, but yet also, it's been perfect, you know?
05:06He gets to look prime ministerial while the world's most inept terrorists attack in a really arse-from-elbow-not-knowing kind of way.
05:16When they go to a barbecue shop and buy some nails and think, buy some magical potion, they will become a bomb if you phone them often enough from the mobile.
05:27They're sort of like clown terrorists.
05:31Yeah.
05:32All the doors fall off their car.
05:35The next attack will be by two guys knocking each other over with a big plank of sentence.
05:41What is it with the phone? What is it?
05:44They set the bugs off by mobile.
05:47This is quite dangerous, surely, if you get, are they panicking, wrong numbers? Could this happen?
05:52Does that mean if they ring, is it their mobile has the, if they ring your mobile, it explodes?
05:57Or if you're trying to phone someone and you're like, is Derek fair?
06:00And like, no, this is detonator.
06:02Never phone here.
06:03You must not text on this number.
06:05Hello, is that NHS Direct?
06:07Once, maybe, not anymore.
06:09Not anymore.
06:10Now, I have a local spirit.
06:12There's a fallacy that what happened here was that hundreds of people were saved from being horribly burnt.
06:19But these were Scottish people flying to Spain.
06:22They're going to come back looking like they've been bungee jumping in a volcano.
06:29If anything, the one day's, the one day's delay in the holiday has saved them even more.
06:36Apparently they were, were all doctors and it was probably that, you know, one of them wrote out the, uh, sort of prescription for how to make the bomb and none of the others could read it.
06:46I mean, it is a damning indictment of the NHS.
06:49The sheer lack of quality of bomb making.
06:51It's no surprise they worked for the NHS.
06:54They may have learnt to put bombs together, but it was in the NHS that they learned to miss their targets.
06:59What if, you know, I do say one thing, while we discuss this, the guy in flames running around Glasgow Airport shouting, Allah is good.
07:12And that one we have to just say, he may have been looking for a fast backdrop.
07:16Who knows if someone's on flames, what they're shouting?
07:21I mean they said it was Allah, it may have been, ahhh!
07:25Apparently, apparently he now has his mobile phone melted into his body, although on the
07:31bright side he is now much easier to get hold of, but he should change his ringtone to Disco
07:37Inferno.
07:38The best thing to come out of all the terror attacks, two days after the attack on Tiger
07:49Tiger, did you see who went there?
07:51Stephen Hawkins, how fantastic is that, just from nowhere, I would like to go to Tiger Tiger
07:55and then try to go, well that's fantastic Stephen, you're not afraid of the terrorists, no it's
08:00full of slags, you know, I like to picture him rocking up, plugging himself into the sound
08:06system and just go, when I say Tiger, you say rah, Tiger rah, Tiger rah.
08:12That probably didn't happen, but it all happened.
08:16The NHS link has been drawn by a number of players, the Evening Standard ran a contrast
08:20between the number of people accused of terrorism in the NHS and the fact that junior doctors
08:26are finding it very difficult to get jobs at the moment under this ridiculous recruitment
08:30scheme and they ran a headline which you could have gone, hmmm, isn't it ironic, a gentle
08:34type of headline going with strange days that we live in, instead they ran with this headline
08:39which isn't in any way scary, yeah, NHS revolving door of terror!
08:44And which at first glance are going, well they should just wedge that shut, really.
08:48And rather having people, like, you know, with those kind of saline drifts, just walking
08:54around 360 degrees, constantly going, where did the door stop, like...
08:58Do you still, even at your age, when you go through the door and you enter, just sometimes
09:03go in for one more loop just for the hell of it?
09:04Have you ever misjudged it slightly, and found yourself wedged up, ramming yourself into
09:09the man in front, and hoping that we can please get to the opening now, cos I'm just...
09:14Get to the opening?!
09:15I mean...
09:16APPLAUSE
09:17By the way, with the new Prime Minister, why, incidentally, were we still discussing the
09:27Blair government this week?
09:28Well...
09:29It was only last week that he went.
09:31LAUGHTER
09:32No, seriously.
09:33What...
09:34Why are we still discussing the Blair's this week?
09:35I think it was Alistair Campbell's diaries.
09:37Oh, yeah, yeah.
09:38Indeed it was.
09:39I mean, they've just finished on this very channel.
09:40It'd be great if he did it in the style of Alan Bennett, wouldn't it?
09:43Just reading the diaries.
09:44Tony came in and said, we're going to war.
09:47Oh no, felt I, and went out for vegetables.
09:50LAUGHTER
09:51APPLAUSE
09:56But it's actually a really dull diary, isn't it?
09:59He apparently's left out four-fifths of his actual diary, cos he doesn't want to give
10:03David Cameron any ammunition against Gordon Brown and...
10:06Yeah, then why release him now?
10:07Why not wait ten years, twenty years?
10:09Well, exactly, but...
10:10Because he won't make as much money.
10:11Yeah, this is true.
10:12That's exactly...
10:13The question was less rhetorical than I expected.
10:15LAUGHTER
10:16Once I said it, there was actually quite a straightforward answer.
10:19LAUGHTER
10:20He's actually set down his own dossier.
10:22What was the most embarrassing thing for Brown in it?
10:24Oh, he was stuck in the toilet, wasn't he?
10:26Yeah, he was.
10:27Yeah, he was, yeah, yeah.
10:28He was, when they were deciding who was going to take out from John Smith.
10:31Who was stuck in the loo?
10:32Brown got trapped in the toilet.
10:33Brown got trapped in the toilet.
10:34In the bathroom, not in the toilet.
10:36Wait a minute.
10:37What?
10:38Like on an aeroplane cos of suction dragged him down.
10:40Oh!
10:41He's just...
10:42He's...
10:43He's...
10:44He really liked that bit from Trainspotting.
10:45He got stuck in a bathroom and he had to make a mobile phone call to Blair.
10:51Yeah.
10:52And Blair had to go and put the key to the window and he had to hand the key out.
10:56Aren't Diaries a sort of weird way to present information in the modern world?
11:01Today we lied about our reasons for going to war.
11:04Oh, look, it's Pancake Tuesday.
11:06LAUGHTER
11:08Give that round of the points go to Hugh, Frankie and Michael!
11:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
11:19Now we play a round called NHS Revolving Door of Happiness.
11:23LAUGHTER
11:24This game involves Michael, Andy, Frankie and Russell.
11:27So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
11:30This is where we test our performance stand-up skills.
11:32We spin our high-tech news generator and it randomly settles on a topic
11:36and anyone can volunteer some jokes about the chosen subject.
11:39OK, here we go.
11:41Let's spin the wheel.
11:44It's travel.
11:45Who wants to come in on that?
11:47Andy Parsons.
11:48Now, then.
11:49It is quite tricky, isn't it?
11:51Travelling at the moment.
11:52You go over to America, they actually fingerprint you.
11:55Now, ladies and gentlemen, but only two of your fingers.
11:58So, provided you've used only eight fingers to commit a crime...
12:02LAUGHTER
12:04I should be absolutely fine.
12:06America, of course, the self-styled home of democracy,
12:09when, at the moment, their current president is the son of a previous president
12:14and it looks like their next president may well be the wife of a previous president.
12:19What a democracy.
12:20Hey, ladies and gentlemen.
12:21Say what you like about Britain, but I think we're unlikely to elect Mark Thatcher...
12:26LAUGHTER
12:27..or Norma Major.
12:29APPLAUSE
12:32Thank you very much, Andy.
12:34APPLAUSE
12:35Thank you very much, Andy.
12:36Right, let's spin the wheel again.
12:39The subject is relationships.
12:42Yeah, that means relationships, that picture there.
12:45LAUGHTER
12:46Yes, I am in a relationship with my wife.
12:48Woo!
12:50We've married for three years, and we've been together for eight in total.
12:54And, supposedly, this is enough for her to say to me the other day, quite by surprise,
12:58she says, I want to try this thing.
12:59My friends have done it.
13:00I've seen it on the TV.
13:01It's really good fun.
13:02Just say you'll do it.
13:03I'm like, I don't know what to do, so I can't really agree to that.
13:04Just say you'll do it!
13:05So I thought, OK, well, I don't want this to be a row.
13:07I haven't really said anything yet.
13:08So I said, fine, what is it?
13:09She said, great!
13:10We can write a list.
13:11It really took me by surprise.
13:13Of five people we're allowed to sleep with.
13:16From outside of the marriage.
13:19I thought, are you joking?
13:20Are you serious about this?
13:21It's really good fun!
13:22I've already done my list.
13:23OK, fine.
13:25So I humoured her, so I compiled this list.
13:28She gives me her list.
13:29I just wanted to run it by you girls, because I felt it was kind of predictable.
13:31There were no surprises, usual suspects.
13:34George Clooney was number one on the list.
13:36Brad Pitt was on the list.
13:37Justin Timberlake was on the list.
13:38She's like, give me your list!
13:39Give me your list!
13:40So I give her my list.
13:41Number one, your sister.
13:42Well, Michael, thank you very much.
13:47OK, Russell and Perky are left.
13:53The next topic is...
13:55Men's health is the next topic, as represented by the knee.
14:02The window on the man's soul, the knee.
14:05Three times in my life I've been convinced I've got testicular cancer.
14:08Every single time it's been an ingrowing hair.
14:10It's...
14:11Yeah, funny.
14:12It's getting to the stage.
14:13I need something terminal just to stop me looking like a massive pervert.
14:16You know, it's like...
14:17There's no way of getting comfy when you're having your balls checked.
14:19Because the doctor's like, obviously, my balls aren't that big.
14:21If you say it, they go...
14:22Well, you do appear to have a problem, Mr. Howard.
14:24You appear to have camel's gonads.
14:26But you don't know where to put your hands, you know?
14:29You can't sort of do that or anything.
14:31I toyed with the idea of doing that.
14:37I wish I'd been courageous enough just to go...
14:40Well, now that he's comprehensively dealt with the topic of men's health, Frankie, let's see what you've been left with.
14:54I'm guessing sport.
15:02They say that the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride.
15:07I mean, come on, for 9.2 billion, you could have written,
15:11Fuck off Germany onto the moon.
15:13It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London.
15:26It means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which of the gunshots they heard was the starting pistol.
15:33Glasgow's getting in on the act. Glasgow's bidding for the Commonwealth Games.
15:38Be good to finally see an international athletics event where the crowd fail a drugs test.
15:46The East End of Glasgow's already like an Olympic Village.
15:49Lots of people who struggle to speak English wandering around in tracksuits.
15:53Thank you, boys. Let's go up.
15:58Andy and Russell get the point for that one. Come back down.
16:01Our next round is called Newsreel.
16:07We play in a piece of footage featuring people in the news and ask Hugh and Jan to suggest what's being said.
16:11This week, the Queen hosts the Arsenal team.
16:14Maybe if I hide behind this door, she will never see me, so...
16:18Oh!
16:19Bollocks!
16:20Hello.
16:21You're from the Renault commercials.
16:24Va, va, vo.
16:25What are you?
16:26Well, it's very funny you're madge.
16:28Let me introduce you to the players.
16:30This is Julio.
16:31It's easier.
16:33Why has he got his hand on his hapenny like that?
16:36Expecting a free kick of some sort.
16:38This is Gilberto.
16:39Not in the penalty box now.
16:41And Ed Milson.
16:42They are Brazilian.
16:43Oh, I like a Brazilian.
16:45Philip prefers a welcome mat.
16:48Yes, you would.
16:49One way.
16:50This is Jens.
16:51He is German like you.
16:52Yes, yes.
16:53We don't talk about that.
16:54And this is Freddy.
16:55He is our best-looking player.
16:56Yes, yes.
16:57But he has never married.
16:58Oh, I think I saw him at one of Edward's parties, actually.
17:02Now, look.
17:03I want to know.
17:04I found this in my attic, as a matter of fact.
17:07I wonder if you could tell me if it's worth anything.
17:09Well...
17:1030 pounds, possibly 30?
17:1320?
17:14No, no, no.
17:15Oh, gosh.
17:16I'm telling you, you tell me 40 quid, the bastard.
17:19DJ, that is quite ridiculous.
17:21You see, those things, they are available on eBay for maybe 2 pounds, 3 pounds 50.
17:26That includes the packaging.
17:28It's worth nothing.
17:29You're having a laugh.
17:30Don't talk to the queen like that.
17:32What do you mean?
17:35I tell you, people like you, people like you where I come from, we rounded them up.
17:39We rounded them up.
17:40We rounded them up, and then we took them outside, and we chopped their heads off.
17:45Oh, thank you.
17:46Four people, I'm telling you.
17:48Well done, Hugh and Jan.
17:52Next round of call, if this is the answer, what is the question on the board of six categories?
18:00Jan, which category would you like?
18:02Oh, I think environment.
18:04OK.
18:05Categories environment, the answer is over 31,000 tonnes.
18:09What is the question?
18:11Is it the weight of the first ever mobile phone?
18:14If you sell fertiliser, what size order should make you suspicious?
18:21If that bomb had gone off, how much cellulite would be spattered across central Scotland?
18:29Oh, have you had the place, Pebble Dash?
18:34No, terrorist attack.
18:36How much weight has Charlotte Church put on in pregnancy?
18:41Oh!
18:42Oh, dang.
18:43How dare you!
18:44I see.
18:45I've roamed.
18:46Yeah.
18:47When Tony Blair was asked how many Iraqis he'd killed, what was his callous reply?
18:56Would anyone like to please make yourself a correct answer?
19:03Is it?
19:04I think I read this somewhere.
19:05Is it the carbon footprint of Live Earth?
19:07Yeah.
19:08Absolutely right.
19:09Well done, Frankie.
19:10Very good.
19:11Yes.
19:12The question I was looking for is, what is the estimated size of Live Earth's carbon footprint?
19:18This is a calculation done by carbonfootprint.com, that taking into account travel by artists
19:22and spectators and energy consumption on the day, the Live Earth Constance were responsible
19:26for 31,500 tonnes of carbon emissions.
19:29Frankly, that's a bit whiny though, all the same, to go, they flew in.
19:34I really do hate that kind of criticism.
19:36There's many things to criticise Duran Duran for.
19:39Come on, Sting flew in to tell me to stop overfilling my kettle.
19:45To be honest, I watched Enrico Iglesias, right, in my birth, and I would have been happy
19:52for the Earth to explode.
19:54What's the weird thing?
19:57It's Madonna telling you to reduce your carbon footprint.
20:00You're like, well stop flying to buy your children.
20:02Just nip down the road and get them.
20:06Christ.
20:07Yeah, the dollar's falling, she could buy them in New Orleans.
20:11They said, if you, I read this thing, it said, if you miss one wash a week, you save 5,000 litres of water per year.
20:23God bless tramps.
20:24It's amazing.
20:25They're doing their bit for the environment.
20:30Well the facts that I found quite interesting was apparently cows farting is a real problem.
20:36Yes.
20:37It always has one.
20:38Cows let out 400 litres of methane.
20:41They're saying, oh, well we should all become vegetarian.
20:43We shouldn't have so much cattle.
20:45But I'm thinking, surely that's part of the problem.
20:47Cows are vegetarian, isn't it?
20:49If we all become vegetarian as well, we'll be trumping ourselves to oblivion.
20:55I've looked into it, you know, and I'm quite optimistic about our future environmentally.
21:00Cows I think just at the point where Britain busts into flames, it's going to be hit by a tidal wave.
21:08I think what would be great would be in 20 years time if the whole earth busts into flames
21:13and just in our last moments we see a giant alien hand come down with a marshmallow.
21:19Oh, it's so difficult to get one of these going, but it's worth it.
21:24We've just had the wettest June since records began.
21:30Yeah.
21:31Which is my favourite expression.
21:32Because there's this time, it refers to this time when records began.
21:36Before there were records, people didn't know what on earth was going on.
21:39People just walk outside, it feels different yesterday.
21:41In what way?
21:42Are you writing this down?
21:43I'm not writing this down.
21:44I'm like, you have a pen, I'm busy, I'm drawing, I'm creative.
21:48Is somebody going to keep these records?
21:49Then somebody thought, fine, enough, I will do this.
21:52Records have begun.
21:53Now that first year must have been quite a record-breaking year.
21:57Don't you think?
21:58Every day another one tumbling.
22:05How did the natural world cause problems for the financial world this week?
22:08This was great.
22:09This was the bloke who tried to rob a bank wearing a tree branch.
22:12He dressed up as an ent, effectively, hadn't he?
22:15It was almost drama classes.
22:17It'd be a tree, be a tree.
22:19But be a tree who wants to rob a bank.
22:22Yeah.
22:23This is him.
22:24This is him.
22:25He wrapped leaves.
22:26He's got completely the wrong idea of what camouflage meant.
22:28I like the fact he didn't, he didn't get rid of his moustache.
22:31That's what's fantastic.
22:32I'll just leave her.
22:33He walked to the counter, wrapped in leaves, like this.
22:35Oh, God.
22:36Like, you know.
22:37Like some sort of guard of nature.
22:38He seems to have queued up as well.
22:39He did, don't he?
22:40He's sort of like.
22:41With the bird behind him going, I've got to hang around.
22:44Is anyone just paying in cheques?
22:46I'm robbing.
22:47So what was his idea then?
22:48I'm robbing.
22:49Was his idea that he'd run out of there, stand very still at the roadside, and nobody
22:57would find him to blossom?
22:58Where's he gone?
22:59Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:00They'll never find me here.
23:01And then the bird comes like and pecks him.
23:02No!
23:03You know, they're always supposed to, aren't they?
23:04Dress up as American presidents.
23:05They're supposed to have the mask.
23:06Maybe somebody suggested that he dress up as Bush, and he completely misunderstood what
23:08was going on.
23:09What in the form of eco-friendly travel was in the news this week?
23:24Was it the Tour de France?
23:25It was, of course, the Tour de France.
23:26Hugh, tell them what you're doing.
23:28What are you doing?
23:29I'm not cycling, I'm cycling a stage of the Tour de France.
23:32You're not!
23:33The day before, you know, you're supposed to come in here.
23:35I'm cycling an amateur stage of the Tour de France.
23:37I'm cycling with the other 169 good cyclists.
23:40I'm cycling with 6,000 Frenchmen.
23:42When you say amateur stage, have you got stabilisers on either side?
23:45Where is it?
23:47Well, it's in France, strangely enough.
23:49Why are they in France now?
23:52How do they get to France?
23:54They're cycling, Michael!
23:55They're cycling!
23:56They're cycling!
23:57They're cycling!
23:58How do they get across the Channel?
23:59They've been on a ferry.
24:00They're there now.
24:01They're in Belgium.
24:02Can they pedal?
24:03Yeah.
24:04Can they all get off the bikes and jump and pedal?
24:07OK.
24:08Give that round.
24:09In honour of this exercise next week, I'll give that round.
24:12I think we'll go to Frankie, Michael, and maybe to Hugh.
24:16Now we come to our final quickfire round.
24:20Scenes we'd like to see.
24:21This is for everyone, so if you can make your way over to the performance area, please.
24:25I caught ideas for scenarios we'd love to see, and the performers come in with their suggestions.
24:30OK.
24:31Here we go.
24:32The first subject tonight is unlikely things to hear at Wimbledon.
24:38New balls developing on both the Williams sisters.
24:42Well, this crowd have really taken this young Serbian girl to their hearts.
24:49They obviously don't know her father's a war criminal.
24:56Would the working-class family on Henman Hill kindly leave?
25:00Or, putting the middle classes off their strawberries?
25:03You know who you are, you filthy mudbloods.
25:05A dog has run onto the court, and it's beaten Tim Henman.
25:16Now, here's a question, John.
25:18Nadal, could he turn you?
25:24There's no strawberries left, you'll have to have chips.
25:27Well, you know, in a way, this rain could be taken as God's judgement on how shit we are at tennis.
25:41As the Scottish man holds the Wimbledon Trophy aloft, the earth opens and swallows him whole.
25:49Cliff Rich is there with a wonderful rendition of Dr. Dre's Bitches Ain't Shit.
26:02Oh my goodness, that's a double fault.
26:04One for being a woman, the other for being German.
26:07It has just come to our attention that Tim Henman's father died six Wimbledons ago,
26:18and has been sitting there with the same look of disappointment ever since.
26:26The next topic is, what a news reader would never say.
26:30The football scores now, so you might want to look away if you're a woman or a gay.
26:42Good evening, here is the news, I'm Moira Stewart.
26:46Why did the BBC sack me?
26:49Is it because I is black?
26:55Just watching that press conference, I wouldn't be surprised if it was her stepfather that did it.
27:00No!
27:05He's the news at ten, I'm Fiona Bruce.
27:08Standing up or behind a desk, it's all the same to me.
27:14Press the red button now to operate the vibrating doughnuts I've placed in my trousers.
27:21Please.
27:22You've sent in your emails and we've been reading them, and my my, aren't you a bunch of racist bigots.
27:35If you've taped that earthquake to enjoy later, and don't want to know how many died, look away now.
27:41Wimbledon news now, and Tim Henman, you know the rest.
27:54News just in.
27:56I'm HIV positive.
27:57Well, time for your own regional news now. I'm off for a dump. See you in ten.
28:09At the end of that round, the points go to Frankie, Hugh and Michael!
28:19Come on back!
28:26That's the end of the show. This week's winners are Frankie Boyle, Hugh Dennis and Michael McIntyre.
28:31Commiserations to Andy Parsons, John Wavens and Russell Howard.
28:44Thank you for watching. See you next week. Good night.
28:46Keep it comedy next on BBC Two, blasting off for a brand new series. The crew are back with Hyperdrive.
28:57Then, pensioners with attitude. Jack and Victor return, losing their cool in the heat.
29:02Still game at ten.
29:03Coming to the world.
29:05Coming to the world.
29:06Coming to the world.
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