Mock the Week - Season 5 Episode 11- Hugh Dennis, Frankie Boyle, Michael McIntyre, Andy Parsons, Russell Howard, Ben Norris
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00:00Around the world, don't believe that everything you see I hear, read all about it, read all
00:12about it, news of the world, news of the world, read all about it, news of the world, news
00:24of the world.
00:25Hello and welcome to Mock the Week, I'm Dara Breen.
00:30Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Joe Caulfield and Russell Howard, Frankie Boyle,
00:35Hugh Dennis and Mark Watson.
00:42Our first round is called Headliners.
00:44Here's a picture of America's former and possibly future first couple, Bill and Hillary Clinton.
00:49But what does B-C-A-H stand for?
00:53Just a very wild guess.
00:55Is it Bill Clinton and Hillary?
00:59That'd be terrible, imagine if you got it the first time.
01:02Bill Klopp's available hookers.
01:06Bill's cigars, always humid.
01:11I've got a slightly different one.
01:13I prefer clammy.
01:14Is it?
01:16Bill controls Android Hillary.
01:18Look at him, he's like...
01:20It looks like he's pointing her out to a sniper.
01:28Is that what it is, Bill considers assassinating Hillary?
01:31Yes.
01:32I'll give, I'll give, I'll give, if we could possibly steer it on the answer, I reckon.
01:36You're going to go for...
01:37Bill campaigns alongside Hillary.
01:39That's exactly right.
01:41Well done, what's up?
01:42The answer I was looking for was, Bill campaigns alongside Hillary that refers to the former
01:50president's increasingly high profile role in his wife's bid for the Democratic presidential
01:55nomination.
01:55Hillary is currently ahead of her Democratic rivals, but in a recent poll, 49% of Americans
02:00said they looked on her unfavourably.
02:02It's a rather unusual language.
02:03I follow her, I look on you unfavourably.
02:07I'm looking forward to her becoming president and getting the file that they keep on Bill
02:13Clinton, finding out all the stuff he did when he was president.
02:17Bill, you screwed a robot woman.
02:20The Chinese sent a robot spy and you humped it to death, Bill.
02:24If you were Hillary and you were married to the single most charismatic politician of
02:31our generation, right, would you campaign with him?
02:34Would it not just make you look, like, would it not be like always campaigning with a puppy?
02:38That whenever you put the puppy away, they always go, no, I'll bring back the puppy.
02:42I like the puppy.
02:43No, not at all.
02:44Because after this speech, they spend an hour working the crowd to the tunes of Simply
02:49the Best by Tina Turner.
02:51It sounds really seedy, doesn't it?
02:53I've got the idea of them bogelling.
02:54Yeah, you're seeing moves, aren't you?
02:56Because we wouldn't do that in this country, just Gordon Brown, those are my policies,
02:59hit it DJ, they call me Mr. Bombast, and they're just rucking around the room.
03:04Was it an hour?
03:05It was an hour.
03:06That is a long version of Simply the Best.
03:08Just over and over, just whipping Tina Turner, one more time.
03:12I'm 83, sing it, Tina.
03:16So what's the thing about two L's in Hillary?
03:19I was thinking that.
03:20Team what?
03:21Two L, spelling Hillary with two L's, no one's but...
03:23Sir Edmund Hillary, the Conqueror of Everest, spelled it in exactly the same way, Mark.
03:28That was her surname, Hugh.
03:29Okay, that's true.
03:30I got it.
03:31That was the most middle-class rat battle I've ever seen.
03:34What's up with the two L's in Hillary?
03:36Well, I think you'll find that...
03:38They're just never satisfied, are they?
03:40He's been president, she's going to be president, they've got Clinton cards as well.
03:43I think what's scary is, if she does, then it makes you think that Sheree Blair might go,
03:49oh, I like what they've done, he got it, and now I can get it.
03:53It's not like getting a basement conversion.
03:55I think it is to these people.
03:56That would be at a dinner party, and they'll go, so what are you up to?
03:59Well, actually, I'm now the president.
04:01Really?
04:01And then she's nagging Tony in the taxi home, going, why aren't I?
04:05Why aren't I?
04:06No, it's that awful.
04:06If she gets to do it, why shouldn't I get to do it?
04:08Exactly.
04:08Clinton's been out of the White House for eight years.
04:11I wouldn't like to be the first intern that comes across him after eight years.
04:15I think that they should dress a haunch of lamb up in a skirt, just so that he gets half
04:22his energy out of the way before he actually meets anyone human.
04:27What does George Bush intend to do after the election?
04:30He said he's going to make his living by speaking.
04:33Yeah.
04:33Yeah, play to your strengths, George.
04:36That's like Abu Hamza pursuing a career as a shadow puppeteer.
04:41I was very pleased, because I assumed that after he left the presidency, the only public
04:45appearances he'd be making would be about four o'clock every day when the keeper came
04:48to give him bananas.
04:51Where was he this week, Bush?
04:52He went to see the troops in Iraq.
04:54He didn't eat, eh?
04:54He went on a surprise visit to him.
04:56Which is hardly going to be morale boosting, is it?
04:58It's like having a pie at an old folks' home and having the guest of honour as Harold
05:01Chipman.
05:02It is.
05:04It's like, oh, it's him.
05:05The reason why we're here.
05:09Why is there, what's the big news with the British troops in Iraq?
05:11Oh, we've, uh, we're out.
05:13Well, we've left Basra Palace and we're now at the airport.
05:16But we, yeah, we're not.
05:17It's so nothing, isn't it?
05:19We're not retreating, though, are we?
05:20No, we haven't lost.
05:21No.
05:21I mean, okay, we pulled out to the airport.
05:24Yeah, but we're not retreating.
05:25Okay, we've checked our baggage in, but we're not retreating.
05:28All right, the plane's on the tarback, but we're not leaving that country.
05:32It's a victory, though, isn't it?
05:33It's been billed as a victory.
05:35And it was actually such a fantastic victory that we had to leave under cover of darkness
05:40to avoid the massive leaving party that the Iraqis had planned for us.
05:46You know, we didn't want the fuss, the balloons, the ticker tape.
05:50So we thought, let's get into our jeeps and leave at 100 miles an hour in the middle of the night
05:56clearing a path with machine gun fire.
05:58But we made you a cake.
06:00Actually, it was a bomb.
06:02Did you hear how they left, though?
06:04They left, apparently, with a bugler at 1 a.m., led by a bugler.
06:08No wonder the British forces aren't regarded as, you know, everybody's best mate,
06:12is when they decide to leave.
06:13Oh, I tell you what, we're leaving now.
06:15It's 1 a.m.
06:16Bugler.
06:17That'll make everybody happy.
06:19We've got some sight in sight.
06:20Bugler.
06:20A bugler on the front of a jeep going at 100 miles an hour is bugler plus Doppler.
06:26But also, they're in a city where everyone wants to shoot them,
06:29and some poor saunt.
06:30Right, play you, bugle.
06:31Eh?
06:31They're really loud, so they'll know us.
06:35Oh, what I do request is I predict a riot.
06:37No, no, no, no.
06:39It's a tricky job, isn't it?
06:41Can I not just tower a guy?
06:45What animal has been causing problems for the British troops?
06:47Badgers.
06:48Badgers.
06:49Correct.
06:49It's the first time Boston said badgers on this show, and they've been the right answer.
06:52Yeah, okay.
06:53Yeah.
06:53Why badgers?
06:54The Basra badger, apparently, the people of Iraq thought that we'd released badgers into Iraq.
07:01But we haven't.
07:01And the description was fantastic.
07:03A lady said that she saw this thing in the dead of night.
07:05It was as swift as a deer.
07:07It was the size of a monkey at the face of a dog.
07:10And you're like, you know, someone's high.
07:11But as if we would have thought, oh, well, we're a bit short of troops, maybe we can recruit
07:18a few honey badgers.
07:20Just airdropping frogs and toads and otters.
07:23Get them, lads.
07:23Any kind of, just everything.
07:25And then in the middle of it all, Bill Audie just dropped it in.
07:28They'd accidentally scooped Bill Audie up in the big wildlife net.
07:33And Audie desperately, how do you have your wildlife now, Audie?
07:36Ah!
07:38Brog in his ear.
07:39Let's be honest, though.
07:40Audie couldn't survive for more than a day in the wild.
07:43For all his boasting and posturing.
07:45I could imagine him starving to death in a travel lodge.
07:50See, you won't have to imagine.
07:52He'd just be picking up hedgehogs and trying to dial room service on the hedgehog.
07:56That would be brilliant.
07:57I find it a bit embarrassing that in Iraq this is regarded as a dangerous weapon, yet
08:00we still haven't been able to win this war.
08:03The thing is, though, in Iraq, you know, because it's safe now that we've, you know, we've sorted
08:08everything out, it's actually a fantastic time to pick up property there.
08:12If you want to buy a two-bedroom flat in Basra, it's apparently about eight pence at the
08:17minute.
08:18Although insurance can be about four grand a month.
08:21By the way, he was referred to earlier on.
08:23That is a honey badger, which is the type of badger you get, which does sound like some
08:28sort of sexual euphemism in a kind of, you know, Terry, oh, I was a bit of a honey badger
08:33myself back in the day.
08:35All my friends called me that.
08:37It's a close relation to the poon hound.
08:40He looks more like an otter who's been in the middle of a road when somebody's been
08:45along doing the white marks, doesn't he?
08:47He looks like the animal who Pepe Le Pew falls in love with mistakenly.
08:51Oh, my dear, you are a beautiful skunk.
08:54I'm a skunk, I'm a honey badger.
08:56And the cartoon goes on for five minutes.
08:58If Iraqis, Iraqis apparently were terrified of these badgers, which suggests that we've
09:03gone overboard in torturing them.
09:05Please, not the petting zoo, not again.
09:10Tiny pot-bellied goats, no.
09:12I can tell you everything.
09:14It became so widespread as a rumour that, because there's mostly man-eating bears that the British
09:19Army had released, and the British Army officer categorically stated that we have not released
09:25man-eating badgers into the area with the weary tone of a man who's sick of having to
09:31tell you that we have not released him.
09:34And while I'm here, no, there are no unicorns with poison tips ruined by mermaids.
09:40There is no army of orcs.
09:42We have not released a griffin into the badger area.
09:45He actually said that these things were the size of dogs, but had the heads of monkeys.
09:50I think they were monkeys.
09:51But what, because he said...
09:56It's in one attack a lady in the dead of night.
09:58That's clearly, like, her husband's just been a bit frisky.
10:00What happened there?
10:01Oh, there's a bloody badger.
10:03All over you whilst I try to defend you.
10:05Shall we?
10:07At the end of that round, ladies and gentlemen, the points go to Russell, Joe and Andy!
10:16Our next round is called Newsreel.
10:19We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news, and ask them,
10:21ask you, to suggest what they might be saying.
10:24This week's clip features the Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall.
10:27Ah, well, here he is, His Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales, and Mrs. Prince of Wales.
10:32Well, why are they here?
10:34Well, to overlook the building of their new house.
10:36It's a bit behind schedule, I'm afraid.
10:38It was due to be finished in the Renaissance.
10:40But, uh, never mind, in the interim, they've discovered electricity.
10:44So that's an added bonus.
10:46Look at that lightbulb, darling, shining its lovely light on your lovely face.
10:51Prince Charles doesn't like this very much, doesn't like an overrun.
10:54Now, which of you is responsible for the overrun, he's asking?
10:56I don't care if you're Polish.
10:58One of you will be beheaded.
11:00Now, are you responsible for the overrun?
11:02Was it you?
11:03Are you responsible for the overrun?
11:04No, Your Highness.
11:05We're not responsible for the overrun.
11:07We're just getting on with the job you gave us.
11:09We're bricking in your relatives.
11:13Why haven't you finished it?
11:14You're meant to be doing it.
11:15Why aren't you doing it now?
11:17Well, Your Royal Highness, we would be doing it now if you weren't talking to us.
11:20So, if you shut up, we'll be able to get on with it.
11:23And it won't take nearly as long, so just go away.
11:25Now, let me pop on my specs.
11:28Have a look at this enormous microphone.
11:30Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Whitney Houston.
11:33Oh, no, it turns out to be a stone hammer.
11:36Prince Charles, of course, terribly good at hammering stone.
11:38He's carved and re-carved his own mother's gravestone many times over the years.
11:43Prince Charles, getting rid of some graffiti there.
11:45Wills for King.
11:47Oh, no, you don't go like that, Your Highness.
11:49You need longer, manly strokes like that.
11:52And a bit of a chamfer.
11:54Oh, manly strokes, is it?
11:55Yes, I'm laughing now, but you can fuck off.
11:57I'm the Prince of Wales.
11:59Welcome, Hugh.
12:03Our next round is called, It's Only Mock and Droll, But I Like It.
12:08This game involves Mark, Andy, Frankie and Russell.
12:11So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
12:13This is where we test our performance stand-up skills.
12:16We spin our news generator and it settles on the topic.
12:18And then you can volunteer jokes about the chosen subject.
12:20Okay, here we go.
12:21Let's spin the wheel.
12:24The first subject is advertising.
12:26Who wants to come in?
12:27Hi, Mark.
12:28I just think aggressive advertising has gone too far.
12:32It actually has the opposite effect for me.
12:33I saw a trailer for a film, Them.
12:35It was called Them.
12:37I know it's a silly name.
12:38What do you mean, Them?
12:39That's just anyone apart from me, for a start.
12:41I'm going to narrow it down a bit.
12:43But it said on this trailer,
12:44you'll never feel safe in your home again.
12:47Okay, I won't go and see that then, thank you.
12:49Who needs to pay £12 for that?
12:51Yeah, how was the film?
12:52Brilliant.
12:52We've had to move out, though, unfortunately.
12:55It drives me mad.
12:57After a while, you just think,
12:57can't people just calm down a bit?
12:59But in London, nearly everything is cleverly marketed.
13:02Even toilets.
13:03In London, you never just get toilets that say men, women.
13:06There's always a theme, like, you know, bucks and does.
13:09I think, I don't know the answer.
13:12I'm drunk.
13:12Where do I piss?
13:13Let's just cut to this, eh?
13:14Sorry.
13:14I was in London, in this pub,
13:16but the toilet said XX and XY, like chromosomes.
13:20I mean, I know, I didn't realise I have to revise for this week.
13:24I would have done different day levels
13:26if I realised it would restrict my pissing in the future.
13:30Thank you very much, Mark.
13:36Okay, let's spin the wheel again.
13:40The subject is charity.
13:42Who wants to come in on that?
13:43Russell.
13:44It's, um,
13:46cheer if anyone's ever given clothes to Oxfam.
13:49Fair enough.
13:51You whooped, then.
13:52Woo, do we win a prize?
13:53No.
13:54It's a really odd feeling,
13:55because you feel quite proud of yourself.
13:56Just, where am I going?
13:57I'm off to save Africa.
13:59That's right.
13:59And you wander in,
14:00you just plop down your clothes.
14:01What, some lovely lady?
14:02Bung it anywhere.
14:03And there's a tiny part of you that gets really annoyed.
14:05You almost want to go,
14:06right!
14:06Well, we'll do that again, shall we?
14:09And this time,
14:09you're going to act like you give a shit!
14:11It sounds bad,
14:13but there's a tiny part of you that wants it to go,
14:14Sire!
14:15He brings goods!
14:17The chosen one has arrived!
14:20As you fling pants at orphans!
14:23Yippee!
14:23Hurrah!
14:24Will you ever be back in time,
14:25you needy tinkus?
14:27Spill that in a dance!
14:28That's it, Howard!
14:34Okay, we're left with Frankie and Andy.
14:35Let's spin the wheel again.
14:38The next topic is Scotland.
14:43Scotland's full of terrible places.
14:46The pride of Kilmarnock took a bit of a knock recently,
14:49when they found out that the people of Ethiopia
14:52were holding a rock concert for them.
14:57Apparently,
14:58Sean Connery said that if we get independence,
15:00he's going to come back.
15:02Brilliant!
15:02We can live off his income tax
15:04like it was a newly discovered oil field.
15:07My favourite Scottish thing ever,
15:09I was on a train
15:10from Glasgow to London
15:11the day after September the 11th happened.
15:15September the 12th,
15:16and all these pissed Scottish women
15:22got on
15:23and there's a guy sat across from me,
15:24a Sikh,
15:25with a turban on
15:26and one of them goes,
15:27who are you?
15:29I hope you're not going to hijack this train.
15:32Some of us are wanting to get home tonight.
15:36What are the hijackers going to do with a train?
15:39Crash it into the buffers at Glasgow Central.
15:42Yes, we've taken down the World Trade Centre
15:44or next it's cost a coffee in the sock shop.
15:47Thank you, Ryan.
15:52OK, let's see what Andy has left.
15:54Let's spin the wheel.
15:57And it's crime.
16:03Now, New Labour,
16:04they're always telling us, aren't they,
16:06all crime has come down under New Labour.
16:09But violent crime has, in fact, gone up.
16:11And I don't know about you,
16:12but violent crime,
16:14that's the one I'm scared of.
16:17Fear of crime is always much greater
16:20than crime itself.
16:22Right?
16:22Apparently, on average,
16:24in Britain,
16:241,000 people get murdered each year.
16:27Yeah?
16:28But apparently,
16:296,000 people each year in Britain
16:30commit suicide.
16:32So if you ever think
16:33there's somebody behind you, right?
16:35You know, you're a bit scared,
16:36feel free to turn round at them
16:38and go,
16:39yeah,
16:40well, you don't scare me.
16:42I'm six times more likely
16:44to do harm to meself
16:46than you are.
16:47Whoo!
16:51They're leaving,
16:51well, around.
16:52Right, and Andy, for our turn.
16:55Point to that round.
16:56Go to Andy and Russell.
17:03So the next round is called,
17:04if this is the answer,
17:05what is the question?
17:06On the board are six categories.
17:07Mark, which category would you like?
17:09Uh, science.
17:11OK, your category is science.
17:13The answer is 2025.
17:16What is the question?
17:17Is it, um,
17:18when will the stadium
17:19for the 2012 Olympics be ready?
17:21Is it,
17:22what year will black people
17:24and white people
17:25finally live side by side
17:27in harmony
17:27in Chinese concentration camps?
17:31Is it,
17:32what is my pin number?
17:35Yes, it is, it is.
17:36Is it,
17:37my dad took a dump
17:38in my toilet the other week?
17:40When will it be safe
17:41to go back in there?
17:44Well, uh,
17:44how many times
17:45is the word umbrella
17:46repeated in that bloody song?
17:49What year will cities
17:50gain sentience
17:52and raise themselves
17:53on hydraulic legs
17:54to begin the long battle
17:56for resources?
17:58Is there any,
17:59is there any,
18:00is there any vision
18:01of the future you have
18:02which involves
18:03living in peace and harmony
18:05having transcended war?
18:06Oh, I've just noticed
18:07we're on a dying fucking planet.
18:08Yes, Alan.
18:09It's not just me.
18:13Pretend you're yours.
18:14It's not just you.
18:15Anyone who has played,
18:16played close attention
18:18to how the world's going
18:19will know that environmentally
18:21you should reuse
18:22your plastic bags
18:23to suffocate your children.
18:24Um, Frank, he is a father.
18:32He is a father.
18:33It's no surprise
18:34that he's repeated
18:35during CBBC.
18:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:37And that's the year.
18:38It's got to be the year,
18:39isn't it?
18:39Yeah, it is the year.
18:40It's nothing to do
18:41with cities on hydraulic legs.
18:43It's nothing.
18:44It's cities on hydraulic legs.
18:45Are you sure?
18:46They will,
18:46no, no, no,
18:47with the cities
18:48on hydraulic legs.
18:49Is it,
18:49in what year
18:50can I book
18:50a scuba diving
18:52tour of Holland?
18:55I'm assuming
18:56it hasn't risen up
18:57on its own legs.
18:59Where's Holland,
19:00Frankie?
19:01You should know.
19:02Holland's not a city.
19:04In the year,
19:05it's not going to have any legs.
19:06It'll be the only city
19:07left in mainland
19:08Europa.
19:10There's a giant war
19:12against the ocean countries.
19:14Et cetera, et cetera,
19:15et cetera.
19:16Okay,
19:17I'll give you,
19:17I'll give you a clue.
19:20Nothing apocalyptic
19:21of any whatsoever.
19:23I think I might know it.
19:25Do you?
19:25I'm dull enough
19:26to know that.
19:26Hydraulic legs.
19:28It's something
19:29to do with hydro...
19:31I think it's just,
19:32Jake,
19:32I think...
19:34If it's not about
19:38my brother's legs,
19:39it'd be very disappointing.
19:40Is it not the year?
19:41Have the Russians
19:42said something about
19:43launching a moon mission,
19:45haven't they?
19:45They have, yes.
19:46And they,
19:46I think,
19:47have said that is the date.
19:49A mere 66 years
19:51after the Americans
19:52managed it.
19:53You're...
19:53What exactly is it?
19:56They're going to land
19:56a man on the moon.
19:58Absolutely right,
19:58they're well done.
19:59Hugh,
19:59you're absolutely right.
20:00I agree with that.
20:00The question
20:05I was looking for
20:05is when do
20:06the Russians
20:06intend to begin
20:08building a permanent
20:09lunar base?
20:10It's the announcement
20:10by Russian space agency
20:12Roscosmos,
20:13good name,
20:14that a manual
20:16space flight in 2025
20:17will lead to
20:18an inhabited station
20:19on the moon.
20:20The station
20:20will provide a base
20:21from which to plan
20:22a trip to Mars
20:22by 2035.
20:24It would also
20:25be a convenient place
20:25to travel
20:26if your city
20:27was on hydraulic legs.
20:28But it would be better
20:30than a British
20:31space mission,
20:32let's face it,
20:33isn't it?
20:33It's always weird
20:34when you compare
20:34the two.
20:35You know,
20:35we had...
20:36The Americans
20:36had just had
20:37a Mars mission,
20:38hadn't they?
20:38And, you know,
20:39they always cause
20:39there something
20:40exciting,
20:41like, you know,
20:42Endeavour,
20:42don't they,
20:42after the spirit
20:43of adventure.
20:44We called ours
20:45Beagle 2
20:46because we quite
20:47like small dogs.
20:50To be fair,
20:50they probably
20:51called it Beagle 2
20:52because they knew
20:52it would be
20:52smoking on re-entry.
20:55It's that thing
20:55in space missions,
20:57isn't it,
20:57where they're always
20:57doing scientific
20:58experiments to see
20:59how things behave
21:01in weightless conditions.
21:02Do you know what?
21:03Who gives a shit
21:04how they behave?
21:05They bob about.
21:06Okay?
21:07They bob about
21:08a bit.
21:09There was a
21:09scientific textbook,
21:10a treatise on
21:11the examination
21:12of object behaviour
21:13under zero gravity.
21:14Turn the page,
21:15they bob about
21:16a bit.
21:18They do.
21:19Absolutely.
21:19Yeah, you're right.
21:20They do actually.
21:21The whole thing,
21:21science,
21:22everything,
21:23space travel,
21:23it's all just
21:24sublimated sex drive.
21:26Everything,
21:26that's all anything
21:27is.
21:27Look at the
21:28space shuttle.
21:29Could that be
21:30more about sex?
21:31Yeah.
21:32It's a big giant
21:33thing when it's
21:33taken off,
21:34it comes back
21:34down as a
21:35little tiny thing
21:36that's flaking
21:37off it.
21:39Why is it always
21:41tile,
21:41for God's sake?
21:42It's always
21:42a problem with the
21:43tile.
21:43Why is it always
21:44falling off?
21:44You know what
21:45NASA should do
21:46before it goes up?
21:47Don't just check it,
21:48double check it.
21:50It's going a long
21:51way.
21:52What about a
21:52double check?
21:53And also,
21:54a lot of those
21:55astronauts are
21:56always scientists,
21:57aren't they?
21:57Couldn't they take
21:58up one guy
21:59who's a roofer?
22:01He said,
22:02there's a bit of
22:03a problem out
22:03there and he's
22:04going to be
22:05back next Tuesday.
22:07The shuttle crew
22:08is Dr. Linus
22:09Pauling,
22:10Professor of
22:10Statistics,
22:10and Terry.
22:13They do get up
22:14some rubbish
22:14in space,
22:15they don't
22:15know.
22:15The last
22:16American thing
22:17is that they
22:17sent a probe,
22:19didn't they,
22:19the size of a
22:20washing machine
22:21into a comet.
22:23And you think,
22:23well, what is the
22:24point of that?
22:24And then you think,
22:25well, it would be
22:25better than the
22:26British would manage,
22:27they would just
22:27go a bit cut price
22:28and send in a
22:29washing machine
22:30from comet.
22:33We're going to be
22:34hit by a comet
22:34soon, aren't we?
22:35No.
22:35I think, let's not
22:36panic people at
22:37home by starting
22:39a discussion with
22:40we're going to be
22:41hissed by a comet.
22:43Sorry, I
22:43sensationalised the
22:44story.
22:45You did rather
22:45yes, there is an
22:47asteroid.
22:47Have you ever
22:48heard about this
22:48asteroid?
22:49Yeah.
22:49It's another huge
22:51disappointment of
22:52them going, oh,
22:53the world's going
22:54to end, and yet
22:54again, it doesn't
22:55end.
22:56I'm fed up
22:57with that.
22:59I have Wednesday
23:00as my death
23:01day, Wednesday.
23:03Global warming
23:03very, very slowly.
23:05Nothing's ever
23:06happening.
23:06I wish they'd
23:07shut up about it.
23:08Look at Joe
23:08taunting God.
23:10Bring it, bring
23:10it, Ian.
23:11Either do it,
23:12or shut up.
23:13Is this the best you
23:13got?
23:14I don't think
23:14so.
23:15We're going to be
23:16fine with the whole
23:17asteroid thing, because
23:18our cities can just
23:19raise them.
23:21I'm not sure how
23:22they're going to
23:23manage that.
23:24That would be
23:24fantastic.
23:25Just them
23:25shoot it down and
23:26just like do a little
23:26sleep.
23:27Concentrated power.
23:28Apparently this
23:29asteroid, it's going to be
23:30great, though, isn't it?
23:30Because you remember in the
23:31tsunami, all the animals
23:33ran inland because they
23:35knew something was up
23:36with the tsunami.
23:37So imagine what's going to
23:38happen if the whole
23:39Earth is going to get hit
23:40by a massive asteroid.
23:41We'd just be going,
23:41has anyone else noticed
23:42that monkeys have
23:43started smoking?
23:46If the asteroid does
23:48land on Earth, right,
23:49it'll create a crater
23:51three miles wide, they
23:52said, and all
23:53communications in the
23:54near area will be
23:55completely kaput.
23:57Now, I don't know if
23:57any of you are on T-Mobile,
23:59but as far as I'm
24:01concerned, an asteroid
24:02must be landing on
24:03Earth pretty much
24:04every day.
24:05It's not even the
24:07biggest worry, is it?
24:08Because the other thing
24:09that we're meant to
24:09worry about a lot is
24:10the super volcano
24:12under Yellowstone
24:14National Park.
24:15You heard of that?
24:15It's a whole of,
24:16Yellowstone National
24:17Park is a vast
24:18volcano, and if it
24:19goes up, which they're
24:21expecting it to, we
24:22all die.
24:22So the best you can
24:23hope for is an
24:24asteroid.
24:26I think I'm to the
24:27two of the two
24:28rounds.
24:29Apparently you're
24:30trying to just pour
24:31water on these
24:32apocalyptic battles.
24:32But you say, which
24:34they're expecting it
24:35to, does make it
24:36sound like a man
24:37with a clipboard
24:38ready to tick at
24:39any stage.
24:40The best you can
24:41hope for is that
24:41the asteroid arrives
24:42the same day and
24:43goes into the hole
24:43and plugs it.
24:46In that round, the
24:47points go to
24:48Frankie, Hugh, and
24:48Mark!
24:54Now we come to
24:55our final quickfire
24:56round called
24:56Scenes We'd Like
24:57to See.
24:58This is for
24:58everyone, so if
24:59you could make
24:59your way over to
24:59the performance
25:00area.
25:01I call it ideas
25:02for scenarios, we
25:02end up to seeing
25:03the performers
25:03come in with
25:04their suggestions.
25:05OK, here we go.
25:07The first subject
25:08is unlikely
25:10small ads.
25:13Erectile
25:13problems.
25:15Ha, ha, ha, ha,
25:15ha.
25:21Found.
25:22DVD of
25:23lust.
25:28Want to earn
25:29pounds, pounds,
25:30pounds?
25:30Yes, three
25:32pounds.
25:38Would you like
25:39no-strings-attached
25:40sex?
25:41Contact my
25:42whore of an
25:42ex-wife.
25:47Worried about
25:47hair loss?
25:48You bold
25:49bastard.
25:50Ha, ha.
25:53dog available to
26:05good home.
26:06Free prawn crackers
26:07with every delivery.
26:11Want to earn money
26:12at home?
26:13Become a
26:13prostitute.
26:14It's easy.
26:19Problems with your
26:20short-term memory?
26:21Can't remember
26:22what you've just
26:22read?
26:24Problems with your
26:24short-term memory?
26:29Room to let.
26:30No-one has died in it.
26:31No-one.
26:31Wanted.
26:39One Spice Girls
26:40ticket and one
26:41gun.
26:46Fored,
26:47lonely,
26:49depressed.
26:50Meet like-minded
26:51people at
26:51salsa dancing.
26:55The next topic is
26:57excerpts from
26:58DVDs I
26:59wouldn't sell.
26:59My name is
27:03Hannibal Lecter.
27:05I'm a vegan.
27:08I'm afraid the
27:10only thing you're
27:10going to be fighting
27:11for some time,
27:12Bond,
27:13is HIV.
27:21Welcome to
27:22Antiques Roadshow,
27:23Too Hot
27:24for TV.
27:27From the makers
27:29of Alien
27:30versus Predator,
27:31Alien
27:31versus
27:32Pingu.
27:37From the makers
27:38of snakes
27:39on a plane,
27:41mice
27:41on a tube.
27:47Here's looking at you,
27:49kid.
27:50It's why I'm in a
27:51Cambodian jail.
27:57Three, love.
27:59I'm Anne
27:59Widdicombe,
28:00and this is
28:00naked table tennis.
28:08Ah,
28:09Frodo,
28:09you're hurting me.
28:12When I said you
28:13should destroy the
28:14ring.
28:14That's it,
28:19ladies and gentlemen,
28:20the portion of that
28:20line for the
28:21Frankie,
28:22Hugh,
28:22and Mark.
28:28That's the end
28:28of the show.
28:29This week's winners
28:30are Frankie Boyle,
28:31Hugh Dennis,
28:31and Mark Watson.
28:37But
28:37commiserations
28:38to Andy
28:39Parsons,
28:40Joe Caulfield,
28:41and Russell Howard.
28:42Thank you for
28:44watching.
28:45Good night.
28:51Stay with us
28:52on BBC Two.
28:53Steve Coogan
28:54is Tommy Saxondale
28:55next,
28:55being belligerent
28:56on behalf of
28:57Squatters.
28:58And have you
28:58played Number Wang
28:59yet?
28:59Join in with
29:00Mitchlin Webb
29:00at 10.
29:01Thursday night
29:02comedy on BBC
29:03Two.
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