Mock the Week - Season 7 Episode 12- Hugh Dennis, Milton Jones, David Mitchell, Andy Parsons, Russell Howard, Ben Norris
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00:00I believe you're out the world
00:02Don't believe in everything you see or hear
00:08Read all about it
00:12Read all about it
00:15It's a world
00:16It's a world
00:18Read all about it
00:20It's a world
00:21It's a world
00:22It's a world
00:24It's a world
00:26Hello and welcome to Mock the Week
00:31I'm Daryl O'Brien
00:32Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ben Norris and Russell Howard
00:35Hugh Dennis, Milton Jones and replacing a slightly unwell Frankie Boyle, David Mitchell
00:48We start with a round call if this is the answer
00:50What is the question on the board of six categories?
00:52Milton, which category would you like?
00:53Let's have politics
00:55Okay politics it is
00:56Your category is politics
00:57The answer is over a million
00:58What is the question?
00:59Is it how many extra minutes Manchester United get to play if they're not winning?
01:09Is it how many people right now at home are going where's Frankie Boyle?
01:15Are they thinking Adrian Charles has finally got him?
01:17You might be right
01:18Is it the number of people who phoned into work on Monday morning saying they couldn't come in because they'd watched Derren Brown on Friday night and they were still stuck to the sofa?
01:33What is he doing?
01:34Did you do it?
01:35Did you do it?
01:36Did you do it?
01:37Did you do it?
01:38I do it?
01:39It was shit
01:40Is this how many numbers did they count down from in the last OCD moon mission?
01:42when a girl tells you she's had three sexual partners what do you hear in your head
01:51when my wife and i did our ivf how many abnormal sperms were found in my first ejaculate
01:59we were all there
02:02after this we're all going to see frankie
02:06i'm saying my first ejaculate it wasn't you know obviously it wasn't your first ever ejaculate
02:10that would explain why it wasn't working till then
02:13oh that oh this oh we use this we don't need you for a while doctor we'll try with this first
02:21is it how many flip flops can you get in a phone box
02:26is it how many times did mahmoud armadinejad vote in the iranian election
02:36is it how many of jordan's ex-partners have this week sought legal advice
02:47how much does your house have to be worth for a chance that let lib dems if they ever got in
02:55might be able to tax it
02:57the question i was looking for was on what value of house do the liberal democrats want to introduce a new tax
03:09at their conference this week they proposed a 0.5 percent annual levy on the most expensive homes in the country the new tax would be payable on an estimated quarter of a million properties
03:19this is a ludicrous idea or does it simply not matter because they're not getting in and frankly they could say we'll steal your kids
03:26and for all the difference it would make their letter
03:29because it was vince cable basically that came up with this scheme and he's come up with lots of ideas like cutting id cards and uh trident and stuff like that
03:36and you just look at him you think vince you're a lovely bloke it's not happening
03:39you know none of your policies doesn't matter what you do
03:42it's like my granddad telling me how he's going to seduce the cheerleader from heroes
03:46it's not i've got plans i've got plans she's going to need to regenerate granddad it's not going to happen
03:52the lib dem party conference is just the warm-up party conference so everyone commenting on party
03:57conferences can have a bit of a practice and then by the time it comes to the party conferences of one
04:02of the two parties that might win the election we'll be all ready and fighting fit the only thing you
04:07know about a lib dem policy is that it definitely won't happen sounds ridiculous good great ridiculous
04:15thing won't happen if it sounds brilliant oh no brilliant thing won't happen because because
04:20they have a brilliant idea the tories labor party they can't copy it because because because they'll
04:24look bad so you know the lib dem could have the answer to the credit crunch and it would preclude
04:28they're saying it would preclude the tories or the labor party adopting it as a policy so anything
04:35anything good the lib dem say is unpatriotic
04:39but it's true though like to be honest you've got to feel sorry for nick clegg because this is his
04:47one chance to speak and everyone's going to listen have you ever seen him in parliament it's hilarious
04:51they put him on a little naughty step in the corner and he sat there like that he's like the kid that
04:55your mum made you play with you know just you know just discard or accept this particular idea in
05:03itself like taxing people's houses taxing rich people's houses is it a ludicrous idea or is it
05:08it's completely unworkable because people will then reduce the value of their houses
05:12so it'll be like reverse estate agent and say oh no it looks like a lovely room but it's a lot smaller
05:16than it seems our kitchen's rubbish our patio yeah admittedly that is nice but there is a body buried
05:22under it in posh areas they'll get you know neighborhoods will get together and reduce
05:29the value of their property by having an an adoptive paedophile scheme or something
05:33that would be a good thing to have middle class people finally talk down that stop whining on
05:39about how valuable their houses are would that would be a great thing to have people say well my house
05:43is shite uh have channel four run programs called a place in the slum it makes sense because the
05:50principle behind how spying shows at the moment yeah you know it's a fly just landed on my house
05:55it's frankie's frankie's spirit has come back as a fly he's transmogrified yeah yeah we've been
06:03cursed that's what it is they've taken frankie now the flies are coming what next dear viewer what next
06:11now these policies always going to have problems though isn't it oh you've killed frankie
06:19oh man you really have flattened it
06:26and also i'm going to get picketed by the animal liberation front now we're building ourselves
06:31up to say you know like we killed a fly or a jackal or something i didn't kill the fly
06:35suddenly it's a group of us who killed the fly oh come on we were all there
06:42none of us spoke up to save the fly let's face it
06:45the roads are ahead with favor good intentions we all believe you were going to go through with the
06:48killing yeah let's move on in other physical news where is david caron struggling for support
06:53he's struggling up north dollar he is struggling who would have thought a posh etonian he's not
06:57popular in manchester what next the bmp don't like reggae
07:06he's worried isn't he he's very worried he doesn't dare visit because he thinks they might
07:10capture him and put him in an enormous wicker angel of the north he's not going to get many votes in
07:17scotland they don't think although his full name is apparently david william donald cameron now
07:24that's a tragedy isn't it that'd be like getting no votes in yorkshire when your full name is percy
07:29fred flat cat whip it tetley he couldn't be on again i'm you know as a visitor to your country and all
07:37that like well the north south thing is always intriguing to me he couldn't be more southern
07:40there's a north south thing in your country
07:49he doesn't make the headlines in the same way though you're right
07:51it's never really been a cause of much attention no no there's everyone's got a massive sense of
07:57humor about it it was not really a north south thing because you know the north is kind of
08:00it's like i have a north other people in the north thing that's kind of among themselves what were you
08:05going to say dara i was going to say that you know cameron it's intriguing even though that people
08:10have only just noticed this now that he may have difficulty in the north because i'd imagine to northern
08:14eyes cameron couldn't look more southern if he wore a powdered wig and spoke french at court
08:21it couldn't look less likely to appeal to the people of newcastle or gated or wherever apparently
08:26the rumor is that david cameron wants to make all towns in britain triple-barreled like uh kingston
08:31upon thames berwick-on-tweed what's to call it leads on benefit
08:38at the end of that round then the points go to david hewitt milter
08:44our next round is called newsreel the replay and a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
08:49and asked hugh to suggest what might be being said this week's clip features gordon brown
08:55ah if you'd just uh like to pop outside for the photographs denise uh very much enjoyed our chat
08:59wondered if you might want to continue it uh on our own in a little bar having a quiet drink so uh
09:05you would that's good uh david what if you can help me out here i think i'm in with denise
09:08uh so if you could do one after the photographs andy i think uh denise has got the hots for me so
09:14uh if you could make yourself scarce don't uh want you to cramp my style uh later i think i've been
09:20there anyway as you can see this is the uh door to uh number 10 we've got the uh painters in so to
09:25speak uh we put a net up for you there andy just to make you feel at home you can uh hit the ball into
09:31it if you like so uh just smile who is that bloke and why is there a number 10 on the door when my
09:41my number is number seven quick move across here because i think the free kick's coming
09:48anyway you're looking lovely uh denise it's a lovely bar i'm taking you to so uh david if you could just
09:53say that uh fabio capello has phoned you you've got to go immediately for some uh extra emergency
09:59trading at wembley i think she'll uh she'll buy into that she'll uh she won't find that suspicious
10:03lovely denise beautiful and uh andy i'm sorry about the uh net joke i do value you i love you the
10:11only person in britain who can make me look uh charismatic so i'm going to chat up denise now
10:17boys so uh look and learn so denise what uh what flavor crisps do you like i'll try anything
10:25blimey that's what i was hoping uh you would say so salt and vinegar uh cheese and onion
10:33yeah packet of nuts no maybe maybe uh maybe too early uh uh maybe too early for that anyway keep
10:39smiling uh well that's that that's the photos over so uh off we go lovely denise there's no need for
10:45you two to hang around anymore so off we go don't worry avid i'll tell you what happens later come on
10:51denise times of the essence sarah's back uh at three o'clock so the clock is ticking you pop into
10:56number ten get your lady things andy and david won't be here when you get out so uh say goodbye
11:02now that's all right here you go no don't go in there andy don't go no no david don't go
11:08well done now we play a round called president bagago ha ha
11:23this game involves milton andy and russell so if you could make your way to the performance area please
11:28this is where we test our performance stand-up skills we spin our news generator it settles on
11:31the topic and anyone can volunteer jokes about the chosen subject the winners are the people i
11:36judge to produce the funniest stuff okay here we go let's spin the wheel the first thing we do is
11:41travel who wants to come out andy parsons apparently various airlines now from america have now got air
11:50marshals on transatlantic flights yeah to stop somebody getting on a plane with a gun they're now going to
11:56put somebody on a plane with a gun you also get these machines now airports which apparently will cling
12:07film your entire suitcases for you as a security measure now that doesn't seem to me to be a fantastic
12:14way to stop theft right let's face it when you cling film your sandwiches you don't then go oh my goodness
12:22how am i going to break into them and i've never heard anybody go have you locked the front door
12:29and somebody else go no but don't worry i've cling filmed it
12:35okay let's spin the wheel again
12:42the subject is young people
12:44funky young people you know it's depressing being hit i saw this the other day it nearly killed me
12:52it's a kid who's about eight years old in a cafe with his mom he went here mum doesn't matter how
12:56many of these you eat he's eating a fun-sized mars bar doesn't matter how many of these you eat it
13:01never leads to fun how depressing is that that's what i have you meal life is suffering russell life is
13:07suffering shouldn't be like that when you ate when you should be excited about the world can you remember the
13:12first time you saw a rainbow can you remember the giddy delirium in your mind like dad there's colors
13:18in the sky i like the sky i like colors the two are combined my mind is literally blown i need answers big
13:25man i need answers well that sun that sun is called a rainbow oh my god it has a name it has a name
13:32it can get no better there's a pot of gold at the end of it
13:36and it's guarded by a tiny leprechaun pull over dad pull over right now has anyone ever chased a rainbow
13:45i did you never forget it i bet you didn't do this me and my little brother took a knife
13:49just in case the leprechaun acted up right
13:51okay that leads us with milton let's see what you've been left of the subject let's spin the wheel
14:05and subject is work
14:06the pollen count that's a difficult job
14:23easiest job in the world of course australian psychiatrist good day good day how you doing no
14:28worries next i lost my job with lastminute.com for being persistently late
14:38i lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying the words i don't want to bore you with the details
14:47if they make it illegal to wear the veil at work beekeepers are going to be furious
14:52my wife it's difficult to say what she does she sells seashells on the seashell
15:08some people say the firefighters deserve more money but apparently a pole was taken and they all fell
15:13through a hole in the floor sometimes i wonder what my grandfather would think of what i do
15:24he spent his whole life in the kebab business was buried with all his equipment he's probably turning
15:31in his grave
15:50our next round is called headliners here's a picture of the american president hard at work
15:54at the white house recently what does oc sw stand for is it obama can't stand whitey
16:01is it obama challenges sith warlord obama circumcision safety worries
16:10is it just is it a new series is it obama crime scene white house
16:16is it from the republican press and it's oh crap satan's winning
16:21is it obama car spell wingardium leviosa
16:25is it another headline from dyslexic weekly and in fact it's just about cows
16:34i'm impressed both by the return of dyslexic weekly to our discussions and also by the fact that they
16:47wanted to alert the dyslexic population to the presence of cows
16:51is it obama cancels star wars yes it is obama cancels stars thank you very much
17:04the answer i was looking for was obama cancels star wars this is news that present barack obama has
17:15decided to scrap the 20 billion dollar star wars defense shield which previous administrations
17:20claim would have protected europe from iranian missiles by intercepting them from the air as
17:24opposed to intercepting them when they were rolling about on the ground presumably
17:29if we actually had star wars technology we wouldn't need missiles we'd just be able to get obama
17:33to use jedi mind tricks on armadinejad wouldn't that be fantastic just these aren't the defense
17:38missiles you're looking for you will now go non-nuclear yes the idea was wasn't it was that these
17:44poland and czechoslovakia will be protected from invasion from russia yes and you're thinking well
17:50you know there's no way the russians were going to invade poland and czechoslovakia poland and czechoslovakia
17:57are in more danger from british stag parties i think europe will be quite safe because i phoned
18:03up the united nations rapid response force and they said yes you see the americans are very you
18:12know the republican americans are really annoyed that barack obama has cancelled star wars as though
18:17it existed it doesn't exist and even if the reason they cancelled it is because it simply won't work
18:21because it's it's run by computers and they'll never work so you know iran will launch a missile we'll
18:26launch our star wars countermeasure as we press the button a thing will come up on the screen little
18:30balloon it says microsoft missile interceptor shield has encountered a problem and needs to close
18:38do you wish to send an error report yes but i haven't got time so it wasn't being built really to
18:45intercept iranian missiles it was being built to annoy the russians you hope you don't have to use the
18:49thing it's just there to the russians became really annoyed you can't have lasers and missiles and
18:54things really near our country in countries we used to run that that's insulting to us as russians
18:59and there's a division in american politics about whether it is good to be as rude as possible to
19:03the nutty russians or bad to be as rude as possible to those maniacs and i don't know there's no doubt
19:11the russians your choice of language alone would seem to place you in one category i think i think don't get
19:17me wrong i think the russians are really insane and right not all of them are insane but they have
19:24an insane political culture they see that weird bald plabby man with his shirt off fishing and they
19:29think yes we want to vote for him oh by the way apparently he tortured people when he was in the kgb
19:34what a guy i think that's an odd kind of country but i don't necessarily think the best thing to do
19:41with them is to annoy them even more however it is the most satisfying thing the question shall we have
19:49a bit of fun poke the russians poke the russians oh my god they're coming
19:52in other news what has just the secretary jack straw been supporting this week he's been supporting
20:02the idea that heroin addicts should be able to get heroin off the nhs yes it's quite an interesting
20:09idea i guess you know apparently it will cut crime but whether you know if you're a heroin addict and
20:14you go in hospital and get heroin can you if you've got you're some sort of other addict you know if you're
20:19a sex addict can you go into hospital all right nursey any chance right wouldn't it be like obese
20:27people waddling towards hospital for chocolate chocolate it's obviously too late for you let's
20:33just give you cake and be done with it outside the box if we gave obese people heroin that might work
20:39very seldom see if we get junkies cake yeah the ridiculous i mean this was based on a survey isn't
20:45it they've done a trial and they found the thing that they've based it on is they found
20:49that if you give people heroin on the nhs they are less likely to buy heroin on the street
20:59people you just get a lot of anger amongst drug dealers in the same way as you know james murdoch
21:04complains about the bbc you'll get drug dealers saying it's very unfair on us how are we supposed
21:08to make a living if heroin's just being given every other day i would love to see them go and watch dog and
21:13complain i've been i've been a small i'm like i'm just a family business my uncle my uncle brings it in
21:20in his rectum and we all chop it up at home and we're being put out of business by the nhs at the
21:26moment what happens if you're on heroin right you're addicted to heroin how long do you live
21:32you just have heroin are you actually i don't think it's up if you have like good heroin you know
21:38just have heroin you could just have a lovely long life not mentioning heroin on heroin yeah
21:49if you're manufacturing enough heroin you know you get cheaper to manufacture it
21:53we all need lots of things all the time like water and food let's just add heroin to that
21:57heroin is an early stage so then the addiction problem goes away i can see a problem with your
22:04plan though because 95 of the world's heroin comes from afghanistan so they would explain it
22:11would be a good reason for invading the place we can't put it on the whole population you want to
22:21kind of get like pavlov's cat and give pavlov's cat heroin every day and if you over it heroin see if it
22:26comes to have a fix every day don't give it to cats don't waste it on cats oh no that's got a good
22:31fun cats have a pretty sweet existence at the best of times right it's all your sofa we give them food
22:36and then they run off and disappear for eight hours and do something and then they come back for more
22:40food and so far i'm not sharing my heroin with them as well i'm not having the cat scratching at the
22:45door and finding a little vein and looking at everyone you know i'm already sleeping for most of the day
22:52i'd like to do it with a kind of a rick just grin in my face like i'm in ecstasy all the time
22:57no get it i wonder at it stay out of my coke all right i've seen it i've seen it on your little
23:02whiskers a little bit of white i've seen it there you've looked up nervously fidgeting
23:11meowing with confidence get away from my drug all right so david with your plan about everyone gets
23:17heroin would we be able to uh you know shoot up in the pub or do we have to go and stand outside to do
23:22that i mean you can't smoke in a pub you can hardly shoot up that'd be rude the smokers outside looking
23:28in when you're going well you picked the wrong one sorry about that i'm fine
23:38tiny uh farmers are using a lot of heroin but getting the evidence is like looking for
23:43the end of that round is going to russell ben and andy
23:53now we've come to our final kickfire round for teens we'd like to see this for everyone so if you
23:58could make your way to the performance area please icon ideas for scenarios we'd love to see and the
24:02performers come in with their suggestions okay here we go the first subject is things you wouldn't hear at
24:08a party conference blackpool's nice isn't it
24:16unlike other party leaders i could mention i am not a slave to the auto queue smile pause applause
24:26would you please welcome the man who's made the conservatives an electable force again gordon brown
24:38i'm going to turn my back for one minute and i want whoever stole david blunkett's dog to put it back
24:49the delegates were so impressed by ming campbell's speech that they gave him a 10-minute standing cremation
24:54uh kiss the baby no i'd better not it might set my tag off
25:08well i must say on this issue i'm with al-qaeda
25:15so for scottish independence and cheaper parking vote s ncp
25:25in an attempt to be more like barack obama gordon brown has sensationally blacked up
25:36and i do believe we are the only party who are going to do anything about the amount of
25:39unemployed dwarves in this country in fact i saw one just outside holding a sign that said no job too small
25:46we're going to open this bnp conference with a prayer so if you'd all like to turn towards mecca
26:01okay the next package is unlikely things to hear on a history documentary now follows a documentary about the
26:11queen mother which contains nudity and strong language from the start
26:14and it was here at this exact spot that faced with 30 000 baying frenchmen that henry v
26:24shat himself
26:25on the first day of the battle of the somme over 60 000 documentaries were commissioned
26:36i was in the parachute regiment i was dropped over occupied territory
26:46four thousand feet three thousand two thousand i pulled the cord my cagoule tightened
26:55two world wars and one world cup doodah
27:13and it was actually here in this very tower that the princes
27:16were slaughtered uh william on red bull and vodka and
27:261547 nostradamus predicts the rock group the kaiser chiefs he also predicts a riot
27:39on one side of battle stood william of orange on the other side charles of o2 and richard of vodafone
27:46the final outcome of the second world war has changed the world forever so if you don't want
27:56to know the result get away now next eva braun the inventor of the lady shave
28:09so it was my job to assassinate himla so i stood behind the tree and waited for his car to come
28:15around the corner then i leapt out and i said boom sometimes all we had was the element of surprise
28:27napoleon was imprisoned in saint helena which was extremely uncomfortable for her
28:32her head was pointed and he never took his boots off
28:36the loch ness monsters fact or fiction fiction good night
28:50of course during the war i was brought up in dorset none of us expected the surprise japanese attack
28:57that's the end of the show and the end of the series this week's winners are
29:13hugh dennis milton jones and david mitchell
29:19and russell howard
29:24we'll see you again soon but thanks for watching i'm dara green good night
29:27and russell howard's got a brand new show watch out for good news coming soon to bbc 3 and if you
29:38turn over now ice pop selling for asif in lunch monkeys here on bbc 2 stay with us for news night next
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