Pushers Episode 1
#uk #comedy
#uk #comedy
Category
đș
TVTranscript
00:00Alright! Stop!
00:04Rock!
00:06Let me do this evil move!
00:10Stop! It's alright!
00:24Rock!
00:26The man came in,
00:31told one look at me
00:34and caught my benefits in half.
00:39You've had a toxic cerebral palsy since birth?
00:42Yeah.
00:43Due to a complication
00:46whoop
00:48on the exit side,
00:51I didn't breathe for 17 minutes.
00:57I really wouldn't recommend it.
01:02How did your cerebral palsy affect you on a daily basis?
01:06My speech, obviously.
01:10And when I walk, I drag one foot behind.
01:15You ticked.
01:16Walking long distances
01:19brings you considerable pain.
01:21Got here.
01:23You don't seem to be in considerable pain.
01:26Good words.
01:28Well, no, not today, but...
01:32Not in pain.
01:34Well, no, don't worry that.
01:37Moving on.
01:38Do you regularly soil yourself?
01:43Oh, God.
01:45Oh, God.
01:46Oh, God.
01:47Oh, God.
01:48Oh, God.
01:49Oh, God.
01:50Oh, God.
01:51Oh, God.
01:52Oh, God.
01:53Oh, God.
01:54Oh, God.
01:55Oh, God.
01:56Oh, God.
01:57Oh, God.
01:58It's all right.
01:59Aye.
02:00Aye.
02:01Aye.
02:02Aye.
02:03You're, um...
02:05Don't I, um...
02:11I wish I had a co-op story.
02:13I don't shopping go up.
02:16I thought the drawers are not big enough.
02:22Gonna be the last day.
02:24Mm.
02:25Okay.
02:26I think we went to school together.
02:31You and Sheridan, right?
02:36Fuck!
02:38Fuck at you, man!
02:40Aye!
02:41Fucking similar to Hawkins!
02:42Wait.
02:43I thought you died.
02:44Oh, no.
02:46That was that other disabled kid.
02:51The other one?
02:52Wendy.
02:53Mm.
02:54Potato.
02:55Potato.
02:56I haven't seen you since the fires.
03:01Nobody believed that sweet little Emily were involved.
03:05I could get away with anything.
03:09What are you here for?
03:11No pain.
03:12Mm.
03:13But I fucked it.
03:15I told him I don't soil myself.
03:19Yeah, you've got to plan a system.
03:21Mam.
03:23Do you soil yourself?
03:25Yeah.
03:26Can you wipe your own arse?
03:27No.
03:28Are you in pain?
03:29Oh.
03:30Oh.
03:31Oh.
03:36Just your regular Jewel of Dench over here.
03:39She's got that multiple scoliosis thing right, but it's not that bad.
03:43Slerosis, you dumb fuck.
03:44Slerosis.
03:45And what's out my view?
03:46One foot.
03:47Half a size bigger than the other.
03:50Look at him.
03:51Bizarre.
03:52And I do genuinely fucking shit myself.
03:53But I'll have an ankle completely fucking bad.
03:55So what do you do for a job like?
03:57I work for a charity.
03:58We check if workplaces have accessible rooms.
04:07So, what do you do for a job like?
04:13I work for a charity.
04:16We check if workplaces have accessible rooms,
04:24and then we give them a sticker if they do.
04:32I love stickies, man.
04:37So, the toilet's pay well.
04:40It's voluntary, but Jo, our boss,
04:46she's amazing.
04:49She'll start paying us soon.
04:55We have an office in the back.
05:00Is that where they keep the donkeys?
05:02Yeah, it is.
05:08Don't it stink?
05:11Yeah, it does.
05:14Luke, it's a bit random, but...
05:17I need 50 squid.
05:18You can deliver this tomorrow at 10.
05:20Flat 42 going in her house.
05:22I'm too busy to do it myself.
05:25What's in it?
05:27Kinky shit.
05:28I sell whips, plugs, clams, flashlights.
05:31I've flashlights.
05:34Kinky.
05:35Kinky.
05:36Well, you are when you stick your cock in one.
05:37Kinky.
05:38Kinky.
05:39Kinky.
05:40Kinky.
05:41Kinky.
05:42Kinky.
05:43Take yourself.
05:44I'm saved under fit boy from assessment centre.
05:47Text me when you change your mind.
05:49I won't.
05:50I won't.
05:51You fucking will.
05:53I won't.
05:54Will.
05:55I won't.
05:56Will.
05:57I won't.
05:58Will.
05:59I won't.
06:00Fucking will.
06:05I won't.
06:07Will.
06:08Mr Andrew Haddon.
06:19Mr Andrew Haddon.
06:20My name is Hope.
06:21And I work for a Bracklington based disability charity called Weet CU.
06:26Is now a convenient time to speak?
06:30When might be a convenient time to speak, Mr Andrew Haddon?
06:37Half past fuck off.
06:40That's disappointing.
06:42Just hang up.
06:45Hello, Emily Dawkins.
06:47No.
06:48I was speaking to Emily Dawkins.
06:49Not you, Andrew Haddon.
06:50May I ask you one final question?
06:53Would you prefer disabled people simply shat in their wheelchairs?
06:57No.
06:58Genuinely.
06:59The phone's broken.
07:00So I'm off to lunch.
07:01Meal deal?
07:02Harry Potter?
07:03No!
07:04Hurry up.
07:05Hurry up.
07:06Oh, I...
07:07I signed for a passer for Joe.
07:08Oh, thanks, Sam.
07:09Make any phone calls.
07:10Phone calls?
07:11Who to?
07:12Don't worry.
07:13Enjoy your meal deal.
07:14Yeah.
07:15Oh, yes.
07:16So I'm off to lunch.
07:17Meal deal.
07:18Harry Potter?
07:19No!
07:20Hurry up.
07:21Oh, I...
07:22I signed for a passer for Joe.
07:23Oh, thanks, Sam.
07:25Make any phone calls.
07:27Phone calls?
07:28Who to?
07:29Don't worry.
07:30Enjoy your meal deal.
07:31Yeah.
07:32Oh, yes.
07:33Mm-hmm.
07:34Go.
07:35I got a notification about a parcel.
07:36Harry Joe.
07:37A parcel?
07:38No, no.
07:39No, no.
07:40No, no.
07:41No, no.
07:42No, no.
07:43No, no.
07:44No, no.
07:45No, no.
07:46No, no.
07:47No, no.
07:48No, no.
07:49No, no.
07:50No, no.
07:51No, no.
07:52No, no.
07:53No, no.
07:54No, no.
07:55No, no.
07:56No, no.
07:57No, no.
07:58No, no, no.
07:59No, no.
08:00No, no.
08:01There, um, if it comes,
08:03I could come to yours,
08:06drop it off,
08:08cheeky glass of wine.
08:11It's only lingerie.
08:13No rush.
08:14Hot and...
08:16cool and...
08:18groovy.
08:19Yeah.
08:20Yeah.
08:21Listen, erm...
08:24Emily.
08:25Do you know why I started this charity?
08:28They want every workplace to be welcoming and accessible to all disabled people.
08:41Yeah, but specifically Soho Farmhouse.
08:45Did you know they only have two disabled parking spaces
08:48and, like, one accessible toilet?
08:50No, we rang up and, actually, they have a life.
08:59It's abhorrent, Emily.
09:01Let's talk donations.
09:03Yeah, you first and then I'll offer me two pence.
09:10Have we had any donations?
09:12Two pence.
09:14And technically that was a bank interest.
09:19Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about wages.
09:26Well, listen, lovely.
09:28I can't afford to endlessly pour money into this little thing.
09:32Bring in those juicy donations, yeah?
09:34Book assessments.
09:36And then perhaps we can go to Soho Farmhouse together.
09:40Check out the toilets.
09:43Yes.
09:44But if nothing improves by the end of the year, we'll have to shut down.
09:49Please don't make me be that person.
09:52What am I?
09:53What am I?
09:54What am I?
09:55What am I?
09:56What am I?
09:57Oh, God.
09:58What was that?
09:59Bitty lady?
10:00What am I?
10:01You ain't?
10:02What am I?
10:03What am I?
10:04What am I?
10:05What am I?
10:06What am I?
10:07What am I?
10:08Oh, God.
10:09What is that?
10:10Bitty lady?
10:11What am I?
10:13Oh, God.
10:15What was that?
10:17Bitty lady.
10:29Kaka! Kaka!
10:31Kaka!
10:33The bin.
10:35What?
10:37The bin. The green bin.
10:39What?
10:41Don't keep saying what. You're out of bins.
10:43The bin. Go to the bin.
10:45Oh, okay.
10:47There we go.
10:51Come on. There's a white envelope.
10:53Got it.
10:57Alright, alright.
10:59Bye. Don't say bye.
11:01Fuck me.
11:03Rude.
11:05Shit.
11:09Fuck.
11:11Fucking hell.
11:13Fuck.
11:15Fuck.
11:17Fuck.
11:19Fuck.
11:21I always wondered, you know this, you work with donkeys, what kind animal is an oot?
11:51Don't worry, the rats stink now.
11:58Aye.
12:01My dad.
12:03Never open the serious looking ones, just chuck it.
12:06Damage Dawkins, why did I act a little bit in that I'm single?
12:15And urgent, you passed your prime.
12:18I was writing to inform you that your appeal was untouchable.
12:27I told you mate, you should have dribbled. Even I dribbled it.
12:31On monitor basis immediately.
12:37Fuck off and die.
12:40Love from the DWP.
12:45Did they actually write that?
12:47So I lose a few quid they gave me father.
12:52Cos I can walk to work and talk to the end of my nose with my index finger.
13:04That's not lingerie!
13:10What do they want me to do?
13:15Just stay stuck here in this house, shitting in the night or napping like a big fucking thing!
13:29What the fuck are you doing?!
13:31What the fuck are you doing?!
13:32Shit!
13:33It was drugs!
13:34Cos it was drugs, man!
13:35You seriously thought I'm running an underground sex toy business?!
13:38No!
13:39My dad took me home soon!
13:40Go!
13:41Go!
13:42Go!
13:43I'll start it!
13:44I'm a drug user!
13:45Not a drug dealer!
13:46Have a seat at my mouth!
13:47Have a girlfriend!
13:48I'm a fucking...
13:50No sex toy business!
13:52No. My dad told me everything.
13:57Go! Go!
13:59I'll start it.
14:02I'm a drug user.
14:05Not a drug dealer.
14:08Paracetamol.
14:11I've been broken.
14:13Sometimes.
14:15Both.
14:17Listen. Right.
14:19Seeing you again, right, it's got me thinking.
14:22The ideal drug mule
14:25is a good old girl with an obvious disability.
14:28So...
14:30Viola!
14:33Viola!
14:35Viola!
14:37You can pass off any powder,
14:40as your meds, or say,
14:42a nice man fucking gave him me, right?
14:44And then start fucking screaming.
14:47Play off your cerebral what's it, right?
14:49We can make shitloads of fucking money!
14:53Here. Smell it.
14:56Smell it.
14:58Yeah.
15:02You've got to smell.
15:04You all right?
15:06Onions?
15:08What's this, then?
15:21I dropped a bag of flour.
15:23Show me!
15:24Flour?
15:25Flour?
15:26Yeah, I was making flapjacks.
15:29Big cakes.
15:31Flapjacks don't use a flapjacks.
15:33A lovely big flapjack-y cake.
15:39All right.
15:40Yeah.
15:41When's it ready?
15:43We ate it.
15:45Yeah.
15:46Before you cleaned up?
15:48We were well hungry.
15:51Yeah.
15:52Yeah.
15:53Yeah.
15:54What?
15:55All right.
15:56Bye-bye, Mr Hawkins.
15:58Yeah.
15:59See you later.
16:00Bye, helpful boy!
16:03No problem!
16:05Just go, okay?
16:08Listen.
16:09I'll cry for a bit, yeah?
16:11Yeah.
16:12Think about it.
16:14All right.
16:15Okay.
16:16Bye-bye!
16:18Bye-bye!
16:19Bye-bye!
16:20I bet you'll keep that running.
16:22I won't.
16:23You will.
16:24I won't.
16:25Good day, Dad.
16:28The best!
16:29I've got my front page for October.
16:31A guy on the estate is stealing lead.
16:35It's a lead about lead.
16:42That joke will work written down.
16:46Fuck.
16:50Oh!
16:51Hi!
16:52Hello!
16:53Hello!
16:54Remember me?
16:55It's battle lady.
16:56Yeah.
16:57No pressure!
16:58But can we swap back our battles?
17:00It'd be great for my colleagues.
17:01Oh, hi!
17:02Hello!
17:03Hello!
17:04Hello!
17:05Hello!
17:06Remember me?
17:07It's battle lady.
17:08Yeah.
17:09No pressure!
17:10But can we swap back our battles?
17:15I thought it'd be great for my conscience.
17:20Yeah.
17:21If I could.
17:23All right.
17:24You want your packet back, yeah?
17:26Yeah.
17:27Please.
17:28Yeah, you want me to sell it to you?
17:29Yeah.
17:30Yeah, would that be good?
17:31Yeah.
17:32Are you fucking filming me or something?
17:33Are you fucking filming me with your little camera?
17:34Excuse me.
17:35With your little fucking camera?
17:36When's the last train of gangstaed?
17:37What?
17:38When's the last train of gangstaed?
17:40I'm not a fucking time-
17:41When's the last train of fucking gangstaed?
17:43I'll fucking bounce you up and down.
17:45Move.
17:46Give me that money.
17:47Give me this.
17:48Give me this.
17:49Crips out, crips.
17:50Hold me bit.
17:51Fuck.
17:52Oh, fuck.
17:53Oh, jeez.
17:54Yeah.
17:55There's your fucking time table.
17:56Hey!
17:57You lot!
17:58You stay right there!
18:00It's not as if we're Usain Bolt and fucking Paula Radcliffe, is it?
18:03Don't touch that dog.
18:05Is that what you teach dogs to do now, is it?
18:07More disabled people?
18:08What are you?
18:09Underside police or the fucking SF?
18:11Just stay there, sir.
18:12I need to talk to-
18:13Well, a couple of boy triples get mugged in broad daylight.
18:16And now you're setting vicious dogs on us.
18:19I want to speak to the young lady now, sir.
18:22So, shut up!
18:24Are you alright?
18:27Can you tell me what's wrong?
18:29I can't help it.
18:30Am I in trouble?
18:42Of course not.
18:43Um...
18:44Ooh!
18:45Uh...
18:46Got...
18:47Gotta go.
18:48Um...
18:49Did you want to file a report?
18:50No.
18:51Thank you, Mrs. The Police Man.
19:06Did you really piss yourself?
19:11Da-da!
19:12Nice to go pay her, that.
19:13Thank you for beating the living shit out of that man.
19:22How can I ever be paying you?
19:27Yeah, yeah.
19:32Glowy?
19:34Yeah, my family won't give me a glowy.
19:41Worth a try.
19:44How about a pint?
19:47And that's why I have to have iodine injected into my urethra.
19:51I wouldn't recommend Belgium.
19:55What's your backstory?
19:57Oh, I used to tell people at school that I wasn't like this,
20:06cos my dad was Stephen Hawking.
20:12Fancy a cocktail?
20:13Did I do a minute, yes?
20:16No, I'm fucking joking.
20:19We're having a lager.
20:20Two more, please, Kate.
20:22Well, look who it is, Emily Dawkins.
20:28About your money.
20:31Did you bring a habit?
20:34Shush.
20:35He's on paleo.
20:36He's trying.
20:37Ewan.
20:38I lost the money you left me, but I got some of the... drugged back.
20:51No worries.
20:52You're not angry.
20:53No, I'm happy.
20:54Happy Ewan.
20:55That's what Nan calls me.
20:56So he's not here to break my legs.
20:57That would be the point.
20:58Now, this is minibus when I see you.
20:59All right.
21:00I'm gonna see you.
21:01He has a minibus.
21:02Nice one.
21:03He has a minibus.
21:04Nice one.
21:05When's the last train of guns, then?
21:06Oh, here.
21:07We're old friends.
21:08Right.
21:09Okay.
21:10Well, if you need me, I'll be... shooting poo.
21:13Oh, for fuck's sake.
21:14You.
21:15You brought me there.
21:16I did.
21:17What might I do?
21:18You.
21:19I'm sorry.
21:20I'm sorry.
21:21No.
21:22No.
21:23No.
21:24No.
21:25No.
21:26No.
21:27No.
21:28No.
21:29No.
21:30No.
21:31No.
21:32No.
21:33No.
21:34No.
21:35No.
21:36No.
21:37No.
21:38No.
21:39No.
21:40No.
21:41No.
21:42No.
21:43and they will tear your face right off.
21:52So we do have a good laugh, don't we?
21:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:55We have a good laugh, don't we?
21:56Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
21:57So did you think about what I said, yeah?
21:59Yes.
22:00It's a no.
22:01Oh, come on then, right.
22:03You're perfect.
22:05You're a lonely, boring, single woman
22:07rapidly hurtling towards middle age.
22:10Am I right, Missy?
22:11Yeah, 100%.
22:12You're invisible.
22:13You're nothing.
22:16You have a lovely way with words.
22:20You're going to come work with me, aren't you?
22:24Let me think about this properly.
22:28The charity don't pay me.
22:31Great prospects, tick.
22:34And I'm stuck living with my dad.
22:38No life, tick.
22:40Oh, sad dad, tick.
22:42We look quite well, by the way, old Steve Hawkins.
22:44You're talking normal again.
22:48What would happen if I get caught?
22:52If you was caught, they're just like,
22:55we'll look at you and they'll be like...
22:57You're dealing cocaine on Wednesday lunchtime, Emily Dawkins.
23:13Now, why would you think that?
23:17Not again!
23:21I'm going live.
23:22I'm going to tell you to go home,
23:22we'll go on.
23:22We'll beelen.
23:22Bye.
23:23Bye.
23:23Bye.
23:24Bye.
23:24Live.
23:25Bye.
23:25Bye.
23:26Bye.
23:26Bye.
23:40Bye.
Comments