Pushers Episode 3
#uk #comedy
#uk #comedy
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TVTranscript
00:00Shagging your boss is like the least illegal of all illegal crimes.
00:05Tomorrow night, put it out there.
00:07I can't tomorrow.
00:09Why, what you got on? Bubble bath and a megawank?
00:12It's 25 years since my mum died.
00:18Crop skip the megawank then.
00:20Me and my dad always make her signature dish.
00:27Cheese sandwiches.
00:30She wasn't that much of a cook.
00:35Sweet buns!
00:37Why are you slowing down?
00:39Got to be extra careful ever since I got banned from driving for 15 years.
00:42When was that?
00:44Last week.
00:45Yes, mate!
00:46Yeah, it's been ages, man.
00:48You saw the dance videos?
00:50Yeah, yeah.
00:52Yeah, I'm just like, I'm a tic-tac-er now.
00:56I got out early.
00:57Thank you, sir, Keir.
00:59Yeah.
01:00Erm.
01:01But, but, but what if?
01:03Okay, yeah, yeah.
01:05My mate Paul's a bit furious.
01:10I didn't call him a couple months back.
01:12Cos I owe him 20 grand.
01:14And now I've got till tomorrow midday to pay him, or he's gonna cut me knob off.
01:18Just a nice matey catch up, lad.
01:23Don't have access to those kind of funds.
01:25This is all tied up in my investment finger.
01:28Shoes for dogs.
01:30Untapped market.
01:32Double the feet.
01:33This is all very, very bad news for my mob.
01:36Hey, is that Sean swinging a little baby round by his tiny ankles?
01:40You are my favourite gnome, Josie.
01:46Bang.
01:47Fucking bum head.
01:57Oh, I thought I was interviewing Emily.
01:59Why?
02:00It's my charity.
02:05This is Craig Dawkins, editor-in-chief of Yakabrak.
02:10For the purpose of this tape, would you state your name?
02:14Calm down, Dad.
02:17You're not the police.
02:20I'm Jo Tull Hogg.
02:22I'm founder of We See You.
02:23Right.
02:24Tell us about the charity.
02:26We assess workplaces to check their bathrooms adhere to disability access regulations.
02:32Great.
02:33And you've recently expanded.
02:35Tell me about that.
02:36I've employed several people to assess as many workplaces as possible.
02:40I will not rest until every bathroom in the land is accessible.
02:45I perceive the world around us through a social lens.
02:49We are impaired by its misdesign.
02:53Okay, then.
02:54Lovely.
02:56Tell us about your funding model.
02:58I didn't think you'd be asking so many questions.
03:05It's my duty, love.
03:06I'm the Emily Maitlis of the Parish Magazine world.
03:10What a woman.
03:12Who?
03:17So, the funding.
03:19It's all thanks to generous donations from the public.
03:22Three, two, one.
03:25And you're making a lot, are you?
03:27Yeah.
03:29Yeah, we are, actually.
03:31Dad, what are you doing?
03:34Getting some sugar.
03:35It's in here, is it?
03:38Most people are pretty cash strapped at the moment.
03:45Oh, there it is.
03:48How are they affording to give you money?
03:52You got any biscuits?
03:53Yeah, of course.
03:54I'll describe it.
03:55Yo!
03:56Yo!
03:57Yo!
03:59Will you go out with me?
04:05And I think that's a lovely place to finish the interview.
04:09Thanks for your time.
04:10So, see you tomorrow for mum's cheese sandals.
04:14Yeah.
04:15Yeah.
04:16Do you want your cup bag?
04:17No, don't worry, we've got those.
04:20Right.
04:21Oh, my God.
04:23Sorry about him.
04:26He is suffocating.
04:30I wondered how many sets of lingerie I'd have to order before you ask me out.
04:34How's tomorrow night?
04:36Erm, yeah, great.
04:38Book somewhere...
04:40...bougie.
04:41Somewhere intimate.
04:42Hm.
04:53Yo tall hog is so fit.
04:58Miss Emily tall hog.
05:02Emily tall hog.
05:05I'm a little hog.
05:10Five weeks working me bollocks off for what?
05:12To lose it all on dog shoes and that tosser.
05:14You what?
05:15I thought you said dog shoes were a solid investment.
05:17Come on, you lot, let's go.
05:18These last two bricks a bugle won't sell and snort themselves.
05:21I need all the extra cash I can get my hands on.
05:23And this is definitely safe.
05:24Definitely isn't safe.
05:25We're buying spice on the dark web.
05:2642% of murders are drug related.
05:27But you're more likely to be killed by a spouse.
05:28That's why I'm single.
05:29I've got my cock in.
05:30Ha ha.
05:31What are you doing?
05:32We're ordering spice on the dark web using an obscure cryptocurrency called Bichon Friese.
05:35Why did you just get wearing a...
05:43Ha!
05:44I'm fucking chung over!
05:45Oops…
05:46I want to.
05:50Oh…
05:51Indeed.
05:52Delivery.
05:53Why did you just get wet?
05:55Oh, fucking chug!
05:56Oops, I'm all bored.
05:59Oh, send a delivery.
06:03We're shifting his powder, and then I'm out, remember?
06:06They can't carry on.
06:09Think of the money.
06:12So close to the end that I can love this digest.
06:14Fuck the money!
06:15Spice will get us richer faster.
06:22Have you ever tried that shit?
06:24I've never tried any drugs.
06:27What, even weed?
06:29Why would I? I can't lose it.
06:33It's not like Spice won't go on that shite right and you're it for life.
06:37But like Starbursts.
06:40You end up vomiting yourself into a coma and then you're dead.
06:43So exactly like Starbursts.
06:47You start selling that shit round there,
06:49Leonard Kennedy will fucking come for us!
06:51What if you give that spice to your cock-chopping mate?
07:01Would that clear your debt?
07:08You are good.
07:09I know.
07:19Fuck doing a drop myself.
07:21We need someone proper vulnerable.
07:23Too pathetic to get the knob cut off.
07:25How do we work that out?
07:27Line them all up in a row.
07:31Yeah.
07:33Okay.
07:35I reckon can we all line up most vulnerable here.
07:47Least vulnerable over there.
07:52Now.
07:53Nah.
07:54No chance has.
07:56Have you seen them guns?
07:58Bottom of the line, big fella.
08:00Emily, swap with me.
08:01You're way more vulnerable than me.
08:05How do you work that out?
08:07You are cradling a garden home.
08:13Let me get you a fucking chair, man.
08:15What's all these standing up bollocks for anyway?
08:18Emily Dawkins has bought approximately two kilos of spice.
08:21And we need someone to drop it off.
08:25Are there John Christian books in here?
08:28Oh, out there.
08:30Fiction.
08:31Row two.
08:32Three shelves down.
08:33Six books across.
08:34Right.
08:35Okay.
08:38Are you lot the line dancing club?
08:42Yes.
08:43Yes.
08:44Yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:45Five, six, seven, and...
08:58Why doesn't she do the drop her legs work mode?
09:16Oh, it can't be me.
09:17Tomorrow's my day off.
09:18What, do you think this is?
09:20A job?
09:21Yes.
09:22Check the shared calendar.
09:23Shared fucking calendar?
09:25It's my monthly The Bill event.
09:27What?
09:28I'm LARPing as DS Sam Nixon in episode 422.
09:31The one where she investigates the sale of rancid meat.
09:34Sparital murder, yeah.
09:38That's why you're single.
09:42Alright.
09:43I'll do it.
09:45Fuck you!
09:46Me and Joseph are the least vulnerable here.
09:48I think I'll fuck it up.
09:52I'll prove you wrong.
09:54Em?
09:55I need this.
09:58Over there, mate.
09:59Really.
10:01Em.
10:02You want a vulnerable.
10:06There they are.
10:08Right.
10:09Here you go.
10:11We should set up our own servers.
10:12Use PGP encrypted smartphones and communicate on mouse.
10:15What?
10:16That clicky thing on computer?
10:17That's a mouse.
10:18You said the same word again.
10:19Mouse.
10:20Mouse.
10:21It's an encrypted messaging service where we can communicate.
10:24You said Ocean's 12, mate.
10:26Yeah, surely.
10:28Whatsapp is survived.
10:32What's that?
10:33Just download mouse.
10:34Listen.
10:35Take the 196 to the damn Diana rig roundabout on the county line for midday tomorrow.
10:39And for fuck's sake, man.
10:42Don't lose that fucking spice.
10:44I will never lose the spice.
10:49Oh, man.
10:50I lost the spice.
10:51Oh, man.
10:52I lost the spice.
10:54Oh, man.
10:55I lost the spice.
10:56Oh, man.
10:57I can't find the tanks.
10:58All the dungas.
10:59And the spice was in the pocket.
11:00And I can't find Joseph.
11:01No.
11:02He must be terrified.
11:03You've got till 8pm to get me the stuff.
11:09Or I'll cut your cock off and your head off.
11:25That's it, Paul.
11:26I'm gonna do a little bit of diarrhoea before I draft me will.
11:31If you don't find the spice, you're gonna be in serious trouble.
11:41Serious.
11:43I promise.
11:45I will.
11:47Fine.
11:48There.
11:49There.
11:56The spice.
11:57Fuck's sake, Emrine.
11:58We should've talked about this before you let him off the hook.
12:00What next, eh?
12:01Or he stabs a kid and you're just like,
12:03Nobody's pal here.
12:04Have a calling and a cuddle.
12:07Why'd you even get us into this spice shit, man?
12:10If they didn't want me to do your drugs,
12:15You shouldn't have forced me to do your drugs.
12:20Fuck you, man.
12:21Right.
12:22My drugs are fun drugs.
12:23Your drugs are just drugs, drugs, man.
12:25It's like back at school.
12:26You'll get away with it.
12:28But me, I'm gonna lose me dick.
12:31And me head.
12:34And then I'm gonna put me own dick in me own head.
12:38And then I'm gonna post it on Tinternet.
12:42Relax.
12:43We've got three hours to find this spice.
12:48Whatever happens, yeah?
12:51We've got to face this ourselves.
12:53It's me and you, man.
12:54No.
12:55I'm doing something intimate with you tonight.
13:02I asked her out.
13:05Oh, yeah, yeah.
13:06Good for you, Shagga.
13:10Wait, man, wait.
13:11We can do it together at 8pm, right?
13:14At the Ploughman's Fair off the B1230, right?
13:17There's no CCTV in the car park.
13:19It's on the county line, right?
13:21And the food, man.
13:22The food is viola.
13:24And we can do both dates at the same time, right?
13:27Me, you, bird, bird.
13:30God, I'm good.
13:31What happens if it goes wrong?
13:35We get marked in front of ladies.
13:37Hell of a story to tell the grandkids he'll have with someone else.
13:40It's a plan that's fair intimate.
13:45Yeah.
13:46Well, I really thought you'd take me somewhere special.
13:55Anyway, I am super impressed, Emily.
13:58Your expansion of my charity in a matter of weeks.
14:01You've really run with it.
14:03Not run.
14:04Why, it makes me so mad when people use that phrase.
14:08Not mad.
14:09I know what you meant.
14:11So, um...
14:16Have you ever done drugs?
14:17No.
14:18Never have done.
14:21Never.
14:23Ever.
14:24Will.
14:25It's just, um...
14:28I brought some edibles.
14:30I need to let loose tonight, you know?
14:34Let me clarify.
14:36Never have.
14:38Never will.
14:40On an empty stomach.
14:43You're just eating an entire bear.
14:50The cakes have got to be here somewhere.
14:56Trousers.
14:57Trousers.
14:58What's that?
15:00Found them!
15:02That was easy.
15:04They're empty.
15:08Oh.
15:09I should have said, careful.
15:11There's a ship in a bottle in there.
15:13It's broken.
15:14Come get the ship out of the bottle.
15:17That's it!
15:18The ship!
15:20I know where the spice is.
15:23It's been years since I saw you.
15:25And I think the last time, you were being tasered by police.
15:28I've rolled in an ice cream, never got to finish it.
15:31How have you gone from that fella to this?
15:33A man who works at a charity?
15:35I wanted to do something for, you know, the...
15:40Disables.
15:42People with disabled needs.
15:44And, erm...
15:46And Emily.
15:47You know Emily?
15:49Her sat there off of school.
15:51She has that Serena ball there.
15:54So, I, erm...
15:56I reckon I start with her.
15:58Oh.
16:00Are you sure?
16:01This is police.
16:02You got shit in bottle last night.
16:04I'm 100% sure.
16:06I'm unsure.
16:10Dwayne's grown up to be a right little shit.
16:13He needs stability.
16:15A positive male role model.
16:17And I've got to go to the toilet.
16:19Oh.
16:21Cuff, cuff, cuff, cuff, box, cuff, cuff.
16:25Yes, I do need a wig.
16:29I'm good at drugs.
16:32I can't feel anything.
16:47Who's this fella?
16:50Used to be me.
16:55The fucking clock's wrong.
16:57I've only got 14 minutes left, man.
16:59Where the fuck is the spice?
17:03Why are your eyes all red, man?
17:05Ketchup.
17:07Yes, sir.
17:09I sprayed ketchup
17:13right into my eyeballs.
17:15This is why I never order the mushroom risotto
17:18and these fancy gaffs.
17:20These days.
17:21Every cunt calls himself a fucking forager.
17:24I am not stout.
17:27I never taken ketchup, remember?
17:34I am not stout.
17:40Having fun?
17:43Yeah.
17:44Fuck off.
17:46Bye-bye.
17:48I'll show you she's back.
17:50You're back.
17:52I am back.
17:53What's this absolute shit all?
18:01Aisha!
18:02Are you here to steal more of my gnomes?
18:04Why have you got so many gnomes?
18:07They're quite obviously little figurines of me.
18:10You're signaling that you're not over this.
18:13That you're not over us.
18:14Marcus gives them to me.
18:16One each week since our first date.
18:18It's romantic, actually.
18:21Where's the one you stole two nights ago?
18:23Joseph!
18:25I'll put the... I'll put the... in Joseph!
18:27Come on! Come on!
18:31For our next date, can we go to...
18:34Lemaida class?
18:36Our next date...
18:38That baby...
18:40Pursum...
18:41...to rest...
18:42...makes...
18:44...to long.
18:46There's nothing I love more than eating out.
18:50Am I right?
18:50The spice isn't gnomes.
18:55There are no gnomes here.
18:57But I do have good news.
18:59We've discovered many called chips.
19:02...which are now...
19:04...in their bellies.
19:06Chips!
19:07That's it!
19:07What?
19:08Chips!
19:08I lost Joseph in a game of poker!
19:11Speed camera!
19:12Oh, no!
19:13If I'm going to get involved with anyone again, I need to know it's serious.
19:19For that little boy's sake, I need to know you'll be reliable and...
19:24I've got to go to the toilet again, sorry.
19:26It's the squeeze.
19:28Let's go.
19:29Yeah.
19:30Wee wee time again.
19:33Wee wee!
19:36Shh!
19:37Shh!
19:38You shush!
19:40Where are you up here, yeah?
19:43You lots are supposed to be known in a game of poker.
20:00Who took...
20:01This is going to sound mental...
20:02...but I'm pretty sure it was a young Gary Lineker.
20:09That's it, then.
20:10We're all going to be headless, cockless internet corpses, man.
20:13Worse!
20:14It's a bastard, Bill.
20:15Run!
20:16If you can!
20:18It's hard.
20:21What?
20:24Are you making a moral judgment based on my willingness to take a vulnerable man...
20:27...for his best-known friend in a game of poker?
20:29Oh, Joseph went down so well at the bill.
20:33You see, there are these tiny burglars in episode 100.
20:36Oh!
20:36Okay, don't squeeze me, you and Sheridan.
20:39We thought Joseph and those sabbats were gone for good!
20:47Well, didn't any of you check masks?
20:48I've been messaging since last night.
20:50None of you downloaded it, did you?
20:51I don't have a fool, love.
20:53There wasn't enough space left.
20:55Has anyone seen my mobile?
20:56Here we go.
20:57You lot.
20:58Where are you?
20:59Oh, that sabbats he built, back in the posh house.
21:04Joseph's mother.
21:05My wife.
21:06No.
21:07Former wife.
21:09A lady I am no longer allowed to talk to or go near.
21:14Nice to see an old flame here.
21:17What if they pick up the wrong thing, and they end up picking up a big bag of dogs?
21:27I've been here once, I swear I can still smell it on me hand.
21:32Has anyone ever told you, you were the spitting image of a young Gary Lineker?
21:38Second eye in 89?
21:39Yes.
21:41Many people.
21:43Hey, Milly.
21:44Hungry?
21:44Hungry?
21:48Well, I'm full.
21:52Look, before you go on.
21:53Is there a bath making that weird gurgling sound again?
22:01No, it's not that, well, I mean it is, but I'd, no.
22:07I wanted to tell you that your mum would be proper proud of you, coming out of your shell
22:13and doing something important with your life.
22:1525 years ago today, love.
22:24Can you believe it?
22:25Don't mind if I do.
22:48A bit stale.
23:06Note to self, Google Emily Maylis's shoe size.
23:11Oh, God.
23:19She's a fag.
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