Pushers Episode 6
#uk #comedy
#uk #comedy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00When he is on to us.
00:07Get me close enough. I'll throw a punch.
00:10Can't promise where it'll land, but he'll die.
00:12We need to be smarter than mindlessly murdering a man.
00:21It's not what Maz would have wanted.
00:23You make it sound like he's dead.
00:27Well, his bladder's dead, and it would be weird to see.
00:30It's not what Maz's bladder would have wanted.
00:33I'm ready to kill.
00:34With an 80-unit injection of insulin,
00:36Lenny Kennedy will have a sudden glucose drop,
00:38experiencing confusion before major seizures,
00:41leading to overheating and his brain to die.
00:44Oh, well, unless he's a type 2 diabetic...
00:47Like Maz?
00:48...in which case it'll only make him stronger.
00:50Well, I'm not diabetic.
00:54Hey, Maz. Get well soon, etc.
00:58I got you a little something,
01:00and I cut your favourite and go all that.
01:03Well, that's a spice.
01:04What do I look like? A narrator?
01:09Oh, my God! That's it!
01:12What? All this violence makes me hungry.
01:25I've been running on watermelon vert fumes for two f***ing days, man.
01:29Move!
01:41Move!
01:42Move!
01:43Move!
01:44Move!
01:45Move!
01:46Move!
01:47Move!
01:48Move!
01:49Move!
01:50Move!
01:51Move!
01:52Move!
01:53I'll take care of the minibus guy.
01:55Will you get the kid off to a reg zone?
01:57If you want something, kill him properly.
02:00You can do it yourself.
02:02Sit your ass down and don't move.
02:04Move!
02:11I have apologised for breaking your recorder, my darling.
02:15I'm sure they'll have a spare one you can use.
02:18Alright?
02:23Enjoy your time with Uncle Mikey,
02:26and I'll be back before you can say...
02:29F***ing move!
02:31Move!
02:32Alright then, come on.
02:33This way.
02:34Sorry.
02:40I know why we get Lenny.
02:43One.
02:44Surprise!
02:45We prick the prick to death with the cactus?
02:47No, we...
02:48Drown him in curry.
02:49Face first in a big old vat.
02:51Anyone ask, we claim he was a hungry boy, and he slipped.
02:53No, we...
02:54We'll shoot him in his big fat bastard face,
02:58then plant a tree in commemoration,
03:01then piss on it.
03:02Oh, for fuck's sake, we plant the spice on Lenny.
03:10My bag is full of it,
03:13and with the dirty money and Daphne.
03:19Those were important medical notes.
03:21I'll meet Lenny, begging forgiveness.
03:26My sincerest apologies for dealing drugs in your town.
03:36That's perfectly okay.
03:38I forgive you.
03:40And thank you for being such a fabulous daughter-in-law.
03:44Let's hope now.
03:46But beneath the dirty money is Daphne and a kilo of spice.
04:00Directly connected Lenny to the black's use of violence.
04:09So, what's my job?
04:11Harry can be my local.
04:26I shall take this bag of suspicious money away now.
04:29And he can alert the police
04:33who will arrest Lenny.
04:36Bye-bye.
04:37You're Nick, sunshine.
04:40Bad luck, old boy.
04:41With the bag and lend,
04:45you and Max and Pat
04:48will leave town for a bit
04:53till the heat dies down.
04:57We'll be playing bad drugs,
05:01and we can finally go legit.
05:07Oh, Claire.
05:09Wait, can you say that again?
05:14Oh, this is the way out.
05:18Emily?
05:19Not the way out.
05:21Where are you?
05:22Where are you?
05:23Where are you?
05:24I'm coming back!
05:25I'm coming back!
05:30Don't move.
05:32Don't move.
05:33Get out!
05:34Don't move.
05:39Hiya, love.
05:40I'm looking for Mazzy and me.
05:41She came in last night.
05:42Nice fella.
05:43Stab wound.
05:44Look!
05:45They're a wine board!
05:46Don't move.
05:47Daddy's acting weird again.
05:48I think I've seen your girlfriend.
05:49And nobody cares about my recorder exam!
05:51Right, let's go, man.
05:52Let's go.
05:53Here.
05:54Stay there Dad.
05:55Stay there.
05:56Stay there.
05:58Stay there.
06:01Stay there Dad.
06:02Stay there.
06:03Stay there.
06:04It's all right Dad.
06:05Why don't I leave it alone?
06:09There it is!
06:10L Quad...
06:11And what are you doing?
06:13I'll kill you first, okay?
06:14They're killing you first.
06:15What is that all the time he gives you the burden of?
06:16No.
06:17Why don't you wait?
06:19If there's a gun on the left,
06:20there just guy in there?
06:21Demi, would you wait to see a don't have it up?
06:23Don't let people look like bastards saying.
06:31Come on.
06:32Mate, you're doing all right?
06:33You know, like, no bladder and that.
06:36It's just, like, real life changing shit, you know?
06:39I'll be all right.
06:41I think we'll all have weebugs one day.
06:44Yeah.
06:45Save so much time.
06:47Yeah.
06:51There you go.
06:53I just went whilst making eye contact with you.
06:56All right.
06:58All right, come on, let's go.
07:00Go, go, go, go, go, go.
07:05Come on.
07:09Here, are you in?
07:12Push.
07:13Well done, you.
07:14Push.
07:16Here we are.
07:17A coffee quite some time ago, doctors.
07:18No, no, we're not.
07:19Oh, my God.
07:24Is that thing the baby?
07:26That's her anus.
07:28She's doing a poo.
07:29Why?
07:29That can't be arse, Sean.
07:38It's not me.
07:39My name's...
07:44Sean.
07:45Oh, it is me.
07:46We've not seen you in a while, love.
07:48Shall I pop a kettle on?
07:54Oi!
07:55Stop!
07:56Fuck!
07:58Oh!
07:58Let me be safe!
08:01Move!
08:04Oh, mate.
08:06Just move, yeah?
08:07Oh, fuck!
08:18Fuck!
08:25Emily!
08:26Dad!
08:28It's not my blood.
08:31It's a stranger.
08:32Fucking stay there, you.
08:34Yeah, mate!
08:35Excuse me, man.
08:36Bye!
08:44We're too far gone for a section.
08:46Oh, we're too far, mate.
08:47We are at the second stage, so maybe a Bontu's advisable?
08:51Oh, yeah, right.
08:51Me old friend Bontalu, yeah, nice and hot, like.
08:55Yeah.
08:55Er, what?
08:56Er, always gets things moving, by me.
08:59Did you just say Bontalu?
09:00What is that?
09:01It's, um, it's the same word, thing, Bontu.
09:05It's the thing, what, you said.
09:07Er, vacuum extraction.
09:09You want to suck the baby out of that big old gash?
09:11Oh, God, I've messed up, haven't I?
09:17What the fuck am I looking at now?
09:20Doctor, you need to deliver this baby.
09:21I'm sorry, I can't, I'm just not ready.
09:25It's all right, it's all right, don't worry.
09:27Maz, mate, shall we do this?
09:30Yeah, yeah, I'm not nervous.
09:37Right, all me back, all the, give it my bump, bump action.
09:41I'm sure I bought some of my life this off Kangol.
09:46You said that he'd help me with me confidence issues.
09:50So I want to meet you, man.
09:52Didn't fucking work!
09:54Sorry, I'm sorry about that.
10:11You are so fucked, little lady.
10:17I have a daphne, I mean a gun.
10:23I have a gun.
10:34You like a gaffer, Tim?
10:35Stop, I'll show you.
10:45After you fuckface.
10:47Oh, no.
10:50You have got some elephantine bollocks
10:53fucking about on my streets.
10:57What are you doing?
10:58Stop that.
10:58My apologies for dealing drugs.
11:04In your town.
11:07I hate dealers like you.
11:09You fuckers.
11:11You spread misery like it was butter.
11:13I have kept this town clean for years.
11:17There are rules.
11:18Clear, simple rules.
11:20Why the fuck doesn't anybody get that?
11:24You're very welcome to buy my good, clean weed.
11:27You're very welcome to snort my good, clean jack.
11:31But if you want to huff some evil fucker's spice
11:35or inject shitty heroin into your penis
11:38so you end up with an infection
11:39and the NHS amputate your leg
11:42and you face a life of begging
11:44lying on the pavement drooling,
11:46then fuck off to Hull!
11:49Agreed.
11:51Hull is shit.
11:54The baby looks distressed.
12:00The baby's distressed.
12:02Come on, I'm fucking distressed.
12:04Get out.
12:04Get out.
12:13That's it.
12:14I'm going to vomit.
12:15Don't you dare throw up in that open woman here.
12:20Now, before I begin a procedure,
12:22would the patient please consent
12:23to a group of student doctors witnessing you?
12:33Would you stop that?
12:39Excuse me.
12:40Do you work here?
12:41No, I mean, yes, um, I work here.
12:45Um, yeah.
12:47Welcome.
12:48Is this recorder for sale?
12:50Um, yes, um, it's foodie pens.
12:54Um, let me put in the case for you.
13:01Daddy?
13:02Yes?
13:03Why am I getting calls from my sister
13:05saying she's been abandoned?
13:06Oh.
13:06She has her exam in 20 minutes.
13:07And what the hell's going on here?
13:12Oh, here you are.
13:14Um, um, this is for you.
13:19It's a new recorder, love, for your exam.
13:23And this lovely bunny is for you.
13:25And it's for me too.
13:28It's a joint present.
13:31From you?
13:32No, it isn't.
13:32Come on, girl.
13:37Bye.
13:37Bye.
13:38Oh.
13:38Oh, no.
13:40Bye.
13:44Yeah, bye.
13:45Bye.
13:47Just text me later then, Em, yeah?
13:52What?
13:56Fuck it, man.
13:57Fuck it.
13:58That door opens, yeah?
14:00You get in there, look like you fucking belong there, man.
14:02I don't, I don't really think I'm up to delivering another baby to them.
14:06Oi, see you then!
14:08Come on.
14:10You're mine.
14:12All right, mate.
14:13I got you back.
14:18Hey, old big fella.
14:20That's all I want, stick it.
14:29Oh, God!
14:32Welcome to the interaction.
14:42Sanctum.
14:44Sanctum.
14:46Why are you covered in, in jam?
14:49It's the blood of a stranger.
14:53Why are you covered in jam?
14:56Also the blood of a stranger, man.
14:59Open this fucking door.
15:04Where are you from?
15:05I will tear this slab of dead fucking tree
15:08off its fucking inches, you fuckers.
15:12Excuse me, Mr. Kennedy.
15:14Oh, she's all right.
15:17Oh!
15:18Oh!
15:18Oh!
15:21I will rush your shells, you fuckheads!
15:26It's Jack Nicholson, then, then.
15:29Quick, quick.
15:30Give me Daphne now.
15:31It's your quarter.
15:33Really?
15:33That slag gets about.
15:34They won't even be able to find the little random bits of you, you dead fucks!
15:42Boss!
15:43Boss!
15:43Excuse me, sir.
15:44May I ask what you're doing?
15:46Ow!
15:46Fuck off, Piggy!
15:49Daddy's busy.
15:51Boss!
15:52Fuck off!
15:53You fucking bastard!
15:56Police!
15:57Police!
15:58Open up!
15:59He's out still.
16:00For the money and rice.
16:04Open up!
16:05Open the door!
16:06Open the fucks, man.
16:07Open up!
16:08You took the rat from me, actually.
16:12I went to my turn.
16:15Fuck that, man.
16:17Right, yeah.
16:18We both go.
16:20Yeah.
16:20You and you, man.
16:22We both go.
16:24And you shot?
16:25Yeah, man.
16:27Yeah, man.
16:29I think I'll do all right in prison.
16:34I've always wanted to be someone's bitch.
16:40At least you finally get laid, man.
16:42Yeah.
16:42Yeah, man.
16:45Yeah.
16:47Bye.
16:52Fuck off.
16:56Fine.
16:57That's a go.
16:59Step out slowly.
17:00Show me your hands.
17:01a toast to our heroic doctors where with me and little ewan minibus mazit thompson be without you
17:15cheers i ain't worn this suit since the day you got stabbed nine times your bladder man
17:20i'm not wearing the suits last time i was in court for double manslaughter
17:23got away with it though didn't i funny times yeah i've been there
17:28what he got away with it
17:32hello joe speaking
17:37yeah so have you two you know
17:46have you fucked
17:54oh um oh uh yeah yeah um road exhausting
18:03babe no
18:11sorry it's non-stop yeah yeah um no
18:23oh mate you could be getting railroaded by a 60 year old farmer dinner later called tiny in prison bog right now
18:28i know what a shame
18:32right finish that then get out
18:35um you're finished get out thank you very much
18:52twat
18:53so it's a going well with you and leo then
19:00she's still annoyed because of you know
19:02murder
19:04what murder
19:05murdered me brother
19:06i was ready to go down with you you know
19:12i still cannot believe we got away with you
19:19it's her this is her fucking gun
19:23down he's got a gun
19:25no it's my bag
19:28you
19:29you
19:31fucking hell you're still going and that's my bag man not her
19:35check that bag and search him
19:36oh for fuck's sake
19:43finally
19:44i'm sorry dad
19:47it's clear
19:50nothing on them
19:52what
19:53check the recorder case
19:55i should check the recorder case
19:57gotcha
20:03why am i getting calls from my sister saying she's been abandoned
20:05she has her exam in 20 minutes
20:07and what the hell's going on here
20:10i should have known it was you
20:12see you in a decade
20:13take them away
20:14you're welcome
20:15you're amazing
20:17can you see into the future
20:19do i ever learn to swim
20:20do me and mys ever make it to moon slash mys
20:23will i ever not be lonely
20:24do dog shows ever take off
20:26will i die naked
20:27or in pyjamas
20:28actually no no no don't tell me
20:31don't tell me
20:31i want it to be a surprise
20:33okay
20:35uh
20:37pints
20:38hey
20:40where's everyone's favourite mentally ill alcoholic
20:43gandow
20:45no
20:45the other one
20:46oh
20:49sean
20:50oh yeah
20:51there now
20:52cheers
21:10you know what
21:15i could get used to this muck
21:17well done everyone
21:19we got out of the drugs game entirely healthy
21:22other than the lost bladder
21:24just like
21:26the sex worker
21:27slash teacher
21:28played by talents and althway
21:30in episode 748 of the bill
21:32cheers
21:34cheers
21:35are we even
21:48yep
21:49pant
21:50thanks
21:52so
21:53where were we
21:55hello you
21:59when
22:00no
22:02them
22:02no
22:02no
22:02no
22:03drunks
22:06crikey
22:08moussets
22:10yes
22:13bastards
22:18you make me miss my fucking yoga class
22:21let's go
22:22you'll be okay
22:23i believe you daddy
22:27you're my little choochy face
22:29and i'll always be your teddy bear
22:31now go and destroy the cunts
22:36gov
22:56there's so many to see you
22:58hello there
22:59this might be a slightly unusual request but
23:06i need you
23:09to arrest
23:10my daughter
Comments