Pushers Episode 2
#uk #comedy
#uk #comedy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Now, why would you think that?
00:06Not again!
00:09That's cocaine.
00:10Correct!
00:12Okay, I'm in.
00:14I spend 42% of my spare time playing drug dealer simulations.
00:18I shot Pablo Escobar last night.
00:21And I'm currently treasurer to the official The Bill fan club.
00:25Frankly, you need me.
00:27We should sell synthetic cannabinoid.
00:28Nah, but don't touch that shite.
00:30The profit margin with Spice is far higher and less risky than cocaine.
00:34Done correctly, we'll turn over £750,000 in year one.
00:38Gross.
00:38What a disgusting about money.
00:40You two, give us a minute.
00:44I will return in 58 seconds.
00:47I've been a drug dealer for literally 90 seconds.
00:54And my club is already broke.
00:58Shall we call it quits?
01:02Can I be real with you?
01:06I'm really fucking done with crying.
01:09It's just, I've come into some packet.
01:12A lot of packet.
01:13How much stuff do you have?
01:21Do you mean cocaine?
01:23Yes.
01:24Just say cocaine then.
01:27Street value, 500 grand, enough to make me a fucking millionaire.
01:31What are we going to do about?
01:34She's annoying.
01:37I'll admit that.
01:40But maybe she's useful.
01:45One more body pounding the streets.
01:47We'd speed things up.
01:49Get me out of the climber.
01:51Take a man to my bath or turkey out the beach.
01:53I've returned after one minute.
01:55You win.
01:56Congratulations.
01:59Welcome to the inner rectum.
02:02Sanctum.
02:03Sanctum.
02:04Please be a surprise McDonald's.
02:17Or I'll chip this fucking door in.
02:22I can see you standing there.
02:24Unless you have a very tall dog who wears human clothes and a cerebral paisley.
02:30Open up.
02:34Come on, mate.
02:35This white won't sell itself.
02:37And you never guess what minibus me says, like me.
02:40It's his minibus.
02:43Drugs are good for you.
02:44They're not.
02:45They are.
02:47They're bad.
02:50You think they want people to slow down for them things?
02:54Listen.
02:55I'm telling you.
02:56Drugs are good for you.
02:58Name me one person who's ever died from drugs.
03:01Michael Jackson.
03:03All right, Wikipedia.
03:04Listen.
03:05If drugs were that bad, would your man not tell her he'll be doing them all the time?
03:09What man on telly?
03:12The man in the clothes.
03:15It's like a suit.
03:17The man in the suit thing.
03:20Mr. Bobby.
03:22No.
03:23It's more grey.
03:26Big fucker.
03:30Barely man.
03:31Hobbit.
03:32Gandalf.
03:34That's the fella.
03:35He's a fictional character.
03:39No, he ain't.
03:40I was drinking with him in the pub last night.
03:44Yeah?
03:45Right, fuck off and sell coke now.
03:59Long page.
04:18You find the dirty money into a cash business.
04:31Okay, so you keep two sets of...
04:32I'm gonna give it to you.
04:36Yeah, I took a little break from traffic and freight.
04:40Traffic and freight.
04:41Yeah, traffic and freight.
04:42Free leader CSO on a late plate.
04:45Him bait got blow banging in the tape.
04:47Big brick knock the guy, man playing snake.
04:50I see that yellow bone, she got mad yellow cake.
04:54Says she's available to date for a date.
04:57Miss cool tennis.
04:59Now I'm getting jealous.
05:00Maybe I was oversellers.
05:02See, I tend to oversell it.
05:04Have you ever been considered expansion?
05:10Into, like, human trafficking?
05:12Organizing all that fun stuff?
05:15What?
05:16No.
05:17What?
05:18No!
05:18I'm meant teasing me on the Braybrook.
05:24All of this and that blue thing.
05:27Yeah, see.
05:28So here, that's some of the fuckers turf, man.
05:33The Braybrook estate is here, New Journey.
05:36Oh.
05:36Oh.
05:48What if we set up a legit business to clean our money?
05:57That speed bump over there is broken.
06:00Right, it went fast like you meant to.
06:01I'm the bastard in me facing.
06:03I think you misunderstood speed bumps.
06:09Listen, it's business, shite.
06:11You stick to being a disabled drugs donkey
06:13and I'll focus on being criminal mastermind.
06:16Yeah?
06:17Ow.
06:22We should use a charity.
06:27It'll be a cover for the cash.
06:31When we inspect a van-use toilet,
06:37we could instead be dropping a special delivery.
06:44Are you talking about doing poo's?
06:49No.
06:50Oh.
06:50And talking there about cocaine.
06:54Oh, right.
06:55Good.
06:56Yeah.
06:56That's well, that's weird.
06:58Then, every donations we get,
07:02we feed through the charity.
07:06If we do this, right,
07:07my one can dish
07:08I'm redesigning the logo.
07:11Because this here, right,
07:13this is fucking shite.
07:14This looks like it were drawn
07:16by a little blind girl.
07:18That's because it was.
07:22Yeah, what?
07:22Her name is Jane Woo
07:24and she prefers visually impaired person
07:26with restricted growth.
07:27Which reminds me,
07:28have you considered human resources?
07:30Yes.
07:31I never thought I'd say this sentence,
07:35but let's recruit a criminal drug gang.
07:41Wait, I didn't agree
07:42to bring you more random fuckers in.
07:44Don't you want to get rid of a cocaine
07:48as quick as possible?
07:53Got it.
07:54Have you met my mate?
07:54Do not say many books to me there.
07:59Ewan, I hit pissy tile.
08:02Yes, big.
08:03It's a tile
08:04that everyone tries to aim the piss at.
08:07I hit it.
08:08Oh, what about Terry the Rodent?
08:11He went down for topping an informant.
08:13He's a rat who eats rats.
08:17A rodent.
08:18I think rodents have the genre of animals,
08:23not the...
08:24Oh, Gandalf!
08:26Luke!
08:27There he is now.
08:28You all right, Gandalf, mate?
08:29How's it going?
08:31Seriously,
08:32he fucking loves his powder.
08:36Are you sure that guy's on telly?
08:40Adelaide Smith!
08:41He's fresh up the pen after he sits for murder.
08:45Or were it rape?
08:46Pretty sure it won't rape.
08:48Lee!
08:49Lee!
08:49Lee, mate!
08:50Were it rape?
08:52How do you know these boys?
08:56Off a course.
08:58Cognitive.
08:59Self-change.
09:01They sort of need to be discreet.
09:05People the police don't know about.
09:12Disabled people.
09:13More of your lot.
09:15Right.
09:16Definitely have a minibus, my say, then.
09:18Mate?
09:19Can I bring the minibus?
09:20Good idea.
09:22A disability bus is a perfect way to get around unseen.
09:31Who else did you have in mind for this organised crime group?
09:34How would you feel about joining a gang?
09:41Can I make a documentary about it?
09:46No.
09:47What skills does he have?
09:48He's pretty good at modern dance.
09:53Oh, yeah, right.
09:55Where would the crazy bin without the backing dancers?
09:57Mmm.
09:59Distraction.
10:00That's it.
10:02Harry will keep up with the youths.
10:07Social media presence.
10:09We're going to need more muscle, too.
10:11No offence, Maz.
10:12I'm taken.
10:13I'm a kitten.
10:14Meow.
10:15I know the guy.
10:22Watch out.
10:23Fly!
10:26I didn't get it.
10:27A slightly earlier version of that fucking muppet who lives in a bin.
10:30It's everybody.
10:32It's everyone.
10:34Men.
10:35Women.
10:37Children.
10:38Pigeons.
10:40Me.
10:41He's in.
10:42Okay, right.
10:43My turn.
10:44I reckon we need my ma.
10:45I reckon we need, um...
10:48a proper computer expert.
10:50Wait, isn't that my job?
10:52Click on start application.
10:54Who?
10:55Start application.
11:02You've closed the application page.
11:05I will fucking slap you, you robot bastard.
11:08Give me my application back.
11:10Your mum.
11:12Well, she's been a bit down lately, bless her.
11:14Her disability thing has been downgraded because MS is invisible.
11:18I like some ghosts.
11:20What does a 70-year-old woman know about selling drugs?
11:30I run a youth club tuck shop in my spare time.
11:34I do sweets mostly and a bit of weed.
11:37Don't cack yourself.
11:39Keeps it cheap and weak.
11:41It's like I like me men.
11:44Okay.
11:46Um, Harry, are you sure you're not making a documentary about gangsters?
11:56Don't look at me.
12:00Don't look at me.
12:02It's a fiction.
12:03Not a doggle.
12:05Hey.
12:06Feel me.
12:08No.
12:09So.
12:10This is...
12:11Brownhawk.
12:13We should have discreet cord names.
12:16I'm Brownhawk.
12:17Sounds like a turd.
12:20How is Shirley?
12:21As in, Shirley, he can't hold ten pints in five minutes.
12:26I can.
12:27I have.
12:28I will.
12:29If you're Shirley, can I be better?
12:31I'm Minibus Miss A.
12:33I refuse to take a codename.
12:35And, um, I'll be too deep in again.
12:40How about you start with a rousing speech?
12:46Fuck off.
12:48Right.
12:48So we're gonna use a charity as a cover to sell loads of cocaine!
13:05Oh, fuck right.
13:06What's going on, Dickend?
13:23We're starting all the drugs gang, ma'am.
13:25Come on.
13:26Hey, love the time, Sean.
13:31I think that yellow scene's probably liver failure.
13:33I'm living the dream.
13:35Same as not mine.
13:36Okay, gang.
13:37Social media contact time.
13:39Twist ring.
13:40Baby drip.
13:43Okay.
13:45Twist.
13:46It's all gonna be like this.
13:47I am a disabled toilet.
13:54Ben, you.
13:56My logo will be way better than this confusing shite.
13:59Well, we have to redo them anyway.
14:01The terminology's out of date.
14:03How many do you print?
14:04One hundred.
14:06Right.
14:06Thousand.
14:08What?
14:09Come here.
14:09Do you have any examples of your work, you and Sheridan?
14:12Yeah, I do, man.
14:16Mona getting really fucking leased.
14:21No, Leonardo da Vinci painted that.
14:23I'm pretty sure Leo didn't draw the massive shoot.
14:31Oh, we could get that printed on stickers with a QR code.
14:41Do you want more business?
14:44Yeah, yeah, I fucking love stickers.
14:47Oh, but Mona could be snorting a line off of Vincent Van Dyke's arsehole or something.
14:52Yeah, well, we could certainly use the image, given it's in the public domain.
14:56Is that what you're worried about?
15:01Copyright lawyers.
15:03You bastards should be worrying about Lenny.
15:06Henry?
15:07Why?
15:08He's the big bastard around here.
15:11Once, he had a chunk of a rival dealer's brain.
15:15I heard Lenny took someone's eyes out and boiled them.
15:18And then he spat them both back into his head.
15:20Yeah.
15:21Didn't he nail an entire family to the front of the Wilkos, including the dog?
15:26Lenny Henry did all of that.
15:30Why?
15:30Oh, my God.
15:40Have you been kidnapped?
15:43Baby drip.
15:44What?
15:44No, I'm at a silent, nude, tech-free yoga and ayahuasca retreat in Cheshire.
15:49Not your email.
15:50Why have you hired four people?
15:52Seven people.
15:54Me, Hope and Harry will not be taking their wage.
16:00Emily, I'm concerned.
16:02Do we need to talk about your mental health?
16:04No, don't worry.
16:07We've had a big donation.
16:11Check their account.
16:13John.
16:14Wow, five grand.
16:16Great work.
16:17Anyway, I bet to go and enjoy your nakedness.
16:26Bye.
16:27And action.
16:29One, two, three.
16:34They kick hands in shot.
16:36From the top, then.
16:54What up?
16:54Oh, yeah, man.
16:56Smell bacon.
16:57I've got a special delivery.
17:02I'm still boss, right?
17:03Of course, Brownhawk.
17:07I'm never going to be able to call you that without thinking about shit.
17:16Oh, beanbag.
17:18I love beanbag.
17:22I love this place, man.
17:24It's got it all moon, man.
17:26Dead people stuff.
17:28And all these books just waiting to be read.
17:31But not by me.
17:32By some other boring cunt.
17:40Right.
17:41Take it.
17:42Come on, fucks it.
17:46I'm after drawing a new logo.
17:53Oh, my God.
17:54Are you okay?
18:00Ewan?
18:02It's Leo.
18:09Oh, fuck.
18:10I didn't know you were still around here.
18:14Still at the GI with Pops and Harry.
18:17Dwayne, say hi to Ewan.
18:19He was my...
18:21In school, we were...
18:24Well...
18:25Yeah.
18:27Ewan, this is Dwayne.
18:28All right, fella.
18:29What's in it?
18:30What's in what?
18:31What's in your hand, the fiver?
18:33No, like we're going for a fist bump.
18:34Give me a fiver, bumhead, or a dad's gonna kill you.
18:37Don't say that.
18:38It's naughty.
18:41And stop doing that.
18:43So, is Ben out then, yeah?
18:45Nah.
18:46But I take this one to see him every week.
18:48Pack it in!
18:49Look, Dwayne.
18:51There's a bin.
18:52Get it, Dwayne.
18:53Get it!
18:53I reckon you should know who his old man is, you know?
19:01Yeah, well, uh...
19:03Send him my love.
19:05Eh, not love.
19:07Just say, um...
19:08All right, Ben.
19:10Actually, maybe don't say that.
19:12Don't even mention to him, uh, not to Ben.
19:15Yeah.
19:16I've been over here, man.
19:20Hey.
19:20New coke on the Brayabrook, eh?
19:27Why are you here?
19:28Why now?
19:32Here you go, go.
19:38Yeah, they've got her there.
19:42Bosh, your torch is on.
19:50If you swipe up, there's a menu.
19:57Should have a little torch symbol on it.
20:02Oh, my God.
20:03Excuse me!
20:06Stop!
20:07Stop right there.
20:08I've got to say that I want this to be fun!
20:13So, are you two still, um...
20:17Still...
20:20Still having, um...
20:22Fucks?
20:25Fucking?
20:26Me and Ben are done.
20:27Aye.
20:28Only see good guys now.
20:30Oh, right, yeah.
20:31Yeah.
20:32How's that working out for you?
20:34I haven't had sex in two years.
20:37That's fantastic.
20:39You think so, do you?
20:40Yeah, I do, man, yeah.
20:41Luke, later, can I be real with you?
20:46You're the most...
20:48beautiful thing in this town.
20:51You always was.
20:53And...
20:55You always will be.
20:58What?
20:59I'm more beautiful than the shrine?
21:03Well, apart from that, obviously.
21:06You know, in here he's fit as the shrine for a random dead boy.
21:10Yeah.
21:11Dead Steve-er.
21:18You really need to be careful with these dry terrain tyres, you know.
21:22They might claim to be the toughest on the market, but...
21:26They suffer terrible wear.
21:28Oh, here you are.
21:29What's this?
21:29Um...
21:31A backpack?
21:32You know what I meant, what model?
21:35My daughter's right into this pattern-y sort of thing.
21:39This zip is nice and smooth, isn't it?
21:42Eh?
21:42Does it ever get snagged?
21:46Just...
21:47Um, I really ought to get off.
21:54Where you ought to?
21:54Anywhere nice?
21:56It's not my bloody business, actually, is it?
21:58Well, safe travels.
22:00Oh, the torch is on.
22:04Bye!
22:05I'm having fucked.
22:12Why is your figment?
22:16Piss! Piss the dial! Piss the dial!
22:25Do you think Bon Hogs were gagging there?
22:28Who?
22:29You and Sheridan has decided we should have codenames.
22:31Can man be Shirley? I've always thought it sounded so glamorous.
22:37Shirley's taken.
22:37I think I got attracted pretty bags with a lovely police officer.
22:49Why the fuck would you do that?
22:51Keep your friends closed.
22:54Stab your enemies?
22:55Is that the new logo?
22:58I'm still colouring it in.
23:00Is that me?
23:03Yeah.
23:03Why do I have claws?
23:07Why is that toilet on fire?
23:13Fire's cool, man.
23:15So would you like it?
23:17You and this is a hate crime.
23:25Do you like it?
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