- 2 days ago
Ted Lasso Season 1 quickly became my new favorite series thanks to its brilliant humor, warmth, and unforgettable characters.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hey, hey. If we see each other in our dreams, let's goof around a little bit, pretend like we don't know each other.
00:05You got it, stranger.
00:07Call me Rebecca. Miss Welton's my father.
00:10If that's a joke, I love it. If not, I cannot wait to unpack that with you.
00:14How do you take your tea?
00:16Well, usually I take it right back to the counter because someone's made a horrible mistake.
00:19Do you believe in ghosts, Ted?
00:21I do. But more importantly, I think they need to believe in themselves.
00:25See, I'm fine when there's no bubbles. You know, I can do that all day.
00:30I would not bet on that. I mean, unless you want to win a buttload of money.
00:37Lion or panda?
00:38Panda.
00:38Lion! What's black and white and red all over?
00:40I don't know what.
00:41A panda that gets anywhere near a fucking lion.
00:43Seize you later.
00:47Yes. Yes.
00:52He's intolerable.
00:54Could you explain the offside rule?
00:56I'm going to put it the same way the U.S. Supreme Court did back in 1964 when they defined pornography.
01:02It ain't easy to explain, but you know what we see.
01:04What would you say motivates him?
01:07Blowjobs.
01:08Hmm.
01:10Is there a second option?
01:11Sorry, Nate. I have a real tricky time hearing folks that don't believe in themselves, so I'm going to ask you real quick again.
01:20Do you think this idea will work?
01:21Yeah, I do.
01:22Whoa! Why are you screaming at us?
01:25Jamie's top breaks Tart's heart.
01:27Did you just come up with that?
01:29Yeah.
01:29Everyone would read that.
01:30Of course they would.
01:31I mean, you have no idea the power of rhyming in this goddamn country.
01:34I am cute as a button, and I can rhyme my ass off.
01:37God, it's no wonder they want to destroy me.
01:39I'd hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off it either.
01:43Oh, that's not a compliment I've had before.
01:45You do have perfect action for your arms.
01:49There's another one.
01:50I'm not a spy, Rebecca. I'm just the director of football operations.
01:55And equally proficient at both.
01:58Well, thank you.
01:59Wait.
02:00I spoke to the owner of the Sun.
02:02You spoke to God?
02:04No, the newspaper.
02:05Oh.
02:05You got to sell that run through hard, baby. Make the defense believe you. Watch like this.
02:09Ball! Ball! Give me the ball! I want the ball! Give me the ball! I would like the ball, please!
02:14You know, make it a performance. I want you winning an Oscar at the ESPYs next year.
02:17Good kid.
02:17Boy, oh boy. You knew Coach Beard. You know what a big deal that was. You mean that, don't you?
02:24Whoa. Well, hell, there's your story right there. Got a headline, everything. Man nods head.
02:30You know who you remind me of right now?
02:32No, who? One of them robot vacuums.
02:36Just kind of wander around, look for dirt.
02:38Roomba.
02:38That's the one.
02:41Holy shit, Rebecca. Are those your real tits?
02:45I feel like a teenage boy. I can't stop staring at them.
02:47Where did you get those?
02:49My mum.
02:50I can't believe you. You stopped this from running. I would have shown everyone.
02:54You blew my brains out with those beautiful breasts of yours. Remember?
02:58Next.
03:01Well done.
03:02This is my buddy, Ollie.
03:04Please be.
03:04Congrats. You both just met a cool person.
03:08Fuck!
03:09Fuck!
03:10That's a bad word, and why?
03:12Oh, mind your own business, Phoebe.
03:18Be good.
03:21Coach, tell these boys what the first rule of my fight club is.
03:23No fight club!
03:24No fight club.
03:25She was kicked in the face by her horse.
03:27Oh, that poor thing. Is the horse okay?
03:29The passion's all about confidence.
03:31You know, if I didn't have any confidence, I never would have worn pajamas to my prom
03:34and ended up in jail the rest of that night.
03:36But you don't want to hear that story, so I ain't going to tell it.
03:38Oh, you got it. Oh, catch it.
03:40Oh, look at that.
03:42You got this, Higgins.
03:44And Rebecca's grateful for all your hard work.
03:46Thank you, Ted.
03:47Oh, look, I, she's fucking fat!
03:55All the way from outside.
03:58I bet deep down you kind of dig we're getting so close, right?
04:01I do.
04:02Oklahoma?
04:03I do not.
04:04Come on, the sand was more open than the jar of peanut butter on my kitchen counter.
04:10Uh-oh, that's right.
04:11Y'all don't know I like to keep the peanut butter open.
04:12That way, whenever I walk by, I can just stick my finger in it.
04:15Fucking good idea, to be fair.
04:16It is $9.99.
04:17For emergencies?
04:18Boy, that seems troublesome to me.
04:20You know, toddlers and just butt dials.
04:22Oh, because it's one key.
04:23Yeah, yeah.
04:24I'd probably have police cars and ambulances just zipping all over the place.
04:28Well, that happens a lot, doesn't it?
04:29It does, yeah, yeah.
04:29That explains it, actually.
04:31There you have it.
04:32Fucking lasso!
04:33Nice family, Hope.
04:34Damn it, Paul!
04:35Don't humanize it!
04:36What about you, Coach?
04:37You got a favorite bath bomb?
04:38Creme brulee, honey.
04:39Honey, is that an ingredient, or is that something you just call me right now?
04:42Ingredient.
04:42Shoot, I was kind of hoping it was the other one.
04:45Is he all right?
04:46No.
04:48Trent Crem, the Independent.
04:49Trent Crem, the Independent.
04:51Is it true in America you guys have so many beautiful dogs and pounds that some get put
04:55down for no reason?
04:56That is true, Sam.
04:57But it's also something a lot of female singer-songwriters are trying to change.
05:01Look.
05:01No, no, no, no.
05:02Hey, no, fellas.
05:04No, it was not, okay?
05:07It was.
05:08I'm sorry, I'm lying to you.
05:09I don't know why I'm doing that.
05:10I'm sorry.
05:10I just wanted you all to take a breath for a second.
05:12Wait, wait, wait.
05:13What you're telling me is we've got 400 ghosts.
05:15That's too many ghosts.
05:16We cannot fight them all.
05:17And I was like, come on, Keeley.
05:19Blow off some steam and have some wicked sex with your new friend.
05:24I'm fucking with you.
05:26Oh!
05:27I thought you were being serious.
05:29Can you imagine?
05:30Oh, I have.
05:31Well, we're fine.
05:33Hmm.
05:34Yeah, I'm all right.
05:35Okay.
05:37We're in a shit fucking mood because we never fucking win at Everton and it sucks fucking
05:40shit.
05:41Obviously, we're bummed out that O'Brien tore his butt.
05:44It's my upper hamstring, coach.
05:45Well, you tore your butt, son.
05:47There's nothing to be ashamed of, okay?
05:48It happens.
05:49People tear their butts all the time in athletics.
05:51You're not alone, man.
05:52Told you, you've torn your butt a few times, right?
05:53Three times.
05:54Three times.
05:55How worried are you about the threat of relegation?
05:58Well, Lloyd, right now I'm mostly concerned with the definition of relegation.
06:02It's either going to be movie night or a pillow fight.
06:04What's it going to be this time around?
06:05Come on.
06:05Movie night.
06:06Hey, all right.
06:07I'll tell you what.
06:08Y'all say pillow fight one time and we'll never watch another movie together again.
06:12Fuck Rupert.
06:13Is this your concubine?
06:14Is she Russian?
06:15Are you Russian?
06:16A, I love you.
06:17B, who are you?
06:17We no longer have a fax machine on the premises, but the concierge was able to locate one at
06:22a tanning salon eight miles away in Croxteth.
06:26You know what?
06:26That's okay.
06:27I'm just going to hit this manicurist nearby that has carrier pigeons.
06:30Do you want to do that thing where you pretend you wanted to paint?
06:32Oh, yeah, yeah.
06:32This is really good fun.
06:33Join in.
06:34Oh, you absolute piece of shit.
06:36I was about to do that.
06:37I was just about to get my card out.
06:38I can't believe you've just done this.
06:40We were just, we were going to split.
06:41That was so nice.
06:47What am I doing?
06:48This is my fucking man.
06:49Oi, out.
06:51I'm going to tell you something, but then I don't want to talk about it ever again, okay?
06:55Okay.
06:55I'm serious.
06:56I don't want to make jokes about it.
06:58I don't want you to give me any knowing glances, you know what I mean?
07:01Okay.
07:01Okay.
07:01I don't want to talk about it.
07:08I'd love to.
07:09Yeah, immediately.
07:10What's happening?
07:10You having a meeting?
07:11Yep, I'm having lady problems.
07:12You know, I'd love to get your perspective on it.
07:13No!
07:14Time to get you some of these.
07:16What, scissors?
07:17Yeah, to cut yourself some slack.
07:19Took me to plays and shit.
07:20You hated all of that.
07:22Yeah, because it's confusing.
07:23They do all these emotional things, make you feel all these emotional ways, and then they
07:27get mad when you start trying to shout out and talk to them during a performance.
07:30Does my face look like it's in the mood for shape-based jokes?
07:33No, Roy, it does not.
07:35But, in my defense, it rarely does.
07:37Still not getting it.
07:39Sure, Roy here has slept with a bunch of different people in his past, but Keely's got
07:44her own romantic and sexual history that predates Roy, and that's not okay.
07:49Oh, he means the opposite.
07:51I love it when coached a sarcasm.
07:53Hey, I wonder if they've ever seen the movie Bridget Jones' Dairy.
07:57Sorry, that's not my breast milk pun.
07:59We're actually here to meet with the Milk Sisters.
08:01Oh, they won't be coming now.
08:02Oh, no, did they expire?
08:04Yeah, woman with the hair.
08:06Keely Jones, the Independent Woman magazine.
08:09Yeah, woman with the fucking eyes.
08:12Keely Jones, the Independent Woman insert on Sunday.
08:15Forgot I had these on me.
08:18Oh, wait a second.
08:21I forgot I'm left-handed.
08:23I do yoga with a group of women in their 60s.
08:26They've no idea who I am.
08:27It's twice a week, and it's really good for my call.
08:29Normally only takes an hour, but Maureen's just been going for a divorce, and she needed
08:32to talk about it and blow off some steam.
08:34We all ended up at G.A.Y.
08:35until 2 a.m., and then we had crepes and balans with some drag queens.
08:40Like I said, it's private.
08:42Fellas, I could watch you do this jaunty North Korean military thing you do all day, but
08:48I need a favor.
08:49We'll die for you, coach.
08:50That's a little dramatic, Sam.
08:51I feel like y'all are about to do some improv comedy, or tell me that you're dating each
08:56other.
08:57Either one's cool with me, because your suggestion is ally.
09:00I'm just going to get straight to the point.
09:04No faffing around, because that's just annoying, and definitely no procrastinating.
09:07Procrasti-procrasti-procrasti- that's a good word, isn't it?
09:09Procrastinating.
09:10Pro-procrastinating.
09:12Yeah, I wonder what the etymology of that word is.
09:14I'm obviously pro, very good, but crest, crest, I have no idea.
09:19Hey, why don't we look it up?
09:21Have you got a dictionary?
09:22Not on me.
09:22Are you doing okay?
09:23I thought of a joke this morning in the shower.
09:26What does a British owl say?
09:32Coach, what's a British owl?
09:35I was saying, oh, that...
09:37Yeah!
09:40Oh!
09:47There's, um, no other seats.
09:50Oh, yeah, that's what my ticket says.
09:53There are a lot of surprises happening here.
09:56You know what the little shit did?
09:58He forgave me.
09:59I fucking know also.
10:01You know, the last time I was on the bench.
10:02Oh, you are ready to talk about real stuff.
10:04That's great.
10:05Um, wait one second.
10:10Come sit here.
10:16Like this.
10:18Okay, we're both ready.
10:19I can see you're happy now.
10:21I'm usually better at hiding my anger.
10:24You think so, huh?
10:27Be honest with me.
10:28It's a prank, right?
10:30A tea.
10:30Like when us tourist folks aren't around.
10:32Y'all know this tastes like garbage.
10:34No.
10:35I love it.
10:36Okay, you gotta pick a new captain.
10:37Oh.
10:39No, sir.
10:39You're my captain.
10:40That's the road.
10:40My fair captain has to be on the pitch.
10:42That's the road.
10:47Your successor, your duties as captain of the squad remain...
10:49unfulfilled this is why it's hard to love you
10:54oh it's gonna get you oops in it well said if God wanted games to end in a tie
11:04she wouldn't have invented numbers all right come on guys let's fire up let's
11:08go hey oh yeah for the love of Meghan Markle do not blow that whistle it is
11:11hopeless oh I'm sorry it's hopeless yeah yeah there's a great saying in Dutch
11:23ripple well I don't speak Dutch that's why I was going to tell you in English not
11:27everyone in your life is out to get you I am what for your respected honesty I do
11:35hey Jamie good luck fucking mind games
11:41you
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