That Mitchell and Webb Look - Season 4 Episode 05
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00:00Debbie? Debbie? I've come to read you a poem I've written.
00:24All right, whatever. Oh, Debbie, I wish my words could fly from my heart into your...
00:32My friend, you'll never find a lady's favour with paltry sentiments such as these. If you wish to win this woman's heart, you must reach out and speak unto her very being.
00:44But I never know what to say to her. A lover must speak with audacity, with passion, with courage, with wit.
00:53Your words climbing on each other's shoulders, surmounting the cool night air, and then tumbling gently into her ears.
01:02How do I do that?
01:03Perhaps I can teach you. All right, return to your battlefield of love and repeat after me.
01:11Oi, Debbie.
01:13Oi, Debbie.
01:14Louder, she is watching EastEnders.
01:16Oi, Debbie.
01:18What do you want?
01:20And so the dance begins. Tell her you want her to stop being such a bitch.
01:26I want you to stop being such a bitch.
01:29What?
01:29She looks annoyed.
01:31Ah, but she has turned off the telly. You have her now, mon ami. Ask her if she's bloody coming out or what.
01:38Are you bloody coming out or what?
01:41Now spit.
01:43Crumble.
01:45Out where?
01:46Well, there's a great new play on at the National, actually, so we...
01:48Oh, idiot!
01:51Did you say a play? Are you queer or something?
01:55No, I said I've got these tickets for the X Factor live tour.
01:58And what makes you think I want to go with you?
02:01Tell her, because she loves it.
02:03That doesn't even make sense as an answer.
02:05Do it! Say it because you love it.
02:07Because you love it?
02:09I beg your pardon.
02:10Now call her a dirty girl.
02:12Oh, that's just sexist.
02:13Oh, she will think it is, uh, effond, uh, cheeky.
02:17You're a dirty girl!
02:19Oi, you cheeky bastard.
02:22Ask her if she'd rather you gave the tickets to Carrie Richards instead.
02:27Would you rather I give the tickets to Carrie Richards?
02:29Who the hell is Carrie Richards?
02:31Who the hell is Carrie Richards?
02:32She's a girl you got pregnant 18 months ago.
02:35She's a girl I got pregnant 18 months ago.
02:38You'll give them to her instead of the child support.
02:41That's terrible.
02:42That's terrible.
02:43Nothing.
02:43Look, um, I'll be down in five minutes.
02:47I've just got to put some make-up on.
02:49Tell her she needs it.
02:50I'm not saying that.
02:51You need it, you ugly cow!
02:53You are such a cheeky dick.
02:56Come up and I'll call her the minicab.
02:58All right, but you're paying?
03:00Yeah, all right.
03:04Allee, allee, mon brav's a pigeon.
03:06It is nearly in the pot.
03:08Actually, you know what?
03:09I mean, thanks for the help and everything,
03:11but now I've talked to Debbie,
03:12I'm not sure if I really like her that much.
03:14I don't know if she'll be all right for the night.
03:16I'm not really into that kind of relationship.
03:18I think she might have some self-esteem issues
03:20allowing herself to be treated like that.
03:23What the hell?
03:24I don't even do...
03:25You coming in or what, you gormless bastard?
03:28Uh, actually...
03:28Ooh, nurse candy, thank God.
03:31Oi, naughty boy!
03:33Let's at least get a line in first.
03:35You wipe, you disinfect, you bleach,
03:38but don't let your guard down for a minute.
03:41If your children get dirt on them,
03:47they'll explode.
03:49When it comes to being careful,
03:51you can't be too careful.
03:53And that's why Clenlinol protects against
03:55absolutely all germs.
03:58And that's...
04:00a promise.
04:02Which means you can be confident
04:06that your children are protected
04:07against bad humours,
04:09miasma,
04:11and fresh air.
04:15And free to enjoy life
04:17the healthy way.
04:18Clenlinol.
04:25Because Clenlinol
04:26is next to Godlinol.
04:29In all good supermarkets.
04:31Come and meet my brother in your pool.
04:33He's lovely.
04:33He's a real people person.
04:35So, James,
04:36pleasure to meet you, James.
04:38Real pleasure to meet you.
04:39Heard a lot about you, James.
04:40Really?
04:41Zing.
04:41Like it.
04:42So, uh, tell me, James,
04:43what do you do for your day job?
04:45I'm asking because I'm genuinely interested.
04:47Well, I work in a sewage treatment plant.
04:49It's pretty low-key,
04:50but occasionally there's a blockage,
04:52which means someone's got to physically...
04:53Yeah, brilliant.
04:54Yeah, God,
04:54I'm so bloody fascinated, James.
04:56I'd like to glue my brain to your face.
04:59Are you even listening to me?
05:00That is so true.
05:02I'm not even talking.
05:03Me neither.
05:04God, we've got so much in common.
05:05We should totally do lunch.
05:06Oh, I see what's going on here.
05:09What?
05:10You think you're good with people.
05:12Sorry?
05:12It all makes sense,
05:14that the fake mateyness,
05:15the rapey arm-touching,
05:17the way you keep using my name
05:19in a way that makes me feel oddly violated,
05:21as if you've just dipped your cock in my drink.
05:24Sorry.
05:25It's called people skills.
05:27Well, I'm sorry to have to break this to you, mate,
05:29but these people skills
05:30you seem so desperate to thrust at me
05:32as if I'm the social equivalent of a wank doll
05:34just make you seem weird and a bit scary.
05:38No offence,
05:38but in a party situation,
05:40you seem about as relaxed and friendly
05:42as a serial killer doing a police interview
05:44while still wearing his last victim's skin.
05:48Don't worry.
05:49It's totally normal.
05:51It doesn't make you the sort of
05:52freaky, long-fingernailed loner
05:55who gets arrested in Sainsbury's
05:56for stroking the bread.
05:58Being shit with people
06:00is just a very minor disability
06:02that you share with everyone
06:03who is an Alan Carr or Top Cat.
06:05Just accept it and move on.
06:08OK, well...
06:10piss off and stand on your own, then.
06:12That's more like it.
06:12This is Adrian.
06:21He's 35,
06:23he lives in Southampton,
06:24and he's a fishmonger.
06:26But he's agreed to take part
06:27in a unique and pointless
06:29television experiment
06:30because we've set Adrian the task
06:32of making a fish-out-of-water documentary
06:34in just four days.
06:37But there's a twist.
06:38Adrian has no television-making experience.
06:41It always takes more than four days
06:43to make a documentary,
06:45and at the end of each day,
06:46we'll be weighing him.
06:48This is fishmonger out of watermonger.
06:52That's why we picked a fishmonger.
06:56It's day one,
06:58and Adrian is hoping to pick up some tips
07:00at False Jeopardy Productions,
07:02creators of TV hits like
07:04Medicine Swap,
07:05Pigeon Among the Cats,
07:07and Cheryl and Ashley,
07:08Coles to Newcastle.
07:11Isolde McYurt
07:12is Head of Envisioning
07:13at False Jeopardy.
07:15Now,
07:15the first thing you need
07:17is an arbitrary deadline
07:18to build tension.
07:21Arbit-territ-tary.
07:24Adrian has just eight minutes
07:26to come up with his arbitrary deadline.
07:29Hours.
07:30If he doesn't,
07:31the project cannot go ahead,
07:33and the whole thing
07:34will have been a massive waste
07:35of a third of a day.
07:36Day one second.
07:40Fish.
07:40Maybe.
07:42Okay.
07:44In the nick of time,
07:46Adrian has come up
07:47with his arbitrary deadline.
07:49But there's a problem.
07:51Under the rules of the show,
07:52he has to pitch the idea
07:53to a panel
07:54of former top television executives,
07:56now working at ITV,
07:58while juggling,
07:59a skill Adrian has never
08:01previously attempted.
08:02To help him,
08:03he'll also be allowed
08:04to sell them fish.
08:06So what I thought was
08:08is that you get
08:09a cheesemonger
08:11who makes, like,
08:13brie,
08:14and then you get them
08:15to make a different
08:16sort of cheese,
08:17like cheddar.
08:19And then he's like,
08:20whoa, cheddar is so hard.
08:22Because he's used
08:24to making soft cheese?
08:25No, because it's difficult.
08:27The executives love
08:29Adrian's cheese idea,
08:31but there's a problem.
08:32Under the rules of the show,
08:34he'll have to make it
08:34without using the word cheese.
08:39I'm really feeling
08:40the pressure now.
08:41I mean,
08:42I'm just going to have
08:42to mention cheese
08:44at some point.
08:47Time for the weigh-in, Adrian?
08:53Adrian has put on
08:54nearly three pounds,
08:55swapping from a predominantly
08:57fish-based diet
08:58to one consisting
08:59solely of cheese.
09:00under the rules of the show,
09:02this weight gain
09:03means Adrian will have
09:04his TV camera confiscated
09:05and will have to film
09:06his documentary
09:07on his mobile phone.
09:11Is anyone a cheesemonger?
09:12I mean,
09:12a rennet-induced
09:13curd food monger?
09:16Adrian's finding
09:17the impossibility
09:18of his task
09:19overwhelming.
09:20I mean,
09:22I've given it everything.
09:23110 percent?
09:25No,
09:26that's impossible.
09:29I mean,
09:29I've just...
09:30Cry.
09:31I feel that I've...
09:32Go on,
09:32go on,
09:32cry,
09:33please.
09:33I really just feel
09:35I've...
09:36I've given it everything
09:40and I'm still
09:41coming up short.
09:43And I so want to succeed.
09:46It's been my dream
09:47to stop being a fish-monger
09:49and make documentaries
09:50ever since the pub.
09:53Back at false jeopardy,
09:55it's time for Adrian's efforts
09:56to be judged
09:57by top industry professional
09:59Sir Alan Yentob.
10:00Is he a Sir
10:01or equivalent TBC?
10:07It's bad news.
10:08Well,
10:09in the end,
10:09I'd have to have weighed
10:10less than Posh Spice
10:11for my documentary
10:12to have worked.
10:13He said,
10:14and I don't know
10:15if I can bear to repeat this,
10:16it was good enough
10:17for Channel 5
10:18but not Dave.
10:21How do you feel
10:22about your journey?
10:25Well,
10:26the one here was all right
10:27but going back,
10:28apparently there's leaves
10:29on the line now
10:29so they're doing
10:30replacement buses
10:31after Basingstoke
10:32so not great.
10:35Tune in next week
10:37for our new series
10:38Whatever Happened to Adrian
10:39the Fishmonger Guy?
10:48So I've been catching up
10:50on my DVD box sets.
10:51Oh yeah?
10:51The Wire?
10:52No, Blackadder.
10:53I'm further behind
10:54than you think.
10:55Which reminds me,
10:55I really must watch
10:56The Young One
10:56before one of them dies.
10:58Yeah.
10:58I love Blackadder
10:59but I have to say
11:00I think the last joke
11:01in Blackadder Goes Forth
11:02really falls flat.
11:04The last joke
11:05so that's...
11:07But when they're all
11:08going over the top
11:09into no man's land
11:10and it looks like
11:11they've got shot
11:12and then it cuts
11:13to this visual gag
11:14of a field of poppies
11:16and the studio audience
11:17really aren't buying it
11:18at all.
11:19Yeah, I'm not
11:20altogether sure
11:21that that's meant
11:22to be funny.
11:23Well, the As Time
11:23Goes By defense.
11:25No, no.
11:26I think having made
11:27a lot of jokes
11:28I mean really
11:28a lot of jokes
11:29they felt that
11:30they needed to show
11:31some heart
11:32you know
11:32that everything's
11:34not about jokes
11:34and there are
11:35serious things.
11:36Why would they do that
11:37in a comedy show?
11:39Isn't that a bit
11:39here's two minutes
11:41in the hangover simulator
11:42to go with your beer?
11:44Well, how would you
11:44have ended it?
11:45Some big Frank Spencer
11:47pratfall over barbed wire
11:48into some poo
11:49so the credits roll
11:50and they're all
11:51covered in poo.
11:52Poo?
11:53Yeah.
11:54What poo?
11:55The poo
11:56in no man's land.
11:57There wasn't any poo.
11:59It looks like poo.
12:00It was mud.
12:01Mud poo?
12:02It's not my idea, David.
12:03I'm saying
12:03they shouldn't have done that.
12:04It's good that
12:05they didn't do that.
12:06Where would the poo
12:07have come from?
12:08Forget about the poo.
12:09There was no poo.
12:10What I'm saying is
12:11that comedy
12:12can't all just be
12:13talk of poo.
12:14News to me.
12:15Sometimes you have
12:15to show some depth.
12:16Do you think
12:17we should do that?
12:18Well.
12:19Kill off Adrick,
12:20roll the credits
12:20over silence.
12:21It would certainly
12:22stop that bastard
12:23saying what the
12:24next programme is.
12:25No, it wouldn't.
12:26Nothing would
12:27stop that bastard.
12:28And even if it
12:29stopped the bastard
12:30on BBC2,
12:31it would never
12:31stop the bastard
12:32on Dave.
12:33He doesn't give a shit.
12:34As soon as he gets
12:35to the poppy bit
12:35of Blackadder Goes Forth,
12:37he's already split
12:37the screen and he's
12:38showing highlights
12:39of Frankie Boyle's
12:40Nan Pussy set
12:42in memory of the Fallen.
12:44I think we really
12:45need it, David.
12:46I think we desperately
12:46need to show maturity
12:47with something
12:48tapped on and mawkish.
12:50Like we care about
12:51MS.
12:52MS?
12:53Doesn't have to be MS.
12:54Just people
12:55and their relationships
12:56and their disgusting
12:57problems like we give
12:58a shit or something.
12:59That's the mission statement.
13:00MS.
13:26.
13:26I'm sorry, I can't quit.
13:56I can't.
13:57What?
13:58I can't.
13:59I can't hear you.
14:00What?
14:01What?
14:02I didn't catch.
14:03What?
14:04I can't hear you.
14:05I can't.
14:06What?
14:07Could you?
14:08There might be a quiet bit.
14:09Hang on.
14:11Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
14:14Why does it have to be so loud?
14:25No.
14:26Do you want to go somewhere quieter?
14:33We'll go somewhere quieter.
14:34Yeah.
14:35Good idea.
14:36Yeah.
14:37Drink up now, please.
14:38Do you want to see if there's somewhere to sit?
14:41I've called time.
14:42Oh, have you?
14:43Oh, okay.
14:44Is there anywhere nearby?
14:45Good night.
14:46Are they still in the shop?
14:47Oh, okay.
14:48Right.
14:49Is there anywhere nearby?
14:50Good night.
14:51Are they still in the shop?
14:54Yeah.
14:55Um.
14:56Oh, yeah.
14:57So, Digby and Ginger fall in a skip, and they find a child's bunny rabbit, and you close
15:12in on the bunny rabbit, and the bunny's crying.
15:14And then you just cut to a caption saying, fuck cancer.
15:18Yeah.
15:19That's a bit post-nordered here.
15:20How about sod cancer?
15:22Sod cancer?
15:23Yeah.
15:24Sod cancer for a game of soldiers.
15:26Yeah.
15:27I think sod cancer on its own.
15:28It's stronger on its own.
15:29Yeah, it is strong.
15:30And then we're in Afghanistan, but everyone's wearing Make Poverty History wristbands.
15:35Including the Taliban.
15:36Yeah.
15:37And pay to black.
15:39Roll the credits over silence.
15:40Yeah.
15:41Or keen.
15:42Will I recognize that?
15:43Yeah.
15:44Is it a bit contrived?
15:46Yeah.
15:47You're right.
15:48We're not getting anywhere.
15:49Shall we have a cup of tea?
15:52Sorry, guys.
15:53The hot water's run out.
15:54It'll be about five minutes.
16:00Oh.
16:01So, er, the wedding worked?
16:27Yes, the wedding worked.
16:29Well done us.
16:30Ugh.
16:31And you've called her Dorothy.
16:34Lovely name.
16:35Yes, yes, Dorothy.
16:36Although, er, we prefer to call her Dottie.
16:39Don't we, Dottie?
16:40Hello, Dottie.
16:41Hello, Dottie.
16:42I prefer Dorothy, actually.
16:44Of yours!
16:45Of yours!
16:46Would you like the christening to form part of the regular Sunday service?
16:50Yes, if that's okay with you.
16:52Fine.
16:53Absolutely.
16:54Absolutely.
16:55Shit, you!
16:56Otherwise, it's a bit like welcoming someone into a family while everyone's in bed.
17:00In bed?
17:01What are you saying?
17:02We still have sex, you know.
17:03I mean, we are very tired, but...
17:04I'm not tired.
17:05You're not breastfeeding.
17:06Neither are you anymore.
17:08It is very hard!
17:10It's been hard for me too!
17:13I'm yours!
17:14I'm yours!
17:15I'm yours!
17:16Guys.
17:17I'm yours!
17:18I'm yours!
17:19I'm yours!
17:20I'm yours!
17:21I'm yours!
17:22I'm yours!
17:23I'm yours!
17:24I'm yours!
17:25I'm yours!
17:29What a lovely fart.
17:31Good girl.
17:32Merry Christmas, sir!
17:43What the hell are you talking about, Hennemore?
17:45It's August the 12th.
17:46They put the decorations up earlier every year, don't they, sir?
17:49That may pass us brilliant societal observation in the outside world, but here at Tinsel International
17:54incorporating British baubles and shiny balls UK, it plunges our annual rush squarely into
17:59the dog days of summer.
18:01Mint julep?
18:02Thank you very much, sir.
18:04What the hell are you doing drinking at work, Hennemore?
18:07Sorry, sir.
18:08I keep thinking it's Christmas.
18:09What on earth gave you that idea?
18:11Anyway, not to worry, Hennemore, because you could cope with this job drunk.
18:14Glad to hear it, sir.
18:16Look at the quality of that fairy, Hennemore.
18:18Oh, she looks good enough to fuck.
18:20Yes, sir.
18:21As you know, we in Britain are banned from manufacturing likenesses of the female form
18:25under the Masturbatory Discouragement Act of 1969 and have to get them in from abroad.
18:30So I need you to order 12 more of those extravagant fairies to be here by 4 o'clock when Gavin
18:35Rod, thrusting chief executive of Whoopsies department store, Oxbridge Avenue, Central London,
18:39will be here to pick up our biggest Christmas order yet.
18:42So make sure there are 12 extravagant fairies delivered here, number 4, 1600 Avenue by 4.
18:47Righto, sir.
18:48On an unrelated note, my wife, who's been staunchly pro-queer ever since she was once
18:52briefly lesbianised at secretarial college, is an enthusiastic fundraiser for the World
18:56Homosexual Organisation of Peterborough, Stevenage, India and ERA.
19:00Whoopsie!
19:02Whoopsie!
19:03Told you to lay off that stuff.
19:05And as you can see, she's nowhere near her funding target.
19:08But that's at the top, sir.
19:09That's because it's so bloody hot in here.
19:11In reality, she's barely raised a bean, largely as a result of the efforts of horrible homophobes
19:16like Gavin Rod.
19:17Gavin Rod of Whoopsie?
19:18Don't be ridiculous, Hennamore.
19:20Why would Gavin Rod join a pro-Nancy pressure group?
19:23Everyone knows he was once briefly homosexualised at managerial college.
19:26I mean, Whoopsie, the department store.
19:28Then why the blazes didn't you say so?
19:30Sorry, sir.
19:31It's all right, Hennamore.
19:32I know you're drunk.
19:33And I hate having to do business with the likes of Gavin Rod.
19:36Anyway, forget about him.
19:38In order to make sure that Mrs Boss's fundraiser goes with a bang, I need you to book a dozen
19:42gay dancers for the cabaret.
19:44The most extravagant ones they've got.
19:46It's an evening event, but they'll need to get there early.
19:48About 1600 hours.
19:49And the address is 1600 4 o'clock street.
19:52I'm sure those twelve fairies will loosen the pockets of the gentlemen present.
19:55And remember to get the twelve extravagant fairies here by four for the homophobe.
19:58I notice you're not writing any of this down, but I expect that's because it's so simple.
20:02Nail her head, sir.
20:17It's not natural.
20:18You're all abominations.
20:20Oh, it's that managerial college all over again.
20:23Oh, sorry I'm late, Gavin, but I've been meaning to say a bit of broad-mindedness when
20:28it comes to other people's lifestyle.
20:29What the?
20:30I'm a remand down, sir.
20:32Oh, this thong's a bit tight.
20:34Anymore!
20:38You're watching the British Emergency Broadcasting System.
20:45Coming up later, our new topical entertainment show, Mock the Event,
20:50which may offend viewers who are affected by the event.
20:53But first, it's time for the quiz broadcast.
20:57Hello, good evening, and scratching only makes it worse.
21:05Don't!
21:06Don't!
21:07Don't!
21:08Welcome to the show.
21:10Now, before we start, since last week, we've actually had a letter from them,
21:17saying that a lot of them apparently watch and enjoy the show.
21:20So I'd just like to say to any of them watching,
21:23Leave us be!
21:24Why can't you leave us alone?
21:27So let's meet the contestants.
21:30Peter, of course, say, you won't know what one of them looks like.
21:34No.
21:35Well, let me tell you, they look just like us.
21:38Well, of course, they used to be us, didn't they?
21:40That's right.
21:41They used to be us.
21:43I'd also like to welcome back the lovely Sheila.
21:46Yes.
21:48You're not one of them, I hope, are you, Sheila?
21:51Yes.
21:52She can only say yes, you fools!
21:58She's been voltage calmed!
21:59I was just trying to do a joke!
22:02I was only trying to do a joke!
22:08Is Sheila alright?
22:10Sheila's fine, Peter.
22:13Sheila's safe.
22:15And our third contestant is a newcomer to the quiz broadcast.
22:21What's your name?
22:22Why do you want to know?
22:25Add on to round one.
22:29Them.
22:30Question one.
22:31What do we know about them?
22:34Only that we fear them.
22:36Correct.
22:37Question two.
22:38Are they trying to get in?
22:40I'll give you a clue.
22:41Sheila could have answered this one.
22:42Yes.
22:45Correct.
22:46They are trying to get in.
22:48They're really trying to get in.
22:51And question three.
22:53Have any of them got in?
22:56Yes.
22:58I'm sorry.
22:59I'm afraid the answer I've got here is that, to date, thankfully, none of them have got in.
23:04That's not the right answer.
23:07And finally for this round, question four.
23:10Do they really feed on human flesh, or is that just a myth?
23:16I can hear crunching.
23:18Ah, well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for, because, um...
23:22They've got in.
23:28Well, there's nothing for it.
23:29Someone's got to die.
23:31If this show's to have any meaning at all, we've got to show that we're prepared to kill someone off.
23:35What?
23:36One of us?
23:37Oh, God, no.
23:38What's it like?
23:39Mark?
23:41I don't think people really know who Mark is.
23:44They'll probably have to cut to him now to illustrate it.
23:50Well, it's going to have to be James then, isn't it?
23:52We're going to have to kill James.
23:54Oh, yeah.
23:56Hi, guys.
23:58Oh, I'm so happy at the moment.
24:00I feel like it'll never end.
24:02What are you doing?
24:03I'm talking to my best gal on Facebook.
24:05Perfect.
24:16What would you know about Cricket?
24:17No, I'm struggling.
24:19Can you sit there and destroy everything he's worked for?
24:22Cricket is here to provide what we call extreme negative feedback.
24:26This guy marries a girl, takes him back...
24:28He should be afraid, because bronze is brilliant!
24:35No!
24:37No!
24:39No!
24:41Yeah!
24:43No!
24:45No!
24:46No!
24:48No!
24:50No!
24:51Good job!
24:52No!
24:53No!
24:54No!
24:59No!
25:00I'll see you next time.
25:30I'll see you next time.
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