That Mitchell and Webb Look - Season 4 Episode 04
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00:00Yeah, well, it's day 15, and we're somewhere over Kazakhstan, unless I've got this upside down.
00:22But, no, good news is we're still on schedule, aren't we, Jolly Boy?
00:26Eh?
00:26Yes, chef.
00:27Yeah, me and Jolly got this whole chef, sous-chef thing going on.
00:31All right, let's put that down there.
00:34Ah, yay!
00:36I don't know, we've done some mad shit in the past, but this really takes...
00:40My name is...
00:46Oh, God.
00:49My name is Philip.
00:51Philip Phillips.
00:52I designed stationery for W.H. Smith.
00:55I think this part beats me hard.
01:00I've worked out that he's some sort of celebrity chef.
01:07I don't know if that is.
01:10He thinks he's a stress program.
01:14He thinks I'm his friend.
01:15He's taking me rid of the wind.
01:20He's...
01:20He's...
01:21He's fucking...
01:22I don't know.
01:24What do you think this happened?
01:26Every time I wake up, there's more of these.
01:33I think they have needle marks.
01:34I think this happened to me.
01:36Jack, Diane, who are you talking to?
01:38I miss you, Rebecca.
01:40They have a kids I love.
01:42Do you see this?
01:43Anyone sees this?
01:44Take it back.
01:47You just don't do it for you.
01:49She's always coming over to my desk to get a pencil
02:16and, you know, brushing against my shoulder
02:19and smelling my hair.
02:20It just makes me feel very uncomfortable.
02:22So, basically, you're accusing Claire
02:23of sexual harassment in the workplace?
02:26No, I...
02:27Well, sort of.
02:29Well, let's get her in here,
02:31see what she has to say about it.
02:32Oh, let me...
02:32Claire!
02:35Could you come in here, please?
02:36I'll have to call you back.
02:43Ah, yes.
02:45Claire, come in and shut the door, please.
02:49Claire, this is a little bit delicate.
02:57Mike says that you've been a bit inappropriate in the office.
03:01What?
03:03What do you mean?
03:04Well, it's...
03:05It just...
03:06It sometimes feels...
03:07I feel a little bit uncomfortable sometimes
03:09with the touching.
03:11Well, you know, I'm sorry, genuinely.
03:14I thought I was just being, you know, friendly.
03:17There you go, Mike.
03:17She was just being friendly.
03:19And from my point of view,
03:20I don't know what you were complaining about.
03:21Martin!
03:22I know this seems like a lot of fuss about nothing,
03:25but I honestly think if I were a woman...
03:27Maintenance!
03:28Oh, yep.
03:29Come on in.
03:29Oh, I'm really not comfortable with...
03:31Mike, it's fine.
03:32They're just doing something with the wires in the ceiling
03:34and none of them can speak any English anyway.
03:36Sorry.
03:48Sorry, Mike, you were saying...
03:50I was just saying,
03:51I really think you would take this a lot more seriously
03:53if I were a woman.
03:55Yes, you're right, Mike.
03:57But perhaps I was being unfair.
03:59Sorry, Mike.
03:59Claire.
04:00I'll make more of an effort to respect your personal space, Mike.
04:03Thanks.
04:04There you go.
04:05That's all sorted.
04:08I think we'd probably better stay here till he's finished.
04:11Yeah.
04:14So, have you got any exciting plans for the weekend?
04:18Maybe.
04:19Good, good.
04:20Me neither.
04:22I am going to Centre Parcs.
04:26It's Saturday night at 6.38
04:29and it's time for Bavaria's top entertainment show,
04:32Reports Mode.
04:34Good evening, good evening, and welcome.
04:40Well, that's enough about the time of day.
04:42Let's get straight down to show business.
04:45Sharpen your pencils.
04:46It's Report 1.
04:56Tickety-bonk.
04:57Stable at 5.6.
04:58Point 2 above the arithmetic mean, so...
05:02Party, party, party.
05:04Now, hold on to your helmets.
05:09As we head down to the quarry for Report 4.
05:17Everyone a crackpot.
05:19Get it?
05:20Stop.
05:20I'm killing you.
05:21And now, Reports Mode Correction Time.
05:25Thank you, Feldman.
05:31Of course, as many of you spotted in last week's Report 2,
05:41Cell DS should have read moderate.
05:45Honky-tonky.
05:46So, let's take a break from all those reports to see how Weird Reports Mode are doing in efficiency.
05:52Devils have been maintained, as they always must be.
05:57Always must be.
05:59Isn't that right, Captain?
06:05That's right.
06:06So, this Deep South sketch.
06:13Yeah.
06:14Are we doing the accents?
06:15Yes, of course we're doing the accents.
06:17We're also wearing the costumes.
06:19What do you think we were going to do?
06:20Just hold the script up to a camera?
06:22Yes, all right.
06:23Actually, you'd love that, wouldn't you?
06:24No, in fact, I'll tell you what your ideal sketch show would be.
06:27Oh, please do.
06:27It's us wearing dinner jackets, sitting behind a desk, reading the scripts to camera on autocue.
06:33Finish now.
06:34Hello, welcome to the sketches.
06:36Evidently not.
06:37Interior day.
06:39A shop.
06:39A gentleman whose attire proclaims him to be from the southern United States enters.
06:44Dialogue.
06:44Ah, Mr Beauregard.
06:46Good day to you.
06:46And good day to you, too.
06:48Harlan.
06:49Couldn't think of another southern surname.
06:51The point is, we're doing the accents.
06:53Can you do a southern American accent?
06:55Of course I can.
06:56Go on, then.
07:00Bass hug.
07:02Bass hug.
07:03Bass hug.
07:04Bass hug.
07:05There are all the lines in this sketch, boss hug.
07:08I can say other things, too.
07:11I'm just a girl who can't say no.
07:15I'm in a terrible fix.
07:18Welsh.
07:19Mommy, mommy, tear down the curtains and make me a dress.
07:24Backwards.
07:25Yee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e.
07:33Eer?
07:34That's very good.
07:36All you have to do now is teach me how to do it and we're away.
07:38Ah, Mr Beauregard, good day to you
07:42Yeah, a very good day to you too, Harlan
07:44The designs are ready and waiting if you were to step this way
07:46Now, just to clarify, this is for everyone in your club to wear, isn't it?
07:50Not just the leaders
07:51No, no, no, this is for all of us
07:53We require a smart, functional uniform
07:55That identifies us as members of the club
07:57And gives us a certain authority
07:58Exactly as I thought
07:59Well, I think you'll find this is perfect
08:01What the hell is that?
08:05I knew you'd like it
08:05It's a ghost costume
08:07No, it's imposing and awe-inspiring
08:10It is as if you're nine
08:11And scared of ghosts
08:13Otherwise, it's a big nighty
08:15Oh, you're being very unfair
08:16And what's this all about?
08:19The pointy hat?
08:20It'll make you look taller
08:21It will not make us look taller
08:23What it will make us look is pointier
08:24But you specifically asked for a pointy hat
08:27I meant like a tricorn hat
08:29Like a highwayman
08:30Not a Rapunzel hat
08:32Look, just try it on
08:33That's all I ask
08:34Once you see the effects
08:36Oh, terrific
08:39That's the perfect finishing touch, that is
08:41Would you say you have an unusually small head?
08:44No!
08:45All right, fine, fine
08:45I can cut eye holes
08:46Eye holes?
08:48It'll increase your mystique
08:49Harlan, perhaps you're under some sort of misapprehension
08:51My companions and I have banded together to promote the resurgence of the Confederacy
08:55And subjugate the insolent slave race
08:58Not to go trick-or-treating
08:59And what's this?
09:02K-K-K?
09:03It's the initials of your society
09:05The initials?
09:06Of the Confederate Campaigners Club?
09:09Er, no
09:11No, no, of course not
09:13It's, um, I came up with a new name for you
09:15We don't want a new name
09:17Yes, you do
09:17Mine's much better
09:18What is it, then?
09:20What is it?
09:20It's the...
09:22The...
09:23K-K...
09:24Er...
09:25It's funny
09:26It's just kind of out of my head
09:27But...
09:28Goodbye
09:28Wait, wait
09:29It's the...
09:30K-Koo-Klucks-Klan
09:32The Koo-Klucks-Klan
09:35Yes, sir
09:36This is just meaningless noises
09:38I was supposed to introduce ourselves to people
09:41Hello
09:41We're the new death-dealing militia of white supremacy
09:44We're called the Koo-Klucks-Klan
09:46Affiliated with the Whip-Wap-Wop and the Bingley-Bongley-Boo
09:50We're easy to recognise
09:51We're the ones wearing bedsheets
09:53And peeking out through the eye holes
09:55In the massive pointy hats we wear over our faces
09:58All right, you don't like it
09:59That's fine
10:00There's the other one
10:00I never thought you'd like that one
10:01This is the good one
10:02This will inspire your followers
10:04And strike fear into the hearts of your enemies
10:06It's a massive little girl
10:10Exactly
10:11What could be scarier than a massive little girl?
10:14Freaky
10:14So this is it
10:15For our big inaugural rally tomorrow night
10:18We either have to go dressed as pointy ghosts or enormous girls
10:22Well, I'm sorry
10:23It simply never occurred to me that you wouldn't like either
10:25Fine, we'll take 60 pointy ghosts
10:30But I'll expect a discount
10:32Why, Harlan, you did it!
10:39You'll make those bigots look like twats!
10:43We've said we're not doing the accent
10:46Sir Minister, we've run every viable model through the computer
10:50And it looks like there just are no easy solutions to this recession
10:54Yeah, raising VAT, cutting VAT, raising interest rates
10:57Raising interest rates, ironed VAT, lowering income tax and raising VAT
11:01None of it seems to really help
11:03Have you tried kill all the poor?
11:07Sir, with respect, we've had this conversation before
11:11I'm just saying, have you tried it?
11:12No, of course we haven't tried it
11:13We're not going to try it
11:14I'm not saying do it
11:15I'm just saying run it through the computer, see if it would work
11:18Whether it would work is not the issue
11:20So you think it might work?
11:22That's pretty right wing
11:23No, I don't think it'll work
11:25I think it might
11:27It wouldn't
11:28Why not?
11:29Well, because they do all the, you know, they clean all
11:32We need them for all the things that we don't fancy
11:36Aren't you thinking of immigrants?
11:37Look, there's an easy solution to this, guys
11:39Just run it through the computer and check
11:40Well, no
11:43I can't believe you haven't done it drunk as a joke
11:45What?
11:46Well, just do it quickly
11:47I'm not going to do it
11:48Why not?
11:49Because it's offensive and evil
11:51I don't see the objection
11:52The computer's not going to be offended
11:53Just run it through
11:55The computer will say, no, it wouldn't help to kill all the poor
11:57And I'll stop going on about it
11:59Oh
11:59Right then
12:00There, see?
12:08Satisfied?
12:09Have you tried raise VAT and kill all the poor?
12:11Look, we're just fact-finding
12:13Why do you so want to kill all the poor, sir?
12:16I don't want to do anything of the sort
12:17But I think it's important to know if it would help
12:19Of course it wouldn't help
12:20But the computer says it wouldn't help
12:22So we're not doing it
12:23That's why we're not doing it
12:25What?
12:26That's the only reason why we're not doing it
12:28Bloody hell, now I'm offended
12:30I'm sorry?
12:31I shouldn't have asked you to run that through
12:33It turns out if it had come out positive
12:34You'd have started work by now
12:36And here I am, blue sky thinking amongst friends
12:39And I didn't realise that it's only cold-hearted pragmatism
12:41That's keeping you from pumping gas into Lidl
12:43I'm confused, sir
12:45Look, just because a computer says that
12:47Killing all the poor will help the economy
12:49Doesn't mean I'm going to do it
12:51It's morally wrong, Anne
12:52That's why we can run it through the computer
12:54Because we know whatever it says
12:56We're not going to do it
12:57That's the page I'm on, Anne
12:58Are you going to burn the book?
13:00No
13:01We were pretty sure that child brothels would help with arts funding
13:04But does that mean we did it?
13:05No
13:05Never got beyond a pilot scheme in Yeovil
13:08You're quite right, sir
13:10I'm sorry if I, in any way, cast aspersions on your commitment to the sanctity of all human life
13:14It's all right, guys
13:16I think it's pretty clear what we need to do
13:18Shave half a percent off interest rates
13:20Shore up the pound
13:21Keep VAT steady for now
13:22And round up all the dwarves
13:24Yes, Minister
13:26You're watching the British Emergency Broadcasting System
13:34The time is slipping inexorably away
13:37And to help with that, as usual
13:40It's the quiz broadcast
13:41Hello, good evening, and remain indoors unless infected
13:49Hopefully not infected are our three contestants tonight
13:56I'm infected
13:57Bad luck, Professor
14:01And our other contestants are Peter, who you may remember
14:06Hello
14:06And Sheila, who you're also permitted to remember
14:09Yes
14:10And Sheila, when we last saw you, you were being taken off to be voltage calmed
14:15Is that right?
14:16Yes
14:17How was it?
14:18Yes
14:19That's great
14:21Yes
14:23Is it true that you can only say yes now?
14:26Yes
14:26Were you answering me, or did you just say that because you can only say yes?
14:30Yes
14:31So you can say other things?
14:34Yes
14:34That's priceless
14:37That really is TV gold
14:40Please do not attempt to use this programme as currency
14:44Barter is forbidden and punishable by exposure
14:47So, our first round, as ever, is the quiz round
14:52Fingers on hands, please
14:53And that's the alarming alarm
14:57Do not be alarmed
14:58It means it's time for a music round
15:00Have a look at this clip
15:02I can't
15:06I can't
15:06Yes
15:09Beautiful
15:10But that's enough about our star prize
15:13I bet you'd like to win that, wouldn't you, Sheila?
15:17Yes
15:17Change the bloody record
15:20Is the name of our music round
15:22So let's bring on the bloody record
15:24What is the link between the bloody record and the event?
15:32Is it
15:33A. Unknown
15:35B. Known but prohibited
15:37Or C. Yes
15:40Sheila?
15:43Yes
15:44Do you mean C?
15:46Yes
15:46Bad luck, Sheila
15:48So close
15:49But the answer is, of course, A. Unknown
15:51Yes
15:52Happy birthday
15:55Happy birthday
15:56Happy birthday to us
15:59That's right
16:02Prayer in a pint is 41 years old this week
16:06Hello there
16:07I'm Donnie Cozy
16:09And I hope you can join me for this very special prayer in a pint
16:12Which this week comes to you from the beautiful city of Tehran
16:17In the east
16:19Gorgeous
16:21Mention Iraq to most people
16:26And they'll probably think of those Indiana Jones type fellas on the news
16:31But there's also a lot of skiing here
16:34But that may be because
16:36As Aziz down here has just kindly pointed out to me
16:41Tehran is in fact the capital of Iran
16:45And not in Iraq at all
16:47Which may explain what's happened to Sherry Lungie and Max Headroom
16:52Who I was hoping would be joining me for this week's show
16:56But I'm very happy with the company I've got here
17:00And there's no mistaking what I'm tucking into
17:03Something you probably wouldn't associate with Tehran
17:07It's a Boots Egg and Crest sandwich
17:10That I bought at the airport
17:12Cracking stuff
17:16And here of course
17:19Is me birthday pint
17:22Yalla yalla lads
17:24Ethanol
17:41Caliberg mixed with ethanol
17:45Well
17:49Well now it's time
17:53Now it's time
17:54For a hymn
17:56And our
17:57Request this week
17:59Comes from Phil
18:00Phil and Meg McQueen
18:05Of Sulky Abbot and Bumsex
18:07And they've asked
18:09Who for
18:11All I want to do
18:13All I want to do
18:15All I want to do
18:17Who is praising
18:19All I want to do
18:29All I want to do
18:31All I want to do
18:36All I want to do
18:39All I want to do
18:41All I want to do
18:44Is
18:44What do I want to
18:48What do I want to do
18:51I want to
18:53Praise
18:54Him
18:56Who do I want to praise?
19:01My first day as a barrister.
19:16And I just don't know if I'm going to be any good at barristering.
19:21Perhaps I can help.
19:23Where did you come from?
19:24Were you hiding behind that pillar?
19:27No.
19:28Now, here's my advice.
19:31Take these.
19:34And drink them.
19:37But no buts.
19:39Just drink.
19:40How do you feel?
19:59Actually, I feel rather good.
20:02Thanks.
20:02Um, I said, thanks.
20:09It's all right.
20:15Yes!
20:16I got that guy off that vicious sex murder, even though he obviously did it.
20:20Have you been there the whole time?
20:27Um, yes.
20:29Why?
20:31Because I'm one of a group of very important people who've been watching you for quite a while.
20:36Well, we have great plans for you, which is why earlier I let you in on one of the world's greatest secrets.
20:43What secrets?
20:43That everything mankind does is much, much easier if you're ever so slightly drunk.
20:51That sensation you get between half and three quarters of the way down your second drink of the day,
20:57when you've just taken the edge off and feel that anything is possible.
21:00How did you feel after that wine I gave you?
21:05Like anything was possible.
21:08Exactly.
21:09Come with me.
21:14Welcome to our secret headquarters under the head offices of Oddbins.
21:18What is the point of the blindfold if you just tell everyone where we are?
21:22Sorry, forgot.
21:24But then again, I am slightly drunk.
21:26And I hope you soon will be.
21:28Who are you people?
21:29Well, we're a group bound by the creed that humanity is better and more noble after very nearly two drinks than at any other time.
21:37We've been around for centuries.
21:40No one knows quite how long.
21:42But then it's hard to be precise when you're constantly slightly pissed.
21:46Suffice to say that at all major historical events, we've been in the background, gently swaying from side to side.
21:54My God.
21:56You're the inebriati.
21:57I thought we were just a myth.
22:00Actually, we prefer the term knight's tipler.
22:04But aren't you supposed to be evil?
22:05You've been reading too much fiction, young man.
22:12We're a force for good.
22:13Sworn to maintain a level of just enough smashness to make everything feel lovely.
22:19How?
22:20Our methods are subtle.
22:22I myself have a claret drip.
22:23I have a can of special brew pumping slowly and constantly into my stomach.
22:29You may have noticed me snacking regularly on liqueur chocolates.
22:34Ooh.
22:36Jambiwi.
22:37And Malcolm over there is about to administer himself with one of his hourly Quantro enemas.
22:42Bottoms up.
22:44Are you sure you aren't evil?
22:49Well, we may have made one or two mistakes.
22:52It's basically our fault that if you press delete in Microsoft Word, it puts the entire document into eight-point Times New Roman, whether you want it to or not.
23:01But overall, we come out very much in credit.
23:04What do you want with me?
23:04Today's youth is all binge-drinking maniacs and tight-ass teetotalers, and that will inevitably lead to a whole new generation of Stalins and Hitlers.
23:14Hmm.
23:16Will it, though?
23:17Yes!
23:19Which is why we need fresh, young, lovely, slightly drunk people like you.
23:25After all, no gently drink-wobbly person could ever commit genocide.
23:30They'd be too busy buying crisps, or trying to remember the Oscar-winning films of the 70s, or just having a small nap.
23:39With our backing, you'll be President of the World in ten years.
23:44The only condition is that you must never, ever have any more than slightly less than two drinks.
23:50Never?
23:51Never.
23:52Beyond that state of mildly intoxicated perfection lies drunken madness, third pints, kebabs, and destruction.
24:02So, what do you say?
24:04Silent crime has dropped to zero since you added the equivalent of a glass and a half of rosé per person to the water supply.
24:22Who could possibly want to fight after a lovely bit of rosé?
24:25Indeed.
24:26And the way you averted that Third World War...
24:28All I had to do was get a couple of creme de mante down Ahmadinejad and Bin Laden, and they loosened right up.
24:34Your boozy bonhomie has served the world well, like a more effective Ken Clarke.
24:39We thank you.
24:40Well, no. Thank you. Cheers.
24:52No! You finished your second drink!
24:56Surely it can't do any harm.
24:58No!
25:04Whoops.
25:08You know, a man with access to nuclear weapons really should never get a bit fighty.
25:15You tit!
25:17Might as well get shit-faced now.
25:18You know, a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man with a man
25:48You
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