- 2 months ago
Tv, Allo Allo S5E03 - Criminal Developments
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00In case you are wondering what is happening, I will tell you.
00:26The British, not content with running away and leaving us flat at Dunkirk, have now sent the RAF to bombers.
00:32If only they knew that I have in my pocket a potato containing a camera, containing a picture of a safe, containing the plans for the German invasion of England, they would probably try not to hit me.
00:46Unfortunately, they do not know this. Perhaps I should try to signal them with my torch.
00:55Put out that lid or you will be shut on the spit.
00:59Mr Crabtree, can you not explain to your English friends that we are on their side?
01:04If I am killed, it will be the end of the resistance in this part of France. Well, certainly in this doorway.
01:11You should be grateful that the RAF bombers are still farting for freedom.
01:18Hello? Hello? Get me Colonel Van Strom immediately.
01:36Hello? Hello, General. Where are you?
01:49I am on my balcony with my binoculars, directing the anti-aircraft fire.
01:54Excellent. Are you safe, General?
01:57I am on the roof of the chateau, manning a machine gun.
02:01Be careful, General. We can't afford to lose you.
02:04I am very aware of this.
02:06Colonel, what are you doing hiding under the table?
02:13What's the general?
02:15What a mistake to make.
02:17Did I hear hiding under the table?
02:21No, you heard I'm fighting until I'm disabled.
02:24Say, Bert.
02:25I say, Carstairs, that plane in the searchlight needs a Wellington, isn't it?
02:39Yes. It's probably old Ginger Metcalfe.
02:42Ha-ha! Well done, Ginger! Dash on!
02:46Doesn't it make you want to be up there?
02:49No, not really.
02:51You have been here 24 hours and have replied to none of my questions.
03:03This is because I do not know the answers, Herr Flick.
03:06They all say that.
03:08I will try more extreme methods.
03:11Von Smallhausen, connect the electricity.
03:14Yes, Herr Flick.
03:16This fan revolves at exactly the speed of the alpha rhythms of the brain, causing a hypnotic effect.
03:28You will not be able to resist answering truthfully all my questions.
03:33Now, what is your real name?
03:41Bobby Cedric Von Smallhausen.
03:43Get out!
03:48I will repeat the question.
03:56What is your name, Helga?
03:58I think you should know, Herr Flick, that this device has no effect on me whatever.
04:05Japanese rubbish.
04:07I must warn you, Helga, things will go badly for you if you do not assist me by finding out every detail of the plot blow-up Hitler.
04:18Just tell me what to do, Herr Flick.
04:20You know I can't resist you when you fix me with your penetrating gaze from your pale blue eyes magnified to the size of poached eggs behind your palms.
04:30You must get close to the general.
04:34This I was about to do before you dragged me away.
04:37I was temporarily consumed with jealousy.
04:40But I have now controlled it.
04:42Except for a regular twitching in my left buttock.
04:46You may kiss me.
04:48Thank you, Herr Flick.
04:51It was a most exciting 24 hours.
05:00Monsieur Alphonse?
05:02Monsieur Alphonse?
05:03Where are you?
05:05I am here.
05:07You startled me.
05:09This is the entrance to my secret chamber where I conceal my fluids and developing equipment.
05:15After you.
05:21I love you.
05:22I love you.
05:23I love you.
05:25Monsieur Alphonse, there is no time for that.
05:28You have the film?
05:29It is here.
05:34You will find a picture of the safe which contains the German plan for the invasion of England.
05:39Allow me, madame.
05:41First, I put on the red light so I do not fog the film.
05:46Pardon?
05:47Fog the film.
05:48Pardon?
05:49I immerse it in the tank.
05:50How long will it take?
05:51Time enough, madame, for me to tell you of my consuming passion for you and of my earnest
06:06desire to possess your pliant body.
06:09Oh, Monsieur Alphonse, what can I say?
06:11I am struck down.
06:13I cannot move.
06:14Code shivers are creeping at my arm.
06:17You've got your hand in the fixing fluid.
06:22Let me wipe it for you.
06:25Such a tender hand.
06:28Oh, please marry me, madame Edith.
06:31I am a man of substance.
06:33I have my mortuary.
06:34I have a butcher's shop.
06:36I have the head lease of the barbells and 5,000 shares in Volkswagen.
06:41So, whichever way the war goes, you will be provided for.
06:46Oh, but I am promised to René.
06:49Madame, I know one Frenchman is not supposed to snitch on another Frenchman.
06:55But I must tell you, I caught Monsieur René in the arms of one of your serving girls.
07:01I do not believe it.
07:02It's true.
07:03It's true, madame.
07:04She was panting and rising with ecstasy.
07:09I will confront him with this.
07:11And then as I get a satisfactory explanation, I am yours.
07:15Oh, madame.
07:17The very prospect has brought up my dicky tickle.
07:25I think if I am to be yours, we should have a quick wedding and a short honeymoon.
07:32I have been with Herflick.
07:34I have news which concerns all three of us.
07:37Tell us, Hilda.
07:38Herflick suspects that you, Lieutenant Gruber and the General are plotting to blow up the Fuhrer when he comes to attend his birthday party at the Chateau.
07:54Utter nonsense.
07:55We are not involved in any such plot.
07:57Such a thing is completely against my nature.
08:00What about the General?
08:01One never knows about Generals.
08:03They all come from such good families that could be up to anything.
08:06I was under the impression that Hitler was unable to attend him.
08:11That could be a cover, Hubert.
08:13All his movements are secret.
08:15You must keep an eye on the General.
08:17Herflick has already instructed me to do this.
08:19Report everything to us.
08:36Oh, thank you, Monsieur Alphonse.
08:42That was a lovely ride.
08:44But now, you must come inside and we will confront René with the information about his infidelity which you have given me.
08:50Alas, Madame, I cannot.
08:52There is no one to hold my horse and I have a dicky tickle.
08:55And your husband is much bigger than I am.
08:57Please drive on then.
08:59Because if my mother sees you, it will upset her.
09:02It is.
09:03It is.
09:04Tell him to go away.
09:07What did I say?
09:09Go back to bed, Mama.
09:10He has not called for you.
09:13Scoundrel.
09:14Always, he is playing for tread.
09:23I am not yet ready to go.
09:28Madame.
09:31If you want me, you know where to find me.
09:34I give 24 hours service.
09:35I love you.
09:44René.
09:45I must talk to you.
09:46Did you develop the film?
09:47Before we talk about that, there is something I must know.
10:03Have you been kissing the servant girl behind my back, making a pant and rise in ecstasy?
10:08No.
10:11Oh, René, I knew I could trust you.
10:15Here is the picture.
10:16Good.
10:17We will show it to Monsieur Leclerc.
10:18Monsieur Leclerc.
10:20Monsieur Leclerc.
10:21Roy!
10:23What are you doing?
10:24I am tuning the piano to match with Madame Elie's voice.
10:31Madame.
10:34Try that.
10:36No, no, no, no!
10:39Yes, that is much better.
10:41Never mind about that.
10:42Come over here.
10:45Look at this.
10:47Oh, it is a safe.
10:52I knew it well.
10:54It is a Kaisenhof Rosenblum Schwarzerger.
10:58Sixteen lever, multi-counter, mark three.
11:03Can you open it?
11:05With a key?
11:06Yes.
11:08But you were the best-known safe-breaker in old France.
11:11Indeed, Madame.
11:12But that is because I was caught so often.
11:15Can you open it or not?
11:17Of course.
11:18But I shall need some plastic explosive.
11:20Plastic explosive?
11:21Plastic explosive?
11:22Yeah.
11:23It is a sort of putty substance that you press into the cracks.
11:27Now, I shall need four pounds of plastic explosive, five feet of fuse, detonator, matches, and a pound of milk chocolate.
11:40Why the chocolates?
11:42Because I have not tasted it for so long, Madame.
11:45Make sure that Michelle gives us the materials.
11:48Look, Edith, you deal with this.
11:49I have done my bit.
11:50I risked life and limb in the chateau, and a lot more in Gruber's bedroom.
11:55It is your turn.
11:56How long will it take you to do this job?
11:58This job?
12:00Five years.
12:03Five years?
12:04Well, four minutes to blow the safe, the rest in the neck.
12:08Uh, Colonel, do you have any damage to report from the raid last night?
12:20Nothing of any consequence, General.
12:23According to the Berlin radio, forty-three British planes were shot down.
12:27My, my. I didn't know the British had that many left.
12:30Churchill is a wily old fox.
12:33Uh, Colonel, a private word in your ear.
12:35I find your secretary very attractive.
12:44Helga, an excellent example of German womanhood.
12:49Sexy wizard.
12:51We'll do dinner at my quarters tomorrow night.
12:53That'll be an honor indeed, General.
12:55As soon as we start the soup course, you will complain of a serious stomachache and go home,
12:59leaving the field clear for me.
13:01Couldn't I wait until the pudding?
13:02Heil Hitler!
13:05Heil Hitler!
13:07Oh, and one more thing.
13:09Arrange some music.
13:10On the gramophone?
13:11No, real music.
13:13Romantic music.
13:15There must be some peasants who can play somewhere.
13:17Yes, General.
13:18Let it be done.
13:19Yes, General.
13:20Heil Hitler!
13:22Heil Hitler!
13:23It all seems wrong somehow.
13:28I'm nobody's sweetheart.
13:32Ahhhh!
13:34I think you must be deaf.
13:46I wish I was.
13:48When I marry her and take over the cafe, she will not sing again.
13:54Until then, magnifico! Magnifico!
13:57The Italian captain, he likes me.
14:01Am I singing as well as ever?
14:03You have never sung better.
14:07Renny, we need the explosives for tomorrow night and the resistance has not yet delivered them.
14:12Look at them.
14:13I am getting very worried.
14:15I am not a bit worried.
14:16I am staying out of it.
14:18Sir Colonel wants more wine.
14:25Here is your wine, Colonel.
14:27Did you enjoy your snails?
14:29One of them was empty.
14:30Well, he probably climbed out.
14:34I will go into the kitchen and see if he is hiding under the lettuce.
14:38Pate!
14:40Pate!
14:42Windows to mend!
14:44Oh, my God.
14:48Buy your putty from a poor, weary old putty seller.
14:52Come over here by the bar, weary old putty seller.
14:55Show me your wares.
14:56Windows to mend!
14:57Shut up!
15:01It is I, LeClaire.
15:04Why can you not use the back door?
15:07Because it says on the door, no tradesmen.
15:10I am not a putty seller.
15:13Really?
15:15This is the explosive to blow up the set.
15:18I will buy your putty.
15:21No, the window in my room is broken by RF bomber before they were all shot down.
15:27No, I am sorry.
15:28No, I am sorry.
15:29You cannot buy this putty.
15:30This is sample putty.
15:34Look at this terrible workmanship.
15:37You make a lot of mistakes.
15:39Will you be on your way, putty seller?
15:40Please.
15:41Renée!
15:42Michel wishes to speak with us in the back room.
15:44Oh, I can't.
15:45Here, go that way.
15:47Mimi, just you look after the bar.
15:53Listen very carefully.
15:54I shall say this only once.
15:56Well, say it quickly.
15:57I have a cafe full of customers.
15:58This is my plan for you to enter the room of Lieutenant Gruber to open the safe.
16:05Do not look at me.
16:06I am staying here.
16:08You are the only one who knows the position of the safe.
16:10I will draw you a map.
16:12We are all in this together.
16:14I am the one that Gruber fancies.
16:17He will not be there.
16:18We will drop a smoke canister down his chimney.
16:21This will cause him to vacate the room.
16:23You will smash the window and go in there with Monsieur Leclerc.
16:26Smith, his room is on the first floor.
16:30This is why I have stolen a fire engine and a ladder.
16:34You will be disguised as firemen.
16:37How are we supposed to see the safe through all that smoke?
16:40You will be wearing breathing masks.
16:49Good morning.
16:52I am sorry that I am lit, but I had to wick carefully down the street.
16:56Because I have five feet of fuse wound round my log.
17:02And detonators dingling down my truthers.
17:06Madame Edis, you know the chateau well.
17:09Oh, yes. I work there as a serving girl.
17:11René.
17:12You will climb onto the roof and drop this smoke canister down the third chimney, counting from the west.
17:17I will hold the ladder for René.
17:20You will come on the roof with me.
17:22You will drop this canister down the chimney when the church clock strikes the first stroke of twelve.
17:27On the sixth bone, you, René, will smash the window and leap into the room.
17:33Is this clear?
17:34Oh, we know who's to mend. Get your patty, patty.
17:41Shut up.
17:43My husband will make sure that he is there.
17:46I have to report that I am to take dinner with General von Klinkerhofen tonight.
17:50At the cafe?
17:51In his private quarters at the chateau.
17:53He has ordered the colonel to find peasants to provide the romantic music.
17:58I suspect he intends hanky-panky.
18:02Which I will, of course, resist.
18:05As long as I am able.
18:08You will take every opportunity to find evidence of the bomb plot.
18:12If necessary, by ferreting in the General's private drawers when his back is turned.
18:18That sounds a daunting prospect, Heflick.
18:20Well, I shall find a way of keeping you under observation.
18:25Yes, Heflick.
18:27And do not wear the perfume I gave you.
18:29No, Heflick.
18:30Just a little dab of disinfectant behind the ears.
18:39Quick! We have only seven minutes.
18:45René?
18:47Good luck.
18:48I will remain in the cafe.
18:49Madame Egypt and Yvette will be already on the roof.
18:51He's not supposed to start until the first stroke of midnight.
18:54Another insurance job, eh?
18:56Where are the chimneys?
18:57Oh, I'm afraid that I will sleep.
18:58Have you ever had an affair with my husband?
18:59Madame Idis?
19:00How could you do that?
19:01Oh, I'm afraid that I will sleep.
19:02Have you ever had an affair with my husband?
19:03Madame Idis?
19:04How could you think such a thing?
19:05Of course not.
19:06In that case, take my hand.
19:07Oh, I'm afraid.
19:08Oh, I'm afraid that I will sleep.
19:09Have you ever had an affair with my husband?
19:10Madame Idis?
19:11Madame Idis?
19:12How could you think such a thing?
19:13Of course not.
19:14In that case, take my hand.
19:15Should not the musicians be here by now, Colonel?
19:16I put out the word that you acquired some.
19:17Oh, I'm afraid that I will sleep.
19:18Oh, I'm afraid that I will sleep.
19:19Oh, I'm afraid that I will sleep.
19:20Oh, I'm afraid that I will sleep.
19:21Oh, I'm afraid that I will sleep.
19:22Oh, I'm afraid that I will sleep.
19:23Have you ever had an affair with my husband?
19:24Madame Idis?
19:25Yes.
19:26How could you think such a thing?
19:27Of course not.
19:28In that case, take my hand.
19:40Should not the musicians be here by now, Colonel?
19:42I put out the word that you acquired some.
19:45But you know how reluctant the French are to cooperate.
19:51Two musicians are here.
19:53Shall I tell them to wait?
19:54No, bring them up.
19:55A little surprise for you, my dear.
19:58It is indeed.
19:59I see you've nearly finished your soup.
20:03Oh, so I have.
20:05It was so tasty, I almost forgot.
20:16What is wrong?
20:17It's my answer.
20:19If you'll excuse me, I will go home at once.
20:26Of course, one must take care of such a thing.
20:28Here's your hat.
20:29Goodbye.
20:32Goodbye.
20:34How unfortunate, but at least it gives us a chance to get to know each other better.
20:39I feel most honoured to be dining alone with such a distinguished general.
20:43This is quite natural.
20:44What a romantic sound.
20:45I've endured the nights and opened the good champagne.
20:46Do you have any requests?
20:47You have gone too far.
20:48I do not know it.
20:49But hum it and we will follow.
20:50We have to put it down the third chimney.
20:51You have gone too far.
20:52I do not know it.
20:53But hum it and we will follow.
20:54We have to put it down the third chimney, counting from the west.
20:55Where is the west?
20:56I do not know it.
20:57I do not know it.
20:58But hum it and we will follow.
21:01We have to put it down the third chimney, counting from the west.
21:07Where is the west?
21:08I do not know it.
21:09I do not know it.
21:11I do not know it, but hum it and we will follow.
21:13We have to put it down the third chimney, counting from the west.
21:22Where is the west?
21:23The sun sets in the west.
21:24Or is it the east?
21:25There is no sun at midnight.
21:29Don't you confuse me?
21:31Eh?
21:32From this one there is coming music.
21:35He plays the piano. It must be this one. Quick, light the fuse.
21:54That was the first bong. You have five bongs to get up the ladder.
21:58Yes, stop now. At this age he needs all the bongs he can get.
22:05Hello, is that Café René?
22:09Yes.
22:10This is Lieutenant Gruber speaking. Is René there?
22:14I'm afraid he has popped out for some moment or two.
22:17Oh. Well, when he returns, tell him I would be delighted to see him for a little nightcap in my quarters at the Chateau.
22:25I will tell him.
22:28I wonder if he will accept my invitation.
22:35Really?
22:46How kind of you to drop in.
22:50There was no need for the disguise. The guards have permanent orders to let you in.
22:55And who is your little friend?
23:01It is I. Le Quint.
23:06Mick!
23:07The fire extinguisher sounds the alarm. My room is on fire. Send for the fire brigade.
23:11The fire brigade!
23:12Oh, I see you have already done so. Good.
23:14Good.
23:19Saved by the bell.
23:20The fire brigade!
23:21The fire brigade!
23:22The fire brigade!
23:23The fire brigade!
23:24The fire brigade!
23:25The fire brigade!
23:26The fire brigade!
23:27The fire brigade!
23:28The fire brigade!
23:29The fire brigade!
23:30The fire brigade!
23:31The fire brigade!
23:32The fire brigade!
23:33The fire brigade!
23:34The fire brigade!
23:35The fire brigade!
23:36The fire brigade!
23:37The fire brigade!
23:38The fire brigade!
23:39The fire brigade!
23:40The fire brigade!
23:41The fire brigade!
23:42The fire brigade!
23:43The fire brigade!
23:44The fire brigade!
23:45The fire brigade!
23:46The fire brigade!
23:47The fire brigade!
Comments