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00:00I'm a sucker for romance romantic comedies historical romance romanticy good old-fashioned
00:10smut I'm there but there's one rule of romance that has always rubbed me wrong the lovers have
00:17to end up together I'm happiest on my own I am very single I'm good right I just want to explore
00:25me a bit more in real life I've been noticing more and more black women challenge the status quo how
00:32would you describe the reality of dating there is fecal matter upon the pavement where do you find
00:38romance in your life oh I don't know the answer to that question okay as the numbers of unmarried
00:46black women rise they're increasingly rewriting their stories to focus not on what's missing
00:51but rather from what's possible and I've been a good girl and you know I needed to like sew my wild
00:57oats if I'm lucky I can never 30 or 40 years and I'm gonna live it disgracefully
01:07I'm dodging the podcast bros the armchair experts and Steve Harvey and instead heading to London
01:12LA Toronto and Accra to hear directly from single black women about what happens when the fairy tale
01:19doesn't fit because you could just have any old Tom Dick and Harry but they are there and they're
01:23ready they're the ones not today Hakeem no Hakeem I'm Amanda Paris and I'm finding out how black
01:30single women are defining their own happily ever after for the culture
01:35I'm starting my journey with a perfect solo date night at the theater in Toronto I'm here to see
01:52table for two a hilarious and emotional play about a single woman who is navigating family pressure and
01:58altering friendships all while floating amidst a sea of waste men I am a grown-ass woman on a serious
02:06mission to find a man fall in love get married have children and finally get my mother oh my back
02:16this is Akosia Amo Adam the playwright and star of table for two we met up in her dressing room where
02:25she told me that inspiration for the play came from questions she had about her own single life
02:30how would you describe the reality for black single women living in Toronto
02:36I'm gonna cry it blows my mind how many beautiful successful intelligent incredible truly black women
02:55that I know personally including myself who are single meeting somebody that we don't have to settle for
03:05yeah is challenging do you think that there is a stigma around being single yes I think there's
03:12a stigma if someone is single specifically a woman there must be something wrong with her or she's
03:16unlovable or you know and I think it's unfortunate because it leaves a lot of us feeling a little bit
03:24like we're less than at these experiences that you've had personally yeah yeah yeah I'm also a dark-skinned
03:31woman and I'm also a larger body so there's a lot of things when I go out with a group of my friends
03:37and every other girl is getting talked to and I'm the short dark-skinned large girl that's just like
03:44okay cool I'll hold your purse I'll hold your drink while you go out and you know yeah it's it's a daily
03:50journey no matter what the world or your mother says you deserve a good one the good ones don't talk to
03:57me Janelle look I am not getting any younger and I'm tired of being alone I'm 41 years old now I'm
04:06unmarried I don't have any children as an Asante woman that is disappointment to the highest level
04:14okay I was having a conversation with my mom and she's talking about grandchildren I was like mom you
04:19have grandchildren my older brother has children the court has been fulfilled yeah yeah they are her
04:24grandchildren and she was like yes but no and then she went on to explain to me that from the India
04:31Shanti tribe linear just passed down through the woman the only way for our people our family to
04:38continue is through you but you do not care about these things of course I care mom I would love nothing
04:47more than to have a family of my own right now but I don't it's one thing to be single in Canada and
04:54in like the Canadian context which is also a thing but then when you put on a specific cultural yeah
05:00expectation and demand it heightens the stakes across cultures countries and continents the message to
05:09single women is often the same get married already but beyond societal pressures I'm curious about the
05:15actual reality are black women more single than ever in the US about 31 percent of women overall have
05:23never been married for black women that number rises to 48 percent the same trend shows up in Canada
05:29nearly 39 percent of black women have never been married compared to just 19 percent of white women
05:35and across the Atlantic the UK census shows over half of white adults are married but only a quarter of
05:41black adults are whether you're in North America or across the pond the pattern remains the same black
05:47women are less likely to marry and more likely to divorce but the numbers don't tell the whole story
05:54and neither do the headlines op-eds or Tyler Perry movies that consistently stereotype and pathologize
06:00single black women so I'm checking in with single ladies around the world about what they're thinking and feeling
06:07respect yeah are you currently looking for a relationship I'm not like looking exactly okay I was in a
06:13relationship for 15 years and I don't think I want to go back into a relationship I wouldn't say I'm
06:19looking but then if one comes my way why not if it stumbles if I'm like at the grocery store I'm like oh
06:25you know like that then I'm open I'm open but not looking okay yeah some young people will be looking
06:33at me as a something like a sweet mama or sweet darling like a sugar mama yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm looking
06:42for a sweet sweet mama myself I'm off next to London to meet two besties and content creators
06:51meet Kim Oliver and Jumoke Abdullai they're both writers and speakers who co-created the digital
06:58platform The Triple Cripples a space to explore the stories of disabled black women fems and non-binary
07:05people somebody comes up to you and they're like I can't see anything wrong with you there's nothing
07:10wrong usually and then you have to go through this process of trying to prove that you are the same
07:15I was like come on let me tell you crazy since Jumoke is a self-professed professional baby girl
07:21and Kim is an admitted sex and dating aficionado I figure they're the perfect people to ask about
07:27what single life is like across the pond as somebody who does not live here how would you describe the
07:34reality of dating in London right now huh there okay there is fecal matter upon the pavement
07:42you have to watch your steps many unleashed dogs she said yeah no it's lawless out here
07:49do you feel that there's a stigma to being single I think people expect me to be single because I'm
07:55disabled I think they genuinely that they will always be surprised if I have a partner although
08:00I do know for a lot of disabled people there is an intense desire to be partnered when you have someone
08:07in your corner people don't treat you the same way I know the difference between when I go around by
08:12myself and when I go around and there's someone that people think is my partner people treat you so
08:17differently they take your needs so much more seriously like a social currency to it there is
08:22social I noticed early on any potential romantic pursuits that there was an expectation that I would just
08:33have lower standards because of course you have lower standards and that was just foreign to me
08:39thankfully I grew up being affirmed really quite a lot growing up I was used to being catered to I was
08:46used to being pampered some people might not like that but that's people that are trying to get you on
08:50sale like I'm priceless and I want other people to recognize but general care's experience is quite
08:57unique yes this is true even as a you mean the experience of being doted upon as a little black
09:03girl and I meet a lot of black women and black girls who have never had that kind of thing poured
09:08into them the way the world treats you as a black young girl a black woman isn't kind you're from your
09:15features to your attitude to the everything about you for the most part is either rejected pathologized
09:23or fetishized you see it in the way in which we become as we're older and the things that we think
09:30that we have to endure this is centuries long learning a long like campaign right men are the prize you are
09:39supposed to do everything supposed to make yourself taller shorter fatter slimmer prettier quieter less
09:45right in order to be able to get this person achieve this person they don't why they don't why if
09:56you've never stumbled onto the dark corners of the internet where numerous men have confessed they don't
10:02and have never wiped I'm so sorry you had to find out this way but Kim's comments on the social currency
10:09of being coupled have me thinking I realize there are social benefits to being married but do these
10:15translate into material benefits and does this mean there's an actual cost to being single
10:20in the United States marriage is attached to a significant number of economic and social
10:26benefits in fact there's over 1100 distinct laws and policies that enfranchise married adults
10:31um that's that mean so specifically access to things like tax breaks being able to join a spouse's
10:38insurance policy the vast majority of black women in the United States and black adults specifically
10:44are unmarried so that's the majority of black people that can't access over 1100 distinct federal
10:51policies and federal benefits that their married peers can that is so many so much so we've been
10:57talking a lot about marriage in terms of its social function its economics what is the data say about
11:02the correlation between happiness and marriage and if there is any divorced women are the happiest women
11:07in aggregate divorced women are the happiest okay well okay now I've got to meet these divorcees who've
11:15apparently found the secret to happiness I've been married twice and it was okay I suppose but I could
11:22never be my true self and then people argue well you know our grandparents they were together for 50 60
11:28years no my name was with my granddaughter for 50 60 years miserably it's just miserable because you can't get
11:34out meet Jack's a woman based in London who didn't just survive divorce she used it as a springboard to
11:43discover new ways to love connect and build community and by all appearances she is truly living her best life
11:51I'm curious about how you would describe your relationship or love style I mean I've always been a bit
11:59saucy but you know I love it yeah if we're talking labels I would describe myself as a solo polyamorous
12:09woman relationship anarchist it's quite a mouthful it's not that complicated in real life let's break it
12:19down let's break down it yeah what you mean by that so polyamorous I've got the ability and I love and I
12:26love more than one anarchy it's about I'm not conforming to the monogamous way of doing things
12:35so I can have relationships are platonic sexual romantic queer they're not less or more important
12:44than anyone else there's no one that's special there's no higher yeah we don't do that and you
12:50know that's just how I've always related I always enjoyed and loved more than one but I hid it
12:57because it was weird and we're not supposed to do that how do you have the energy for like multiple
13:03people well the thing is I'm not polyamorous for the sake of being in relationships with loads of
13:09people I've just got the capacity to love many people so I will I can have times where I'm not in a
13:15romantic relationship also being solo polyamorous it's about centering me I'm my own primary partner
13:24so other relationships don't determine who I am I'm the center yes yeah I know it sounds a bit
13:29egotistical but no not at all it actually sounds very healthy to say I am the center no matter if
13:35I'm in relationship like this is still the center this does not shift yeah these other things are
13:39happening and also freedom for myself but freedom for others and not choking them and not having that
13:46expectations and people not having expectations of me and it's been very free time and space to do
13:55what you want when you want is not a motivator often reflected in the romance books I read but
14:00it sounds incredibly appealing it makes me wonder if we redirect the time and energy that goes into
14:07partnership and marriage into ourselves what would we discover I'm heading to Accra to meet a
14:13feminist writer who is helping African women do exactly that this is Nana Darkoa Setyama a woman who has made
14:30sure that pleasure and self-care is always a priority in her life and she's helping me figure out how to
14:37make it to make it a priority in mine too Lord knows I need the help this is a great suggestion thank you so
14:45much for making it can you paint a picture of what life is like here in Ghana for a single woman oh gosh
14:53well a single woman of what age right because first of all there's a lot of pressure to get married right and
14:59there are a lot of women who are unhappily married but they will never get divorced because of the stigma
15:03that comes with being divorced and being single especially if you're like single into your 30s single
15:08into your 40s you're viewed with suspicion you're viewed as somebody who is stealing other people's
15:14husbands oh like that kind of suspicion oh yeah that kind of suspicion a man stealer somehow it's never
15:19the man you know it's not which is true all over the world yeah yeah yeah I feel like there should
15:25be many ways of being married right people should be able to create the marriage of their desires but
15:30unfortunately society tends to force a particular structure of marriage which tends to have the
15:36woman in a subordinate position to the man and that was your experience no I think I just got married
15:41too early and I've been a good girl and you know I needed to like sew my wild oats yeah and I think sometimes
15:48that's a problem where you know growing up in very rigid societies you never really know what you
15:53want until you've kind of signed a contract to somebody I don't feel like there are many models
15:58that exist out there for how I want to live in the world as an African woman yes and that's also the
16:03beauty of it because I feel like I'm created it as I go along it's fascinating to hear about women
16:10creating new models for living centering themselves and being present in the moment but this conversation
16:16leaves me wondering where do the men fit in all of this so what movie did you want to watch hmm because
16:27I can download anything it was at this point that I realized we were not going to the movies okay Black
16:38Panther is loading Wakanda our mothers and our grandparents generation had to right settle had
16:50to get married because they didn't have the laws and the rights that we do today right you needed a
16:56man to open a bank account you needed a man to drive you need a man to do everything right so you saw the
17:02men through the lens of survival now that women are at a point where we can do anything we want that
17:09changes our ability to be able to knowingly settle I have my own everything so the thing I need from
17:18you is not material it's not I mean don't get me wrong you can buy all means I would gladly change
17:25however I think what we need from men is emotional maturity right right somebody who can understand
17:35the hardships of what I'm going through in life and be able to actually empathize with me and support
17:41me in that way I think sometimes men can be a bit confused as to what they need to be what is expected of
17:52them and so they just then go okay well nothing is expected of me then right and that's part of the
17:58problem of patriarchy right and people not knowing where they fit and therefore looking for what might
18:04be the version of masculinity or that I'm supposed to be displayed okay these are definitely some very
18:11strong opinions about men but I want to know what the data is saying because if black women are more
18:17single than ever before does that mean the same goes for black men in terms of the percentage of
18:23single black men like where are they and how many of them are there I'm just curious about the numbers
18:28US marital status data is updated annually through the American Community Survey and so from that data we
18:34see that approximately 63 percent of black men from the United States are unmarried whereas for black
18:39women it's around 67.9 percent okay so just a heads up stats around single folks are generally very
18:46heterosexist but we'll work with what we've got so right now the stats are confirming the perception that there are
18:51more single black women than black men but those numbers change when you take out widowhood 8% of
18:59black women are widows compared to only 2.4 percent of black men so when we remove the widowhood you can
19:05see that there are more unmarried black men than black women so when we think about the numbers it's not
19:12really meaningfully different it's the narratives and then the stories and the ideas that we're attaching to
19:18those numbers that become meaningful what is the part of the narrative that doesn't get talked
19:23about what is the thing that no one is discussing because black women's experiences have been so
19:28central and specifically the imperative to marry a good black man have some great black children drive
19:36two beamers right like there's a very prescribed vision of what black women's married lives look like
19:43right we're the husbands hmm why aren't we talking to black men about this question right well I guess
19:50my next step is clear then I want to know more about how black men are experiencing singlehood but since
19:55I couldn't find the data I was looking for the op-eds are sparse and I refuse to define an entire
20:01demographic through the opinions of podcast bros I've decided to invite a group of black single men
20:06out on a quintessential Toronto date night a paint and sip so I'd love to introduce you guys to
20:13Reynolds who is going to be teaching and guiding us through we're using different colors we're using
20:18very simple stencil and never use our creative minds right awesome I'm curious about how stereotypes
20:31around black masculinity might filter into your dating your relationships like you go into these
20:42situations where people are always like looking at you weird for having emotions it's kind of like
20:49reinforces this idea of like keeping everything inside and not talking about it and there have
20:54been situations in my past where I've like not in a good space and she'll be like oh like talk to me
20:59and they're giving me that space to talk but I've told myself now based on previous situations I
21:04shouldn't and then it kills the relationship because the situation I was just thinking about an
21:09experience when I was very vulnerable with um well a lady and I mean one time she said you're acting
21:15like a bitch right and I don't think I've ever opened up completely with a woman after that right
21:21because I keep thinking about that time where she oh man I opened up to you and you call me a
21:27bitch right so that's where I'm at with that yeah I got a rule especially after my divorce if I'm
21:35gonna date out of my culture you better have an understanding of my culture yeah like you don't
21:41want to do that work yeah I think there's such a responsibility especially dating outside of your culture to
21:49fit into some type of stereotype if you want to be accepted at least in my mind I feel like I have to
21:56portray this character right and I have to follow the stereotypes because if I don't then they're
22:00like what are you are you a skater black guy are you a hood rat black guy oh you're an academic black
22:04guy right you can't just be a black guy I'm happy you said that because I struggled with that in my life
22:09too growing up queer like a Caribbean family and then you find yourself fighting it so long and so hard
22:15to try and just to fit in and maneuver peacefully within like these guidelines that after a while it just
22:22becomes who you are as a person suppressing all the feelings suppressing the femininity is suppressing
22:28like the the parts of you who are you naturally this conversation makes me consider how important
22:36the stories we tell about ourselves and to ourselves can be when we release ourselves from the tropes that
22:42society and even romance novels create for us what becomes possible this is a question Nana Darkoa tackled
22:51head-on with her critically acclaimed book the sex lives of African women and through the digital spaces
22:57she curates myself and my friend Malaika started a blog called adventures from the bedrooms of African
23:06women and we started to share our own intimate experiences on the blog see I had sex tonight it
23:12would be up on the blog tomorrow morning you were letting everybody know but for me it was my way of
23:19thinking processing figuring out what I liked because I think for so long especially as a teenager
23:26growing up in Ghana you know I had been told good girls do not have sex and they don't talk about
23:31it and they don't talk about it right and I feel like I was a good girl until I wasn't right and then
23:38I figured out that the thing you're told not to talk about is absolutely the thing you have to talk about
23:42right can you tell me about some of the most surprising things that began to emerge out of all of these
23:47stories that you were hearing from folks I think for me it was that like African women are way more
23:52freaky like seriously yeah right yeah yeah because I think mainstream media never portrayed African
24:00women as owning their sexuality you know as having agency about their lives and for me that was the
24:06big reveal because I feel like it's not a part of the conversation that women have very often like
24:13centering pleasure for themselves like pleasure is often spoken about in the context of like with
24:18another person or for another person I feel like most of the time as women we just have so many
24:23responsibilities right especially if I'm to look at the context of a Ghanaian girl or woman right
24:30pleasure taking time for yourself it's not something that's not ever to you yeah their whole life is in
24:36service of other people right always in duty exactly but what happens if you're to pause and to also
24:42think well I matter mm-hmm and I need to make some time for myself mm-hmm and I need to actually start
24:49with that Nana's reminded me of Jack's whose journey of centering herself led her to discover an
24:55appreciation for kink but when she realized that folks in the scene who looked like her didn't have a
25:01space to connect she decided to help create it we started a brand called serotonin okay and
25:08serotonin is bringing black and brown people who are curious around kink we started to do small parties
25:17my personal kink experiences have been really interesting really sensory and my favorite is um
25:27candle wax play mm-hmm which is very warming it's really beautiful and colorful and we got being
25:37tied up it's really lovely seeing people of color in groups that are learning how to do that because for
25:44me it's like reclaiming the rope hmm so many of these things that you're talking about are tied to a
25:49history of trauma for us absolutely and there's a lot of trauma therapy going on in these spaces about
25:57reclaiming that even being hit and whipped and yes it's reclaiming that it's attempting to give it a
26:04meaning yeah because you you know as a sub and being in and receiving all that it's on my terms
26:13hmm so it's just not about getting your bits tickled if you've been distracted by the half-naked
26:21mannequins in the background while Jax and I talk I can explain we're at the home of her friend Cass by
26:28day Cass works on product development and innovation for the biggest tech firms in the world but by night
26:33she creates bespoke 3d printed kink wear props costumes and wearable art and now Jax is having her final
26:41fitting for a new outfit she'll be debuting at a kink party later tonight so you've made a custom
26:47design for Jax for a party for tonight yes can you tell me about it yes so I think starting with
26:53Jax's personality Gardner green goddess energy and so what we've done is I've created a vine look and so
27:01I've wrapped the goddess in vines a few leaves to kind of accent a 3d printed corset belt and then of
27:09course we have a necklace that actually has the leaves kind of dotted around okay well I cannot
27:15wait to see it let's see it oh my god this is so great and it feels really comfortable okay really
27:29comfortable ready to dance yeah and dance tonight I'm really excited yeah and you can use this in
27:37the vanilla world as well so green goddess can come out in vanilla world the vanilla world
27:41there's two parts of life there's kink and there's vanilla do you remember your first kink party yeah
27:51tell me about it what was it like walking into that room for the first time well I wasn't used to being
27:58naked in front of lots of people so the week before I went to a art club okay where they would oh oh yes
28:07and you had to be naked this was like your prep that's my prep right so going to the kink party
28:12was fun I have never actually felt that energy of all she's too big in that or she's too old or too
28:19you know it's there's a real sense of body acceptance I feel like I'm having a second
28:26life I'm just excited so you know in terms of being a single woman I'm reframing it if I'm
28:31lucky I'll get never 30 or 40 years and I'm gonna live it disgracefully if you can't tell I'm kind
28:41of obsessed with Jax's entire mo but she's also got me reflecting on this bold imagining of her solo
28:47future I'm wondering how others are feeling about the possibility of their singleness not being a
28:53temporary status I'm curious about if you're considering what life might look like in the
28:58long term if you remain single bliss I ain't got an answer to nobody okay I love that I go home
29:08and my remote is where I left it and um yes I think I've got to the point in my journey where I don't
29:16think my life needs someone and a lot of people settle for relationships because they need that
29:26physical right satisfaction yeah and I don't need that like it if you're coming into my life you have
29:33to be elevating it otherwise I'm good by myself yeah yeah I don't know cuz I've seen I had a client a
29:39married couple a wife passed away and he just seemed so crushed like trying to do things alone trying to
29:46figure out life alone without her listening to him trying to figure out how to do things on his own you
29:53know go shopping alone go on vacation alone when I saw that that was that was an aha moment like oh
29:58wow like this this could get really really lonely and depressing so I'm not sure about being alone like
30:05I like myself I like my own company I know I love I love my reading my fantasy books one downside is that
30:11you end up missing companionship right and you get skin hungry because you know there's a thing that
30:16happens suddenly you just want to have somebody skin hungry skin hungry I guess you mean like
30:21intimate physical touch yeah I'm skin lactose tolerant yeah I'm good without it
30:30I love that so many of the folks I'm talking to are living their best single life with room to breathe
30:35to sow wild oats and find your remote where you left it but Damien has a point growing old alone is
30:42a reality few of us discuss or prepare for I want to know how are black folks navigating their single
30:49lives in their golden years I'm in LA a city not known for its love of aging I'm meeting Carleen Davis a
31:04woman who has been thinking deeply about what solo life will look like in her senior years sitting in
31:09her home surrounded by pictures of her loved ones Carleen tells me that this journey began when her
31:15parents journey ended when I was in my 20s and 30s I became their care partner because both of them were
31:24navigating health challenges after they passed away I started thinking well wow I don't have children I
31:35don't have a husband so I was gonna have to be a little bit more intentional and thinking about what
31:41my aging journey would look like right and then that's how sisters aging with grace and elegance was
31:48born our tagline is that we like to build a dynamic and connected network of black women in their
31:55fabulous 40s phenomenal 50s sensual 60s sensational 70s elegant 80s naughty 90s and beyond oh my god
32:07who are thriving at every stage of the aging journey every single one of those names for each decade it's
32:12unapologetically by and for black women because there are real reasons as black women that we need
32:21to focus on the issues that impact us in aging are you someone who looks for romance and is that a thing
32:30that you desire to have in your life and if it is where do you find romance in your life oh I don't know
32:34the answer to that question okay I'm thinking about like how am I gonna retire on a non-profit income
32:43these are things that are far more present and pressing on my mind it's expensive to age in America
32:54right thinking about you know what is what is your living arrangement gonna be 10 years from now 15 years
33:01from now you know kind of 20 years from now how do you imagine that being do you think that you would
33:08be living in a facility right and if so do you have six thousand seven thousand eight thousand dollars
33:17a month right to cover the cost of that and so that's why we have these conversations so let's think
33:25about it so that you can plan and prepare for that journey well Carlene definitely just splashed some
33:33water on my romance loving flames but she's right the cost of living in cities like LA London and Toronto
33:40is sky high and life is economically easier when you have someone to help foot the bill I don't know how
33:48people manage to be single and have their own space most people who are living in London are not
33:53living yeah they're getting by living wage isn't really rising with inflation and hasn't done for
33:59years from housing to health care and even groceries the cost of being single adds up let's say Canada
34:08for example a single person renting a one-bedroom pays on average over twenty three thousand dollars a
34:14year meanwhile a couple splitting a two-bedroom each pay about fourteen thousand dollars a year all expenses in
34:21if you're a single person living in Canada your cost of living is nearly seven thousand dollars
34:26more than those who are partnered discounts and deals they almost always require you to be part of
34:31a couple or family take vacations most packages are priced for two if you book a loan you often get hit with
34:39an extra fee that can range from ten percent to the full cost of a room just because you're on your
34:45own and even if you have someone to split the cost not all pairs are created equal health insurance
34:51will cover a spouse or a child but not a roommate or a living parent we've been talking about the
34:59practical but I'm also thinking about the things that are harder to measure companionship intimacy and
35:05connection are literal human needs hi great to see you a few months after her play closes I meet up with a
35:13Kosia to find out if loneliness is a part of her experience there are times when it's just like it feels
35:21like a weighted blanket the loneliness and you just want relief you want you and it's not about sex it's not about
35:29the intercourse it's about having that energy exchanged to feel the heat or the warmth of another body
35:36mm-hmm it's something that we are I I think most people desire yeah right loneliness is an epidemic
35:45right having moved from Zimbabwe to here loneliness is just so common people don't know their neighbors
35:51don't have community so loneliness will happen and in partnership for sure if you've all you've known as
35:56your primary community is your partner in this will happen so I think cultivating community or having
36:04people that you can be with you may not need somebody but you got some people loneliness is
36:09a feature of adulthood right the idea of this kind of marking single status as a lonely institution goes
36:16back to misunderstandings about single status nobody promised you you would love your life single or
36:21married I know that that doesn't help anybody who is facing romantic loneliness to hear that it's normal quite
36:28literally but again you're not being punished with loneliness because you're single you're experiencing
36:34loneliness because you haven't curated a life that satisfies that need I think about something even like
36:42church going and during the pandemic church went virtual yes oh it changed the whole dynamic it could change the
36:50whole dynamic right so yes they're still watching on Sunday but it's not the same connection yeah you seem a
37:01little more down than you were last week there's not as many avenues and opportunities for people to check
37:07in on you and to make sure that you are good absolutely and that's why it's so important to build community
37:13I want to see some of this community that Carleen has built so I'm joining her and a busload of seniors on a special trip
37:22loneliness is no joke especially when you reach your golden years it's difficult enough to be a senior citizen
37:31the political climate is changing it's more of a hostile atmosphere it's not a friendly place for senior citizens
37:40right now it can be sort of frightening territory yeah we're going to take a picture right here
37:48Carleen's tireless advocacy for black seniors through SAGE has brought us to the Kenneth Hahn Hall in LA for a
37:55special announcement Madam Chair thank you very much and thank you for uh accommodating the members of the
38:02public who came on a bus leading into the month of May we hosted a racial justice learning exchange event
38:08where we were reminded that aging looks different among various racial groups so colleagues I hope
38:14that you will join me in declaring the third Saturday in May as black elders appreciation day and use it as
38:22an opportunity to educate and elevate these issues of disparity that continue to impact the African
38:29American population apparently even as we age alongside the community that Carleen has built through SAGE
38:37she's also created an alternative living situation by having a single male friend as her roommate
38:43tell me about what it's like being roommates what do you enjoy about having Carleen as a roommate
38:54being her roommate means having balance in my life and you know just my orientation towards making sure
39:03she's okay or it's her to make sure I'm okay I'll ask you the same question what do you enjoy about
39:09having Albert as a roommate he washes the dishes I do want to mention that when I was a caregiver and
39:25caring for my parents Albert was someone who was really there for me you know particularly with my
39:32mother that you know if I couldn't get to her for something you know I could call Albert and he would
39:39help me out there's a genuine support there and you know we laugh and then I cut my hair first
39:48I love the dynamic between you and Carleen it seems like this wonderful balance but I wonder if in the
39:58outside world if there are ever any raised eyebrows about this dynamic because it is a little bit
40:02unconventional I would say it's highly unconventional and a lot of folks can't handle that once upon a time
40:09you know you all dated you know even if it doesn't matter how many years years yeah years has been they
40:17it's still the possibility you know you guys are you know this close you it could it can happen you know
40:22right right I guess it could happen for them but you know we're good yeah yeah I love seeing black
40:27single folks of all ages build the life they want in ways that challenge the status quo but I also know
40:34that none of the folks I'm talking to are living loving and dating in a bubble in many
40:39places around the world there is a rising growth in conservatism and I wonder what impact this is
40:45having on black single folks I've spent most of my journey immersed in the incredible agency and
40:58power of some remarkable single black folks but I want to take a step back for a moment and consider
41:04the world they live in I wonder what kinds of limits this political climate places on single black
41:11people in Ghana a bill called the promotion of proper human sexual rights and Ghanaian family values
41:20is considered one of the harshest anti LGBTQ plus legislations in the world it criminalizes LGBTQ plus
41:28identity identity and advocacy that bill says for example you can't rent a home to somebody who's
41:34queer if you have a family member who's queer you need to report them what so it's like everybody
41:39actually if you're a journalist you can't you can't have this conversation with me where we're
41:43speaking about queer rights you'd be reported and arrested I would be too do you see young people
41:47questioning it at all that's the thing that in a sense the conservative rights have I don't
41:53want to say done well but done effectively right it's like mobilize young people exactly and really
41:59just create all sorts of institutions that indoctrinate them pre-colonial Africa was way more
42:06progressive than it is today tell me more yeah even just in terms of relationship structures so for
42:12instance in so many communities woman to woman marriage was just regular really yes wow there
42:20were lots of women who could marry another woman right there are still some communities where woman
42:25to woman marriage is practiced traditionally I really like the concept of sankofa which means to
42:30look back at your past and take what is good for the past and bring it into the present moment we
42:36don't want to take everything back from the past right you want to pick what works for you from the
42:40past for me what was really interesting about pre-colonial African structures ways of being was the
42:46fluidity and understanding of gender that's colonization and predominantly Christianity changed
42:54how has the current political climate impacted the work that you do what we gonna see aren't we
43:07this could be a very dangerous environment to promote and advocate the policies and the practices that
43:15are needed for the dignity care well-being and belonging of black elders but they don't try to take us down
43:21anyway so why not go down knowing what you deserve yes
43:27it's clear that in real life and particularly for black single folks happily ever after generally
43:38looks nothing like the romance books I love what does happily ever after look like for you I feel like I
43:45never had a real definition for love it's always kind of like a feeling and that fulfillment will come
43:51from like me in community and like me not being afraid and not hiding you know what I mean and
43:57just being able to find somewhere where I can be my authentic self I don't think it necessarily means
44:02being in a relationship I think it's just being in the right place where people all have the same goal
44:08which is happiness it's not often that I find space where I can share my lived experience as a black queer
44:19man in spaces with other black men who aren't queer you know and realizing that the lived experience is very similar
44:28yeah
44:29three two one
44:33what does happily ever after look like for you I'm here for the journey mm-hmm and every day every
44:54week every month is different and that's what I want I think happily ever after looks like a life of
45:02adventure mm-hmm a life where I am committed to always being myself yeah being true to myself
45:09being true to my politics building intentional community being in community you know absolutely
45:16hands down we need each other to survive we're doing a disservice to ourselves by just seeking to
45:26have the romantic as the be-all and end-all you know like when you're with your friends you have
45:30like a proper belly laugh like you can't breathe your stomach is hurting tears dripping down your face
45:35how do you feel alive I love you I understand how challenging it can be when you are existing in a
45:44world where you desire companionship where it seems like everybody else around you has figured out a way
45:51to do it but there is somebody out here who is still in it but is moving through it with grace for
45:59yourself and choosing to embrace all the benefits all the blessings all the positive things that come
46:06with being single because there's a lot it's all about being in the now so I don't have to happily ever
46:13after because I'm happy
46:43you
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