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Tv. Mind Your Language - S01 - E12 - How's Your Father
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00:00The End
00:30Doo-doo-doo-doo-wa, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-wa, doo-doo-doo-doo-wa, doo-doo-doo-doo-wa, doo-doo-doo-doo-wa.
00:33Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha.
00:43What do you think you're all playing at?
00:50Squeeze, please. We are not playing. We are arguing.
00:54You see, I'm five minutes late and you're all getting at each other's throats already.
00:57He's inciting my prophet.
00:59and he's insulting my guru.
01:01Well, sit down. Come on, all of you.
01:03Sully, Tara, sit down.
01:06Danielle, I'm surprised at you.
01:07What were you and Max arguing about?
01:09Nothing, honest. I just asked her to come for a Greek meal
01:12and I thought we could have a little bit of this and a little bit of that.
01:15It's a little bit of the other that I don't like.
01:20Giovanni, what were you and Juan quarrelling over?
01:22He's a microphone of Santa Maria.
01:24Santa Maria, the Virgin Mary?
01:26No, Luigi Santa Maria, the Italian footballer.
01:30Italian footballers, animals.
01:32You shut your mouth, you big Spanish onion.
01:36If you all spent half as much energy on learning English
01:40as you do on arguing with each other, you'd be word-perfect by now.
01:43As it is, you still have a lot to learn.
01:45Just over a week, you take your examinations
01:47and I don't think you're quite ready at all.
01:49Squeeze, please. You are committing a mistake.
01:52No, I'm not. You may have mastered a few verbs,
01:54but you speak English atrociously.
01:56All we need is a little electrocution.
01:59Elocution.
02:01Hockey.
02:02You're quite right, Max.
02:03What you all need is to practice your English conversation.
02:06Now, part of your exam will consist of how well you speak English,
02:09as well as know it.
02:10So, before we break for tea, I'm going to go around the class
02:12and I want each of you to speak for one minute in turn
02:15on whatever subject I give you.
02:16All right?
02:18We'll start with you, Danielle.
02:19Your subject is the seaside.
02:22The seaside?
02:23I like to go to the beach, take all my clothes off and lie in the sun.
02:31Tell me which beach I come and watch.
02:34Don't interrupt, Giovanni.
02:35Sit down.
02:36Go on, Danielle.
02:37One weekend, I went to the Isle of the Men.
02:40The Isle of Man?
02:41Yes, but I was very disappointed they were not all men.
02:45Yes, well, thank you, Danielle.
02:46That'll do.
02:47Well done.
02:48Ali.
02:48Yes, please.
02:49Television.
02:51Jelly good.
02:51I am liking very much the English television.
02:57Every night, I'm watching the crosswords.
03:01Crossroads?
03:02Yes, please.
03:04I'm also liking all the advertisements.
03:07And I am learning lots of useful English things,
03:11like graded grains making finer flour.
03:17And little perforations.
03:20Yes, very useful.
03:21Only one thing I'm not liking.
03:23What's that?
03:23Paying the money for the license.
03:26Don't you worry, Ali.
03:28Well done.
03:28Jelly good.
03:29Su Li, your subject, philosophy.
03:32Very good.
03:34In Democratic Republic of China,
03:35philosophies for the pluritale
03:37where all property invested in community,
03:39each member working according to its capacity
03:40and receiving according to its wants,
03:42as opposed to Western philosophy
03:43where pluritale are exploited
03:45by collabed capitaries and imperialistic war mongers
03:47who seek only to plant good encounters
03:50and clear craft hitler.
03:51Chairman Mao, he says...
03:52Well, that is not true.
03:54True.
03:54That's right.
03:57Jamila, a minute, please, on art.
04:03Art?
04:04Painting.
04:05Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
04:06Painting.
04:07I like very much painting.
04:09Last Wednesday, I am did painting.
04:12But you painted a picture?
04:14No, no picture.
04:15I'm painting kitchen door.
04:18I don't mean that sort of painting.
04:20I mean works by the great masters
04:22like Leonardo da Vinci, Turner, Matisse, Van Gogh.
04:25Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha.
04:26Now, last week ending,
04:28I am going to tatty gallery.
04:31Tate.
04:33Tate.
04:34And I am not like what I see.
04:38Paintings of ladies barefoot up to here.
04:45Showing their bosoms and all that.
04:48And also paintings of undressed gentlemen
04:51showing all the...
04:52Yeah, I don't think we're going to the detail.
04:54It's all right.
04:56Anna, can you speak for a minute on life after death?
04:59Yeah.
05:00I do not believe in life after death.
05:04When you are dead, that is the end.
05:06That's not true.
05:08When you die, you go to heaven.
05:10Well, as the Catholics go to heaven.
05:14What about everybody else?
05:16Everybody else go to hell.
05:18If heaven is full of Catholics like you,
05:21I would prefer to go to hell.
05:24Yeah, I don't think we'll pursue that subject for any more,
05:26if you don't mind.
05:27Thank you, Anna.
05:28Max, a minute, please, on British birds.
05:34I like British birds, especially blondes.
05:37Quiet, that is not very funny, Max.
05:42Sorry.
05:43Every day, in the garden of my lodging house,
05:46I have many birds.
05:48Blacky birds, cocky sparrows,
05:50and sometimes a blue breast.
05:55Tit.
05:56A blue tit.
05:58Okay.
05:59Yesterday, I see a red robin tit.
06:02Well, that's a robin red breast.
06:07Okay, yes.
06:08The British birds, much confusing.
06:09Yeah, well, never mind.
06:11Well done.
06:12Now, Giovanni, what should we give you to speak about?
06:15Girls.
06:16I don't think so, Giovanni.
06:18Have you any hobbies?
06:19Sure.
06:19My favourite hobby is girls.
06:23Haven't you any other hobbies?
06:25Sure, but not as good.
06:27I know it's difficult for you, Giovanni,
06:29but try and speak for one minute
06:30without bringing girls into your conversation.
06:32Okay.
06:33I've got two other hobbies.
06:35The first hobby is making the wine.
06:38What's the second hobby?
06:39Drinking it.
06:42After I drink it, I do my third hobby.
06:45But you don't let me talk about that.
06:47Hey, my friend Vincenzo, his hobby is pinching.
06:51Oh, you mean he's a thief?
06:52No, not a thief.
06:53But he said his hobby was pinching.
06:55What does he pinch?
06:56You don't let me talk about that, eh?
06:59So, thank you, Giovanni.
07:01That'll do.
07:02Ranjit, what can you tell us about evolution?
07:06Nothing at all.
07:08Why not?
07:10I am not knowing what it means.
07:12Well, it means the origin of the species,
07:14where we all came from.
07:15Ah, now I am understanding.
07:18Good.
07:19I came from Punjab.
07:21You came from Italy.
07:23She came from France.
07:24No, no, no, no.
07:25You're taking me too literally.
07:26I mean, I want you to speak about how life itself began.
07:29Thousand apologies.
07:31Life begins when man and lady make love.
07:35Yes, but before that, what happened?
07:40They put the light out?
07:45No, no, no.
07:46Darwin's theory of evolution, Ranjit,
07:48is that life was not created,
07:50but evolved from a pre-existing form.
07:52The first forms of life were in the sea,
07:54and then came creatures who got out of the sea
07:56and crawled on their legs,
07:58then became four-legged mammals,
07:59then came creatures who learned to stand on two legs,
08:02and then came the great apes.
08:04And then came the Muslims.
08:07Don't you call me an ape, you son of a cross-eyed goat!
08:10What?
08:11If I have any more trouble,
08:13you'll both stay behind for extra study.
08:14Juan!
08:16SÃ, señor.
08:17Let's hear your observations on the stars.
08:20Por favor.
08:22Ah, sÃ, stars.
08:24There's plenty stars.
08:25Yeah, well, can you name some?
08:27Eh, sÃ.
08:28Eh, Sophia Loren, Brigitte Bardot.
08:31Quiet.
08:33Sorry, Mr. Brown.
08:34Just a joke.
08:35Just?
08:37If it isn't too much trouble,
08:38can you try being more serious for one minute?
08:40SÃ, sÃ.
08:41Minute.
08:42I speak serious.
08:43For one minute.
08:44Stars.
08:49In the heaven,
08:50plenty stars.
08:52Some big stars.
08:54Some little stars.
08:56Some not-so-big stars.
08:59Some not-so-little stars.
09:01Some bright stars.
09:03Some dull stars.
09:05Some not-so-bright stars.
09:07Some...
09:08Don't thank you, Warren.
09:11Hey, I no speak for one minute.
09:13Yeah, well, I think you've spoken for long enough.
09:16Taro.
09:17Ah, sir.
09:17A minute, please, on childhood.
09:23Not want to speak about childhood.
09:26Why not?
09:27Very bad time for a meal.
09:30No parents.
09:32No parents?
09:34Santa Maria.
09:35He's a miracle baby.
09:37Mother and father killed when I was a small boy.
09:43Childhood.
09:44Yes, Taro, I know what you mean.
09:53Did you lose your parents when you were a little boy?
09:56Well, I didn't exactly lose them.
09:58I just don't know who they are.
09:59You were an orphan?
10:01Yes.
10:02That's terrible.
10:04Well, one Easter Monday, when I was about two weeks old, I was left on the steps of an orphanage in Jeremy Street.
10:09Hence my name, Jeremy.
10:12Oh, dearie me.
10:13I'm being very sad for you.
10:15Not having a mummy?
10:18Yeah, well, cheer up, Ellie.
10:19What you never have, you never miss.
10:20Matter of fact, until I was about two, I was convinced that my mummy was a big woolly teddy bear.
10:24Well, I must say, I do often wonder sometimes whether I have any brothers or sisters.
10:30Hey, we be your brothers and sisters.
10:33Sure.
10:34We all become one big happy family.
10:36Yay.
10:37And I will be your brother.
10:41And I will be your sister.
10:44Well, not quite sister.
10:46Well, that's very kind of you all.
10:49I think we'll break for tea now, all right?
10:51Yes.
10:54Ah, good evening, Mr. Brown.
10:58Ah, good evening, Miss Courtney.
10:59Headache?
11:00No, thanks.
11:00I've already got one.
11:03Would you like a couple of aspirin?
11:05No, I think I need a drink, actually.
11:06Well, strong black coffee might help.
11:08Yeah, a double scotch might help a bit more.
11:10No, I need a break.
11:11A nice, quiet, ten minutes away from my students will do me the world of good.
11:14Mm-hmm.
11:15Mr. Vodka and tomato juice, please.
11:18I'm only wanting corticoli, please.
11:20Spiro.
11:21A glass of milk, please.
11:22Look, I've only got one pair of ones.
11:24Hey, the beautiful hand.
11:26Oh, thank you.
11:28You're a beautiful girl.
11:30Muy bella.
11:31Uh, what did you want?
11:33Brandy.
11:35Oh, look, I'm right out.
11:36I'll have to go into the other bar.
11:38It won't be a minute.
11:38Hey, what about us, huh?
11:40Hey, boys, look.
11:45Here is Mr. Brown.
11:46What are you all doing here?
11:48Oh, what?
11:49It makes a change.
11:51Yes.
11:51Canteen, coffee, not very good.
11:53Can we be buying you a drinky, please?
11:55Well, that's very kind of you, Ali, but I've got a bit of a headache, so if you don't mind,
11:58I'll just have a quiet sit-down over there.
12:00Oh.
12:02Hello, Mr. Brown.
12:03Oh, hello, Sid.
12:04Yes, please.
12:05Don't you ever get drunk?
12:06Every night, I can't face the wife's sober.
12:11Have you got any family, Sid?
12:13Eh?
12:13Have you got any family?
12:14Any children?
12:15Oh, yes and no.
12:17What do you mean, yes and no?
12:18Well, me and Lil, we did have a nip for once, and I was out of work.
12:21Had no money.
12:23Got a bit desperate.
12:24So I wrapped the baby up well, took it out, put it on the steps of the orphanage.
12:28An orphanage?
12:29Yeah, in Jeremy Street.
12:31In Jeremy Street?
12:33It wasn't on the Easter Monday, was it?
12:35Yes, it was.
12:36Oh, dear.
12:56Sid, your father?
12:58Are you sure?
12:59Afraid so.
13:00What did he say when you told him?
13:02Well, I haven't told him yet.
13:03But you must.
13:04Oh, I don't know.
13:05Some things are best left alone.
13:06I mean, after all, it was a long time ago, nearly 30 years.
13:09The truth, Mr. Brown, must be told.
13:12Do you think it's wise?
13:13I mean, it's a bit of a shock to realise that you're related to someone so rough and vulgar.
13:17Oh, nonsense.
13:18I'm sure Sid will soon get used to you.
13:24You know, come to think of it, and looking at you now, there's quite a resemblance.
13:29Sid and me?
13:31Yes, especially the profile.
13:33Like father, like son.
13:35Oh, dear.
13:36What about your mother?
13:39Yeah, what about her?
13:40According to Sid, she sounds a right old dragon.
13:42Well, I think it's very romantic.
13:46Enter.
13:48I've just brought the stop room key back.
13:54Sorry, I'm not protruding, am I?
13:57No, Sidney, of course not.
13:59Quite the opposite.
14:00In fact, your presence here is most opportune.
14:03Oh.
14:04Mr Brown has something to say to you, haven't you, Mr Brown?
14:07Um, yes.
14:08Well, I'll leave you two alone.
14:13What do you want to say, son?
14:15Son?
14:18You just called me son.
14:19But don't get your knickers in the twist.
14:21I call everybody son, except the birds.
14:23Oh.
14:24In any case, I'm holding up to be your father.
14:29Look, sit down, Sid.
14:33Cigarette, Sid.
14:45No, I'm sorry, I've just run right out.
14:47No, no, no, I'm offering you one.
14:48Oh, that's very kind of you.
14:50Thanks very much.
14:52Ciao.
14:57Listen, Sid, you see, what I wanted to ask you is...
15:01Yeah?
15:01Well, you see, how are you keeping?
15:07Nothing, Mammal.
15:08Oh, good, good, good.
15:10Listen, what is it you want to say to me?
15:12Oh, yes.
15:13Well, you see, it could be a bit embarrassing.
15:17It's not about the cake with good hope, is it?
15:19Cake with good hope?
15:19The soap that we use in the wash basins.
15:23Soap?
15:23I only did it once, yeah.
15:25It was a new Christmas and I was a bit short, you see.
15:30I only flogged about half a dozen.
15:32What, you sold six bars of soap?
15:34Cases.
15:37You've got a pall of wine in the market, you sell as anything.
15:39Yeah.
15:40I wish you hadn't told me about that.
15:42It wasn't about the soap, then.
15:43No, I've never even heard of it.
15:45It was about the crockery.
15:46What?
15:46Crockery in a canteen.
15:50You haven't been stealing crockery, have you?
15:52I only took about a dozen of each and some of them were all chipped.
15:55You've been telling me next you've been nicking the chairs.
15:57Do what?
15:58Nicking the chairs.
15:59No, I've never nicked any chairs.
16:01Well, that's a relief.
16:02Can't get them in me pocket.
16:05I wonder if it's hereditary.
16:07Pardon?
16:08Never mind.
16:09Look, Sid, tell me about your wife, Sid.
16:12What's she like?
16:14Pain in the neck.
16:16Well, you must have been fond of her work.
16:17Nah, she's always nagging.
16:19Nag, nag, nag.
16:20Well, perhaps she feels neglected.
16:22She deserves to be neglected.
16:24I'd divorce her if it wasn't the one thing.
16:27What's that?
16:27We're not married.
16:33Not married?
16:34No, we thought about it, but we never got round to it.
16:37Well, that's terrible.
16:39Well, it doesn't worry us.
16:40Yeah, but that means I'm...
16:42Your child is...
16:43Oh, right, Lou.
16:44Well, don't say it, Sid.
16:45Sid, you must get married.
16:48I mean, if only for my...
16:49For your child's sake.
16:50I mean, to give it a name.
16:51Oh, it's too late in the day now for that.
16:53In any case, we can't afford it.
16:55I mean, she'd want a new outfit and a proper do.
16:58Nah, it'd only be a waste of money.
17:00Look, Sid, I'll pay.
17:01Do what?
17:02I'll pay for the wedding.
17:04Why?
17:04What for?
17:05Well, I want to.
17:07Can I have a new whistle and flute?
17:09Yeah.
17:09What, and a car and flowers?
17:11Yes.
17:12And a booze up afterwards?
17:13Oh, naturally.
17:14God, blimey!
17:15I know it sounds strange, but I have got my reasons.
17:17Look, can you and your wife meet me in the Red Lion pub after school tonight?
17:21Yeah, that'd be all right.
17:22Right, well, we'll see you there, then.
17:23Yeah.
17:24Yeah?
17:24All right.
17:24See you later, son.
17:27Yes.
17:32My own father, a thief.
17:35Still, I suppose I should be grateful in a way.
17:38If he hadn't left me on those orphanage steps, if he'd brought me up himself, what would I
17:44be like today?
17:44Oh, Dad, get that down, you nanny goat.
17:58Down your throat.
17:59Oh, thanks, son.
18:00Yeah, you'd better shove that in your Sky Rocket as well.
18:02Oh, dear.
18:03What's this?
18:04There must be 50 quid here.
18:0550 free?
18:07Where'd you get it from?
18:08I bumped into a geezer outside, didn't I?
18:10I fell out of his pocket.
18:11Oh, a chip off the old block, eh?
18:13Have you been going to have a nostril afterwards?
18:15No, I'm eating a few of the lights.
18:17I thought we might go and bash up with his Spurs supporters, you know what I mean?
18:19Get down a disco, pick up some crumpet, then, uh...
18:23Oh, go and enjoy yourself, eh?
18:26What else?
18:27Good help, son.
18:28Right on.
18:28Here you go.
18:29Cheers.
18:34Mr. Brown?
18:36Mr. Brown?
18:37Yeah, darling, what do you want?
18:42Sorry, Miss Courtney.
18:42I was miles away.
18:44Well, can you tell him?
18:46Yeah, well, I don't think I really ought to, actually.
18:48But of course you must tell him, Mr. Brown.
18:50There's no other alternative.
18:52Oh, there is.
18:53What's that?
18:54Well, I could shoot myself.
18:56Hey, Danielle.
18:57Wick.
18:58What do you do tonight?
19:00Why, you ask?
19:01Well, there's a dance at the students' club.
19:03You want to come?
19:04Hey!
19:05I was going to ask Danielle to come with me.
19:07Oh, too bad.
19:08I ask her first.
19:09What do you say?
19:11Well, I like very much to dance.
19:13Good.
19:13I show you how to do the Italian shuffle.
19:15You stand like this.
19:17Then you put your arms around my neck.
19:20I put my arms around your waist.
19:23Then we put our cheeks together.
19:25What do we do next?
19:29Who cares?
19:31Come on.
19:32I do hope I'm not interrupting anything.
19:34I was just showing Danielle how to dance the Italian shuffle.
19:38Yeah, well, kindly shuffle back to your seats.
19:39Go ahead.
19:40Right.
19:41Now, part of your examination next week will consist of reading aloud.
19:46That is to say, all.
19:47So I thought tonight we'd have a practice by reading out a poem.
19:51Ah, Jolly Good.
19:53I'm hearing a Jolly Good poem last night.
19:56There was a young lady called Nelly who was tattooed all over in Delhi.
20:02Right down her back was the Union Jack.
20:05And God saved the Queen on her belly.
20:07Thank you, Sir John Bettman.
20:12Right.
20:13Now, the poem we're going to read is called The Daffodils by William Wordsworth.
20:16All right?
20:17I'm going to ask each of you to read out a line in turn.
20:20We'll start with you again, Danielle.
20:22I wandered lonely as a cloud.
20:25Cloud.
20:27Sorry.
20:28Ali.
20:28Ali.
20:29Ah.
20:29That floats on high O.R.
20:33Valleys and hillies.
20:35Vails and hills.
20:37Jolly Good.
20:39Julie.
20:41When or at once I saw a cloud.
20:44Crowd.
20:46Jamila.
20:48A host of golden daffodils.
20:54Daffodils.
20:56Anna.
20:57Besides the lake, beneath the trees.
21:00The, the, the.
21:02The, the, the.
21:05Max.
21:05Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
21:09Well done.
21:10Giovanni.
21:12Continuous as the stars that shine.
21:15Continuous as the stars that shine.
21:18Continuous as the stars that shine.
21:22Better.
21:23Ranjit.
21:23And tinkle on the Milky Way.
21:27Tinkle.
21:29A thousand apologies.
21:31Anybody know what the Milky Way is?
21:34Si, senor.
21:35Chocolate.
21:36No one, the Milky Way is a luminous collection of stars.
21:46Si, si.
21:47Sophia Lorenz.
21:48J.
21:49Oh, go on.
21:51Oh, go on.
21:53It's your turn.
21:54All right.
21:54All right.
21:56Er, de stress is never end in life.
22:00Good.
22:00Taro.
22:01A rungle.
22:04The margin of the bale.
22:07Oh, no.
22:08I'm sure Mr. Wordsworth would have found that quite an uplifting experience.
22:12Mr. Brown.
22:14I've just had a telephone call from your...
22:16From Sydney.
22:19He asked me to tell you that when you've finished,
22:21he'll be waiting for you in the bar of the Red Lion with your...
22:23With his wife.
22:25Yeah.
22:25Oh, hello, Sid.
22:32Hello, Mr. Brown.
22:33Where's your wife?
22:33Oh, she's gone to the Watsit.
22:34She won't be a minute.
22:36Oh, I see you got the drinks in, then.
22:37Yeah, I told Magnus you'd pay for them when you came in.
22:39Oh, OK.
22:43Here, Sid.
22:47Where's that teacher, then?
22:50Meet the wife.
22:51Don't laugh.
22:52Hello.
22:53Pleased to meet you, Mrs.
22:55You may call me Ma.
22:57Oh, Ma.
22:59Here.
23:00Is it true what Sid says that you're going to pay for our wedding?
23:04Yes, Ma.
23:05Oh, we're ever so grateful, ain't we, Sid?
23:09Yeah, we are.
23:09But what I don't understand...
23:11Yeah, well, I'll try and explain.
23:12You see, remember what you told me about leaving your little baby at an orphanage in Jeremy Street?
23:16Yeah?
23:17Yeah, well, one of the reasons why I want you to get married is so that your child will be legitimate.
23:23Ah, what a lovely thought.
23:27Oh, I must give you a kiss.
23:33Well, I'm going to tell you something now.
23:35It was 30 years ago that you left that baby at that orphanage in Jeremy Street?
23:38Yeah, it was about that time.
23:39On an Easter Monday?
23:40Yeah.
23:41Yeah, well, I was left at an orphanage 30 years ago in Jeremy Street on an Easter Monday.
23:45Do you hear that, Sid?
23:47What a coincidence!
23:50If I told you I was that baby, would you say that was a coincidence?
23:53It'd be a blooming miracle.
23:55Why?
23:55Because our baby was a girl.
23:56No!
23:57No!
23:58No!
23:59No!
24:00No!
24:01No!
24:02No!
24:03No!
24:04No!
24:05No!
24:06No!
24:07No!
24:08No!
24:09No!
24:10No!
24:11No!
24:12No!
24:13No!
24:14No!
24:15No!
24:16No!
24:17No!
24:18No!
24:19No!
24:20No!
24:21No!
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