Mike Judges Beavis and Butt Head S03E24 Discoverers

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00:00That is humorous, yes, very humorous, yes, quite dracular, yes, droll, very droll, yes,

00:08whimsical, yes, yes, quite absurd, yes, quite whimsical, yes, priceless whip of a satirical

00:13best, yes.

00:30Behold, oh dim-witted humans, I am Smart Butthead, and I am the one sage is called Smart Beavis.

00:40In the past, we have come to you to chronicle the mysterious events of a distant universe

00:45where Beavis and Butthead are not teenagers, but in middle age, at the height of their

00:50powers.

00:51But today, we bring you a different tale, a tale about ourselves, the legend of how we

00:58came to be known across the cosmos as the Discoverers.

01:15Our legend begins the day we were called before the supreme leaders.

01:19Smart Beavis and Smart Butthead, we have for you an important mission.

01:31The Smart Council has decided to invade Earth One, the planet they call Normal Earth.

01:37The humans who live there are too stupid to have their own planet.

01:42And so they must be terminated, okay?

01:45Your mission is to go to Earth One and place a navigational beacon to show our space fleet

01:50precisely where to attack.

01:53Ah, yes.

01:54You chose us because of our deep understanding of Normal Earth.

01:57And wisdom in the art of war.

01:59No!

02:00We chose you because you will probably die!

02:03You were the most expendable people we could think of.

02:07And we are extremely good at thinking.

02:09Quite right, Smart Todd.

02:11Now go!

02:13May science be with you.

02:17Very well.

02:19We shall go to Normal Earth.

02:21And we shall be its doom.

02:23Indeed.

02:24Doom.

02:25Yes, yes.

02:26Quite dracular.

02:26Dracultham, yes, yes.

02:27Amusing dracocity.

02:29Yes, yes.

02:29Waggish and sarcical as well, yes.

02:32Do you want to go on the winter?

02:38Interesting.

02:39Quite interesting, yes.

02:40Yes, yes.

02:41Very interesting.

02:48People less sophisticated than ourselves might assume that this is a man stumbling around intoxicated in his yard

02:53and should be handed over to the authorities.

02:56Yes, but we know better.

02:57These are sophisticated dance moves with great meaning.

03:00Yes, it will take our scientists many centuries to interpret what he is saying through the language of dance.

03:05Yes, yes.

03:06Yes, yes.

03:06The probability of him urinating in his own pants is zero.

03:12Did you catch that, smart butthead?

03:14He is expressing his earthly desire for fornication in a carton of smokes.

03:18Ah, yes, yes, indeed.

03:22Oh, look at this.

03:23He is paying tribute to the god of fertility.

03:26Yes, yes.

03:26By placing his hand near his earth penis.

03:28I believe this is how they pledge of allegiance.

03:31Yes, yes.

03:32The earth penis is a much less intelligent organ than our space penis.

03:36Yes, yes.

03:37Primitive 16-bit earth penis.

03:39Yes, yes.

03:39I do not understand what he appears to be doing now.

03:44What is the meaning of this, smart butthead?

03:46He is performing the ancient moves necessary before immersion in the basin of purification.

03:51Ah, yes, indeed.

03:52Yes, I believe you are correct, smart butthead.

03:54Yes.

03:55Humans must reach the exalted state they call crunk before immersion into the pool of infinity.

04:01Yes, yes.

04:01That pool, like the wisdom of Post Malone, is infinite.

04:04Second verse.

04:05Second verse.

04:07Yay.

04:07Second verse.

04:08This is very good, smart butthead.

04:10Yes, yes.

04:11Very good.

04:12I do not understand why it was not nominated for the space Oscars.

04:16Ah, yes, yes.

04:17It is a travesty.

04:19Post Malone has become quite wealthy doing this.

04:22Yes, yes.

04:22It is no wonder that the earthlings have made him their king.

04:27What do those words on his face mean?

04:30They mean one thing, smart beavis.

04:32Kidnap me and probe my anus.

04:34Yes, yes.

04:35Perhaps we should lure him into our spacecraft with a 40-ouncer and a pack of cigarettes and

04:41take him to our home planet for study.

04:43Yes, yes.

04:4440 ounces is the optimal volume for malt liquor.

04:4732 ounce does not get you messed up sufficiently.

04:50And 52 ounces is too heavy to hold.

04:52Yes, yes.

04:53Do you think he would mind being probed?

04:55I do not think he would mind or notice.

04:58Yes, yes.

05:12Look upon these foolish humans, unaware their destruction is nigh.

05:16Let us place the beacon here, in this temple of commerce.

05:24How primitive.

05:25Yes.

05:26The convenience stores on our world are far more advanced.

05:29Yes, yes.

05:30Very primitive, yes.

05:31It appears to be an obsolete form of nachos.

05:34Yes, quite archaic, yes.

05:36Where is the space cheese?

05:38And look at this.

05:40Primitive analog pornography.

05:42Fascinating.

05:43We must take it for our research.

05:46Now let us place the beacon to guide our space sleep to its prey.

05:52But where shall we place it, smart Beavis?

05:55Ugh.

05:56These days, you gotta take out a mortgage just to buy some cold ones.

06:00I tell you what.

06:02Let us put the beacon in this chamber.

06:04It should suffice.

06:06Yes, yes.

06:06A solicitous location, yes.

06:08Well, hold on there, boys.

06:10You can't just take those magazines and go whack off in the bathroom.

06:14I do not understand.

06:17What do these words mean?

06:19Whack off.

06:20You know, choking the chicken.

06:24Beating your meat.

06:27Spanking your monkey.

06:30Son, I'm talking about masturbating.

06:33We have never heard of it.

06:35What is masturbating?

06:36You really don't know?

06:40Oh, boy.

06:41Well, all right.

06:43I guess I'll explain it to you then.

06:45You see, sometimes a man...

06:50And that's pretty much the long and short of it.

06:53Fascinating.

06:54Your own schlong?

06:56Quite fascinating, indeed.

06:58We must try this immediately for research.

07:01Indeed.

07:01We shall return immediately afterwards and place the beacon.

07:17The research was a success.

07:19Indeed.

07:20The old man's analysis of spanking your monkey was correct.

07:24Quite accurate, yes.

07:25Let us go now and place the beacon.

07:27First, we should conduct the research one more time.

07:30Very well.

07:36Research complete.

07:38Let us place the beacon.

07:40Or, we conduct the research one more time.

07:43Yes.

07:44Yes, I agree.

07:45One more time, yes.

07:45We must be thorough, yes.

07:47My schlong hurts.

08:01As does mine.

08:02It is finally time to cease our research and plant the beacon.

08:05Agreed.

08:06But first, one more time.

08:08Set course for the navigation beacon.

08:19I'm not detecting it, sir.

08:21That's not possible.

08:23We sent a team to plant it a week ago.

08:26It was never turned on, sir.

08:28We have zero navigational data.

08:30No matter.

08:30I became smart admiral because I am expert in navigating with...

08:36Smart Beavis and smart butt-head, you failed to place the beacon.

08:55As a result, our invasion fleet crashed into the moon, destroying over 40 ships and putting

09:02Admiral Smart Van Driesen in the space emergency room.

09:06You have disappointed us for the last time, okay?

09:10Do you have anything to say before we pass sentence?

09:14In our defense, supreme leaders, we have discovered something.

09:18Indeed we did.

09:20Something unknown to our planet.

09:22Called spanking your monkey.

09:24I will beam you how it works.

09:29Very well.

09:30We will consider this spanking your monkey in return with our verdict.

09:54We will now vote on your sentence.

10:00Death.

10:01Give them a billion dollars.

10:04Throw them a parade.

10:06Give them two billion dollars.

10:07Rename the planet in their honor.

10:10Sing songs of their triumph at every public gathering.

10:13Let us consider the evidence one more time.

10:17Yes.

10:18Agreed.

10:20You've got to be kidding me.

10:29I only wish more people had come to our parade.

10:32They are all at home, spanking their monkeys.

10:36Thanks to what we learned from that old man, Earth's 327Z would never be the same again.

10:47And that is why we are known as...

10:49The Discoverers.

11:12Chirp.

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