- 2 days ago
With Jack Benny, Bob Hope, Jesse White, Iris Adrian. Jack and Bob do a skit about the time they auditioned their vaudeville act ...
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00:00Thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the show.
00:22Before I get started, I want to thank the American Tailors Association for this award that
00:30they gave me last week, selecting me as the best-dressed male performer in television.
00:43And Rochester, Rochester said I was silly buying Adolph Monju's old clothes.
00:52And, you know, speaking of clothes, my father once told me a secret about being well-dressed.
00:58I remember one day he came, I was eight years old at the time, you see, and my dad came up
01:05to me and he said, Mr. Benny?
01:11My father called me Mr. Benny then.
01:13I guess it was because he was working for me, you see.
01:17Anyway, he said to me, you know, you don't need a lot of clothes.
01:20If you have one suit and a nice shine on your shoes, you'll always be as well-dressed as
01:27your neighbors.
01:28And, you know, he was right.
01:31For years, for years, with that one suit, I was as well-dressed as any of our neighbors.
01:37Of course, I had to be careful where I lived.
01:42As the suit got older, I was getting into some pretty sloppy neighborhood.
01:45I finally said, to heck with it, I bought another suit and moved to Beverly Hills.
01:52And I must say that living, living in Beverly Hills, ladies and gentlemen...
01:59Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, thank you, and thank you, Rickety Nelson.
02:16Rickety Nelson?
02:21Bob, for heaven's sakes, you're not supposed to come on for five minutes yet.
02:25You know, I was right in the middle of my monologue.
02:27Yeah, that's why I came out.
02:29Get off the stage.
02:30I'll hold him until you can get out of the building.
02:33Well, Bob, quiet.
02:35Ladies and gentlemen, did you hear about the goat who fell in love with Mitch Miller?
02:38Or the rumor that Ben Casey isn't really a surgeon.
02:47If he could cut something, he'd do something about Dr. Zorba's hair.
02:52Boy, you really cooled him off, didn't you?
02:56Bob, listen to me.
02:58If you had done what I asked you to, and come in my dressing room before the show,
03:02you'd have known that you weren't supposed to come out here until I introduced you.
03:05Jack, I tried to get into your dressing room, but I didn't have a nickel.
03:10No, no, that was not in the show.
03:15As I came down the hall, some people stopped me.
03:21I couldn't get away from them.
03:22They wanted to know how a comedian works,
03:24how he commands the attention of the audience,
03:26and how he gets big laughs.
03:28Oh, tourists?
03:29No, you're producer, you're director, and you're writer.
03:31Well, I've got news for you, Bob.
03:35They'll be tourists tomorrow.
03:39How can you fire them? They're your relatives.
03:42Not for long. I'm having my blood changed in the morning.
03:46That should take about two minutes.
03:49Now, ladies and gentlemen, I have another nice little joke here.
03:51Wait on, Bob.
03:52Huh?
03:52Why do you always look over there?
03:54Those ushers.
03:55Well, I'm working to the ushers.
03:57I like to play the men in uniform.
03:58I, uh...
03:59Well, what do you think happened on the way to the bomb?
04:01Look, Bob.
04:02There I go.
04:03Do me a favor, will you?
04:05Will you get off the stage
04:06and let me introduce you like I was supposed to?
04:08Well...
04:08You know, let's get everything...
04:10I wanted to get started right.
04:11Yeah, but I hate to turn my back on this audience, but I'll...
04:14And now, ladies and gentlemen,
04:23it gives me great pleasure to present my guest star, Mr. Bob Hope.
04:36Thank you very much.
04:40Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen,
04:43and thank you, Adolf Manchu.
04:44Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
04:45Did you hear the rumor that Mitch Miller doesn't have a beard?
04:48It's really a long, fuzzy tongue.
04:55Bob, wait a minute.
04:57You just did a Mitch Miller joke two minutes ago.
05:00You mean we got the same audience?
05:04Yes, and I'd like to keep him for at least another 25 minutes.
05:07You'd like to keep him for 25 minutes?
05:08Yes.
05:09Okay, I'll get your balloons and my fans,
05:11and I'll be right back.
05:12Bob, come back here.
05:15You know, you don't have to keep running on and off the stage.
05:18You're on my show now.
05:19I work at a much slower pace.
05:21You certainly do.
05:22It took you 68 years to become 39.
05:26Never mind.
05:27And believe me, Bob,
05:27it wouldn't hurt either of us to slow down.
05:30As a matter of fact,
05:31I've been gradually tapering off on all of my activities.
05:34Last week, even though I hated to do it,
05:37I cut out my favorite sport.
05:39You mean you gave up knitting?
05:44Not entirely, but I'm staying away from Argyle.
05:50But Bob, I'm serious.
05:53You know, you still think you're a kid.
05:55You push yourself too hard.
05:56Every day you're out on that golf course.
05:58Well, what's the difference?
05:59I walk 18 holes.
06:00You walk to 18 banks.
06:04Well...
06:04And your bag is heavier than mine.
06:07She's got the only caddy with a machine gun.
06:10Look, Bob,
06:11stop being silly and listen to me, will you?
06:13Jack, I've been listening to you.
06:15But have you ever stopped to think
06:16that maybe the reason you're slowing down
06:18is because you're not getting enough sleep?
06:21Gee, that could be it, that.
06:23You know that a day before yesterday,
06:27I only slept six hours.
06:29Yesterday, I slept only four hours.
06:31Remember three days ago,
06:33I only slept five hours.
06:34Well, there you are, Jack.
06:35You're not getting enough sleep at night.
06:37Oh, at night, I get eight hours.
06:43I'm talking about the afternoon.
06:45This kid not only gets sleep,
06:47he's getting all the jokes, too.
06:49Kid?
06:50Call me kid.
06:50That one word did more for him than Medicare.
06:56Now, Jack, I appreciate your efforts
06:58to get me to take it easy,
06:59and I know you're sincere
07:00because, after all,
07:01we've been good friends for years.
07:03Some friends.
07:04You made about 20 road pictures,
07:06the road to Morocco,
07:08the road to Singapore,
07:09the road to Hong Kong.
07:10If we're such good friends,
07:12why didn't you make some of those road pictures
07:14with me instead of Bing Crosby?
07:15I have to make them with Bing.
07:16He owns all the roads.
07:20But, Jack, I'll make you a promise.
07:23The next time we make a road picture,
07:25you can be in it.
07:26Gee, that's wonderful.
07:27You can be one of the soft shoulders.
07:30Bob, anything.
07:32I don't care.
07:34But, you know, Bob,
07:36while we've been talking,
07:37it just occurred to me
07:38how similar our careers have been.
07:41After all, we both did...
07:41You know, we both made quite a few pictures.
07:44That's right.
07:45And we both were in radio for a long time.
07:47That's true.
07:48We both went all over the world
07:50entertaining troops.
07:51Yes, but I did it free.
07:54Can I help us?
07:55The boys threw money up on the stage.
07:59You were the only violinist in the USO
08:01who worked with a tin cup.
08:04You sorry you said that?
08:06Yeah.
08:06Jack, you're absolutely right.
08:16Our careers have almost paralleled each other.
08:19I guess that's because we started out together.
08:21Yeah.
08:22I'll bet very few people here in the audience
08:25or at home know
08:26that you and I were once a team in vaudeville.
08:29That we did an act together.
08:31I didn't know it till rehearsal today.
08:36That I'm not sorry for.
08:38We did.
08:40We did, believe it.
08:41Yeah, and things were pretty tough for us then.
08:44We used to do a split week here,
08:45a split week there.
08:46Yeah, but those were the days.
08:48The days of Gallagher and Sheen.
08:50Pat Rooney.
08:51Block and Sully.
08:51Smith and Dale.
08:52Yes.
08:53And those corny quartets.
08:54Yeah.
08:57I want a girl just like the girl
09:00that Larry here or there.
09:03She was a girl
09:06and the only girl
09:07that daddy ever had.
09:10Oh, yes.
09:11A good old-fashioned girl
09:12with hearts so true.
09:14One will love somebody else's love too.
09:18I want a girl
09:19just like the girl
09:21that Larry
09:22here
09:24on
09:26dad.
09:27Yeah.
09:27Yeah.
09:27Yeah.
09:27Yeah.
09:27Yeah.
09:27Yeah.
09:27Yeah.
09:27Yeah.
09:27Yeah.
09:28Yeah.
09:29Yeah.
09:29Yeah.
09:30Yeah.
09:33Weaver's Theatrical Agency.
09:43No, I'm sorry.
09:44I can't interrupt Mr. Weber now.
09:46He's in his office
09:47talking to a client.
09:48Could you call back later?
09:50Thanks.
09:50Thanks.
09:51Look, Miss, I've been waiting here for over an hour.
10:03I know, but you're not the only actor that Mr. Weber handles, so you'll just have to wait.
10:20Oh, all right.
10:21Look, would you stop that juggling in here? It's very disturbing.
10:35okay, I'll leave.
10:36Okay, I'll leave.
11:07Miss, uh, we'd like to see Mr. Weber, please.
11:15Do you have an appointment?
11:16What do you mean, appointment?
11:18We're Benny and Hope.
11:19Benny and Hope?
11:20Yeah. Don't you recognize us?
11:22Why? Is there a reward?
11:28You don't understand, girlie. We do a vortigal act.
11:30Really? Which one throws the fish?
11:33Oh, that's clever. What are you doing tonight?
11:39Nothing.
11:39That figures.
11:46Look, we want to see...
11:48Excuse me, please.
11:50Weber Theatrical Agency.
11:53What? You say you have a bird that talks?
11:56That's wonderful. Bring it in.
11:59What's unusual about a bird that talks?
12:02This is a chicken.
12:07Now, what did you want?
12:08We want to see Mr. Weber.
12:10Well, first, I'll have to have some information.
12:12What's the name of your act again?
12:14Hope and Benny.
12:14I thought you said Benny and Hope.
12:16At 2 o'clock, our billing changes.
12:18Well, what kind of an act do you do?
12:21Oh, we do violin, snappy patter, and soft shoes.
12:25Well, where have you played?
12:27Oh, we've played all over.
12:28Just tell her the important ones.
12:30Well, we played a week in Storm Lake, Iowa.
12:33A week in Mountain Home, Nebraska.
12:36And three days in Greenleaf, New Mexico.
12:39And a week right here at the Palace in New York.
12:43Oh! Storm Lake, Mountain Home, Greenleaf, and the Palace.
12:46Well, at least you worked your way up.
12:49No, we played the Palace first.
12:53Still haven't got it out of the curtains.
12:57Mr. Weber's busy with a client right now.
12:59How's the good luck on your tour?
13:00Oh, he's through now. Just a minute.
13:03Now, if there's anything you want to call me about,
13:05I'll be in the office all afternoon.
13:06Thank you, Mr. Weber.
13:16Do you see what I just saw?
13:35Yeah.
13:35Imagine a coat with a belt in the back.
13:37Yeah.
13:38Honey, what was that fellow's name?
13:46Just plain Bill.
13:51I just thought of something.
13:53Let's go with the ball game tonight.
13:55There's a double header.
13:56That's the kind of stuff that got us into Storm Lake.
14:05Mr. Weber?
14:06Yes?
14:07There's a couple of gentlemen here to see you.
14:09Send them right in.
14:16Whoops.
14:18At 2 o'clock, our billing changed.
14:20Sit down.
14:26Sit down.
14:27How are you?
14:27All right.
14:29Uh.
14:29Now, what can I do for you?
14:31Mr. Weber, I'm Jack Benny.
14:32This is Bob Holt.
14:33That's right, Mr. Weber.
14:34You booked our act into the palace seven years ago.
14:36Oh, yes.
14:37I remember.
14:38Say, what business are you boys in now?
14:44What business are we in?
14:46Bob, show them our review.
14:47The one we got in Storm Lake, Iowa.
14:49Well, is he kidding?
14:50Yeah.
14:53Show them.
14:54Gee.
14:54Those argyles you knitted for me are beautiful.
14:59Thanks.
15:00There you are, Mr. Weber.
15:02Look at it.
15:03You know, the reason we came up here to see you,
15:04we feel you're the only agent who should book us.
15:07Please, fellas.
15:08Our new act is sensational.
15:09At least give us a chance.
15:11Yeah, all we need is a break.
15:13I gave you a break when I put you in Lowe's Flatbush.
15:15Yeah, some break.
15:16They open with Fink's mules,
15:18then Major Doty's dogs,
15:19then Manny's monkeys,
15:20then Power's elephants.
15:21So what?
15:22So what?
15:23By the time we got on the stage,
15:25we had to come out dressed in a horse's costume.
15:28Oh?
15:28Who did you boys get to play the front end?
15:30I don't know, but he had this in his back pocket.
15:44Now, come on.
15:45Honest to God,
15:45she got in his back pocket.
15:50Look, boys.
15:51I'm sorry.
15:51I'm a very busy man.
15:53Why don't you come back some other time?
15:54Oh, excuse me.
15:57Come in.
16:02Mr. Webber,
16:03I want you to hear this new song.
16:06It's gigantic.
16:08It's colossal.
16:09It's stupendous.
16:12Ink.
16:12Arink-a-doo.
16:14Arink-a-dee.
16:15Arink-a-doo.
16:17He's not done.
16:17Oh, kid.
16:19I told you,
16:20you've got no talent for show business.
16:23Get out of the office.
16:24Get out of the office.
16:24Get out of the office.
16:33Look what you did to me.
16:35You ruined me.
16:36I'm mortified.
16:37He was lucky.
16:45He pulled your nose
16:47through the keyhole.
16:52Now, look.
16:53Yeah.
16:56Yeah.
16:56Oh, I forgot you had a line there.
16:58Now, look at this.
17:00Now, look, Mr. Webber.
17:02Why don't you give us a break?
17:03I want you to listen to our act.
17:05It'll only take a few seconds.
17:06All right.
17:07If you insist,
17:08but make it fast,
17:09will you please?
17:09I'm going to get your violin right.
17:10We'll murder him right here.
17:14Okay.
17:21Ready?
17:23Go, Jack.
17:24Go, Jack.
17:24Oh, Mr. O.
17:46What is it, Mr. Benny?
17:47Have you heard that they're making women's bathing suits
17:50out of spun glass?
17:52Women's bathing suits out of spun glass?
17:54Well, that's worth looking into.
17:56You know, Mr. Benny, I love music.
18:23So do I.
18:25In fact, music saved my uncle's life.
18:27Really?
18:28How did music save your uncle's life?
18:30They played the Star Spangled Banner
18:32as he sat in the electric chair.
18:33Oh, Mr. Benny, I want you to meet my new girl.
18:37I call her Well Enough.
18:38Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
18:45Oh, Mr. Benny.
19:00Yes, Mr. Hope.
19:01I want you to meet my new girl.
19:02I call her Well Enough.
19:04Why do you call your new girl Well Enough?
19:06Because I want the boys to leave Well Enough alone.
19:12Oh, turn up the gas, Mother.
19:14We're cooking tonight.
19:15We're cooking tonight.
19:45What do you think of it?
19:51I'm going to count up to ten, and good luck to both of you.
19:56And if you miss each other, I hope you get me.
20:00Our act can't be that bad.
20:03Can't you book us somewhere?
20:05Look, boys, actually, I've got nothing open for a double.
20:07Hey, wait a minute.
20:09Have either of you ever thought of doing a single?
20:12What?
20:13And break up our act?
20:15Why, we've been together for years.
20:17You can't split Benny and Hope.
20:18Why, that would be ridiculous.
20:20We're more than partners.
20:21We're more than partners.
20:22We're pals.
20:24We're buddies.
20:25We're friends.
20:26Why?
20:26Side by side.
20:27Side by side.
20:29If we...
20:30If we rather star long than have anything to come between.
20:36Well, that's a shame, boys.
20:37The only thing I've got open is a single in Akron.
20:40Pays 15 bucks a week.
20:41I'll take it.
20:45But, Jack, what about the team, the partners, the friends, the buddies?
20:49Look, Bob, I've got to watch out for myself.
20:52I'm not getting any older.
20:53I mean, younger.
20:59Which way are you going to go?
21:04The way I've always been going.
21:07Look, it's no use arguing about it.
21:11Take it or leave it.
21:12That's right.
21:12I'll take it for $14.
21:14I'll take it.
21:15Listen, rather than you hire this no-talented wage cutter,
21:19I'll take it for $10.
21:20I'll take it for $8.
21:21I'll take it for $5.
21:23I'll take it for $3.
21:24I'll take it for nothing.
21:25So will I.
21:26You will?
21:27For nothing?
21:28It's a deal.
21:29Congratulations, boys.
21:31You opened Tuesday in Akron with a talking chicken.
21:33Jack, did you hear that?
21:38We're working!
21:39Bob!
21:39Hey!
21:48Jack and his guest star, Bob Hope, will be back in just a moment.
21:53But first...
21:53Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
22:06You know, Bob and I weren't really a team.
22:09And boy, we just made that whole thing up.
22:11How'd you like that act we did, though?
22:14The only thing that could...
22:15Thomas!
22:20The only thing that would have been worse
22:22was if Hope played the violin and I did the dance.
22:26But anyway, I'm glad he was with us.
22:28And here he is again, Bob Hope.
22:37Robert, Robert, now I want to tell you something.
22:41Thank you so very much
22:45For being on my show
22:48You really made it go
22:50And I'm especially happy that you didn't ask for dough
22:54So much
22:58Jack, I will say to you
23:03I'm always glad to do
23:06A guest shot here with you
23:08As far as leaguer tender goes
23:11Tomorrow I will sue
23:12Don't thank me so much
23:16Man, be the time to suggest it
23:22And only one thing I requested
23:25It's something that my wife suggested
23:30Forget Monju's suits
23:33My mind, they're beauts
23:35Thanks
23:37To the audience
23:39You were so nice, you know
23:42For sitting through my show
23:44When doors are locked
23:46And exits blocked
23:47Where else they gonna go
23:48Thank you
23:48Thank you
23:49So much
23:52Thank you
23:53Thank you
23:53So much
23:55Thank you
23:56So much
23:57Good night
24:01Well, good night.
24:03I'll be seeing you soon.
24:31I'll be seeing you soon.
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