- 6 hours ago
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00:00What's happening, Cornflakehead?
00:02Hey, we need to be mates again, you know.
00:05I've had to turn to drugs to cope without you.
00:11Not funny.
00:13Can't believe you got me up early for this.
00:16Just a little bit dirty.
00:19Just a little bit more, dear.
00:30Keep pushing.
00:32I can't.
00:33Just one more.
00:34One more.
00:36Look.
00:38Look at him.
00:40He's my favourite boy.
00:42Congratulations.
00:48Son.
00:49Congratulations.
00:57Fancy some FIFA after school later?
00:59I just need to hide a few things first so you can't steal them.
01:01Lad, I already explained what happened.
01:04I'm joking.
01:05Can you bring one of your controllers too, though?
01:06I've lost one of mine.
01:07That's because I stole her from your room.
01:19It's OK.
01:24Didn't you pay for his lunch as last week?
01:26We're still having problems getting the right ID for a bank account.
01:29I don't want to scare you, Gail, but I read about things like this all the time.
01:34Foreign men scamming women for money.
01:36What do you hear on about, Gail?
01:37Like my nan.
01:38Who met that Azarma fella from Gambia on Facebook.
01:41He moved here.
01:42They got married.
01:43And then he divorced her.
01:45So we could take half of her life savings.
01:47I mean, no offence to your nan, Gail, but she was like 74 and he was 25.
01:51It's pretty obvious he wasn't with her for a saggy Tetson pancake ass.
01:55May she rest in peace.
01:56Are you sure you can trust him?
01:58You already lied here about speaking English.
02:00Oh my God, Gail, are you jealous?
02:01No.
02:02You were the one saying it was weird you'd have him be into his house yet.
02:05Yeah, well, yesterday he had me waiting on the corner and I could definitely just about work out which house was his.
02:10So there.
02:11Why is he making you wait on the corner?
02:13We all want to talk.
02:14Chasing after that posh bellend.
02:16Sif?
02:17I mean, it's getting a bit embarrassing to be honest.
02:20He's not interested in girls like you.
02:22But he doesn't want to tell you because he doesn't want to look like a snob.
02:26Go away, you dee.
02:27Don't worry you.
02:28I'm going.
02:30You see, I've actually got a meeting with Netflix.
02:32Yeah, they want to do a documentary on Zia.
02:34They're the Libyan swindler.
02:36About how he manipulated a stupid, naive girl from Liverpool for a fiver.
02:41I don't like how soft I feel
02:46Cause each day for me it all feels oh sorry
02:54Oh, nice and spicy just edgy for me.
02:59Oh lad, if you're a ribbon saucy type of guy, it's okay.
03:02They're both too absolute heavyweight.
03:04My mum's just emailed me.
03:07Oh no.
03:09Have you lost the plot cause I haven't been around to keep you sane?
03:11Before she died she must have scheduled emails for me.
03:14Does it say?
03:16Hiya son.
03:18Cancer must have got me by now.
03:20Or did it?
03:21Maybe I faked my death and now live off the grid in Alaska with an impressive beard.
03:27She had a weird sense of humour.
03:29I love it lad.
03:30I know your dad's birthday was always a tough day for us.
03:33So I want to remind you of the poem we wrote for him.
03:36The image is fading of what it was like when you would hold me incredibly tight.
03:46But I'll never forget the feeling you gave.
03:47The feeling that everything was alright.
03:56I'll keep going.
03:57Like you're by my side.
03:58So when I see you again and you ask me how it went.
03:59I'll tell you it was fun and how you achieved everything I dreamt.
04:01Love you my son.
04:02Hope those words are coming through.
04:03Thanks for taking over.
04:04But did you have to do with a mouth full of knick-knacks?
04:05Do you know where your dad was?
04:06Do you know where your dad lives?
04:07I don't know.
04:08I don't know.
04:09Never met him.
04:10Never met him.
04:11Do you know where your dad lives?
04:12I don't know.
04:13Never met him.
04:14Do you know where your dad lives?
04:15Do you know where him, I've never met him?
04:16No.
04:17I'm not asked.
04:18I've never met him.
04:19I've met him in my direction.
04:20Hope those words are coming through.
04:24Thanks for taking over.
04:25But did you have to do it with a mouth full of knick-knacks?
04:35Do you know where your dad lives?
04:40Do you want to meet him?
04:41No, I'm not asked.
04:44I did as a kid, though.
04:46You can still make some memories with your dad.
04:50I'd do anything to make some more with mine.
04:53Even for one day, one hour, one minute.
04:59I wonder what your dad's favourite next to me.
05:03I have a fading memory of him eating rib and saucy.
05:08Come on, lad.
05:10Where the fuck's all this coming from, Rhys?
05:16Do you think I've done a bad job or something?
05:17No, Mum, you've been amazing.
05:19It's just, I was speaking to Christopher
05:21and he wrote this poem to his dad before he died.
05:24Just gets you thinking, doesn't it?
05:26So what?
05:27We can write a poem to your dad if you want.
05:31Er...
05:31I know this poem's come out of the blue,
05:33but we've never needed yet, so fuck you!
05:36See? Easy.
05:38Beautiful, Mum.
05:38It's just ever since you were born,
05:40all I've ever done is try and make you happy
05:42and now I feel like you're telling me I haven't done enough.
05:44No, Mum, that's not true at all.
05:46You have been enough.
05:48I am happy.
05:50I am.
05:52Sorry, Mum.
05:53I didn't mean to upset you.
05:55Are you sure you're ready for this, Rhys?
06:01Yeah, Mum.
06:02I suppose I've always just pushed it away,
06:05but it's always been in the back of my head.
06:08Like, who is this fella who's 50% of who I am?
06:12OK.
06:15Well, I'm not ready.
06:16But if you are,
06:19then I suppose I need to be.
06:23Your dad's name's Darren.
06:28Disneyland Darren.
06:29What?
06:29I know.
06:31Look, his mate said it was because he was always going on about this trip.
06:34He took to Disneyland,
06:35even when we were having sex.
06:37He kept going on about how it reminded him of going down Splash Mountain.
06:40Mum!
06:41I know, I know.
06:43It was a one-night stand, son.
06:46After I found out I was pregnant,
06:48I tried to find him.
06:49I swear I did, but...
06:52he's not from round here.
06:55He's from Manchester.
06:57I'm sorry, I know, I know!
07:00I tried my best to find him.
07:02So he doesn't know about me?
07:04No, son.
07:06Once I realised I couldn't find him,
07:09I knew where to just focus on you.
07:11In the day you were born.
07:15I promised you
07:17that I'd be twice the mum
07:20that you deserve to make up for the fact that you never had to that.
07:24And yet I've been mum.
07:30Come here.
07:32Come on.
07:36I love you.
07:38I love you too.
07:39Oh, I love you so much.
07:43Me little gobshade.
07:44Oh, I'm working on a history project.
07:53With Ruby.
07:54Hey, did you hear about me dad's uncle coming in at the weekend?
07:56He won 2,000 quid.
07:58It's crazy, huh?
07:59Why'd you pick Ruby to be your partner?
08:01She sits behind me in the class.
08:03Oh, my God.
08:06As he asked you to marry her.
08:08You what?
08:08You haven't given him your bank details, have you?
08:11Oh, I'm sure she'll use the winnings to buy you lunches
08:13and the PS5 you want.
08:15Oh, and your dad defo cut her one more.
08:17He cashed out the pussy.
08:19He choked.
08:20PSG.
08:21Where Rob's going to score?
08:22He's all yours.
08:23Oh, mate.
08:24Oh, thanks for finding that.
08:26The Disneyland discussion forums.
08:28You're a genius.
08:30This is it.
08:32Well, let's not judge him on where he lives.
08:35He can still be a really respectable guy.
08:41Which one of you is Rhys?
08:42And the cats and the cradles and the shoes.
09:02When you're coming home, dad, I don't know where he's going to get home.
09:08You know we'll have a good time, man.
09:12Hey, do you know what's strange, son?
09:15I've been having a lot of thoughts about your mum recently,
09:18so it's like a higher power's trying to tell me something.
09:21A lot of those thoughts was reaching into the wank bank, but still.
09:25I know it don't look like much, son,
09:26but I've not been able to work because of my disability.
09:30I have a severely stubbed toe and the pain...
09:33..radiates through me legs.
09:36But don't worry, cos I've got big, big money coming my way.
09:40Oh, yeah?
09:40Oh, yeah!
09:42I'm always applying to Pointless, millionaire.
09:46It's only a matter of time before I win big.
09:49I made it onto the chase once, son.
09:51Really? How'd you do?
09:52Well, I took the lower offer and I still got knocked out,
09:54but I was very unlucky with the questions.
09:56Currently doing another application for Pointless now, as we speak.
09:59Oh, my God!
10:01We should do one together as a father and son team!
10:04I'm all right, to be honest.
10:05Oh, my God!
10:07Oh, my God!
10:09Fucking hell!
10:10My old son fucking hates me!
10:13He doesn't hate you.
10:14He just needs a bit of time to get to know you.
10:18Oh, yeah.
10:20Oh, yeah.
10:23Time!
10:23And time is what we have got, son.
10:25Nothing but time.
10:28And I'm going to spend every single day making up with the time that we've lost.
10:32Every single day.
10:36Just you and me.
10:40Together.
10:41I'm going to get off.
10:42It was nice to meet you.
10:44Oh, what, really?
10:45Hey, do you want to go go-karting tomorrow?
10:48I can take you swimming!
10:49That's it.
10:50You're coming.
10:50You see the States from?
10:5216 years for him.
10:53I'd rather not know where he came from, if he came from that.
10:55I need the toilet before we go.
10:56Hurry up.
10:57Before he asks me to play catch or something.
10:59Hey, son, do you know how to ride a bike?
11:02Because I could teach you.
11:05I'll wait outside, lad.
11:07Do you want to come to my mum's birthday meal tomorrow night?
11:19She really wants to meet you.
11:21We've got an extra seat at the table.
11:22Is it certain someone isn't invited?
11:24Hey, sure.
11:25Last night, I was looking online, and I found a local support group for family members of MS sufferers.
11:31There's one tomorrow night, actually.
11:33What an incredibly thoughtful gesture, Christopher.
11:34It's great that me mental well-being is clearly your top priority.
11:38Great.
11:39So, you'll meet my parents, and then after, I'll go to your house and meet yours.
11:42It'll be great.
11:43Um, sure.
11:45Friday night at Siad's house.
11:47No waiting on the corner.
11:48I know it sounds daunting, but I could come with you, if that's OK.
11:51Thanks, Christopher.
11:53I'd love to go there tomorrow.
11:54Together.
11:54So, actually, me, Louise, I finally opened up that bank account, so I have the money that I owe you for the lunches.
12:02Siad, you don't have to give me the money back.
12:05But what a wonderful sign of trust that you have done.
12:07It's not time to make a change.
12:19Just relax and take it easy.
12:23You are young.
12:24It's not your fault.
12:25What the fuck's that?
12:26There's so much you need to know.
12:30What are you doing here?
12:31God, is that Mrs. Star?
12:32No, no, no.
12:33Check his order, Dad.
12:34No, it's a song about a father offering up his life experience for his son.
12:39Which is what I'm going to do for you.
12:41Just get out, will you?
12:44I've got a surprise for you.
12:47The fringe on it.
12:50Got one doing all.
12:51Put me nowhere big on me quiz shows.
13:00Say, have you met Risa's dad?
13:02Step away from the kids.
13:03Now.
13:12Don't worry about it.
13:14So what?
13:15It changes nothing.
13:16Chin up, lads.
13:18I can't do it.
13:22That's your dad, isn't it?
13:24Your life is ruined.
13:26I'm questioning your whole identity.
13:27Shut up.
13:28Rhys, Disneyland Darren's not your dad.
13:30If only, lads.
13:32When we were there, I went to the bathroom so I could get a hair sample.
13:35I ordered a DNA test and I just got the results.
13:37He's not your dad.
13:38Are you serious?
13:39He's not me dad.
13:41He did that for me, lad.
13:43Nice one.
13:44But, um, how did you get me hair sample, though?
13:47My bin still had your pubes in it from when you thought it was funny to keep leaving them on my pillow.
13:53Little man.
13:55I can't believe it, son.
13:58I was convinced he was your dad, cos...
14:00Cos what, Mum?
14:01Cos when I slept with someone else the next weekend, we used protection.
14:05Oh, my God.
14:06Don't look at me like that.
14:08Me and Anna just died.
14:09I was bladzered for three months.
14:11Out looking for distractions.
14:13Which is why I admire you so much.
14:16Just processing all your emotions.
14:17So where was he, then?
14:19And please don't say Universal Studios, Steve.
14:22I didn't get his real name.
14:24He went by Mr 997.
14:27I met him in the farmer's arms.
14:29Afterwards, I moved away.
14:31I didn't get his phone number and...
14:33I never saw him again.
14:35I'm sorry, son.
14:36Fuckin' hell!
14:43Fuckin' hell!
14:44Even DNA fuckin' hates me!
14:47Absolutely devastated, son.
14:51Bought this with me so we could build it today.
14:53Never gonna get the chance now, am I?
14:56You know, I bet your dad's that beanhead fella, the lucky bastard!
14:59What fella?
15:00Mr 997?
15:01Well...
15:02The next weekend, I went back to your mum's house with some flowers, cos...
15:06I was smitten, lads.
15:09Anyway, I rang the doorbell and there was no answer.
15:12So then I looked through the window...
15:14And that's when I see this hook-nosed fella with a massive beanhead shagging your mum on the couch.
15:18It was gutted!
15:19I saw him years later.
15:21I was in Liverpool and I saw his face on a poster.
15:24I was giving a talk on one of his books.
15:26I tell you what, lads.
15:27You never forget a cum face.
15:29He's a writer?
15:30Do you remember the name of the book?
15:31No! I smashed up my tit!
15:33But I think it was something weird about looking through doors or windows because I remember
15:39thinking, has he written a book all these years later about me seeing his cum face?
15:45When I think about what you've become
15:50I feel sorry for your mum
15:53You say we're all having fun
15:57Do you know you're the only one
16:00When the lights go down and I spoke to a child
16:04And the radio plays on a static stage
16:11And all that starts to go
16:14I was giving a talk on one of his books.
16:17I think it was something weird about looking through doors or windows.
16:21Has he written a book all these years later about me seeing his cum face?
16:24Do you remember the name of the book?
16:25No!
16:26I smashed up my tit!
16:27Fuck-nosed fella with a massive bean head
16:29Shagging your mum on the couch
16:31Bean! Bean!
16:32You never forget a cum face.
16:33The lucky bastard!
16:35You never forget a cum face!
16:36Mr 997!
16:41Our father's address!
16:42Oh my god! Look at this place!
16:47I just want to say thanks for all your help
16:50And you know what you said about going down to Surrey
16:52See your dad's grave
16:54I'm coming with you
16:56We'll make a day out of it
16:58Pull some posh birds
17:00Yeah, let's do it
17:02Woah, look at the size of this place
17:07You want me, Dot?
17:32Look at his awards!
17:35That was my first ever published book
17:37It's a research study into NDEs
17:40Near-death experiences
17:42Common, aren't they?
17:43Like, 20% of people who come close to death have them
17:47That's exactly right
17:48People don't realise how common they are
17:50And please, help yourself to caramel hobnobs
17:53My favourite biscuit to dunk
17:55The caramel acts as a strength and so it doesn't break
17:58Ensuring a sufficiently saturated biscuit
18:02God, that's extraordinary
18:07What's he doing here?
18:08It's extraordinary
18:09Fuck off!
18:10Fuck off!
18:11So...
18:12How's your mother?
18:13Yeah, she's good, yeah?
18:14She's still debating
18:15What do you mean, debating?
18:17She was captain of the opposing debate team
18:19That's how we met
18:20Camilla's arguments to why water-heavy agricultural systems should be illegal
18:23Really blew me away
18:24Camilla?
18:25Camilla?
18:26No!
18:27We're talking about Jodie, don't you remember?
18:29Who are you?
18:30You were shagging Jodie from behind
18:31And I was in the window when I saw you come
18:34And what is it about the windows, eh?
18:36When I say again?
18:37So you're not Camilla's boy?
18:38Hey, did you and Jodie ever do that position where she put her legs like that?
18:42What do you want, will you?
18:43Right!
18:44You're sick
18:45Get out
18:46Wait
18:47So you didn't sleep with Jodie 17 years ago?
18:48You met her at the Farmers Arms pub?
18:50No!
18:51I don't know any Jodie
18:52Get out before I call the police!
18:53Come on
18:54Get out, move
18:55Just wait, hang on
18:56Hang on
18:57Your angry face looks like your cum face, to be honest
19:01To fear ya?
19:02Get off my property
19:03No, we didn't mean to
19:05Get out
19:08What are you doing here?
19:09I've been following you, son
19:11It's my duty to look out for ya
19:15Guardian
19:16Protector
19:17Father
19:18You're not me dad
19:23Sorry, it's still really tough to wear
19:25And that's obviously not the feather, is it?
19:28Do you know, for a second
19:29I thought I'd find the reason why I've always felt like the black sheep in me family
19:33I finally felt a sense of belonging
19:39But it wasn't real
19:41It's still embarrassing me, okay?
19:46When do I ever embarrass you, love?
19:48Aye
19:49I'm singing in the rain
19:51Hello
19:52Just singing in the rain
19:57I'm only joking with ya
19:59Oh, it'll be really nice to meet him
20:01Seems alright
20:02But I should've not had
20:04Aye
20:05Why did I fall, fall into your arms
20:11Will we ever be like the way we used to be
20:14Or have we lost ourselves
20:17Thought I
20:19Know you
20:20You lying cheating prick
20:23Miloise
20:24Miloise
20:25Miloise
20:26Please, Habib, wait, wait
20:27Miloise
20:29Wait, Habib
20:30Please, please, please
20:31Please, I'm not cheating on you, okay?
20:33She's from another living family
20:34And my mum and uncle wanted me to meet her
20:36But why?
20:37You're coming out with me?
20:39They're scared I'm gonna lose my culture and forget my heritage
20:43That's why you didn't want me coming round to your house
20:46They don't want you to be with me
20:48I don't know what I'm supposed to do
20:50Just talk to them, just tell them how you feel about me
20:53I've tried
20:54Wallahi, I've tried
20:57Do you like the scale?
20:58How could I like her when I'm in love with you?
21:01But
21:02They're my family
21:04And they sacrificed so much for me to be here
21:08I'm sorry
21:10I can't
21:19Are you sure this is the place?
21:20I know it was 17 years ago
21:21But maybe someone at the Farmers Arms will recognise it
21:24What are yous doing here?
21:26Christopher texted us telling us to come to the Farmers Arms
21:29To ask around about Mr 997
21:32But as soon as we got here
21:33Some bloke accused me of being Trevor
21:36That broke up his marriage
21:38You what?
21:39Weird
21:40This other fella
21:41He's made me bite meat
21:43Oh, man, that stinks
21:45You're not approaching normal people there
21:46One sec
21:47I was just in the cubicle next to me
21:48And slid on the door
21:49What are you doing here?
21:50You know?
21:51You can find me or you don't
21:52But we'll always have each other, okay?
21:55Now, I know you didn't like it
21:57When Disneyland Darren's ever needed you
21:59So I'm not going to do that
22:00I just
22:02I want you to know you're so special, Rees
22:06To ignite that light
22:08Let it shine
22:09Just own the night
22:10Like the fire
22:12What are you doing?
22:13You're off your head, you know?
22:14Baby, you're a fire
22:15Are you work?
22:16Yes, kid?
22:17Come, I'll let you come
22:18Mum?
22:19I've got to go
22:20I'll text you later
22:21Oh, I love you
22:22You followed us here?
22:23You know, me dad knew it
22:24But why did you lie?
22:25I've got no idea what you're chatting at
22:26But if you keep staring
22:27The biggest one's getting chinned, you with me?
22:28Hey?
22:29Hey?
22:30Martin didn't have a tattoo
22:31I think you think I'm Martin
22:32No, no, no, I'm Alan
22:34It's a twin
22:35But they call me Mr. 997
22:37Cos I got the highest score on the boxing machine in this place
22:39Twenty years and the record still stands
22:42These new eye-boxing machines don't count that
22:46Proper jag
22:47Scoring a thousand
22:57I've had to go
22:59Proper jack. Scoring a thousand on them is like scoring 600 in my day the game's gone, lad.
23:04Do you remember a Jodie? You met her at this pub like 17 years ago?
23:11Bloody hell, yeah. Jodie? Fuck, that's a blast from the past, that, lads.
23:16This is Rhys, Jodie's son. We thought Martin was his dad, but you're his dad.
23:23Are you having me on, fella?
23:33You're my boy.
23:36Let's get a look at you, then. Eh? Eh?
23:40You know what I say now, you've got them boxers' arms like me.
23:43Let's test your jaw, though, see if you've got mine.
23:46Come on, man.
23:47Well, you've got that boring sauce right with your dad, eh?
23:50I've got a rubbish nose on you there, lad. That's not from me.
23:53But if you've got a big dick, that is...
23:57Know what I mean?
23:58Hey, fellas, this is Rhys, me son.
24:01Go ahead.
24:04Go on, say something.
24:05He's too happy he doesn't know what to say, soppy little blurt.
24:08Go on.
24:13Fuck.
24:14Rhys Duffy, he's wanna borrow.
24:17He's wanna borrow.
24:19He's wanna borrow.
24:21Rhys Duffy, he's wanna borrow.
24:23Rhys Duffy, he's wanna borrow.
24:26Not an easy thing to choose.
24:32He's wanna borrow.
24:35Sorry, something's come up.
24:37Are you at a party?
24:39Is that Mel? Are you with Demla?
24:43Yeah, but...
24:44My Luisa's right about you.
24:45Why didn't you just tell me if you weren't interested, you snob?
24:47You alright?
24:49Where's Christopher?
24:50Dunno.
24:51Where's the odds?
24:52Dunno.
24:53Where's the odds?
24:54Dunno.
25:04You all right?
25:09Where's Christopher?
25:11Dunno.
25:17Where's the odds? Dunno.
25:18I'd stayed with you.
25:24Oh, my God, that's Mr Dunn?
25:29Holding the door open for her cos you think she's weak and incompetent, sir.
25:33Is she allowed her own money, sir?
25:35Let her out the cage for tonight, did you, sir?
25:39I did, yeah.
25:40I should be back in by nine.
25:43She was outside school, so I don't have to take this shit here.
25:47Boom.
25:55Look, I should have listened to your lawn off me, girl,
25:57instead of just getting pissed off.
26:00Cos I was worried what you were saying might be true.
26:02I would say the same.
26:03I should know you've always got me back.
26:06I don't think I'll ever meet anyone
26:07who I'll have more of a laugh with than you.
26:10Same here, girl.
26:12We are going to smash the rest of this year.
26:15Love you, girl.
26:17Please, Duffy, you're the one.
26:19This is where you belong.
26:22Alan's King is over again.
26:24The one in the way!
26:25His son!
26:26Come on!
26:28Looking back on where we first met
26:32I cannot escape and I cannot forget
26:37Baby, you're the one.
26:39You still turn me on
26:41You can make me whole again
26:49For now I'll have to wait
26:51But baby, if you change your mind
26:54You can make me whole again
26:56Make me whole again
26:58I'll see you next time.
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