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00:00Tonight at a sold out event in Apollo.
00:05Let the rumbling commence!
00:08The worlds of comedy and wrestling collide like never before.
00:13It's coming.
00:15Britain's funniest will step into the ring with the world's best pro wrestlers.
00:21Punchlines.
00:24This is sexual harassment the funny way around.
00:27Will meet clotheslines.
00:29And only the brave or the foolish will survive.
00:35Phil Kilwang takes on Edge the Gambler Gamble in a grudge match for the ages.
00:43James Acaster has issued an open challenge, but who will he be facing?
00:47That was a real shock to the system.
00:52Maisie Adam marches into mayhem against a monstrous menace.
00:56And the biggest brawl of the night, a tag team tornado where anything can happen.
01:02This is bad news for health and safety.
01:04Nine teams.
01:08No rules, total mayhem.
01:18Big hits, twisted laughs.
01:20Is it all the same match?
01:22Big egos on the line.
01:24Who will stand tall?
01:26Get the posh twas!
01:27And who will get the ultimate punchline?
01:30Founded by wrestler comedians Max and Ivan.
01:33Welcome to the war.
01:34Drunkenly purchased by C.E. Joe Lycett.
01:38It's all very gay this, isn't it?
01:40This.
01:41Is.
01:42Shall we bloody do this?
01:43Clash of the comics.
01:44Welcome to the war.
01:45Eventim Apollo, please make as much noise as you can for your MC for this evening.
02:02It's me walking on from the back.
02:04It's Ivo Greer.
02:05Make as much noise as you can for as long as you can.
02:11This is not a short walk to this day.
02:16This is happening.
02:18This is actually happening.
02:20Welcome, everybody, to Clash of the comics.
02:26I've got to get into this ring.
02:28It's not going to be easy.
02:29Keep applauding as I get up there.
02:38Welcome, everyone.
02:40Welcome to Clash of the comics on You and Dave.
02:43This is the world exclusive debut.
02:46The UK's best comedians have been training to wrestle for literally months
02:51and they're about to step into this ring and they're going to risk their lives for your entertainment.
02:55People of the Apollo, make some noise for some quite literal smash hit comedy.
03:01Will the venue, and this is the first really big joke of the evening and I'm very excited for it.
03:10Will the venue known for comics performing live at the Apollo.
03:14So just pause there, think about the fact this is a night based around violence.
03:18So you might be able to start putting this together and it might be even more fun if you've already worked it out.
03:24Will the venue? I said venue, so we go again.
03:32Don't applaud venue. Don't applaud venue!
03:35Will the venue best known for comics performing live at the Apollo give us a new headline tomorrow?
03:44Dead at the Apollo!
03:46Only time will tell!
03:53I'm now going to pivot very elegantly to the commentary box and what talent we have waiting in the wings.
03:59On commentary, Sunshine Sarah Pascoe!
04:04The bad boy Nish Kumar!
04:08And fairest of them all, it's Greg James!
04:18Nish, you have to stop being a bad boy just for a second, please.
04:22Sarah, are you planning to be a ray of sunshine tonight or will you sneak in a few barbs at the comics here and there?
04:28I'm thrilled, I've never worn one of these before.
04:31I'm a bit out of my depth myself from a technical perspective Sarah.
04:36Because I think it amplifies me but it also stops me hearing you.
04:40Oh great!
04:41Okay, Sarah, answer the question you'd like to be asked.
04:4634B.
04:52I don't feel comfortable continuing that riff so we move now.
04:56To the bad boy Nish Kumar.
04:59Yeah, suck it, posh boy!
05:02You look like James Bond at a day rave!
05:06I'm evil everybody!
05:08Yeah, evil!
05:09I'm the most evil man that's ever lived except I've just had some feedback from someone as I walked on said he looks like a gold labubu.
05:15Which...
05:17I don't think it's...
05:18I'm a evil labubu!
05:20I don't even know what that is.
05:22It's time for us to pause this noble self-deprecation and...
05:25Stop chanting gold labubu!
05:27Stop chanting gold labubu!
05:29Gold labubu!
05:30This is a hate crime!
05:31Gold labubu!
05:33They're chanting gold labubu at me!
05:35Gold labubu!
05:36I don't even know what one of those is!
05:38It's you!
05:39It's you!
05:40Everyone suck it!
05:42It's a difficult year for the villains because unfortunately a lot of our best guys have gone to the Riyadh Comedy Festival.
05:49I tried to get Jimmy Carr to come over on his way back but he said he's got business to attend to.
05:54He's gone to America because he's trying to get his name added to the Epstein list.
05:57He's furious!
06:01Mish, obviously you've been part of this before, you've wrestled in this very ring.
06:04Do you have any advice for the comics that we're going to see tonight?
06:07My only advice is, and this is my advice for everyone, don't trust Rosie Jones.
06:11Because you'll think you're fine and then she'll push you through a table.
06:14I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm not convinced she's really disabled.
06:18You heard it here first.
06:23She is cruising on Goodwill and it can't ask forever.
06:27It's going to turn out that woman has been Daniel Day-lewising this shit the entire time.
06:35Speaking of cruising on Goodwill, we turn now to the most lamentably nice woman in UK media.
06:41Butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.
06:44What are you doing here, Greg James?
06:48Well, a lifelong wrestling fan and just to let you know, I have no opinions on anything that Nish just said.
06:54Nothing.
06:55Classic BBC. Loosen up, brother.
06:59You want to take a few tips from me if you're trying to get fired from the corporation?
07:05I'm Mr. Fair and Square, I'm the fairest of them all.
07:07I have no opinions on Riyadh, no opinions on Rosie Jones, apart from everything is fine.
07:11Okay, so everything this evening, as far as I'm concerned, is fine.
07:14The wrestling will be fine.
07:16Your performance will be fine-ish.
07:18I think we're excited for a good night, Ivo.
07:20It's good to know that if anyone loses control of the narrative, Greg will be there to catch us all up on the latest things.
07:25Yes.
07:27Sarah, anything more about your bra size or should we crack on?
07:31How did you use it as my bra size?
07:34No, it was lucky you cut me off because I was going to talk about the effect of breastfeeding on them.
07:38Do you want to chat about that a little bit longer?
07:44No.
07:48And now, without any further ado, please welcome your roving reporters.
07:53Matthew the pacifist Crosby and Olga Rock Hardcock.
07:57What a night!
08:11Good evening!
08:13What a pleasure to be here with you.
08:14You've been roving already, everyone's very excited to see you.
08:16But Matthew, you are famously a pacifist.
08:19Are you ready for the kind of violence that we're all going to witness in this ring tonight?
08:22Yes, I'm Matthew the pacifist Crosby for Clash of the Comics and I'm not saying I want to see a comedian die here on stage tonight, but wouldn't it be great to just have like one less podcast?
08:37Do you want to nominate a podcast? Off Menu's done enough episodes.
08:43Off Menu would clear a lot of room for the rest of us!
08:48What kind of mischief are you expecting to find backstage tonight, Matthew and Olga?
08:52Well, tonight we want to answer the question on everybody's lips.
08:56Who is in Ed Gamble's secret gang, Gamblers Anonymous?
09:00He claims it's his closest friends, comedians and wrestlers?
09:05If it was his closest friends, I would have got at least a text.
09:09That stings.
09:12But no, it seems to be just two wrestlers that he's paid to hang out with him.
09:18What's going on there? We're going to find out.
09:20We're going to go infiltrate some changing rooms. Good night.
09:23I'm not allowed to do that anymore.
09:24We will see you shortly, Matthew and Olga.
09:26But it is now time for our first match.
09:29People of the Apollo, are you ready for your first Rumble of the Eden?
09:35In which case, it gives you great pleasure to announce,
09:37and this is delicately phrased due to copyright issues.
09:40Let the rumbling commence!
09:45Who am I?
09:46I'm the howl of the wind over Ilkleymore.
09:49I am Nina Samuels, the Comedian Slayer.
09:52I am the millstone grit of the Pennines.
09:55I slay comedians and, well, I just slay.
09:59I am the iron spine of Middlesbrough's docks.
10:03And once again, I will show everyone why Clash of the Comics is,
10:07and will always be, the Nina Samuels show.
10:10I am Maisie Adam, Queen of the North.
10:15Based in Brighton, but still very much Queen of the North.
10:25A quick word from our commentary team.
10:27Any favourites in this one?
10:28Well, I don't have any favourites, ever.
10:29Of course.
10:30No, I don't hate or love anything.
10:32I'm completely numb.
10:33Absolute company shill.
10:36Nina Samuels, she's the Comedian Slayer,
10:39or so it says on this piece of paper I was handed by a van
10:42just before the show started.
10:45We've all been handed pieces of paper.
10:47If it was to get as far into the night without referencing them as possible.
10:53Your first contestant, and we're very excited to have your first contestant.
10:56Breaking news, Rosie Jones has been attacked by a mystery assailant.
10:59Oh, Rosie, I couldn't lay down to you with this thing I swear on my life.
11:03I will avenge your death.
11:06I'm not dead.
11:08I know, but it sounds more dramatic.
11:10Hold on, there's Clash of the Comics doctor, Adam Kay.
11:12Dr. Kay, I'd like to ask you about a surprise hit.
11:15Well, what can I say?
11:16My book was a humorous but heartfelt depiction of life on the front lines of indestructible...
11:20Not bad, Adam, although we are very proud of you.
11:22Look at this.
11:23Poker chips found at the scene of the crime.
11:25The sinks of the gambler.
11:27Will Rosie Jones be able to compete in the tag team tornado?
11:30Stay tuned.
11:32Rosie, Rosie, how many critically acclaimed best-selling books can you see?
11:38There won't be a lot of people in the Apollo tonight saying,
11:41I was expecting most of them, but Adam Kay was a real twist.
11:44So, we go again, entering the ring with a joke that I thought was going to be my joke,
11:50but it's very much already been covered.
11:52The Queen of the North, based in Brighton.
11:55Give it up for Maisie Adam!
11:57Maisie Adam!
11:58GE characteristic fever.
11:59Parisian
12:04勢いける
12:37Fair play, Maisie. It's a long walk and you absolutely nailed it.
12:47I know from recent experience just how long that walk starts to feel around the middle.
12:53And now, please welcome her opponent, the comedian slayer, Nina Samuel!
13:37Do you like the more now she's taken the hat off, Greg?
14:00It's sometimes unclear to us which bits of what we're saying are broadcasting to the
14:05room.
14:06I've just realised it's all of it.
14:09If anyone was recording any of that, I have never taken GAC.
14:14We'll watch it for you.
14:16We'll watch your hat.
14:17Firstly, not the boss of us.
14:19And Maisie, tear a new one.
14:21LAUGHTER
14:22You're a bad guy.
14:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:29They've gone straight into a glitch.
14:32She's giving it a side cheek squeeze, maybe the ears being squished.
14:36OK, Maisie, you've got to do better than this.
14:38You're on this.
14:39Come on, come on.
14:40Maisie's gone straight into the corner.
14:42She is conducting herself with the swagger of someone who knows they're about to see a
14:45Taskmaster bump in tour sales.
14:47LAUGHTER
14:48Oh, look, she's winning.
14:54Maisie looks really good.
14:56That's really good.
14:57Maisie!
14:58She's attempting to goad the crowd.
15:01Nina just composing herself for a second before Maisie unleashes hell.
15:05Sounds as cool as a kick comes up.
15:06Maisie!
15:07Maisie!
15:08Maisie!
15:09Oh!
15:11Are you going to kick in wrestling?
15:12Yes, you can kick.
15:13You can kick in wrestling.
15:15We're in a headlock here, OK?
15:16Situation.
15:17She's doing something with her fingers to her face.
15:19Is that allowed?
15:20Yeah, there's some gouging in there.
15:21OK.
15:22Also...
15:22Maisie, stop her!
15:24What the referee can't see, don't hurt anyone, apart from obviously the person getting gouged.
15:29OK, this isn't good.
15:31Maisie's face has got quite red.
15:32Oh, that's a huge toast-down technique there.
15:37Whoa!
15:38The reverse clothesline!
15:41Oh, no.
15:41The crowd's showing their disappointment there.
15:43Good work, Nina Samuels.
15:45Maisie, get up.
15:46Oh!
15:47Oh!
15:48Wowee!
15:49Mixer!
15:50Slayer!
15:51You're the idiot!
15:52OK, turning the crowd, she's a slayer.
15:53Oh!
15:54Oh!
15:55She's got her out of the neck now.
15:56This is really good.
15:57Once I do support the bad guys, I admire Maisie's treachery.
16:01Maybe whisper something in her ear to dense her confidence, Maisie.
16:04She's a very arrogant woman.
16:06OK!
16:07She will not be moved.
16:10She will not be moved.
16:12She's very sturdy, isn't she?
16:14Oh!
16:15Dodged up.
16:16Missed up.
16:17Oh!
16:18Oh!
16:19It's a move called the alt switcheroo.
16:20There's a pin.
16:21Two.
16:22Oh!
16:23And she's kicked out.
16:24OK.
16:25Thank goodness for that.
16:26Look, that was...
16:27It's ringing the bell.
16:28The bell was rung by accident.
16:32Ignore the bell.
16:33Wrestlers and crowd ignore the bell.
16:35Occasionally, Silpots will lose focus.
16:38Coming up, Maisie and Nina settle it once and for all.
16:42Plus, James A. Custer's surprise opponent is revealed.
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