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BBC New Comedy Awards - Season 2025 Episode 7 -
Final
Final
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00This is the BBC New Comedy Awards Belfast what you saying please give it up for the lovely Dane Buckley
00:17Welcome to the BBC New Comedy Awards
00:24This is the gorgeous Belfast heat and we're here in the gorgeous Mandela Hall
00:28Are you ready for a great night?
00:33I love Belfast. I'm half Irish half Indian and my ex is from Belfast. I used to spend a lot of time here
00:38Mainly the Dirty Onion. Anyone know that venue? A name I used to dance under
00:45But it's a great great place. I love dating a Belfast lad, but they make some really weird sounds like he used to say stuff like
00:52I used to follow him around the flat with WD-40
00:55I'm also really in touch with my Irish roots. Honestly, I think Irish Mammies should be available on the NHS
01:02They're absolutely iconic. I went to a strict convent school. Our Lady of Perpetual Indulgence
01:10Is what the priests used to call me
01:13She knew the Indian side would win in the kitchen, but she wanted the Irish side to win in the culture
01:18So she sent me to Ireland for my summers. She sent me to the Gueltoc in Donegal
01:21So growing up, I learned Irish and Irish is a gorgeous language and like nothing sounds like what you initially think it should mean
01:27Like listen to this
01:28Nilsim de laida gom so oisne sa kyanthor
01:30Nilsim de laida gom so oisne sa kyanthor
01:33Which sounds like you're saying like ready the war between the elves and the centaurs
01:37But it means I have no interest in the local facilities
01:43And if you know anything about a gay man, we'd love a local facility
01:47Trying to catch the eye of a good-looking man, but it's there's a lot of people out of town. I think
01:53A lot of lads that look like they've got lovely personalities. I think
01:59You are in for a gorgeous night. Are you ready for it?
02:02Yeah
02:05Now some of it is on you guys you're going to need to feed comedians with your laughter with your clapping with your smiles
02:11We don't necessarily need any of the straight men with the folded arms and the angry bird eyebrows
02:16Let those eyebrows free put down the arms smile and it'll be a gorgeous gorgeous night now. We can't do it alone
02:22We need judges don't we we need judges so i'm going to introduce our judges now
02:26Please welcome to the stage our judges fatiha al-ghori allison spittle and william thompson
02:48I'm gonna call it. I think it's the best looking year this year
02:52Am I right?
02:53Fatih al-ghori head judge. How you doing?
02:56I'm, all right. I'm looking for this is the first time i've been to belfast is it yeah
03:00I know i love it. I love it. I'm gonna move here when I find a husband
03:05I will fight you for a husband with you and me afterwards honestly
03:08But I know that's true because you've been saying what a lovely day you've had so far
03:11Well, welcome to belfast the irish are known for their crack. They're known for their warm welcome
03:15How is it behind the scenes how the comedians doing backstage they seem all right?
03:20They're like vibing joking with each other laughing with each other obviously they're going to be nervous
03:24Yeah, but you need adrenaline to do what we do. What are your tips for helping people when they're nervous?
03:30Just to like remember who you are
03:33You know like you're a comedian in your heart and your soul
03:36And don't forget that and you're a comedian no matter what happens at this at the end of this
03:41Heat today and not to forget that and remember you've done this a million times
03:45So just do it like you do it always give it up for fatia
03:48On to queen of comedy alison spittle listen, what are you looking for specifically tonight?
03:58I'm looking for a bit of pizzazz
04:01I think like everyone's gonna be funny, but you just need that like extra
04:05That extra thing that you can't quite put your finger on
04:07Yeah, welcome to belfast alison spittle
04:14Now we're in his hometown welcome william thompson. How you doing it back in your city. How are you?
04:19I've never left it
04:22It's lovely to be here. I have thrown up in this place many many times
04:28Now you won your heat in 2021. How did that feel?
04:31It was really exciting. I thought it would open a lot of doors it didn't
04:35But I didn't know that at the time
04:40But now you're on the telly now you're on bbc looking good my my at great to be back here
04:45Well, this is absolutely gorgeous. So we're getting near to the time. We've met our gorgeous judges. Are you ready belfast?
04:53Welcome to the stage our first comedian
04:56Owen Collins
05:05How are we doing? I'm Owen. I recently moved to the UK folks, right? And I've got neighbors upstairs
05:15They're both from London
05:17I always hear them fucking
05:20Fuck it
05:21Just like my ancestors
05:23I know the British are coming
05:25Um, I like it in the UK. I started doing therapy there folks
05:37Learned a lot about myself, right? I get very anxious
05:41Buying condoms
05:43Because I had a pretty bad experience
05:45When I was 16
05:50I lost my virginity
05:53Virginity baby
05:56To a girl her name was Jennifer
06:00She said let's do it while my parents are at work
06:05The pharmacist would not sell me the robes
06:09Get the fuck away from my daughter
06:15I've become a bit more self-aware folks
06:23And I like that because I think I can come across a bit laddish
06:27Right? And I just want the ladies in the room to know that I am on your side, right?
06:32And personally, I think it is far more common nowadays for men to be feminists
06:38None of you dickheads are going to back me up here at all
06:42What's your name here mate?
06:43Aiden
06:44Aiden, Aiden, how are you?
06:45Aiden, you look like someone who respects women
06:47Am I incorrect in that assumption?
06:48Yeah, I hope so
06:54Aiden, you better fucking know a pal, okay?
06:57But that wasn't fair
06:58I ambushed you there with that question
07:00I'll give you a chance to redeem yourself, okay?
07:02Would you like that?
07:03Right, what I'd ask you to do
07:04If you consider yourself to be an ally, Aiden
07:06Right, just pop your hand high up there in the air
07:08Good man
07:09And listen, any other men who feel the same
07:11Follow suit with Aiden
07:13Anybody else brave enough
07:14Gents, there's nothing to be ashamed of
07:16Good man
07:17Back here
07:18Now, gents, leave them up there in the air
07:21Ladies really take in those male feminists, right?
07:24Those are the most dangerous fuckers
07:37I gave you a chance Aiden, you know
07:42It's important to take ownership over what you do and what you say, right?
07:46I've always felt that way
07:48Unless you've got something to blame
07:52Disney
07:55Right?
07:55I don't think I should have ever been allowed to watch Sleeping Beauty
07:59What was the message there?
08:01The only way to make sure a woman feels truly alive is to kiss her
08:05While she's unconscious
08:10And I level with Aiden, right?
08:11I was very, very young
08:12Nan was in the casket
08:13It was an honest mistake
08:25It's confusing to call it a wick
08:29Thank you, Alison
08:36I, uh, I'm gonna leave now, folks, right?
08:38But I wanna leave on, like, an upbeat note
08:41My best friend passed away
08:46And my therapist, right, had a really, really good suggestion, right?
08:50She said, why don't you try and write a song in his voice to help you get through?
08:54Because we used to sing together a lot
08:56And I did that
08:57And I'll leave it here
08:59And, uh, this particular line was inspired by the most profound thing that he ever said to me
09:04Ahem
09:23Thank you very much, folks
09:30Give it up for Owen Collins
09:35Keep that clap going
09:36Welcome to the stage
09:37Pruvanya Pillai
09:44Hey, Ralph Bass, it's great to be here
09:46How we doing?
09:49Brilliant
09:50Anyone single in?
09:50We got any single people in?
09:53That's okay
09:53You'll find someone
09:55I believe in you
09:56I believe in you
09:57I'm single too
09:58At the moment
09:59And I'm dating
09:59But I've got a new rule for dating, right?
10:02I've decided that I only want to date brown guys
10:05Okay
10:06There we go
10:08I'll tell you what
10:08Because most men don't want to commit, right?
10:11But with brown guys
10:12Their mums will make them
10:16Like, when you're dating a brown guy
10:17You're dating a guy with a boss
10:18You know, there's a chain of command there
10:20Because if we're at dinner and he's like
10:21I don't want to label this
10:22I'm going to be like
10:23Well, I'm going to need to talk to your manager
10:24He goes home to his mum
10:27Like, I broke up with that girl
10:28Because I don't know who I am
10:29And I don't know what I want
10:30And she's like
10:30Oh, I think you want me to die of shame
10:34You feckless whore
10:37He texts me like
10:37I made a mistake
10:38I'm like, I know
10:39She already messaged
10:40Don't worry
10:41We've been Facebook friends a while
10:44And I kind of can't wait to be a mum
10:45You know, because I think mums are quite scary
10:47And I need some of that energy
10:48Like, I'm too approachable at the moment
10:51People keep asking me for help at shops
10:53I don't work in
10:56It's a nightmare
10:57Now, I don't want to be liked anymore
10:58You know, I want to be feared
10:59Like, my mum
11:00She's feared, right?
11:01And people just do whatever she says
11:04Like, she got my dad to link his Fitbit to her phone
11:08So she could track his heart rate
11:11We were walking upstairs and he was like
11:12Wait
11:14If it goes too high, she thinks I'm cheating
11:18I asked her about it, you know
11:19I did, I asked her about it
11:20She was like
11:20A married man shouldn't go above 70 beats per minute
11:24What's he getting so excited for?
11:27This lady is an evil genius
11:28It's amazing
11:29I think if she had one wish
11:31It would be to body swap with my therapist
11:32So that during the session she could be like
11:34Is your mum controlling or does she just know what's best?
11:36My mum doesn't really like that I do therapy
11:40Which is fair enough
11:41Because the therapist does not like her
11:45Not at all
11:46But I don't know if I want to do therapy anymore though
11:48Because I'm spending £50 to hear someone call my mum emotionally manipulative
11:52And I can get that from my dad for free
11:55It's crazy
11:56But as I said before I have been dating
11:59It hasn't really been going my way
12:00Because I do feel like most men want something casual
12:02And I want a son
12:04I want a little boy
12:09I want a little boy
12:10And I'll treat him better than my little girl
12:12And the cycle will continue
12:14That's my big plan
12:15I'm really honest as well about what I want
12:17Like when I go on dates
12:18You know I tell the guy
12:18You know I'm looking for something serious
12:20I want kids
12:21I told a guy that recently
12:22And he was like
12:23Whoa
12:24I'm only 38
12:28I might do a creative writing masters next year
12:30So I've got to keep the schedule clear
12:33But I don't know
12:34Maybe we can keep hanging out
12:35And see what this turns into
12:37Yeah I don't think it's going to turn into a son
12:39This guy isn't giving me son vibes
12:43But it's tough to be a girl
12:44You know it's difficult to be a girl
12:45I feel like there's a lot of pressure on girls to fit in
12:47Like I found that at uni
12:49I went to the University of Bristol
12:51And there was just so much pressure on me there
12:53To be a mentally ill activist
12:57You know like loads
12:58Like all we did was protest and cut our own hair
13:02We'd be like what do we want?
13:06A fringe
13:08Maybe a buzz cut would make me happy
13:10I don't know
13:12All my friends at uni were white
13:13And I feel like every group of white activists
13:15Has one brown girl
13:17Just desperately trying to hide the fact that her dad's a landlord
13:26It's a secret shame we carry with us
13:27All my friends would be like
13:28Landlords are Nazis
13:30You know
13:31And I mean my dad
13:32He does watch a lot of World War II documentaries
13:35I'd go home to him like
13:36Which side are you on old man?
13:37Like I had this big fight with him
13:39I tried to get him to give away the profit
13:40And he was like there is no profit
13:42It goes to cover the cost of the mortgage
13:45But when you inherit it
13:46There will be
13:48So then you can give it away
13:49I don't know
13:53I don't know
13:53After all his hard work
13:56Nah, I think I have different friends by then
13:58You know
13:59All right
13:59Thank you very much
13:59I've been Pravanya Pillay
14:06Give it up once again for Pravanya Pillay
14:08Now stop making some noise
14:13And welcome to the stage
14:14Vinnie Hsu
14:22Hi guys, nice to be here
14:24My name is Vinnie
14:25My last name is spelt S-H-I-U
14:29So my pronouns are she, you
14:31My middle name is Ting
14:35Please
14:36Don't call me Peng Ting
14:40That is my mum's name
14:42As for my dad
14:43He also has quite a stereotypical name
14:45His name is Sha Wai Ping
14:47Which translates to
14:50James
14:53You could probably tell from my eyes
14:55That I grew up in
14:56Portsmouth
14:57Portsmouth
15:00Portsmouth has a lot in common with Northern Ireland
15:02It's a very diverse place
15:04I remember growing up there
15:05There were all sorts of people
15:06Ranging from white men to
15:09White women
15:13I actually grew up in a little village called
15:16White Lee
15:20I think it was just called white before
15:21After my family moved there
15:22They added in the Lee
15:23I'm born and raised in the UK
15:28Which means that everything about me is white
15:31Apart from my face and my penis
15:35That's like having all the whiteness
15:36But none of the privileges
15:39In fact, my mum
15:39She likes to call me a banana, right?
15:42Because I'm yellow on the outside
15:45And she thinks I look bent as fuck
15:47Direct quote that is
15:56I remember growing up in White Lee
15:58A lot of the kids they had big dreams
15:59Dreams of being directors, CEOs, politicians
16:02My dream was to be white
16:06So that I could be a director, CEO or a politician
16:11Give me a cheer if you're a member of the LGBT community
16:14Welcome guys
16:17The thing that confuses me about LGBTQIA plus
16:21Is why is it not in alphabetical order?
16:25Instead it's ordered by the popularity of the porn categories
16:31More porn people on this side today
16:34This guy's pretending like he doesn't know what I'm talking about
16:38Let me try and break it down for you if you're confused
16:39On one end you have lesbian porn
16:41Which is the gateway porn for most young men
16:43On the other side you have asexual porn
16:45Which is um
16:47Just the vlog
16:50YouTube, KSI, Gordon Ramsay, kitchen nightmares
16:55I know you're not supposed to pick favorites
16:56But I like the G's
16:58They're cool
16:58They party well
16:59They dress well
17:00But it's hard for me because my dad
17:02He's a little bit homophobic
17:04But he's homophobic in a subtle way, right?
17:06I remember on the car journeys on the way to school
17:09He used to turn on the radio
17:10And be like, oh, George Michael
17:14Great musician, but
17:27Next track
17:28Oh, Elton John
17:30Rocket man, but
17:37I'll be like, Dad, that's a bit homophobic
17:39What's wrong with George Michael and Elton John?
17:41He'd say, they wear sunglasses inside
17:44Just losers
17:46Thank you so much for having me
17:48I love doing stand-up comedy
17:50But I was very nervous when my parents came to a show of mine for the first time, right?
17:53I remember going up to my dad, I said, Dad, what did you, what did you think of the comedy, right?
17:58He said, uh, your joke's okay, however you
18:06Thank you very much, my name's Vinnie Xu
18:08Peace out, see you later
18:12Give it up once again for Vinnie Xu
18:14Welcome to the stage, the gorgeous Liana Halston
18:26Hello, hi, hello
18:29My name is Liana, I'm an American
18:32I'm so sorry
18:35I also have to apologize that I will be standing a little bit still for the duration of my time with you
18:42Because I fell down the stairs this weekend
18:47Which was so dumb
18:49While it was happening, I was like
18:56No one's doing this anymore
18:58Falling down the stairs
19:03That's been done
19:05How passe
19:07To fall down the stairs
19:10I was falling for such a prolonged time
19:15That I had time during the fall to have the full thought
19:20This is ridiculous
19:24How is it still going on?
19:28Are you there, God?
19:30It's me, Liana, from the stairs
19:34Let's wrap it up
19:36It's too much
19:38My self-esteem, much like my body vis-a-vis those stairs
19:43Has been low
19:44Of late
19:45And I just keep getting kicked while I'm down
19:48I went into the pharmacist over the winter
19:49I said, hello
19:50Are you still doing flu shots?
19:52Flu jabs?
19:53And the pharmacist looked at me
19:59Which is important to the story
20:00And they said, oh, are you under 65 years of age?
20:04It felt the same as the violent speed with which a Sainsbury's employee will press the
20:16visibly over 25 button at self-checkout
20:21And you're like, whoa
20:23We could have taken a little bit longer
20:29On our way there
20:30We could have paused for even a micro moment
20:34To pretend to wonder if this woman had lived for less than a quarter of a century
20:40But no, I walk in
20:43They say, hag, 12 o'clock
20:47The oldest woman alive
20:51Purchasing a CBD beverage
20:55I say, please, I'm almost 65
20:58It's for my bones
21:00Something that's actually been amazing for my self-esteem is I now work in finance
21:04Ha ha
21:04I work in reception
21:11Because I'm just a woman
21:15And the first thing I was trained in at the hedge fund
21:18Was how to prepare a cappuccino
21:20For a man going into a meeting
21:24Men are very important
21:27You are
21:28And if we don't
21:29If we don't prepare their coffees for them with a tiny spoon
21:32At a 45 degree angle on the saucer upon which their mug rests
21:37They'll kill us
21:40My, listen
21:42I don't normally end sets with a brag
21:44But I will because it's the BBC
21:46Thank you
21:47And God bless
21:51My new year's resolution was to get my cheeks clapped respectfully
21:58And I'm extremely pleased to share with you today
22:01That I very recently accomplished that resolution
22:07It was when I fell down the stairs this weekend
22:10I've been Liana Holston
22:11Thank you so much
22:16Make some noise for Liana Holston
22:19Welcome to the stage, Jim Mitch
22:22When I say Ignisius, you say rocks
22:30Ignisius
22:31Ignisius
22:32Ignisius
22:33Rox
22:33Good evening, I'm Jim Mitch
22:37Expert geologist
22:39GCSE
22:42Formerly working at the Royal College of Wooden Basset
22:45Teaching geology under head teacher Mr Slark
22:49Any fans of rocks in?
22:52What's your favourite rock, sweetheart?
22:56Grow up
22:59Can I confess?
23:00Yeah
23:01I said, can I confess?
23:02Yeah
23:02Yeah
23:03I found out that Mr Slark was having an affair with my girl Janine
23:09And it made me particularly angry
23:14So what I've been doing to combat that anger is hanging out in the Asda car park
23:22Making drill music
23:25Yes, please DJ
23:26Jim
23:29Jim
23:29Mitch
23:30Jim
23:31Mitch
23:31Jim
23:33Mitch
23:33I'm Jim fucking Mitch
23:35If I see Mr Slark in the car park, then I'm gonna knock his head off
23:38Wait
23:40No
23:41I don't want to lose my rag about it.
24:00One thing I've been doing to quell my anger is writing poetry.
24:03Would you like to hear some of my poems?
24:04This first one is called Honest Thoughts on Redundancy.
24:13Oh, Mr Slark, let's go for a forgiving walk around the park.
24:20Fat prick.
24:23This next one's about romance.
24:27Come on, Jim, get back out there!
24:30It's just a quick one.
24:31This last one is called Janine, You Rock My World.
24:40In geology, I particularly like staglomites,
24:43but not as much as you, Janine, in your fishnet ties.
24:49There is absolutely nothing in the fridge.
24:53Now...
24:58So, this last song is dedicated to Janine.
25:02It's called Lanyard.
25:03Yes, please, DJ.
25:05Sing along with you in other words, all right?
25:06Love to.
25:07Flash, flash, flash, flash.
25:16Flash, flash.
25:17You see this thing swinging around my neck?
25:19It's a lanyard.
25:21Show me some respect.
25:24My lanyard swings left to right.
25:27You want to make a move, baby, make it all right.
25:30This is my power.
25:32I'll let you hold it for one hour.
25:35Do you like Melania?
25:38Melania.
25:39Melania.
25:41Melania.
25:42Do you like Melania?
25:44Melania.
25:46Hey.
25:46Come on, Belfast, let me hear you.
25:48Do you like Melania?
25:51Melania.
25:52Melania.
25:54Do you like my mother-humping Melania?
25:57Melania.
25:59My name's Jim Midge.
26:01You've been a fantastic crowd.
26:02Good night.
26:02Give it up for Jim Midge.
26:11I am never looking at Latin Yards to say...
26:13Now, that's all of our comedians here tonight.
26:17So, judges, you are now going off to debate.
26:20Are you ready?
26:21Yeah.
26:21Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for our judges.
26:23Yes!
26:34Wow.
26:36Are you still speaking?
26:38Just about.
26:40Free my lawyers.
26:41Fatia, how was that for you?
26:44It's hard, man.
26:45These are so hard.
26:46Like, the standard's so high, you know?
26:48We'd put them all through, but we're under strict instructions to only pick one.
26:52So, Fatia, you've picked a finalist.
26:55Yes, we have.
26:56Right.
26:56Please welcome Fatia El-Ghori up to the stage!
26:58Hello, Habibi.
27:08Now, on to the business at hand.
27:10You've chosen a winner.
27:12Yes, we've chosen the winner.
27:14Like I said, this has been really hard, because they're all so good.
27:17The standard is crazy.
27:19They should all be proud of themselves, whether they get through or not.
27:23They've all done great.
27:24So, the winner of the Belfast, he is Pravanya Pillai!
27:29Yay!
27:40Thank you very much.
27:42Well done!
27:45Give it up for your winner!
27:49Oh, my God.
27:50First off, how well we've matched to the colour scheme here tonight.
27:54That's the real thing, isn't it?
27:56My mum picked this outfit.
27:57Oh, your parents here tonight!
27:58Just my mum.
27:59My dad doesn't like comedy.
28:00Oh, OK.
28:01That's why you're a comedian, obviously, yeah.
28:03How do you feel?
28:04A bit bloated, but good.
28:06Like, good all round.
28:07Fatia, do you have any advice for Pravanya in the final?
28:10I would just say, just do exactly what you did.
28:12Just be yourself, do your comedy, and yeah, what will be, will be.
28:17Well done.
28:18It was great.
28:18Thanks so much.
28:19Ladies and gentlemen, give it up!
28:20I'm your winner!
28:23Give it up to our judges!
28:26All of the other comedians that performed tonight.
28:29And your gorgeous selves.
28:33Good night, Bell Class!
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