- 2 days ago
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00:30Oh, my God.
01:00Are you going to scarper a fair parsley, sage, rosemary, and a dash of lemon juice?
01:20Hello, it's me.
01:21Just a little squirt.
01:22Hi.
01:23Of lemon juice.
01:24Well, it's some sort of stew, is it?
01:26The demi-poussin farci, à la belle époque.
01:30Spring chicken with fresh chanterelle mushrooms and vile stuffing.
01:34Have you got any baked beans?
01:36Do you know, there are only three men in the world who can cook this to perfection.
01:38Don't know who the other two are.
01:40Cartless baked beans.
01:41Yeah, I don't want the tins, just the labels.
01:42Oh, that's a novelty.
01:43Labels on toast.
01:45No, no, no, they're running a competition, you see.
01:47A fortnight in Barbados if you can eat three tins of cartless baked beans.
01:50Oh, it's not worth it.
01:51Oh, you have to do a bit more than that.
01:52Well, listen, three tins, you won't be able to stop yourself.
01:55Sorry, we haven't got any.
01:56Hello, what's that smell?
01:57Mr. Roper's here.
01:58Hello.
01:59Oh, evening.
02:00You're cooking something expensive, aren't you?
02:02Look, will you stop pricing my aromas?
02:04Listen, we're supposed to be cutting down on our grocery bills.
02:06Oh, well, baked beans are cheap.
02:07Look, it's only a chicken.
02:08Especially cartless.
02:09Oh.
02:10Yeah, well, I'll leave it to it, son.
02:12What did he want?
02:13Oh, you know, the usual thing, baked bean labels.
02:15Hey, there's veal in here as well as chicken, as well as mushrooms.
02:18No, no, it's not that expensive.
02:20Why don't you get a whole hog, Krugerrands and chips?
02:23I can smell brandy in it, too.
02:25Now, can I help it if they sell me a drunken chicken?
02:29Listen, we've put on five pounds between us since you've been on holiday.
02:32Oh, I see, that's it, is it?
02:33That's what you're niggling about.
02:34It's the food.
02:35Because it's delicious.
02:37Exactly.
02:37And you can't resist it.
02:38Right, you're too good.
02:39Right, well, we'll soon sort that out.
02:41Tonight, we will have cheese and biscuits.
02:44And I shall sling this lot out here.
02:48Go ahead.
02:50You don't think I'll do it, do you?
02:52I will.
02:53I shall sling this lot in the bucket.
02:56Wasted.
02:57Gone.
02:58In this bucket here.
03:00A whole mouth-watering meal.
03:04Gone.
03:04In this bucket.
03:05Here.
03:07I'll do it, you know.
03:08I will.
03:11You wouldn't let me do it, would you?
03:14You talk me out of it.
03:15Go on, sit down.
03:17Look, we can't afford to eat like this every night.
03:19I mean, avocado pear with prawns.
03:22No, no, no, actually, yes, it does look like it, I do admit.
03:25But what in fact it is, it's knitted protein made out of recycled soy beans.
03:30It's dirt cheap.
03:31Oh, it's delicious.
03:34Oh, yes, a nice cheap white wine.
03:36Chateau rubbish.
03:37Oh, yes, you will be amused by its brutality.
03:40Do you know how much our grocery bill was last week?
03:43Mmm.
03:44Oh, it's dreadful.
03:46Nearly 16 pounds.
03:48We can't go on like this.
03:50Not with only two of us bringing in money.
03:52Oh, so that's it, is it?
04:00Hey, there's one here.
04:01Mm-hmm.
04:01A full and satisfying career for a young man.
04:05Oh, it's in Abu Dhabi.
04:06Oh, that's no good.
04:07I mean, it would cost too much in bus fares, wouldn't it?
04:09Besides, see, I just want a little temporary job,
04:11a little holiday job, you know, snow shifting.
04:14In the middle of August?
04:16Exactly, there'd be no competition.
04:19Hey, why don't you be a postman?
04:22Well, it's better than walking the streets.
04:25What happened to your student grant, anyway?
04:27Well, you know, it is.
04:28It run out by the end of the month.
04:29Supposed to last four months.
04:31Don't remind me.
04:32Bathroom's free.
04:33Have you seen anything worth going for yet?
04:35Uh, no, not yet.
04:36But if you'd like to lean a little bit more forward,
04:38I propose to...
04:38Can't stop that.
04:40You've got to get some money.
04:41Oh, I see.
04:42You're that sort of girl, are you?
04:44Hey, this one sounds all right.
04:46Wanted for part-time work.
04:48Go-ahead, young man.
04:49Must be willing to earn up to £100 a week.
04:51Well, so far, that is me.
04:53Phone International Educational Services on 246-8041.
04:58Now, now, now.
05:00What, they want you to phone three times?
05:03Well, give it a go.
05:04Find out what it's about.
05:05Yeah, so that's all right.
05:07Listen, you can't phone up for a job looking like that.
05:12I'll tell you what I'll do.
05:14I'll cover the mouthpiece so they can't see me, all right?
05:16Well, at least make your voice sound neat and tidy.
05:19Oh, boy, oh, boy.
05:21Hello, gov.
05:23I'm not saving scruff here in my dressing gown.
05:25Oh, International Educational Services.
05:27Good morning.
05:29And then place a slice of cucumber,
05:32a reage eyelid,
05:33and relax for 20 minutes.
05:35Oh, love.
05:46Oh, you're back.
05:47You're up before your breakfast this morning.
05:49Yeah.
05:50I've been down to the eye road.
05:51I had to get...
05:53Well, what's this, then?
06:01It's for wrinkles round the eyelids, George.
06:04Oh, yeah?
06:05Well, it's working.
06:05You've got quite a few there.
06:06Oh, yeah.
06:10All right, let's see what we have to do.
06:13Yeah, how do you fancy a fortnight in Barbados, Miltie?
06:15What?
06:16Yeah, I've got the form here.
06:17Four-star hotel, swimming pool,
06:20balcony overlooking the sea.
06:21Well, Bader, so we always go to Skate Ness.
06:24Yeah, I know, and I'm getting fed up with it.
06:26Yeah?
06:26Dancing every night, own private beach.
06:29George, it'll be marvellous.
06:30All I've got to do is answer 10 easy questions
06:32and send them in with the labels.
06:33Oh, George.
06:35Yeah.
06:35I've got the entry form from Tesco.
06:37And where do you get those labels from?
06:38Well, the same place.
06:40They sort of accidentally peeled off the tin
06:41as I was passing.
06:44George, when have you ever won a competition?
06:46Oh, I got quite close last month,
06:48identifying the eyes of TV personalities.
06:50You've got Marty Feldman wrong.
06:54Yeah, well,
06:55it looked like Amy Turtle.
06:59Hey, stop nagging.
07:00I've got to concentrate now.
07:01Oh, let's see.
07:02Name and address.
07:05Oh.
07:06Yeah.
07:07Oh, my God.
07:07If you can't get that one,
07:08right what time?
07:09It's down the other line.
07:12Do you know,
07:12I don't think Robin's polished these shoes
07:14since he bought them.
07:15I'm not surprised.
07:16They're suede.
07:18Well, I'll clean them, then.
07:19Oh, I can't get these creases right at all.
07:21They start off straight
07:22and then sort of bend inwards from the knees.
07:24So do his legs.
07:26What's the time?
07:27Uh, 11 o'clock.
07:28I might have known.
07:29A year ago,
07:30to this very hour,
07:31I bought this
07:32and the guarantee's just run out.
07:34Well,
07:34you can't go to an interview half-shaved.
07:36Oh, I don't know.
07:37He could walk in sideways
07:38and keep him profile.
07:38Have either of you two got a razor?
07:41No.
07:42But you can have some of that cream
07:43that we use if you like.
07:44I don't think so, Jo.
07:46Hey,
07:46what about tweezers?
07:48Listen,
07:48by the time I pluck this half,
07:49the other half will start growing again.
07:51No,
07:51it's 12 o'clock,
07:52I'll never make it.
07:52You might as well ring him up
07:53and cancel the appointment.
07:54Oh, no,
07:54you don't wriggle out of it that easily.
07:56Get dressed.
07:57I'll borrow Mr. Roper's razor.
07:58Or, if necessary,
07:59Mrs. Roper's.
08:03Question three.
08:05What is the capital of Ecuador?
08:09Yeah, Ecuador.
08:11It's a country, George.
08:13And stop picking your nose.
08:16Can you see through those cucumbers?
08:19But you're always picking your nose.
08:22You know,
08:23I think I'll leave the questions.
08:24I'll go on to the slogan.
08:2615 words or less.
08:27Yeah.
08:28I thought of something this morning.
08:31Hey,
08:31listen to this.
08:32Baked beans
08:33make delicious starters.
08:35Join the happy band of...
08:36George!
08:37Start to tell us.
08:45Hey,
08:46see who it is,
08:46will you, Mildred?
08:47Oh, George,
08:48honestly,
08:48you are a lady hound.
08:51Carter's beans,
08:52a delicious treat.
08:53Get a tin
08:54and eat,
08:55eat, eat.
08:57Morning.
08:58Morning.
08:58Do you have such a thing
08:59as a razor?
09:00Well, no,
09:00I haven't loved,
09:01but John Betchman has.
09:02Come on in.
09:04George,
09:04go and get your razor.
09:06It's not for your legs,
09:07is it?
09:07No,
09:08it's for Robin.
09:08He got halfway through
09:09and it's sort of packed up on him.
09:10Mm,
09:10story of my life.
09:12In the kitchen, George.
09:14Yeah,
09:14all right.
09:16What,
09:16in the kitchen?
09:17Yes,
09:17I was slicing cucumber with it.
09:19God blime,
09:20isn't it,
09:20marvellous,
09:21eh?
09:21Take your tools away.
09:23Actually,
09:23Robin would have come down himself,
09:24but he's got no trousers on.
09:26Oh,
09:26silly boy.
09:27I mean,
09:29after all,
09:29we're all friends here,
09:30aren't we?
09:31And he's going up for this job,
09:32you see,
09:33and we thought he'd better shave first.
09:34Yeah,
09:34he'd better put his trousers on and all.
09:35Quite.
09:36Oh,
09:37look at that.
09:37It's turned green.
09:39Well,
09:39you'd better sharpen it first
09:40before you use it.
09:41Oh,
09:42it's one of those.
09:46Chrissie,
09:47Chrissie,
09:47I'm not sure I'd like this,
09:48you know.
09:49I mean,
09:49I could quite easily do it myself.
09:51Don't be silly,
09:51you've never used one of these before.
09:53You could cut your ear off.
09:54So could you.
09:55Oh,
09:55well,
09:55I'd say I was sorry.
09:56I wouldn't be able to hear you.
09:58Listen.
10:00Chrissie's used one of these before,
10:02you know.
10:02On my grandfather.
10:03Yes,
10:04the one with no nose.
10:07Right,
10:08here we go now.
10:10Here goes.
10:13Chrissie,
10:13Chrissie,
10:14now will you stop,
10:15please,
10:16mucking about?
10:16Yes,
10:17I suppose it's mean to make a joke of it,
10:18isn't it?
10:21Oh,
10:21that's it,
10:22forget it!
10:23Oh,
10:24don't be daft,
10:25it's not dangerous,
10:26I'll prove it to you.
10:27Now,
10:28I've got a balloon here somewhere.
10:29A balloon?
10:31Yes,
10:31a gift from a rich admirer.
10:33Listen,
10:34you don't think you're going to calm me down
10:35by giving me a balloon?
10:37It's the way they train barbers,
10:38they start them off shaving balloons.
10:40I know,
10:40but this doesn't need a shave.
10:43Now,
10:44if I can shave that,
10:45I can shave you.
10:46Yes,
10:46but this is totally different,
10:47I mean,
10:47my face is not the same thing at all.
10:48I mean,
10:49look,
10:49for instance,
10:49this hasn't got high cheekbones,
10:51has it?
10:51It hasn't got a firm,
10:53yet sensitive skin.
10:54No,
10:54it doesn't look terrified either.
10:55Now,
10:55hold it still.
10:56This is ridiculous.
10:58I mean,
10:58this isn't going to prove anything.
10:59It will prove that I have a gentle touch
11:01with a cut throat.
11:02Oh,
11:03gosh.
11:03Oh,
11:04oh,
11:04oh,
11:04oh,
11:05oh,
11:06oh,
11:06oh,
11:06oh,
11:06oh,
11:07oh,
11:07oh,
11:08oh,
11:08oh,
11:08oh,
11:09oh,
11:09oh,
11:09oh,
11:09oh,
11:09oh,
11:09oh,
11:10oh,
11:10oh,
11:11oh,
11:11oh,
11:11oh,
11:16oh,
11:16oh,
11:16oh,
11:17oh,
11:17oh, oh,
11:18oh, oh,
11:18oh, oh, oh,
12:19Come in.
12:25Ah, er, International Educational Services.
12:29Speaking.
12:29Mr. Tripp, 12 o'clock.
12:32Pull up a tea chest, make yourself comfortable.
12:39And you are?
12:41Morris, Mr. Morris.
12:42Please call me Morris.
12:44Pardon?
12:45It's my Christian name as well.
12:47Morris, Morris.
12:49I think my parents really wanted a duplicating machine.
12:51Um, the advertisement did mention £100 a week.
12:58Up two.
12:59Up two.
13:00Let me explain.
13:02IES, International Educational Services, is just starting up in this country.
13:07The parent company in Toledo, Ohio, glass capital of the Midwest, intends to make this office
13:13the focal point of their entire European sales drive when we get some chairs in.
13:19What actually is the job?
13:21Ah, ensuring that the educational needs of our children are catered for.
13:26Promoting the dissemination of knowledge in the comfort of their own home.
13:32Flogging encyclopedias door to door.
13:34Oh, no.
13:35I don't suppose you have a tea bag on you, do you?
13:38I'm sorry.
13:39Never mind.
13:39I'll, er, I'll use this one again.
13:42No, the IES encyclopedia is held in great respect throughout Toledo, Ohio.
13:52Do you have any milk in your pocket, don't I?
13:53No, no.
13:54I'm sorry.
13:55Look, I don't think I'd be very good at flogging encyclopedias.
13:57Um, er, disseminating knowledge door to door.
14:01Piece of cake.
14:02No, I'm sorry.
14:02I haven't got one.
14:05Flogging encyclopedias.
14:06Er, disseminating, er, knowledge.
14:09Now, all you've got to do is get them to fill in this form.
14:12And each sale entitles you to £25 commission.
14:17No, don't hold it like that.
14:18Hold it like this.
14:19With your thumbs over the true higher purchase price.
14:23Not a little bit dishonest?
14:25Shrewd psychology.
14:27We supply you with a complete sales kit, er, forms, er, brochures.
14:32And during the first week, my assistant will accompany you on all calls.
14:36Assistant?
14:37Er, that's me.
14:37Until we expand our sales force.
14:41Now, I could call for you tomorrow, about four o'clock.
14:44Tomorrow's Sunday.
14:45So all the punters will be at home.
14:47The great advantage of a godless society.
14:50Oh.
14:51Sales manual.
14:52Very important.
14:54You must learn that word for word.
14:58For instance, see, I've got to start off by saying,
15:01good afternoon, madam.
15:03What if it's morning?
15:04What if a man answers the door?
15:05Now, provisions have been made for that.
15:07If morning, say, morning.
15:11If potential customer is male, say, sir.
15:16They're not fools, you know this lot here.
15:18Right, now, get up and pretend you're a potential customer.
15:21Right?
15:22Now, door.
15:26Knock, knock.
15:30What are you doing?
15:31That's a peephole.
15:32This is a terribly rough area.
15:33Good morning, stroke afternoon, madam, stroke, sir.
15:39I haven't opened the door yet.
15:40Look, will you stop messing me about, please?
15:42Now, um, I'm conducting an educational survey.
15:47Have you any children?
15:48How dare you?
15:49I'm not even married.
15:49Who's been spreading these filthy rumors?
15:51All right, all right, all right, all right.
15:55I'm in, okay?
15:58Right.
15:59What a lovely...
16:01Just a second.
16:03Three-piece suite.
16:05Pardon?
16:06That's what it's got down here.
16:07It tells you what to say word for word for every occasion.
16:09Really?
16:10Yeah.
16:12Do sit down.
16:14Thank you, madam.
16:17Right.
16:18Now, you may feel, as we do at IES,
16:21that knowledge is the key that opens...
16:24What are you doing?
16:27My husband's been away at sea for 17 months.
16:32Opens every door to a child.
16:35And with our carefully planned...
16:36I'm lonely.
16:38...program, we can provide the basis for a...
16:41Chrissie.
16:45Chrissie, stop blowing in my ear.
16:48I thought your manual was supposed to cover every situation.
16:51Oh, yes.
16:52Yes.
16:52Hang on.
16:53Oh, yes, there it is.
16:54Yes.
16:55I see.
16:56Whoa, hey!
16:58Get off!
16:59Get off!
17:01What?
17:02I'm selling her a set of encyclopedias.
17:05Well, that's obvious.
17:06Now you've explained it.
17:07Get off!
17:08Well, I've got to practice on somebody.
17:10That's just on me.
17:11It looks like fun.
17:12Right.
17:13Now, invisible door.
17:16No peepholes, right?
17:19Knock, knock.
17:21Good afternoon, madam.
17:23Good afternoon.
17:24Could I have a set of encyclopedias, please?
17:28What?
17:28No, no, you'd better make it two sets, just in case I lose one.
17:33No, Joe, Joe, it doesn't work out that way.
17:37I'll just have to try it on the real costume.
17:41Oh, afternoon, son.
17:43You wouldn't happen to know the capital of Etcouardor, would you?
17:46No, but Istanbul used to be Constantinople, if that's any use.
17:50Hey, it's an easy way to find out.
17:52It begins with E, so.
17:54I tried to look it up myself, but it wasn't in the A to Z.
17:57Yeah.
17:59Well, I mean, Ecuador is a little further west than Hounslow, isn't it?
18:04Ah, here we are.
18:05The capital is called Quito, in the province of Pichincha.
18:10Population of 483,847.
18:13Quito.
18:14Chief exports are petroleum, bananas, coffee, sugar, the mainland...
18:18Yeah, yeah, all right, that's fine, that's fine.
18:19That's a very useful book, that, isn't it?
18:21I wouldn't mind having one of them.
18:22Right, now listen, where was I?
18:24You were looking for a real customer.
18:25Oh, yeah.
18:31There you are, Mildred.
18:32A fortnight in Barbados as soon as I post it.
18:35George, you're just wasting a stamp.
18:37I mean, you've got at least one of those answers wrong.
18:39John Wilkes Booth assassinated Abraham Lincoln.
18:42He did not found the Salvation Army.
18:45He might have done afterwards.
18:47He did not.
18:49Well, who did then?
18:49I don't know.
18:51Probably Amy Turtle.
18:52Good afternoon, madam, Mrs. Roper.
19:11I'm conducting an educational survey.
19:14Oh, well, you'd better come in, then.
19:16Um, now, have you any children?
19:23Um, what a lovely three-piece suite.
19:27It's a two-piece, love, and it's all right.
19:29Yes.
19:30Sit down.
19:31Yes.
19:31Now, have you ever wished, madam, Mrs. Roper, that you were more well-informed about, say,
19:43for instance, so, uh, epidemiology?
19:49No, love, no.
19:51Actually, you were supposed to say yes, there.
19:53Oh, I see.
19:54You're selling encyclopedias.
19:55No.
19:56Yes.
19:56I said that's no.
19:57No, no.
19:58I'm under strict instructions not to say.
19:59I mean, say, for instance, here, you see, the Sumatran elephant.
20:02What a fascinating creature.
20:04You know, it's not generally no, but it only mates once a year.
20:07Yes, I know how it feels.
20:10I'll just call the four o'clock post.
20:12Oh, come in, Jumbo.
20:13Mr. Tripp is selling the encyclopedias.
20:19No, no, it's an educational program, actually, and this set can be yours for less than the
20:24price of 80 cigarettes a day.
20:25Oh, yeah?
20:26I don't smoke 80 cigarettes a day.
20:29Well, you could force yourself, George.
20:31Then give it up, and then you get the books for nothing.
20:35If he sells one set of those, he'll get £25 commission.
20:39We can all eat again.
20:41Well, maybe we should buy a set from him.
20:43Oh, yes.
20:51Maurice?
20:52Hello.
20:53Maurice, Maurice?
20:56Hello, hello?
20:59I called here for Mr. Tripp.
21:01Would you be his good lady wife?
21:02Oh, no, but he won't be very long.
21:04Would you like to come in?
21:05Oh, thank you.
21:05Do take a seat.
21:07Oh, they're here, then.
21:09Magnificent set of volumes, aren't they?
21:11Yes.
21:12Oh, that's what you're here about.
21:14Precisely.
21:15Oh, stay there.
21:16Don't move.
21:16I'll go make you a cup of tea.
21:18I think he's got a customer.
21:20What?
21:21Robin.
21:21There's a man in there asking about encyclopedias.
21:24£25.
21:24Make him a cup of tea.
21:25I'm going to.
21:26Hello.
21:28Hello.
21:29Hello.
21:29Mrs. Tripp?
21:30No.
21:30No?
21:31Well.
21:33They're hand-tool leatherette, edged with genuine imitation gold leaf.
21:38And comprehensively illustrated throughout.
21:40And fully indexed in a separate volume.
21:45A constant source of pleasure and profit in any home.
21:50Yes, indeed.
21:52Yes, indeed.
21:54Constant source of pleasure and profit in any home.
21:57Well, I don't think I've got the shelf space, son.
21:59Well, you could always shift your Hank Jansons.
22:01There we are.
22:02Information at your fingertips.
22:03Say, for instance, oh, here.
22:04The anatomy of the human male in full colour.
22:08Oh.
22:11Yes, very interesting.
22:14Mind you, George hasn't got one of those anymore.
22:18One of what?
22:20Appendix.
22:21Oh.
22:22Then, of course, there is, for you, the female anatomy in full colour.
22:31Oh, yeah.
22:32And then, you see, you have the fauna and plants of the British Isles, everything there.
22:38How much do you say this book was?
22:41And with the easy payment plan, anyone can afford them for less than the price of 80 cigarettes a day.
22:46You're absolutely right.
22:48So you'd like to buy a set?
22:50No.
22:51No.
22:52No?
22:53No.
22:54We thought you would.
22:56I'm here to sell them.
22:57To take Mr. Tripp round.
22:59Show him the ropes.
23:00Some of these contracts can be quite complex.
23:03Do you take sugar?
23:05Seven.
23:07I'm here in my capacity as my own assistant, you see.
23:10But Robin's downstairs at this very moment, selling a set all by himself.
23:14But he's untrained.
23:16Right, and they can also sign it, sorry, let me just see, there.
23:21There?
23:21Right.
23:21There, yes.
23:22And also, um, there.
23:25There?
23:25Right.
23:26No, sorry, not there.
23:27I've got to sign that there.
23:29As a witness.
23:30Do I sign this one?
23:32No.
23:33Yes.
23:34No.
23:35Yes.
23:36Yes.
23:37At the bottom there.
23:38At the bottom, right.
23:38Right, and I sign it, thank you, I sign it there, I think.
23:45Well, what about the blue one, love?
23:46Oh, we'd better do that, haven't we?
23:47Just be on the safe side.
23:49Right, you sign it there again, at the bottom there.
23:51Right.
23:51That's right.
23:52No, that bottom there.
23:53That's it.
23:53Yeah.
23:54And that's just about it.
23:56Good afternoon, madam.
23:57I wonder if I could have a word with Mr. Tripp.
23:59What a lovely three-piece suite.
24:01There's no point in going into all that.
24:03It's all been done, and there we are.
24:04The first sale has just been made.
24:07Oh, well done.
24:09Is that your signature?
24:11Yes.
24:12And is that yours, Mr. Roper?
24:14Yeah, that's right.
24:15Well, congratulations.
24:18You are now the proud owner of a set of IES encyclopedias,
24:22and you qualify for £25 commission.
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