- 7 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I'm going down to South Park, gonna have myself a time
00:15Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation
00:18Going down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind
00:21And we're parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbors
00:25Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind
00:28Come on down to South Park there and meet some friends of mine
00:34All right, people, it's almost Thanksgiving
00:43And that means the annual turkey trot is nearly upon us
00:47How is it that we haven't found one sponsor to help pay for this event?
00:52South Park's just fallen on hard times, Mayor
00:55Nobody's got the money
00:56Tegrity Farms used to be a sponsor of the turkey trot
00:59But as you know, we've recently all lost Tegrity
01:02So I'm afraid we just can't help
01:04What about the City Asian Pop-Up Store?
01:07Can't they help sponsor this year's race?
01:10How's shitty Asian pop-up pay for turkey trot?
01:12We gotta pay tariff!
01:14We won't f*** in anybody!
01:15Let's just face it, Mayor
01:17South Park businesses are dying
01:18And a lot of good people have lost their jobs
01:20Trash? Anybody got trash?
01:24Oh, yeah, here's some bank shot
01:25There has to be a solution, people
01:29The turkey trot is the one time of year this town comes together as a community
01:34We all need it now more than ever
01:37Well, of course there is someone who'd be willing to give South Park a bunch of money
01:43I mean, they're giving money to everyone else
01:50Why not us?
01:53My God
01:54That's it!
01:59This Thanksgiving morning
02:01Lace up for holiday fun and tradition
02:04It's the 28th annual South Park Turkey Trot
02:08Sponsored by Saudi Arabia
02:11It's a 5K race absolutely stuffed with Thanksgiving traditions
02:22And the first one across the finish line wins their team $5,000
02:27Sign up your team now
02:37All ages are welcome
02:39Disparaging remarks towards the Saudi royal family are strictly prohibited
02:43Start your Thanksgiving with this time-honored tradition
02:47The South Park Turkey Trot
02:50$5,000, you guys
03:00The winner of this year's Turkey Trot gets $5,000 from Saudi Arabia
03:04Like, if anybody's gonna get money from Saudi Arabia, it should be us
03:08Yeah, dude, I have money from Saudi Arabia
03:10And just one person has to win the race and your whole team gets the money?
03:14Yeah, dude, that is crazy
03:16You could be wicked sick
03:17We should just get a bunch of kids on our team
03:19And then the chances of one of us winning is way better
03:21Yeah, but then you gotta split the prize money more ways
03:23It's true, man
03:24I say we keep our team to four or five runners max
03:27Nobody said we wanted you on the team
03:29Yeah, you kind of slow us down
03:31Oh, no, no, no, trust me
03:32You want me on the racing team
03:34I happen to be an expert in race science, you guys
03:37I know a way to give our team an optimal winning advantage
03:40Token
03:44Hey, man
03:46Listen, I was just wondering whose team you're thinking of being on for the big turkey trot
03:50Turkey trot?
03:52You know the Bigfoot race Thanksgiving morning
03:54First place wins $5,000 for his whole team
03:56Oh, I'm not really a runner
03:58Yeah, right
04:01Of course you're a runner, Token
04:02Sorry, guys, just give me one second
04:04What the hell is he doing?
04:06I don't know
04:07All right, look, Token
04:08I'm a racing science expert, okay?
04:10The data shows your race always wins races
04:12Whoa, whoa, Token, Token
04:15Come on, man, it's Thanksgiving
04:17If you don't want to race for yourself, then do it for the needy
04:20Kenny and Stan
04:21I mean, Stan's family lost their home, dude
04:23Those guys could really use the money
04:25And all the analytics show that with you on the team, we can't lose
04:29Could you just do it for Thanksgiving?
04:32All right, fine
04:33Yes
04:34He said yes
04:35Jesus Christ, Mitch
04:42A $5,000 prize for the turkey trot?
04:45Everyone in town is going to want to do this race
04:48I was kind of thinking of signing the family up, sir
04:50We could really use some of that Saudi Arabian dough
04:53Can't do it, Mitch
04:54We're going to be busy on race day
04:55Sir
04:56The White House is calling again
04:58They're demanding we release the prisoner
04:59Tell them we're busy
05:01But they said if we don't comply, they're going to send in Pete Hegseth and the Department of War
05:05Who's Pete Hegseth?
05:14Yeah! Yeah!
05:18Hey, what's up, guys?
05:19This is Pete Hegseth at the Department of War
05:21We're here to infiltrate this police station and extract a P-O-Y
05:25Because that's what we do!
05:29At ease, soldier
05:30The prison of the United States orders you to release custody of the prisoner to me immediately
05:36I warned you, I had powerful friends
05:41Yeah, well, Totoro still has to be processed and seen by a judge
05:46And we have a big turkey trot to deal with, so it's going to be a few days
05:50Hey, man, I don't think you understand
05:52You're messing with the Department of War
05:54And we mean business
05:56We don't stand down for anyone
05:58Be sure to like and subscribe
05:59All right, let's do this!
06:00All right, I certainly don't want to tangle with you guys
06:06How about you just push the secret button in the floor over here and the jail cell doors will all open
06:12The secret button?
06:14Yeah, it's in the floor right there, you see it?
06:15It's right...
06:16Damn it is!
06:17Now get your little bitch ass out of my town
06:21Oh, you!
06:22I dare you to do that again!
06:25Okay, and did you already register your racing team online?
06:42Yeah, it's Jimbo and Ned. We're racing with the Kiwanis Gun Club
06:46Yes, here you go. Good luck with the race. Happy Thanksgiving and Aisha Khour Saeed
06:52Uh, it's Mackie. Mr. Mackie. Okay, Mr. Mackie. And how many are on your team?
06:59Oh, I'm not on no team, okay? I need that sweet Saudi Arabian money offering myself
07:04All right, guys, we got our racing numbers
07:06Damn, dude, there's so many people signing up. How are we ever going to win?
07:09Don't worry, you guys. I've been scoping out the competition
07:12That group over there is the Rotary Club. They won last year, but they're all like old now
07:15Over there is the city pop-up team. The race science says they'll race smart, but not necessarily fast, so we're good there
07:21Oh, hey, Stan
07:22You're gonna do the turkey trot this year?
07:24Yeah, you guys are too?
07:26Hell yeah, we are. $5,000
07:27Oh, yeah, I'm sure all four of you ladies have a really awesome chance of winning
07:32There's actually five of us
07:34Hey, guys, what's up?
07:38Well, we'll see you at the race
07:39All right, see ya
07:41They're teaching race science to girls now?
07:45What the hell kind of country are we living in?
07:47Commitment
07:50Strength
07:51The ability to obliterate our enemies
07:54That is the Department of War
07:58What's up, guys? I'm Pete Hexed
08:01We're outside this woke liberal town that is actually defying our government
08:05And nobody defies the Department of War
08:08Pete Hexed will do whatever it takes
08:10I'm here to kick bubble gum and chew ass
08:13And I am all out of ass
08:15I'll do whatever's necessary to get the job done
08:18Oh, yeah, look at that
08:20That's the President of the United States calling me right now
08:23Yes, Mr. President
08:25Hexed
08:26What the f*** are you doing?
08:29Did you get Peter Thiel?
08:30No, sir, we were unable to extract the prisoner
08:32We were met with resistance from the woke local police force
08:35Goddammit, we gave you one job to do
08:38We need Peter Thiel here at the White House
08:41Sir, yes, sir
08:42I'm gonna need the full might of the Department of War
08:45I'll need all our tanks and guns and dudes
08:48Then you got it
08:49Just get us the prisoner no matter what it takes
08:52Hell, yeah
08:53And Hexed, don't just make a bunch of content
08:56Like, actually go and do something
08:59Be sure to like and subscribe, guys
09:03Yes, sir, Mr. President
09:04I will make this town pay
09:06God, you're such a douchebag
09:09All right, men
09:10We'll have a full army here by tomorrow
09:13And then that small-town cop is gonna see
09:16He messed with the wrong guy
09:18It's the morning of the big race
09:30And all of South Park appears to have turned out
09:33In the spirit of community
09:35People are putting on their numbers
09:37And rocking out their festive costumes
09:39I'm with Police Chief Harris
09:42And Chief, you guys have been working overtime
09:44Yeah, well, we just want to make sure
09:47Everyone has a safe Thanksgiving morning
09:49We want people to stay hydrated and be responsible
09:52Let's have a good turkey trot
09:53Now, of course, there's a lot of money on the line
09:56For the team of the race winner
09:57And so some people are turning to race science
10:00That's right
10:01You know, a lot of people these days want to debunk science
10:04You know, vaccine cause autism
10:05Jet fuel leaves chemtrails
10:07But when it comes to racing, science is science
10:10Certainly a lot of runners hoping to cash in today
10:14So may the best turkey win
10:16All right, you guys ready to run?
10:21We got this
10:21Come on, team, let's go
10:22Where's Tolkien?
10:23Oh, you didn't hear?
10:25I didn't hear what?
10:26Tolkien says he's not gonna race
10:27What do you mean Tolkien's not going to race?
10:31He said because it's being sponsored by Saudi Arabia
10:33He's bowing out for political reasons
10:34Are you f***ing joking?
10:37No
10:37God damn it, wait here
10:39Welcome, everyone, to the 28th Annual South Park Turkey Trot
10:45This is a wonderful turnout
10:49And I'm sure you'll all help me in thanking this year's sponsor
10:53Saudi Arabia
10:55Holy shit
11:03Holy shit, we've got an Antifa uprising
11:09All right, Department of War, listen up
11:11The people of this town are starting an insurrection
11:14But they will not stand in the way of us getting our man
11:18Tolkien!
11:22Tolkien!
11:24Tolkien!
11:24Tolkien!
11:29Dude, what the hell are you doing?
11:31Playing Ark Raiders
11:32The guy said you're not gonna race because it's being sponsored by Saudi Arabia?
11:36Yeah, just doesn't feel right
11:37It doesn't feel right?
11:39Yeah, doesn't feel right
11:40It doesn't feel right!
11:43What, Tolkien, you don't like that Saudi Arabia is buying American stuff?
11:46They're trying to be progressive, okay?
11:48You want them to go back to what they were doing?
11:50You want Saudi Arabia to just go back to cutting people up and paying Kevin Hart?
11:53Is that what you want?
11:54I can't see the screen
11:55Tolkien, you can't whine about a country trying to come into the 21st century
11:58Them wanting to help pay for American saints is good
12:01Because guess what?
12:02If Saudi Arabia is out paying for sporting events
12:04They're not out hacking up reporters and inviting Pete Davidson to come do comedy
12:07All right, everyone, on your mark
12:18Get set
12:27Holy shit!
12:39Shots fired!
12:40Shots fired!
12:41Get set up over there!
12:42We need content!
12:43Now!
12:44What's up, guys?
12:45Pete Hexed at Department of War
12:47We are being fired upon
12:48There's an uprising here
12:50Some kind of insurrection
12:51Be sure to like and subscribe
12:53You can hear the liberal terrorists all screaming and chanting behind us
13:02We're going to take them on
13:04Just another day in the Department of War
13:06Let's move out
13:06Did you know that since 2018
13:09They actually allow women to drive in Saudi Arabia?
13:12They allow women to drive
13:14It's like practically a lesbian utopia over there
13:17Can you please just let me enjoy my Thanksgiving morning?
13:20Oh, yeah, sure
13:21Who cares about lesbian utopia?
13:23Not token
13:23Token wants Saudi Arabia to just keep chopping off gay people's heads
13:26That's way better, isn't it?
13:28You're being a dick, bro
13:29Go away
13:30All right, token
13:34You know what?
13:35Fan
13:35If you really don't want to be a part of our country
13:37Embracing Saudi Arabia's desire to change
13:40Then we don't need you
13:41Hey!
13:49Hey!
13:49Give me back my Xbox
13:50Come get it, asshole
13:52Come on, come on
14:03Come on, we gotta get that money
14:04The rioting terrorists appear to be advancing north-northeast
14:09Our plan, gentlemen
14:11Is to intercept them at this location here
14:14And get as much content as we possibly can
14:17It's quite possible we'll also be needing to get content in this area, so be ready
14:22Third Battalion
14:23You'll be posting up here
14:25I want you posting on Instagram and Twitter
14:28Alpha Team post here
14:30Bravo Team content there
14:32All right, everyone, stand by
14:36At ease, soldier
14:38We heard there's a civilian uprising
14:40Yeah, we don't need Homeland Security's help
14:42We got it
14:43We're just here to assist in any way we can
14:45That's what Homeland Security does
14:47Be sure to like and subscribe, guys
14:49We've got it
14:50Oh, no, no, no, no, no
14:51This is not your content
14:52Everyone like and subscribe to the Department of War
14:55Come on, come on
15:08You got this
15:09I got it
15:11God damn it
15:18Give me my Xbox
15:19How can
15:21How can you not touch me
15:23You're not even trying
15:27I am trying
15:30I told you
15:31I'm not a runner
15:33Yes, you are
15:35Will you stop
15:37around
15:53Homeland Security to the Department of War
15:56The protesters are headed your way
15:58Stand down, Homeland Security
16:01This is our content
16:03There's too many of them
16:05Here they come
16:17Everyone hold your positions
16:19Department of War will not be intimidated
16:22Hold
16:27Hold
16:28Hold
16:30Hold
16:31Fire the tear gas
16:35Yeah
16:36Dude, which way are we supposed to go?
16:47I can't say nothing
16:49I did
16:50I think
16:50I think
16:51Token
16:53Token
16:55Where the hell did you go?
16:57what the hell's going on we don't know well how the hell are we supposed to raise if they've
17:20blocked the road look all i know is that the stotch family is in big financial trouble this year
17:30we have to reach that finish line you think you we gotta pay tariff that prize money is our only
17:36cheese does anyone have a turkey trot route map yeah i've got one here all right let's see
17:42so if this area is all blocked off then our best chance of getting to the finish line is detouring
17:49through here no no we should go this way through the underpass are you crazy that's too much of a
17:55shortcut we could get disqualified all that matters is that it's okay with saudi arabia
18:00would going this way be okay with saudi arabia there's no way to be sure what saudi arabia wants
18:07all i know is i need their money so i'm gonna go out there and take my chances
18:13what's up guys pete hex head department of war we've got the narco terrorists on the run
18:24and we're gonna take them out yeah
18:28pete hex head is a f***ing beast pete hex head is a f***ing beast
18:39beast
18:41acting like a tough guy posting it around the world
18:46acting like a little teenage girl pete hex head is a f***ing beast pete hex head is a f***ing beast
18:55pete hex head is a f***ing beast pete hex head is a f***ing beast
19:01f***ing beast pete hex head is a f***ing beast
19:08chimps pete hex
19:11all right buddy
19:13i don't know what you think you're doing but i'm pretty sure i told you to get the hell out of my town
19:18oh
19:19oh yeah
19:20well what do you think you're gonna do about it
19:26hello
19:28hello
19:30Anybody?
19:31Give me my Xbox!
19:37What is your problem, man?
19:40You could have made this an amazing Thanksgiving.
19:43For Stan, for Kenny.
19:46But you just want to play games.
19:48For the last time.
19:50Just because I'm black doesn't mean I run fast.
19:54Yes, you do.
19:55You just weren't trying because you have a problem with Saudi Arabia joining the global community.
20:00That has nothing to do with you being a racist.
20:03Oh, I'm a racist.
20:04You want Saudi Arabia to just keep stuffing journalists in his suitcases, but I'm the racist.
20:09I'm going home.
20:11Okay, fine. Forget it.
20:13Yeah, I will forget it.
20:14And I can think whatever I want.
20:17Okay, you're right, Token.
20:18Yeah, I know I'm right.
20:19Okay, that's key. Have a good Thanksgiving, man.
20:21I will have a good Thanksgiving because I won't be listening to your stupid bullshit.
20:25Yep, sounds good. Enjoy the holidays with your loved ones.
20:36Oh, goddammit.
20:39Yes! Race science! Race science!
20:42On behalf of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and His Royal Highness Mohammed bin Salman al-Saud,
20:53this year's Turkey Trot Grand Prize goes to the team of South Park's very own Token Black.
21:00We did it, dude!
21:09It's right there. You see it? It's right there!
21:12There you go. Almost there.
21:19All right, guys, that about wraps it up. Let's get home and eat some turkey.
21:28You son of a bitch! The president will come for us!
21:31Yeah, maybe so. Judge will see you Monday.
21:34South Park's going to pay for this.
21:39They're all going to pay.
21:48Felony vandalism. That's a serious charge.
21:51As your lawyer, I will do everything I can to get you off.
21:55Okay, I guess. But I'd rather it was with a chick.
21:58Beavis and Butthead. New episode coming up next on Comedy Central.
Be the first to comment