- 2 days ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hello.
00:02These days I spend more and more time in my Wiltshire home.
00:06And the pub I own.
00:08Thinking about all the big problems in the world.
00:12And some smaller ones that annoy me.
00:16Luckily there's a place I can go to solve them all.
00:20Or at least try.
00:22My shed.
00:24Right.
00:26It's here that I have the tools.
00:28Let's just saw some wood up.
00:30The tea.
00:32And a couple of other highly competent blokes.
00:36Very good. Brace yourself.
00:38Who've agreed to help me rid the world of problems.
00:41Is she getting the ticket out?
00:42Great.
00:43Dirty flight at us.
00:45And small.
00:46The cereal has gone soggy.
00:48I'll also have to take on other people's problems.
00:51What is wrong with Peter?
00:52He used to make a sound and now he doesn't.
00:55By which I mean the locals at my pub who are always bringing me stuff to mend.
01:01Is it a train set?
01:03So join us and our excitable crew.
01:07Who will capture our endeavours.
01:10That was epic.
01:12As we create.
01:14Make.
01:15That feels like a terrible thing we've just done.
01:17Repair.
01:18So it's never worked.
01:19Not in my lifetime.
01:20And repurpose.
01:21Whoa!
01:22Whoa!
01:23In my shed load of ideas.
01:24What do you think?
01:25This is just brilliant.
01:26Here in Wiltshire I have time to reflect on those issues that concern us all.
01:43Such as how to preserve this beautiful landscape.
01:47The muse of England's poets and artists.
01:52The rustling hedgerow.
01:54The delightful babbling brook and the abject weeping willow.
01:59The heart of the idyll that nestles in the breast of every English man and woman.
02:04Oh and the fly tipping site.
02:06The blight of town and country alike.
02:09These people disgust me.
02:11There are over a million fly tipping incidents reported in the UK each year.
02:17And they cost local authorities hundreds of millions of pounds to tidy up.
02:22It's a huge problem.
02:25But no problem is too huge for me and my two very handy right hand men.
02:30My trusty engineer Sim with his big ideas.
02:33Some kind of pivot from this point.
02:36Anywhere between here and here.
02:38And my ever ready carpenter Tony the tool.
02:42Don't worry I'll just do everything over here.
02:45You carry on chatting.
02:46And so to my large and well equipped workshop where the very practical magic happens.
02:54So we've decided that our revenge on fly tippers should be poetic.
02:59It is a fly trap or a fly tipper trap if you like.
03:02Taking our inspiration from good old school fly paper.
03:07Which is this stuff.
03:08It's really like a very big piece of sticky paper.
03:11And you hang it up in your house.
03:12Flies fly into it because they're stupid.
03:14Their brains are absolutely minute.
03:16And they stick to it.
03:18Ha!
03:19And that's the end of them.
03:20So we want to do something similar.
03:22But that acts on human beings.
03:24Which mean.
03:25God.
03:26Which means we need a sticky substance that will trap them.
03:31We'll leave Simi to search for something sticky enough to catch our human flies.
03:36As Tony and I move next door to start work on the actual trap.
03:41Now we have to devise the trap itself.
03:44How it will be, what would the trendy would be delivered.
03:47It's Tony's idea so Tony will explain.
03:52Collapsable cattle grid.
03:54Oh!
03:55So we take a sheet of eight by four.
03:57Yes.
03:58We build a frame around it.
04:01Two supports.
04:03All our sticky stuff in the middle here.
04:06Mm-hmm.
04:07Box section.
04:08Forming a grid.
04:12Holes.
04:13Attached by string.
04:16Go into two pulleys.
04:20And go that way to a single pulley.
04:23With a mechanism that pulls and collapses.
04:26Why is the cattle grid there?
04:27Is there a gate?
04:28To stop cattle.
04:29No, I know what it does.
04:31But it's not...
04:32Yes, so it's a gate.
04:33Usually you dump...
04:34Usually I've heard people who dump things.
04:37Right.
04:38Dump it in a field.
04:39So the van pulls up.
04:41People get out with the sofa, say.
04:42And they walk across the cattle grid which is positioned in front of a gate.
04:46And therefore is perfectly normal because you get cattle grids in front of gates.
04:50They throw the sofa into the fly tipping area.
04:54And it triggers a weighted mechanism.
04:57We haven't quite worked that bit out yet, have we?
04:58Which, through this pulley system, concertinas the cattle grid like a Venetian blind, exposing the sticky stuff.
05:08The panicking fly tippers run back to their van through here and are stuck like flies on flypaper.
05:15That's basically it, isn't it?
05:16Easy.
05:17Right, so should we put this on the floor and do a bit of spacing out?
05:20Yeah.
05:24Let's just rough it out.
05:26Tony and I start laying out the steel rods that will eventually become our cattle grid.
05:32How far apart are the rails of a cattle grid?
05:35Does it depend on what sort of animals you've got?
05:37Because cows have got bigger paws than sheep, haven't they?
05:41Obviously if you're making one for an elephant, you could make them a little bit further apart.
05:45Right, the dilemma is we have to balance authenticity, i.e. the spacing of the rails on the cattle grid,
05:54with the requirements of the mechanism, because it's got to pull all these together over here.
06:00It's quite a weight, isn't it? It's a lot of steel.
06:04I think that gap is too big, but it could be bigger than that one, which it will be when they're evenly spaced.
06:08So there's no getting around this, Tony. We're going to have to do a bit of arithmetic.
06:12So, for our 1,220mm wide cattle grid, we're going to need 10 bars, 107.7mm apart.
06:22Yes, this is an exact science.
06:25Oh, well, our arithmetic is spot on.
06:29Well, nearly.
06:31Nearly.
06:34OK, that's our cattle grid, correctly spaced out.
06:37Come in with the sofa.
06:41Yes, I think that's...
06:44You'd walk across it carefully, cos there's a cattle grid, cos you tend to walk carefully across a cattle grid.
06:49I think, yes, I think we'll get away with that.
06:52Let's mark out the board with the exact positions of our roofing battens.
06:58We can fix those in place.
07:00Mm-hm.
07:01And go from there.
07:05Right, so the concept looks good.
07:07We've just got to make the thing now.
07:10First, Tony and I construct the wooden base frame, keeping a close eye on our maths.
07:15Then we need a bit of help from Simi to cut the steel rods, so that Tony and I can drill very precise holes into them,
07:25which we'll thread rope through to collapse the grid, as long as we can keep up with Simi's exacting standards.
07:32So, put the hole in the middle, right?
07:34I mean, look at that. How in the middle is that?
07:37All is proceeding at pace until...
07:40The problem is, well, there's no easy way of putting this, it's Tony.
07:47Sim has spotted that the board isn't perfectly square.
07:51It's just I didn't cut the factory edge off, cos we were rushing.
07:54I'll just recut these.
07:551,790, then.
07:58Or thereabouts.
08:00Thank you, Simi.
08:01And once you've squared off our mistakes, Tony and I thread the poles together with rope,
08:05which will make this cattle grid collapsible.
08:08Ow!
08:09What have you done to that?
08:11I don't know, but we're going to have to flame it again.
08:13And finally, we get to see if our cunning concertina plan actually works.
08:20In three, two, one...
08:24Oh!
08:25Oh, that works!
08:26It's beauty!
08:27It doesn't need that much force either.
08:29Collapsible cattle grid success, but we still need to find some really sticky stuff to fill it with.
08:35We also have to drill all the remaining pieces, devise the weighted mechanism that will close this,
08:41and we have to take the whole thing to a secret location in the countryside, fill it with our gunk, and then wait.
08:49For now, though, we take a break from our war against fly tippers for a well-earned pint.
08:56And it's now, when I'm at the pub, that people start bringing me their broken stuff that they want me to mend.
09:02In fact, I'm so used to this, I take my toolbox to the pub every time I go.
09:08Hello.
09:09Hi, I'm Kirsty.
09:10Hello, Kirsty.
09:11Hi.
09:12What have you got for us?
09:13So, I have got my teddy bear, Peter.
09:15He's 53 years old.
09:17Oh, younger than me.
09:19Definitely younger than me.
09:21And apart from being utterly furless, what is wrong with Peter?
09:27He used to make a sound sort of like a sheep, and now he doesn't.
09:32He's been in a loft for 35-plus years.
09:36Poor sod.
09:37Yeah.
09:38Is it one of those where you do that and it...
09:39Yeah.
09:40You can hear it?
09:42Oh, yeah.
09:43Whatever that is.
09:45Something's moving.
09:46What noise did it make?
09:47It was like a sheep, like a bar.
09:49I think...
09:50Well, I do know somebody who used to run a thing called Teddy Bear Hospital,
09:53and these old bears, they've usually got a moving weight
09:55and some sort of bellows.
09:57They used to be classified as squeakers and growlers.
10:00Right.
10:01One of them had a reed, and the other one had...
10:04Some kind of diaphragm or...
10:06Yeah.
10:07Something like that.
10:08So, you want us to try and make the sound work again?
10:10If you could, that would be lovely.
10:12And you've had him since you were how old?
10:15Before I was born, my grandmother gave it to my mother,
10:18while she was pregnant with me.
10:21So, it predates you?
10:22Yeah.
10:23The teddy was waiting for you as you popped out of the womb?
10:25He was.
10:27Are these your initials?
10:28They are my initials, yeah.
10:29My mum stitched them in, cos he used to go everywhere with me.
10:32I've got a picture of him, actually.
10:35Oh, that's when he still had his fur.
10:37Yeah.
10:38And his head was on properly.
10:40Yes.
10:41At what point did Peter lose his speech?
10:45Hmm.
10:46I have no idea.
10:47He's travelled with me.
10:48I was in the army, and he came everywhere with me.
10:51And then he ended up in a loft, and I thought I'd lost him.
10:58And then I got him back about three months ago, and he doesn't make any sound.
11:04How would you feel about us opening Peter up?
11:08That's fine.
11:09Are you sure?
11:10Yeah.
11:11We'll have to ask you to sign a consent form.
11:13Absolutely.
11:14And a do not resuscitate.
11:16Oh, look.
11:17There is my special superpower magnifying spectacles.
11:20And there is a scalpel.
11:23Has this been opened before?
11:25Not that I know of, no.
11:26How are you feeling about this, Kirsty?
11:28I'm slightly nervous.
11:30Whoop.
11:31Oh.
11:32Swab.
11:33We found something that has not been exposed to the light since the early 1970s.
11:38Can I put my finger in?
11:39You might want to look away.
11:41I am.
11:42My God, it's huge.
11:44We need a bigger hole.
11:46We need a bigger hole.
11:47I'm actually getting nervous.
11:49Here it comes.
11:51Come on, then.
12:00Is that the noise it used to make?
12:02Slightly.
12:03But longer?
12:05Longer, yeah.
12:06I'm seeing you afford him some dignity.
12:08Oh, God.
12:09We'll put him in the recovery position.
12:12OK, we will take this back to the workshop, Kirsty.
12:15We will mend it, reinsert it in the bowels of Peter.
12:20Simi will stitch him back together.
12:22He will be returned to you, growling as he did in your youth,
12:26and you will never know, and neither will he,
12:28that anything had ever happened.
12:30Excellent.
12:31Either that or it will go wrong and we'll chuck him on the bonfire.
12:35Please don't.
12:37Will we be able to perform this important and life-saving operation?
12:42Will Peter growl again?
12:50Ah, Wiltshire, the beautiful countryside.
12:53But did you know that every 27 seconds somebody ruins it by fly-tipping,
12:58causing damage to farmland and wildlife?
13:02Luckily, Tony, Simi and I have come up with a cunning plan
13:06involving a collapsible cattle grid
13:09that will expose a sticky substance beneath
13:11to stop our fly-tippers in their tracks.
13:14Now, we just have to select our gunk.
13:20The options we have arrived at are corn flour,
13:25epoxy resin and this one, which is a mastic,
13:28so it remains plastic and sticky.
13:31Is that right?
13:32Yeah.
13:33What should we try?
13:34Right, should we try corn flour?
13:36I mean, corn flour, isn't it thixotropic?
13:38So if they run across a corn flour mix quickly,
13:40they will simply...
13:41Go across it.
13:42Go across it.
13:43But if they amble across it...
13:44Yes, then...
13:45How much should we put in?
13:47Let's put it all in.
13:48Do you think?
13:49Yeah.
13:54Corn flour is weird stuff, I think.
13:55I don't like using it in the kitchen.
13:57It's useful, though.
13:58It is useful.
13:59I mean, it's a crafty way to thicken up your cheese sauce.
14:02That is quite...
14:03So it's solid, but if you put gentle pressure, you sink.
14:09Oh, yeah.
14:10Oh!
14:11It's quite nice, actually.
14:12And then it just goes liquid.
14:14The trouble with this, it's so much fun.
14:16You'd find millions of fly tiplers just frolicking in your corn flour.
14:21This corn flour and water goo is non-Newtonian, meaning it doesn't follow Newton's laws,
14:28as it can act as both a solid and a liquid.
14:32And, handily for us, this ambiguity makes it very sticky.
14:36Shall we put it on the floor and put some shoe covers on?
14:38Who wants to try?
14:40We can try one each.
14:42Off to you.
14:43I'll do this one, then, so.
14:52Make sure you use the right form.
14:54Yeah, good thinking, Batman.
14:56So you've thrown your sofa away, or your fridge, or whatever.
14:59Fly tipped.
15:00Nobody saw that.
15:01I'm off.
15:06It's not very good.
15:08What's the drag on your foot there?
15:10No, it's...
15:11It's pretty grippy, but I don't know that you'll necessarily get stuck.
15:15The idea is that the fly tipper is stuck to the fly tipper trap.
15:19I mean, let's reserve judgement until we've tried a few other things.
15:23Shall we try the mass stick?
15:26So it never sets?
15:27No.
15:28It remains plastic, in the true sense, and hopefully quite sticky.
15:32Shall I?
15:33Yes, carry on.
15:38It looks sticky.
15:39It does look sticky.
15:40This particular mastic forms an elastic, watertight sealant that sticks firmly to wood, metal, concrete, and, we hope, humans.
15:53So, has anybody got any Bob Dylan records?
15:57Right.
15:58Whose turn is it to try?
16:01Are you going to do it, Tony?
16:02Yeah, I'll do it.
16:03Yeah, go on, Tony.
16:06Are you going to put both feet in?
16:07Yeah, I don't want to get splashes on my trainers.
16:14So, remember to method act.
16:17What are you dumping, Tony?
16:18A telly.
16:19A telly, okay.
16:21Whoa, we've done that before.
16:22Whoa!
16:24Whoa!
16:26Hey, that looked like it could be quite good.
16:28Wow!
16:29It's slippy as well.
16:30Really slippy.
16:32That's really sticky.
16:33Oh, that's pretty good.
16:36It's very good.
16:38So, the mastic works.
16:39But because Simmy hates to feel left out, we decide to let him test the epoxy resin option.
16:45Also, he's got a bit of a thing about shoe covers.
16:48You ready, Sim?
16:49Right.
16:50With your big fridge and action.
16:51I've got my fridge.
16:52Over the hedge it goes.
16:54Oh, .
16:59That's not very good.
17:00It's not very good, is it?
17:01It's also all over the floor.
17:02It is all over the floor.
17:03We could go off the floor.
17:04It's very slippery.
17:06So, that's not ideal, is it?
17:07No.
17:09It's rubbish.
17:11So, to conclude this scene, men, because we've wanted to do it, you have one.
17:17Are you ready?
17:18In three, two, one.
17:20One.
17:26The mastic is a clear winner.
17:28It's the stickiest that we agreed.
17:30Absolutely.
17:31Right, so that's what we'll do.
17:34Once that sticky mastic is added to our cattle grid flytrap, we may just be able to protect rural littles up and down the country from the blight of fly tipping.
17:44But there's another danger threatening the countryside, and that's the worrying demise of pub games.
17:52As a landlord myself, I'm not keen on fruit machines and dreary pub quizzes.
17:57But what about revisiting one of the old standards?
18:04Oh!
18:06Oh!
18:07The game of darts, it's essential to the formation of England's character, because without our prowess at darts, we wouldn't have been good at archery and defeated the French at Agincourt, for example.
18:17Now, this is a standard dartboard, probably the one you're familiar with.
18:21It's got doubles on the outside, trebles on the inner ring, and then a bull and a double bull.
18:26But there are other types of dartboard.
18:28For example, there is a Yorkshire dartboard, which only has the doubles.
18:32And then there's a Manchester dartboard, which has the numbers in a different order.
18:36There's also a Bath dartboard, which has some extra scoring areas around the outside, and so on and so on.
18:43Wiltshire does not have its own dartboard, so we thought maybe we'd come up with one.
18:50What do you think, Tony?
18:52Uh, yeah.
18:53What would you do, though?
18:55When I was a kid, me and my brother used to play drop darts, where you put the dartboard on the floor.
19:02We actually used to do it out of the bedroom window, with the dartboard down below in the garden.
19:08Let's try holding it by the...
19:10Oh, shot!
19:11Is it in?
19:12No, it's 25.
19:14Miles off.
19:16Yeah.
19:17I mean...
19:19It involves a lot of bending down, though.
19:22What if the dartboard starts rotating?
19:27Imagine how difficult it would be to throw at a rotating darts board.
19:31Yeah. That'd be... Yeah, we could do that.
19:34That'd be fun.
19:35Obviously, because we are, in fact, engineers, we need to test out the concept.
19:41Okay, so stand on the occhi, but about two feet back from the occhi.
19:44Oh, I don't want to throw a dart at you like that.
19:48No, no.
19:50Oh!
19:52You ready?
19:54Are you having a laugh?
19:55No.
19:59Yes, three on the board.
20:02Okay, now it's my turn.
20:03Crap rolling.
20:04Crap rolling.
20:05Crap rolling.
20:06It's supposed to go over there.
20:07You deflected it with your first dart.
20:08So, the rotation idea works, but not rolling the board.
20:12Now we need Simi's help to try and make the board rotate in space.
20:16Shall we have a beer?
20:17Good idea.
20:18While Tony and I head off for a pint, Simi throws himself into creating a mechanism that will rotate our Wiltshire dartboard.
20:24First, he attaches a rotary dartboard to the board.
20:27It's supposed to go over there.
20:28It's supposed to go over there.
20:29It's supposed to go over there.
20:30You deflected it with your first dart.
20:32So, the rotation idea works, but not rolling the board.
20:35Now we need Simi's help to try and make the board rotate in space.
20:37First, he attaches a rotary switch to a wooden frame.
20:40And then he rigs up a variable speed controller.
20:45Before, after a quick swig, soldering together a small motor with a manual switch.
20:52Then he attaches a battery, has another essential beer break, and finally tests the rotating mechanism that will eventually attach to the dartboard,
21:02which we'll try out later, once Simi's joined us in the garden for another pint.
21:07Exciting!
21:08You find me back in my Wiltshire pub, and for good reason.
21:21There isn't enough entertainment in the pub, especially since I've banned Morris dancers and minstrels.
21:28So we're looking at how to refresh the greatest of all pub games.
21:32With the introduction of the Wiltshire dartboard, allow me to show it to you.
21:39Here it is, hanging on the wall at the regulation height, with the 20 at the top, where you'd expect.
21:45My two players, if you'd like to take the occi, gentlemen, then you will remember where you were when you first saw this, because the game of darts was changed forever.
21:58There it goes.
22:01The rotating Wiltshire dartboard.
22:05Doesn't look like much, but it makes the game extremely difficult, and let's be honest, it wasn't easy to start with.
22:11We're playing highest score, three darts, your throw, sir.
22:14It's making me dizzy.
22:15The 20 is going round and round, you see, because it's the Wiltshire dartboard.
22:18Rubbish.
22:19Oh, he's going for the bull.
22:21Oh, it's tricky.
22:2343.
22:2512.
22:2719.
22:30Rubbish.
22:31James, come on.
22:32Do your best.
22:38And again.
22:4134.
22:42Yeah.
22:43Oh.
22:44No.
22:45No.
22:46No, no, no.
22:47No.
22:48Right, I'm speeding it up for round two.
22:51Oh.
22:53Oh.
22:54Yes.
22:55Wow.
22:56Shall we reverse?
22:58Oh.
23:01Oh, he's got 60.
23:05I didn't believe I missed the ball, James.
23:08I've only got this one left, and I have to score 29 or more.
23:18That means the winner is him.
23:22But this invention wasn't meant just to entertain the three of us.
23:26It has to work on the seething, roaring mass that is the general public.
23:30Let's see if any of the locals would like to play Wiltshire darts.
23:38Hmm.
23:39No.
23:40It's not looking good.
23:42Well, yes, you're right.
23:43It's not ideal.
23:44It's not good.
23:45It's 24.
23:48That's nothing.
23:49At least I tried.
23:53Five.
23:55Six.
23:58Ten.
23:59Congratulations.
24:00That's truly terrible.
24:04Eight.
24:06Oh, dear.
24:08That's 17, sir.
24:09That's very poor.
24:11I hope you don't mind me saying.
24:13Scores may be low, but the game is a huge hit with the regulars, and also, it turns out, with our film crew, with producer Lucy very keen to play.
24:25You've thrown it away.
24:27As everybody rushes to stand in front of the board for their own safety, it's probably time to sum this up.
24:32I'm not entirely sure what to say about Wiltshire darts, apart from that it's excellent.
24:41That's one successful step along the path to revitalise British pub entertainment, and I've got plenty more ideas up my sleeve.
24:48But now, we must return to the pressing matter of Kirsty's bear, who, after years in the loft, has lost his growl, and Simi and I have been entrusted with the weighty task of giving Peter his voice back.
25:02Right, viewers, our mission today is to provide Peter the bear, beloved of Kirsty, with a more impressive...one of those.
25:14According to Kirsty, it was originally louder and longer, and we may be able to improve the sound as well.
25:20We've never done this before, oddly.
25:27First, we need to remove Peter's growl box to see how it works.
25:30What if we made that just twice as long, and this twice as long, and then...
25:37..that you'd get a longer...
25:43So it is, it's like...
25:44Oh, God!
25:48It's got a very simple reed there, similar to something you would find in a crude musical instrument.
25:54And this seems to be some sort of very, very simple amplifier.
25:59We could remake that...
26:02Bigger.
26:03..much bigger and much longer.
26:05There's a lot of room.
26:06There's tons of it.
26:07It could go right down to his...
26:09..and up to his neck.
26:10So we could, you know, we could put an enormous growler in there.
26:13Yes.
26:14Right.
26:15That's the plan.
26:16We're going to remake it bigger and better, which in terms of a teddy bear growl means longer.
26:27To see if we can give Peter a larger, longer growl, Sim and I want to see what happens when we elongate the sandbox's journey by throwing it down the longest tube we can find.
26:40Three metres of cylindrical polyvinyl chloride.
26:43Is everybody ready?
26:44Also known as ur-drainpipe.
26:46Let her go.
26:47Er...
26:48Um...
26:49I think it needs to be totally upright.
26:58Totally upright.
27:07That was epic!
27:08Nice!
27:09Are you trying with the shorter length?
27:11Yes.
27:12So Peter's growler needs to be...
27:14Oh, that?
27:15Yeah.
27:16OK.
27:17Now we've established how big we can make Peter's new growler, we cut it to size.
27:21Let's just see how long a growl we get.
27:28It's got to be a bit safer than that.
27:31To slow the movement of the growler and thus lengthen the growl, we need some sort of fabric cap with holes punched through.
27:40That's a bit on the wonk, isn't it?
27:42I mean, it doesn't matter.
27:44I mean, no-one's ever going to see it because it's going to be deep in Peter's bowel.
27:48Apart from all the people watching it on the television, obviously.
27:51I think to get a result, we need to tape this on to the end.
27:56To seal that one end.
27:57The noise goes in that way?
27:59Yeah.
28:03Why, how could that...
28:13Is there a plan B at this point?
28:15No.
28:18OK.
28:19Anyway, we're not going to give up.
28:22Luckily, Simi, Everett the Optimist, has an idea that might help create the sound.
28:28And it involves a pair of black rubber gloves.
28:32We're making a replacement bellow.
28:35The old one is rather elaborate.
28:38We're not sure what material it is.
28:41It's almost like a waxed paper.
28:44But it has been ironed so that it has effectively a helix in it.
28:50So it's ironed in two directions.
28:53So it's got regions on the outside and the inside.
28:55But that seems unnecessarily complicated in a world of modern materials, such as rubber gloves.
29:00So we're making it out of the rubber glove.
29:03The theory here is that the rubber glove should fill with air and force it past the reed, which makes the sound.
29:10OK.
29:12Are we ready?
29:13I'm slightly...
29:14How can that not work?
29:27The addition of the bellows has made...
29:31Let's have a look.
29:32The growlers stick in the tube.
29:34Oh, is that what it's doing?
29:40That's so feeble.
29:43Situation update on Peter the teddy bear.
29:46Situation update is that since Peter the bear was admitted to our bear growler hospital, his condition has deteriorated quite easily.
29:55Some of his stuffing's come out.
29:59He's got a massive wound in his spine and his voice doesn't work anymore.
30:04But apart from that...
30:05It's not easy, is it?
30:07I hate this bear.
30:09So our attempts at repairing Peter's existing growl box have run adrift.
30:15But we can't let Kirsty and her precious bear down.
30:18And so, after some deliberation, Sim and I decide that desperate times call for desperate measures.
30:25Are you sitting comfortably, children?
30:28Kirsty had a very special bear called Peter, and Peter could growl like a proper grown-up bear.
30:35But one day, Peter's growl failed, and Kirsty sent poor Peter to Simian James to be repaired.
30:42It's proved rather difficult because Peter's reed is bent and worn out, his bellows have perished.
30:50But of course you know all that, children, because you've been on this incredible adventure with us.
30:56But now, Simi and James have had to do something they've never done before on this show.
31:02Which is, order a spare part and fit that instead.
31:05Here it is, commercially available growler from a bear specialist.
31:08Peter can growl again.
31:14And now, Mr Oakley, the surgeon, is going to sew it into Peter, and nobody need ever know.
31:25It's our secret.
31:27There you go, Sim.
31:29Thank you very much.
31:31Once Simi has sewn up, the patient will send him to convalesce.
31:34The bear, I mean.
31:35Before returning him to Kirsty, as good as new.
31:39Well, almost.
31:44You rejoin us in Wiltshire, where I'm coming up with ideas to solve problems big and small that bother us all.
31:51Whether that's flytippers ruining the glorious countryside, or that your lunch is just lacking that certain something.
31:59We have identified a problem, which is that you go out to a pub or a restaurant, and you have some food, and it's all jolly nice, but you think, I'd like a little bit of garnish on that.
32:09What if you could take the garnish with you, and then you could garnish whatever it was you were eating, wherever?
32:14So we thought, why not incorporate them into an item of clothing? To wit, a hat.
32:21You see, this rests very conveniently on your head.
32:25If the brim were full of soil and herbs, you could merely pluck one and add it to your cheesy pasta.
32:31So, join me as we make the world's first herb hat.
32:42This is harder than it looks.
32:45The problem I'm experiencing is that the brim of the hat is not as deep as the typical English garden herb bed.
32:53So maybe we need to get rid of some bigger...
32:58And maybe make the soil a bit wetter.
33:00But don't I have to retain the root?
33:02Yes, but if you just... So if we get rid of those boys, and keep that one in its root...
33:08What, and discard those? I think snip that off.
33:11I always have my comedy carrot-shaped Japanese scissors in my pocket, fortunately.
33:15I snip those off.
33:17We're now getting somewhere with the herb hat, compacted soil, and a sprig of basil.
33:25I've been on television quite a long time now, I think it's about 25 years.
33:29And because I understand the basics of television, I know that we're going to skip forward to a comedy shot of me approaching my own pub with a hat full of herbs on my head.
33:39And here I am.
33:42Afternoon. Afternoon.
33:44Ham, egg and chips.
33:45Yes.
33:46Epic.
33:48Nice hat, James.
33:50Yeah, you're rocking that.
33:55Sorry.
33:57It was a bit of a breeze.
34:00Would you like some Garni?
34:03Have you got any coriander?
34:04I have.
34:05I believe it's there, isn't it?
34:07Yes.
34:08May I?
34:09Yes, of course.
34:10Here are the exquisite Japanese scissors.
34:16Sim, anything you'd like with your...
34:17A little basil would be nice.
34:18Basil is...
34:20Ooh.
34:21Can Tony reach that?
34:22Ooh, ooh.
34:23Is that enough?
34:24Yeah.
34:25I think, ham, egg and chips, I would like...
34:28I'd like a few chives on the eggs and the chips.
34:31Allow me.
34:35Here you go.
34:36Thanks awfully.
34:37What do you think of my hat?
34:38I mean, be honest.
34:40Well, honest.
34:41Yeah, yeah.
34:43I mean, you look like words of gummage, but...
34:45It's a bit Morrie style, you see, isn't it?
34:47It's actually very useful.
34:49It's a top hat.
34:50It's a top hat.
34:51See what I did there.
34:52Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
34:55I'd say this works.
34:57Mmm.
34:58It's a little uncomfortable, but it's very achievable at home.
35:00All you need is a hat, some nutrient-rich soil, some herbs,
35:08a low sense of self-esteem.
35:11Robert's your mother's brother.
35:14Next, spice shoes.
35:17No, that's ridiculous.
35:19Shoes covered in spices would just look stupid.
35:23Meanwhile, here are some lovely shots of the Wiltshire countryside.
35:27And we're hoping to keep it that way,
35:29with our cunning invention to stop the curse of fly-tipping.
35:36We return to the fly-tipper, fly-trap.
35:39Fly-tipping is becoming a blight.
35:41In the countryside, we have devised a way of catching people in the act.
35:45It is essentially a fly-trap.
35:47It's based on the idea of a retracting cattle grid that exposes a very sticky substance that traps the miscreants,
35:55so that they can be apprehended and then they can pay their debt to society.
35:59Now, in a previous instalment, we proved the principle of the retracting cattle grid, and now we've set it up in this fly-tipping area.
36:07It's already full of junk. It's a very popular location.
36:09You know, saw horses, old record players, speakers, badminton bats and so on.
36:15And amongst is a fairly typical old bicycle.
36:17Or is it?
36:18No, it isn't.
36:19It is actually the trigger mechanism for the whole thing.
36:22Let me explain to you how it works.
36:24When our fly-tippers approach, they walk over the cattle grid, which is closed and it's outside a gate, they suspect nothing.
36:30And they lob whatever it is, their bread-maker, whatever, over here, and it hits this trigger string.
36:37This trigger string, via this pulley here, pulls on this hinged piece of wood, which releases the front brake of the bicycle.
36:49The front wheel, now free to rotate, begins to rotate under the tension of this bungee cord until the sledgehammer,
36:56which is attached to the wheel, passes top dead centre and then gravity does its work.
37:02The rotation of the wheel and the extra torque provided by the sledgehammer operates this pulley system,
37:09which retracts the cattle grid.
37:11They think we got away with that, run away, stuck, we turn up with clubs and beat them to death.
37:16Now, we're going to test this out with some fictitious fly-tippers.
37:19This is not real, this is a set-up.
37:20But me, Tony and Simi, to see if it works, are going to watch from over there, behind the wall.
37:26If you didn't understand the explanation, don't worry, we're filming it all with little cameras
37:30and we'll do a slow-motion action replay and you can see it all working in graphic detail.
37:36Right, are we ready? Let's prime the trap.
37:42So, a few redesigned and repurposed bits of junk could, if we've got our calculations correct,
37:48trigger our trap and catch some fly-tippers in the world's first ever fly-tipping fly-trap.
37:55It's quite sticky.
37:57Patent pending.
37:59Right, I think we can go and hide.
38:12So, the trap is set.
38:15And, as if by magic, a mysterious van pulls up.
38:19Oh, he's stopping.
38:21He is, he is.
38:22Oh, he's got to be one.
38:24That's a really tatty van, that's always a sign.
38:27He's getting out.
38:28Oh, they've got hoodies on.
38:30Oh, look at them, dirty fly-tippers.
38:33Yes, dirty fly-tippers that do look remarkably like members of our crew.
38:38What is it?
38:39What is it?
38:40What is it?
38:41Washing machine?
38:42It's a bloody mattress.
38:43Oh!
38:44God.
38:45I've got a kettle grid door.
38:46There you go.
38:47Yes, yes, yes.
38:48Oh.
38:59Yes!
39:00Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
39:04I'm suih-h-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
39:16Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
39:18Oh, well-done, then, that is fantastic.
39:19That was good job.
39:20That's an absurd idea, but it works.
39:23And, as promised, here it is in glorious slow motion.
39:28It may be a prototype, but the principle is sound, fly-tippers can be caught like flies in a
39:33trap and that is engineering and poetic success so we've solved fly tipping pub entertainment
39:45garnishing on the move but we've really struggled trying to fix peter the bear whose growler was no
39:53longer fit for purpose i never imagined i would end up being involved in the repair of teddy bear
39:59i was expecting clocks or yeah lawn mowers you know not teddies not not a teddy bear what a pain
40:07i'll be quite glad to see the back of him oh miss peter i can see the back of him now
40:13i don't know how she's going to react when we admit that we haven't really mended him as such
40:17what happens if she throws one i don't think she will you think so no what we've actually done here
40:23is a transplant we have been a successful one and that's really the cutting edge of teddy bear
40:29medicine hello hello have a seat nice to see you again hi here is roger peter
40:46have you missed him i've missed him a lot have you yeah well it's strange we've become very familiar
40:51with peter he's been a constant lurking presence in our lives and looked after very carefully of
40:59course i'm glad i'm glad you did well do you want to know what we've done yes please well the simi
41:03began the quite difficult operation with a long incision down his spine yeah um and then we
41:10successfully removed his growler yes and that's where things became a bit difficult it had sort of
41:15disintegrated a bit and his growl wasn't very strong anymore and we looked at making a longer
41:23tube and a bigger bellows we tried various fabrics we tried a rubber glove it sounds a bit complicated
41:28it was complicated he was on the table for hours and at one point we thought we might lose him
41:35eventually yeah we consulted
41:37well a consultant teddy bear surgeon yeah who said i'm afraid he had to have a new growler so he's
41:46he's had a transplant um okay but if you'd like to tip him on his back
41:52oh it's the same it sounds exactly the same oh oh it does it sounds exactly the same if you tip him
42:12right back and wait for a bit for the okay rather to extend and then it sounds just like a telephone
42:24so you're pleased very pleased thank you so much
42:29oh it's so good well i'm delighted that you're pleased with peace because i thought i'd lost him
42:35for a long long time and now he sounds exactly like he did when i was a child so yeah he's quite
42:42emotional well you can take him back to your home and enjoy the rest of your lives together i will
42:51thank you so much it's really appreciated that's okay it's a pleasure thank you thank you very much
42:56thank you bye bye bring him back when his head falls off
42:59can you see she's properly delighted that bear is loved and if we as humanity could love each other
43:10the way kirsty loves that bear everything would be okay apart from for me
43:29you
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