- 5 hours ago
- #realitytvdeep
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Short filmTranscript
00:01Mum was a pig in muck that day.
00:03The sun was out, the cobblers were riding high.
00:06Nothing was gonna spoil her day.
00:09Judith!
00:13Nothing.
00:15Hi, Jill!
00:18Nothing.
00:20Morning. Anything for me?
00:22Oh, sod off.
00:24Okay, maybe that would.
00:30MUSIC
00:45Dan?
00:46Huh?
00:47Did the cobblers lose on Saturday?
00:49Oh, it'd be Cardiff City 3-2.
00:51You were there.
00:52Ref gave us a penalty last minute.
00:54Ah, bless him.
00:56If we won, why am I getting funny looks from everyone?
00:59It's those earmuffs. I've told you not to wear them.
01:02I don't!
01:03The muffs fell off. It's more of an Alice band now.
01:06I swear the lollipop lady gave me evils.
01:10Ask public enemy number one.
01:13Oh.
01:14I just spoke to the cron about being a football manager's wife.
01:17Your dad thinks I said too much.
01:19Oh.
01:20OK.
01:21I see a lot of envy in the street and that hurts.
01:25I am a person, you know. Cut me. I bleed.
01:29Well, I do.
01:30A friendly way from me brightens up the most mundane of Mondays for me neighbours.
01:37What were you thinking, Mum?
01:39I didn't say that. I said Tuesdays. They're twisting my words.
01:43Newspapers don't lie.
01:45And when it comes to me sons, me Alan's a slave to the prune jewels.
01:49He gets very banged up.
01:51One little comment.
01:52Why are you bringing up me constipation in a froth piece?
01:55It's a good job Alan and Gary don't want to be footballers.
01:57Their wives having to put up with this every time they open their mouths.
02:06My mum was wry.
02:08I couldn't follow in my dad's footsteps for my wife's sake.
02:12But I was on a different path and in a matter of moments
02:15I'd know exactly what path that was.
02:23Jake, what did you get?
02:25Architect.
02:26Oh, nice.
02:27Like Tom Selleck in Three Men and a Bear.
02:29Oi, oi, bum boy.
02:30You're on the other one.
02:31Mum, stick a prune up my arse.
02:33Oh, please, Mummy. It won't come out.
02:40So this was it.
02:41Next two.
02:42Questionnaire completed and a computer had decided our futures.
02:47The job you'd be doing until the day you died.
02:51Chamber maid?
02:53She wanted a career in the sciences.
02:55Well, she will be working with chemicals.
02:58Jif, dimestos and Alan.
03:01We all know where this is going.
03:03But will it be comedian, presenter, muse, national treasure?
03:06I can't go to prison.
03:09Would a grammar school pupil get prisoner?
03:11Where is the ambition?
03:13No, Kate.
03:14Prison warden.
03:15True.
03:16There it was.
03:17In black and white.
03:18Prison warden.
03:19What a slap in the face.
03:21It's like my hopes and dreams have been put on death row.
03:24You do get a uniform.
03:26I can't wear it at all grey.
03:28Look at me.
03:29I need a pop of colour.
03:31I know I tick working in dolls and meeting interesting people.
03:35But I meant socialites and celebrities.
03:38Not shoplifters and serial killers.
03:40He deserves a second chance.
03:42I'm afraid the computer doesn't lie.
03:44No, love, don't worry about it.
03:46I'll get something worse.
03:48What's worse than that?
03:49Careers advisor.
03:51Come on, Kate, grab your satchel.
03:54I think we've had quite enough.
03:57Shut the door, please.
04:08I'm crossing the picket line here.
04:09Social suicide.
04:11Just checking you're alright.
04:13What with the article.
04:15I know you've had hate mail.
04:17No. No, I haven't.
04:18It's coming.
04:19Look, I doubt most of them have even read it.
04:21Oh, Christine, there's been a meeting.
04:23I don't want to speak for the whole street, but the words Lady Muck were used.
04:27Cow.
04:28Silly cow.
04:30Rude cow.
04:31Any more.
04:32Oh, it's all in the minutes.
04:33I did try to defend you.
04:34I said she's not being rude.
04:35She's just a bit thick.
04:36But they got the pitchforks out, I'm afraid.
04:38This is just what happens with success.
04:40People turn on you.
04:42I mean, look at Fergie.
04:44Oh, Christine, that's it.
04:46You've got to do what the royals do.
04:48What, open a supermarket?
04:49No, have a garden party.
04:51They let all the plebs in for the afternoon, look at their pot plants.
04:53They're no-one minds that they cosy up to dictators and marry their cousins.
04:57Well, they're not going to come if they hate me that much, are they?
04:59Christine, they'd go to Saddam Hussein's house if he was giving them a free burger.
05:03Right.
05:04You think on it, yeah?
05:18Molly from 26.
05:19Oh!
05:20Hi, Molly.
05:21Welcome.
05:22Been back, Diane.
05:24Oh, Diane.
05:25Thanks for coming.
05:27Oh!
05:28Oh, you shouldn't have.
05:29Not good enough, eh?
05:30I'll drink it myself.
05:32Gee.
05:35Strong start.
05:36I'll come to something if you know you're going to hate it.
05:38I'm not going to watch the couples every week.
05:40It's true.
05:42Graham!
05:43Don!
05:44All right?
05:45Look, if you want to invite anyone, you can always use our phone.
06:01Call a friend?
06:03Bradley?
06:04Oh!
06:05Or Jake.
06:06Jake, maybe.
06:08Jake only lives 0.7 miles from here.
06:11Yeah, so...
06:12Yeah, why didn't you call him?
06:14Mum said she'll give me a fiver if I stay for an hour.
06:18Right.
06:19OK, there we go.
06:20Er...
06:21Solid bar.
06:22I'll have a burger, please.
06:23Mmm...
06:24Blanky.
06:25Are you all right, Paige?
06:26Yeah?
06:27Er...
06:28One of those.
06:29Ah, burger.
06:30Right.
06:31Over here.
06:32The right arm.
06:33Good.
06:34Good.
06:35Good.
06:36Did you...
06:37Move my sausages?
06:38No.
06:39All right, lads.
06:40Ooh, something smells good.
06:41Oh, I'm...
06:46Um...
06:47Tom.
06:48Ah...
06:49All right, Tom.
06:50You all right?
06:51Graham.
06:52Tom.
06:53Nigel Hudson.
06:54How you doing?
06:55You all right?
06:56move my sausages all right lads oh something smells good oh I'm Tom oh
07:03all right Tom Graham so Nigel Hudson how you doing you all right you after a
07:08burger oh no no no I'm on the job boss will catch me slacking I saw the skip
07:13out front best years of my life working on a building site babe magnet aren't
07:17you sitting up there with the legs swinging tell my Ange she wolf whizzled
07:22me right and uh what do you do now insoles yeah we're number one supplier in the
07:28West Midlands area hit demand for insoles then just a bit mine we look around you
07:35how many feet are here you got what 20 old guests two feet each says it's a lot of
07:45feet yeah sure is what about you Graham what do you do oh here we go go on
07:53here tell him I'm a football manager Northampton town cobblers never really
08:00God you guys are doing pretty well yeah I'm doing all right they're really
08:06chucking that Dijon ah this is my eldest Alan Alan this is Tom he's next door's
08:12builder hello Tom you're you're gonna play football like your old man not unless
08:18they build a pitch in strange ways his careers advisor says he's gonna be a
08:22prison warden computers don't they I'll come off it computers can't predict the
08:28future my wife can mm-hmm yeah Deb soon she can oh you know see things she's
08:39right every time she knew I needed a root canal months before the dentist I'm
08:44trying to get her on to you bet but she doesn't like to shout about it it's true
08:49Dave's you psychic what did I just say who needed a computer when you had a chain
08:55smoking Cardi wearing oracle at your fingertips
09:07I come bearing gifts well gift oh I'm your new neighbor Jess thank you please do
09:16help yourself to a wine or a burger Chris look what I just found oh Ron
09:25so glad you could make it I wouldn't miss this for the world lovely to see you
09:29it's quite turn out well it is considering last time I let her near a dictaphone maybe
09:38just a quick reading Larry I call on the cop in peace
09:42well Ron there's nothing to see here my job it was my future I wanted spoilers I predict
09:48but you are going to need a rest after all this speaking of predictions if someone had a question
09:56about the future what do you want to know me God I don't know I haven't really thought about it I
10:03live in the moment me God you really put me on the spot you have Debs am I going to be a prison
10:10warden why do you want to be do you see me swinging around the tranchion course I don't it was a
10:16prediction well what else did this psychic say well no it wasn't a psychic it was a Commodore 64
10:25I'm not following you Alan I read a thing the other day that a prisoner made a machete out of a
10:31toothbrush swatted it out pulled it out and shanked someone Alan are you telling me this that computer
10:38rubbed me of my future Debs I should have some hope no second opinion please give me a reading
10:46maybe later love just finish me calling on the cop I can't relax with you working over there whilst we're
10:55having all this fun you sure I can't tempt you to a beer oh don't drink and drill Christine well
11:00there might not be any left later the old streets come don't want to get in trouble with the boss
11:06do I right wouldn't want to upset Jez why not you've upset everyone else I think you've had enough
11:14sorry Debs I know you've got everyone bending your ear just wondering if you see any babies on the
11:28horizon I think that ship sale don't you ship I am yes of that thank you no I mean grandchildren oh
11:36right always wanted to be nanny henge but Charlie's a bit of a heartthrob
11:41mm-hmm you're worried he won't settle well I'll uh I'll see what comes to me would you
11:50mm-hmm you getting anything it's not instant lovely weather for it dry yeah we've had some good times
12:03haven't we we'll have plenty more I'm sure seventh in the league
12:07you all right I'm not drunk already are you drunk no wish I was make this a lot easier
12:21oh hello it's funny you say about babies because I can see you with a big belly
12:31a big brown belly waddling you are around a shop what what
12:40no Debs oh is Nigel the father it's not Ron's is he because there is a frisson you're not pregnant
12:51no shoving something up your jumper oh yeah there's an arm on your shoulder I don't understand
13:02Debs is this sexual store detective caught in the act I have stopped all that I only did it twice
13:11for the adrenaline I get a 40 denny of tarts and a lip gloss oh now there's blue flashing lights
13:17you are scaring me oh look I'm sorry it's just I see what I see where's that drink here's me drink
13:23so what does she say I'm waiting for ads to do me you're right Ange oh you're very pale she sees it
13:32all your darkest secrets I'll come off it it's only a bit of a laugh it's not a laugh Christine
13:39she's got a third eye under that fringe it sort of gushes out of her things you do not want to know
13:47god knows what she said to Geraldine but she's just thrown her wedding in a bush
13:50oh no I'm still clear if I were you well clear but she can't see everything can she
13:59everything she knows you better than you know yourself
14:04Graham I got something I want to tell you okay
14:16that is work done oh Christine I couldn't have that beer that you were teasing me with
14:32jez and you sweet letting your builder knock off early
14:34mm-hmm and this shepherd's pie beautiful it's actually moussaka your wife's in the
14:43oranges hasn't she just uh devs oh I'm trying love I am let's leave it I think I'll get there
14:51love don't worry about the old prison thing the uniform's growing on me and who doesn't have a
14:56metal detector it's no trouble okay sirrah sirrah because I think I'm getting some leave it devs
15:07right gather round everyone after polishing off a caraffa wine mum was ready to address her subjects
15:14come on don't be shy I wanted to thank you all for coming it's lovely to see such a big turnout you
15:24might hate me but you love a free wine no no I'm sorry if my comments in the cron were a bit much I honestly
15:39didn't mean to patronize talk down to you we know what patronize means I never meant to put
15:47me foot in it size six high insults I love you all I do and if smiling and waving at you is a crime
15:55well then lock me up there you go that's your first customer I love seeing your little faces light up
16:00in fact you know what I'm going to do this again I'm going to do this bi-annually what's 176
16:12planned now I know that's a lot to you lot but if it spreads a bit of happiness because I love you
16:18no I do and I love my boys get up here boys where's my Alan wait eat drink and be merry I'm getting
16:28something there you go showtime she does this one it's the big one okay but she can't get a signal
16:34through the wall um no actually it's ever so clear this one should we do this inside I can see oh you're
16:42knackered Debs you don't know what you're saying they're saying clapping people clapping hundreds of
16:48them come on and one of those mirrors with the little light bulbs all around it oh his little face
16:58glowing oh and there's a camera I knew it mum this is my future come on Debs I'm gonna be famous
17:08not you in there Gary Gary me oh I knew she had it in her this is not fair he's to be in prison
17:20I should be the one on stage memory all alone in the moonlight I can smile at the old days
17:35Alan Alan Alan shhh people are eating love get off that you'll break it look I see what I see
17:43yeah we'll try seeing something else did you hear her little star god the papers have been knocking
17:49again there's more oh pack it in now Debs you've had your fun someone is moving on she's opened the
17:57floodgates now come on Debs someone is leaving oh I've got to go and feed the cat they're coming out
18:09of something difficult oh they've paid too great a price god all my hairs are standing up a secret
18:16burnt burns inside of him Graham I better tell you before Nostradamus does
18:27I'm leaving the club no it's gone sorry
18:33there's no more cash I've run out I can't take you any further
18:39oh oh great I've grabbed some kitchen rolls
18:57enough have hot dog they'll only go in the bin
18:59we can't help it we're just destined for greatness this family I'm not oh Alan since
19:10when have you listened to your teachers I can't be a prison Walden of course you can't you get
19:16claustrophobic putting on a roll neck I just thought that the future would be better than
19:21now oh Alan we'll have a brilliant future but you don't need all the answers now do you
19:34it's part of the fun finding your way working it all out I have to find my way to Broadmo first
19:42they are coming up with new jobs all the time you could be a robot or something look
19:47I can't tell the future like Debs but I know you'll have a job you'll be proud of
19:54whatever it is I'll be telling everyone I meet that's my son really because you were pretty quiet
20:02when I was shrink wrapping dog food on that industrial estate thanks mum I needed to wear that
20:08as Doris Day would say okay sarah sarah
20:15two nuns in a bath and one says where's the side second nun says
20:22I tried everything I really did got so many corners I even mowed the pitch myself for the last six months
20:31I should have said something I didn't want you worrying oh well I'm bloody worrying now well don't
20:39you are flying graham that's not down to me it's down to us no we did it together
20:47graham
20:51working with you has been the honor of my life
20:53I'll come off it you have been more of a brother to me than me own sister
21:02but that gypsy woman was right it's time for me to go so
21:10I'm gonna stand up and walk through those aluminium sliding doors
21:16no please don't
21:22I've never been any good at goodbyes
21:26fancy my soccer run oh that'd be lovely
21:37dad yeah how long's run staying because I want to watch brookside
21:42not long
21:51lock up will you
21:58i hear the train a coming it's rolling around the bend and i ain't seen the sunshine since
22:06i don't know
22:06i don't know
22:07i'm stuck in full strength
22:10that time keeps dragging on
22:12quiet down
22:18lights out
22:20down to san anton
22:24when i was just a baby my mama told me son
22:29always be a good boy don't ever play with guns but i shot a man in reno just to watch him die
22:43when i hear that whistle blowing i hang my head and cry
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