- 2 days ago
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00:00So, let's firm up those plans, then, eh?
00:07You, me, a bottle of pop and a large fish supper.
00:11What about the kid?
00:13Well, welcome.
00:15Suppose I can ask him to stick a Savaloy in as well.
00:17I mean, he's not going to be there too, is he?
00:19Not again!
00:20But a former Walkman, he can't hear a thing, I promise.
00:24You can make as much noise as you like.
00:27Jacky Moskrip, you're a terrible father.
00:30Yeah, but we're great.
00:31I'll see you Saturday.
00:33Both of you.
00:44They really are the most glorious things in the world, Malcolm.
00:49Forget the flowers.
00:50When I die, I want the church filled with beautiful women.
00:53Wall-to-wall stone foxes.
00:55No pigs.
00:58No eulogy.
01:00Come on.
01:01That's why it would be great if you could come to my dad's funeral.
01:04I don't think so.
01:05Sorry.
01:08Have you got...
01:08Are you sure you want me to do all these bats with lurpak, Gemma?
01:11It's very expensive.
01:13Just use what's in the fridge.
01:14All I'm saying is, I can do you a mix of spreads that'll bring the cost down without necessarily diminishing the taste.
01:20The key thing is to whip the store cup, add a bit of salt, a tiny bit of lard, and then add whatever butter of your choice before rounding it out.
01:28You just use what's in the fridge.
01:29I could save you up to two pounds, Gemma.
01:32I don't care about two pounds.
01:33And that attitude is why you'll never be a businesswoman, and I'm the OG boss bitch.
01:36Dad, how are you feeling?
01:43I still haven't managed to get any beautiful women to come to the funeral.
01:47Are you cheeky?
01:48I'll be there.
01:49I killed him, and then I let him down.
01:52Oh, my God, you need to stop this.
01:54You didn't kill him.
01:55He was on the list for a triple heart bypass.
01:57Those pills were the only things keeping him alive.
02:00And you've written such a lovely eulogy.
02:02He always said he didn't want one.
02:04Well, I bet he didn't want Rita's mad sandwich bed either, but that's what he's getting.
02:07Look, you've done the hard part, now you just need to read it out.
02:09Mm.
02:10You'll say something nice, though.
02:12Nobody wants to hear the truth at a funeral.
02:15Morning!
02:16Here you go.
02:17One eulogy.
02:18Oh, I changed the font from Impact to Times New Roman.
02:21Felt like the respectful thing to do.
02:22Oh, perfect, thanks.
02:24Go on, mate, go cry it out.
02:25Oh, can I have one of those?
02:26I skipped breakfast.
02:27I've been fasting.
02:29Found her out in my breadwin.
02:30Ew.
02:31Excuse fingers.
02:32These are for Jackie.
02:33I hate to break it to you, ladies, but Jackie's...
02:37Fine.
02:39Fucking hell.
02:41You get less food at a mafia funeral.
02:43Unless, of course, you've invited all of Jackie's exes, in which case it's not enough.
02:45You pig.
02:46Gemma's been working really hard on that buffet all week.
02:49Oh.
02:49Oh, oh, oh, oh.
02:51Oh, oh, oh, oh.
02:52Can put it in the back if you want.
02:55He is such a bellend.
02:57Comments like that only make me stronger.
03:00Oh.
03:01Oh.
03:02I can see a terror.
03:06Disgusting.
03:09Shit.
03:11Oh, jogging bottoms at a funeral, eh?
03:14I admire the sentiment, King.
03:15One last fuck you to the old man.
03:16I'm not doing that.
03:17Why would you think I was doing that?
03:18I'm not doing that.
03:19Relax, Malcolm.
03:20He was a JK.
03:21This is the last thing I'll ever get to do for him.
03:23I just want a day to be appropriate, all right?
03:26And I thought I bought a suit from the charity shop and I can't find it now.
03:29I mean, what if I didn't buy it, eh?
03:30What if I just dreamt it?
03:31Gemma!
03:32Fucking hell.
03:33You yelled?
03:34I got a suit from the charity shop, didn't I?
03:36Yeah, I took it to the dry cleaners, like you asked.
03:38Well, where is it now?
03:39Probably still there.
03:40I gave you the receipt.
03:41Did you?
03:41I can't think I've lost the receipt.
03:43I've lost the receipt.
03:44Dad, it's fine.
03:45You've got loads of time, okay?
03:46You can go down there now and just give them your name.
03:48What?
03:49It's a Malcolm Moss script.
03:50I can write it down to you if you want.
03:51Gemma, do you have any fancy bowls?
03:53What kind of bowls?
03:54Well, I wanted to decant the coleslaw from the plastic tubs into something nice.
03:58Show a bit of respect.
03:59Oh, that's lovely.
04:00I can use that.
04:02That's an ashtray.
04:03That was my granddad's.
04:04It's fucking filthy is what it is.
04:05Yeah, I can wash it, Gemma.
04:07If I have to.
04:08He's dead now, of course.
04:09Will you use a normal bowl, Rita?
04:11Yeah, but I can't find any.
04:13Oh, I could decant it into a mug.
04:15No.
04:15We're not serving coleslaw from a mug at my grandfather's wake.
04:19You know what I've just realised?
04:22I'm finally an orphan.
04:25Dad.
04:27Right, you take him to get his suit.
04:29Roger that.
04:29Come on, little orphan Annie.
04:31Starts at 86 minutes, doesn't it?
04:33Yeah, we'll meet you at the crematorium.
04:35And Rita, I'll find you something for the coleslaw.
04:38Something fancy.
04:40Right, Kerry there, won't let me have a mug.
04:45Feel grief.
04:48Oh, no, you sexy little bitch.
04:57Can we go in yours?
04:59Why?
05:01It's nicer, isn't it?
05:02Than the jag.
05:03No, it fucking isn't.
05:04Surely you want to arrive in your dad's classic car.
05:07It was his pride and joy.
05:08I can't.
05:10If I drive it, it means he's really dead, doesn't it?
05:12Malcolm, I think the fact that we're setting fire to him later is enough to suggest that he's really dead.
05:19Look, it's been over a month.
05:21You've got to drive at some time, King.
05:22Yeah, well, I will, just not today, all right?
05:24Jesus, all right?
05:27Such a baby.
05:31Okay.
05:33Oh, can somebody help us?
05:35Are you all right?
05:36Oh, God.
05:37Mm-hmm.
05:37Sounded like a sloppy one.
05:38All right, you just don't get any on you.
05:40I'll take care of this.
05:41Hiya.
05:42Thanks, babe.
05:42Oh, God, you are a stinky bum today, eh?
05:53Oh, Sadie didn't shit herself on purpose.
05:57Just wish I'd taken more photos of her and Grandad.
06:01Oh, lovey.
06:03Now it's too late.
06:04No, it isn't.
06:05Don't say that's never too late.
06:08Rita, it is too late.
06:10They can do anything with computers these days, Gemma.
06:12If you want, I can get you a picture of Sadie, Jackie, Jesus and Freddie Mercury.
06:17You're all inside a barn that's floated out to sea.
06:20I know someone that can do that.
06:22No, and not just photos.
06:25I could get that image printed on a mouse mat for you.
06:28A mouse mat.
06:30Imagine that.
06:32Eh?
06:32No.
06:47Can you have another look, please?
06:49There isn't anything under the name Malcolm Moss Clip.
06:52I have a photographic memory.
06:53When you put that to use in the dry cleaners.
06:55I also do alterations.
06:56Are we sure this is the right place?
06:57What is it?
07:01We'll have the dry cleaners and they haven't got my suit.
07:04Which one did you take it to?
07:05The one on Mayford Road.
07:06A dick called Johan works there.
07:08Is your name Johan?
07:09Yes.
07:10And are you a dick?
07:12Do you see any customer service awards in front of me?
07:15They haven't got my suit, so what am I going to do?
07:16Okay.
07:17Can you sort this out yourself?
07:20Look, it's my dad's funeral.
07:22In an hour.
07:23Have you got anything?
07:24Anything, please?
07:35I have something that might fit.
07:37It's not black.
07:38Okay.
07:38Okay.
07:46Hiya, Kat.
07:57Kat.
07:58Kat.
08:00Katkins.
08:01Oh, Gary there.
08:05Gary, did you get taller?
08:06Oh, it's the pins in my legs.
08:08I might get my arms done too.
08:09Can you imagine being able to reach things before other people?
08:12Amazing.
08:13Yeah.
08:14I've got to say, Gemma, thank you so much for sorting all this.
08:17What?
08:18The Kat said you'd come through on the day release.
08:21You had Grandad's heart pills, didn't you?
08:23Don't even joke about that.
08:26We'll tell the baby,
08:27Auntie Gem Gem moved to heaven and earth
08:29to make their conception possible.
08:31And special thanks to Grandad Jackie.
08:33He sacrificed himself
08:34so our baby could be.
08:36Fucking hell.
08:39Oh, yeah.
08:39This is Sue Kerr.
08:41Prison officer.
08:42My job is to help Catherine make correct decisions today.
08:46Or else.
08:50I've missed you so much, Kat.
08:52I'd let you push me off a million fire escapes.
08:55So things are properly back on with you two then?
08:57Yeah.
08:58Catherine explained it was a crime of passion.
09:00She's always been very passionate.
09:02Yeah.
09:02Not the word I'd use to describe her, but okay.
09:05Shut up.
09:05Catherine!
09:06Oh!
09:07Oh!
09:07Dad, what the hell are you wearing?
09:10Well, the dry cleaner's lost my suit, didn't they?
09:12So you borrowed one from RuPaul?
09:14I think Dad looks magnificent.
09:16Oh, thanks, love.
09:17Hey, it didn't look so bright in the bag, did it?
09:18It did not.
09:19Come here.
09:20Oh, bums.
09:22Sorry, Dad.
09:23I've used up all my hooks for today.
09:25It's prison rules.
09:27Aye, aye.
09:28What if I forget how to talk?
09:30You know, I've already gone a bit dry.
09:32Am I gone dry?
09:33Dad, no.
09:34It's a beautiful eulogy.
09:36Thanks.
09:37I'd better go and practice, okay?
09:39There is no way you think Dad looks good in that suit.
09:42Are you?
09:43Prove it.
09:44Prove it.
10:00There is no way.
10:00Ah-ha.
10:05Excuse me?
10:05Correct.
10:07No?
10:08No?
10:08No?
10:09No?
10:11No?
10:12You know, my dad never cries.
10:17Not even when he sliced his toe off, kicking my tamarai sword.
10:20Just different people, aren't you?
10:23Hi.
10:24Hi. I'm sorry.
10:26Why? What have you done?
10:27For your loss.
10:31Missed you.
10:32Thanks for coming.
10:37What is it?
10:39Your Auntie Jess, she's not going to come.
10:41Oh, Dad.
10:42Yeah, well, we had a tough relationship, you know.
10:45I think she thought he was a bit judgmental.
10:48I hope she'd call me, not just for me.
10:51Sorry.
10:52Oh, look.
10:53Here's a message from Tyrone.
10:56Oh, God, that's not very nice, is it?
10:59Right. I think it's time to kick off.
11:00Oh, sorry. We've got to wait for the celebrant.
11:03Uh, hello. Who do you think I am?
11:05Francis, I'm your celebrant super sub.
11:08I'm afraid your guy had a tiny bump on the A34 this morning.
11:11Is he okay?
11:12Yeah.
11:13He did manage to WhatsApp me some very comprehensive notes
11:15while he was waiting to be cut out of the wreckage.
11:17I'm such a pro.
11:19Where are my glasses?
11:22Oh, silly old Francis.
11:28I think we need to get on.
11:30Yeah.
11:32Great.
11:32John Richard Moskrip, Jackie, to his friends and family,
11:53was a devoted and loving father to Malcolm and Jessica.
11:57He's not here.
11:58Mia and adoring grandfather to Catherine.
12:01Yes. Top of the list.
12:03I've made it.
12:03Well done, baby girl.
12:04Gemma and mice.
12:07Why did I say mice?
12:09Mia.
12:10Yeah, that's my sister's daughter.
12:11Mia.
12:12Well, that's a name, is it?
12:13Yes.
12:14Hmm.
12:15I've never heard that name before.
12:16Well, Mia.
12:17Mia.
12:18Hmm.
12:18You learn so many every day.
12:19Mia.
12:20Mia.
12:20Mia.
12:21Bitch, I like it.
12:22Actually, I really like it.
12:23Yeah.
12:24Right, back to Jackie.
12:26Very recently, he'd become a great-grandfather to...
12:29Whoa, scroll past it.
12:30Sadie.
12:30Sadie.
12:31Yeah, now I do know that name.
12:32Well, sexy Sadie.
12:33Isn't she...
12:34Is she sexy?
12:35You're Sadie?
12:36She's a year old.
12:40Anywho, Malcolm Moskrip will now say a few words about his dear dead dad.
12:47You got it, King.
12:48You fucking got it.
12:49Okay.
12:49Slay.
12:50Okay.
12:50Fucking destroy it.
12:51Come on.
12:51Come on.
12:54My dad, um...
13:07Jackie.
13:12There's a lot to say about my dad.
13:16There's a lot I'd like to say.
13:17But you didn't want a eulogy.
13:26And he was very firm about that.
13:31And I'd like to honor him in the best way I can.
13:34If that's okay with you.
13:40Oh, shit.
13:40I can't do this.
13:53Yes, you can, Malcolm.
13:54Yes, you can.
13:54Eyes on me, King.
13:55You got it.
13:56Am I going in?
13:56Am I going in?
13:56Am I going in?
13:57I'm going in.
13:58I'm going in.
13:59I'm going in.
13:59I'm going in.
14:01I'm going to the gym.
14:02I'm going.
14:03I can't do this.
14:05Yes, you can, Malcolm.
14:06Yes, you can.
14:06Eyes on me, King.
14:07You got it.
14:08Am I going in?
14:08Am I going in?
14:09I'm going in.
14:10I'm going in.
14:10I'm going in.
14:11I'm going in.
14:11Baby, I'm your man
14:16Here we go, shoot
14:17Don't you know that
14:19Baby, I'm your man
14:23We'll dance together, come on
14:25If you told us, do it, do it right
14:28If you told us, do it, do it right
14:31If you told us, do it, do it right
14:35Do it for me, yeah
14:37Do it right now
14:39I thought everyone would join in once we hit that second verse
14:46Yeah, me too
14:47And you wrote that song yourself
14:49Amazing
14:50I wish you'd told me you were going to do that
14:52So you could talk him out of it
14:53Yeah
14:56Hi
14:57Hi
14:58Well, that was something
15:00Yep
15:01Okay, thanks for coming
15:03Sorry for you
15:04Sorry for your loss
15:07Well, I've got to keep the clothes under
15:09Yeah
15:11Oh, you're being so brave
15:13It's okay, thank you
15:14Oh, please
15:15Take your fucking time
15:16You're not the only one incinerating a family member today, mate
15:18It's quite a lot, isn't it, babe?
15:30Yeah, I didn't want people gossiping about there not being enough food
15:33But, of course, what they're going to be talking about is you hiring a chorus line of strippers
15:37God, you make it sound so seedy, Gemma
15:39You should have seen them at the audition
15:41Oh
15:42Gemma!
15:43I can't shake Suki off
15:44How are me and Gary supposed to go and make a baby if they keep following me round all day?
15:49Maybe this is God's or HM Prison Service's way of saying don't bother
15:52You having a baby?
15:54We're trying
15:55We're trying to try
15:56No thanks to Gemma
15:57Cat, what more do you want me to do?
15:59Draw him a map of where to stick it, get him hard for you, guide him in like cock hair traffic control
16:04Don't be so crude, Gemma
16:06I think it's a wonderful way to honour your granddad
16:08Thank you, Daddy
16:09You fucking bitch
16:10They weren't at the crematorium
16:12So, er, how did you know Jackie then?
16:16Hiya
16:17Hey!
16:18Derry's just told me how much they get paid
16:20Fucking hell
16:21Have you thought about Craig dancing at funerals?
16:23Well, I might have to
16:24Three months of applying and no fights
16:26I mean, what's wrong with me?
16:27Well, you were a single mum on maternity leave with zero qualifications
16:30Do you think I should stop putting that on my cover letter?
16:32Maybe
16:33Yeah
16:34I don't think they even knew who granddad was
16:35No?
16:36No
16:37I'm going to get my baps off that woman
16:38Okay
16:39I think that it's it
16:40Alright, come on
16:41Come on
16:42Come on
16:43Go
16:44Go
16:45Go
16:46Go
16:47Go
16:48Hiya
16:49I love a man in a suit
16:50What, even this one?
16:52Well, she'd ask me to dance for you Malcolm
16:54I'm very talkful
16:55Watch this
16:56Woo!
16:57Woah
16:58Rita
16:59Any other word?
17:00Yeah
17:01Quick word
17:02Yeah
17:03Will you stop trying to seduce my grieving father?
17:05I'm trying to lift his spirits
17:07Well, his spirits need to stay exactly where they are
17:10Gemma
17:11What?
17:12Can you distract Suki from me?
17:14We only need a couple of minutes, like 90 seconds max
17:17Jesus, Gary's a lucky guy
17:19I know
17:20Right, what do you want me to do and nothing illegal?
17:23Right, well, Suki, they really fancy your fit mate
17:27Yeah
17:28Cherry?
17:29Yeah
17:30Right
17:31So, could you like introduce them or something?
17:33And then me and Gary, we'll slip off to the bogs, make a baby, as is most great family tradition
17:39Go on
17:41Fine
17:42Yes
17:43Suki, can I introduce you to Cherry?
17:46Oh God, yes please
17:47Cherry, this is Suki
17:49Suki is my sister's
17:51Guardian Angel
17:52You are
17:53Just go with it
17:54Oh
17:55Aya
17:56You are very pretty
17:59Do you work with Catherine?
18:03She's in prison
18:04She's twist?
18:05You have not stopped all day today
18:07Yeah, well, I'm just trying to make sure that everyone's having a really great time
18:10At 08?
18:11I love wakes
18:12I think they're like weddings, but you just don't have to get anyone a gift
18:15Why don't you sit down and get a glass of his?
18:17No, because if I stop thinking about the food, then I'll think about the...
18:19Aya
18:20Hi Gary
18:21Where's Cat?
18:24Oh my God
18:25Gary?
18:27Run my goodness
18:28What?
18:29What?
18:30I'm finding her, just go
18:31Call you Casper
18:32Fucking killer
18:33Get off
18:34Gary, that's not how you make a baby
18:41Right, on your way Gary
18:42Malcolm
18:44Malcolm
18:45Sorry again Malcolm
18:47About the table
18:48And the food
18:50And your dad
18:51Oh, I should have said Dad first
18:53Why didn't you say Dad first?
18:54All I wanted was for my dad to have an appropriate send off, you know?
19:08Well I think we achieved that
19:13Plus we've got a family member on the run now
19:15You would have loved that
19:17I just wanted to say
19:19The whole day was great
19:20A bit weird
19:21But great
19:23My mum went to karaoke machine at her funeral
19:25Got talked out of it by family
19:27Regretted it ever since
19:29I'm Elodie, here's my number
19:31Yeah?
19:32Love the suit by the way
19:34Pfff, yeah
19:36Nice
19:37Like I'm gonna hire her again
19:42She cost a fortune
19:44God
19:46Oh
19:48Have I missed it?
19:49I can't believe I've missed it
19:52There was a crash on the A34
19:55Malcolm
19:57Tommy
19:58Finally
20:00In the flesh
20:02Well, you're a lot taller than I thought you'd be
20:04And about ten times more handsome
20:06I mean
20:07How sexy is this guy?
20:08Come on
20:10Bring it in
20:14Dad?
20:16Who's this?
20:18It's Tommy Musgrave
20:20Yeah
20:21Jackie's son
20:22The other son
20:24Dad, you've got a brother
20:28Yeah
20:30Me
20:34Cuddly Squid?
20:38Um
20:39Do one-year-olds like Squid?
20:41Well, Sadie's gonna have to get used to Squid, mate
20:43It's not gonna be long before she's having to fight them off in a post-nuclear wasteland
20:47This present needs to be perfect
20:49I read online that your first birthday present can set the course for the rest of your life
20:53No, total bullshit
20:54Just get her some fluffy bricks or something
20:56So, I'm still pretty livid
20:58You didn't tell me you had a secret brother
21:00Well, I didn't tell anyone, did I?
21:01That's why it was secret
21:02Hmm
21:03So what's Tommy's deal?
21:04What does he want?
21:05Well, he just messaged me out of the blue a few years ago, you know
21:08Said he was Dad's son and that they were living together in Spain
21:11Oh, suspicious, continue
21:13He found some photos of me and Dad and was asking awkward questions
21:16But my Dad told him I was an old work colleague and I had a brain injury
21:19So don't trust anything I said, you know
21:21So, Tommy knew about you and your sister and you knew about Tommy
21:24But your wife and kids didn't know anything
21:26And your Dad didn't know you knew or that you'd been in contact with Tommy
21:28But also, you didn't ask your Dad about Tommy even though he'd been living here for two months before he carked it
21:36Yeah
21:37Jesus, Malcolm, do you think this is why your family are so fucked up?
21:40Well, we just don't discuss those sorts of things
21:43What sort of thing? Having blood relatives
21:45Oh my God, this is...
21:47Okay, that's perfect
21:48That's Sadie's present
21:53Oh Malcolm! Help me! It's spunking its eggs down my throat!
21:57No!
21:59Hi baby!
22:03I spoke to the police again
22:04Oh yeah?
22:05Still nothing
22:07It's been over a week now
22:09I thought they had CCTV everywhere
22:11They do, but apparently they don't have the manpower to look at it
22:15Cat will be fine, you know Dad
22:17She's kind of a badass
22:19In a lazy way
22:20Good morrow, fellow Moskrips, good morrow
22:22Hey Tommy
22:24Brother from another mother
22:25Yeah?
22:26Niece from another piece
22:27Uncle from another spunkle
22:29Oh, awesome
22:30So, how are you finding Grandad's then?
22:32It's a bloody palace, Gemma
22:34Sure, the shower runs cold and the oven doesn't work
22:36But I'm more of a meat-crowave kind of guy anyway
22:40And is there a microwave?
22:41Nah
22:43Okay, gotta go
22:45Bye
22:46Your skin looks incredible, Malcolm
22:47Do you wild swim?
22:49No
22:51I sometimes shower with the window open
22:53A squirrel got in once
22:55Ha-ha
22:57Gemma
22:59I've got a surprise for you
23:00Come on, okay?
23:03Ta-da!
23:04Sadie's crash for when you come back to work
23:07Only a week to go
23:08Rita, you know Dad's gone part-time to help look after Sadie
23:11Yeah, but he might want a day off now and then to explore romantic avenues
23:15They are often self-sexy
23:18So put a load of bath mats down so she doesn't hurt herself
23:20And some toys from Crisis
23:25An uncooked bowl of rice?
23:26Exactly, yeah
23:28To attract a rat for her to play with
23:30It's a treasure hunt
23:32You know, you bury things in the bowl and Sadie digs them out, it's fun
23:37Okay
23:39Spanner and a biro?
23:40I don't know what baby's like Gemma, I'm not Mr. Bloody Tumble
23:43Of course
23:44This is lovely, Rita, thank you
23:46Pleasure hunt
23:49Oh my God, what is that?
23:51No, it's not anything weird, it's just one of Winnie's semi-dried figs, keeps Sadie regular
23:55Can I have it back now, Rita?
23:56Right, last one
23:57I don't want you shitting yourself again, I'm not mopping you out of this salon
24:00Oh, that was an accident
24:02That grouting has never been the same since, I can still smell it, I've still got it right up here
24:08Hi
24:10Do you have any balloons that say happy first birthday but also happy 56th birthday?
24:15She's having a joint do with her grandad
24:16Well these balloons are very popular, they keep their tumescence for up to six months
24:20Why?
24:21I think we'll just take a one, a five and a six
24:23Okie dokie
24:24Oh, you're so cute
24:27So, I can't do that pre-party lunch on Friday anymore
24:31Oh, are you getting your nails done?
24:33Do not go to my lady, they were so sharp last time, I could have climbed a tree
24:36It's not that
24:38I actually have a job interview
24:40Oh my God, babe, about f***ing down
24:42Go on then, tell me
24:44It's marketing, it's well paid, it's flexible, it's family friendly
24:49They have a creche, a normal one, not one with bath mats and rice
24:52Yeah, I mean I probably won't get it but
24:55Yeah you will, we'll manifest it
24:57Give Gemma the job, give Gemma the job, give Gemma the job
25:00I actually really, really do hope I get it
25:02How am I gonna tell Rita?
25:04Well she'll understand
25:06Like you said, the only way to get promoted at the salon is by stabbing her in the neck with a pair of barbering scissors
25:11Did I say that?
25:12I've been dealing with my rage towards Lance by watching a lot of true crime documentaries
25:17Erm, do you want curls on your balloons?
25:19Keep those away from me
25:28He looks well there, doesn't he?
25:31Malaga's a wonderful place Malcolm, you and Gem should visit
25:35And Jess, I can't wait to finally meet her
25:37She's got a hot tub
25:39Did you know that Malaga is known as Europe's hot tub?
25:42No
25:44So you know, me and Dad lived together until we had a massive bust up a few months ago
25:49Did he often fall out?
25:51Loads, yeah
25:53He was a difficult sausage, wasn't he?
25:55Yeah
25:57Did he ever use words like pathetic and disappointment?
26:01Like you're a pathetic disappointment
26:02All the time Malc, yeah, all the time
26:06You know, Dad got me to guarantee you some business loan
26:10And I paid the rent and all his medical bills
26:13Not that I mind, of course
26:15You don't win his family, do you Malc?
26:17I half hope to be something here to cover it all
26:22You haven't taken it out of the boxes have you?
26:24No
26:26Seems like the only thing to his name was that Jag
26:29Of course he never let me drive it
26:33Lucky old you, eh?
26:35I've not been able to sit in it since he passed, you know
26:38No
26:40Do you know why I'm upset?
26:42No, he was horrible
26:44Yeah, but he was our Dad, wasn't he?
26:48He was
26:52I thought he'd have something sexy lying around
26:53Me?
26:54Oh
26:55Okay
26:59It's what he would have wanted
27:01Here you go
27:02Okay, okay
27:03Alright
27:05That's, er
27:07Probably not a lot
27:09Tough
27:13To John Richard Moskrip
27:16A complicated old tosser
27:19To Jackie
27:20Tommy
27:24Tommy
27:26Oh God
27:27Oh, another late one with Tommy
27:29Yeah, we had a really nice chat though
27:32Good
27:33And then we watched John Wick 4 on his phone
27:35You know, it's so good to know that it wasn't just me who had a rough time with my Dad
27:40Oh no, he was an arsehole to Tommy too
27:42Yeah, he was awful
27:45Happy Birthday Dad
27:46Oh
27:48This is from Sadie
27:49You'll get mine later at the party
27:51Thank you darling
27:52She painted it herself
27:53I did the writing
27:54Her penmanship is abyssal
27:55Let's have a look, shall we
27:56What have you got
27:58Oh God, I love it
28:00He loves it, Sadie
28:02Look, it's got my name on it
28:03Yeah
28:04That's great
28:05Oh look, and this is for you
28:06Happy Birthday, little one
28:08We got Sadie
28:12Oh my God
28:13Sadie Martha Moskrip
28:16Oh Dad, I love that
28:18Solid gold as well
28:20Oh, and I've got you this
28:22Okay
28:23Look at that gorgeous, Sadie
28:26What's this?
28:27Look, Tommy
28:28Yeah, look, I'll push you in
28:34Dad?
28:35Yeah, it's 300 quid
28:37I want to open up a saving account in Sadie's name
28:39You know, I thought that could be the first deposit
28:40I thought that could be the first deposit
28:42Feliz cumpleanos
28:44That's Spanish for
28:45Happy Birthday
28:48Delighted to spend the day with my best ever brother
28:51Los dos hermanos
28:53The two Hermans
28:55You look fabulous Gemma
28:56Finish him out
28:57Could've given us a heads up that the party was formal dress
29:00Oh no, no, no, no
29:01Gemma's got a job interview this afternoon
29:03Oh yeah? What is it?
29:04Well, a nice man or lady will ask me questions
29:06And if they like my answers, they'll give me money
29:09In exchange for my time and soul
29:11Could change me and Sadie's life if I get it
29:13You'll get it
29:14Of course you will be
29:15Do you want my advice?
29:16Oh, yep, be yourself
29:18Christ, no, lie through your teeth
29:21They've got a problem and you're the solution
29:23And maybe rub yourself with freshly baked bread
29:26People love the smell
29:27Isn't that a tip for selling houses?
29:29Can't hurt
29:30Good suggestion, Malcolm
29:31Good suggestion
29:32I'll have the bag in for you
29:33Lovely cup of tea
29:43Would you like some branded tap water?
29:46No thanks
29:50Dustin will see you now
29:52Third floor of Office 5
29:53Okay
29:55It's a bit quiet, isn't it?
29:57Yeah, most people work from home on a Friday
29:58Not me, though
30:01Never me
30:03Oh
30:12Did somebody order face paints?
30:14I can do tigers or zebras
30:15But if anyone wants a unicorn
30:16They can F off
30:18I'm not drawing a load of knobs on children's heads
30:19It's not right
30:21Hello, birthday boy
30:23You can come over and paint my face later
30:24If you like
30:26Hello Sadie, love
30:28Here we go
30:29Happy Birthday King
30:31And before you ask, yes
30:32I have got you a super awesome prezzy
30:34And no, it is not another fucking novel
30:35About old ladies who self-crime
30:37Oh, I love them
30:38No you don't, Malcolm
30:40Derek, I'm thinking about giving Tommy the jag
30:43Are you absolutely fucking insane?
30:45Oh look, my dad left him with loads of debts
30:47And he always paid for everything
30:48So I just thought it would be nice
30:49Malcolm, have you got any actual proof?
30:50He's even your brother
30:51Well his email is
30:52The script loves nachos
30:53At hotmail.com
30:54So fucking what?
30:55Oh, and I've seen his driving license
30:57Yeah
30:58Because those are so impossible to fake
31:00Check this out
31:02Meat
31:03Randy Mondozo
31:05Jebba Dye Fountain
31:07Layertes Mackenzie Reed
31:09Sound like made up names
31:11Oh, do you want to say that to Jebba Dye's face?
31:13Cause he will fucking slap you down, mate
31:15He's from France
31:17Look, you have to think about these things, big dog
31:19Okay? I bet
31:20I can internet detective Tommy's arse in under three seconds
31:23Aha, there you go, see?
31:25Tommy Moskrip, pictured with Father Jackie
31:26Outside famed Malaga
31:27Oh, that looks real actually
31:29There he is
31:34Jaime, Malcolm, you smell amazing
31:37I swear, he's aging backwards
31:39Have you lost weight?
31:40Well, I just didn't have any breakfast
31:42I'll take those for you
31:47Okay, if he is your brother
31:48Something is up
31:49Cause there is no fucking way he likes you that much
31:51Huh?
31:53Where are the car keys?
31:54In my pocket
31:56If you give him that jag, Malcolm
31:57I will disavow you
31:58Don't make me disavow you on your birthday
32:01Okay
32:03What does disavow mean?
32:04I don't know
32:05Heard it on a film
32:18Is this part of the interview?
32:22Oh my god
32:24Help! Help!
32:26Oh my god
32:27I don't know how to use this
32:29Epi pen
32:31Pull off blue safety cap
32:32Hold orange tip
32:33Inject into thigh
32:34Trousers on or off?
32:36Trousers on or off?
32:38Right, lie down
32:40Touch him or it
32:42Uh
32:46Okay
32:47Inject into thigh
32:58Thanks
33:00I sat on a bee
33:02I'm Gemma by the way
33:03I'm here for the marketing interview
33:06You didn't need to take my trousers off
33:07Well I didn't know if it would work without
33:10It does say on the label
33:12It's quite small writing
33:13I was in a bit of a hurry
33:14Yeah
33:15Just for future reference
33:16Trousers stay on
33:17Stay on
33:18Great
33:20Do you want that back?
33:21Thank you
33:23Erm
33:25My husband's away
33:27So the laundry's not been done
33:29Hence the trunks
33:30Oh
33:33Is this the right place for the birthday party?
33:34Oh yeah
33:36Jebediah Fountain booked the superhero show
33:38For erm
33:40Little Malcolm Oskarit
33:41Yep yep yep yep yep
33:42Thank you
33:43Changing rooms over there
33:44Thanks, cheers mate, off you go
33:45Isn't that
33:46Yep, that's my prezzy to you
33:47Correct?
33:48Well a superhero show
33:49That's much more than that Malcolm
33:50Much more
33:53Go and play with Sadie
33:55And behave
33:57Happy birthday
33:59The blue one's for you
34:00I know, so cliche
34:01You'll never guess what it is
34:02Is it Pam?
34:03Oh
34:05How much of the play equipment's bolted to the floor?
34:07Er, none of it I don't think
34:08Fuck
34:09Don't tip it over
34:10Don't tip it over
34:11Oh Winnie
34:13Coats are over there
34:14Prezzy's on the side
34:15Ooh, squash
34:16Sorry, you are?
34:17I'm Doctor Rush
34:18I'm Gemma's GP
34:19Oh
34:20Erm, do you know anybody else here?
34:22Er, no
34:24Thankfully I'm a hoot
34:25Once the Sambuca starts playing
34:26No, no
34:27Come on, shoo
34:28Er, there's squash on the side
34:30Yeah, she'll find it Malcolm
34:32So
34:34Do you have any marketing experience Gemma?
34:36Just cause it says here that your current role is sweeping up hair
34:41Well actually I'm on maternity leave
34:43But yeah, when I'm back me and the broom were like this
34:47Er
34:48Well there's been an admin error
34:50I don't know how you've slipped through the net but this position's not for you
34:55Please
34:58Why do you even want this job?
35:00Because I love marketing
35:02Nobody loves marketing
35:04Okay
35:07I didn't really want a proper career
35:09Yeah
35:11But then I had a baby
35:13And all of a sudden there's this helpless creature
35:16Who needs me to look after her and you know that's all on me
35:19Ambulance please
35:20Are you okay?
35:21EpiPen's wear off unfortunately
35:23But please do, carry on
35:24Right
35:26So yeah, there's this
35:28Fire inside me now
35:29Jackson House, Stockport, Whitfield & Hitchens Marketing
35:32And I just
35:34I want to provide a better life for my baby
35:37And for me
35:39And this job, it would be the first step
35:42Anaphylaxis, EpiPen administered with the effects are starting to wear off
35:45Thank you
35:47And I really would give everything I've got to you
35:49And this company
35:51I just need someone to take a chance on me
35:54That's a great pitch
35:56It's exactly the sort of spirit we're looking for actually
35:58Unfortunately you are still not qualified for the job
36:02Look, there is a junior position in our Glasgow office
36:07I think you'd be perfect for it
36:09Glasgow?
36:11Yeah, do you want it?
36:15Yeah I do
36:16I really want it
36:18Well congratulations Gemma, you've just joined the rat race
36:21I'm going to get in the recovery position now
36:24If you could just wait in reception for the ambulance and let her know I'm up here
36:28Yes
36:32So I did get the job?
36:33Affirmative
36:47Oh!
36:49Happy birthday baby girl
36:51Hey, how did it go? How was the interview?
36:54Yeah, I got offered a job
36:56Oh great!
36:58Congratulations!
36:59Yeah, it's in Glasgow
37:01Right
37:05Which is why I turned it down
37:07What do you mean you turned it down?
37:09Yeah, well I accepted it at first but then called them back on the drive here
37:13Can't leave you lot
37:15Er, excuse me?
37:17A little bird told me that you were looking for a job with career prospects
37:21You should have said
37:23Let me train you up
37:25I can get a grant to send you to college
37:27You could be the next Nicky Campbell
37:29Nicky Clark?
37:30Hmm, even better
37:32Oh, oh yeah, they're coming
37:34They are
37:36Come on
37:38Alright, boys and girls, who like superheroes?
37:41Malcolm does!
37:43No he doesn't
37:44Yeah, I do, I do, I do Derek, I love them
37:46Okay, I am the legally distinct American captain
37:50Dilf Rogers
37:51Well it's not just me today
37:53You won't like him
37:54Please welcome
37:55The Honk
37:57Roar!
37:59Honk punch
38:01Honk punch
38:02Honk punch
38:03Honk punch
38:05That's also working for me
38:07Why?
38:08Why is it working for me?
38:09Jesus, do I know you at all?
38:10Uh
38:12Gentlemen, can you be quiet please?
38:13Have you no respect for the arts?
38:14Cherry?
38:16No
38:17Our story begins
38:19In space!
38:21Once upon a time
38:22In a planet not so far from this one
38:24Wait, where's the cake?
38:38What?
38:39Well you did get one then
38:40I thought you were being all modern
38:42No, it was on the side in the kitchen
38:44Is it a woke flavour?
38:46What would be a woke flavoured birthday cake?
38:49Red velvet?
38:50For fuck's sake
38:51Look, I'll go and get it
38:52Just...
38:53You enjoy the party, alright?
38:56Rita
38:57Stop it
38:58In the fridge
38:59I can't wait
39:00Tired
39:01Nothing
39:02You want to go and go up
39:03We'll go up
39:04to the bank
39:09To the bank
39:10Drop the bank
39:11To the bank
39:12That gate
39:13To the bank
39:14To the bank
39:15On the bank
39:16Do the bank
39:17To the bank
39:18And we'll take the bank
39:20To the bank
39:21To the bank
39:22To the bank
39:23I don't know
39:24what's going on tommy milk what are you doing
39:47you know i deserve that fucking car more than you do
39:52i've got up with dad's shit for years so you thought you'd steal from us what from sadie
39:58where are the car keys malcolm i've got a flight to catch and a dealer waiting to take it off my
40:03hands derek's got them so i could call him and then he'd come around hey so what do you think about
40:08that yeah you're just like our dad aren't you yeah and we're both cursed with that one malcolm
40:17what do you mean you heard gemma she turned that job down because of you could have been a ticket
40:24to a better life but no she's stuck here with her sad old man that's not what's happening i spent 20
40:29fucking years of our dad i hated him towards the end yeah well i won't let you steal off sadie
40:34don't you don't get up don't go you have no idea what a gift he gave you
40:44he got out your fucking way
40:46that's what he did
40:58and there is nowhere left for your head to turn yeah there's no
41:24nowhere left for your head to turn history repeating but without the learning
41:32now you have to spend their energy coming for anybody who doesn't get it right who really gets it right
41:44and i'm a ghost it's a machine and now they're following where i've been but what are you looking for i'm just like you but boring
41:56and in the end i'm coming clean i spent my whole life lying about the things i want about the things i should have done
42:10why has birth to be taken so long
42:19why has birth to be taken so long
42:21and i think that's what i need to say you know what i'm on track today i'm on track today
42:25dad what are you doing
42:35what are you doing
42:39what are you doing
42:41what are you doing
42:47What are you doing?
42:50You'd have taken that job a bit, hadn't it been for me.
42:52I'm holding you back.
42:54Don't be stupid.
42:55You said it would have changed your life.
42:59Yeah, but I don't want to change it.
43:01I want to grow it here, with you.
43:04Just saying that, aren't you?
43:05Oh, God.
43:07Now I wish I got your therapy for your birthday
43:09instead of that very lovely jumper that's waiting for you inside.
43:13I can't do this without you, Dad.
43:17I need you.
43:21I know I love you.
43:25We love you.
43:28But I love you, too.
43:32Shall we go back into the party?
43:34Yeah.
43:36Rita wants me to paint her face.
43:38I bet she does.
43:41Oh, my God.
43:42Can you lot keep the noise down?
43:44Are you all right, Brenda?
43:47I'll see you next time.
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