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BRITCOM I
  • 2 days ago

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00:01I thought you'd never ask me out on a date.
00:03What gave you that impression?
00:05The many, many times you never asked me out.
00:09I was... just worried.
00:12Things might change after you had the baby.
00:16What baby?
00:24What the fuck?
00:26No.
00:27Can I order some more drinks?
00:30Yeah.
00:31Excuse me, mate.
00:39Sadie!
00:40What are you doing down there?
00:43It's okay.
00:44It's okay.
00:47Dad?
00:52What?
00:53Sadie!
00:54No...
00:55Sadie!
00:56No...
00:57No...
00:58No...
00:59No...
01:00No...
01:01Sadie!
01:02No...
01:03No...
01:04No...
01:05No...
01:06No...
01:07No...
01:08No...
01:09No...
01:10No...
01:11The baby's crying love.
01:12Oh, is she?
01:13Thanks.
01:14She's very, very loud.
01:16Have you just got in?
01:18I've been out entertaining my wonderful butcher friend, the Sausage Man.
01:21So things are getting serious with the Sausage Man, then?
01:24Sausage Men are never serious, Gemma.
01:26They drift in and out of one's life like the wind.
01:29Yeah, that's famously what Sausage Men do in all the romantic sausage poems.
01:33Are you hungry? Because he could knock you up a sandwich in no time.
01:37He's here.
01:38Hiya, Gemma.
01:40Mum, we had a conversation about this.
01:42He turned up with a massive pack of chops, Gemma.
01:44I wasn't going to say no.
01:45No, get him to leave now.
01:48You need to keep your stress levels down while you're feeding.
01:51Don't want your milk to taste bitter.
01:56Come here, you.
01:58Oh, now that is a big bit of me.
02:02Thin walls work both ways.
02:05Malcolm?
02:08Malcolm?
02:12What is it? What is it saying? What's the matter?
02:15How the fuck should I know?
02:16Malcolm, I told you not to sleep up here between the hours of 7 a.m. and 11 p.m.
02:20Yeah, I'm sorry. I just couldn't get to sleep last night.
02:22There was a big, complicated fight over some crab paste.
02:25I didn't want to get involved yet.
02:27Malcolm, sleeping men produce a terrible odour.
02:31Ow!
02:31And you know I'm trying to run a top-class professional establishment here.
02:36Derek, the door's broken again.
02:39Oh, for fuck's sake.
02:42Lawrence, don't you think I have enough fucking admin on my hands without having to worry about
02:48fixing every single fucking broken fucking door in this place?
02:52The front door.
02:53Oh, the front door. I'm sorry. Why didn't you say?
02:56Jesus Christ!
02:58What?
03:00I, me and the others,
03:02we don't think it's fair that Malcolm stays for free
03:07and we all pay rent.
03:10Go away, you pathetic piece of shit.
03:20He's right, mate.
03:21Oh, cool.
03:22You're going to have to start chipping in.
03:23Otherwise, they're just going to set fire to your sleeping bag
03:26and throw it down the bin chute.
03:27I've seen it before.
03:28I mean, it's been three months.
03:29I thought Davina would have left by now.
03:33So you want me to put some MDF over the front door?
03:36Eh? Stop strange men getting in?
03:38Malcolm.
03:40We are the strange men.
03:48Oh my God, I am so tired.
03:52Why?
03:53Aren't you just supposed to sleep when she sleeps?
03:56Oh yeah.
03:56I'll just curl up in a ball here, shall I?
03:58Why don't Mum help you with a baby?
04:00A baby has a name.
04:01Yeah.
04:03Brenda.
04:04For fuck's sake.
04:06Right, so.
04:08Don't take this the wrong way.
04:10But Gemma, you look like shit.
04:13Me?
04:14Yeah.
04:15Yeah, you've got grills.
04:16Yeah.
04:16How did you even get grills?
04:18I made it.
04:19Out of a Bakewell tart tray.
04:22I've got me own little accessory side hustle in here.
04:25It's like Etsy, but with knuckle dusters.
04:28It's good to have career goals.
04:29The wonderer finally returns.
04:41Oh, there we go.
04:44How's your downstairs doing?
04:46Yeah, my downstairs is fine, Rita.
04:47I had a C-section.
04:48Well, how's your upstairs doing?
04:52Oh, still tender.
04:54Oh, wait till you get to my age. Everything's tender. Upstairs, downstairs, front and back.
05:01Well, you need to be very careful, Gemma, because one of my ladies who had a caesarean,
05:05well, baby couldn't have been more than a fortnight at all when she saw that picture of a cat who looks like Phil Foden
05:10and laughed so hard the scar just tore open and her innards fell out, splat, right onto her thighs.
05:15She had to take herself off to her knee, carrying a bit in a Tesco bag.
05:21Thanks, but I think I'm past the innards in a shopping bag phase now.
05:27Were you very tired?
05:28Yeah. I've not had more than two hours' continuous sleep since Sadie was born.
05:32I thought your mum had moved in.
05:34Yeah, she has. She was great at first, although that might have been the painkillers.
05:38Now, three months later, I'm not so into it.
05:40And, er, what's Malcolm been up to?
05:43He's too scared to come over while Mum's there, so I've not seen much of him.
05:47Rita, what's this?
05:48Well, speaking of your father, these are my new erotic mugs, Gemma.
05:52This is a sexy man's chest with a willy for a handle.
05:55He's made no sense anatomically. Why has he got a giant-sized penis coming out of his ribcage?
05:59I'm trying to become one of those places hen parties go to.
06:02You know, nails, brows, cocks.
06:05Rita, you don't know the first thing about nails or brows.
06:10I do know about cocks, though.
06:11That was the implication.
06:13I bet you've been around a few cocks, haven't you, Winnie?
06:15Oh, it brings back memories, this, Rita.
06:18Winnie, you mucky bitch.
06:22Erm, would you judge a man for wearing pink deodorant?
06:24Probably.
06:29Oh, shit.
06:30Dad?
06:31Are you hiding?
06:32Is your mother with you?
06:34No.
06:34Well, then I'm not hiding, am I?
06:38Oh, God.
06:39Oh, God, she's grown up so much, hasn't she?
06:41Look at her, she's massive.
06:43And there's a little beefcake on you.
06:45Oh, she misses you.
06:46Oh, I miss her as well.
06:49Jesus, you're all right, love.
06:50You look knackered.
06:52You getting enough sleep?
06:53Yeah, just a rough night.
06:54All right.
06:55How's the sad man bed sit?
06:58Hey, yeah, great.
06:59Yeah, I love it there.
07:00Back in your old room?
07:02Yeah, well, almost, you know.
07:03Definitely within spitting distance.
07:07How are things with your mum?
07:09Great, she's there.
07:10Yeah.
07:13Would you judge a man for wearing pink deodorant?
07:15I don't think it's pink when you put it on.
07:17Grab me one of those, actually.
07:30Christ, Jemmy, mum's still being a nightmare.
07:32Tell you what, I'm coming over.
07:34You jump in the shower, I'll get Sadie off to sleep.
07:37Oh, I'm not having fun, babe.
07:39I'm not going through your laundry and your dirty knickers.
07:41Mm-hmm.
07:42Special eats.
07:43Mum's room, but I'm not allowed in there.
07:45She said very firmly I was not allowed to go in there.
07:47We are definitely going in there.
07:49Okay.
07:55What do you think she's hiding?
07:56God knows.
07:57But if you see a man holding sausages, promise me you won't scream.
08:00What the fuck?
08:04Oh, my God.
08:06What a bougie bitch.
08:08She's punishing me, isn't she?
08:10For being a dick when I was a newborn.
08:12She's waited 25 years and this is her revenge.
08:16No.
08:17I'll get it and whoever it is, I'll tell him to fuck off.
08:19You just lie down and get some rest, yeah?
08:24So...
08:25Done.
08:26Thanks.
08:26Generally.
08:27Uh, yeah.
08:28No.
08:29Oh, no.
08:30I didn't want to keep messaging, so I finally just came over.
08:35I've got presents for you and for Sadie.
08:38Uh, Sand, mate, Sadie's having a nap.
08:43I wasn't expecting her to give me a catwalk or anything.
08:46Oh, well...
08:48Oh, you want me to leave?
08:51Well, it's the only time that I can actually get some sleep.
08:53I mean, look at the state of her.
08:54Fuck off.
08:55Well, um...
08:57Another time?
08:59I don't know.
09:00Another time?
09:01Sure.
09:02It's ours.
09:02So, how are we going to get rid of your ex?
09:16Well, we have to.
09:17I mean, you know, I think Gemma likes having her mum around, so...
09:20Aw, I don't give a fuck.
09:22I need you off that landing before there's a mutiny, Malcolm.
09:26We could...
09:28No, you'd never go for it.
09:30What?
09:32We could inform MI6 that Davina's been grooming kids into joining Alkalita.
09:37No.
09:40No.
09:41No, no, I didn't think you'd go for it.
09:43I did come up with some other ideas while I was on the bog.
09:45You know, if it did move back in with Gemma, it'd be best if it didn't seem to be my idea, you know?
09:50Spoke like a true soy boy.
09:54Nice job.
09:56Wait, how do we get in now?
09:58It's like a cat flap.
10:00A bop for fellas.
10:02That is...
10:04absolutely...
10:05fucking genius!
10:09Shall I go?
10:10After you.
10:11The maiden voyage?
10:12Yeah.
10:13Meow!
10:15You know what doesn't need sterilising?
10:19Tits.
10:20Tits.
10:21Yeah.
10:21Well, she gets plenty of breast milk.
10:23I just use formula sometimes because it helps me out.
10:26Oh.
10:27It's all about her, isn't it?
10:29Selfish mummy.
10:30Baby wants nip-nip.
10:32I absolutely destroyed my breasts for you and Catherine.
10:35It's only right and fair you do the same.
10:37God, mum, you must be desperate to get back out there.
10:39See the world.
10:41More of it.
10:42New bits of it.
10:43I'm not going anywhere, Gemma.
10:45You need me.
10:47Oh.
10:47Oh God, that is a smelly one.
10:49Okay, well can you change her?
10:50Because I've got to finish this.
10:51Sorry, love, I can't.
10:53I'm off for a bikini wax.
10:55Full Hollywood.
10:56Do you know, I never used to bother.
10:57But it's expected these days.
10:59I had a dalliance with a 28-year-old and he shrieked when he saw my thatch.
11:02Oh my God.
11:03It used to be different, of course.
11:04When I had Catherine, the midwives told me to keep it as full as possible.
11:08You know, to clean her on the way out like those big brushes at the car wash.
11:13Is that what they told you?
11:14Do you know, I never once got brought up.
11:16And I won't be home for dinner.
11:17But it's your turn to cook.
11:20I have got you some slim fast so you can make a start on shifting that baby weight.
11:24My cousin was eight stone one month after giving birth.
11:28Because she was in a coma.
11:30I know.
11:30Intensive care did wonders for a waistline.
11:33I was quite jealous.
11:34Love ya.
11:35Love ya.
11:38Oh baby.
11:41Should we kill Nana?
11:44Yeah.
11:45Yeah.
11:46Yeah.
11:47Should we kill Nana?
11:53Or should we kill Mummy instead?
11:56What if Gemma doesn't want me to move back in with her?
11:59Dad!
12:00Gemma!
12:00I can't take living with Mum anymore.
12:02How do I get in?
12:03Use the flap!
12:04Use the flap!
12:06Don't be ridiculous.
12:07Alright, come round the back.
12:08But don't tell anyone there's a door there.
12:13It's my door.
12:14Go round the back.
12:18Round the back.
12:22Whoa.
12:24Is this where you've been staying?
12:26Now I've got an airbed on the landing.
12:28My personal private space is very important to me.
12:31Especially at night.
12:33Mm-hmm.
12:34Why's that?
12:35He plays Minecraft.
12:36Shut the fuck up.
12:37So, what is on the list of ways to get rid of Davina?
12:42Well, she's allergic to tomatoes.
12:45Okay, good.
12:46So we make her something with tomatoes.
12:51A soup, perhaps.
12:52Then she ends up unconscious.
12:54So we gaslight her into thinking that she never even lived at Gemma's and it was a dream all along.
12:58Uh, yeah, but it's only a mild allergy.
13:00It just makes her tongue itch.
13:01Oh, for fuck's sake.
13:03She's also allergic to horses.
13:04Oh, yeah.
13:05Excellent.
13:05Okay, I can work with that.
13:07Do you mean eating or hanging out with?
13:09Hanging out with.
13:10Great.
13:11So here's what we do.
13:12We, um, fill the flat with horses.
13:16Um, three horses.
13:19Four horses?
13:20No, okay.
13:21Different tack.
13:22Uh, what is she afraid of?
13:25Love.
13:26Emotional intimacy.
13:27Yeah, Brian.
13:30Yes, Degsy, mate.
13:31Yeah, yeah, I know.
13:32I think I've got an idea.
13:36Oh, come on, then.
13:37What are you thinking?
13:38Okay.
13:39So, the only thing in the world that my mother is afraid of is getting back together with Dad.
13:48Yeah.
13:49Which is why he's going to propose to her.
13:51Propose what?
13:52Propose marriage.
13:54No way.
13:55Oh, how much sleep did you get last night?
13:57All in one go, 37 minutes.
13:59And I feel pretty fucking amazing, actually.
14:01This is a good idea.
14:02Okay?
14:02This is a good idea.
14:03I mean, has anyone got a better idea?
14:04No, no, no.
14:05It's a great idea, love.
14:06It's a great idea.
14:07It's a shit idea.
14:08It's the only idea we've got, so let's go with it.
14:10Thank you, Derek.
14:12God, I knew you'd have faith in me.
14:13All right, don't overdo it.
14:14Has she seen her GP recently?
14:16I can't do it.
14:17I need you off my landing, Malcolm.
14:19And I need her out.
14:20Come on.
14:21Come on.
14:22Come on.
14:28I don't want to do this.
14:31What about those horses?
14:32Are they still available?
14:33Sure, you can bail, Malcolm.
14:35But the guys did mention suffocating you in your sleep again, so it's up to you, I guess.
14:39Dad, she needs to go, remember?
14:41I, I'll, uh, I'll give it a go.
14:45Okay.
14:46Okay.
14:47We'll be listening.
14:51This is going to be a disaster, isn't it?
14:54Never missing it, Gemma, is that?
14:55Don't you fucking dare.
15:10Malcolm.
15:12Give me a...
15:14You look, um...
15:16Danny.
15:17Come on, Dad.
15:19Why are you here?
15:22Why, uh...
15:23Was that like a glass of water?
15:25No.
15:26Yes, me too.
15:30Um, right.
15:33Haven't you back in our lives the last three months?
15:36Gemma's life.
15:37Barely seen you.
15:38Been hiding at Casa Luzer.
15:41It's, uh...
15:42Well, it's made me realise...
15:45God's sake, spit it out, Malcolm.
15:48The hole that you left.
15:51Hole.
15:53Mm-hmm.
15:55And I'd like us to, um...
15:57Rekindle our relationship.
16:02You are?
16:03Oh.
16:04I thought you were going to ask me for the money back from the house sale.
16:07Oh, but can I have that money back?
16:09No.
16:10Oh.
16:13Well, uh...
16:14Um...
16:15I, uh...
16:16Whatever I said.
16:19Whatever I did, you know.
16:23I didn't mean it.
16:25It's Barlow.
16:26He's gone Barlow.
16:27I...
16:27Just wanted you back for good.
16:31Gemma!
16:32Shit.
16:37What's going on?
16:39Dad wants you back.
16:40Does he?
16:41Yeah.
16:42Yeah.
16:42Definitely back for good, yeah.
16:45Do you?
16:46Right, well, I don't want him back.
16:48Mum, it's so cute.
16:49He says he's madly in love with you and that he will not leave this house until you agree to remarry him.
16:53Did ya?
16:56Oh, mighty God.
16:57Such a fucking sorry boy.
16:59I am swept away by the romance, Malcolm.
17:02Oh, go on, you lot.
17:03Clear out.
17:04Got a sausage mum coming round in a bit.
17:06We did our best, didn't we?
17:07She says sausage, man.
17:08Okay, Mum, how about this?
17:14Will you please get the fuck out of my home?
17:18Fucking hell.
17:19Yeah.
17:20I mean, I love you, but if you don't go, I'm going to chuck myself out that window.
17:23Aren't we on the ground floor?
17:24Shut up.
17:25It's the sausage men, the late nights, the slim fast, the eating my biscuits.
17:30Oh, I know you do, because I've seen you take them.
17:32Okay?
17:33You're driving me insane.
17:34Either you go, or me and Sadie will, and it's my name on the lease.
17:37That'll be really fucking annoying.
17:47This isn't working out for me, Gemma.
17:49I'm sorry, but I think it's time for me to leave.
17:52What the fuck?
17:54I literally just said that.
17:56I can't stay here forever, much as you'd like me to.
17:59The world is calling me back to it.
18:03You understand, don't you, love?
18:06Yeah.
18:07I don't understand.
18:10You need a mate.
18:14The first few weeks of having Sadie, I couldn't have coped without you.
18:19Tell Malcolm he can keep the candles.
18:20I do have one tiny bit of advice.
18:27This first year is a very precious time, Gemma.
18:31Work out what it is what you want, and start reaching for it before you go back to work.
18:36Because once the grind starts, work, baby, life, you'll be trapped.
18:45Right.
18:46Your taxi's here.
18:47And before you know it, you'll have spent 20 years living with your father.
18:51It's the mistake I made.
18:52And I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
18:55Good luck, love.
19:02Good luck, love.
19:02Well, there you go.
19:20Fresh sheets, eh?
19:23I've just put a clothes wash on.
19:27And I was thinking,
19:29in the next couple of nights,
19:30I can do a feed for you,
19:32and you can get some sleep.
19:36I'm so glad to be back, love.
19:38I've missed you so much, Miss Bothy.
19:40We've missed you.
19:43And I want you to know
19:44that I will never, ever leave you again.
19:50Not until that one goes to university, anyway.
19:56You rest now, eh?
20:04Oh, hey, there's a Popeye in here.
20:11What the hell?
20:20Sadie!
20:21Sadie?
20:22Dad?
20:23Oh, my God.
20:26Jesus Christ.
20:27I thought she'd been kidnapped.
20:29Well, you'd want to kidnap Sadie.
20:31You wouldn't want to kidnap Sadie.
20:32What's wrong with her?
20:32She's perfect.
20:33Well, all right, love.
20:34Have you had a big coffee down the shops?
20:37Yeah.
20:38Why are all the toys outside?
20:39Because plastic is toxic.
20:41I mean, if Sadie had that,
20:42she'd be in real trouble.
20:44Because of choking?
20:44No, I've thrown out everything that's choked size.
20:46Choking is a hazard.
20:47But ingesting or even touching plastic is catastrophic.
20:51I've been doing some research on the YouTube.
20:53Oh, God.
20:54All plastic is evil.
20:56And I don't want to make the same mistake with Sadie
20:57as I made with you and Catherine.
20:59I mean, she's in prison, isn't she?
21:01I know.
21:02But not because she ate the feet off her Barbie.
21:06Or that.
21:08Well, what's she going to play with now?
21:09Oh.
21:09Ta-da!
21:14That's all I could afford, you know.
21:16They're really expensive.
21:17That's how you know they're good.
21:18What does it do?
21:19Um, well, not everything has to do something, Gemma.
21:22Look, she loves it.
21:23Look, look.
21:24Look, little car, look.
21:26He's coming around the corner.
21:28He's coming around the corner.
21:29What's he doing?
21:31Fucking hell, Gem.
21:32What?
21:33That's the colour that they wear on G-Wing.
21:36They'll have you scrubbing the toilets
21:37quicker than you can say I used to be hot.
21:39Yeah, well, the beige hides the milk stains
21:41and I am still hot.
21:45You washed your cute pharmacist out yet?
21:47No.
21:48Not yet.
21:49But when I do, you know,
21:51never been turned down.
21:53If you're sure that you've still got it...
21:56Got it?
21:57No, I am it.
21:58Then, um,
21:59well, you won't mind doing me a teeny tiny favour
22:02and tugging me solicitor off.
22:06That's not a favour.
22:07That's like, I don't know, a salt.
22:09Oh, no, no.
22:10No, no, no, no, no.
22:12He'll like it.
22:14Cat.
22:15He won't return me calls.
22:17The answer is still no.
22:21The old Gemma would have done it.
22:23No, she wouldn't.
22:25Anyway, just in case you change your mind,
22:28he really likes the sting
22:29and the smell of anti-bac gel.
22:33Don't ask me how I know that.
22:35I'm not gonna.
22:43Heya, baby.
22:47Three lemons and a stick?
22:49Yeah, three organic lemons.
22:50Only the best for my granddaughter.
22:52Stick's not organic, then?
22:53Well, it better be.
22:54It cost me a tenner.
22:54Dad,
22:57I was wondering,
22:59how would you feel about babysitting Sadie?
23:01Well, what do you think of being done
23:02for the last three hours?
23:03No, I mean, like, all night.
23:05Oh.
23:06I kind of miss the old Gemma.
23:09You know, the one who went on dates?
23:11Had fun.
23:12I'd love to.
23:15Can Derek come over?
23:16Absolutely not.
23:17Hiya.
23:28Gemma,
23:29you look amazing.
23:31What, really?
23:33I've got you a present.
23:35Wow.
23:36Yeah.
23:37It is a yellow box
23:39of hypodermic needles.
23:41That's amazing, that.
23:43Gemma, thank you.
23:44Didn't you give birth like six months ago?
23:45Mm-hmm.
23:45People keep hold of these things for years, don't they?
23:47Because you can't just chuck them in the bing, can you?
23:50No.
23:50No, you can't, Gemma.
23:51It's medical waste.
23:52Exactly.
23:53Which is why I did not do that.
23:56Uh, look,
23:58sorry if I've been a bit
23:59distant lately.
24:02Have you?
24:03Just having a baby's such a big thing,
24:05and I was
24:06thinking,
24:09well, I wasn't,
24:09I wasn't sure,
24:11but I thought maybe you'd want space.
24:13Oh.
24:14What I actually wanted
24:16was some very large sanitary pads.
24:19Yeah,
24:19yeah,
24:20of course,
24:20of course,
24:21sure.
24:21I'm joking.
24:23It's a joke.
24:23Ha-ha.
24:25Do you want to have a night out soon?
24:30Yeah.
24:31Yeah,
24:31I would,
24:31I would absolutely love that.
24:33Me,
24:33you and Cherry.
24:34Yeah.
24:36Or just
24:37me and you,
24:38alone.
24:39I should have told you
24:43I've seen someone else.
24:44I only found out myself
24:45a few days ago
24:46when I popped in
24:46from our knit shampoo.
24:47Yeah,
24:47it's fine.
24:48I'm fine.
24:49I'm fine.
24:51It's okay not to be fine.
24:54I missed my chance,
24:55didn't I?
24:56Did I ever even have a chance?
24:57Sandra was really into you,
24:58trust me.
24:59He just
24:59moved on.
25:03Fucking hell.
25:04I mean,
25:05I just had a baby.
25:06I know.
25:07Meant that very simple creatures.
25:11Alright,
25:11King,
25:12I bought supplies.
25:13Shh,
25:13shut the door.
25:16Right,
25:17come on,
25:17talk to me,
25:17just help me.
25:18Okay,
25:18so.
25:21Wow.
25:23This
25:23is my weapons-grade
25:24pulling dress,
25:25okay?
25:26I wore this on my best-ever
25:27night out,
25:28which we will be recreating
25:29tonight down to the very
25:30last detail.
25:30I just want to snog
25:31someone really quick.
25:33And that.
25:34Shush,
25:34shush,
25:34shush.
25:35You better stop shushing me.
25:36You know,
25:37I find it triggering.
25:38And you do know
25:39that baby's not asleep,
25:40don't you?
25:41Gemma doesn't want you here.
25:42Oh,
25:43fucking
25:43bitch.
25:45Hey,
25:45not in front of Sadie.
25:46She's going to have to learn
25:47sometime, Malcolm.
25:49Anyway,
25:49I bought supplies.
25:50Yeah,
25:51I don't drink around the baby,
25:52do I?
25:52It's not booze.
25:54I got you a really big tub
25:55of nappy creme.
25:57Does it have plastic in it?
25:59No,
25:59I don't know.
26:00What's he like?
26:07What's he like?
26:08If you want me to go,
26:09just say.
26:10Just stay here until Gemma's gone,
26:12all right?
26:13Get that dog.
26:13You're complicit now,
26:18Sadie.
26:20Not ready to go through
26:21that again.
26:22Took me a year
26:23to even look at Lance's torch
26:24after I gave birth.
26:25TMI, babe.
26:26And when I did,
26:27it was another eight weeks
26:27before I could even touch it.
26:29Okay,
26:30am I forgetting anything?
26:31Oh,
26:31passport.
26:32Yes.
26:32I was joking.
26:34Well, no,
26:34we're not going to leave the country,
26:35but we might hire a yacht.
26:37In Stockport?
26:38Yeah,
26:38the old Gemma did it twice.
26:41Oh,
26:42do you want to punt those bad boys
26:42before we head out?
26:44Are you kidding?
26:45These are working for me tonight.
26:47Okay,
26:47so,
26:48if you want to take her
26:48for a walk in the morning,
26:50you've got nappies,
26:51wipes,
26:52spare clothes.
26:54I don't think I need that,
26:57love.
26:58And if there are any problems...
27:00Yeah,
27:00don't worry,
27:00I'll just call you.
27:02No,
27:02I was going to say,
27:02can you try and sell it
27:03by yourself?
27:04Yeah,
27:05sure.
27:05Not if it's an emergency,
27:06but try not to call
27:07if you can't find the cheese grater,
27:09or scissors,
27:10or batteries for the new remote.
27:11Yeah.
27:12Oh, yeah.
27:13Okay.
27:14I mean,
27:15how much trouble
27:15can one man and a baby
27:16get into sat in a flat all night?
27:18Fire,
27:18flood,
27:19they've drinks bleach.
27:20Right,
27:20shut up.
27:23Hiya.
27:24Night,
27:24ladies.
27:26Right,
27:26hey,
27:26pizza time.
27:28You know what?
27:29I'm feeling a bit adventurous,
27:30so I might have that one
27:31with the egg on it.
27:32Ah,
27:32yeah,
27:32I should have said sooner,
27:33boss man.
27:33We're going out.
27:34What?
27:35No,
27:36no,
27:36me and Sadie
27:37are not leaving this flat.
27:38No way.
27:43So this kitten
27:44we're going to pick up,
27:45do you think it'll be
27:45all right with Sadie?
27:47You know,
27:47what if she gets a rash?
27:48You still got that creme?
27:50Yeah,
27:50I might have been
27:51fibbing about the kitten.
27:52Oh,
27:54you,
27:55oh,
27:55turn this car around.
27:56Yeah,
27:57you know I'm not going
27:57to do that,
27:58Malcolm.
27:58God,
27:59I've got one job
28:00and that's to look
28:00after Sadie
28:01and to have coins
28:02for parking.
28:03Relax,
28:03it's not like
28:04I'm taking us
28:04all abseiling,
28:05is it?
28:08All right,
28:09look,
28:10my eldest
28:10has informed me
28:12that her mother
28:12is getting remarried
28:14and tonight
28:15is the engagement party.
28:17Oh,
28:17mate,
28:18I'm sorry.
28:19Obviously,
28:20I don't give a fuck.
28:21Okay,
28:21get your hands off me.
28:22All right,
28:24why am I
28:25inside here?
28:25You two are here
28:26to help me ruin her night
28:28just like she
28:28ruined my life.
28:32British tapas.
28:37Yeah,
28:37this place
28:38might have changed a bit.
28:44It's giving banka-wanka.
28:46Oh,
28:46sorry I'm late.
28:47I'll catch up.
28:48Three of those,
28:49please.
28:49No problem.
28:50Rita,
28:51they're not ours.
28:52No.
28:55Have you had some tea?
28:57You know,
28:57lined your stomach?
28:58Well,
28:58my plan was
28:59to grab a chip butty
29:00on the way here
29:01but I got myself
29:01accidentally locked
29:02in a park.
29:03The only thing to eat
29:03was litter and pine cones
29:04and that's not a good tea
29:06by anyone's standards.
29:07You got locked
29:08in the park.
29:08Yeah,
29:09but I'm fine now.
29:10Do you want to tell us
29:11what happened then?
29:12Not every single element
29:13of my life
29:14is up for grabs
29:14as an anecdote.
29:16Right,
29:16I thought we'd start
29:17with white Russians.
29:18Ooh,
29:19boozy milkshake.
29:20Yum.
29:22What's up,
29:22General Love?
29:23Hey,
29:24you said milk.
29:26Oh,
29:27Sadie's feeding time.
29:30Babe,
29:30we can go if you wanna.
29:31This place is mid.
29:33I don't wanna go.
29:35No,
29:35you know what?
29:35I haven't had any action
29:36for months.
29:37I am not leaving here
29:38until I've been felt up
29:39at the very least.
29:41Yeah.
29:41Why don't you ask
29:42your dad for a photo?
29:43Oh,
29:43yes,
29:43please.
29:43Make sure you get
29:44his chest air in.
29:45Of the baby.
29:46We can have both.
29:48Hey,
29:48come on.
29:49I wanna get battered.
29:50Slow down.
29:51Sorry.
29:52Christ,
29:52this is gonna be
29:53a right fun night,
29:54isn't it?
29:54I'm not sure
29:56about this,
29:57mate.
29:57Okay,
29:57Malcolm,
29:57once again,
29:58you're being a massive pussy.
29:59Don't let me down.
29:59Come on.
30:00This is life or death.
30:01All right,
30:01my love.
30:01It's all right.
30:02Granddad's here.
30:07Derek,
30:08Derek,
30:08I'm just a bit worried.
30:09You know,
30:09like she,
30:10she might see something
30:11a bit untoward us.
30:12Oh,
30:13Malcolm,
30:13grow up.
30:15It's a family boozer,
30:16not a strip club.
30:18Okay,
30:19this is our little secret,
30:20okay?
30:20Don't tell your mama
30:21like this.
30:22Good girl.
30:24There's a dog in here.
30:26There's a massive dog
30:27in here.
30:28All right.
30:29Degsy.
30:30So where's this
30:31engagement party then?
30:31Wrong red lion,
30:32mate.
30:33Look,
30:33Deb's left it here.
30:34This is our red lion.
30:35Not anymore.
30:36She's changed.
30:37She likes feta cheese now.
30:40Such a bitch.
30:42Oh,
30:42God.
30:44It's from Gemma.
30:45She wants a photo
30:46of Sadie
30:47and we're not
30:48in the flat,
30:48are we?
30:49Jesus Christ,
30:50Malcolm,
30:50she's not expecting
30:50a picture
30:51of her baby
30:51perched on the
30:52fucking cooker,
30:53is she?
30:53Yeah.
30:53Just get in really tight.
30:54Give it in.
30:55Give it in.
30:55Go on,
30:55go on.
30:57There you go.
30:57See,
30:57right up close.
30:58Piece of piece.
30:59Can we go home now?
31:00No.
31:01There are six other
31:02red lions
31:02within a half hours
31:03driving distance
31:03of Deb's new place,
31:04so we'd better crack on.
31:06Cheers,
31:06Gav.
31:06Cheers.
31:07Oh,
31:07Deb's barred,
31:08by the way.
31:08Consider it done.
31:12Shh.
31:12Is that my baby's nose?
31:17Can you take it
31:18in a cupboard?
31:19Proper one,
31:20please.
31:21Right,
31:22come on.
31:23So tell me,
31:24whatever happened
31:24on this best ever
31:25night hour?
31:26Oh,
31:27okay.
31:28So I drank cocktails,
31:29I danced until dawn,
31:31I watched the sunrise
31:32with a very gorgeous
31:33personal trainer
31:34called Mason,
31:35who months later
31:36gave me an STI.
31:37But we'll skip over
31:37that bit.
31:38Mason Groves?
31:39Oh my God,
31:39you know him?
31:40Only by reputation.
31:41My mate works
31:42of Knob Clinic.
31:50This is the last
31:51red lion we're going
31:52into,
31:52you understand?
31:53Yeah,
31:54you said that
31:54three red lions ago.
31:55Sadie's tired
31:56and I need to change her.
31:57Is that a baby?
31:59Yeah.
32:00Why?
32:02Why is it a baby?
32:03Why do you bring
32:04a baby in here?
32:05Um,
32:07is there possible
32:08anywhere I could
32:08change a nappy?
32:09There's no ladies'
32:10toilet.
32:10There are no ladies.
32:15There's no ladies?
32:17I think.
32:19They're gents
32:19are down there.
32:20Okay.
32:22I'd better go
32:22and check it out first,
32:23all right?
32:24All right,
32:24I'll wait here.
32:24Yeah, I'll take it.
32:25What are you doing?
32:26I don't want to take her
32:26in there.
32:27There could be men
32:27in there,
32:27couldn't there?
32:28Hurry up.
32:40I wouldn't go in there,
32:48mate.
32:49The seat's made
32:49of plastic.
32:50And kicked in shit.
32:52Look.
32:58Dad,
32:59I asked you
32:59for a proper picture
33:00ages ago.
33:02Wait,
33:02where are you?
33:03I'm in the flat,
33:04obviously.
33:07Who's with you?
33:08Is Derek there?
33:10No,
33:10no.
33:11It's, um...
33:12Foz.
33:14Foz?
33:14Hi, Foz.
33:16What are you doing
33:16with my dad?
33:17I'm having a piss.
33:19He's joking.
33:20Yeah.
33:20Oh,
33:21actually,
33:21he's not joking,
33:22no.
33:22Foz is a mate
33:22from work
33:23and he's just
33:23come round
33:23to use the toilet
33:24because his is broken,
33:25you know,
33:25so we're just
33:25at the bathroom.
33:26You're in there
33:27with him?
33:28Yeah,
33:28just,
33:29you know,
33:29showing him
33:30the bath mat.
33:31Anyway,
33:31Sadie was asleep
33:32but she's awake now
33:33so I'll send you
33:34some photos,
33:34all right?
33:34Okay,
33:35see you later.
33:38I think I got
33:39away with that.
33:39Going to finish
33:41my piss now?
33:42Oh, yeah,
33:43yeah,
33:43no problem.
33:44All right.
33:47Why does your dad
33:48look absolutely
33:49terrified?
33:50Hmm.
33:51Well, that him
33:51is nice.
33:54That's a yucca plan,
33:55is it?
33:56I think we're a
33:56skinny lad.
33:57Oh, yeah.
34:00Yeah,
34:00you're right.
34:05Mmm.
34:07Now that
34:08is a tasty snack.
34:09Oh,
34:09if you're getting
34:09a snack,
34:10Gemma,
34:10I would love
34:11some peanuts.
34:12Yeah.
34:15Oh,
34:16bye.
34:17Hey.
34:18Bye-bye.
34:18Hi.
34:19Do you have
34:19your friend,
34:19Belkine?
34:20Mm-hmm.
34:21She's not had
34:21any tea,
34:22so.
34:24I'm Hodge.
34:25Paul Hudson.
34:26People call me Hodge.
34:27I'm Gemma.
34:28People call me
34:29Gemma.
34:30Ah!
34:31Ow!
34:33You have
34:33a heart attack.
34:35Well,
34:35let's hope so.
34:37So,
34:38tell me about
34:38yourself,
34:38then.
34:39Well,
34:39I'll work in...
34:40Actually,
34:40no,
34:40I can't do that.
34:40I need to whimper.
34:43Cherry!
34:44Oh,
34:45yeah.
34:49Hi.
34:50How'd you go,
34:50babe?
34:50My boobs
34:51are about to explode.
34:52Oh,
34:52right.
34:53Oh,
34:53they're fake.
34:54No,
34:54you're bellend.
34:55They're full of milk.
34:56Oh,
34:56my God,
34:57why?
34:57She's just had a baby
34:58and she's missed a feed.
34:59How do I make it stop?
35:00You need to get the milk out.
35:02Shall I get a pen lid
35:03and a knife?
35:04Why?
35:05Like when people's
35:05throats swell up,
35:06stab the pen lid in
35:07and release the pressure.
35:08You want to perform
35:09a tracheotomy
35:09on her tears?
35:10Well,
35:11I don't know.
35:11How do men know
35:12so little about
35:12the female body?
35:14Come on,
35:14babe.
35:17I'm coming.
35:18Just pick me back.
35:20That's it,
35:20I'm calling the cab.
35:22Well,
35:22can I borrow Sadie,
35:23then?
35:24Oh,
35:24what?
35:24I'll bring her back?
35:25Why did you even drag us along
35:27tonight,
35:27eh?
35:31The plan was
35:32to turn up at the engagement party
35:35and pretend I'd had a baby
35:36with a much
35:37younger,
35:38fitter,
35:38less of a massive
35:38bitch woman.
35:40And who was I
35:41in all this?
35:43Personal assistant?
35:45I know,
35:45I know,
35:46it's stupid,
35:46I just,
35:47I wanted Debs to think
35:48that I was doing great
35:49without her
35:50and I wasn't some
35:50sad loser.
35:54Oh,
35:54mate.
35:56Come on,
35:57you know a sad loser.
35:59Oh,
35:59finally,
36:00the fucking kids
36:00are giving me
36:01the actual address.
36:02Let's go,
36:03Mux.
36:03Let's go.
36:04I'm going to change
36:05her first,
36:06though,
36:06OK?
36:06All right,
36:07come on.
36:07Shh!
36:09You need to self-express,
36:10babe.
36:11Are you generally
36:12massaging your breasts?
36:13No,
36:14I'm punching them
36:15with bricks.
36:16She shouldn't even be here.
36:18She should be at home
36:19with her baby.
36:20Who the fuck
36:21asked your opinion?
36:23Are you starting on me?
36:24Oh,
36:24once I start,
36:26there's been a complaint.
36:30Nurse,
36:31you're no milking in here,
36:33I need you to leave.
36:34What?
36:35Did you grasp?
36:36Oh,
36:38no,
36:38it's Gemma.
36:39Dad,
36:40we're coming home.
36:41No,
36:41no,
36:41don't do that.
36:43Yes,
36:43I do need to do that
36:44because I need to pump.
36:46Disgusting.
36:47Oh,
36:47my God,
36:48are you not at the flat?
36:49What?
36:50Where are you?
36:51I'm in Derek's car,
36:52we're going to the Red Lion.
36:54Which Red Lion?
36:55We'll drop you a pin.
36:56Do join us,
36:57Gemma.
36:57Fucking you.
36:58Sorry.
36:59Don't apologise.
37:02Oi,
37:02Rita.
37:03Are you coming or what?
37:04Oh,
37:06get me a Bacardi and Coke
37:07and I'll catch you up.
37:09Eh?
37:10Don't touch my hair,
37:11Nata.
37:12Yes,
37:12Mummy.
37:12Give me that bag.
37:30Yeah,
37:30I can explain.
37:38It's so painful.
37:39Okay,
37:43so,
37:43here's the plan.
37:44No,
37:44there is no plan,
37:45okay?
37:45I need to express this incredibly painful milk
37:47and pour it down the sink
37:48because it's probably 30% Chardonnay
37:50and then I'm taking my baby home,
37:51okay?
37:52Disable toilets?
37:53At least you get your own sink.
37:54Yeah.
37:54Why are you so spiteful?
37:55You can't just give me two fucking minutes
37:57to go find my ex-wife,
37:58bring her over
37:58and introduce you as my hot new girlfriend,
38:00can you?
38:01Have you lost your fucking mind?
38:02Gemma,
38:03everyone says we'd make a great couple.
38:05Malcolm says it all the time.
38:07Would it hurt just to play along?
38:09Eh?
38:09I mean,
38:10Deb's is a real bitch,
38:11apparently.
38:15Derek,
38:16you need it.
38:17You invited me?
38:18Yeah,
38:19of course I did.
38:19Ages ago.
38:21But did you not get it?
38:22Andy's been eating the mail.
38:24Who the fuck
38:24do you two hang around with?
38:27Me and the kids
38:27have been a bit worried about you.
38:28I'm fine.
38:30Oh,
38:31hello.
38:34Oh,
38:34who's this gorgeous little thing?
38:36Sadie.
38:37She is my new daughter.
38:39Oh,
38:39we're not doing that,
38:40are we?
38:40Mm-hmm.
38:40And this is her mother,
38:42my beautiful fiancee,
38:43Cherry,
38:43who was also really fucking hot
38:45and not a total harpy.
38:46Fiancé?
38:48Don't fucking dare.
38:49And this
38:50is my bodyguard,
38:51Malcolm.
38:53Kevin Coaster.
38:54Malcolm,
38:55Kevin Coaster.
38:56Okay.
38:57Well,
38:57it's an improvement
38:58on last time we saw you,
38:59eh?
38:59See that?
39:05Total fucking bitch.
39:06She sings really nice.
39:10Are you sure she's a bitch,
39:11mate?
39:14She's wonderful.
39:15She's the love of my life
39:17and I messed it up,
39:17Malcolm.
39:18There you go,
39:18mate.
39:18There you go.
39:19Come on.
39:21You know what to do,
39:22don't you?
39:22Yeah.
39:23Yeah.
39:23Yeah.
39:23Hello.
39:33So much for a fun night out.
39:35It's been pretty shit.
39:37You ever miss your life
39:38before the twins?
39:39Oh, God.
39:40I did it first.
39:41When you're in the thick of it,
39:42you're thinking,
39:42what have I done?
39:43Why two at the same time?
39:45That's not.
39:46I'm gonna leave the one
39:47that does not stop crying
39:48under a bush.
39:50But when you realise
39:51you're there
39:53your entire universe,
39:55there is no going back
39:57to your real life.
39:59More importantly,
40:01you don't want her.
40:04Thanks.
40:07If it helps,
40:08I really like you, Gemma.
40:11And Sadie,
40:12fucking adores her.
40:17Oh, God.
40:23Oh, my God.
40:25Dad!
40:28No, it's okay.
40:29It's right.
40:30Look,
40:31they're not made out of plastic.
40:36Want to like it
40:37before the police turn up?
40:38Yeah.
40:40Come on.
40:41Sorry, Debs.
40:42Fuck you, Marcus.
40:43Fuck you, Marcus.
40:43Fuck you, Marcus.
40:47Finish them.
40:52Hello, Marcus.
40:54You've got to be down live,
40:55baby,
40:56give me up for you.
40:56Thanks, Jesus.
40:57Take care I'll try to get out.
40:58forsaken love
40:59Whatever.
40:59You have to say.
41:00Once I take care of you,
41:00to get our light on the port,
41:01you have to be able to...
41:03Just tell me,
41:04give me up the room.
41:05Once you have to get it,
41:06it's aС.
41:07One time.
41:07Give me up…
41:07Here.
41:08Previously,
41:08here.
41:10May I have to keep it over there.
41:10You came up here,
41:10with love waiting for me.
41:11I know you're waiting for us to
41:13put this on the remove,
41:13and wait for you.
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