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  • 5 hours ago
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00:00Are you alright, love?
00:03No! I'm not alright, Dad! I'm pregnant!
00:05Is there someone who can go along with you?
00:07My mum's just ran off with her and my dad's savings.
00:09My sister's on remand.
00:10I won't be judged by a woman who tried to have her fiancé murdered.
00:13Tried and failed.
00:14Oh, my God!
00:16It's my coat, isn't it?
00:17Why can't you behave like a fully grown adult?
00:20Which lucky tosser did you pick as your birth partner in the end?
00:22Look at that!
00:23You know, I reckon I could get my head through that.
00:25You think you can fit your head through your daughter's cervix?
00:27Having a baby is like being love-bombed by your own DNA.
00:29You're not good enough for her!
00:32What the fuck is that?
00:34Dad, it's happening!
00:39There's a visitor for you, Gemma.
00:41Do either.
00:42Hiya, Mum.
00:52I thought you'd never ask me out on a date.
00:54What gave you that impression?
00:56The many, many times you never asked me out.
01:00I was...
01:02just worried.
01:04Things might change after you had the baby.
01:08What baby?
01:16What the fuck?
01:17No.
01:18Oh, God.
01:19Then I'll order a similar drinks.
01:20Yeah.
01:21Excuse me, mate.
01:23Sadie!
01:24What are you doing down there?
01:25It's okay.
01:26It's okay.
01:27It's okay.
01:28It's okay.
01:29Dad?
01:30I'd like the lady to meet her from that.
01:32What?
01:33Sadie!
01:34What are you doing down there?
01:35It's okay.
01:36It's okay.
01:37It's okay.
01:38It's okay.
01:41Dad?
01:42I'd like the lady to meet her from that.
01:45What?
01:46The baby's crying, love.
01:47Oh, is she?
01:48Thanks.
01:49Oh, she's very, very loud.
01:50Have you just got in?
01:51I've been out entertaining my wonderful butcher friend, the Sausage Man.
02:05So things are getting serious with the Sausage Man, then?
02:19Sausage men are never serious, Gemma.
02:21They drift in and out of one's life like the wind.
02:24Yeah, that's famously what sausage men do.
02:27In all the romantic sausage poems.
02:29Are you hungry? Because he could knock you up a sandwich in no time.
02:32He's here.
02:34Yeah.
02:35Hiya, Gemma.
02:36Mum, we had a conversation about this.
02:38He turned up with a massive pack of chops, Gemma.
02:40I wasn't gonna say no.
02:42No! Get him to leave. Now!
02:44You need to keep your stress levels down while you're feeding.
02:47Don't want your milk to taste bitter.
02:53Come here, you.
02:55Oh, now that is a big bit of me.
02:59Thin walls work both ways.
03:07Malcolm!
03:11Malcolm!
03:12What is it? What is it saying? What's the matter?
03:18How the fuck should I know?
03:19Malcolm, I told you not to sleep up here between the hours of 7am and 11pm.
03:24Yeah, I'm sorry. I just couldn't get to sleep last night.
03:26There was a big complicated fight over some crab paste.
03:29I didn't want to get involved yet.
03:30Malcolm, sleeping men produce a terrible odour.
03:35Ow!
03:36And you know I'm trying to run a top-class professional establishment here.
03:40No, Rick.
03:42The door's broken again.
03:44Oh, for fuck's sake, Lawrence.
03:47Don't you think I have enough fucking admin on my hands
03:51without having to worry about fixing every single fucking broken fucking door in this place?
03:56The front door.
03:58Oh, the front door. I'm sorry. Why didn't you say?
04:01Jesus Christ!
04:04What?!
04:05I, me and the others,
04:08we don't think it's fair that Malcolm stays for free
04:14and we all pay rent.
04:18Go away, you pathetic piece of shit.
04:26He's right, mate.
04:27Oh, cool.
04:28You're gonna have to start chipping in.
04:30Otherwise, they're just gonna set fire to your sleeping bag
04:32and throw it down the bin chute.
04:34I've seen it before.
04:35I mean, it's been three months.
04:36I thought Davina would have left by now.
04:40Do you want me to put some MDF over the front door?
04:43Hey, stop strange men getting in.
04:45Malcolm.
04:48We are the strange men.
04:56Oh, my God, I am so tired.
05:00Why?
05:01Aren't you just supposed to sleep when she sleeps?
05:04Oh, yeah.
05:05I'll just curl up in a ball here, shall I?
05:06Why don't Mum help you with a baby?
05:08A baby has a name.
05:10Yeah.
05:12Brenda.
05:13Fuck's sake.
05:15Right, so...
05:17Don't take this the wrong way,
05:19but Gemma, you look like shit.
05:22Me?
05:23Yeah.
05:24Yeah, you've got grills.
05:25Yeah.
05:26How did you even get grills?
05:27I made it.
05:30Out of a Bakewell tart tray.
05:32I've got me own little accessory side hustle in here.
05:35It's like Etsy, but with knuckle dusters.
05:37It's good to have career goals.
05:43Hey!
05:44Fuck's sake, Gemma, you fuck up Brenda.
05:49Oh, the wanderer finally returns.
05:51Oh, there we go.
05:54How's your downstairs doing?
05:56Yeah, my downstairs is fine, Rita.
05:58I had a C-section.
06:00Well, how's your upstairs doing?
06:03Oh, still tender.
06:05Oh, wait till you get to my age.
06:08Everything's tender.
06:09Upstairs, downstairs, front and back.
06:12Well, you need to be very careful, Gemma.
06:14Cos one of my ladies who had a caesarean,
06:16well, baby couldn't have been more than a fortnight old
06:19when she saw that picture of a cat who looks like Phil Foden
06:21and laughed so hard, the scar just tore open
06:24and her innards fell out, splat!
06:26Right onto her thighs.
06:28She had to take herself off to her knee,
06:29carrying her bits in her Tesco bag.
06:31Thanks, but I think I'm past the innards in her shopping bag phase now.
06:39Were you very tired?
06:41Yeah.
06:42I've not had more than two hours' continuous sleep
06:44since Sadie was born.
06:45I thought your mum had moved in.
06:47Yeah, she has.
06:48She was great at first,
06:49although that might have been the painkillers.
06:51Now, three months later, I'm not so into it.
06:53And, er, what's Malcolm been up to?
06:56He's too scared to come over while Mum's there,
06:58so I've not seen much of him.
07:00Rita, what's this?
07:02Well, speaking of your father,
07:04these are my new erotic mugs, Gemma.
07:06This is a sexy man's chest with a willy for a handle.
07:09He's make no sense anatomically.
07:10Why has he got a giant-sized penis coming out of his ribcage?
07:14I'm trying to become one of those places hem parties go to.
07:17You know, nails, brows, cocks.
07:19Rita, you don't know the first thing about nails or brows.
07:25I do know about cocks, though.
07:27That was the implication.
07:28I bet you've been around a few cocks, haven't you, Winnie?
07:31Oh, it brings back memories, this, Rita.
07:33Winnie, you mucky bitch.
07:37Erm, would you judge a man for wearing pink deodorant?
07:40Probably.
07:45Oh, shit.
07:46Dad?
07:47Are you hiding?
07:48Is your mother with you?
07:49No.
07:50Who?
07:51Well, then I'm not hiding, am I?
07:54Oh, God.
07:55Oh, God, she's grown up so much, hasn't she?
07:57Look at her, she's massive.
08:00And there's a little beefcake on you.
08:02Oh, she misses you.
08:03Oh, I miss her as well.
08:06Jesus, you're all right, love.
08:07You look knackered.
08:09You getting enough sleep?
08:10Yeah, just a rough night.
08:12All right.
08:14How's the sad man bed sit?
08:15Hey, yeah, great.
08:16Yeah, I love it there.
08:17Mm-hmm.
08:18Back in your old room?
08:19Yeah, well, almost, you know.
08:21Definitely within space and distance, you know.
08:24How are things with your mum?
08:27Great, she's there.
08:28Yeah.
08:31Would you judge a man for wearing pink deodorant?
08:34I don't think it's pink when you put it on.
08:35Oh, no, no, no, no.
08:41Grab me one of those, actually.
08:48Christ, Jimmy, Mum's still being a nightmare.
08:51Tell you what, I'm coming over.
08:53You jump in the shower, I'll get Sadie off to sleep.
08:57Oh, I'm not being funny, babe.
08:58I'm not going through your laundry and your dirty knickers.
09:00Mm-hmm.
09:01Spare sheets.
09:02Mum's room, but I'm not allowed in there.
09:04She said very firmly I was not going there.
09:06We are definitely going in there.
09:08Okay.
09:15What do you think she's hiding?
09:16God knows.
09:17But if you see a man holding sausages, promise me you won't scream.
09:21What the fuck?
09:24Oh, my God.
09:27What a bougie bitch.
09:29She's punishing me, isn't she?
09:31For being a dick when I was a newborn.
09:32Well, she's waited 25 years and this is her revenge.
09:37No!
09:38I'll get it.
09:39And whoever it is, I'll tell him to fuck off.
09:40You just lie down and get some rest, yeah?
09:42I didn't want to keep messaging so I finally just came over.
09:57I've got presents for you and for Sadie.
10:00Zand, mate.
10:03Sadie's having a nap.
10:05I wasn't expecting her to give me a cat walk or anything.
10:09Oh.
10:10What?
10:11Oh.
10:12You want me to leave?
10:13Well, it's the only time that I can actually get some sleep.
10:16I mean, look at the state of her.
10:17Fuck off.
10:18Well, erm...
10:21Another time?
10:23Another time?
10:25Sure.
10:26Soz.
10:27How are we gonna get rid of your ex?
10:40Well, we have to.
10:41I mean, you know, I think Gemma likes having her mum around, so...
10:44Aww.
10:45I don't give a fuck.
10:46I need you off that landing before there's a mutiny, Malcolm.
10:51We could...
10:53No, you'd never go for it.
10:54What?
10:56We could inform MI6 that Davina's been grooming kids into joining Alkalita.
11:01No.
11:05No.
11:06Nah, nah, I didn't think you'd go for it.
11:07I did come up with some other ideas while I was on the bog.
11:10You know, if I did move back in with Gemma, it'd be best if it didn't seem to be my idea, you know?
11:15Spoken like a true soy boy.
11:20Nice job.
11:22Wait, how do we get in now?
11:23It's like a calf flap.
11:26A bop.
11:27For fellas.
11:28That is...
11:30Absolutely...
11:32Fucking genius!
11:36Shall I go in?
11:37After you.
11:38OK.
11:39The maiden voyage?
11:40Yeah.
11:41Meow!
11:42You know what doesn't need sterilising?
11:46Tits.
11:47Tits.
11:48Yeah.
11:49Well, she gets plenty of breast milk.
11:51I just use formula sometimes cos it helps me out.
11:53Oh.
11:54It's all about her, isn't it?
11:56Selfish mummy.
11:58Baby wants nip-nip.
12:00I absolutely destroyed my breasts for you and Catherine.
12:03It's only right and fair you do the same.
12:05God, Mum, you must be desperate to get back out there.
12:08See the world.
12:09More of it.
12:10New bits of it.
12:13I'm not going anywhere, Gemma.
12:14You need me.
12:16Oh.
12:17Oh, God, that is a smelly one.
12:18OK, well, can you change her cos I've got to finish this?
12:20Sorry, love, I can't.
12:22I'm off for a bikini wax.
12:24Full Hollywood.
12:25Do you know, I never used to bother, but it's expected these days.
12:28I had a dalliance with a 28-year-old and he shrieked when he saw my thatch.
12:32Oh, my God.
12:33It used to be different, of course.
12:34When I had Catherine, the midwives told me to keep it as full as possible.
12:38You know, to clean her on the way out like those big brushes at the car wash.
12:43Is that what they told you?
12:44Do you know, never once got brought up.
12:47And I won't be home for dinner.
12:49But it's your turn to cook.
12:50I have got you some slim fast so you can make a start on shifting that baby weight.
12:55My cousin was eight stone one month after giving birth.
12:58Because she was in a coma.
13:00I know.
13:01Intensive care did wonders for her waistline.
13:04I was quite jealous.
13:05Love ya.
13:06Love ya.
13:07Yeah.
13:09Oh, baby.
13:13Should we kill Nana?
13:16Yeah.
13:17Yeah.
13:20Should we kill Nana?
13:25Or should we kill Mummy instead?
13:28What if Gemma doesn't want me to move back in with her?
13:31Dad!
13:32Gemma!
13:33I can't take living with Mum anymore.
13:34How do I get in?
13:35Use the flap!
13:36Use the flap!
13:37Use the flap!
13:38Don't be ridiculous.
13:39All right.
13:40Come round the back.
13:41But don't tell anyone there's a door there!
13:46It's my door.
13:47Go round the back.
13:50Go round the back.
13:52Round the back.
13:56Whoa!
13:58Is this where you've been staying?
14:00Now I've got an airbed on the landing.
14:02My personal private space is very important to me.
14:05Especially at night.
14:07Mm-hmm.
14:08Why's that?
14:09He plays Minecraft.
14:10Shut the fuck up.
14:12So, what is on the list of ways to get rid of Davina?
14:17Well, er, she's allergic to tomatoes.
14:19Okay.
14:20Good.
14:21So, we make her something.
14:23With tomatoes.
14:25Erm, a soup, perhaps.
14:27Then she ends up unconscious.
14:29So we gaslight her into thinking that she never even lived at Gemma's and it was a dream all along.
14:34Er, yeah, but it's only a mild allergy.
14:36It just makes her tongue itch.
14:37Oh, for fuck's sake.
14:38She's also allergic to horses.
14:40Oh, yeah.
14:41Excellent.
14:42Okay, I can work with that.
14:43Do you mean eating or hanging out with?
14:45Hanging out with.
14:46Great.
14:47So here's what we do.
14:49We, erm, fill the flat.
14:52With horses.
14:53Erm, three horses.
14:55Four horses?
14:57No, okay.
14:58Different tack.
14:59Er, what is she afraid of?
15:02Love.
15:03Emotional intimacy.
15:04Yeah.
15:05Brian.
15:06Yes, Degsy, mate.
15:07Yeah, yeah, I know.
15:09I think I've got an idea.
15:13Oh, come on, then.
15:14What are you thinking?
15:16Okay.
15:17So.
15:19The only thing in the world that my mother is afraid of is getting back together with Dad.
15:26Yeah.
15:27Which is why he's going to propose to her.
15:29Propose what?
15:30Propose marriage.
15:32No way.
15:34How much sleep did you get last night?
15:36All in one go.
15:3737 minutes.
15:38And I feel pretty fucking amazing, actually.
15:39This is a good idea.
15:40Okay?
15:41This is a good idea.
15:42I mean, has anyone got a better idea?
15:43No, no, no.
15:44It's a great idea, love.
15:45It's a great idea.
15:47It's a shit idea.
15:48It's the only idea we've got, so let's go with it.
15:49Thank you, Derek.
15:50God, I knew you'd have faith in me.
15:52Alright, don't overdo it.
15:53Has she seen her GP recently?
15:54Can't do it.
15:55I need you off my landing, Malcolm.
15:58And I need her out.
15:59Come on.
16:00Come on.
16:01Come on.
16:02Come on.
16:07I don't want to do this.
16:09I thought so.
16:11What about those horses?
16:12Are they still available?
16:13Sure, you can bail, Malcolm.
16:14But the guys did mention suffocating you in your sleep again, so it's up to you, I guess.
16:18Dad, she needs to go, remember?
16:21I'll, er...
16:23I'll give it a go.
16:25Okay.
16:26Okay.
16:28We'll be listening.
16:31This is going to be a disaster, you know that.
16:34Never missing it, Gemma, is that?
16:36Don't you fucking dare.
16:49Ah!
16:53Malcolm.
16:54Do you mean...
16:56You look, erm...
16:58Danny.
17:00Come on, Dad.
17:02Why are you here?
17:05Why, er...
17:06Was you like a glass of water?
17:07No.
17:09Yes, me too.
17:14Erm...
17:15Right.
17:16Haven't you back in our lives the last three months?
17:19Gemma's life.
17:20Barely seen you.
17:21Been hiding at Castelluza.
17:25It's, er...
17:26Well, it's made me realise...
17:28God's sake, spit it out, Malcolm.
17:32The whole day you left.
17:35Home.
17:37Mm-hmm.
17:39And I'd like us to, erm...
17:43Rekindle our relationship.
17:47You are?
17:48Oh.
17:49I thought you were going to ask me for the money back from the house sale.
17:52Yeah.
17:53Oh, well, can I have that money back?
17:54No.
17:55Oh.
17:58Well, er...
18:00Erm...
18:01I, er...
18:02Whatever I said...
18:04Whatever I did, you know...
18:09I didn't mean it.
18:11It's barley.
18:12He's gone barley.
18:13I...
18:14Just want you back for good.
18:17Gemma!
18:19Shit.
18:23What's going on?
18:25Dad wants you back!
18:26Does he?
18:28Yeah!
18:29Definitely back for good, yeah.
18:31Do you?
18:33Right, well, I don't want him back.
18:35Mum, it's so cute!
18:36He says he's madly in love with you and that he will not leave this house until you agree to remarry him.
18:42Did ya?
18:44Oh, matey, don't I?
18:45Such a fucking silly boy.
18:47I am swept away by the romance, Malcolm.
18:50Oh, go on, you lot, clear out.
18:52Got a sausage mum coming round in a bit.
18:54Hope we did our best, didn't we?
18:55He says sausage man.
18:58Okay.
18:59Mum, how about this?
19:02Will you please get the fuck out of my home?
19:06Oh, fucking hell.
19:07Yeah.
19:09I mean, I love you, but if you don't go, I'm gonna chuck myself out that window.
19:12Are we on the ground floor?
19:13Shut up.
19:14It's the sausage men.
19:15The late nights.
19:16The slim fast.
19:17The eating my biscuits.
19:18Oh, I know you do, cos I've seen you take them.
19:21Okay?
19:22You're driving me insane.
19:23Either you go, or me and Sadie will.
19:25And it's my name on the lease.
19:26That'll be really fucking annoying.
19:37This isn't working out for me, Gemma.
19:40I'm sorry, but I think it's time for me to leave.
19:42What the fuck?
19:45I literally just said that.
19:46I can't stay here forever, much as you'd like me to.
19:49The world is calling me back to it.
19:53You understand, don't you, love?
19:57Yeah.
20:00I don't understand.
20:01Me neither, mate.
20:06The first few weeks of having Sadie, I couldn't have coped without you.
20:10Tell Malcolm he can keep the candles.
20:12I do have one tiny bit of advice.
20:18This first year is a very precious time, Gemma.
20:23Work out what it is what you want.
20:26And start reaching for it before you go back to work.
20:29Cos once the grind starts, work, baby, life, you'll be trapped.
20:36Right.
20:39Your taxi's here.
20:40And before you know it, you'll have spent 20 years living with your father.
20:44It's the mistake I made.
20:46And I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
20:49OK.
20:50Thanks.
20:51Good luck, love.
20:55Good luck, love.
20:56Yeah, there you go.
20:59Eh, eh.
21:00Fresh sheets, eh?
21:04I've just put her clothes wash on.
21:06Yeah, here you go.
21:16Fresh sheets, eh?
21:18I've just put a clothes wash on.
21:21I was thinking,
21:23in the next couple of nights,
21:25I can do a feed for you,
21:27and you get some sleep.
21:31I'm so glad to be back, love.
21:33I've missed you so much, Miss Bothy.
21:36We've missed you.
21:38And I want you to know
21:40that I will never, ever leave you again.
21:46Not until that one goes to university, anyway.
21:52You rest now, eh?
22:00Oh, hey, there's a pulp pie in here.
22:07I'm on maternity leave.
22:08I'm not asking you to pick it up with your fanny, please.
22:11He's a creep who charges 15 quid to sing at babies.
22:14And takes his top off.
22:16There's a dog in here.
22:17There's a massive dog in here.
22:19Dog, elbow, punch!
22:20My boobs are about to explode.
22:21Are they fake?
22:22No, you bellend.
22:23They're full of milk.
22:24Dad's booked us a holiday, though.
22:26Bet it's the caravan park.
22:27It won't be the caravan park.
22:30The holiday's a disaster.
22:31Shut up, shut up, shut up.
22:33I thought maybe you'd want space.
22:35What I actually wanted was some very large sanitary pads.
22:38We're totally fucking lost,
22:39and Malcolm is missing a boot.
22:41Yeah, well, I had to throw something
22:42to distract that ball, didn't I?
22:44I want to provide a better life for my baby.
22:46It's spugging its eggs down my throat!
22:48Woo!
22:49I have been dabbling with better paid other employment.
22:52Why do you even want this job?
22:53Because I love marketing.
22:55Nobody loves marketing.
22:55Congratulations, Gemma.
22:57You've just joined the rat race.
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