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Would I Lie To You S19 E04

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Fun
Transcript
00:00MUSIC
00:24Good evening and welcome to Would I Light You,
00:27a show with unvarnished truths and highly polished lies.
00:30On Lee Mack's team tonight,
00:32from this morning to this evening,
00:34is Josie Gibson.
00:39And the queen of comedy herself,
00:41Jo Brand.
00:46And on David Mitchell's team tonight,
00:48children's author and stand-up comic,
00:50it's Alastair Beckett King.
00:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:55And singer, actress and West End star,
00:58Beverly Knight.
00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:04We begin with round one, Home Truths,
01:06where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
01:09To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
01:12they have no idea what they'll be faced with.
01:15It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
01:19And Josie, your first up.
01:21Right, OK.
01:22I once rode my horse to the post office,
01:25but when I came out, he'd been given a parking ticket.
01:28LAUGHTER
01:29David's team.
01:30Where did this happen?
01:31This happened in my local village, in Aranacton,
01:34and I was actually in a horse and cart.
01:36And when was this?
01:38This was about...
01:391874!
01:40LAUGHTER
01:41This was 2009.
01:46Have you traded the horse in, now you're on TV?
01:49It's a bit...
01:50It's a bit sensitive, cos he died.
01:52Oh!
01:53Oh, Alastair.
01:54That's...
01:55That's your fault, Alastair.
01:56I know.
01:57LAUGHTER
01:58And how far was the post office from home?
02:01About a 25-minute drive.
02:03It's not too far, it's only a few miles.
02:05You can't go too far on a cart.
02:06Mm-hm.
02:07It would only be, like, five minutes in a car,
02:09but on a cart...
02:10Sorry?
02:11It's about 25 minutes.
02:12Can I just ask you, only five minutes in a car,
02:15but on a car, it's...
02:17LAUGHTER
02:18It would only be a five-minute drive in a car.
02:20Yes.
02:21Right.
02:22On a cart.
02:23Cart?
02:24A cart.
02:25Please try and stress the T just a little bit more.
02:26Oh, sorry.
02:27On a horse and cart...
02:28Yes.
02:29Er, it took a little bit longer.
02:32So you had a cart...
02:34LAUGHTER
02:37What part of the horse was the ticket on?
02:41It...
02:42It wasn't, um, on the horse as such,
02:44it was actually on the cart.
02:46LAUGHTER
02:47And it's a big industry these days, Horton Cart's training.
02:50Horton Cart is hard to say.
02:52Horton...
02:53Yes, sir.
02:54Is Horton...
02:55Is horse...
02:56LAUGHTER
02:57Just so you know, she was told to pronounce the T,
03:00you might want to drop them when they don't exist.
03:02LAUGHTER
03:03Right.
03:04Previously, you've never got a ticket?
03:06Never, no.
03:07No.
03:08I will just say, normally, I do put the horse in the car park,
03:11but...
03:12LAUGHTER
03:13Sorry, what's his registration number for the business?
03:15LAUGHTER
03:16J-E-T, Jet, his name was.
03:18Yeah, but this time, I parked him on the double yellow lines
03:21outside the post office.
03:23So what did you do with the ticket?
03:24Did you appeal?
03:25I basically just ignored it.
03:27Oh!
03:28Yeah.
03:29And what happened?
03:30Nothing happened.
03:31Well, of course, nothing happened.
03:32Nothing happened.
03:33But how could it?
03:34Because don't...
03:35Usually, they've got the car register.
03:37Well, they're going to write some cart.
03:39LAUGHTER
03:40It's untraceable.
03:41No, you've got to put a registration number
03:43on the back of a horse and cart.
03:45Oh, do you?
03:46Yeah.
03:47Paint a picture of Jet the horse.
03:49The dead horse.
03:50So, Jet...
03:51Oh!
03:52Sorry, what?
03:53Wow.
03:54I'm glad you didn't say you went to the post office with your mother.
03:57He'd have been just as harmless.
03:58LAUGHTER
04:00But Jet was a very special horse.
04:03He was obviously Jet Black.
04:04He did like a mare.
04:06He did like a mare, so you had to be careful.
04:08When you went past the mares field, you had to be really, really careful.
04:11That is very awkward if you're in a horse and cart on the retic.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:15She's here.
04:17LAUGHTER
04:18You're like a free rocket horse, wouldn't they?
04:20It'd be great.
04:21LAUGHTER
04:22What do you think?
04:23Is she telling the truth?
04:24I think she has knowledge of horses.
04:26Yeah.
04:27I think she may have had a horse in her life
04:29who has subsequently passed away.
04:30I believe that.
04:31Must you keep banging on?
04:33LAUGHTER
04:35When you're getting the number plate for a cart,
04:38what's it say?
04:39Does it just say horse?
04:41LAUGHTER
04:42You know when you buy, like, a personalised licence plate?
04:45Mm-hm.
04:46You can do that for a cart.
04:47So ours was Jet 2.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:50Oh, my God.
04:51Was there another one that died as well?
04:53LAUGHTER
04:54We called him Jet 2 after the airline.
04:57LAUGHTER
04:58Oh.
04:59Oh, I see.
05:00Should have called him Virgin for when he's going past the mares.
05:03LAUGHTER
05:04Right.
05:05What do you think?
05:06Time to decide.
05:08I think there's a whole bunch of truth,
05:11but the central thing I don't think is true.
05:14What do you think?
05:15I think it's true.
05:16You think so?
05:17You think it's true?
05:18Oh, you say, I completely believed it,
05:19until the thing about the number plate.
05:21LAUGHTER
05:22It's on you.
05:23I think it's a lie.
05:25OK.
05:26They think it's a lie.
05:27Josie, was it a lie or were you telling the truth?
05:30I can confirm that it was a...
05:34..lie.
05:36Oh!
05:37APPLAUSE
05:39Yes, it's a lie.
05:41Josie's horse didn't get a parking ticket.
05:44APPLAUSE
05:45Alistair, you're next.
05:47For several years, I regularly wore a wizard's hat.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53Please do.
05:54LAUGHTER
05:55Shall we just kick off with why?
05:58Oh, I was going to say, is that a euphemism?
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02For what?
06:03LAUGHTER
06:04What for?
06:05LAUGHTER
06:07LAUGHTER
06:09LAUGHTER
06:11LAUGHTER
06:12I'm joking!
06:15No, it isn't.
06:16LAUGHTER
06:19I know, but she believed me, so go with it.
06:21LAUGHTER
06:23You wore a wizard's hat?
06:25I wore a wizard's hat for several years.
06:26The start, age and the end age.
06:2818, 19.
06:29Oh.
06:30I was a teenager.
06:31Awkward old...
06:32Oh, I thought you were going to say five.
06:3318.
06:3418, 19 into my early 20s.
06:36Did you make it?
06:37I made it, yes.
06:38From what?
06:39Fabric.
06:40What kind of fabric?
06:41LAUGHTER
06:42Fabric.
06:43It didn't mean many things.
06:44Cotton.
06:45Well, I would say rubber or plastic, if you're wearing it in the rain.
06:49I suppose the practicalities of making it, if you're sewing up rubber.
06:53I had to repair my girlfriend the other day.
06:55LAUGHTER
06:56Nailing it through the...
06:59Were you one of these re-enactors?
07:03No.
07:04No, fiercely no.
07:05I can't walk past re-enactors without them trying to lure me over
07:08because of my general appearance.
07:10And I'm not interested in actual history at all.
07:12I'm interested in wizards.
07:14To be fair, to be a re-enactor in a wizard's hat,
07:17there would have to be a historical event that had involved wizards.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21You'd be amazed there aren't that many.
07:23No.
07:24Battle of Hastings, number of wizards present?
07:26Zero.
07:27Zero.
07:28How would people react to you when they saw you in the street, Alistair?
07:32Largely negatively.
07:33White van driving men were not enthusiasts for the...
07:37LAUGHTER
07:38They would say, um, things like,
07:41Oh, the circus is in town.
07:43Which is...
07:44I know.
07:45Cos there's no wizards in the circus.
07:46I know.
07:47It doesn't make sense, but by the time I've said that,
07:49they've gone.
07:50They're away.
07:51A white van driver would not go,
07:54Oh, there's a circus in town.
07:56LAUGHTER
07:57They would use one word only.
07:59LAUGHTER
08:00And we're all thinking it.
08:02LAUGHTER
08:03I'm paraphrasing.
08:04Now, Alistair, while all this was going on,
08:06what did your girlfriend make of it?
08:08She, uh, hated the wizard's hat.
08:11Well, that was my polite way of inquiring whether you had a partner
08:14and you've surprised me.
08:16LAUGHTER
08:21She wasn't enthusiastic about the head wear.
08:23And you were adamant that you were going to stick with it, though?
08:25I stuck with it until it became, I would say, morally untenable
08:29to wear the hat.
08:30Morally?
08:31Morally.
08:32Why morally?
08:33Towards the end of the hat era, I had, uh, a neighbour
08:37who was, uh, a short guy, not a tall guy.
08:40And I'm, uh, I'm pretty tall.
08:42The image we created together...
08:45LAUGHTER
08:46..in the streets, it had, uh, a Middle-earthian vibe.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:52Like he was looking for a ring.
08:55LAUGHTER
08:57Did, um, did the hat give you any powers?
09:01LAUGHTER
09:04I think we know the answer to that, don't we?
09:07LAUGHTER
09:08Do you think he's telling the truth?
09:09I think he's, um...
09:10Oh, you look...
09:11You look like a lizard...
09:12A wizard.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:14APPLAUSE
09:16Sorry, sorry, yes.
09:19I am going to cry myself to sleep underneath a lightbulb tonight.
09:23I'm so sorry!
09:25LAUGHTER
09:26Joe, what do you reckon?
09:27I think none of it is convincing, which is why I think it's true.
09:31LAUGHTER
09:32Ah!
09:33Interesting.
09:34OK, I'll say it's true.
09:35OK, they're saying true, Alistair.
09:37Was it true, or was it a lie?
09:39It was...the truth.
09:41APPLAUSE
09:42Yes, it's true.
09:46It's true, Alistair used to wear a wizard's hat.
09:49APPLAUSE
09:50Er, Beverly, you're next.
09:52For my 40th birthday, David Bowie gave me 40 boxes of tea bags.
09:59LAUGHTER
10:00Well, it's clearly a lie cos you're definitely not 40.
10:06You look about 56.
10:11Rude!
10:12You don't look 40.
10:14No.
10:15So, what did David Bowie give you?
10:1640 boxes of tea bags.
10:18Were you good friends with David Bowie?
10:21Not a good friend, but we talked a lot.
10:24Would he just ring you up out of the blue go,
10:25are you drinking the tea?
10:27LAUGHTER
10:29That's all you ever do!
10:32Does he wrap the tea up like it was a birthday present?
10:35Does he just got the boxes?
10:37Was there a note?
10:38Was it?
10:39A card or a note? What did the card say?
10:41Yeah.
10:42I think you'd like these Uncle D.
10:46Sounds a bit sinister.
10:48LAUGHTER
10:51Did you ever meet him, Jo?
10:53Er, yeah.
10:54In which circumstances?
10:56Er, sleeping with him.
10:58LAUGHTER
10:59Moving on.
11:00I think you'll like this Uncle D.
11:03LAUGHTER
11:05What were the flavours, if you don't mind me asking?
11:08So, English breakfast, straight up.
11:10Classic.
11:11Earl Grey.
11:12Yech.
11:13Green.
11:14What?
11:15It was Earl Grey that made me go,
11:17Oh, really?
11:18I don't like Earl Grey.
11:19Some people like it, but I don't.
11:21You know, it's not the normal kind, is it?
11:23LAUGHTER
11:25What are you thinking, Jo?
11:27Could it be true?
11:28Erm, yeah, I think it is true.
11:30Josie, what do you think?
11:32I think, because you know so much detail about David,
11:35I think you are definitely telling the truth.
11:37Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
11:38I don't think there was that much detail about him,
11:40other than David knows that she likes tea,
11:42which she could be making up.
11:44In fact, is, if she's lying.
11:46Oh, God.
11:47Oh, now I'm thinking.
11:49LAUGHTER
11:50It's good that you've started.
11:51LAUGHTER
11:52What's your team going to say, Lee?
11:53If you do think it's true, we'll go with true.
11:54Do you think it's true, Josie?
11:55I do, yeah.
11:56Well, then we'll say true.
11:57OK, they're saying it's true.
11:58Beverly, was it true?
11:59Or was it a lie?
12:00I can confirm...
12:01It was a lie!
12:02Oh, my God, it's brilliant!
12:03APPLAUSE
12:04Oh, sorry!
12:05Yes, it's a lie.
12:06Beverly wasn't gifted tea bags by David Bowie.
12:08Our next round is...
12:09It's a lie.
12:10It's a lie.
12:11Beverly wasn't gifted tea bags by David Bowie.
12:13It's a lie.
12:14It's a lie.
12:15It's a lie.
12:16It's a lie.
12:17It's a lie.
12:18It's a lie.
12:19Oh, sorry!
12:20Yes, it's a lie.
12:21Beverly wasn't gifted tea bags by David Bowie.
12:26Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
12:32This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
12:36It's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
12:39So, please welcome this week's special guest, Tamsin.
12:42APPLAUSE
12:49So, Jo, what is Tamsin to you?
12:53Well, this is Tamsin, and when she got married, I mistook her husband for her dad.
12:59LAUGHTER
13:00Right.
13:01Josie, how do you know Tamsin?
13:03Um, this is Tamsin, and because of me, she never got to go to an Oscars party.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:09And finally, Lee, your relationship with Tamsin.
13:13This is Tamsin.
13:14She's the GP who caught me using her stethoscope to listen through the walls of her surgery.
13:22LAUGHTER
13:23So, there we have it.
13:25David's team, where will you begin?
13:27Alright, Jo.
13:28David.
13:29So, why were you at this wedding?
13:31I wasn't attending the wedding.
13:33I was staying in the hotel where the wedding was.
13:36Oh, right.
13:37And so, I was asked by someone at the wedding if I could have my picture taken with the bride and groom.
13:48Yeah.
13:49Where are we, Jo?
13:50In kind of North Kentish.
13:52And what were you doing there? Were you having a little break?
13:55I was having a break and an affair.
13:58LAUGHTER
14:00So, how aged was the husband that you thought, no, he can't be the groom, he must be the father?
14:06Like, 20 years older, 30 years older to me.
14:11LAUGHTER
14:12I said to him, is this, like, your first daughter to get married or just something to...
14:18Oh!
14:19I know, just to sort of get the conversation going.
14:22LAUGHTER
14:23And there was kind of, like, quite an embarrassed silence.
14:27LAUGHTER
14:28And then...
14:29And then someone said to me, I saw a husband out of the side of their mouth.
14:33How did Tamsin respond?
14:35He looked embarrassed, she looked slightly angry, if I'm honest.
14:40LAUGHTER
14:41Describe the scene of this photograph.
14:43People sitting round, drinking...
14:46But this is after the meal and the speeches, and not in the room where the tables have been.
14:50David, I didn't get a rundown of the order of their wedding.
14:54I'm sorry to press you, I'm only doing it just in case you're lying.
14:59LAUGHTER
15:01If you were just telling me this story under other circumstances, I wouldn't be pushing for this detail.
15:05Do you know what, David? I think you would.
15:07LAUGHTER
15:09I've seen you round my house, having a cup of tea and this kind of chat.
15:13LAUGHTER
15:14I mowed the lawn yesterday.
15:15Ah, OK, prove it.
15:17LAUGHTER
15:19Did you make it up? Did you leave on good terms?
15:23Well, I apologised, yes.
15:25Um, but...
15:26Did you offer tickets to one of your shows?
15:28No, cos I always view that as more of a punishment for young people.
15:32LAUGHTER
15:33How long ago was this?
15:35Three or four years ago.
15:37And would you say you've stayed in touch with Tamsin since then?
15:40What do you think?
15:42LAUGHTER
15:43I just think she would be very hard to track down for this programme.
15:45Wow.
15:46All you'd need is the date you were at the hotel and just ring the hotel.
15:49There was a wedding on, remember?
15:51That's pretty impressive, yeah, I'm sorry.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:55How do you do it?
15:56APPLAUSE
15:57Well, I think, from what Lee says, the story about the GP
16:01and the stethoscope's looking less like it.
16:03LAUGHTER
16:05Right, who are you going to quiz next?
16:07OK, we'll go to Josie, shall we, next?
16:10Remind us, Josie.
16:12Because of me, Tamsin never got to go to an Oscars party.
16:16What Oscars party would she otherwise have gone to?
16:19It was Elton John's Oscars party.
16:21That's quite a big Oscars party.
16:23Oh, it was a big deal.
16:24It was a big deal.
16:25Basically, the only reason Tamsin took that job was to go.
16:29What was that job?
16:31I was working for This Morning.
16:33Right.
16:34And I had to go to LA.
16:35Mm-hm.
16:36On the last day was Elton John's party.
16:39Yeah.
16:40And, um...
16:44I got chucked out.
16:46So what happened?
16:47We were working the red carpet.
16:49Yeah.
16:50And then Elton John's right-hand woman...
16:53Yeah.
16:54..said, oh, we're big fans of This Morning.
16:56Here you go.
16:57Here are three wristbands, so a cameraman was there.
16:59And I went, oh, thank you very much.
17:01So where does Tamsin come into it?
17:03Tamsin's my producer.
17:04Right.
17:05Tamsin said to me...
17:07Yeah.
17:08..hold these wristbands.
17:10I'm just going to go and put the camera equipment in the car.
17:13So I started twiddling with the wristbands.
17:15Uh-oh.
17:16And I was twiddling with the wristbands,
17:17and as I was twiddling with the wristbands,
17:18they were getting smaller and smaller and smaller.
17:21And then I was like, oh, God,
17:22this is not going to fit on my wrist.
17:24So instead of doing anything about it,
17:25I put that one in my pocket
17:26and then started twiddling with the other one.
17:28So I twiddled and twiddled and twiddled,
17:30and it got really small,
17:31so I put that one in my pocket as well.
17:33And I thought, oh, no,
17:34they're not going to fit on anyone's wrists here.
17:36Is this the plot of Alice in Wonderland?
17:39LAUGHTER
17:42So then Tamsin comes back.
17:44So Tamsin and our cameraman
17:46did take a long time to put everything in the car.
17:48Right.
17:49So then they came back...
17:50Could have probably done with an extra pair of hands.
17:52LAUGHTER
17:55They told me to wait there.
17:57You know, I'm a game player, I'm one of the crew.
17:59And then...
18:00I think you mean a team player.
18:02Team player.
18:03Yeah.
18:04LAUGHTER
18:05Yeah.
18:06A game player is something else.
18:08You really don't want that in your team.
18:10She's a bit of a game player, that, Josie.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:14So the team comes back.
18:16Yeah, the team comes back.
18:17I said, oh, Tamsin, you never guessed what I've done.
18:20I've made the wristbands so small
18:21that they cannot fit on our arms.
18:23So we had to go to the front and I said to her,
18:27excuse me, I said,
18:28we've made our wristbands too small to put on our arms.
18:31Could we have...
18:32We've made our wristbands too small.
18:34LAUGHTER
18:35Well, she's a team player.
18:36LAUGHTER
18:38So, could we possibly have three more wristbands
18:41so they can fit on our arms and everybody knows
18:43that we're allowed in Elton John's party?
18:45And the woman went, what's your name?
18:49And I went, it's Josie Gibson.
18:52And she went, your name's not on the list.
18:56LAUGHTER
18:57Get out!
18:58LAUGHTER
18:59Like that?
19:00Like that.
19:01Oh, there's a big dip in plausibility there.
19:03Yeah.
19:04LAUGHTER
19:05So Tamsin must have been furious with you.
19:07Oh, my God.
19:08Tamsin was so furious, it was unreal.
19:12Where did you go back to?
19:14We went back to the hotel, really nice hotel.
19:16Oh, which one?
19:17Erm...
19:19It was lovely.
19:21LAUGHTER
19:22And that...
19:23It was called the Hollywood something.
19:25Oh, right.
19:26LAUGHTER
19:27I'll be honest, Tamsin went right with me for about two years.
19:32Two years?
19:33Yeah.
19:34Right.
19:35And then what made her get over it?
19:37Probably bringing her air.
19:39LAUGHTER
19:40So this experience has eclipsed her hopes for Elton John's.
19:46I'm hoping.
19:47Josie, just so you know, there's drinks in the green room afterwards.
19:50Is that?
19:51Yeah, but she's not invited.
19:52LAUGHTER
19:55Now, what about Lee?
19:56Er, something to do with a stethoscope.
19:58This is Tamsin, she's the GP who caught me using her stethoscope
20:02to listen through the walls of her surgery.
20:05Ah.
20:06Well, what was this sequence of events, Lee?
20:08Yeah.
20:09I wasn't feeling very well.
20:10Oh, right.
20:11I went to my local GP and I'm very fortunate that my local GP
20:14could fit me in that day.
20:15Because it would have been a cancellation.
20:16Oh, I see.
20:17Ah.
20:18And we know what that means.
20:19A death.
20:20LAUGHTER
20:21So I went to see my GP.
20:28Yep.
20:29Who is Tamsin?
20:30Er, yes.
20:31Yeah.
20:32It's a bit weird the way your eyes didn't dart over towards her
20:34when you said, my GP.
20:35They didn't dart.
20:36It feels like they didn't dart over.
20:37They didn't dart over.
20:38Good point.
20:39Anyway, as I was saying, I was going to see her about my inability
20:42to dart my eyes.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:45I'm so sorry.
20:47She couldn't fix it.
20:48Isn't that right, Tamsin?
20:50LAUGHTER
20:56Well, let's, let's together invent the next bit.
20:59LAUGHTER
21:00David, you go first.
21:02OK, so you walk into the consulting room.
21:06Yes.
21:07But Tamsin isn't there.
21:08She's hopped out of the window.
21:09No.
21:10OK, sorry.
21:11She jumped out the window.
21:12OK.
21:14Er, no, so I went in.
21:15She said, I'll give you a quick, a quick check-up.
21:17And she, er, got her stethoscope out and she checked my heart.
21:21Mm-hm.
21:22Er, I said it's the other side, but, you know, she's new.
21:24And, er...
21:25LAUGHTER
21:26The bit I've missed out, the very important bit I missed out,
21:29is that none of this happened.
21:30No.
21:31The bit that I missed out was that in the waiting room...
21:34Yeah.
21:35..I saw a man look at me and he gave me...
21:39You must have been looking at him then, to be fair.
21:41Well, I couldn't look at him cos he was over there.
21:43I couldn't doubt my eyes.
21:44LAUGHTER
21:47And he looked at me in a way that made me think,
21:50ah, is he, is he sort of giving me the nod of,
21:52you're the guy off the telly,
21:54or is he giving me the nod of, you're the dad from the playground?
21:57How did that mild social anxiety translate into theft and eavesdropping?
22:04LAUGHTER
22:05Right, it wasn't theft because I didn't take it from the building
22:08and, as you know, you can't get done for shoplifting
22:10by putting it in your pocket, you have to walk out the door.
22:12And trust me, I know.
22:14LAUGHTER
22:15You can stuff as many sweets in your pocket,
22:17they can't do anything about it, you have to exit the building.
22:20I don't think you're allowed to eat them going round, admittedly, but...
22:23Even though they're, in molecular terms, still in the building.
22:26Correct.
22:27LAUGHTER
22:29If you've stayed there long enough that you've digested them,
22:33injected them,
22:35and left that in a corner, they can't touch you.
22:38They can't, they can't.
22:40And, in fact, they don't want to touch you, I find.
22:42LAUGHTER
22:44What prompted you to pick up this stethoscope?
22:46Yeah.
22:47We have the consultation.
22:48I hear a knock on the door, there's a chat about something
22:51and she needs to go next door, and as the door is open,
22:54they call out a name, and it's your man.
22:58All three of them go into the room.
23:00Right.
23:01And I'm sure that I heard the word Lee.
23:03So, I thought I'll have a proper listen, right?
23:05LAUGHTER
23:06And I saw the stethoscope...
23:08..in.
23:09..wall.
23:10Listen.
23:11LAUGHTER
23:12But it was too muffled to hear it properly.
23:14And, of course, I'm doing all that, moving round the room a bit like that.
23:17I moved a bit too far round, I went next door and examined the patient...
23:20LAUGHTER
23:21..and came back in again.
23:23..oh, no, I think this horse has gone.
23:25I'm afraid.
23:26LAUGHTER
23:27And then I just sort of...
23:29And then she came in, she's back in, isn't she?
23:31What happens?
23:32Says what?
23:33She said, er...
23:34..what are you doing?
23:36And I said...
23:37..what?
23:38LAUGHTER
23:40Sorry?
23:41LAUGHTER
23:42I just...
23:43I was panicking, I had to think on my feet.
23:45I just said, erm, I've got some terrible news,
23:47I think your wall's dead.
23:48LAUGHTER
23:49LAUGHTER
23:50All right, we need an answer.
23:54So, is Tamsin Joe's bemused bride,
23:58Joe's frustrated friend or Lee's dismayed doctor?
24:02I think whenever we describe Tamsin's...
24:05..aged, repulsively elderly husband...
24:08LAUGHTER
24:10..there is a reaction in her face that says,
24:13..I live with this man, he is my husband.
24:16LAUGHTER
24:17But remember, Joe said she was annoyed.
24:20I think that's someone who would have been amused...
24:23..if Joe had mistaken her...
24:25..the groom for her father.
24:27But we can only imagine how elderly he is, we don't know.
24:30LAUGHTER
24:31He was supposed to be here tonight, but we haven't got a ramp.
24:34LAUGHTER
24:36LAUGHTER
24:38Right.
24:40Lee's story, I...
24:41I don't...
24:42I think it's less embarrassing to not recognise someone
24:44than it is to borrow a piece of medical equipment.
24:46LAUGHTER
24:47I must say, I've...
24:48There's a lot of plausibility to Josie's story for me.
24:50Yeah.
24:51You described a sort of wristband that you could, as it were,
24:53put beyond use just by...
24:55Mm-hm.
24:56..fidgeting with it.
24:57That is a thing.
24:58Well, I'm deeply lost.
24:59I think so.
25:00But I think you two think it's Joe.
25:01We... Yes.
25:02Yeah.
25:03Well, let's say it's Joe then.
25:04OK.
25:05Oh, God, here we go.
25:06And the wedding.
25:07Oh, God, here we go.
25:08Tamsin, would you please reveal your true identity?
25:12I'm Tamsin, and because of Josie, I missed an Oscars party.
25:17Oh, my God!
25:19APPLAUSE
25:21Yes, Tamsin is Josie's frustrating friend.
25:26Thank you very much, Tamsin.
25:28Thank you very much, Tamsin.
25:29APPLAUSE
25:30Oh, you forgive me now!
25:31You forgive me!
25:32APPLAUSE
25:33Which brings us to our final round, Pickfire Lives,
25:36and we start with...
25:38BUZZER
25:39It's David.
25:41Aged seven, if I'd been a good boy,
25:44every Sunday I was allowed to sit at the head of the table
25:47and drink my milk from a wine glass.
25:50LAUGHTER
25:51Who's team?
25:53If this isn't true, I'm starting to think they might be stereotyping us.
25:56LAUGHTER
25:57Were you particularly delighted to be able to drink your milk
26:02from a wine glass?
26:03Particularly delighted pretty much nails it, yeah.
26:07What would constitute good behaviour, or perhaps more interestingly
26:11with you, what would constitute bad behaviour?
26:15To be honest, I was pretty, pretty conventional.
26:18You know, I didn't break rules, but sometimes I was,
26:22if you can imagine this, you know, not very good company.
26:25LAUGHTER
26:26I moan, and I say, oh, do I have to, and that sort of thing.
26:31So you were a bad boy if you said, I'm not...
26:34I'm quite enjoying saying you're a bad boy.
26:36That's a bad boy.
26:37You were a bad boy.
26:38A naughty, naughty boy.
26:40Naughty bad boy.
26:42And would you be served?
26:43Like, the matrice-y would say, would you like to have a look at the...
26:46I'd look at the milk list.
26:48LAUGHTER
26:50No, I wouldn't be served, but I would just...
26:53You were allowed to drink from the wine glass.
26:55Because that's what they did, the grown-ups.
26:56Yes.
26:57And you've got siblings, of course.
26:59I didn't at that point.
27:00Ah, OK.
27:01Because he's eight years younger than me, so at that point he was minus one.
27:04Oh, so there was...
27:06LAUGHTER
27:07That's sort of round about the conception time.
27:08You don't want to be thinking about that.
27:09Well...
27:11LAUGHTER
27:12And, yeah, that was it.
27:13That was it.
27:14They used to pour you the milk like that and say,
27:16you enjoy your milk.
27:17LAUGHTER
27:21I would sip the milk and then I'd wake up four hours later
27:24with my face on the table and my parents would come into the room smiling.
27:32I can imagine him with a little baby sham glass,
27:34like, with a little pinky out like that, drinking as well.
27:36With his what out?
27:37With his little pinky.
27:38LAUGHTER
27:39Oh, wow.
27:40Cos he was very much in danger then of being a bad boy, wasn't he?
27:44LAUGHTER
27:45So he'll have that, er...
27:47glass of milk batter, don't you, David?
27:49LAUGHTER
27:50OK, time to decide.
27:51You're not having it.
27:52No, I'm not having it.
27:53And you are having it.
27:54Well, I don't know about that, but, yeah.
27:57LAUGHTER
27:59But you believe him?
28:00Yeah.
28:01I will go with Josie and say it's true.
28:03OK, they're saying it's true.
28:05David, was it true or was it a lie?
28:08It was...
28:09..a lie.
28:10Oh, Jack, you were right!
28:12It's a lie.
28:14David didn't drink milk from a wine glass.
28:17LAUGHTER
28:18That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show,
28:21and I can reveal that David's team has won by three points to two.
28:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:27APPLAUSE
28:28Thanks for watching.
28:29We'll see you next time.
28:30Good night.
28:31APPLAUSE
28:32A whodunit mystery for students.
28:36Turn detective and solve the story with BBC Bitesize.
28:39Go online now.
28:40And heavy is the head that wears the cloak.
28:42Now their fate has been left to chance.
28:44Don't go anywhere.
28:45The Traitor's Final is next.
28:47APPLAUSE
28:48APPLAUSE
28:49..
28:53..
28:54..
28:55..
28:56..
28:57..
28:58..
28:59..
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