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BRITCOM III
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00:00Oh
00:02No
00:18Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house
00:30I'm Greg Davis a juicy fillet steak of manhood if I do say so myself take the heat off
00:43I'm rare and I'm ready for the plate
00:46Who dares to sit at the table of white-hot competition and complete tasks to make me settle on my judgmental skillet?
00:54Who dares to face my pepper scorn sauce?
01:00Who wants my championships enough to risk getting they're just desserts?
01:05Let's find out who they are
01:23A man who told me that on a childhood visit to a fruit farm
01:27He once sneakily ate so many strawberries that he achieved the Holy Grail the unbroken three-foot stool
01:35It's li-li-li-toy!
01:43What a day, what a day that was
01:44Well, look, it's time for the raffle, everyone, so if you want to get your tickets out at home
01:50Um, do you want to do the honours today, Greg?
01:53Yeah
01:54LAUGHTER
01:55Who's going to win this week's raffle?
01:57Let's find out, so get your tickets out
01:59Oh, it's a pink! It's a pink ticket
02:01LAUGHTER
02:02528
02:03So, um, get in touch if that's you
02:06Thank you
02:07LAUGHTER
02:08It's the raffle
02:11It's the raffle
02:12Incredible, isn't it?
02:13Did you buy a ticket?
02:14I didn't buy a ticket
02:15I bought you a ticket
02:16OK
02:17You want to check your pockets?
02:20LAUGHTER
02:22This is better! This is better!
02:24Oh, 528
02:27I think 528!
02:28APPLAUSE
02:29You win a hamper, you can have a look there, it's a good hamper, genuinely good
02:34Salt bin bags, shoe soles, cinnamon sticks
02:36LAUGHTER
02:37Stuff you genuinely want from a hamper
02:39Yeah
02:40OK
02:41Let's get on with the prize task
02:43Bang tidy
02:44And this week the category is
02:45The thing you were least likely to bring in from your home
02:49Ooh
02:50Big fingers crossed here for Lord Lucan
02:52Five points
02:53Will be given to this person that Greg thinks has brought in
02:56The least likely thing they've brought from their home
02:58But you know how this works, Greg
03:00You're all over the format by now, mate
03:02Don't worry about it
03:04LAUGHTER
03:06OK
03:07Sanjeev, hello
03:08Hello
03:09Can I show you what it is?
03:10Sanjeev has brought this in
03:12Yeah
03:13LAUGHTER
03:14LAUGHTER
03:15Come on
03:16LAUGHTER
03:17Did you just have it around?
03:19Or is that decanted for the show?
03:22Oh, no, that was specially for the show
03:23I mean, I don't have urine samples lying around the house
03:26No
03:27But, erm...
03:28But you have the bottles
03:29Well, yeah, I mean, you never know when you need them
03:31I mean, you know, there's an age at which you have to go...
03:33Yeah
03:34Those are doctors quite suddenly
03:35Dip and check?
03:36Yep, absolutely
03:37Dip and check
03:38I've got to say, Sanjeev, this marks a real turnaround in your fortunes, I think
03:42Do you think?
03:43Well, the first two shows, your prizes were absolutely shit
03:45Yeah
03:46It's very personal
03:47Mm-hm
03:48Very
03:49Do you know how he sent us a urine?
03:50Erm...
03:51Nope
03:52We transferred it
03:53LAUGHTER
03:58OK, who's next?
03:59Anya
04:00I've brought in, erm, my contraceptive coil
04:03Oh, God
04:04LAUGHTER
04:06Have a look at this, Greg, here it is
04:08Oh, God
04:09Look at it, look at it
04:10And if she's up there, then who's flying the plane?
04:13LAUGHTER
04:15APPLAUSE
04:21What's the blue thing?
04:22So there are strings at the bottom of it
04:24and they're basically so you can check it's in place every month
04:27OK
04:28You put a... I'm not going to... I don't... I won't tell you
04:31Well, don't get all squeamish, you brought it in
04:33LAUGHTER
04:34Put fingers into your zones
04:36Your zones
04:37And you feel for the strings
04:38And if the strings are there...
04:39Zones!
04:40LAUGHTER
04:41But the reason that it's very unlikely that I was able to bring this in
04:44is because mine got lost within me
04:47OK
04:48And it took three doctors to get it out
04:50On separate occasions
04:51Not working simultaneously
04:52LAUGHTER
04:54Working simultaneously
04:55They were in different zones
04:56LAUGHTER
04:57APPLAUSE
04:58Very impressive
05:01Phil
05:02I brought in a lovely clump of asbestos
05:05Here it is
05:06LAUGHTER
05:08What a lovely clump it is
05:09LAUGHTER
05:11Where did you get the incredibly dangerous material from?
05:14My flat is riddled with it
05:16And, erm...
05:17As long as you don't interfere with it, it's quite safe
05:20LAUGHTER
05:21Now, I have caused a few issues by rambling around in my walls to pull it out
05:25Yeah, not least your own slow, painful demise
05:30LAUGHTER
05:31But, you know, it's what a way to go
05:33LAUGHTER
05:34Old school
05:35LAUGHTER
05:36Right
05:37Urine, a coil and a death sentence
05:40LAUGHTER
05:42Rhys?
05:43In 1973, there used to be things called public information films
05:46And they would tell children to not get trapped in fridges
05:49And not stand in front of tractors
05:51And there was one in 1973 called The Spirit of Dark and Lonely Water
05:56And it was narrated by Donald Pleasance
05:57And it was about children that shouldn't play in near water
06:00Because they would drown
06:01And in that film there is a sign that says no swimming
06:05And in my downstairs toilet I have the sign
06:08Here it is
06:09LAUGHTER
06:10LAUGHTER
06:11So there you go
06:14That's surprising, isn't it?
06:15Lovely
06:16LAUGHTER
06:17Unfortunately, the horror bar has been raised so high
06:20LAUGHTER
06:22It's very mundane now, isn't it?
06:23It's the first thing I see, I think, yeah, I could cope with that
06:26LAUGHTER
06:27Hello, Maisie
06:28I've brought in something nice and normal
06:30Ah...
06:31Yeah, I've brought in all my doors
06:33LAUGHTER
06:34APPLAUSE
06:37Yep
06:38All our internal doors
06:39LAUGHTER
06:40And I know what you're thinking
06:41That's just a picture of doors with a made-up background
06:44I can show you...
06:46Yep, here we go
06:47This is my door in the flat
06:48And I did that when my husband was out
06:51LAUGHTER
06:52And then left
06:53With the doors, so is the text I got from my husband
06:57LAUGHTER
07:00Oh, my God
07:01OK, so it's least likely to bring in from your home, Greg
07:04Well, I mean, I really like your sign
07:06But it's a framed photo, so he can only have one point
07:09Yes, fair enough
07:10One point
07:11Thank you, to Rhys
07:12And it's incredible for me to say this
07:13The one that horrified me the least
07:15Was the deadly asbestos
07:17LAUGHTER
07:18Two points to Phil
07:19I'm going to say that...
07:20..Maisie's doors are equivalent to Sanjeev's urine
07:25Fuck off!
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28I'm in so much trouble
07:30Yeah...
07:31And you won't get them back unless you win the episode
07:33Oh...
07:34LAUGHTER
07:36LAUGHTER
07:38OK, he hates it when I do this
07:40But I do think they all are remarkable
07:42That you would bring all three of those things in
07:44So I'll give you all five points
07:45Yay!
07:46CHEERING
07:47One, two, five, five, five
07:49OK, could I have a touch, please?
07:51Yes, I have one right here
07:52And it involves the greatest sporting team on planet Earth
08:08Hi, Rhys
08:09Hello
08:10Are you coming all the way to me?
08:11Well, I'm coming to you, yeah
08:12Lovely to see you
08:13You can stand behind the barrel, that'll be great
08:15A barrel
08:16Ahem
08:17Ahem
08:18Make the most accurate little model
08:20Of the Chesham
08:21Chesham
08:22The Chesham United mascot
08:24So the locals call it Chesham
08:25Ah
08:26But if you've only just arrived there, Chesham is OK
08:29OK, that's good to know
08:31You may only see what is inside two of the toilet tents
08:34Toilet? Oh, I thought it was spray tans
08:36Toilets?
08:37Yeah, five toilet tents
08:39You have ten minutes
08:41Your time starts now
08:43Go
08:44Generals
08:45Go
08:46Generals
08:47Oh
08:48Thank God
08:49You know
08:50The one thing I like is mascots
08:52Well, I hate football
08:54I don't know anything about it
08:55So I can't do it
08:56APPLAUSE
08:57OK, so Chesham United is the team that you're a director on, right?
09:01Mm-hm, yeah, but there's no conflict of interest, we're just...
09:03Well, it's funny you should say that, but when I read that you were doing this, I genuinely contacted a lawyer friend of mine and he has informed me that you talking about it as a director of Chesham United is a clear breach of the UK code of broadcast advertising, the BCAP code, sections 248.
09:13And as a result, you genuinely could be in legal trouble. Ah. You've never done that much research about any aspect of this show. I know. I was absolutely thrilled.
09:30LAUGHTER
09:31OK, well, there's a little joke here, but it doesn't feel appropriate. Here we go, then. And if you're a rap fan, you're going to love Rhys, Anya and Phil's initials.
09:47LAUGHTER
09:51I'm hoping the Chesham United mascot will be in one of the three tenths.
09:56One of the five tenths.
09:58Oh, hello!
09:59LAUGHTER
10:01Ooh, OK, that's heavy.
10:03Lovely.
10:04What we got here is treasure chest.
10:06Lovely, that's nice.
10:07Chest. Chesham, no.
10:09What would be great now is if a child I didn't know I had came out.
10:13LAUGHTER
10:16There's an actual person there that scared the crap out of me.
10:19Oh! Oh, my God, there's someone in there.
10:21Are you the Chesham United mascot?
10:23This is amazing. Have I nailed the task?
10:26Bear with me. Come on.
10:28Bummer, dear, let's have a laugh.
10:30We've got a game of chess.
10:32Yes.
10:33This is...
10:34Urgh!
10:35Ham.
10:36Chess.
10:37Ham.
10:38Oh, OK, I think that's the pig who's the mascot, and I've got to make a small pig.
10:42Oh, my God!
10:44He's got a plant pot on his head.
10:46Oh, it's a chess piece.
10:47Are you the mascot?
10:51I don't know what that is.
10:52I'm going to take it.
10:53You've either had a stroke or you're very much the mascot.
10:55Come on, baby!
10:56Daddy needs some new shoes.
11:00Go Generals.
11:01Yeah.
11:02I mean, what does it mean?
11:03How am I meant to, in isolation, understand what that means?
11:05That's the nickname of the football team.
11:07Well, I told you I hated football.
11:08Right.
11:09Do you know what?
11:11Please be careful.
11:14Oh.
11:15Right.
11:16Ooh, that's half your time up.
11:18That's half my time.
11:19Well, this is great, isn't it?
11:21I've got half the time left, and now you're giving me scissors.
11:24And face paint...
11:26It's pleasure.
11:27It's plasticine.
11:28I know.
11:29That could be his face.
11:32I'm going to make a football.
11:34Do you think the mascot of the football team is a football?
11:36Right.
11:37Yeah.
11:38I see that it might not be.
11:41I'm changing it.
11:42I'm changing it to a helmet.
11:43I'm very aware at this very late stage
11:45that I may have taken it for granted that that is the Chesham County mascot.
11:49You're pretty insistent that it's a county.
11:55I may have got football muddled up with territorial army.
11:59Five seconds.
12:00No!
12:01I'm from Chesham Town!
12:03Go Generals!
12:09It makes the usual bubbling rage during that,
12:11but my favourite moment of the whole task
12:15was just a moment of joy from you
12:17where I think we got the answer to the question,
12:20what will we do when David Dickinson retires?
12:24What we've got here is treasure chest.
12:26LAUGHTER
12:27APPLAUSE
12:34Simple as that.
12:35So the pig was the mascot.
12:37What?
12:38Oh!
12:39It's the official Chesham mascot and the bear was a red herring.
12:41OK, so Phil came up with this.
12:43Oh, there he is!
12:44LAUGHTER
12:45There's that pig we all know and love.
12:47LAUGHTER
12:49Flaking onto the pitch.
12:50Incredible.
12:51Incredible.
12:52That would fool a seasoned farmer.
12:53LAUGHTER
12:55Reece came up with this.
12:58LAUGHTER
12:59LAUGHTER
13:00I mean, it's pretty good.
13:05Have you just thought I'd be saying the sentence,
13:07that's not as good as Phil's?
13:10LAUGHTER
13:12Well, Anya did try to make the pig and she made this.
13:16Ooh!
13:18That is pretty good.
13:19Compare that to the real mascots.
13:20Yeah.
13:21Good.
13:22APPLAUSE
13:24OK, my friends, that's the end of part one.
13:27More mascot monstrosities will be made after some adverts
13:30to highlight the downward spiral of humanity.
13:33Work, spend, die!
13:35APPLAUSE
13:45Oh, hello! Hello again!
13:47Welcome back to Taskmaster.
13:50Hello. Sorry, Greg.
13:52As my gran always said, you can't hurry slurry.
13:56Before the break, the rivals were trying to craft the most accurate
13:59version of the Chesham mascot.
14:02LAUGHTER
14:03And they could only peep inside two of the tents for tips.
14:06Finally, it's the turn of Sanjeev and Maisie.
14:09Now, Maisie has, of course, had a huge advantage for this one,
14:12having played football at the Chesham ground, genuinely,
14:15where the mascot was first unveiled.
14:17This is the picture of Maisie with the mascot on the pitch.
14:21LAUGHTER
14:22You bastard.
14:24Go generals.
14:26That's a clue.
14:27Or a red herring.
14:29Whatever you want, Sanjeev.
14:30A bit creepy.
14:34Ooh, that's got something big there.
14:36OK.
14:37LAUGHTER
14:38LAUGHTER
14:39LAUGHTER
14:40LAUGHTER
14:49No, these two.
14:51LAUGHTER
14:52Do you need that back up?
14:55Right.
14:57LAUGHTER
14:58Is there someone in that?
15:01Is that a...
15:03Ah!
15:04You're no good!
15:06Generals!
15:07Stand up.
15:08Is there anything else?
15:10God's sake!
15:11I was counting on you!
15:14Thank you very much.
15:15Not at all creepy.
15:17LAUGHTER
15:18If you can sit yourself down it.
15:22OK.
15:24What's the number?
15:25What's the number?!
15:27Pig, look for a four-digit number.
15:29It'll be somewhere, I'm sure.
15:31LAUGHTER
15:33You wouldn't mind putting one hand.
15:36There.
15:37Please don't break the box.
15:40Yes!
15:43If you could just point that way.
15:46Put this hand and point that way.
15:50You need to salute like a general, yeah?
15:52Yeah, you've got that.
15:53See it?
15:54You're smashing it, mate.
15:55Wait there.
15:56LAUGHTER
16:01That's general.
16:03Go...
16:04General!
16:06Come on.
16:08APPLAUSE
16:09You've actually run next to the mascot, which is a pig with a chess piece on its head.
16:19And you have no recollection of it.
16:21It was a busy week, that week.
16:23Other things on.
16:24A lot of pigs, a lot of chess pieces.
16:26A lot of pigs, yeah.
16:27It's more common in the modern game than you'd think.
16:30You know, your chap would be worrying if it weren't for Sanjeev.
16:34God forgive me, but someone's got to point it out.
16:36You made the pig do a Nazi thing.
16:37LAUGHTER
16:42They're all thinking it.
16:43No, that was the general's bit.
16:44It was the pig was leading the charge because they...
16:47You can't...
16:48They had no fingers and you couldn't point.
16:49So, in summary...
16:50Yes.
16:51You created a new mascot involving the pig, the bear and the donkey.
16:56No, I didn't create a new mascot.
16:57I involved the mascot in a new tableau suggesting...
17:02Oh, yeah.
17:03That's what you were asked to do as well.
17:05Evolve the mascot into a new tableau.
17:07Was that known in Worthing?
17:08It was make the most accurate little model
17:10of the Chesham United mascot.
17:13Yeah, that's pretty...
17:14That was smaller than the one I was going for.
17:17OK, do you want to see all five mascots with the real mascot?
17:19I mean, not really.
17:20Yep. OK.
17:21The real one's bottom right.
17:22The real one's bottom right.
17:23I'm surprised that Sanjeev's isn't further right, actually.
17:31Sanjeev's made the mascot bigger and more racially hateful.
17:37So, one to Sanjeev.
17:38I'm not sure about racially hateful.
17:39I'm going to have to take a look at the diversity in mine.
17:43Compared to any other picture.
17:45LAUGHTER
17:47It's a good point.
17:48So, Tutor Maisie, because she hasn't made it smaller
17:50and she hasn't recreated it, she's just taped a sign to it.
17:54I mean, Reese's is definitely smaller than the original mascot
17:57but has absolutely nothing to do with it.
18:01You're telling me that that is less like a pig than Phil's?
18:04Hey!
18:05He's got a point.
18:06I'm sorry, but I have to say it.
18:07I think mine looks more like the pig.
18:09No!
18:10And it's even got a little chest piece on the top.
18:11What are you talking about?
18:12Look at me!
18:14I think if I squint at both of them,
18:16I see more of the shape of the mascot in Phil's.
18:19Because you're looking at the full body?
18:20I'm looking at the full body?
18:21Yeah, yeah.
18:22I get you.
18:25I take your point, but you can have three.
18:27Phil can have four.
18:28And five sweet points to Anya Magliano!
18:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:35I give this time for scoreboard.
18:36Me too.
18:37Anya is the only one in double figures.
18:38She's in the lead with ten points!
18:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:44I've had the team fast.
18:46Well, get ready for one of my favourites of all time,
18:49which is a big statement because I genuinely have
18:51almost zero opinions on anything.
18:53I'm a really bland guy.
18:54LAUGHTER
19:01We're back in here. Hi.
19:08Yep, a couple of chairs there.
19:09Oh, lovely.
19:10Hello.
19:11Hello.
19:12Hello.
19:13How's the team?
19:14Really good.
19:15Good. Bonding.
19:16Yes.
19:17Working well together.
19:18Yeah, we think so.
19:19I think that's true.
19:20Right.
19:23Discover the name of the person in the lab.
19:27You must take it in turns to ask one question
19:30and the person may only say yes or no.
19:33The other team members must remain in this room
19:36until the questioner returns.
19:38Each person in your team must address the person in the lab
19:41by the correct name before the task is complete.
19:44Fastest wins.
19:46Your time starts now.
19:48I'll go ask a question.
19:49OK.
19:50All right, cool.
19:51Right.
19:52Shall I go and ask if their name begins with a vowel?
19:55Is that clever?
19:56OK, yeah, go on.
19:57You get thinking of your next question, Rhys.
19:59A vowel.
20:00OK.
20:01A-E-I-O-U.
20:03APPLAUSE
20:05Well, that's the main takeaway, isn't it, really?
20:10The main takeaway from the introduction of this is that...
20:13Maisie and Rhys think vowels are clever,
20:17and Rhys is incredibly keen to point out that he knows them.
20:21LAUGHTER
20:23Let's crack on and see how clever they are.
20:25OK, well, we are going to start with a team of two.
20:27It is Rhys and it is Maisie.
20:29Here we go.
20:30Hiya.
20:31Hi.
20:32Does your name begin with a vowel?
20:35No.
20:36No.
20:37So we've got all the consonants to play with?
20:38Yep.
20:39What do you think the next question should be?
20:40Are you any of the women in the song Mambo No. 5?
20:43I know them all.
20:44Good, OK.
20:45Monica, Jessica.
20:47Hello.
20:48Is your name any of the women in the song Mambo No. 5?
20:50No.
20:51No.
20:52How many have we eliminated out of women's names in the world?
20:53I think six.
20:54Good.
20:55How can we narrow down women's names?
20:56B to P.
20:57Does your name begin with any of the letters from A to P in the alphabet?
21:00Yes.
21:01Ooh!
21:02It does, it does!
21:03B to G.
21:04Does your name begin with B to G?
21:05No.
21:06Race it's G to P.
21:07Ugh!
21:08Is it a K?
21:09Does your name start with a K?
21:10No.
21:12Does your name begin with L?
21:13Yeah.
21:14Yes!
21:15It's L!
21:16It's L!
21:17It's L!
21:18It's L!
21:19It's L!
21:20It's L!
21:21OK.
21:22Not L!
21:23It's L!
21:24It's L!
21:25It's L!
21:26It's L!
21:27It's L!
21:28It's L!
21:29It's L!
21:30It's L!
21:31It's L!
21:32It's L!
21:33It's L!
21:34OK.
21:35Not Lisa.
21:36Lisa's in Mambo number five.
21:37OK.
21:38Is it Laura?
21:39No.
21:41Is your name Louise?
21:42Yeah.
21:43Yes!
21:44It's Louise!
21:45Louise!
21:46It's Louise!
21:47Stop the clock!
21:48Yes!
21:49You haven't completed the task.
21:50What?
21:51OK.
21:52Now, each person in your team must address the person in the lab by the correct name before the task is complete.
21:54Just say hi, Louise.
21:55I will.
21:57Hi, Louise.
21:59Hi, Louise.
22:00No.
22:01It's not!
22:02It's not Louise!
22:03Eh?
22:04He's really angry.
22:05He's really angry.
22:06What does it mean?
22:07She just said to me her name was Louise.
22:08What?
22:09Don't say, is your name Louise?
22:10I did that last time.
22:11Is your name Louise?
22:12Yes.
22:13Rhys!
22:14Rhys!
22:15And she said yes.
22:16Ugh.
22:17All the names in the world, we got down to Louise and it's not.
22:18Yeah.
22:19Should we maybe try to stay a bit calm?
22:20Yeah.
22:21Yeah.
22:22Yeah.
22:23Yeah.
22:24Yeah.
22:25Calm and collected.
22:26Hello, Louise.
22:27Are you lying about your name?
22:28No.
22:29OK.
22:30We're missing something here.
22:31Yeah.
22:32What are we missing?
22:33Rhys, could it be a different person in the lab?
22:34Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
23:04THEY LAUGH
23:07What have you found?
23:09They're twins! They're fucking twins!
23:12They keep swapping them out! Look behind the door!
23:15They're swapping them out! Yes!
23:19Yeah. I'm on to you now.
23:24That's all right.
23:26I put a piece of sellotape on her.
23:28Does your sister's name begin with J?
23:31No. No!
23:32Does your sister's name begin with a K?
23:35No.
23:36You're not asking her sister's name as well, are you?
23:38I'm going, is your sister's name?
23:40Yeah, and I'm saying is your sister's name.
23:42Oh, fuck off, no!
23:43That's wrong, isn't it?
23:44You've been asking about her sister!
23:46It's very confusing when there's twins.
23:48Does your name begin with an L?
23:50Yes.
23:51It does!
23:52It does?
23:53I think I've got it.
23:54Warren.
23:55No.
23:56Is your name Lynn?
23:57No.
23:58No, of course not.
23:59Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
24:02Is the second letter of your sister's name a consonant?
24:06Yes.
24:07What about L-U?
24:08That's a power!
24:09Oh, yes.
24:10That's right, yes.
24:11What else can you add on to Lynn to make a name?
24:14Lindsay.
24:15Is it Lindsay?
24:16Have we had it?
24:17No.
24:18Lindsay.
24:19With a Y?
24:20Is your name Lindsay?
24:21Yes.
24:22I've done the clock.
24:23Lindsay.
24:24We've done it.
24:25I mean, I've so many questions.
24:26I guess I'll start with, why was your go-to system Mambo Number 5?
24:41I just tried to think of something where there's loads of women's names in one go.
24:48It allowed us later in the game to eradicate Lisa from the situation.
24:51Yeah, but Lisa's not in the song.
24:52There she is!
24:53Monica, Erica, Rita, Tina, Sandra, Mary and Jessica.
24:56All right, so she's not in the song?
24:58It doesn't matter, does it?
25:00Even you reading the note like that made me want to go...
25:02A lot of the time you appeared as someone who was scared of her partner.
25:15Rhys is terrifying, I'll just say that.
25:17At one point, almost to yourself, you went, he's really angry.
25:21He's not angry, he's...
25:23Disappointed.
25:25And then saying we were a good team.
25:27We were a good team.
25:28Yeah.
25:29He's like, good cop, furious cop.
25:31Yeah.
25:32Well.
25:33Well.
25:34It looked like it took forever.
25:3644 minutes 30, a lovely massage.
25:38Wow.
25:3944 minutes 30.
25:40What I'd like to think now, before I throw to break,
25:43is that you'd be able to play in Mambo Number 5.
25:47And I know you haven't got it,
25:49but what I'm going to do is I'm going to read the link to break,
25:51imagining it is playing.
25:55OK.
25:56It's time for a much-needed break.
25:57We'll see you in a minute.
26:02Hello.
26:03Welcome back.
26:04It's part three, a taskmaster,
26:05and we're in the middle of a fiendistic tricky team task.
26:06Hmm.
26:07It's not that tricky, Greg.
26:08I think some people are just thick.
26:09And at last, I've got an opinion.
26:12But now it's time to see how the team of three got on.
26:15It's Anya, Phil and Sanjeev.
26:18Oh, hello.
26:19Hi.
26:20Is your name Thompson?
26:21No.
26:22You all right?
26:23Yeah.
26:24Is that my question?
26:25Yeah.
26:26Out you come.
26:27Doesn't begin from A to G.
26:28Not H, R or J.
26:29Either K or L.
26:30Yes.
26:31Doesn't begin with a K.
26:32So it begins with an L.
26:33Is your name Louise?
26:34No.
26:35It's not Louise!
26:36Is there a U?
26:37No.
26:38Oh, hello.
26:39Oh, hello.
26:40Hi.
26:41Is your name Thompson?
26:42No.
26:43You all right?
26:44Yeah.
26:45Is that my question?
26:46Yeah.
26:47Out you come.
26:48Doesn't begin from A to G.
26:51Not H, R or J.
26:52Either K or L.
26:53Yes.
26:54Doesn't begin with a K.
26:55So it begins with an L.
26:56Yeah.
26:57Is your name Louise?
26:58No.
26:59It's not Louise!
27:00Is there a U?
27:01No.
27:02No.
27:06Snooker queue.
27:07Snooker clue.
27:10Right.
27:12Billiard snooker.
27:14Q.
27:15Right.
27:16Is the second letter E?
27:18No.
27:23Are any letters repeated?
27:25No.
27:26There must be a quicker way to do this.
27:28I'll say, can you say yes when I point to the right letter?
27:31That's good.
27:32That's good.
27:33That's so clever.
27:34Aye, it is.
27:35The third letter of your name.
27:36Yes.
27:37Oh, right.
27:39I think it is Louise.
27:40I think they're lying.
27:41It's U.
27:42No, I asked her if there was a U in her name and she said no.
27:45Then she's a damn liar.
27:46The next letter is D.
27:47Loud.
27:48This isn't a name.
27:49It's called loud.
27:50Yes.
27:51E?
27:52It's an E!
27:53Loud.
27:54Okay, I'll just go for it.
27:55Makes no sense.
27:56Is that wrong?
27:57Yes.
27:58Guys, it's not.
27:59We've gone wrong.
28:00This has put me off making new people.
28:01The second last letter.
28:02Yes.
28:03Okay.
28:04I asked about double letters before and you said there weren't any.
28:06That's a double letter.
28:07This is like insane.
28:08Why is nothing making sense?
28:09What the hell is going on?
28:10Okay, guys, I said are there clues as to how we can get your name somewhere and she said
28:16yes.
28:17Oh, Thompson.
28:18Thompson.
28:19I was just thinking Thompson twins.
28:20Got it.
28:21Is it in any way?
28:22No.
28:23No.
28:24No.
28:25No.
28:26No.
28:27No.
28:28No.
28:29No.
28:30No.
28:31No.
28:32No.
28:33No.
28:34No.
28:35No.
28:36No.
28:37No.
28:38No.
28:39It is very connected to the Thompson twins.
28:41Yes.
28:42It is.
28:43He's a twin.
28:44They're twins.
28:45Twins are identical.
28:46They can't have any other than repetition.
28:47Is it a name that's saying its like merging?
28:50Oh.
28:51She's going to be like ?
28:52Please say something good.
29:06Hi.
29:07There's two of them! There's two of them!
29:09There's one behind the curtain! They're twins!
29:11Oh, they keep swapping! They're twins!
29:13So, Louise is probably right, I bet, for one.
29:15Yeah! We'll just keep going
29:17instead of your name Louise and we'll see what happens.
29:19Is your name Louise?
29:21No.
29:23Who did Phil ask?
29:25Are you Louise? No.
29:31Is your name Louise? No.
29:33No! This one's not Louise either!
29:35OK, here we go!
29:37Louise? Yes.
29:39Yes! It's a swap.
29:41Is your name Louise? No.
29:43I was going to ask again.
29:45Is your name Louise? Yes.
29:47Brilliant, nice one, thanks.
29:49Are you having a nice time? Yes.
29:53Hello. Hi. Are you Louise? Yes.
29:55I've done the clock.
29:57APPLAUSE
29:59The song that sums up the whole attempt was Anya looking at Phil and going,
30:07please say something good.
30:09While Sanjeev was just sighing periodically.
30:13I felt like Sanjeev...
30:15It felt like Sanjeev was babysitting us.
30:17LAUGHTER
30:19You didn't have to find out both their names.
30:21You just had to say the name of the person in the lab.
30:23So you all got Louise, you never found out Lindsay's name.
30:25You took 19 and a half minutes longer than the other team.
30:27One hour and three minutes!
30:29Aw, A range! Dream team!
30:31Dream team!
30:32One hour and three minutes.
30:33And also, at the end, Phil went in twice in a row
30:35and you didn't take any turns at any end.
30:37There's that damn snooker cube!
30:39LAUGHTER
30:40This has got a sting for you, Sanjeev, hasn't it?
30:42Do you know what?
30:43You just have to sit back, let the kids play...
30:45LAUGHTER
30:47And, you know, at some point the parents will come back
30:49and you get paid and you go home.
30:51LAUGHTER
30:52Remarkably, Maisie and Rhys have definitely won,
30:54so well done you.
30:55Five points for Maisie and Rhys.
30:56APPLAUSE
31:00Do we get any points?
31:01Oh, I think...
31:03I'll give you one or two.
31:04I just haven't decided which yet.
31:05OK, when are you going to do that?
31:07LAUGHTER
31:09I'll take one, because it was my fault
31:12and I'd really like the other two to have two points.
31:15If you think...
31:16Wow!
31:17Do you know what, Phil?
31:18I agree!
31:19That is so lovely.
31:21Wow!
31:22That is lovely and sportsmanlike,
31:23and if you want one point, I agree,
31:25the whole team should help.
31:26LAUGHTER
31:28APPLAUSE
31:30One point for the team agree!
31:32Well done!
31:33CHEERING
31:35Let's have another task.
31:36Thank you for the opportunity, Greg.
31:37Right then, everyone,
31:38come with me
31:39and let's have some good old-fashioned fun
31:41and games in the hutch.
31:43Ooh!
31:44MUSIC
31:51Hiya!
31:52Traditional-looking game.
31:53It's a brand-new game.
31:54Oh, right, OK.
31:55Looks like an old game to me, but...
31:57Create your own snakes and steps board.
31:58You must add one snake and one set of steps.
32:00You must also add one mystery box.
32:01Ooh!
32:02The instruction inside the mystery box is up to you.
32:03You have ten minutes, your time starts now.
32:04Ow!
32:05Well, he really will stretch, won't he?
32:06Oops!
32:07Yeah.
32:08Right.
32:09Right.
32:10Here we go.
32:11So, we're going to make some steps.
32:12They can grow back anyway.
32:13They can grow back anyway.
32:14I look at it like life, you go into the steps board.
32:15You must add one snake and one set of steps.
32:18You must also add one mystery box.
32:21Ooh!
32:22The instruction inside the mystery box is up to you.
32:24You have ten minutes, your time starts now.
32:26Ow!
32:27Well, he really will stretch, won't he?
32:31Oops!
32:32Yeah.
32:33Right.
32:34Here we go.
32:35So, we're going to make some steps.
32:37They can grow back anyway.
32:42I look at it like life.
32:44You go, oh, well, first put on that old property step.
32:48Here I go.
32:50Oh!
32:51The mystery box?
32:53And this is just any rule?
32:55Yeah.
32:56So, you've got to do whatever this says.
32:57Mm-hmm.
33:03That's going in the mystery box.
33:04And what number's that going on?
33:05It's on number 70.
33:0747, 48, 61, 62.
33:09It's a mystery.
33:10Thank you very much.
33:11Excellent, thank you.
33:12Look forward to playing your game.
33:13Er, you're on your own.
33:14APPLAUSE
33:16Andrea thinks that if you cut a snake in half, it grows back.
33:20It does?
33:21No, it doesn't.
33:22OK.
33:23A worm?
33:24Sure.
33:25If you cut a snake in half, it dies.
33:29They're basically the same sort of guy.
33:31The film Worms on a Plane is not as...
33:33APPLAUSE
33:39OK, Greg, it's time to supersize things while at the same time
33:42gaining further insight into Maisie Adams' memory.
33:45Ooh.
33:46Ooh.
33:47Oh, for fuck's sake.
33:48LAUGHTER
34:01Hello.
34:02Ooh.
34:03Oh.
34:04I don't remember this.
34:05Does it ring any bells?
34:06No.
34:07No, but I'm willing to venture into the unknown.
34:13Win, snakes and steps.
34:15This isn't the one I designed, though, is it?
34:17Well...
34:18Is it?
34:19Players will move from youngest to oldest.
34:22Players.
34:24Which players?
34:25So you're up against four other comedians.
34:27Oh, right.
34:28You must throw the die properly each time
34:31and you must not tamper with the die.
34:33If you land on the head of a snake,
34:35you must slither down to its tail.
34:37I know the rules.
34:38If you land at the base of a step, you've got to climb it.
34:41If you land on the mystery box, you must do what it says.
34:45First to land exactly on the finishing seat wins.
34:48Your time starts...
34:50..now.
34:51And you'll be going fourth in the game because of your age.
34:54Oh, Christ.
34:57Which number do you think you'll be throwing?
35:00Thanks.
35:01None taken.
35:06So we've combined all their...
35:08That's what I was about to ask, just to clarify.
35:10Go for it.
35:11So that was all of them.
35:12That was all of them on one big bolt.
35:13It's worth noting that Phil's steps started at 11, 12, 13 and 14
35:19and went up to 71, the penultimate square,
35:22where his snake met the ladder and took you all the way back down
35:26to the beginning.
35:27But I presumed you would all think you would have to do it later on.
35:30None of you did.
35:32So, you have no recollection of that whatsoever.
35:35There was a lot of weeks between when I did the one in the hutch
35:38and coming to that race course.
35:40Yeah.
35:41Three.
35:42LAUGHTER
35:43OK.
35:44We're stopping for another break.
35:45In the final part of the show,
35:47someone will go home with all of the doors from Maisie Adams' home.
35:51LAUGHTER
35:52Don't worry, she won't remember.
35:54LAUGHTER
35:55We'll see you in a minute.
35:57APPLAUSE
36:06Hello.
36:07Thank you and welcome to the final part of the show.
36:10And if you think Tipping Point is exciting, get ready,
36:13cos you're about to see a giant game of Snakes and Steps.
36:17And also, you're wrong about Tipping Point.
36:20That is bang out of order, Greg.
36:22Shout-out to Ben Shepard.
36:23Love you, bro.
36:24Seriously.
36:25LAUGHTER
36:26Now for the game we've all been waiting for
36:28and we're going to see four of them playing it.
36:31That's everyone apart from Rhys.
36:33And Rhys knows why.
36:35LAUGHTER
36:36Who do you think the youngest is, Anya?
36:37Me.
36:38You get to go first.
36:39Yes!
36:41Five!
36:43That's a five.
36:47Oh, that was lame, so I'm here.
36:48Correct.
36:50Come on, Daddy needs some new shoes.
36:52It's gone overboard.
36:54Six!
36:55That's good, that.
36:56Yeah.
36:57I think it's a six, innit?
36:58Why is it a six?
36:59Just nod the camera if you can see a six.
37:02We're on a six, baby!
37:03You're taking that as a six.
37:04One, two, three, four, five, six.
37:06That ladder goes all the way up to 71.
37:08Oh, really?
37:09Five.
37:10Three.
37:11Oh, these are ladders.
37:12Oh, these are for mine!
37:13Mm-hm.
37:14Oh, I know what's going to happen.
37:16What's going to happen, Phil?
37:17Can I throw this anywhere on the floor?
37:18Ideally, we're sort of just in front of you here.
37:22OK.
37:23Oh, you've got to the base of some steps.
37:24Right.
37:25Yeah, you're at number 71.
37:26That was a good move.
37:27OK.
37:28Can I throw it here?
37:29Oh, unfortunately, you're actually on a snake there.
37:30Well, that's kind of useless.
37:32This is... that's a daft game.
37:33I agree with you.
37:34Should I just start here?
37:35Well, I think you have to, yeah.
37:36All right.
37:37Why would you put a ladder up to where you're going to have a snake?
37:39You're going to have to ask Phil.
37:41Phil?
37:42Phil Ellis.
37:43Did he design the course?
37:44Because that's favouritism if you're letting some of us design it.
37:48Whoever put a snake there is an absolute moron.
37:51Oh, no, there's a snake!
37:52Phil's snake.
37:53Phil is a snake.
37:54Right, welcome back to the start.
37:56You do have an extra throw because you've got a six.
37:58Three.
37:59Three.
38:00Three.
38:01Three.
38:02Three.
38:03Three.
38:04One, two, three.
38:05I think that goes to the end.
38:07Hey!
38:08That's Anya's ladder.
38:09Where does it take you?
38:10To the finish.
38:13Congratulations, Maisie.
38:14Why is it Anya's ladder, though?
38:15Don't worry about that.
38:17Come on.
38:18Congratulations.
38:19That is the end of Snakes and Steps.
38:21I feel sorry for the amount of set-up,
38:23for the amount of length of time that took, really.
38:25I feel guilty.
38:26APPLAUSE
38:31I don't want to make you paranoid, but it is incredible, isn't it?
38:33I'm worried now.
38:34I think I need to get checked.
38:36So, Phil basically ruined everyone's.
38:39But luckily, Anya had put one on number four,
38:41and they all threw a three, which got them to four,
38:43and they got to the end pretty quick.
38:44Very competitive.
38:45Mm.
38:46But why has Rhys been singled out?
38:48Exactly.
38:49What happened?
38:50Brush your teeth.
38:51Grab a sleeping bag.
38:52It is time for Rhys's attempt,
38:55with thanks, of course, to Phil Ellis.
38:57Here we go.
38:58Oh, no!
39:00OK.
39:01Oh, you're at the base of a ladder.
39:02She goes all the way up to here.
39:05Oh, now I only need one.
39:08No, you don't, because where are you now?
39:10Isn't that the end?
39:11That's just one.
39:12That's the end, yeah, but there's something else on 71.
39:14Who put that there?
39:18Phil.
39:23Four.
39:24So, you're going up your own ladder.
39:26Oh, is it secure?
39:28No.
39:31Oh, a mystery box.
39:32Oh, look at it.
39:33Yeah, that's exciting.
39:34Urgh!
39:35Urgh!
39:36You are bitten by a snake.
39:38I need an antidote, and it's found on square nine.
39:41Do you remember who wrote that?
39:42I think I wrote it, didn't I?
39:45Clearly fine.
39:47They're all doing this.
39:48Yeah.
39:53I'm all right now.
39:54Great.
39:55Four.
39:56There's quite a big ladder.
39:57Oh, yep.
40:04Do you want a hand?
40:05No!
40:06I don't!
40:07You're going up Phil's ladder.
40:09But now I'm on Phil's snake.
40:10Yeah.
40:11Does it activate again?
40:12It's not a single-use snake.
40:13Not a single-use snake.
40:16Oh, fuck.
40:17And then there's a five, okay?
40:18Three, four, five.
40:19Up to the top of there, down there.
40:21Four!
40:22Up the ladder, down the snake, back to the start.
40:24Up the ladder, down the snake, back to the start.
40:25There we go again.
40:26Up the ladder, down the snake, back to the start.
40:27Done with this.
40:28One.
40:29Oh.
40:30Maze's ladder.
40:31Yep.
40:32Can this be one?
40:33Will I ever be able to end it?
40:34Yeah, just with the right attitude.
40:36What do you mean?
40:37What's that supposed to mean?
40:39I've got to roll again, but I'm going to look at this.
40:41Hey, mate.
40:43Read the next one.
40:45Read the next note.
40:47How's things?
40:49PTO.
40:51Read the next one.
40:52Who did this?
40:53Phil.
40:55Go back to the start.
40:57Him to deserve this.
40:58I just did an antidote thing.
40:59It didn't affect anybody.
41:03I'm sorry.
41:04Back down.
41:05Four.
41:06Nice.
41:07So you just need a five or a six?
41:08What did you say?
41:09Five or a six?
41:10Mm-hmm.
41:11Okay.
41:15Five?
41:16Five.
41:17Great.
41:18You cleared the ladder.
41:19Two.
41:20That's fine.
41:21Seventeen.
41:22Three.
41:23Six.
41:24Six.
41:25Thirty-three.
41:26Five.
41:27Four.
41:28Six.
41:29Three.
41:30Two.
41:31Three.
41:32Five.
41:33Six.
41:34Six.
41:38That's the worst you could have thrown.
41:41Is that again?
41:42I did tell you what you needed.
41:44The four is in this.
41:45It's just a bouncy stupid thing.
41:46You've got numbers on it.
41:47No.
41:48Spin down the stairs.
41:49Three.
41:50You're at the base of Anya's ladder.
41:52And then I come all the way down.
41:53Follow it up and see what happens.
42:00Oh, my God!
42:07I didn't...
42:10Can we swap seats?
42:13I mean, I've suggested there's a bumbling rage in you, Rhys,
42:16but I thought you were remarkably well-humoured, considering.
42:19Thank you, yeah.
42:22Except when you went,
42:23it's just a bouncy stupid thing with numbers on it!
42:27I thought maybe the cracks were starting to show then.
42:29It was a lot of bad luck in that.
42:30It looked like it took a lifetime.
42:32Yeah, I mean, it's not even about speed,
42:34it's the number of rolls, but he did take 42 minutes.
42:36So, same as with the twins, really.
42:38How many rolls?
42:4032 throws.
42:4232 throws.
42:43And you did it in three and two, in three?
42:45Yeah, two...
42:46Well, there's a system, you know, one you know.
42:49Avoid the snake, really.
42:53Not rocket science, mate.
42:58Reeves gets one point.
42:59Two points to Anya, three throws, three points to Phil,
43:02but they both got two throws, so they get five points each.
43:05The winners are Maisie and Sam Jean!
43:07APPLAUSE
43:12It is, of course, now time to head to the stage
43:14for the final task of the show!
43:24Who will be reading the task yet?
43:25Rhys Shearsmith, please.
43:28Turn your cup triangle completely upside down.
43:32Oh!
43:33Your upside down cup triangle must be freestanding
43:37and you must obey the instructions written on each layer.
43:42If any cups fall, you must completely start again.
43:45Mm-hm.
43:46You may not affect other people's cup triangles.
43:50Wait, what do you... What does it mean?
43:52I'm not finished.
43:53Oh.
43:55Fastest wins.
43:58On your mark.
43:59Get set.
44:01And they're off.
44:03Right hand behind my back.
44:04Oh, bobbots.
44:07This is interesting.
44:08Right eye shut.
44:09Right eye shut.
44:10She's bypassed the first two instructions.
44:12There's no rules against that, I suppose.
44:15Right foot off the ground.
44:16What?
44:17Right foot off the ground.
44:18Right foot off the ground.
44:19Oh.
44:21So you need to rebuild your triangle.
44:23Then, fuck off.
44:24Oh, Sanjeev.
44:25Mouth open, tongue out groaning.
44:26Oh!
44:27Oh!
44:28Oh, that's...
44:29Oh!
44:30Oh!
44:31Oh!
44:32Oh!
44:33Oh!
44:34Oh!
44:35Oh!
44:36Oh!
44:37Oh!
44:38Oh!
44:39Oh!
44:40Oh!
44:41Oh!
44:42Oh!
44:43Oh!
44:44Oh!
44:45Oh!
44:46Oh!
44:47Oh!
44:48Oh!
44:49Oh!
44:50Oh!
44:51Oh!
44:52Oh!
44:53Oh!
44:54Oh!
44:55Oh!
44:56I'm very sorry to say that Rhys has not turned it upside down.
44:59She's turned hers upside down.
45:00What?!
45:01Oh!
45:02Oh!
45:03Oh, Rhys.
45:04The cups are the wrong way up.
45:05Oh!
45:06Oh!
45:07Oh!
45:08Oh!
45:09Oh!
45:10Oh!
45:11Oh!
45:12Oh!
45:13Oh!
45:14Oh!
45:15Oh!
45:16Oh!
45:17Oh!
45:18Oh!
45:19Oh!
45:20Oh!
45:21Oh!
45:22Oh!
45:23Oh,エ são bons!
45:24Oh!
45:25E?
45:26Aww!
45:27Shall we get the medics, have a look at me?
45:30Yeah.
45:31She's not going to remember, any isn't it?
45:32The?
45:33The?
45:34The?
45:36The?
45:37The?
45:38The?
45:39The?
45:40The?
45:41The?
45:42The?
45:43The?
45:44It's happy then now, but let's see you there, old man.
45:47LAUGHTER
45:52Wonderful. We'll head back to your final scores.
45:54Come down and join me!
45:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:00Wow. Mm. That's exciting stuff. Yes.
46:04So, Rhys got one point on that one, Maisie two, Sanjeev three, Phil four,
46:07but the winner of the task was Anya with five points.
46:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:12And so? And so.
46:14So, for the winner of the episode, with 19 points,
46:18it is...
46:19Maisie Adams!
46:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:23Maisie Adams wins!
46:25Please, high cubs to the stage for your unlikely high cubs prizes!
46:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:32So, what...
46:34What have we learned today?
46:36Well, I believe we've learnt the very definition of victory.
46:39Is it the person with the most points? No.
46:42Is it the person who heads home with the prizes?
46:45No.
46:46The definition of victory is getting a fellow competitor
46:49to take home a vial of your own piss.
46:51LAUGHTER
46:52We'll see you next time, but for now,
46:54here's the episode winner, Maisie Adams!
46:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:59Let's come back once!
47:00Cheer...
47:01He gets EB measures.
47:02Help me to meet his inclusion!
47:03Yes!
47:04I appreciate the focus for the opportunity to go see you!
47:05Let's come on!
47:06We deserve every time...
47:07With picturesqueQueQue Soleimovale
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