- 2 minutes ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Step away from the tarnation casket, Baron Thistle.
00:14You cannot stop me, Arbanite.
00:16Once the stream is activated, the negative feedback will rip your world apart.
00:23We have 1.32 minutes to...
00:25What the fuck is happening? Are you following any of this?
00:28I'm so lost. Should we turn the subtitles back on?
00:31It's nano-configuration, causing the tarnation casket to self-implode.
00:35But that's impossible!
00:36Nothing's impossible!
00:37With the robot trees, you're Arbanite, our leader.
00:42Redwood, you're the hothead.
00:44Palm the art, you're our resident supergenius.
00:47Cypress, you're our girlboss boss lady.
00:50And I'm Tannenbaum, here to get your rears in gear.
00:55Did he seriously reintroduce each character?
00:58This is the ninth movie!
00:59Die, Tannenbaum, you suck!
01:01Guys, you're talking over the whole ending!
01:03This is not over, robo-trees!
01:10Your day of reckoning will soon be at hand!
01:15Don't just stand there, Redwood! He's still in range!
01:18Shoot him!
01:18You're literally holding a gun!
01:20Robo-trees, let's go home.
01:23Yeah, I need a bath.
01:25Cause I'm thinking.
01:28It's our maximum velocity.
01:31Ugh, not exactly Citizen Kane.
01:33I kinda loved it.
01:34Oh, God, Red, what are you doing?
01:37I don't know what to do with these feelings, Jerry.
01:39This used to be my favorite franchise.
01:41Maybe it's time to like something else.
01:43No, I want to talk to the manager.
01:49You in charge?
01:51Yeah, I'm James Gunn.
01:53Hey!
01:54Bradley Cooper carved that desk.
01:56What was up with that last maximum velocity?
01:58You didn't like it?
01:59I thought it was great.
02:00You're ruining my childhood, which is still ongoing.
02:03Stop eating up screen time with stupid comic relief characters
02:06and put more cool shit in the story!
02:08Guys, I'm a fan too.
02:10Why do you think Warner Brothers put me behind that desk you now owe me?
02:13So you could pitch Batman ideas to yourself?
02:15Exactly.
02:16And you know what I've learned?
02:17Making movies isn't easy.
02:19The next Maximum Velocity movie has been rewritten 40 times, 30 by me.
02:24Now, we'll spend five years and a half a billion making it.
02:27But in the end, know what will make fans like you like it?
02:30A fucking miracle.
02:31No.
02:32What the next Maximum Velocity film needs is us.
02:35I'd like to see you try...
02:36Time to fix this broken franchise.
02:38Good luck doing anything with that script.
02:40It's watermarked.
02:47I'll get an Uber.
02:49I'll get an Uber.
03:19I don't know.
03:21This script is pretty good.
03:22Give that back, Dad.
03:23Whoa.
03:24What's that?
03:26The Movie-lyzer.
03:28It makes movies at the speed of thought.
03:29I invented it during the title sequence.
03:31Let's see what James Gunn had cooking.
03:33For the honor of the robo-tree.
03:42Time to die.
03:44With the power of friendship.
03:47Yikes.
03:47Citizen Kane doesn't strike again.
03:50Oh, he will.
03:51The Movie-lyzer uses a prompt-driven CPU.
03:53I just type whatever tweaks I want and it auto-generates the rest.
03:56Let's tell ya.
03:57Make it lose that bad guy.
03:58Bear and Thistle hasn't been cool since the third movie.
04:01Let's kill two birds with one prompt.
04:04Till we meet again, robo-tree.
04:06Wait.
04:07Where did this gun come from?
04:09Oh!
04:09Oh!
04:10Oh!
04:10Whoopsie.
04:12Hey!
04:12That man was unarmed.
04:13Yeah, man.
04:14Uncool.
04:14Oh, it was an accident.
04:17So awesome.
04:19They hate him.
04:19Here.
04:20Watch this.
04:22I sentence you to life in prison for unlicensed murder.
04:26Oh, please.
04:28Uh, isn't some of the stuff you're messing with important?
04:31Oh, fuck the fuck off, Jerry.
04:32That formula-driven save-the-cat bullshit is what killed the last couple of movies.
04:36That's right, Morty.
04:37We're gonna make the people care about the robo-trees again.
04:39Movie-lyzer, make us care!
04:55Where are we?
04:57Oh, shit.
04:58Morty, look!
05:00Oh, my God!
05:02It's robo-trees at orders!
05:04Wait.
05:05How?
05:06How is this happening?
05:08Intruders!
05:09Let's go!
05:11Stop them!
05:12Stop!
05:13The movie-lyzer last action heroed us.
05:16We're characters in the movie now, Morty.
05:18It hurts.
05:19Are you guys okay?
05:21I mean, I can see you're being shot at.
05:23Dad?
05:23Holy shit.
05:24I can hear your internal dialogue in my head.
05:26Is the machine supposed to work like this?
05:28No.
05:28The movie-lyzer malfunctioned.
05:30Now the robo-trees are trying to kill us.
05:32Really?
05:32Uh, let me try something.
05:34What the hell is this?
05:36A 2007 Kia Spectra.
05:38I thought you could use a cool getaway car.
05:40Are you kidding me?
05:41This car sucks.
05:42This joke's on you.
05:43Edmund's car report gave it three stars.
05:45It's a family sedan.
05:46Shoot it!
05:47Better than nothing.
05:48Let's go.
05:49How are we going to get out of here?
05:55The movie-lyzer might eject us once the story is over.
05:57Jerry, type that we skip to the end and everything works out.
06:00I don't think I can, guys.
06:02It says the script is 3,000 pages and counting.
06:05Also, there's an error thing bleeping that says antagonist not found and no third act.
06:10Without an ending, you'll be stuck in the movie forever.
06:12God damn it!
06:14You cut a bunch of stuff out willy-nilly.
06:16What did you expect?
06:17Look, I understand story.
06:19Let me just put everything back that you took out and-
06:21Jerry, stop!
06:22You'll only make things worse.
06:23You're a terrible writer and you should never, ever get on the keys.
06:27Well, excuse me for living.
06:28All right, we killed the villain.
06:30Gotta undo that.
06:30Didn't they use lightning to bring George Washington back to life in Maximum Velocity 3?
06:34Tell no lies?
06:35Hold on.
06:36The machine doesn't hate that.
06:38See?
06:38This is going to work.
06:39We'll bring back Baron Thistle and give this stupid thing an ending.
06:42Use your blinker!
06:44Fuck off!
06:47Okay.
06:51All we need now is a little lightning.
07:02We're back, baby!
07:03It worked!
07:04Look out!
07:05Dabby!
07:06Dude, we just brought him back.
07:10Fucker beat you.
07:11Wait, the movie-lyzer is detecting a new antagonist.
07:14I don't see any-
07:15Guys, this new character has given you a 20.5% better chance of ending the movie.
07:25But I am in pain.
07:26So, we're back on course?
07:28Sort of.
07:29You still need a third act.
07:30In the original draft, Baron Thistle was going to kill Tannenbaum in front of the Robo-Trees.
07:35Huh.
07:35That would have been a cool ending.
07:37Maybe son of Thistle could finish what his father started?
07:41Hmm.
07:42You do kind of look like him.
07:43You want me to kill Tannenbaum?
07:45Whatever works.
07:46Okay.
07:46I'll break Tannenbaum out of jail, reunite him with the Robo-Trees, and then Morty will kill him.
07:50Does the machine recognize that as an ending?
07:52Hold on.
07:55It does!
07:57Kind of bleak, though.
07:58Shut up.
07:58I'm off to a jailbreak.
08:00Whoa!
08:00What the hell am I supposed to do?
08:02You're the new bad guy.
08:03Hook up with the henchweeds and give the Robo-Trees something to stop.
08:06Something to stop?
08:07What's that mean?
08:07See you in the third act!
08:14Extra creatine, please.
08:17Yo, James Gunn.
08:18Oh, hi, Zack Snyder.
08:19Just saw your new cut of Superman and word of advice.
08:22He's the man of steel, not the man of conversation.
08:25Okay.
08:25Do more shots of him punching, and here is a secret move.
08:29Start the punch at regular speed, and then you're going to ramp it down.
08:32It's not a fucking secret!
08:34I'm sorry, Zack Snyder.
08:36I shouldn't be lashing out at you.
08:37Your biceps are the size of my head.
08:39Yes, but so is my heart.
08:42What's going on with you?
08:43Some fan of the Velocitry franchise got under the lot today.
08:47He used a portal, and he just...
08:49Zack, we're not losing touch with the audience, are we?
08:52I mean, I gave notes on the goddamn Count Chocula movie this morning.
08:55Was the portal green?
08:57That's Rick Sanchez.
08:58Huh, Gunner.
08:59That's the guy that sealed Nolan in the giant bookcase to quote-unquote punish him for interstellar.
09:04He doesn't represent real fans.
09:06He's just the smartest man in the universe.
09:08Don't sweat it.
09:09You can't do what we do.
09:11Probably.
09:13Gonna go crush some weights.
09:14One day you're gonna wish you hit the gym like I do, James Gunn.
09:17Uh, hello?
09:26Is this Baron Thistle's evil base?
09:29Not anymore.
09:30We're packing it in.
09:31Gonna try to sell all this stuff on my girlfriend's Etsy site.
09:36Everyone, listen up.
09:37I'm here to get this place back up and running.
09:40I am the son of Thistle.
09:43He does sort of have the same jacket.
09:45And his head is also a cactus.
09:47That's all the proof I need.
09:48Tell us what to do.
09:50Uh, well, what were y'all doing before Baron Thistle died?
09:54Oh, uh, you know, doomsday plan.
09:56We were gonna melt the ice caps.
09:58Spent months in the blueprints.
09:59Not that your dad ever said thank you.
10:01What's your name?
10:02Samantha.
10:03It sucks when your boss never says thank you, Samantha.
10:06But under me, everyone will feel appreciated.
10:10Samantha, I am putting you in charge of Operation Complete and Total Polar Cap Destruction.
10:17Oh, thank you, sir.
10:19I've been feeling so low lately.
10:21I think it's because my mom forgot my birthday.
10:23Samantha, that will never happen again.
10:26I'm your mom now.
10:28Now let's melt some ice caps!
10:30See, my son-of-thistle idea did work.
10:37Son of a bitch did it.
10:39He made a movie machine.
10:40Says it right on the side.
10:49Hello?
10:50Hi there.
10:51It's me, your wife.
10:54Here's your prison food, new guy.
10:56What you in for?
10:57The fastest crime I could commit.
10:58Any of you see an annoying little bitch of a Christmas tree?
11:03Oh, please.
11:05Oh, please don't beat me.
11:07I won't.
11:08I'm here to rescue you.
11:09I'm not worth rescuing.
11:11Huh?
11:11I suck.
11:12I say dumb catchphrases.
11:14I look like a toy designed for kids.
11:18I'm a fucking idiot.
11:21Wow.
11:21More self-aware than I thought.
11:22But come on.
11:23Everyone sucks until they don't.
11:25That's the arc of every good story.
11:26It is?
11:27Here's the plan.
11:28I'll start a riot and we sneak out.
11:30I know you're not a fighter, but...
11:31When do we start?
11:33Oh, uh, right now.
11:35Good.
11:37Take that back, asshole!
11:41I'll take it back when I stop fucking your mother!
11:46Saves of punching for the rest of us!
11:50Lunch is ruined!
11:51Woo!
11:52Woo!
11:52Ah!
11:53Ah!
11:53Ah!
11:54Ah!
11:54Ah!
11:55Ah!
11:55Ah!
11:56Ah!
11:56Ah!
11:57Ah!
11:57Ah!
11:58Ah!
11:58Ah!
11:59Ah!
11:59Ah!
12:00Ah!
12:00Whoa, he's cool.
12:01Oh!
12:02Get your fucking rear in gear!
12:04Ah!
12:04Ah!
12:05Ah!
12:05I really miss you!
12:06I miss you!
12:07I miss my hobby!
12:08Why don't you come into the kitchen?
12:10Sure!
12:11But why are you calling from a different phone number?
12:13Oh!
12:14It's a burner phone for spam calls!
12:16C-come into the kitchen for some lemonade!
12:19Oh, wow!
12:20Can't pass up lemonade!
12:22Ah!
12:23Ah!
12:24Ah!
12:25Ah!
12:26Ah!
12:27Ah!
12:28Ah!
12:29Ah!
12:30Ah!
12:31Ah!
12:32Ah!
12:33Ah!
12:34Ah!
12:35Ah!
12:36Ah!
12:37Goddammit!
12:38We're stuck!
12:39No, we're not, Rick!
12:42Grab my stump!
12:44Yeah!
12:45Ah!
12:46Ah!
12:47Ah!
12:48Ah!
12:49Ah!
12:50Oh!
12:51Holy shit!
12:52That...
12:53was awesome!
12:56And so is that!
12:57Woo-hoo!
12:58God, well done!
12:59Thank the squirrels, you're safe!
13:00Thank Rick Sanchez!
13:02He did everything!
13:03You did a lot, too!
13:05Definitely more than I expected!
13:06Rick, I wanna thank you for rescuing me!
13:10Ah!
13:11Here!
13:12I want you to have this!
13:13It's a piece of me!
13:15Oh, uh, thanks!
13:16Is this, like, one of your balls?
13:18Robo-trees!
13:19Something messed up is going viral all over Twit Talk!
13:22Uh, hello, Earth!
13:24I'm the son of Thistle!
13:25And I'm just like my dad, so I'm a doomsdayin'.
13:28Samantha, tell the people what we're gonna do!
13:31We're gonna wipe out the polar ice caps,
13:33cause they suuuuck!
13:36Huh.
13:37Does the movie-lizer still think we're on track?
13:40Jerry?
13:41Jerry?
13:42Jerry!
13:43It's fuckin' heavy!
13:47Should've listened to Snyder.
13:55Right on cue!
13:56Weeds!
13:57Attack!
14:00Robo-trees!
14:01Let's stop that prick!
14:03Whoa!
14:04Whoa!
14:05Whoa!
14:06Shit!
14:15Where the hell is Tannenbaum?
14:22Dude, where is he?
14:23On the ship.
14:24Turns out Tannenbaum's an alright guy.
14:25He's kinda my favorite character now.
14:27What?
14:28Look at me!
14:29I'm a fuckin' cactus!
14:30Relax!
14:31Trust the process!
14:32Oh my god!
14:33You're re-breaking the story again?!
14:34I wanna go home!
14:36And I didn't even think the last maximum velocity was all that bad!
14:39You said it wasn't Citizen Kane!
14:42I'm 14!
14:43I've never seen Citizen Kane!
14:44Now listen to me, you stupid old man!
14:47You're gonna bring Tannenbaum here,
14:49and I'm gonna shoot him in the goddamn head,
14:51just like we planned!
14:53Okay, okay!
14:54I'll help you kill him!
14:56Uh...
14:57You're gonna do what?
14:58Mom?
14:59You're in cahoots with the robo-trees?
15:01Samantha!
15:02Let me explain!
15:03Okay, go ahead.
15:04Shit!
15:05She called my bluff!
15:06Run!
15:07Get down!
15:12Dad!
15:13Help!
15:14Your dad's not fucking answering!
15:15That's because he's in the kitchen,
15:16talking to his wife.
15:18James Gunn!
15:19James Gunn!
15:20That's right!
15:21James Gunn?
15:22Just walk away, man.
15:23Walk away.
15:24But I read that dinosaur book you wrote, Jerry.
15:26Really good stuff.
15:27You did?
15:28Well, I got the gist.
15:29Maybe we could do business together.
15:30Two picture deal.
15:31Um...
15:32Dad, no!
15:33Don't do it!
15:34We need you!
15:35That's it, Jerry.
15:36Given to Hollywood.
15:37You know how to really succeed in this town?
15:39By turning your back on family.
15:42I don't like that.
15:44No!
15:45You could have had it all!
15:47Guys, I'm back.
15:48Jeez, Louise, what did you do?
15:50The story's gone linear.
15:51We pissed off the good guys and the bad guys.
15:54Rick likes Tannenbaum now.
15:55I just think he's interesting.
15:56We need a new ending.
15:57I literally wrote us into a corner.
15:59You gotta write us out of here, Jerry.
16:01Me?
16:02You said I was a terrible writer who should never, ever, ever, ever, ever...
16:04I didn't say that many evers.
16:06Listen, Jerry.
16:07Any idiot can plug an idea into a machine when they don't care what it spits back out.
16:11But it takes a special kind of idiot to get on the keys and write us an ending.
16:14You're that idiot.
16:15But how?
16:16It's always been right in front of you.
16:18Go over to my work bench.
16:20Uh, alright.
16:21I'm there.
16:22Open the third drawer on the right and reach way back.
16:24There should be a small orange bottle.
16:26What is it?
16:27Some sci-fi device?
16:28Better.
16:29It's magic.
16:31Don't take more than two.
16:32Drink lots of water and remember to blink.
16:36I now pronounce you two both guilty and dead.
16:40Oh, jeez!
16:41Dad, help!
16:42Then, as fate would have it, a very large air vent open beneath it.
16:47Our heroes escape execution via the large vented air vent.
16:50As fate would have it, this is a direct path to the outside.
16:52Slam cut to exterior New York day.
16:56New York?
16:57Why are we in New York?
16:58Stop micromanaging me!
17:00Then, as fate would have it, a high-octane Lamborghini pulls up.
17:03Oopsie!
17:04Forgot how to drive.
17:05Here, kid.
17:06Catch.
17:07The Adderall is hit.
17:08Get the car!
17:12Arrow!
17:14What?
17:15Oh!
17:17No!
17:18No!
17:20No, no!
17:21No!
17:22No!
17:23No!
17:25Oh!
17:26Ah!
17:27No!
17:28Oh!
17:29No!
17:30No!
17:31No!
17:32Okay, Jared, now get us to the climax.
17:40Uh, nerf hole.
17:43That's where Samantha built a super weapon.
17:45Dad's trying to get us back on course.
17:47Hang on.
17:51Yes, we've got curvature.
18:00Guessing that's your doomsday weapon.
18:02We're nearing the end of the movie.
18:03Damn, Samantha built it fast.
18:05I guess supporting those...
18:06Here they come!
18:07We have 1.63 minutes before the melting polar ice caps reach the point of no resolution.
18:12We have 1.63 minutes before the melting polar ice caps reach the point of no return.
18:37We got company!
18:39Stop that traitor!
18:41Shit, Norty.
18:41I think I figured out the best ending yet.
18:44Hello, mother.
18:46You deal with that.
18:47I don't know what that's about.
18:48Come and get me, trees!
18:50Samantha, hey, beautiful job on the weapon thing.
18:54I thought you actually liked my evil plan.
18:56But let's face it, you're no mother.
18:59You're just a bad guy.
19:01Step away from that super weapon.
19:04Let's blast him!
19:05For once, I agree with you.
19:07Stop!
19:08Stop!
19:09Don't shoot!
19:10He's a good man.
19:12He saved me.
19:14No, I'm bad!
19:15I only rescued you so I could have you killed.
19:18I hate you, Tannenbaum!
19:20You look like a toy!
19:22Die already!
19:23Gun!
19:26See you next summer.
19:29Wait!
19:30No!
19:30You saved the world from another unarmed man.
19:46Oh, no.
19:47They died?
19:49Sometimes saving the world requires complex decisions.
19:53Decisions made by a true leader.
19:58Hail Tannen Knight!
19:59Leader of the Robo-Trees!
20:03They did it!
20:04What an ending!
20:06They outdone the gun!
20:12We're back!
20:13Oh, my God!
20:14We were dead in the movie!
20:15Actually dead!
20:16Wow, dead!
20:17Looks like us dying really affected you.
20:20No, he just forgot to blink.
20:21Still, I admit it.
20:22Making movies is hard.
20:24From now on, I'm just going to be an impossible-to-please fan.
20:26You said it!
20:27Let's go troll some comment sections.
20:29Oh, God.
20:30Where did James Gunn go?
20:31Fuck James Gunn!
20:32Where's the goddamn hard drive?
20:34I'm telling you, Mr. Brothers.
20:36They cracked the code.
20:38This won't just put butts in seats and sell popcorn.
20:41It will give people hope.
20:43It could save Hollywood.
20:44It could change everything.
20:45Nice work, Mr. Gunn.
20:48Give the man a sundae.
20:50Oh, I love sundaes.
20:51Why was it called a sundae?
21:04It's a maximum velocity.
21:09Robotic trees against adversity.
21:12It's not rocket science or geometry.
21:14So sit on back and watch the movie.
21:16Five trees against a cactus, man.
21:18Next summer we'll be back again.
21:20Gotta fill our content demand.
21:22If domestic tanks, there's always Japan.
21:24All we need is friendship and sunshine.
21:26Joking on a wild find.
21:27No one stops us growing from the ground up.
21:29Baron Thistle and his henchweeds.
21:31Looking like some bad seeds.
21:32Now velocities are gonna round up.
21:34They have a tendency to fight tyrannic succulents.
21:36They have a tendency for kicking plant S.
21:38It's a maximum velocity.
21:39Okay, Jerry, all set.
21:42But for the record,
21:43I do not condone using the movie-lyzer in this way.
21:45Hear that, Dad?
21:46You're good to go.
21:47Can't believe I'm actually inside Space Jam 7.
21:50Oh, hey, LeBron.
21:52Still doing this, huh?
21:53Let's get out of here.
21:56Hey, guys.
21:57You know how I've been writing raptor porn on the side?
21:59I'm ready to share it with the world.
22:03Oh, well, guess I'll just leave it on this machine
22:05until they come back.
22:06Guys, you still there?
22:10Oh, no.
22:11Dear God, what is that?
22:14Oh, stop!
22:15Let go of me!
22:16What are you doing?
22:17Stop!
22:18Don't just stand there, Speedy Gonzales.
22:20Do something!
22:21Oh, my God!
22:23Did you get any of that?
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