How "Toxic" Discourse Can Do More Harm Than Good

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00:00Is it time to retire the word toxic?

00:02I just don't get a good feeling from that word anymore.

00:04Mmm, no, I-

00:05It's like, I want to replace that word with just, like, unhealthy.

00:07You don't have to look far online these days to find

00:10hordes of advice telling you how to cut toxic people out of your life.

00:14It's a Marie Kondo approach to socializing.

00:16Do these people spark joy?

00:17Have they outlasted their use?

00:19Lose them.

00:20But the problem is that this oversimplified advice is very black and white,

00:24and at its worst conflates behavior that you may personally find annoying

00:28with genuine abuse.

00:29It also assumes all relational problems are a one-way street

00:33and doesn't allow for any self-examination.

00:36Am I so out of touch?

00:39No, it's the children who are wrong.

00:41The Atlantic's Caitlin Tiffany, a critic of the practice of

00:44only keeping what relationships serve you and discarding the rest, says,

00:47The message, implied if not always stated outright,

00:49is that other people are simply not my problem.

00:52The word toxic itself has become a buzzword

00:55that's even become an integral part of our channel's vernacular.

00:58But it's beginning to feel like the word is losing its meaning.

01:01Toxic relationship, toxic friendship, toxic work culture, toxic masculinity.

01:07If everything is toxic, then nothing is.

01:10Here's our take on why we need to stop labeling things we just disagree with as toxic,

01:15and why instead of swiftly cutting people out, we should stop to reflect and engage more.

01:23So when did everything become so toxic?

01:26In 2018, the Oxford Dictionary chose toxic as its word of the year.

01:30And at the time, it was toxic masculinity that was in the spotlight.

01:34While the term has been around since the 1980s, it became a mainstream phrase that hasn't left our

01:39vernacular in the mid to late 2010s. The hashtag MeToo movement was at its peak.

01:44Donald Trump, the epitome of the catch-all phrase, ran on and won the presidency with a tough guy bully act.

01:51And when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.

01:54Which also led to Brett Kavanaugh's nomination to the Supreme Court.

01:58The allegations about his sexual assault of Christine Blasey Ford brought to a focus a

02:02culture that defines manhood as being violent and aggressive. There was an explosion of incel

02:07forums online, men who, instead of addressing their own psychological woes from being sexually

02:11rejected, turned to violence against women. Calling out these incredibly harmful manifestations of toxic

02:17masculinity like sexual harassment and domestic violence was, and is, vital. But critics view it

02:23as an all-out attack on men, leaving no room for the good parts of manhood. And the crusade against

02:29toxic masculinity, like so many things that get the labeled toxic has, over time, fall into

02:35oversimplification. While, as a culture, we were quick to label things toxically masculine without

02:40offering many solutions, and we've overlooked the cultural and political conditions for men that

02:45have sustained the problem. We got another toxic dude on our hands!

02:48The same could be said of our one-sided view of toxic relationships. It turns away from the moments of

02:54tension instead of trying to navigate through them. Therapists describe this aspect of relationships as

02:59rupture and repair. The idea that if two people hit a brick wall together, they should try and work

03:04through it together, making that relationship stronger in the process.

03:07I'm willing to admit this over dinner tonight, while we iron out all of our differences and move past

03:15this. I could do that.

03:17We see this concept explored in The Bear, Carmi who's gotten the advice to do the polar opposite of

03:23rupture and repair, is trying to navigate a chaotic new environment that is undeniably toxic.

03:34He's constantly arguing with his family, his chefs don't respect him, he's having nightmares of work

03:39as hell. But instead of taking the easy way out by selling the restaurant to his uncle, he slowly

03:44attempts to mend these relationships, hoping it will mend the business at the same time. It's not a simple

03:50process. In fact, it's pretty painful at times. But ultimately, it brings everyone closer together.

03:56I just want things to be calm. I just want things to be on solid ground. I want things to feel…

04:02Consistent?

04:03Yeah, consistent.

04:05That's totally reasonable.

04:06Conflict is a natural, healthy part of life. We just need to learn how to overcome it while staying

04:12connected.

04:16One explanation for this inclination to cut toxic people out cold turkey is that we've

04:20become accustomed to modeling that behavior online. We can easily block and move on when

04:25we don't like what someone says. And this may be an important tool for safety and well-being online,

04:30but if we bring that into real life, it could seriously harm our ability to connect.

04:35You are so toxic.

04:36It feels like we're still navigating the issue of having dual citizenship in the real world and on the

04:41internet. It's undeniable that people act differently online. In fact, the so-called

04:46disinhibition effect can encourage people to act meaner online than they would in real life.

04:51Ironically, researchers call this toxic disinhibition. There's a depersonalization

04:56that happens online too, with ourselves reduced to avatars and words on a page,

05:00so it sometimes does feel like you're not really interacting with a person.

05:04Coupled with the fact that, as Black Mirror creator Charlie Brooker once described,

05:08social media is gamified.

05:10It's a role-playing game where you're playing a heightened version of yourself

05:14in order to get points. It's a computer game.

05:16And so our communication online isn't designed to connect with other people,

05:19but instead to gain attention. To win the game.

05:22This game has become a toxic rhetoric machine. As soon as something starts to become popular,

05:27usually at someone else's expense, everyone jumps on it. Because that's where the likes,

05:33retweets, and comments come from.

05:35The toxic discourse has tons of overlap with cancel culture,

05:38which started as the concept of holding our public figures accountable

05:41for harmful behavior, but has morphed into the idea that we have an obligation

05:45to cancel everyone or everything that causes us discomfort.

05:49That's over. It's canceled.

05:50It also feeds into a very binary black and white view of the world

05:53that is well modeled by social media. Follow or unfollow.

05:56Friend or unfriend. Block or move on.

05:59The problem is that now, data shows that the average internet user spends more than

06:0340% of their day online. And so this internet language and internet behavior

06:08is creeping into the real world.

06:10You ever been blocked? It drives you crazy.

06:13Once they hit that button, that's it. You're locked out. End of conversation.

06:16Dr. Anna Lemke argues that this addiction we have to the smartphones and instant gratification

06:22means we're losing our capacity to delay gratification, solve problems,

06:26and deal with frustration and pain in its many different forms.

06:29Apply this to relationships, and we see how easily labeling something as toxic

06:34gives us an excuse to disengage with zero responsibility.

06:38And that the internet will actually validate us for it.

06:41So while social media is supposed to be bringing people together,

06:44actually it's driving us apart.

06:50We're in the midst of a loneliness epidemic.

06:52A 2021 study revealed that Americans had fewer friends than ever before,

06:57with nearly half reporting having only three or fewer close friends.

07:01And post-COVID, society is rapidly losing spaces that are conductive to relationship building.

07:06So-called third spaces, ones that are neither home nor work,

07:10were off limits for much of the pandemic.

07:12And research shows that these places are essential for social cohesion and building community.

07:18These are places where people can exchange ideas,

07:21have a good time, and build relationships.

07:23The pandemic forced us all to radically reframe our social lives.

07:27Friendships were scaled back, and relationships of all kinds that were

07:31already vulnerable or distant were trimmed off.

07:34During the two or so years shuttered inside, people took stock of what relationships were

07:38really serving them or worthy of reconnection once they got out.

07:42So our propensity to cut people out of our lives was only reinforced in the past few years.

07:47I can't believe you tried to cut me out.

07:49Why, Phoebe, why?

07:50It was right after we were living together, and you were driving me crazy.

07:55A study from 2022 found significant declines in extroversion,

07:58openness, agreeableness, and conscientiousness in 2021-2022,

08:03compared with before the pandemic.

08:04And this toxic rhetoric has expanded beyond relationships and masculinity

08:08toward a more all-encompassing mantra on how to live our lives.

08:13There is advice on how to spot a toxic social media account,

08:16how to survive a toxic co-worker, and how to recognize

08:18and call out a toxic work environment.

08:20This is your f***ing fault, my man, because you don't turn up on time,

08:24you don't do the orders, you don't do the prep, you don't give a f*** about us!

08:28Some of this is helpful, because it allows us to draw boundaries and acknowledge bad practice,

08:33but it's not a one-size-fits-all strategy.

08:36Sometimes there's value in not only navigating these environments and relationships,

08:40but also striving to improve them.

08:42We could argue that the work environment at Abbott Elementary is a toxic one.

08:46It's underfunded, the staff are underappreciated, and Principal Ava

08:50is more interested in her own success than the success of the school.

08:54But rather than quitting, Janine's passion for the greater good,

08:57and the impact the school could have, begins to filter through.

09:00The team begins to come together to create a better environment for everyone,

09:04most importantly for their students.

09:07I won't quit, I love this job.

09:09There may be times when it is better to cut someone out of your life,

09:12but an absolutist approach that divides people into toxic and non-toxic

09:17ignores how complex people and relationships are the majority of the time.

09:21Please forgive me, Jen.

09:25Please.

09:28I had no idea that I was gonna love you so much.

09:32Being self-righteous in this way steers us away from seeing nuance

09:36and using compassion and understanding.

09:38By ridding ourselves of anything the moment it becomes toxic,

09:42we're not only leaving zero room for what it means to be human,

09:45we lose the opportunity to repair relationships,

09:48which often gives us a chance to rebuild stronger ones.

09:51We can still be firm in deciding what we want from our lives,

09:54and who we want to spend our lives with,

09:56but if we take a minute before hitting that proverbial block button,

10:00we may find that we're more open to change than we might have thought.

10:03I'm sorry, you know, you're, uh, you're right.

10:07I want to know how you're feeling.

10:09How are you feeling?

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