Sometimes you’re born into an awesome family, but for many of us getting that loving family we dream of means going out and finding it. So, from Friends to Our Flag Means Death to Buffy to...
00:00Sometimes you're born into an awesome family, but for many of us, getting that loving family we dream of means going out and finding it.
00:07While they were long seen as secondary to blood ties, the truth is that the bonds of chosen family can be the tightest and most important there are.
00:15My friends are the most important thing in my life.
00:17More than just providing safety and love, found families are incredibly vital because they're not an obligation, but a choice.
00:24Everyone involved making the choice to be there for each other, to continue to grow those bonds.
00:29So, how have families of choice become such a major part of our lives and our favorite stories on screen?
00:34And what do they tell us about what really matters in relationships?
00:37Let's take a deeper look.
00:39While the common ideal of a nuclear family presents a picture-perfect front of togetherness and love, the realities of biological families can vary widely.
00:48Mom, please don't do this.
00:51And there are a number of different reasons that one might begin to feel the need to seek out the feeling of family elsewhere.
00:57It could be small things, like just wanting to expand your horizons and form a community with people that aren't just like your family.
01:03You know, I think we did pretty good in there, man.
01:06And I told you, we make a good team. I'm the brains, you're the brawn.
01:09This can particularly be the case for solo kids, as we discussed more in-depth in our video on Only Child Syndrome.
01:14Do you see her anywhere?
01:16You're not gonna.
01:17Unless you make an appointment with her assistant or hang around her bedroom door at 3 o'clock in the morning.
01:22Because they're the only person in their family their age, except for maybe some cousins if they're lucky,
01:28they can be driven to go out and find that kind of peer-level camaraderie and care.
01:32Or it can be the result of larger issues, like to escape the grasp of a family that's attempting to push you down a path that you've come to realize you don't want.
01:40Or the result of feeling alone or left behind thanks to your nuclear family being split or pulled apart.
01:46Chandler, dear, just because your father and I are getting a divorce doesn't mean we don't love you.
01:52And, of course, there's the most unfortunate but very real impetus behind many found families,
01:57being harmed by or even forced out of one's biological family, an issue we'll dig into more in a moment.
02:03Being surrounded by people who care for you is so key to a happy and fulfilling life,
02:07but finding and keeping friendships can be incredibly difficult.
02:10Nice work, Al. You're the Michael Jordan of destroying friendships.
02:14And for many people, the issues within their nuclear families that led to them seeking out deeper connections elsewhere
02:20actually damaged their ability to do so, which can lead to a continual cycle of blowing up friendships.
02:26When you have to build up walls to protect yourself, it can be very difficult to ever let them down.
02:31You're really mean.
02:32Put it in a letter, Jane Austen!
02:34This can lead both to lashing out at others and refusing to even try to make connections because you feel like there's no point.
02:40I can't keep it together. I piss people off.
02:44I don't have any friends, real friends. I'll probably get kicked out of Barton too, and when I do, it'll be my own fault.
02:48But even when we might feel like all hope is lost, we can still find our way to a chosen family that loves us.
02:54I've been a failure my whole life.
02:57That's not so bad once you get used to it.
02:59Things have a way of working out. At least for me.
03:02On Friends, we can see how different issues with family, and lack thereof, can lead to issues forming relationships in adulthood,
03:09but also how they can lead to a desire to really do the work to build up and keep a found family once you find the people that you mesh with.
03:16Phoebe was orphaned and had a notoriously difficult childhood.
03:19My mom had killed herself, and my dad had run off, and I was living in a gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.
03:25But this didn't lead to her becoming jaded or pushing everyone away. Just the opposite, in fact.
03:30She cares about her friends more than anything, and is willing to do whatever it takes to keep their relationship strong.
03:36Chandler, on the other hand, definitely did have his sense of self and ability to connect with others negatively altered by his childhood.
03:42Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same.
03:46Bittertown?
03:48Aloneville?
03:49Hermit Junction?
03:50But his friends are always there for him anyways, even when he's being very Chandler.
03:55Because they're more than just friends, they're true family.
03:59Finding your people can feel like a major struggle, but it's worth the battle.
04:03You get to find me, babe.
04:04Your found family might not end up looking how you might have imagined it.
04:08Your conception of who you are and the reality of who you mesh with and who really cares about you might not always align at first.
04:14You can't even dream a whole dream, can you?
04:17But that's the great thing about found families.
04:19Their foundation is built on accepting one another as you are.
04:23So even if you are incredibly different from each other, that doesn't have to be a roadblock.
04:27Instead, it just means that you all have your own different place you fit into the family.
04:31All coming together to create a unique and unbreakable blend.
04:35Get over here, Zuko.
04:37Being part of the group also means being part of group hugs.
04:40Finding your people means not only accepting them as they are, but you and your true self too.
04:46You know what that is?
04:48It's gross.
04:49A key part of found families is that they're an active choice everyone involved is making.
04:54Not an obligation born out of birth or contracts, but a choice everyone makes every day to wake up and be there for each other.
05:01Pick up your pom-poms, Pierce.
05:02Stuff your bra and get ready for the team bus to forget you at a Taco Bell because life is tough.
05:08But we soldier on.
05:09The pressure of biological family can lead to you staying tethered to people no matter how cruel or hurtful they might be,
05:15or how much they might hold you back from your dreams.
05:17But families of choice aren't about being bound by the worst aspects of destiny,
05:22but instead becoming the master of your own fate.
05:24We should really learn how to play the real way.
05:26That doesn't mean that everything will always be perfect, and that you'll always get along,
05:36but instead, just that you're willing to meet each other where you're at and work on growing together.
05:41She might be a dick.
05:43But she's my dick.
05:45Actually, she's our dick.
05:49Found families can be especially critical for LGBTQ plus people,
05:53who aren't always accepted for who they are by their families of origin,
05:56and who can even be kicked out or forced to run away for their own safety.
06:00Who the hell are you?
06:02We're family.
06:06According to the New York State Office of Children and Family Services,
06:09research has shown that while only 4.5% of the general population identified as LGBTQ,
06:15as many as 40% of the homeless youth population identify as LGBTQ.
06:19Found families then become an incredibly vital avenue towards safety, security, and happiness.
06:25What if it's not a dare?
06:27What if life just begins again?
06:31Our flag means death gives a simultaneously touching and hilarious window
06:36into how finding your people can truly change your conception of yourself and your entire life for the better.
06:41A ragtag group of misfit pirates,
06:44they initially don't seem like they'd be able to become a successful team.
06:47But, deep down, they're all looking for somewhere they can finally fit in.
06:52A place to call home.
06:53And so, they're able to work past any differences
06:55to begin building a family where they can feel secure and cared for,
06:59and sometimes even fall in love.
07:01If someone returns from the raid mentally devastated,
07:04we talk it through as a crew.
07:07Because that's what we do here on The Revenge.
07:10Chosen families work together to afford a tight bond
07:13that can survive the ups and downs of life.
07:15They avoid many of the negative power dynamics that can be inherent within biological families,
07:20which can lead to some family members feeling constrained or less important,
07:24while others are elevated above the rest.
07:26I'm a gemstone too, Jessie.
07:28I want to do things too.
07:29Why does daddy always overlook me, huh?
07:31Come on, don't get your panties in a bunch, sis.
07:33Found families level the playing field.
07:35Everyone is there of their own free will,
07:37and in agreement to accept everyone else how they are.
07:40This doesn't mean that there's no personal growth,
07:42just the opposite, in fact.
07:44Because chosen families accept each member for their true selves,
07:47that also means they're able to help push each other
07:49to evolve into the best version of them they can be.
07:51I don't think I've ever had a real family Christmas like this before.
07:54Thank you, Mary.
07:56You're welcome.
07:57They're able to challenge each other in a positive way
08:00that helps foster that growth.
08:02You're a damn fine pirate.
08:04Anything in particular you like about my skillset?
08:06Let's not do this.
08:07She said enough, take the compliment with grace.
08:09And because it's clear that everyone is coming from a place of love,
08:12they're all able to be honest with one another.
08:15We got into it, and he called me inconsistent.
08:18What?
08:19Oh, you're crazy.
08:21Crazy.
08:22Wow, really?
08:23While that kind of openness and lack of walls
08:25can sometimes be scary within a biological family,
08:28having to wonder if sharing too much of yourself
08:30will change the dynamic in a way that harms you,
08:32fearing that being too you could lead to negative consequences
08:35within your found family
08:36is the one place you can always feel able to open up
08:39and share even your darkest secret.
08:41We're sisters.
08:42You're my family.
08:43What is you is me.
08:44There's nothing that you could ever say to make me let go.
08:47They can sometimes know you even better than you know yourself,
08:50and they're also not afraid to use that
08:52to push you towards the growth you might be afraid of.
08:54And you know what?
08:55You could really benefit from learning how to stand up for yourself.
08:58Oh, Penny, what did they do to your car?
09:02Could I get two back?
09:02Sure.
09:03And even when disagreements occur and things feel fraught,
09:06one of the most important parts of a found family
09:08is knowing that you'll always have a place with each other.
09:11Fights can totally happen,
09:12but they don't have to spell the end of the relationship
09:15or become a catastrophic event
09:16in the way they can sometimes feel in insecure relationship structures.
09:20Chosen families know that no one is perfect,
09:22and so are open to working together on overcoming any obstacle.
09:26You know when I said that I want you to deal with this relationship stuff all on your own?
09:32Well, you're not ready for that.
09:34I didn't think I was.
09:35It can take a long time to find and build up a found family.
09:39While you're born into your biological family,
09:41finding your true one can sometimes take a lot of work.
09:44Keep your head up.
09:45All right.
09:47You can do this.
09:49Yeah, I was gonna tell you the same thing.
09:50Whether we have wonderful families
09:52and just enjoy building a strong community outside of that structure as well,
09:55or the families we go out and create for ourselves
09:58are the most important things in our lives,
10:00found families serve an incredibly important purpose for all of us.
10:04Even if it takes us a while to find each other,
10:06it's worth the journey in the end.
10:08The square root of love is love.
10:10The root of Christian...
10:12That's the take.
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