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BRITCOM I
  • 2 days ago

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00:00What the fuck are you doing?
00:11This building is cock.
00:13It's fucking freezing.
00:14It's freezing.
00:15When did it get like this?
00:16Midsummer, that thing is blazing away.
00:18I can't breathe in here.
00:19As soon as it gets like this, there's nothing.
00:21Nothing coming out.
00:22That fucker either.
00:23It is bad.
00:24Why don't you know when it got cold?
00:26I've been in a fucking weed bunker for five days.
00:28Making a living, damn it.
00:29Five days?
00:30Yeah.
00:31Where were you shitting?
00:32Never mind where I'm shitting.
00:34I've come for a renewal on me fucking medicine.
00:36I've been with that now for a few days.
00:38Laughter, that's what you need.
00:39That's the best medicine, Vincent.
00:40Laughter.
00:41I agree.
00:42But I need to be around people that don't get on me tits.
00:44No, no.
00:45I've got a good one for you.
00:46Oh.
00:47Ready?
00:48Yeah.
00:49Irish lesbian goes to the doctor.
00:50It's already inappropriate.
00:51Why?
00:52Just come on.
00:53The only people you can take the piss out of now are people like me.
00:56What?
00:57Fucking posh cunts with fat red heads.
00:59Laughter.
01:00Middle class female athlete goes to the doctor.
01:03She says, doctor, doctor, I'm very worried.
01:05I think I'm growing a penis.
01:06Oh.
01:07I think it's the steroids.
01:08Doctor says, anabolic.
01:09She goes, no, just the penis.
01:11Laughter.
01:12See?
01:13Fuck.
01:14You see?
01:15That's all you need.
01:16You don't need pills.
01:17It's still outrageous.
01:18Listen, hurry up, dude.
01:19Put a prescription on there, will you?
01:20I've got to go and arrange a truce meeting between two fucking lunatics.
01:26I'm telling you now, Vincent, I am not meeting him at anywhere of his choosing.
01:33I do not trust that man if you can call him a man.
01:36Any venue e-picks is likely to be some sort of trap.
01:38Listen, I get it.
01:39I hear what you're saying.
01:40But after an extensive chat via the medium of fucking text, he's just not happy meeting anywhere of your choosing.
01:46Oh, the mucky fuck are we meant to block our truce if we can't agree on a fucking location.
01:50Do you know what I mean?
01:51Call him up.
01:52Tell him that the only agreeable option is a neutral destination chosen by a third party.
01:56What third party?
01:57What third party?
01:58Do you know?
01:59Sorry.
02:00It's cold weather out.
02:01Hmm?
02:02We'll go for a carvery.
02:03Everybody loves a carvery.
02:05Somewhere convivial.
02:06Exposed beams, open fires.
02:08Hmm?
02:09And if he agrees in principle, then we will choose a destination randomly selected from the internet.
02:15Do you like carvery?
02:16Mm-hmm.
02:17I'm particularly partial to roasted parsnip.
02:19But not everywhere does them, do they?
02:20No, what's your pudding?
02:21Pigs and blankets.
02:22Onion gravy.
02:23Oof.
02:24It's the shiz.
02:25Reminds me of me dad, you know.
02:27Carvery.
02:28After me mum fucked off.
02:29That's sweet.
02:30Used to make me go down to the wheat sheaf, steal as much as I could.
02:33We'd sit on the church steps and eat it.
02:35Hmm.
02:36Bonding.
02:37My dad used to whack me with the buckle end of the belt.
02:40Call me a fairy cake boy.
02:42He loved a carvery.
02:45I'll ring kittens.
02:47Right!
02:48Thank fuck we've got a menu, eh?
02:50Where is it to be then?
02:51It's, uh, Harryman.
02:52Up Rampton Way.
02:53It's a bit high in the hills, especially in this weather, but apparently there's a very good carvery.
02:57Sorry, who the fuck is Joey Kittens?
03:00And why has Davey got beef with him?
03:02Long.
03:03It's long enough.
03:04Shall I just...
03:05In a nutshell.
03:06Go.
03:07Alright.
03:08In a nutshell.
03:09A vacuum was created by the entire death of a local gangsta.
03:13The one who we initially fell foul off by stealing his daughter's shell and pony.
03:16Isn't that right, Ashley?
03:17Yeah.
03:18What the fuck?
03:19Concussion.
03:21Good times.
03:22We started selling and growing weed on his behalf and then ultimately turned against him and incarcerated him.
03:28By planting the severed head of a disgruntled employee into his wardrobe.
03:34Oh, well, well.
03:35My sister.
03:36As one does.
03:37Yeah.
03:38Then, into this void stepped two men.
03:40One Joseph Kittens and one David McDonagh, who entered into a fierce territorial dispute.
03:45One which, I dare say, will not end harmoniously.
03:50Very well done.
03:51Thank you very much.
03:52Just a little bit in a nutshell.
03:53You know what I mean?
03:54In a nutshell.
03:55Carvery, man.
03:56I bloody love a carvery.
03:57You smell a gravy, don't you, Geoff?
03:58Listen.
03:59The main thing is, we've found a bloody location where David McDonagh and Joseph the Kittens are
04:04gonna fucking meet, finally.
04:05Christ.
04:06Carvery.
04:07Of course I like a carvery.
04:09Who doesn't like a carvery?
04:11Apple sauce, butter spuds.
04:13Roasties.
04:14Spaghetti.
04:15Yeah.
04:16No.
04:17That's not in there.
04:18When are you going?
04:19Tomorrow, 2pm.
04:20Great.
04:21Late lunch.
04:22A few cheeky Guinness.
04:23Oh, Guinness.
04:24Happy days.
04:25Count me in.
04:26No.
04:27You're not invited, Michael.
04:28You fucking jovial toad.
04:29We are.
04:30It's me who's angling for an invite.
04:31You don't want to fucking go in either.
04:32No, no, no.
04:33If anyone's going, it's me going.
04:34Sure, I was reared on a carvery.
04:35And blended down into a baby's bottle and I would just suck it on her.
04:37Why would you do that?
04:38It's full of nutrition.
04:39Shut up.
04:40Stop making fucking words a lot of you.
04:41You're not invited.
04:42This is a truce between two violent psychopaths.
04:45Alright?
04:46We're not going in there mob-handed.
04:47You can fuck off.
04:48Dickheads.
04:49You suck.
04:50You suck.
04:51You suck.
04:52You suck.
04:56You suck.
04:57You suck.
04:58You suck.
04:59You suck.
05:00You suck.
05:01You suck.
05:21It's fucking freezing.
05:41Go, go, go, get rid of it.
05:43I tell you what, you fucking better be in there.
05:46Lord God.
05:48My trousers are sulking.
05:51Sorry about that.
06:13He's racist.
06:14That's ironic.
06:15Seeing as the dog's black.
06:16You've got a racist dog.
06:17Don't blame me, sweetheart.
06:19I like dark women.
06:20Yeah, Brianna, Uppy Goldberg.
06:22My fantasy threesome.
06:23All right, then.
06:24Nice to meet you, then.
06:26Yeah, I'm pissed we're through.
06:27I know, but...
06:28I need to get these jeans off.
06:29Can you swap at me?
06:29Fuck no, I ain't swapping with you lunatic.
06:31Swap at me, please.
06:32Do you want to wear my leggings?
06:33What?
06:34Well, I've got leggings on underneath
06:35because it's bloody Baltic out.
06:37I don't mind.
06:37Look, they're lady leggings.
06:39I will not wear it off.
06:40Go and put the fucking leggings on.
06:41All right, lips are blue.
06:42For the sake of the bitch.
06:45Mr. O'Neill.
06:48Oh, my, my, my.
06:50We have brought the full compliment.
06:53Just like the last supper.
06:56But which one of you is Judas Iscariot?
07:01Is the last supper a carvery?
07:05And what's with the entourage?
07:06They wanted a fucking carvery, didn't they?
07:08And well, they might.
07:10Vincent, and well, they might.
07:12Stephen is back there now,
07:13preparing it up to his elbows in potato peel.
07:15Isn't that right, Paula?
07:17And Paula is the standing landlady.
07:19Catherine and Jeremy are away for a few days.
07:22And Venice.
07:23Mm-hmm.
07:23A mini break.
07:24Oh, lovely.
07:25Nice.
07:25Hang on a minute.
07:26Does that mean the carvery's not going to be as good as usual?
07:28No.
07:29Kath and Jez left all the ingredients
07:31and very detailed instructions.
07:33Why Stephen's always in the kitchen?
07:35Mm-hmm.
07:36How is it?
07:40You're on first-name terms with this landlady.
07:43I came early, Vincent.
07:45Steady my nerves.
07:47And Paula and Stephen have been the most confitial hosts.
07:52Well, come on, let's take a seat, everyone.
07:55It'll be fine to pull tables together, won't it, Paula?
07:58Doesn't look like there's going to be a rush on.
08:00Tell yourselves.
08:01Is anyone else having the carvery?
08:03Yeah.
08:03Uh-oh.
08:03No, I won.
08:04Mate please.
08:05Ham and turkey.
08:06Starving.
08:06Hey.
08:07Hey.
08:07That bloke in the corner spitting image of Lionel Litchie.
08:11Oh, my God.
08:11I think it is.
08:12I'm sorry to break it to you, but I think it's highly unlikely
08:14that the American-based Commodore singer
08:16is over there playing dominoes
08:18in the corner of a remote northern public house
08:20in the middle of a fucking snowstorm.
08:22Do you know what I mean?
08:23Maybe he's here for the carvery.
08:24Oh, fuck off, Michael.
08:26What?
08:27Could be.
08:27Hello?
08:30Are they all right?
08:31Yeah, they're fine.
08:32It's just a little tight.
08:33Well, are they just a bit short?
08:36It's not that.
08:37It's not that.
08:39Look, you don't want to know what's in here.
08:41Oh, come on, I can't.
08:43Oh, no, no.
08:45You know, wow.
08:47That is quite something.
08:50I know.
08:50My God, Ash.
08:51I mean, God, I had no idea.
08:53We're going to have to improvise.
08:54I mean, yeah, absolutely, we will.
09:04Let's get some drinks flowing, shall we?
09:07Who wants a wine?
09:09They do a rather delicious French Shiraz.
09:12I'll have a Guinness.
09:12I'll have a vodka slim lime, please.
09:14Oh, I'll have the same.
09:15Right, so, a red, a white,
09:17a pint of lager, a pint of Guinness,
09:18two vodka slim lines.
09:20Magnifique.
09:21Thank you, David.
09:22Thank you, David.
09:23Thanks, David.
09:24Nice one, David.
09:25Weird, weird, weird, weird,
09:27fucking weird.
09:28He's being nicer than normal
09:29like he's on some of the summer.
09:31Maybe he is.
09:31Maybe he's hoofing the chang on the slide.
09:33Could be hoofing it.
09:34Or maybe, you know, maybe he's just buzzed
09:35about potentially brokering a truce
09:37and finally getting after me fucking flat upstairs
09:39above me pub.
09:40Jesus Christ.
09:41Honestly, stinks up there.
09:42Where's Kittens?
09:43He's fucking late now.
09:45Should I ring him?
09:46What do you reckon?
09:46I'll tell you what it'll be.
09:47It'll be a power move, won't it?
09:48He'll come swishing on in
09:49in a pair of very inappropriate heels.
09:52There's no fucking signal anywhere.
09:53I'm going to put some chains on
09:54because it's like a fucking morgue in here.
09:56Where the fuck are you?
09:58Where the fuck are you, Billy?
10:26Where the fuck are you wearing?
10:39I needed some extra coverage.
10:40It's because of your long penis.
10:42Yes.
10:43Oh, my God.
10:44Have you seen the size of that thing?
10:45Not me sick.
10:47Yeah.
10:48It's upsetting.
10:49Don't see you game of darts?
10:50No, I can't love them.
10:53I'm just here for Calvary with some friends.
10:55I believe it's very good.
10:56Oh, it is.
10:57Catherine and Jeremy do a fine, Calvary.
11:00Dump a butter in their greens
11:02and a secret roasties glaze.
11:04Some say they mix the love juices in it.
11:07Right.
11:08You know, it's not like them two to take a holiday.
11:11Jeremy hates flying.
11:13And they only went away a month ago.
11:14Don't sell.
11:15Dorset, I think.
11:17Said they got an Indian summer.
11:19Right.
11:20And then when I was leaving it last night,
11:22I said to Kath, I said,
11:23see you tomorrow, Kath.
11:25Do you know what she said?
11:26No.
11:27See you tomorrow.
11:30Surprise trip.
11:31An anniversary.
11:32Here you go.
11:40Not many in here today.
11:41Yeah, yeah, it's the snow.
11:42We're saying it's going to dump down.
11:44To be honest with you,
11:45I nearly didn't open up today
11:46because I actually had a very discombobulating experience
11:49back at the house.
11:50What happened?
11:51Well, there was a knock at the door, right?
11:53So I opened the door
11:54and there was a man standing there,
11:56face like thunder,
11:57and he says...
11:58Do you live here?
12:00Well, yeah, obviously I live here.
12:02And he says...
12:03I live in the next street.
12:04Our garden's back onto one another.
12:06And I'm not being funny,
12:07but I can see everything that goes on in this house.
12:11So I'm thinking, what am I doing?
12:13You know, my mind's racing
12:14because sometimes I do have a bit of a dance
12:16in the kitchen when I'm pissed,
12:17but usually with my clothes on.
12:19Anyway, then he says...
12:21From my back window, we can see everything
12:23and it needs to stop.
12:25So now I'm in a panic.
12:26I'm like, what have I done?
12:27What needs to stop?
12:28I mean, I do this, like, squirty cream thing sometimes.
12:32But I doubt it's that.
12:33Anyway, then I remember...
12:35I had Climbing Ivy put in over the window
12:38for that very reason,
12:39so I'm amazed you can't see anything at all.
12:42But, um, yeah, come in, come through and have a look.
12:45So I took him through to my garden
12:47and he looked at the Climbing Ivy and he went...
12:50I must be looking into next door.
12:52And off he went,
12:53as if he'd never even made an accusation.
12:56What a nub head.
12:58Yeah.
12:59Peaks the question,
12:59what have next door been up to?
13:01Exactly.
13:02What has got to stop?
13:04What are they doing?
13:05Something you don't like seeing.
13:07Mmm.
13:10I kind of want to know what it is now.
13:12Yeah, me too.
13:13And me.
13:14I was actually thinking of, like,
13:15sitting in their garden and watching them,
13:17but I don't want people thinking I'm like,
13:19wah, wah.
13:19I'll come with it.
13:21Okay.
13:24Davey, love.
13:24Do you not think we should hang on for Joey Kittens?
13:26I'm just thinking maybe...
13:27Maybe he's changed his mind, Vincent.
13:30He could be a very capricious creature,
13:32can Joey Kittens.
13:33Now, come on.
13:34Dig in.
13:36Right, yes.
13:36Now, listen, I don't mean to be rude or anything,
13:38but it does have the distinct whiff
13:39of, um, sort of elderly person's breath.
13:42You know what I mean?
13:42It's a stilton, isn't it?
13:43So I might just pop out and have a cigarette instead.
13:45Right, yeah.
13:47Come on.
13:48Come on.
13:50Come on.
13:52Hello?
13:57I'm in.
14:03Fuck!
14:05Okay, now!
14:06Come on!
14:19Come on!
14:20Oh, my God.
14:50Hello?
15:12Hello?
15:16Hello?
15:20Hello?
15:24Hello?
15:28Hello?
15:30Hello?
15:32Hello?
15:34I'm coming.
15:40I'm coming.
15:42I'm coming.
15:50Oh my fucking god!
15:52Fucking hell!
15:54Oh shit!
15:56Fucking hell mate!
15:58That's a bad wound that is.
16:00I need to get to hospital mate.
16:02Jesus Christ! It's lots of blood!
16:04David.
16:06David.
16:08Right, okay.
16:10I don't know.
16:12Jesus Christ.
16:14Okay.
16:16Lighten yourself, love. Press on that.
16:18Send the bleeding.
16:20I'm going to lift you up a little bit, sweetheart.
16:22Lift yourself up! There we go!
16:24No, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry.
16:26You just...
16:27Right.
16:28I'm going to call an ambulance. I'm going to call...
16:30Not a signal.
16:32Right, just...
16:34Don't move.
16:36Right.
16:41Vinnie.
16:42Hey, did you have a look at the, er...
16:44the Harriman memorabilia room?
16:45Do I fuck?
16:46Trying to get through this liquid sadness, eh?
16:48Vinnie.
16:49Maybe come and have a look at the Harriman memorabilia room.
16:55Oh yeah, no.
16:56I did say, er...
16:57Yeah, I mentioned that I was interested in the history of the...
16:59Dricorn hearts.
17:00Mm-hmm.
17:06What the fuck's wrong with you? What's up?
17:11Hey, what's up?
17:12Upstairs.
17:13In an upstairs room,
17:14Joey Kiddens is lying in a pool of real fucking blood
17:17with his guts hanging out.
17:19In substantial stomach wound.
17:20Fuck me, dude!
17:21Well, hey, is he alive?
17:23For now, yeah.
17:24Meanwhile, David is swallowing about suspiciously, upbeat,
17:27saying to everyone that Joey hasn't arrived yet,
17:29well, upstairs there's a fucking blood bar!
17:30Oi, oi!
17:32Oh, my God.
17:33Look at them blades!
17:34Your hearts!
17:36Oh!
17:37Pistol rock mounted with original bullets, eh?
17:40V-v-v-v-v-button...
17:41Shut up!
17:43The problem?
17:44This is a fucking problem!
17:46What?
17:47Joey Kiddens is bleeding to death
17:48from a fucking knife wound upstairs.
17:50Davey has fucked us right up the anus.
17:53Haven't they?
17:54The woman, you know, the woman with the mad eyebrows?
17:56She said the landlord and landlady never got blown,
17:58that they should be heard, eh?
18:00Right, right.
18:01The questions are these.
18:02Where the fuck are they?
18:04And who the fuck?
18:05I'm Paulette and Stephen.
18:06Fuck me, dude.
18:09One week after burial,
18:11Dick Turpin's body was dug up,
18:14and it was sold for a legal dissection.
18:17David!
18:18David, what the fuck have you done, man?
18:21You tell me, Mon Cherie.
18:25He's fucking stabbed Joey Kiddens.
18:26He's upstairs.
18:27He's fucking bleeding out.
18:28Is he alright?
18:29No, sugar, unsurprisingly.
18:30No, he is in urgent need of urgent medical attention.
18:33Urgently.
18:34Now, gentlemen, come on.
18:35We've only just had the starter.
18:37You haven't even wheeled the meat out yet.
18:39Davey, for fuck's sake...
18:40I'm just so very disappointed in you, Vincent.
18:44Snooping around.
18:46What the fuck?
18:47Davey, for fuck's sake, man.
18:48This is crazy.
18:49No, don't.
18:50Hey, hey, hey, hey.
18:51Calm yourself.
18:52Oh, shit.
18:53You are all very excited to come here for the highly rated dining experience,
18:58so I suggest that you all take a seat.
19:02And when Stephen wheel's in the meat, we fill our boots.
19:05Hmm?
19:06Davey, just put the fucking knife down, man.
19:08Come on.
19:09Listen, man, this is supposed to be a truce, alright?
19:10It's not exactly gonna happen if one of you ends up dead, is it?
19:13Lord of the jungle, garage boy.
19:16Eat.
19:17Or be eaten.
19:23Davey.
19:36Ladies and gentlemen, your cavalry is served.
19:40I must say, it looks great.
19:42Get over, Michael.
19:43You great twat.
19:44Look what's going on.
19:45Fuck's sake.
19:46Oi, where's the real landlady and landlord right now?
19:48Look, everything will be fine as long as Kittens agrees to all of my demands.
19:52Vincent, why don't you bring Shirley Temple over there?
19:57I think she will be somewhat invested in this particular conversation.
20:01Right, well, then I want to come...
20:02No, thank you, little red riding hair.
20:03You just eat your greens.
20:04And if any one of you tries to raise the alarm,
20:07then I'm just gonna carve these two like a donna kebab.
20:18And I'm gonna turn this convivial country pub into a scene of untold fucking carnage.
20:28It's...
20:29Okie dokie.
20:30Floppy.
20:31Mmm.
20:32Mmm.
20:33Mmm.
20:34Mmm.
20:35Mmm.
20:36Mmm.
20:37Mmm.
20:38Mmm.
20:39Mmm.
20:40Mmm.
20:41Mmm.
20:42Mmm.
20:43Mmm.
20:44Mmm.
20:45Mmm.
20:46Mmm.
20:47Mmm.
20:48Mmm.
20:49Mmm.
20:50Mmm.
20:51Mmm.
20:52What demands, David?
20:53McCann's money is my money.
20:55And I want Joey to agree that I am in control of McCann's territory from now on.
21:00He needs to send a message to all interested parties telling them that that is the case.
21:05David, listen to me.
21:06He's not gonna agree to any of that.
21:09And why the fuck, why have you dragged Fay up here, for God's sake?
21:12I think you'll be surprised what people will do when they feel the life force ebbing away.
21:21Mmm.
21:26Uncle Jay!
21:27Oh, fuck!
21:28Uncle Jay!
21:29Uncle Jay!
21:30Davey, what the fuck?
21:31You alright?
21:32Give me a look at me?
21:33Hey, is Joey Kittens your uncle?
21:34Yeah, they don't fucking know him besides me, Uncle Jay!
21:36Nice little family reunion.
21:39You need to help him.
21:40He's fucking bleeding out.
21:41Can you hear me?
21:42Can you hear me?
21:43She's a bit Ashley.
21:45She's very, very, very fucking bad.
21:47And actually, I was far to say, I fear for our lives man.
21:51Wow, Davey's losing his fucking mind in there and there's fuck all we can do about it.
21:54I don't know.
21:55Ugh.
22:17I don't know.
22:18I don't know.
22:19I don't know.
22:20I don't know.
22:21I don't know.
22:22I don't know.
22:23I don't know.
22:24I don't know.
22:25I don't know.
22:26I don't know.
22:27You're here for the cavalry?
22:28I'm a fuck.
22:29Looking for me brother-in-law.
22:30Does he have a racist dog?
22:31Or perhaps an eye punch.
22:32Does he look like Lionel Richie?
22:33No.
22:34No.
22:35No.
22:36But he was here first thing this morning.
22:37And according to his wife's tracker, he's still here.
22:51Right, well, their windows are the same as mine and in back there says he can see straight
23:08into it.
23:09So I reckon if we hide down the side of that shed we should be able to get a perfect view.
23:13Side of the shed?
23:14Why not inside the shed?
23:15He's got a window.
23:16He's got a padlock, Jim.
23:17Padlock?
23:18I can have that fucker off in two seconds of that.
23:21Are you seriously suggesting breaking and entering someone's private property?
23:25Yes, I fucking well am.
23:27Fine.
23:28It's fucking freezing.
23:29There it is.
23:33Hey, piece of piss.
23:35Here you go, fucking heater.
23:37Hey, and a kettle.
23:38Bingo.
23:39And look at that perfect view.
23:41Now all we've got to do is sit here and wait.
23:44Ta-da.
23:45Peace for the boys.
23:47Eating a collado for the lady.
23:49Cheers.
23:50Cheers.
23:51Cheers.
23:52Cheers.
23:53Come on.
23:59Davey, please.
24:00Please, dude.
24:01This is fucking insane.
24:02Let's just talk about this like reasonable fucking human beings.
24:05Simple fix here, Joey.
24:06Seriously?
24:07Seriously?
24:08You're gonna fucking die?
24:09Listen, Davey.
24:10Please, I'm begging you.
24:12He needs fucking help.
24:13You're bleeding out.
24:14He's dead.
24:15Made plans to make it happen by you.
24:16What the fuck are you talking about, you twisted fuck?
24:19Joey.
24:20Joey.
24:21He's gonna leave you to fucking bleed out, dude.
24:24Closer.
24:25Closer.
24:26Closer.
24:27What's he saying?
24:28He's...
24:29Said to tell Davey to fuck his dead brother.
24:32Shit.
24:33Fuck my dead brother.
24:34Okey dokey.
24:37Fuck my dead brother, okie dokie.
24:52Fuck, fucking stop, dude, what the fuck? David, David, David, the fuck sent me to go in too far.
24:59Now stay the fuck there. What the fucking hell are you locking her in there for?
25:05What do you fucking want now?
25:07A bloke's just arrived, looking for his brother-in-law, he says he disappeared this morning.
25:11Disappeared? Oh, how strange. I'll have a word with him.
25:15Oh, fuck me in the arse. Get out of here, you big fat hands. What's going on?
25:22What are they doing?
25:23Not much. She's fucking about on her phone and he's doing a bit of cooking.
25:28Oh, what are they having?
25:30Oh, looks like some poncy omelette. Knock knock, I can see everything that goes on in your house and it's fuck boring.
25:40Well, I don't mind. I've got my drinks, I've got my snacks, I've got my two hunky boys for company.
25:46Hey, honky, see more meat on an anorexic pencil. Hey, fucking lean me.
25:52No, you've got a great body for a man your age. Thank you.
25:56And you. You've got lovely hair. My ex-husband, he had long hair, looks like Samson.
26:02Fucking Delilah more like. Looks all right, cunt.
26:06Oh, it's all right for you men. When you get to my age, as a woman, everyone just looks right through you.
26:13No, you're still a good looking woman.
26:15Oh, thanks boys.
26:16How long you been split there, if you don't mind me asking?
26:18Oh, years and years. I had to love her when Sugar was little. What a man.
26:23Wow, he really knew what to do in the downstairs department. He's dead now, sadly.
26:30Do you ever try and speak to him? He's just told you he's fucking dead.
26:34Yeah? You can speak with the dead.
26:36What the fuck are you talking about?
26:38Seances. Hold them every month at my farm with select friends.
26:41Oh, he's talking shite. When you're dead, you're fucking dead.
26:45Your fucking heart stops, your brain stops, then they fucking burn you, and that's all that is to it.
26:53Can we try it, though? Shall we give it a whirl?
26:57Fucking hell.
27:00Your brother-in-law's a delivery driver. Local pies and quiches.
27:05Delivers to this place every other day.
27:08But look, today, he never left.
27:13Hmm?
27:15Well, sometimes they don't update those things, do they?
27:18Especially in Bad Signal. It's probably the weather. Train havoc.
27:21Nothing's wrong. I can feel it in me piss.
27:25What a masterful grasp you have of the English language. It's rare. In a manual worker. What is your name?
27:34Ian.
27:35I'll tell you what I'll do for you, Ian. I will go and ask the landlord. Hmm? Why don't you get yourself a nice pint of bitter?
27:45I don't want a pint of bitter. I want to look around. It says he's here, so he must be here.
27:55Unless you've got something to hide.
27:59Oh, you're referring to my designer, Charles. Well, that's just some way I was cutting up the meat for the succulent carvery.
28:05But if you really want to have a look around this establishment, then why don't you just ask Paula, the landlady?
28:11And if she agrees, knock yourself out.
28:16I'd like to look around, please.
28:27Well...
28:29I'm quite busy here, so...
28:31I'd rather you didn't...
28:33I want...
28:34to look.
28:37Come on, then.
28:39Follow me.
28:41I've got a bad, bad feeling about this.
28:52Me too. Fucking hell.
28:53There's two people bleeding profusely upstairs. What's it going to do? Show them to Pyman's unfeasibly large brother-in-law.
28:59We need help. We need help. Listen.
29:02Stay here. I'm going to see if I can find some reception.
29:04We're on.
29:05Shall we?
29:06Yeah.
29:07Oh, fuck me.
29:12Oh, shit.
29:17Oh, no, fucker.
29:19So, er, this is where the magic happens?
29:22What's down there?
29:27Cellar. Er, storage rooms, you know.
29:29I might have gone down there for some reason.
29:31Unlikely. Delivering pies.
29:33Can I have a look?
29:36Be my guest.
29:48Hi, lads.
29:49Sorry, er, do you mind if we follow?
29:51It's because I've always wanted to see what the inside of a real pub cellar looks like.
29:55If you insist.
29:57As you can see, nothing but barrels, crates and, well, an abundance of cheese and onion crisps.
30:10Don't you hear me hide, don't you hear me hide.
30:15What's in there?
30:17No idea.
30:20I want to see inside.
30:22It seems unlikely, Ian, that your brother-in-law will get himself into a tiny room in a pub cellar and then just somehow accidentally get locked inside, don't you think?
30:31inside, don't you think? Even so. Can we open it? Okey dokey. Think I've got the key here somewhere.
31:01Davey, what the fuck? What fresh hell's this now? Well, in a nutshell, we've had two stabbings,
31:13a kidnapping and a couple imprisoned. Captain and Jess. Oh, fucking hell. What the fuck are
31:19they doing in there then? Long story, Vincent. It's a fucking long story, is it? Just calm
31:23myself down. Nobody's going to get hurt. They can breathe in there. What a sweet, uh, fuck
31:29you, Steven, you beady-eyed bastard. So, what? These last is fucking lying. I fucking know
31:34that. Get them poor bastards out of here. I'll go and deal with the psychopath. Davey! Davey,
31:38loud. Oh, that, that, that. Oh, that fucking hell. Davey, Davey, Davey, Davey, Davey. Listen,
31:45just tell me what's happening. If the real landlord and landlady are fucking bound and gagged
31:49downstairs, who the fuck are Paula and Steven, man? Cousins. Your cousins? That's right.
31:54When the venue was agreed upon, then I had an epiphany. Remote pub. Run by an ageing
32:01couple. I realised that this might be the chances I was waiting for. So I came up last night
32:04on a recce. Ah. Perfect.
32:08Got talking to Catherine and Jeremy. Lovely couple. Pretended I was opening my own gastro
32:13pub. Asked a few casual questions and they were only too happy to answer.
32:17Look, once the cleaner's gone of a morning, it's, er, it's just me and Kath. Prepping
32:22all the food. Getting the bar fully stocked. So I slept in my car and first thing, Steven
32:30and Paula arrived. And we waited until… Hello?
32:43Oh. I didn't see anything that's worth!
32:47I PUSHED HIM OFF A FUCKING CLIFF!
32:57Did I say Eclipse? I said GULLY.
33:05Oh. Pushed him off a fucking cliff.
33:07But I say a cliff. I said GULLY.
33:13Well, is he alive?
33:15He wasn't in the van, Vincent.
33:17Where is he?
33:18He's in a safe location.
33:21He was in danger of fucking everything up.
33:23Santé.
33:24Santé.
33:31Change of plan, Joey.
33:33The pub owner sells car for it till 2pm, so you need to arrive by 1.30pm.
33:37Toodaloo.
33:43Joey, henchman.
33:47I'm afraid that Vincent hasn't arrived yet.
33:50It's probably the weather.
33:52May I buy you a beverage while we're waiting?
33:58Why not?
33:59Between 1735 and 1737...
34:141737...
34:16But nobody knows for sure.
34:22Fascinating.
34:24You feeling okay, Joey?
34:26You fucker.
34:34Ryan, kill the twat.
34:37What are you waiting for, Ryan?
34:42Kill the twat.
34:44I mean, that's another one.
34:45Where's he?
34:46Outside in the boot of my car.
34:47Oh, you.
34:49Go on, then.
34:49What happened?
34:50Joey Kitten, this is what I want you to do.
34:53And if you do not agree, then you and this Calvary food spike thing are going to become very acquainted.
35:01Yes?
35:02Yes, Stevie.
35:04Yes.
35:04Shall I, uh, start heating the puddings yet?
35:06Fuck me, Steven.
35:07Why don't you go and see how they're getting on with the mains?
35:09There's a good boy.
35:10Why did you even carry on with the fucking Calvary if you've stabbed him already, do you know what I mean?
35:20There's knocking at the gate.
35:23Come, come, come, come, come.
35:28Give me your hand.
35:29What's done cannot be undone.
35:37That's really scary.
35:39Lady Macbeth.
35:40Fuck you, Lady Macbeth, for God's sake.
35:44This is fucked.
35:44It's unhinged, all right?
35:46And it's not you.
35:47This isn't you.
35:48You're not a killer.
35:49You're not.
35:50Well, I'm very touched by this outpouring of concern for me, Vincent.
35:54And, yes, things have got a tad out of control, but why don't you just go back there and enjoy the Calvary while I sit here and try and figure out a way to resolve things, all right?
36:04All right, well, if you mean that, you'll give me a nug.
36:07Come on.
36:09It's not like you to be shy, is it?
36:11Come on.
36:12It's not that, is it?
36:13Christ.
36:16All right, mate.
36:24Are there any spirits here today?
36:26No, but she's got a pinna colada.
36:28You can't speak.
36:29It scares them away.
36:30But it really, the imaginary spirits.
36:33Jim, please.
36:34Are there any spirits here today?
36:39Yes, there are spirits.
36:42Is it someone known to the living in the room?
36:46It is someone known.
36:48Well, now there's a fucking surprise.
36:51Hey, and if they're known to me, what the fuck are they doing hanging about in her next-door neighbour's garden shed?
36:57Jim!
36:58What?
36:59Is your name Paul...
37:04Is it Paulie?
37:06Is it Paulie Turner?
37:09Who's Paulie?
37:10He's my ex-lover that I told you about.
37:12I can't believe it.
37:13No, neither can I.
37:15Paulie!
37:15Is it you?
37:17I'm feeling a voice saying yes.
37:21He says he misses you.
37:24And he's asking if there's anything you'd like to say to him.
37:28Is there anything from the afterlife that he wants me to know?
37:33He says life is short.
37:36You must do what you've always wanted to do before it's too late.
37:41He says, no, no, no, he's fading.
37:47He's fading.
37:49He's fading.
37:50He's gone.
37:53Oh, for fuck's sake.
37:55Do what I've always wanted to do.
37:58I mean, I did tell him.
38:03I asked him to do it, but he said he didn't want to, so...
38:07What was that then?
38:10Well, um...
38:13It's a bit out there.
38:15It's a bit out there.
38:37Damn it!
38:41Dance, you bastards!
38:47Go up! Go up!
39:03Thank you. Very romantic.
39:05Nice.
39:09We've tried, but you just light forward.
39:11Fucking knocks down there.
39:15No one's getting out of there without a key.
39:17Shit.
39:21What the fuck's this now?
39:30Now I'm sorry to interrupt everybody's day,
39:33but there's good news and bad news.
39:35Now the good news is,
39:37because the snow is getting heavier,
39:39Paula and Steven are offering
39:41everybody in the bar a free drink.
39:43I guess.
39:45I guess.
39:47The bad news is,
39:49no fucker
39:51leaves his pub shit
39:53till I fucking say so!
39:55There's no calls for alarm.
39:57Hmm?
39:59Just put your mobiles into the coal bucket
40:01that Paula is bringing around.
40:03We have a bit of a situation unfolding,
40:05but we do not want anybody panicking.
40:07There's no signal anyway.
40:09There's no signal anyway.
40:11It looks so long.
40:13Hmm?
40:14You got your free drinks?
40:15Blitz spirit.
40:17All in it together.
40:19Ooh.
40:20Who can sing?
40:21Somebody sing us a song?
40:22Impressions then?
40:23Yes.
40:24I'm a talented comedian.
40:25King of the one-liner.
40:26Shut the fuck up, man.
40:27Things are bad enough,
40:28you're just going to set them off.
40:29What was that, JJ?
40:31Oh, do you want it to come up?
40:32Is that what it is?
40:33Oh, come on, don't be shy.
40:34No.
40:36No.
40:37No.
40:39No.
40:40No.
40:41No.
40:42No.
40:43No.
40:44No.
40:45No.
40:46No.
40:47No.
40:48No.
40:50I really don't have, like, a party trick or anything.
40:52Poppycock.
40:53You came at me once, do you remember?
40:56Because of her.
40:57You knocked me onto my derriere.
40:59You have depths we haven't seen yet.
41:03Well, come on, everybody.
41:04Give them a round of applause.
41:08The stage is yours, young man.
41:17Go into me back left-hand pocket.
41:29There's a key.
41:30There's a bedroom upstairs.
41:34Faze in here.
41:35She's hurt.
41:36What the fuck?
41:37Was it David?
41:38She's going to live, but she needs checking up.
41:39You need to go on now.
41:40He's going to fucking notice me, isn't he?
41:42Cover for you, aren't I?
41:43Go on now.
41:44Go on now.
41:55Oh, my fucking god.
41:56Oh, shit.
42:05Oh, my god.
42:06Hey, fuck.
42:07Oh, my god, are you okay?
42:08Yeah, we're going.
42:09Shit, fuck.
42:10Where's Davey?
42:11Um, uh, he's, uh, he's downstairs. He's got the whole fucking pub hostage. I don't think we're going to be able to get out.
42:21Do you want a bet?
42:26Jesus fucking Christ.
42:29Is it an elephant?
42:30An elephant?
42:32Oh, fuck me! Just get him off! I fucking have jokes! Proper good fucking jokes!
42:38So give him a chance. He's got a great banger about a pulp and a rouse.
42:40How about you sing us a song?
42:42I don't sing songs.
42:44Oh, shit! Sweet cheeks, because that is what I want.
42:47Someone must be able to give us a fucking song!
42:50Who can sing us a song?
42:52Go on, then. Why me?
42:53Come on, a nice little ditty.
42:56Something to keep the fucking mood light.
42:58Cheer us all up.
43:02What's that?
43:03Probably nothing.
43:05Nothing?
43:07That isn't nothing. That is a fucking alarm, sweetheart!
43:10Where is she?
43:14Hmm?
43:15Little orphan Annie?
43:16Where is she?
43:17Where is she?
43:18She's gone to the toilet for a piss, man.
43:20Toilet?
43:21Yes.
43:22Yes!
43:25Nice.
43:29Stephen, you keep these bookers here.
43:32Yeah.
43:34Vincent!
43:35Vincent!
43:35Careful, Vinnie.
43:43Stephen, do you want to hear some funny jokes?
43:45Yeah, yeah. Do your jokes.
43:49What's wrong?
43:50I see it.
43:52I see it.
43:53Where?
43:54I see it.
43:54I see it.
43:54I see it.
43:55I see it.
43:55I see it.
43:55I see it.
44:00Fucking cunts.
44:03Is this you, Vincent?
44:04Fuck not.
44:05No, it's...
44:06I finally found.
44:07Our Judas Iscariot.
44:09God's sake, Davey.
44:10I was in the fucking bar with you seconds ago.
44:12How could it be me?
44:15Let me tell you a story.
44:18I'm sorry.
44:19Everyone thinks Judas hanged himself out of remorse for what he did to Jesus.
44:30That's not the truth.
44:32No, the truth.
44:34The truth is...
44:36Oh, fuck, Davey.
44:38What the fuck?
44:39Vincent!
44:40What?
44:41Well, the truth is he was found dead in the field that he bought with his stolen money
44:46and his intestines spewing out of his body.
44:51Revenge?
44:53Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
44:55Surely one of the disciples wouldn't cause such butchery.
44:59Someone did.
45:01Hmm?
45:02Someone found the betraying cunt and pulled his insides outside.
45:05Davey, I'm not Judas, am I?
45:07And you're certainly not fucking Jesus.
45:10I mean, honestly, if they've gone, just let them go, I say.
45:12Let them go.
45:13Oh, I think you are forgetting the ostrich head and the threat on my life, Vincent.
45:23What's the problem with eating a clock?
45:26I need to do something here, Tom.
45:27I don't like the Vinny's out there with Davey on his own.
45:30What are you thinking?
45:31I'll create a distraction.
45:32Then we'll all pile out, yeah?
45:35All right.
45:35Why did the frog get the bus to work?
45:38Because his car got towed.
45:39Ladies and gentlemen, Mick Dennings, the pride of the Emerald Isle.
45:44Wasn't he fantastic?
45:45Do you want to see Uncle Ashley do a juggling trick?
45:47Oh, yes.
45:48Yes, yes, yes.
45:49Juggling for fuck's sake, yes.
45:50Yes.
45:51Go on, I think they want to see Uncle Ashley doing the empty pint glass juggling trick.
45:58Yeah?
45:59Good man.
46:00Now, I've got one pint glass.
46:02Do I have a second?
46:03Curtis Plum, you're a legend.
46:04Thank you for that, Stephen.
46:05If you don't...
46:05Yeah, yeah.
46:06Yeah, use that one.
46:07Now, it's a very simple set of...
46:09Fuck her fingers.
46:10You know what I hate when things just fall down and...
46:13Ah!
46:15Ah!
46:15Bastard!
46:16You!
46:17Oh!
46:18Shit!
46:18She's driving away from this danger!
46:21Fuck you!
46:21Fuck you!
46:22Fuck you!
46:23Fuck you!
46:25Canine!
46:27Racist canine!
46:28Oh, I'm going to get them all over.
46:29Oh!
46:29Ben!
46:30Money hard, idiot!
46:32Money hard!
46:34Woohoo!
46:35Money hard, idiot!
46:37What the fuck?
46:37I'm going to get them all over.
46:39Oh!
46:40Oh!
46:40Ben!
46:41In it!
46:41She's been in, buddy!
46:43Ben!
46:44You can't see a fucking thing!
46:46Ben!
46:47Ben!
46:47I love four friends here, sir!
46:48Ben!
46:49Ben!
46:49Ben!
46:49Ben!
46:49Ben!
46:49Ben!
46:50Ben!
46:50Ben!
46:51Ben!
46:52Ben!
46:52Ben!
46:52Ben!
46:53Ben!
46:54Ben!
46:54Ben!
46:55Ben!
46:55Ben!
46:56Ben!
46:56Ben!
46:56Ben!
46:57Ben!
46:57Ben!
46:58How can it just stop?
47:15They must be nearby.
47:16I know, but just listen, dude.
47:17I knew we should go back.
47:19We need a fucking warm-up.
47:20We'll have a cup of tea.
47:21We'll just talk about all this.
47:22Try and figure it out.
47:23It's out of hand, man.
47:25Fuck!
47:25Finn!
47:30Finn!
47:31Finn!
47:33Finn!
47:35Finn!
47:36Finn!
47:42Got you.
47:44Can't fight.
47:45I can't fight, Joseph.
47:48Where are you?
47:55Oh
48:02Oh fuck me oh
48:07No fucking hell gee I am so sorry but fuck me phone
48:16Yeah, you knew what didn't you just just you knew he was gonna do this just let's put that down and just put the fucking
48:24Gun down yeah, I know I didn't know I had no idea but I was fucking dead
48:30Listen to me listen. I had no idea. He was your uncle. I'm really fucking tired. Listen Davey
48:35Davey's a fucking nutcase. He's a law run to himself. He's a fucking
48:39I swear to god almighty. I didn't I thought I heard voices
48:46One more move sweet heart I'll blow a fucking head off
48:48Then I'll blow his fucking head off
48:51You seem to be under the impression that that would concern me my fucking concerns me
49:04Put that gun down you wouldn't do it put the gun down you haven't got the bottle Vincent talk the gun down man
49:11Do you know a couple of months ago we were on the edge of a fucking cliff in a shit rusty old bus
49:22And we all nearly died
49:24And when we got off we vowed to live our life to the full and not get wrapped up with fucking psychopaths
49:33That are trying to shoot us
49:35No, I am telling you for the last time put that fucking gun down
50:05Give me time for the last time put it all and ten
51:01This is my family, Ian.
51:08You're the ones that cheer me up when I'm sad.
51:11It's actually quite close to this place, it's a case.
51:15You're never going to believe this.
51:17I've only gone and done it, it's the right one.
51:19You're the ones who put a smile on my face when I feel like shit.
51:24You're the ones who put a smile on my face when I feel like shit.
51:27You're the ones who put a smile on my face when I feel like shit.
51:31You're the ones who put a smile on my face when I feel like shit.
51:33I love you.
51:36I care for you.
51:39You're my dad.
51:42Yeah, I am, yeah.
51:45Right.
51:46I'll see you soon.
51:48Yeah.
51:51Do I do it?
51:52Yeah.
51:53Yeah?
51:54Yes, I want to do Titanic.
51:55Right.
51:55It's quite nice, isn't it?
51:58It's like we're flying, isn't it?
52:01I always think about what you whispered.
52:0834%
52:09You will become, was always you and all.
52:20No, no.
52:21No, no, no, no.
52:29You
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