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BRITCOM I
  • 2 days ago

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00:00I said wake up!
00:03Get your things! You're going home, you loser!
00:14The best things in life are free!
00:17You filthy deviant!
00:18Susurring to party like it's too hurtin' and sick!
00:212006? Fuck off! Is that how long ago we were at school?
00:24Yeah.
00:25Yeah, we're old, mate. We're very, very old.
00:26Tomo, what do you need a business card for?
00:28Jesus fucking Christ, we're not noughties!
00:29We're balls deep in a fucking rebrand, love!
00:31Have you not seen your mother?
00:33She's a Bavarian beer wench, look!
00:35Go on, give us a jiggle, love let too much jiggle.
00:37Now that Ernst is a secret investor,
00:39I've had to German the place up with it, haven't I?
00:41Bringing new faces through the door, crucially,
00:43because, I don't want to remind you, but, er,
00:45I am the man who was voted most likely to be a millionaire in year 11.
00:48And the man has shatting himself in year 8.
00:50Oh, shut up and have your shorts!
00:52Yes! Cheers!
00:53Sláinte to your heads!
00:54Good night, Rhiann Borla!
00:55Cheers!
00:56Oh, my God, I'm so excited!
00:59He didn't even go to our school!
01:00Well, a night out's a night out, innit?
01:02And his ring not coming?
01:03No, it's too painful, you know, going back without Dylan.
01:06Yeah.
01:08JJ!
01:09Hmm?
01:10What's wrong with you?
01:11Sonny's ill, so I was just up all night.
01:13Listen, are you sure you just don't want to go on your own?
01:15This is the first night out we've had in ages!
01:18You promised me a good night!
01:19JJ, stop your whining and get a bratwurst down your mouth!
01:22Give yourself a semi!
01:23Oh!
01:24Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
01:26Fuck the right-off out of it!
01:27No!
01:28Have you told him we're here?
01:29No, it wasn't me!
01:30Why didn't you tell me that you was in town?
01:32Because why would you?
01:34Why would you?
01:35Yeah, very much.
01:36You wouldn't, you wouldn't...
01:37You know what?
01:38I'll just be happy to accept me bag of gifts and I'll be on my fucking way.
01:42Okay?
01:43What are you on about?
01:44Good one, Erin.
01:45It's Ronnycroft's 39th voyage around the sun.
01:49Yeah?
01:50It's Ronnycroft's birthday today.
01:51So me and you, why don't we go out?
01:53We'll have a nice little dance.
01:55We'll paint the town blue.
01:56Come on.
01:57Fine.
01:58Fine.
01:59No, Erin!
02:00A key component of going back to your old school and proving to everyone
02:03that you are in fact now a very, very big dog is not to bring a...
02:07...heat like Ronnycroft with you.
02:09Wait, wait, wait.
02:10What do you mean you're going back to school?
02:11Why are you going back to school?
02:12At a school reunion.
02:13But technically he did go to that school, so he is allowed to go.
02:17I'd just rather he didn't.
02:18Maybe.
02:19But listen to me now, right?
02:21You do not embarrass me tonight.
02:24When have I ever embarrassed you?
02:33Has it always been this shit?
02:35What is that smell?
02:36That, Ashley, is Tipex and Seaman.
02:38The scent of youth.
02:39Let's get smashed.
02:40Come on, David.
02:41Oh, sugar.
02:42Come on!
02:43Hey, let's...
02:46Hello.
02:47Ashley Dennings, as I live and breathe.
02:51Or should I say, Hawley's answer to Marlon Brando.
02:54No.
02:55Mrs. Lee.
02:56My old drama teacher.
02:57How are dolls?
02:59Oh!
03:00Oh!
03:01Oh!
03:02God, that's a drink!
03:03Come on!
03:05And when your pastry is all golden and tight over your meat, reach in and slide her out of the oven.
03:13Oh!
03:15Sickness!
03:16For Vincent!
03:17Oh, you fucking hell!
03:20Christ, Amish Fagan.
03:22That was really fucking unkind.
03:23I mean, what the fuck am I going to do now there?
03:25Well, you pick it up and you eat it.
03:27The world is on fire, Vincent.
03:29Humanity has gone to shit.
03:31And we don't need you wasting good pies now, do we?
03:34No.
03:35Now, be a good boy and grab us a couple of forks.
03:38There's been a development with kittens.
03:40Me too!
03:45So, after the bye out of me and the wife decided to up to six, half our time here, half our time in New York.
03:50Oh, yes, New York. I'm always over there.
03:52Really? Which bit?
03:54Just, er, everywhere.
03:56What about business?
03:57Not still frogging gobstoppers?
03:59Yeah, I see.
04:01I'm a long way past confectionery now, sweetheart.
04:03Yes, sir.
04:04Actually, I own the Rat and Cutter.
04:06In time.
04:07Yeah, yeah.
04:08Well, I recently acquired a gastro-establishment.
04:10Right, who wants another bratwurst?
04:14Big plant.
04:24I think about your performance in Evita.
04:27Once a week, those thighs really did tell a thousand words.
04:30Tell me you still perform.
04:32Well, I've been developing a YouTube personality.
04:35YouTube?
04:36Yeah.
04:37With thighs like those.
04:39That body was destined to be in a leotard on a stage.
04:42Actually.
04:43Well, tell me.
04:44Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
04:45Is that Bruno Hodge?
04:46Do you remember not that they set fire to all those bins?
04:47Oh, smile, Erin.
04:48Don't need them to hang rats outside your house.
04:49Hello, right here.
04:50Right here.
04:51No, no, no.
04:52Come on.
04:53So that's like actual fruit, yeah.
04:54That's all right, isn't it?
04:55Same as fuck here, though.
04:56Ah!
04:57Oh!
04:58Run it!
04:59Oh, fuck.
05:00I'm sorry.
05:01I'm sorry.
05:02Oh, no.
05:03Hey.
05:04Hey, what?
05:05What?
05:06I, I want Nick in anything.
05:07I wanted to put the, uh...
05:08No, no, no, no.
05:09I don't give a shit.
05:10I, I don't give a fuck.
05:11He's not out here anyway.
05:12Just to, uh...
05:13Run it! Oh, fuck. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
05:18Oh, no.
05:20Hey.
05:24I wasn't nicking anything. I wanted to put the...
05:26No, no, no. I don't give a shit. I don't give a fuck.
05:31He's not here anyway. Just a packet of Siggies and a book
05:34on overcoming intrusive thoughts.
05:40You're Declan Duggan, aren't you?
05:41Yeah.
05:42Declan Duggan.
05:44Appalong, we used to sit next to each other in food technology.
05:47No, I'm Declan Duggan. Yeah, that's me, yeah.
05:50I, er, I heard you're really successful now. You're hedge fund manager or something.
05:54My hedge fund manager, yeah. There's just hedges all over the gaff.
05:56I trim them, I water them, I kind of just, like, tend to them, et cetera,
05:59and so on, basically.
06:01That's really impressive.
06:02Thank you very much.
06:03I love a man who can manage a good hedge.
06:06Oh my fucking God. This is suddenly the best birthday of all time.
06:16Meet me in the science lab. Ten minutes.
06:18He's deigned to offer a peace meeting tomorrow, 7pm, 8th floor of the JSB car park in Manchester.
06:32A car park? And what did you expect, sweetheart?
06:36Patricia's patisserie. She charges extra fruit milk.
06:40All I'm saying is a car park, it doesn't feel peace-ish. It feels a little bit, it feels a bit stabby.
06:47Exactly. Which is why I need you to drive me there.
06:51Oh.
06:52Besides, that is only the first half of my plan.
06:57What's the second half?
07:01Just in case Miss Kittens decides to do something stupid, you're my backup.
07:09Oh, fuck, no, no, dude. Christ on a fucking bike.
07:13No, I am zen now, alright? Crystals and stupid shit like a zen, zen, look, green tea.
07:20You owe me, Vincent. You owe me.
07:23Do you remember?
07:24I did not save your life just for you to be ungrateful.
07:29I'll be back tomorrow afternoon. Just make sure that you're ready to go.
07:35So what about Mrs Longworth? Is she still here?
07:38She's dead too.
07:39Aww.
07:40They're all dead now, Mr Albury, Mr Jackson, Mr Trealty.
07:45At least you're not dead.
07:47I'm waiting on some test results.
07:50Oh, God.
07:52Talking about Deather, I was sorry to hear about Dylan's passing.
07:56Ah, thank you. It's kind.
07:58I actually have something of his, if you want to see.
08:01He mapped out every major star and comet and where they would be seen from Earth.
08:07Oh.
08:09He spent nearly every afternoon of Year 11 working on it.
08:12Oh, so that's where he spent most of his time that year, then.
08:14Yeah, no, I feel bad for starting that rumour that he was shagging the librarian.
08:17You started it?
08:18Yeah.
08:19Angela had a disciplinary hearing. She's still got it on her record.
08:23Oh, sorry. Sorry.
08:25Ah, that is special.
08:28We submitted his chart to the National Astronomy Society Competition.
08:32And he won.
08:34Got a star named after him.
08:36Dylan Goldinstar.
08:38Hidden talents.
08:39As the people closest to him.
08:41Remind yourselves just how bright that boy was.
08:46Thanks, yeah.
08:49Oh, yes.
08:50Well, he really was a wonderful artist.
08:54Detailed.
08:55Yeah, detailed.
08:56Albus.
08:57Oh, yeah.
08:58That's it.
08:59Who's your dad?
09:00Who's your boss?
09:01Hit me.
09:02What?
09:03Fucking hit me.
09:04Slap me.
09:05Harder.
09:06Harder.
09:07Grab my balls.
09:08Oh, fucking hell.
09:09Have you got three hands?
09:12He's dancing.
09:13It's so bad it's making me feel nauseous.
09:15Like, literally nauseous.
09:16Like, oh.
09:17This is the best night of my life.
09:18Honestly, sugar, having that baby, I seriously distorted your concept of fun.
09:23JJ, let's do shots.
09:24No.
09:25Come on, shots.
09:26Just like a fucking machine.
09:28Oh, oh, dram teacher.
09:2911 o'clock.
09:30Clock past eleven.
09:31Brush yourself.
09:32Yeah, half eleven.
09:33Yeah, I've got it, Aaron.
09:34Ashley.
09:35You'll never believe what's happened.
09:36Mr. Gibbons, my duet partner, has been involved in a pileup on the M60.
09:41I don't know what I'm gonna do.
09:43We practiced all week.
09:44Mrs. Waithe?
09:46Prett not.
09:48The show will go on.
09:50Really?
09:51Show me my mark.
09:52Oh, this one.
09:57That's late.
09:59That woman is an apex predator.
10:01Oh, my God.
10:02Apparently he bummed a dog.
10:03Yeah, he bums poodles, yeah.
10:04Poodles?
10:05I kind of get it with the poodles.
10:06I do, yeah.
10:07I think he's just like the curly hair and that.
10:08Am I right?
10:09It is you.
10:10It's runty runny.
10:11I thought that was you earlier scurrying off.
10:12How's it going, Muncie?
10:13It's Declan, actually.
10:14And he's way more successful than you, TJ.
10:15You think this is Declan?
10:16No.
10:17No, this is runny fucking cropped.
10:19You've been telling porkies.
10:20He always was a little bullshitter.
10:21Fuck off, TJ, yeah.
10:22Just fuck off.
10:23What?
10:24I said fuck off to you.
10:25Oh, you look like you wanna hit me.
10:26I wanna hit you, yeah.
10:27You wanna fight me?
10:28Yeah.
10:29Do you wanna fight me, Ron, T?
10:30Fuck off.
10:31Someone's had a bit too much to drink.
10:32Ronny!
10:33Fuck!
10:34Is that a t-shirt?
10:35You're way more successful than you, TJ.
10:36You think this is Declan?
10:37No.
10:38No, this is runny fucking cropped.
10:39You've been telling porkies.
10:40He's always was a little bullshitter.
10:41Fuck off, TJ, yeah?
10:42Just fuck off.
10:43What?
10:44I said fuck off, TJ.
10:45Oh, you look like you wanna hit me.
10:46I wanna hit you, yeah.
10:47You wanna fight me?
10:48Yeah.
10:49Do you wanna fight me, Ron, T?
10:50Fuck off.
10:51Someone's had a bit too much to drink.
10:53Ronny!
10:54Fuck!
10:55Is that a t-shirt?
11:03Oh, you fucking...
11:04Oh, you fucking...
11:06Fucking...
11:08Tough night.
11:11Why do men have to be fucking dickheads?
11:14TJ fucking Thompson.
11:15He's been the bane in me life.
11:17Bully me from fucking day one, man.
11:19But it's not like he didn't get enough out of me when we was at school.
11:23He used to lock me in the fucking basement every day.
11:26Well, I know how you feel, pal.
11:29I was bullied here too.
11:31I came here tonight to confront the dickhead who made my life hell.
11:34Fuck, I didn't turn up.
11:37Waited years.
11:39Just wanted to fight back.
11:42That's it.
11:44That's it.
11:45That's it.
11:46Fight back.
11:47Fucking fight back for once.
11:49I wanna...
11:51Do you know what?
11:52I'd fucking kill him if I could.
11:54But you can, can you?
11:58You got a motive.
12:00Everyone knows it was you.
12:01Oh, yeah.
12:02Oh, yeah.
12:03Well, everyone...
12:04Yeah, of course.
12:05Ronnie Crofter.
12:06Blame Ronnie Croft.
12:07I think I should do it for you.
12:08I was in the air above.
12:12No one knows me.
12:14Hey.
12:15I could get TJ.
12:20And you could get mine.
12:22Why don't it be good to just fucking win?
12:28Do you know what?
12:29You're fucking right there.
12:30You're fucking right there.
12:31That's it.
12:32It's about winning fucking once, innit?
12:33It's a fucking great plan, aren't you?
12:42Class of 2006.
12:43What a night we've had, eh?
12:45And I've just had some good news from the hospital about Mr. Gibbons.
12:48No internal bleeding.
12:50I'm stepping in for him tonight.
12:52I just want you to put your hands together for the most amazing...
12:57Ashley Dennings!
13:00Oh, fuck this.
13:03Yeah, bravo.
13:05Oh, baby.
13:09Move closer to me.
13:12Place your chest against mine.
13:15Feel my heart beat.
13:18Oh, baby.
13:20I love how that belt fits.
13:23The way it hangs so low.
13:26So low on your hips, my darling.
13:30I want you so.
13:32Your body gives me such a thrill
13:36as it leans against mine.
13:39I love how it feels
13:42as you lean against mine.
13:45The smell of burning leather
13:49as we hold it together tight.
13:52As our ribbons rub together
13:55flashing sparks into the night.
13:58Darling, if you really care for me
14:02let me say it now.
14:05Don't touch me there.
14:08Oh, my God.
14:09Don't touch me there.
14:11Don't touch me there.
14:14Don't touch me there!
14:16Don't touch me there!
14:28Yes, yes, yes.
14:29Morning, yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:31All the fucking gang's here, yeah?
14:32All the fucking gang's here, yeah?
14:33No.
14:35Sir.
14:36I don't know.
14:37What are you playing at?
14:40Is he becoming a regular fixture now?
14:42I never agreed to death.
14:43Oh, my God, have you heard?
14:45Apparently, that TJ Thompson never made it home last night.
14:48They think something's happened to him.
14:50They found a bloody trail.
14:51Not like a trail of blood.
14:54I could get TJ.
14:56And you could get mine.
14:58Fucking hell!
15:00What are you doing?
15:01Right, do you know TJ?
15:02He's gone fucking missing.
15:03Has he?
15:04Yep.
15:06What's it got to do with you?
15:09Okay.
15:10I was talking with this fella last night,
15:12and I was saying I wanted something bad.
15:14So it happened to TJ, like...
15:16Right.
15:17He goes, I'll do that for you.
15:20But you've got to do something to some fella for me.
15:22Me?
15:23What are you talking about?
15:23What fella?
15:24I don't fucking know.
15:25But I'm now thinking he's fucking done something.
15:28He's probably waiting for me to go and do something for him
15:31in return of the expectation of fucking...
15:33No, no, no, no, no, run it.
15:35Think about it.
15:36No one expects anything from you.
15:38Yeah.
15:40Yeah.
15:40You'd have to be nuts, wouldn't you, to ask me to do something for you?
15:42Yeah.
15:43Now Sunday wedding, you do make me feel better, like, a lot of the time.
15:46All right.
15:46Yeah.
15:46Okay, go on for it.
15:47It's okay.
15:48Don't worry, you're handshagging.
15:50Right.
15:50Just...
15:50Stop saying weird shit like that.
15:54Ah.
15:55Good morning, all.
15:57I'm going to need all of you down at the station to discuss last night
16:00and anything you know about TJ Thompson.
16:06Aaron Croft?
16:06Yeah.
16:07Come with me.
16:08What's going on?
16:09Just ask.
16:10Fucking hell.
16:13Right, I have to sign in.
16:14Ronnie Croft.
16:15If that's his real name.
16:17Oh, it is.
16:18He's literally in here all the time.
16:20Theft, drunk and disorderly, afraid.
16:22Yeah, I wasn't charged though, was I?
16:24Fuck.
16:24Okay.
16:25Harper!
16:26Oh, fuck me.
16:29Last night, all that fucking drunken chat about how we want to get TJ fucked up.
16:34Because I'm on, like, my final fucking warning here.
16:37Oh, yeah.
16:38Of course.
16:38Okay, so we've got fuck all to do with that shite.
16:43A drunken mouth speaks a sober heart around him.
16:45We all know that.
16:51He's still alive.
16:52Just incapacitated.
16:54For now.
16:55I didn't have anything to fucking do with it.
16:57This is you.
16:58You're a one-man show.
16:59What about the bit where you said you'd kill him?
17:01No.
17:02Because you're just putting words in my fucking mouth there.
17:05Do you know what?
17:06I'd fucking kill him if I could.
17:08Runny.
17:16Runny.
17:17You really think I didn't make a copy?
17:20You made a fucking copy, didn't you?
17:22See, here's the thing.
17:22You're going to do your end of the bargain, because that's what's fair, isn't it?
17:27I got yours, and you're going to get mine.
17:30I've waited a long time for my vengeance, Runny.
17:34And if you don't do it, then...
17:36Well, that recording's going to go straight into the inbox of Carl Slater.
17:40Fucking psychopath.
17:41You're a fucking loser.
17:44I don't do a favour.
17:47You're the only person to ever do anything for you.
17:50Why do you think that is?
17:53It's because no one cares about your flower.
17:55So, you're welcome.
17:59Hey, you keep shtum.
18:02And I see you outside, cocker.
18:04Oh, fuck.
18:10So, good night last night?
18:14Not, yeah.
18:15Sure I saw a bit of a row between you and TJ.
18:18No, no.
18:20A little tiff by the punch bowl?
18:22No.
18:23Interesting, because...
18:25Do you know what I'm thinking?
18:27Is it about bumming a dog?
18:29I think last night you snapped.
18:32I think after the reunion,
18:34you decided to get your own back,
18:37after TJ humiliated you.
18:39No.
18:40I know you've got something to do with this.
18:42I'm on to your honour.
18:50Well?
18:51Do you mean...
18:53I didn't fucking say anything, okay?
18:56Goodbye.
18:57Smart move.
18:59I just want this over with.
19:01Right, okay then.
19:02So, who do you want me to get?
19:06Vincent O'Neill.
19:11Oh, for fuck's sake.
19:19Shit.
19:20Right, are you sure you mean fucking Vinnie?
19:23He's not a bad lad, you know?
19:24He's a fucking dick, but he's soft.
19:26He's soft.
19:27He's like fucking heavily tattooed margarine.
19:29You don't know what he did to me!
19:33It was 2006.
19:36Year 11.
19:39Yeah, yeah.
19:41Vincent Dillon.
19:42Quiet, please, or I will send you out.
19:45It was a particularly hot day,
19:46Mrs. Sklodagh was looking.
19:49Sublime, as always.
19:52So I rushed to tend to myself
19:54when he heard a voice.
19:56The voice of an angel.
19:58Bruno, are you okay?
19:59You should be in my room right now.
20:02Is that you, Mrs. Sklodagh?
20:03Yes, it's me.
20:05Oh, Bruno, you naughty boy.
20:08You really shouldn't be doing that without my help.
20:10It was the most profound sexual experience I've ever had.
20:16And it was all a lie.
20:18You naughty, naughty boy, Bruno, lad.
20:23And I've been haunted by that voice ever since, Ronnie.
20:25Oi, just watch the road, mate.
20:26I've lost all confidence.
20:27The few times I did get with a girl,
20:29I couldn't focus,
20:29I can't even get hard anymore, Ronnie.
20:32It's all because of Vincent O'Neill
20:35and the way his tongue danced on those vowels.
20:41Now, here's what I want you to do.
20:44I want you to film him wanking.
20:50What, what, why?
20:51That's right.
20:52I want Vincent O'Neill with his todger out.
20:55And let's see how he likes his personal preferences broadcast.
20:58Eh? Eh?
21:00Yeah.
21:04There you are.
21:05Eh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:07What is this stinky vibe you bring in here?
21:09I know this sounds ridiculous,
21:11but I think our honour is about to do something really fucking stupid.
21:15Last night, he got talking to someone
21:16and made this drunken deal
21:17about getting revenge on TJ Thompson.
21:21And now TJ's missing.
21:22Exactly.
21:23Sorry, sorry, sorry.
21:24Since when have we started bandying around words like revenge
21:26and missing it, Agatha Christie?
21:28Yeah, it was just a drunken chat, was it not?
21:30I mean, he didn't actually do it.
21:31But the deal was made with Bruno Hodge.
21:34Ooh.
21:34I've just seen Ronnie getting into his car.
21:37Oh, God.
21:37Look, I think he's taking TJ as leverage
21:39until Ronnie does whatever fucked up thing Bruno wants him to do.
21:42Right, yes, no, I hear you.
21:44And I very, very much am trying my best to care.
21:46But obviously, it is Ronnie, isn't it?
21:47Yes, yes.
21:48Oh!
21:48It is Ronnie, but he's still my fucking brother.
21:52I mean, I don't want Carl Slater pinning on him
21:54because he's an easy target.
21:55Yeah, okay, what do you want us to do?
21:56Right, I think we should go Bruno's house.
21:58Then we can start there and work out where Bruno's put him.
22:03He's not bloody in.
22:07Hello.
22:07Hello there, this is Dawson's plumbing some fittings.
22:09Your landlord's called and say you can't access your water meter.
22:12And I think about the water meter is that you...
22:13Ah, eh, voila.
22:14Well done.
22:15Okay.
22:16Oh, man, sir.
22:17Watch out, lads.
22:18I need to roll up.
22:19Just try the handle.
22:21Oh, do you look at that?
22:22There we go.
22:23Come on.
22:25What the fuck?
22:55Get the fuck, Ronnie, get the fuck out.
23:07Unbelievable.
23:08Do you know what I'd like?
23:09To be able to come home and not be accosted in me own fucking house.
23:13You accosted me fucking Kevin O'Costner.
23:14How have I Kevin O'Costner'd you if you're in my fucking cupboard?
23:18I wandered in.
23:19I comes in.
23:20I think, how's me mate Vinny doing?
23:22No, you didn't.
23:23You're just so full of fucking shit, Ronnie.
23:25Why would I be mates with a cunt like you?
23:27You're hard work.
23:27Fuck off.
23:29I kind of wish people had stopped saying that, mate.
23:31Because it's fucking getting to me a little bit.
23:33I get it.
23:33No one fucking likes me.
23:35I thought you were meant to be all about the mental health stuff now.
23:37All right.
23:37All right.
23:38Fair enough.
23:38Yeah.
23:38I'm sorry.
23:39Yeah.
23:39I'm sorry.
23:40Here we go.
23:41Tell me what's going on.
23:43Can I just have a little film if you happen to masturbate, please?
23:45The fuck is wrong with you, dude?
23:47No, you can't film your having a fucking mind.
23:49Get out, Ron.
23:49Ben, what if we just give you a little bit of an hour?
23:51Weird.
23:51No, Ronnie.
23:52Dude, it's fucking nerdy.
23:54Just do it.
23:54My willy's come out.
23:56Oh, hello.
23:57Am I interrupting something?
23:59Nothing major, to be honest.
24:00You ready to go, Vincent?
24:01Oh, you scent can't wait to get out of here.
24:03That's not weird.
24:04We all have it.
24:05Very strict.
24:06Disturbing.
24:06I'm going to get the fuck out, Ben.
24:09He told you to get out, so fuck off.
24:11Is he fucking...
24:12He said fuck off.
24:13Is that a real gun?
24:14Yes.
24:14Fuck me.
24:17Get you caught.
24:17It's cold out.
24:19Looked well without that beard.
24:21Hurry up, Vincent.
24:22I cannot be late.
24:24Kittens will see this as a slight.
24:26You capisce?
24:28Oh, shit.
24:30Oh, no.
24:32What's happening?
24:33Why have you stopped?
24:35Why have you stopped?
24:36I'm going to be late.
24:37I don't fucking know, dude.
24:38He's making a noise.
24:39You had one job.
24:43One fucking job.
24:44That was the deal.
24:45Yeah, and he fucking...
24:46He said no.
24:48He said no, Bruno.
24:49So what do you want me to do?
24:50Force a man to have a fucking wank.
24:53So just fucking take me to TJ now
24:54or I'm going to go full on fucking Ronnie Croft.
24:57All right.
25:02I'll take you to him now.
25:04I'll get in the car then.
25:06Respect.
25:09There's no fucking reception.
25:11Piss.
25:13Fuck.
25:14What are we going to do, sweetheart?
25:15Oh, it's that fat red.
25:20Can this day get any worse?
25:25Oi, oi.
25:27You all right?
25:28Do we look all right?
25:30Well, any ideas?
25:32Yeah.
25:33The alternator can't return the power to the battery.
25:36It's fucked.
25:38Fucking hell.
25:40Going to town if it helps.
25:42I don't know.
25:42Listen, if you want to make that peace meeting,
25:50we have to go with Ed.
25:53All right, just don't breathe a word
25:55about what we're up to.
25:56And if you need to mention kittens,
25:58then say the word doggies.
26:00Puppies.
26:01Puppies.
26:01Puppies will do that.
26:02Are you in or out?
26:03In.
26:05Oh, it's terrifying.
26:07The inner workings of a bona fide fruitcake.
26:09Wait, there's no one here, lads.
26:10I've checked everywhere.
26:11There's nothing here.
26:12Just a load of creepy old bric-a-brac.
26:15But I feel off.
26:15I feel like someone watching me.
26:17Look, settle, battle.
26:18All right, Ashley.
26:19Look, in the immortal words of Tiffany,
26:21I think we're alone now.
26:22You see?
26:23There's no one here.
26:24Don't worry about it.
26:24We are absolutely alone.
26:26Everything is completely fine.
26:29AHHHHH!
26:33So what are you two up to, Ed?
26:35Oh, we got a big job.
26:36But I can't tell you what it is yet.
26:39Yeah, because we don't know what it is yet.
26:41It's for my uncle, though.
26:43And you won't disappoint.
26:44What about you two?
26:46We're off to see a puppy.
26:47Puppy?
26:48Oh, what kind of puppy?
26:50One that does it it's told.
26:52Oh, shit!
26:53Oh, shit!
26:54Fuck!
26:56Get a fuck out road!
26:58Say it!
26:58Don't show her!
26:59She's old!
27:00Well, just hang on.
27:03Are we not going to fucking stop for her?
27:05No.
27:06Come on.
27:07Dude, it's an old lady in the middle of the road.
27:08He's pissing it down.
27:09Vincent, I cannot be late.
27:11It's fucking biblical!
27:12Oh, fine.
27:13Fuckity fine.
27:14Pick her up.
27:15Pick the bloody damsel up.
27:16The more the bloody marrier.
27:17Just throw it the fuck up.
27:19Oh, for fuck's sake.
27:20This better be quick.
27:21Thank you so much for stopping.
27:24Hey, you're all right, love.
27:25Don't worry about it.
27:25Hey, listen, where are you headed?
27:26Are you going back to Hawley?
27:27Oh, no.
27:29I'm going home to surprise my boyfriend in Manchester.
27:31But I miss the bus.
27:32Oh, yes.
27:33Immenx.
27:34Listen, we're going that way.
27:35We'll drop you.
27:35Really?
27:36What about the puppies, Vincent?
27:38He's on the way.
27:39Yeah, well, it better be.
27:41My uncle hates people being late.
27:51Oh, fuck it.
27:55What's up, cucka?
27:57It's just a school basement.
28:01I just did what you wanted me to do, Ronnie.
28:03I just did what TJ used to do to you.
28:07Oh, we could keep him down there.
28:10No.
28:11No, no, no.
28:11No, we've got to, um, we've got to go and get him.
28:15You're the boss, Ronnie Croft.
28:28Oi!
28:29What on earth is she doing in there, hmm?
28:32I mean, did she expire mid-excretion?
28:34She's old, isn't she?
28:36It just takes a bit longer, doesn't it?
28:37Well, she's been at it 20 fucking minutes.
28:40And en route, my arsehole.
28:42This is making me very late for my meeting.
28:45Oh, right, chill out.
28:46We're late too.
28:47Anyway, I thought you were going to see a puppy.
28:49Yes, I am.
28:51A very important puppy.
28:55Right, come on.
28:56We're ditching her in the van, chop, chop.
28:58Er, no, we're not ditching her in the middle of nowhere.
29:01We'll fetch her then.
29:03Right.
29:03Can I help?
29:05Oh, here she is.
29:06Oh, hello, my dear.
29:08I do hope we're not rushing you.
29:09Thank you so much for this.
29:11You've all gone out of your way.
29:13Oh, no, no, not at all.
29:15You know, you've got beautiful eyes.
29:19I can tell there's a kind man in there.
29:23Nobody's said that to me before.
29:25But you're lonely, aren't you?
29:29My brother died.
29:30I've known grief too, but you have to let it go.
29:40Right, well, enough of this little interlude.
29:43Better get you delivered to your sweetheart.
29:45Right, there we are.
30:00Let's see how he likes it.
30:01You two need to spend some quality time together anyway.
30:15She does look a bit like him.
30:36I don't fucking know, mate.
30:37Oh, nan's look the same to me.
30:39No offence, love.
30:40There you go, Margaret.
30:43Oh, lovely.
30:45Right, we best get going.
30:46Mmm.
30:47Shall we?
30:48I don't want this flavour.
30:50Oh, well, I'm sorry.
30:51That's the only flavour you've got, Margaret.
30:52Well, shit in your hands and clap them too.
30:55Bruno, is that you?
30:57Where is he?
30:58Here.
30:59Oh, I can see you all.
31:00You think you can just break into my flat, do you?
31:03Well, I tell you what.
31:04Bruno, I don't fucking want this pea soup.
31:08Full of fibre, nan.
31:09It's good for your bowels.
31:10Yeah.
31:11Now, you need to pack it in and you need to leave my brother out of this.
31:14I was offering your brother a chance for vengeance.
31:17All those years of being locked up in the school cupboard by TJ.
31:21Years of being bullied and humiliated by him and he still doesn't want revenge.
31:26What are you on about?
31:27What?
31:28No, I'm running was getting bullied.
31:29Come on, it's not exactly a fucking plot twist, is it?
31:32I mean, it's rolling, right?
31:33Now, listen up and listen close.
31:35You're going to bring Vincent O'Neill to the school.
31:40And if I get a whiff at the police, I'll burn the whole thing down.
31:45We're running inside.
31:48Not ideal.
31:50No, it's not ideal, is it?
31:54Help!
31:55Help!
31:56Someone help me!
31:57Someone, please!
31:58I'm not going to fucking hurt you.
32:00How the fuck do you know, Runty?
32:03What?
32:03What was that?
32:06How would I know?
32:08Because you used to fucking lock me in there every day.
32:13And then you went and cried about it.
32:15To go-go gadget fucking psychopath out there.
32:18And now we're both going to fucking die.
32:20You fucking bastard.
32:22Fuck off.
32:23Fucking...
32:24We are really late, Vincent.
32:27Has he texted back?
32:28Yes.
32:29Oh.
32:30Um.
32:31He's saying we're doing it next week.
32:33It's probably for the best, isn't it?
32:35Maybe it is, Vincent.
32:37Maybe it is.
32:38Hmm.
32:39At least maybe we'll get lucky tonight.
32:42Oh, shit.
32:43Look at all them.
32:46Give me a minute.
32:47Oh, it's your uncle, Joe.
32:52What?
32:52Says jobs have been moved to next week.
32:54Same time, same car park.
32:58I don't know, Faye.
32:59It all just feels a bit dodgy.
33:01No, don't worry.
33:02Listen, my uncle's the big fucking cheese.
33:05Right?
33:06No, honestly, this will be good for us.
33:07All right.
33:08It will.
33:09Good for us, OK?
33:10What the bloody hell's going on?
33:14This runner is in trouble.
33:15Go see, fuck it.
33:16Do you know he's been round my gaff this morning,
33:18trying to get me to wank off in front of him?
33:19What?
33:20Vincent, Tomo here.
33:21What kind of wank?
33:22What kind of fucking question is that?
33:24There's only one wank, dude.
33:25I mean, come on, love.
33:26There's, I mean, this posh on your side, exotic,
33:29thrust, reverse, thrust, cat, cow.
33:30That would be good in the 80s, that one, obviously.
33:31Er, fruity, tootie, malevolent.
33:33OK.
33:34All right.
33:34Then, listen, he's been set up by Bruno Hodge.
33:37Bruno took TJ, and now he's keeping them both hostage at the school.
33:40He's obsessed with you.
33:40He's really weird.
33:41He wants to talk to you.
33:43Oh, that's fantastic news.
33:44Shall I see you there, then?
33:45And your classic spit and polish?
33:47Shut up!
33:48Come on!
33:48It's a beginner's one, aren't it?
33:49Yeah, yeah.
33:50Entry level.
33:50I know it well.
33:52Fuck you!
33:53Enough!
33:55What?
33:56What?
33:56I tell a couple of jokes and pull a couple of pranks,
33:58and you want me fucking dead?
33:59I didn't say dead.
34:02I heard the recording.
34:04TJ, I was fucking angry.
34:05Because you pulled the same shit yesterday that you did on the first day of school,
34:10and then every fucking day after that...
34:13We're just fucking kids stuff, Ronnie.
34:15We're not kids anymore, are we?
34:18I'm a fucking person.
34:24I'm a fucking real person.
34:28I'm not just some fucking runty little fucking smelly fucking shit that everyone could just
34:35fucking kick about and smack around the head and fucking have a go at all the time.
34:38It's all the fucking time.
34:42And I know why they do it.
34:44I do.
34:45And that's the most annoying part.
34:47Because I am a liar.
34:49I am a bullshitter.
34:51But if you've been told that since day one,
34:55that you're fucking nothing,
34:57that you're a piece of shit,
35:00by everyone all the fucking time,
35:03then you're going to start believing that, aren't you?
35:05And if you start believing that,
35:11then that's when you're going to be, innit?
35:25I just want to point out,
35:27the reason I locked you in that cupboard on day one
35:29is because you didn't get my fucking wallet.
35:32Did I?
35:32Yeah, you did.
35:34I forgot about that bit.
35:35And the nickname is...
35:40Probably the smartest thing I've ever come up with.
35:45It just stuck.
35:47I'm sorry.
35:52Hey.
35:55I'm sorry.
35:58Hey.
36:00I'm sorry.
36:01I'm sorry.
36:03Alright.
36:06Right.
36:07Fuck this.
36:09Right, should we get out of here?
36:12It's a bit...
36:13Oh, can't do something with your back.
36:14Oh, yeah.
36:15When it gets cold, man.
36:16It's just me hips, mate.
36:17Go on, you go and twat the door down.
36:19Three.
36:20I'm fucked.
36:20You do it.
36:21You do it.
36:23Help, guys.
36:25I'm sorry.
36:25Where has you been?
36:26I got stuck with an old lady about 60 miles away.
36:29It's a fucking long story.
36:30Right, come on.
36:30Come on.
36:30Can you smell petrol?
36:36Where is it?
36:37I don't know.
36:38Oh, Christ.
36:39I'm right here.
36:45If anyone moves, I'll drop the lighter and this place will go up in flames.
36:48Oh, yeah.
36:55Now.
36:58Hello, Vincent.
37:00Bruno.
37:00Bruno, listen.
37:02I can tell that you're really fucking upset, dude.
37:04I can tell.
37:05Upset?
37:06Yes.
37:07I know.
37:07I'm not upset.
37:09I'm enjoying this.
37:10Right.
37:11I've waited years for this moment to see the fear in your eyes.
37:18Right.
37:18It's working.
37:19I just...
37:19I'm wondering whether there might have been a bit of a misunderstanding gone down.
37:23I don't know what you're after.
37:26It's you I want.
37:27Right.
37:30I'll take all your clothes off.
37:33What the fuck is wrong with everyone?
37:34Take your fucking clothes off or I'll do something you regret.
37:37I'll see this place go up in flames.
37:39I swear down.
37:39I believe you, Bruno.
37:41I believe you.
37:42Why the fuck do you want me to get me kit off for you?
37:44Because you must pay.
37:47For fucking what, Bruno?
37:51Oh.
37:52You don't even remember, do you?
37:54I don't remember shit.
37:55I don't remember anything.
37:56I'm fucking stoned all the time.
37:58Yes.
37:58Well, let me refresh your fucking memory then.
38:022006.
38:03In the toilet.
38:05You pretended to be Mrs. Skloda.
38:08Humiliated me.
38:10I remember it.
38:12I remember it.
38:14It weren't me, though, dude.
38:16It was Dylan.
38:19I swear to God, I can't do voices.
38:20He can't.
38:21He was good with voices.
38:22Bad.
38:25It wasn't...
38:26It wasn't you.
38:28No!
38:33Well, where the fuck is he?
38:35Where the fuck is Dylan?
38:37He wasn't here last night.
38:38He died.
38:39Well...
38:44Well, someone pays.
38:47Someone has to pay for what I've gone through all my life.
38:51Do you know how many flaccid nights I've had because of you and your stupid fucking mate?
38:55Oi.
38:56Lots of information, isn't it?
38:57Well, it's too bad.
38:58Because I'm not leaving here until we're even.
39:00I want to be seen.
39:02Bruno!
39:07Ah, right on cue.
39:09If it isn't Runty Ronnie.
39:11Oi!
39:12Only I get to call him that.
39:14You fucking...
39:15You stop now.
39:16Right, Ronette, Ronette, don't.
39:17There's petrol all over the floor.
39:21Someone must pay!
39:22Enough!
39:24Get away with this, you mad fuck!
39:26Oh!
39:27Oh, fuck!
39:29Put up!
39:30Yeah, you.
39:34Sexy Mr. Mustache guy.
39:36Hold on.
39:38Ah-ha!
39:38Go on, Ronette!
39:39Buggy, yes!
39:40No, I see that.
39:41Well in, dude.
39:42Fuck you.
39:44Dude.
39:45Get him.
39:45Let's check you haven't killed him.
39:46It's all right.
39:47I'll check he's alive.
39:51Oh, here we go.
39:52Right, now, it's only a mock-up.
39:54Right, it's only a mock-up.
39:55I've got Liz to do a draft of the poster.
39:56What do we think?
39:57Come on, you're a crowd, please.
39:59I mean, Mrs. Waif, we're all right.
40:00What the fuck?
40:02Lovely.
40:03All right?
40:06You all right, Eddie?
40:07You all right?
40:08Hmm.
40:10I'm just, I'm sorry.
40:11I'm sorry for just causing this much of a shit stink again.
40:15It's not your fault.
40:18For once.
40:18Why didn't you tell me?
40:24What, what?
40:25Why didn't you tell me that you were being bullied?
40:28Come on, Eddie.
40:28Ronette, I would have done something about it.
40:30I wasn't going to do that.
40:31I couldn't do that.
40:32On top of all the other shit I was putting you through.
40:33You're still my brother.
40:35Hmm.
40:36All right, granted, yeah, you were a massive pain in the ass.
40:38I used to be a dick.
40:39No, you still are.
40:40Come on, star me.
40:41You still are.
40:41Right.
40:42But you're still my brother.
40:43Yeah.
40:44And I still love you.
40:47It's just, I don't want to be a fucking nutter anymore, Eddie.
40:50I mean, I want to be the brother you can be proud of, you know?
40:55I really do.
40:56And I fucking will be.
40:59All right?
41:00Come here.
41:02Ow, ow.
41:03What's in your hand?
41:04Ronette, what is in your hand?
41:05It's a fucking cash tin.
41:06Right, I just, I was in the headmaster's office.
41:08I wasn't going to leave it.
41:09Mind in it?
41:09Yeah.
41:10You mind in it?
41:10So now I'll keep hold of it.
41:11All right.
41:11I fucking love you, Eddie.
41:12I fucking love you.
41:17Christ.
41:18What are you doing?
41:20Dylan's got a piece of that sky.
41:23Do you know that?
41:24Has he?
41:24Mm-hmm.
41:25How come?
41:26He won a competition.
41:28He had a star named after him.
41:29Well, you kept that fucking quiet, didn't you?
41:31You shouldn't tie your fucking star.
41:33Yeah.
41:34Christ.
41:34Can you see all this, you arse of a man?
41:38Floppy-headed twat.
41:40Christ, it better be that bloody bright one there.
41:42That's a plane, Vin.
41:43No.
41:45I miss him.
41:47Me too.
41:48Ah.
41:50Black, black, is the colour of my life.
41:58Me and my husband, Vernon, we met at this night that Curtis started.
42:02I want us to have one last rave together.
42:05I'm hearing noises about an illegal rave.
42:08I can't do it and help me old mate, Matty Ravenscroft.
42:10Nobody move!
42:11I know a venue.
42:13Covered.
42:14There'll be no rave happening here.
42:15I know a venue.
42:15I know a venue.
42:16I know a venue.
42:16I know a venue.
42:17I know a venue.
42:17I know a venue.
42:18I know a venue.
42:18I know a venue.
42:19I know a venue.
42:20I know a venue.
42:20I know a venue.
42:21I know a venue.
42:21I know a venue.
42:22I know a venue.
42:22I know a venue.
42:23I know a venue.
42:24I know a venue.
42:25I know a venue.
42:26I know a venue.
42:26I know a venue.
42:27I know a venue.
42:28I know a venue.
42:29I know a venue.
42:30I know a venue.
42:31I know a venue.
42:32I know a venue.
42:33I know a venue.
42:34I know a venue.
42:35I know a venue.
42:36I know a venue.
42:37I know a venue.
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