- 3 months ago
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00:00The MomTalk takeover is everywhere.
00:02It's actually bizarre. I can't believe it.
00:03Like, Dance with the Stars, Bachelorette,
00:05the book. I'm like, this is crazy.
00:10Virtual reality.
00:13Lizzie Neely from Mormon Wives and Told You So.
00:16I am so excited to be talking to you
00:17twice today. I know. Two times.
00:20Well, because you have a lot to say because you have Told You So
00:22out and it is
00:24just so incredible how much
00:26of yourself you put into this book. Yes.
00:27There's a lot in there.
00:29We're barren at all.
00:30I was like, because you know when someone is releasing a memoir,
00:33I'm like, okay, how deep are we going to go?
00:35How was the mental preparation
00:37for it? I didn't prepare.
00:39There was no preparation.
00:41My husband was like, we should probably get you back in therapy
00:43while you read this book. And I was like,
00:46yes and no. I don't have time
00:47for therapy right now, but we do need
00:49to go back. Did you go back?
00:51Not yet. Okay. Do you feel like
00:53he was on, do you think you would want
00:55to revisit it after this?
00:57I mean, for sure. I think it would be
00:59useful for me. I think it's useful for
01:01anybody. So I think it's smart. I think
01:03regardless, even just being on the reality show,
01:05I'm like, I probably need it for all the
01:07crazies that that happens. Very fair.
01:08Just talk through it, you know?
01:10But also kind of like speaking of like therapy,
01:12do you feel the book kind of helped you process
01:14things that maybe were locked up for a while?
01:16Oh, for sure. Yeah. And like, I think
01:19just writing a book is therapeutic.
01:21Like, I think it's like healing for me in a way,
01:23you know? And that's why it's like,
01:25oh, you bury it all. It's like, I just,
01:26I feel like I was just writing almost like I would
01:28in my diary, right? Like that's kind of how it is.
01:30And it is very like therapeutic and healing
01:32for me to do that.
01:33And a large part of the book touches on
01:36your time growing up and going to college.
01:39And it's where you experienced assault.
01:40Yes. And you also then
01:43later on with a different guy,
01:45you found out you were pregnant.
01:46So you had a lot of life happening actually,
01:48but a lot of it you were doing privately.
01:52Because it's just like the shame of the Mormon
01:54or how you felt ashamed.
01:56Yes. No, a hundred percent.
01:57Like I was going through it.
01:58I think the hardest part of it was just feeling
02:00like I was alone, you know?
02:02I felt like a very alone through all of it.
02:04And so I think that's a big motivation
02:06on why I started social media
02:07and why I wrote the book is
02:08because I did feel so alone.
02:10I was like, I don't think I can relate to anyone.
02:11And like people are a lot more vulnerable online now,
02:14but especially like someone who was like Mormon,
02:16I was like, I don't know anyone like super religious,
02:18like who's going through this
02:19and like feels the shame and the guilt
02:20and all the things.
02:20And so that is like a big reason for the book.
02:23And I feel like it's such an added layer
02:25because in the book you talk a lot
02:26about BYU's honor code
02:28and how you can't even,
02:29it's one thing that you'd be afraid
02:31to open up to someone
02:32because you're like, oh, they might judge me
02:34because of our faith.
02:35It's another thing like, oh, I can't open up to them
02:37because they'll expel me.
02:38Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:39Like I was, yeah, I felt trapped in the moment
02:42at BYU because of the fact
02:44that they had the honor code
02:45and now they have different policies,
02:46which I talk about.
02:47Like there's different policies in place now
02:48for this exact reason.
02:50And luckily like it's a lot more open there.
02:53It is like getting more progressive.
02:54Like there's obviously some more work to do for sure.
02:57But you know, like we'll take a little,
02:59we'll take it for now.
03:00I know when I was talking to you over at SiriusXM,
03:03you said nobody got a heads up about this book.
03:05You had your dad and husband read advanced-ish copy?
03:09Yes, yes.
03:09But no one else knows what's in the context of the book?
03:12No.
03:12Just, yeah, my dad's the first one to fully read it, I think.
03:15And now I know that he's renamed Dick in the book,
03:20the man who assaulted you.
03:22So do you, is anybody in your life remotely
03:25in touch with him or no?
03:27No.
03:27Okay, so there's like no, okay, that's,
03:29which is kind of a blessing
03:30because you don't need him around your life, no.
03:32No, no, no.
03:33And do you feel like,
03:34will your friends and the people
03:35that were in your life at that time,
03:36though I'm sure would be able to kind of connect?
03:38Oh yeah, people who know me like well,
03:41like they'll know who it is, who I'm talking about.
03:43And like people who kind of like grew up around me,
03:45I think will know.
03:46And how was it kind of feeling being like,
03:48because even in, when you open up about
03:51your relationship with him,
03:53how he was so controlling,
03:56but you almost didn't know.
03:58It was because he was young.
04:00Yeah.
04:00And like you didn't,
04:01you just kind of thought that's what it,
04:02that's what it was.
04:03Yeah, no, I didn't know.
04:04And he would tell me all the time,
04:05like you don't know how to be a good girlfriend
04:06when you've never been in a serious relationship before,
04:08so you don't know how girlfriends are supposed to act.
04:10And so I was like, oh, maybe he's right.
04:11Like, I don't know.
04:12I was like 17 when I met him.
04:14So, and then like 18,
04:15I dated him to like 18, 19, you know.
04:17So I feel like I,
04:20which is like really manipulated by him
04:22to where he believed what he said, you know.
04:24And that's what kind of happens.
04:25It's like a trickle effect
04:26into where like you don't see it when you're in it
04:29until it's so obvious.
04:30It's like, then it's like, how do I get out?
04:32And like, that's like the next step, you know.
04:33And I feel like kind of really relates
04:35to a lot of the overarching topics
04:36you were discussing with your,
04:39with feeling shame for things
04:40where you're like that a lot of your upbringing
04:44with a lot of times like religion in general too,
04:47has a lot more shame on the woman.
04:49Oh, for sure.
04:49So do you feel that kind of really
04:51played a major factor into that as well?
04:53Yeah, no, for sure.
04:54I think like even going through my repentance process,
04:56my bishop, I felt like I was the one
04:58who had to take like the guilt
04:59and the blame for like everything happening.
05:01And so then I did put it on myself for a bit
05:04until like I grew up and I was like,
05:06no, that's not my fault.
05:07Like that's not how it's supposed to be.
05:09And I think that is why I've become more
05:12of like a feminist, I'd say, over the years,
05:13like which isn't as traditional in the Mormon faith,
05:15you know, it's because of my experiences.
05:16Like I live these things.
05:17I'm like, this is not fair.
05:19You know, like I like,
05:19once you really experience certain things like that,
05:21it changes your perspective.
05:23And do you feel,
05:23because I feel like you and a lot of the other girls
05:25on Mormon Wives, on Hulu,
05:27do you feel like they share a lot of thoughts
05:30where it's like we are becoming more feminist
05:32because we are feeling more in our power
05:34and we are having to be able to control
05:36our narratives for a change
05:37versus just fitting into boxes?
05:39A hundred percent.
05:40Yeah, I get, yeah.
05:41Yeah, you said it perfectly.
05:42I love it.
05:43So do you guys feel like,
05:44are they good people to lean on
05:45for those types of conversations?
05:47Yeah, for sure.
05:48I think we can all relate to each other
05:49to some extent,
05:50especially all growing up in the church.
05:52Like some people are ex-Mormons,
05:54some people are very active,
05:55some people are right in the middle,
05:56you know,
05:56and so I think it's nice to have the perspective
05:58like we're in the same career.
05:59We also kind of grew up with the same Mormon roots.
06:01So I feel like it's very nice to relate to,
06:03you know, your cast members and friends in that way.
06:05And when you guys,
06:06because a lot of you have kids,
06:07when you guys talk about raising kids
06:09and so many of you have dealt with things
06:11that you were dealt with
06:11where you're like,
06:12I was ashamed to even have a cup of tea,
06:14let alone say that I was assaulted by a boyfriend.
06:18Yeah.
06:19How do you guys talk about navigating modern parenting
06:22with a Mormon lens?
06:24I think we all have like similar ideas behind it.
06:28I don't want to speak for everyone,
06:29but like from what I understand,
06:31yeah,
06:31it's like pretty similar.
06:32Like just being like,
06:33being very open-minded with our kids,
06:34being very open,
06:35like not having secrets
06:36or acting like things are bad.
06:38Because I think we,
06:39in the church a lot of times,
06:40like even sex has talked about like,
06:42oh,
06:42it's like just don't do it until you're married.
06:43And then it's also,
06:44you get married,
06:44it's like free game.
06:45It's like,
06:45it's confusing.
06:46And so it's like,
06:46I think talking about it more openly,
06:48like it's natural,
06:49like it's part of life,
06:50like everyone does this,
06:51you know?
06:51So that's not like some secretive,
06:53like naughty,
06:54like thing.
06:55You know what I mean?
06:56Like,
06:56I feel like we all have similar ideas on like being open about stuff in our past,
07:00even being like,
07:01yeah,
07:01I made mistakes.
07:02Like it's okay to make mistakes.
07:03Like I want to prevent you from making them.
07:05But if you do like,
07:06that's okay.
07:07Like we're going to work through it.
07:08And like,
07:08I,
07:09I'm here for you,
07:10you know?
07:10That's good.
07:11And I feel,
07:11speaking of like feeling support almost in maybe surprising ways,
07:16I was really shocked.
07:17Cause when,
07:17um,
07:18the chapter,
07:19when,
07:19after you told your family that you were pregnant,
07:21and you had to like,
07:22your sister made you go have all the conversations at BYU,
07:25I was really expecting a different type of chapter.
07:27Me too.
07:28Cause they,
07:29everyone you were met with such kindness,
07:30such grace.
07:32Take me back to how was that?
07:34It was very shocking for you.
07:35Very shocking.
07:36I was so scared to talk to BYU.
07:38Cause I was like,
07:38they're going to kick me out.
07:40They're going to think I'm the devil.
07:41Like,
07:42I was like so worried.
07:43Um,
07:44but I was met with such kindness and like,
07:46I,
07:47the people that I met with too,
07:48like I do like those people.
07:48I just was shocked.
07:49I like how well they treated me.
07:51Like Tom Homo is the athletic director.
07:53He just,
07:53uh,
07:54recently retired there.
07:55He like forever impacted my life with like what he said about him saying like,
07:59and it's like word for word.
08:00Like I was like,
08:00I made a mistake.
08:01And he's like,
08:02a baby is never a mistake.
08:03And like,
08:03it changed my life.
08:04Cause I was like,
08:05you're right.
08:05Like,
08:05I think that was the first time I looked at it.
08:07Like you didn't like,
08:08it's not like I just screwed up.
08:10It was like,
08:10yeah,
08:10like I didn't make the best choices and it led to this,
08:13but it's not a mistake.
08:13Like this was meant to happen.
08:15Um,
08:16and like,
08:16yeah,
08:16I was just met with such kindness from everyone there that like,
08:18it really changed my perspective.
08:20And like,
08:20it made me want to go back if it was different.
08:22I don't know if I would have,
08:23I mean,
08:23I may have finished college,
08:24but it wouldn't have been there.
08:25That is true.
08:26Yeah,
08:26no,
08:26exactly.
08:27That's very true.
08:27Because that's why I was like,
08:29and I wondered,
08:29I was wondering too,
08:30and I don't know if you even know the answer.
08:32I was like,
08:33is it because they were at a college?
08:35So they kind of were like,
08:37okay,
08:37we have these beliefs and concerns that we know we're,
08:40we're working with a lot of kids,
08:43like in their late teens,
08:44early twenties,
08:45who are going to have situations like this.
08:46Oh,
08:46a hundred percent.
08:47I think that's definitely part of it.
08:48I think also like two of the three people I met with,
08:51like I did know them and I'd like see them and say hi around kids.
08:54Like I knew them,
08:54you know,
08:55and I'm not saying that's why they were like lenient with me,
08:56but it's like,
08:57I had a relationship with them too,
08:59like where it was always like a good relationship.
09:01I wasn't a hard student to work with.
09:03Like they weren't like getting complaints about me.
09:05Like it's always like,
09:07you know,
09:07it was always fairly easy,
09:08I think.
09:10But yeah,
09:10I think it's just my,
09:11my perspective on BYU.
09:12Yeah.
09:13It has its flaws,
09:13but I'm like overall when people ask me,
09:15I'm like,
09:15I had a great experience because I was treated well.
09:17I loved most of my professors.
09:19Like I like overall got a good education and like had a good experience overall,
09:22even though there was some bad parts to it,
09:25too,
09:25you know?
09:25And I am curious,
09:26because I know you said that you were thinking of going back into therapy to prepare for,
09:29or like while reliving everything in the book,
09:31but it's going to be reliving in a new way,
09:33which you're no stranger to doing reality TV where life people then get to watch what you did
09:37and then have thoughts on it.
09:38Yeah.
09:39How are,
09:40and of course it's like one thing like online noise can just be noise,
09:43but like for people that maybe are like,
09:45even people from your college are like,
09:47why didn't you tell me,
09:47you know what I mean?
09:48Are you kind of thinking that there are some people from your life that could be hitting you with questions like that?
09:53Oh,
09:54I think no matter what,
09:54that's going to happen naturally.
09:56And I,
09:57I feel like when it's from the outside of my family,
10:00I'm like,
10:00whatever,
10:01like I'm not worried about it or like stress.
10:03I think family,
10:04it gets a little more worrisome,
10:06but it's also like,
10:07I think it's hard for them,
10:08anyone to understand less if you lived it,
10:10you know?
10:10And so I think once I explained that,
10:11they'll understand because I think my sister's even like,
10:13what?
10:14My sister,
10:14Lauren,
10:15even like,
10:15I was there with you all the time.
10:16Like,
10:16why didn't you tell me?
10:17Like I,
10:18usually I would have helped you.
10:18It would have been there.
10:19I'm like,
10:19I'm like,
10:20I understand,
10:20but like you would have probably told dad and then dad would have like maybe go back to home to Calum,
10:24which it happened anyways.
10:25But like,
10:26I just didn't know what to do.
10:27Like I was young and I was trying to navigate it.
10:29Like I didn't know,
10:30like I was trying my best at the time,
10:31you know,
10:31I just,
10:32I didn't know what I was doing.
10:33What would the you in college going through all that think of you now?
10:37Oh my gosh.
10:38Like I would be shocked to see where I am now.
10:40Cause like,
10:40I literally like thought like,
10:42Oh,
10:42like my life is over.
10:43Like I wrote about that.
10:44Like I'm done.
10:45Like there's no career for me.
10:46There's nothing for me,
10:47you know?
10:48And then,
10:48um,
10:49again,
10:49like that's why I called my son my saving grace is cause he changed my life.
10:52Like I made me more motivated,
10:53more driven.
10:54Like I had to use my time so wisely being a single mom.
10:57Like time was so precious that I learned to use it very wisely.
11:01And I became a lot like harder worker.
11:03I feel like I was coasting for a while in school.
11:04I was just like,
11:05not really going to class.
11:06It's like,
11:06whatever.
11:06Like I'm going to be a stay home mom,
11:08you know,
11:08marry a rich husband.
11:09Like not sure where that mindset was coming from,
11:11but that definitely changed.
11:13I was going to,
11:14it's because I remember,
11:14like two things in the book that would happen.
11:17Like you're like,
11:18okay,
11:18well I'm not going to work.
11:19You're working nonstop now.
11:20And B,
11:20you were really worried that like,
11:22okay,
11:22now I'm after I have this kid,
11:24no one will want to like,
11:25you're like a lot of Mormon men won't want to marry me.
11:27Yeah.
11:27And I was actually,
11:28I will say I was shocked.
11:29Like,
11:30I'm like,
11:30I had so many guys wanted to date me.
11:32And no,
11:32I don't mean that.
11:32I'm not going to be cocky by any means,
11:34but like,
11:35I was shocked at how many guys like didn't care or like,
11:38we're so open to being like,
11:39Oh,
11:39and I was like,
11:40I don't know.
11:40I think it's just because the stereotypes in your head and then being like,
11:42Oh,
11:42they want like the perfect wife or whatever.
11:44I just realized I'm like,
11:45if you want that,
11:46then I'm not your person.
11:47That's true.
11:47Yeah.
11:48And it's also,
11:48it's a stereotype is one thing,
11:49but it's also like things,
11:50random things getting instilled into you that like,
11:53maybe you're not even based in truth.
11:54You know what I mean?
11:54Cause it's like,
11:55people are like,
11:55yeah,
11:56so what like,
11:56yeah.
11:57And exactly.
11:58Yeah.
11:58So I think I was shocked.
11:59And weirdly enough,
12:00it was always like,
12:01it's not like they were that younger,
12:02but it was always a younger boys who like wanted to date.
12:05Oh,
12:05I always dated older boys.
12:08I swear.
12:08I became a single mom.
12:09They were always like at least a year younger,
12:11sometimes two.
12:12Once I was two,
12:13I was like,
12:13you're like,
12:14no,
12:14I'm not being a mom for you in college.
12:16It's weird.
12:16If it,
12:16if once you get out of college,
12:17it's not as weird to have that,
12:19like,
12:19you know,
12:19but like,
12:20I think in college,
12:20it's like,
12:20that is very true.
12:21And of course,
12:21cause we have Mormon.
12:22You have the new season coming back next month.
12:25This book out now,
12:26the more,
12:27the,
12:27the mom talk takeover is everywhere.
12:29It's actually bizarre.
12:30I can't believe it.
12:31Like dance with the stars,
12:32bachelorette,
12:33the book.
12:34I'm like,
12:34this is crazy.
12:35And I mean,
12:35this is a major bucket list moment.
12:36Do you have other things on the bucket list?
12:38I mean,
12:38I'm going to have to add some.
12:40I don't just yet.
12:41Cause this was it.
12:42And now that we're here,
12:43I'm like,
12:43okay,
12:43what's I'm always looking for like,
12:45what's next,
12:45even though I do need to live in this moment,
12:47but we'll see.
12:48I'm,
12:49I have a lot of passions,
12:50hobbies.
12:50So we'll see where we go.
12:52I do love that because it is such a thing where like,
12:53we all get so caught up and being like,
12:55Oh,
12:55I want to do that.
12:55And I want to do that.
12:56But like your book is out.
12:57Yeah.
12:58I'm trying to sit in this moment.
12:59Cause I'm like,
12:59this is like my 10 year goal and it's here.
13:01So I'm like,
13:02I need to sit in it.
13:03I need to be excited with it.
13:04And then we'll move on.
13:05I was like,
13:05you literally told me that you saw in a notes app like years ago that you were
13:07like,
13:08I want to write a book.
13:09Yeah.
13:09I was like,
13:10I'm going to write a book.
13:11Like,
13:11and yeah,
13:12I wrote,
13:12I think it was like May,
13:132020,
13:14like in my note,
13:15like when I wrote that note.
13:16Yeah.
13:16And here we are.
13:17Well,
13:17congratulations again.
13:18And thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me.
13:20Everybody go,
13:20if I told you so right now,
13:21because it really is so good.
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