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00:00Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. Old time is still a-flying, and this same flower that smiles
00:13today, tomorrow will be dying. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. The Latin term for this sentiment
00:28is carpe diem. Seize the day! An amateur production of Dead Poets Society, directed and produced and
00:36abridged by Alan Partridge, it's a powerful clarion call, imploring us to both live life to the full
00:42and educate our children privately. Because we are food for worms, boys. Yes, believe it or not,
00:51one day each and every one of us in this room will stop breathing, turn cold, and die.
01:00And while the production ran for just three spellbinding nights, the words of Mr. Keating,
01:04the lead character, my character, have never left me. Carpe diem. See you. Good day, boys.
01:18Make your lives extraordinary. It was a valuable learning experience for me, the audience,
01:25and the kids in the story played by these men. Fast dismissed. But can seizing the day
01:32improve our mental health? Welcome to How Are You? It's Alan Partridge. How are you?
01:40When mental health problems strike, many people like to shake the etch-a-sketch and try something
01:49new. Whether it be yoga, Peloton, women over 50 sometimes dye their hair blue, and that seems
01:55to help them. A friend of mine was dumped by his girlfriend and went so far as joining ISIS
01:59for a fortnight, but left in a dispute over food. But does any of this actually work? Well,
02:05this week I intend to find out as I navigate a slightly shaky patch in my personal life.
02:12And you will have a ringside seat for what will be an intensely personal episode.
02:17Too sausagey.
02:18As I bravely let the cameras into my own life.
02:21Do you want a tangerine?
02:22No, I don't actually.
02:24Okay.
02:28I used to bring Katrina here in the first flush of romance and carved K-E, Katrina Ellis,
02:37for AP. Alan Partridge on a dozen diseased trees while she took selfies and read her phone.
02:43But since I'm no longer in that relationship, which is all good, all good, K-E for AP no longer
02:51applies. But rather than remove the sign with electric sander, I decided to amend the sign
02:58with my Swiss army knife, which goes everywhere with me, to read quite simply, keep out for
03:04area private. Keep out of this area, for this area is a private area, which I think is an
03:09elegant solution. I've taken the negative of a failed relationship and turned it into the
03:13positive of a sign I've been meaning to put up anyway. Not that it's necessarily a negative.
03:18I feel free. I feel good. I wish the same for her. I should have seen it coming. There
03:25are signs. We stopped tickling each other. She started locking the bathroom door when
03:32she was having a shower, pretending she couldn't hear me knocking in just a towel. And then
03:35my assistant found a prophylactic in the footwell of the car, which I knew wouldn't have been
03:41mine. I don't like them. It spoils the feeling. And that's when it all fell into place.
03:48No. Yes. No. No. No. Wait, did you just put the no in the yes pile?
04:17I put her with a nose, see? No, no, no. This one. This one. She was a no. But she's very
04:25presentable. Presentable? Lynn, we're not into... This is not... Paddington Bear's presentable.
04:30I don't want to go out with him. Online dating. Like many men my age, I've often fired up Tinder
04:38after half a bottle of wine purely to see what's out there. Now, as a newly single bachelor,
04:43I'm taking a more considered approach. You know, it's like looking at the cast list for songs of
04:49praise. All these high necks and low hems. I suppose you want it the other way around.
04:55Well, yes, I do. If you want to push me. Yes, I do, Lynn. What, you could always go out to a sleazy
05:00disco and find yourself a strumpet? Lynn, there is a happy medium. Yeah? And I would like a medium,
05:06by the way. And don't try and get around it on a technicality by booking me dinner with a large
05:12clairvoyant and claiming, well, she's a medium, because I know you. You do need to look at their
05:17personalities. Yeah, we'll get to that. That's the next round. And round three is kids.
05:23But seizing the day for better mental health isn't just about romantic affection,
05:28which is why I'm getting out and reviving platonic relationships too.
05:31A pub quiz is not a measure of intelligence. I've seen pub quizzes won by a team of postmen
05:37before now. It's more for men to mix with other men and talk about personal issues under the veneer
05:44of a trivia quiz. For some reason, it seems to find it easier to talk about an upsetting divorce
05:51or a bum complaint while shouting out the dates of famous battles. And tonight promises to be extra
05:58special because I've not quizzed with my friends for a year as Katrina thought they wore cheap
06:03trainers. Okay, probably my fault. I didn't let them know I was coming. And as I said to them,
06:10totally fine to have replaced me as a team member. I was away for a year. And you don't want to be
06:16going into a quiz as tough as that with a member down. That would be like turning up with a water
06:20pistol to the Battle of the Somme, which began on the 1st of July, 1960, which I'm sure they'll know.
06:25Oh, this is the music man. I used to love this. Antics Roadshow. Yeah, and they were totally,
06:32they couldn't have been nicer about the whole thing. Casualty, original version. Yes, and in the
06:37replacement of me with Ollie Denvers, very shrewd choice. Ollie has a great knowledge of literature
06:45because when his wife left him, he read all her books in an attempt to win her back. It didn't work,
06:51but it left him with an encyclopedic knowledge of women's literature.
06:58Just Good Friends. Yeah? They're scratching their heads. I'm going to have to tell them.
07:06God, God. Where would they be without me?
07:08Just Good Friends. Yeah, the 80s sitcom. Just Good Friends. There's more that can be said
07:20for you lot. Yeah. Actually, I love those guys. Ski Sunday.
07:31When a car's that far behind, that close, I want to pull over and say, excuse me, when you walk
07:47along the street, do you walk along the street with your nose pressed against the arse of the
07:50person in front of you? Because that's what you're doing with me. Psychologists believe
07:55in displacement anger, a phenomenon in which rage at one thing comes out in response to
07:59something else. But in this case, the woman was just a very poor driver.
08:03Take your nose out of my bottom. I've never met you before. I'll have to slam on my anchor
08:07so he goes rams into the back of me. I'm fully covered. You've probably got third-party
08:13fire and theft, you piece of shit. I'm sorry. How are you?
08:23I'm seeing what seizing the day can do for my mental health. And while for me, Sundays are
08:28about slobbing around in tracky bottoms, watching documentaries about collapsing bridges. Today,
08:34I'm trying something more dignified. Since 1980, church attendance in Britain has almost halved.
08:42Do you want a few more? But here in the church of John the Baptist in Norwich,
08:46things are no different than they were in 1980, including their clothes.
08:50Alan, do you want to help her? She's always pushing.
08:52You can see where the seats are. So what's the big idea? Well, churchgoers like my assistant,
08:58Lynn, go on about an inner peace that comes from worship. And today, I've agreed to give it a go.
09:07And while I quickly realized it wasn't for me, what with all the smiling and having to
09:11kneel down, I was more than happy to stay. You see, I'm what you'd call a Christo skeptic. And I've
09:23always filed God under pleasant but far-fetched, the same bracket as Santa and female Doctor Who's.
09:28Walk in the light.
09:30Walk in the light.
09:31Clearly, Jesus was a decent chap, albeit with heavy Lib Dem vibes, but I've always been unmoved
09:36by his message, and today is no exception.
09:38Walk in the light.
09:40But mine was a watching brief, and with the sing-song finally over,
09:43Walk in the light.
09:45I was happy to give my tips on improving the audience experience.
09:48So first of all, hallelujah for ditching the cold wooden benches and going with the cushioned seats.
09:53Also, I think if you'd retained the wooden benches, you'd be ruling out anyone with haemorrhoids.
09:57And right there, you'd be halving your congregation.
10:00So, full marks on the cushions. The problem is the band.
10:03I don't care how holy they are, they've got to go.
10:07If I want to listen to four bald men playing guitars, I'll listen to Will of the Wisps down at the Boxley Wheat Chief,
10:13who, to be fair, are pretty tight. They've got a good sound.
10:18But the church has to modernize, and I said one word to you, didn't I, Lynn?
10:22Synthesizer.
10:23Synthesizer. And I said a few other words.
10:25Can't remember.
10:26Simmons electronic drum kit with adjustable volume.
10:29I see no reason why, within three years, the church should not be fully electronic.
10:35It's an exciting thought, isn't it?
10:37Oh, yes.
10:38Yeah.
10:39Yes.
10:42I'm pleased to say the church has since invested in volume-controllable drums,
10:47although my intervention has rubbed some of the older ones up the wrong way,
10:50and I don't go any more.
10:53In a church setting, electronic drum kits offer a more controlled, clean and adaptable sound,
10:58reducing stage noise while ensuring a balanced mix.
11:01But try telling that to this lot.
11:03And so, after all this talk of the last supper, I'm off for a first cuppa,
11:13with a woman I met on a dating website.
11:16To some people, modern dating is too cold and detached.
11:19They say that choosing a partner should be different from choosing an air fryer.
11:23I take a different view.
11:25With a larger pool of dates to choose from online, there's less need to pussyfoot,
11:29allowing both parties to be honest and save time.
11:33I've cut dates short after just a few minutes, and vice versa.
11:37One woman told me, thanks, but no thanks.
11:40Your shoulders are too narrow, and the ear on the right-hand side of your head
11:43sits slightly higher than the ear on the left-hand side of your head.
11:45Both perfectly fair comments.
11:47Some people don't take it too well.
11:49I told one date that I preferred women who don't wear glasses.
11:53She said, is that so they can't see what you look like properly?
11:55And whilst I laughed in the moment, I did think, what a nasty woman.
12:01But this afternoon, I do have a date.
12:05All set?
12:06Not with her.
12:07Yes.
12:12Pop the heated seat on. I know you like that.
12:14Yes, I love it.
12:15It's level one.
12:16Don't want to boil your arse.
12:19First dates are always fraught with uncertainty.
12:22For peace of mind, I arrange to meet in a coffee shop with a big window
12:26and have my assistant take a photo from a state-of-the-art camera phone.
12:30Go.
12:32We then compare it with my date's profile picture to see if there's been a breach of trust.
12:37How do I zoom in?
12:39Just widen your fingers.
12:40What?
12:41On the screen.
12:42Oh.
12:44Yeah, that's the back of her head.
12:45Well, she turned away.
12:46Right.
12:47Well, I'm going to have to get her to turn around, but this time be ready.
12:50Right.
12:54Hello?
12:55Hello.
12:56Of course, in traffic, I'm afraid.
12:58That's all right.
12:59Interesting fact about the building opposite you.
13:01There's a nest under the eaves that they say belongs to a couple of black-winged kites.
13:05But you have to look quite closely.
13:10Are you looking?
13:11Yeah.
13:14Anyway, as I say, I'll be about ten minutes.
13:16Why are you saying you're ten minutes away when we both know you're not?
13:19I can hear the same ambulance down the phone as I can outside this place, so you're not ten minutes away.
13:26I don't appreciate being spied on.
13:31Well, that's a shame.
13:33She must have been pretty smart to piece that together.
13:35You said you quite like clever women.
13:38No, I said I liked quite clever women.
13:40Then, crucial difference.
13:42I forgot to say my girlfriend, Katrina, left me for my best friend, Daryl Flench.
13:47Daryl's friends are Katrina's.
13:48You can see they're Range Rovers.
13:50Oh, yeah.
13:55Yeah, when the three of us were all parked next to each other, it was red, white and blue.
14:00It used to look like the Union flag, wrongly called the Union Jack.
14:04But without me, it's just the St George's flag.
14:07Well, that makes you Scotland.
14:09Yeah, quite like Scotland.
14:10The Romans never conquered the Scots.
14:12Nope.
14:13That's what Hadrian's War was all about.
14:14I mean, those two won't know that. They're thick as pig shit.
14:16Shall I bang the horn?
14:17No.
14:18No, I'm not going to.
14:20But none of this is to diminish the pain of a break-up.
14:23You can throw yourself into new experiences, but studies show that anxiety is common in the aftermath.
14:29Particularly if she's being a bitch.
14:31This came as well.
14:33There's no stamp on it?
14:34It's from next door. She wants a record player back.
14:37Oh, well, if she wants a record player back, just tell her she can prize it from my cold, dead hands.
14:43I replaced the stylus, I changed the speakers, so yes, you can whistle Dixie.
14:47Oh, it doesn't even know what that is.
14:49She won't even know the tune.
14:51She won't.
14:52No.
14:53Do you know the tune, Lynn?
14:54Well, if she wants it back, she'll have to lawyer up.
15:09In fact, can you ring my lawyer up?
15:10Yeah.
15:11Do you know the Yellow Rose of Texas?
15:12Yes.
15:13Do you like Confederate songs?
15:14I love them.
15:16That makes sense.
15:18I feel sad for Katrina, and wish her every success in moving on.
15:23But that's not the same as rolling over.
15:26And that means decisive action.
15:33Where is he?
15:34Okay, look, we're going to have to jivvy him along.
15:36He charges by the hour.
15:37And part of an hour.
15:38And if he can eek it past 60 minutes, then I get charged the same amount again.
15:42Don't worry, I've got my game face on.
15:44Yeah, what game's that?
15:45Battleships.
15:46Sorry about that.
15:47I've eaten into your time a little bit, haven't I?
15:50Yeah.
15:51I, er, was just digging out your file.
15:54Yeah, I can see the crumbs on your tie.
15:57Oh, indeed.
15:58Well, just thought I'd squeeze in a quick sandwich while I was...
16:01Digging out my file.
16:02Right.
16:03Take a seat.
16:04Now, how are you?
16:07Good.
16:08And how, may I ask?
16:09As is Lynn.
16:10How's all done?
16:11Fine.
16:12Everyone we know is fine.
16:13Righty-taty.
16:15Now, er, in your email, you requested that I look into the legal situation with regards to items that have been contested in the aftermath of a breakup.
16:29Namely, one, a record player, two...
16:35Don't help me.
16:37No, I will.
16:38It was a Pog and Paul fridge worth £5,000 that she coerced me into buying for her.
16:42How did she coerce you?
16:43She gratified me physically in a way that she had previously declined to entertain.
16:50What are you doing?
16:52Soaking a bowl of sweat.
16:53Okay.
16:54Now, you asked me to consider your claims in the light of all this, and I have...
17:06Done so.
17:07Bottom line it.
17:08Start with the record player.
17:09The issue...
17:10Sorry, would you like a...
17:11No.
17:12The issue, insofar as it pertains to the question, is whether the record player has been co-earned for long enough, er, so that it meets the definition of joint use.
17:24Now, as far as I know, it was in your home for, er...
17:28Thirteen months.
17:29Let me see, er, that's January, February...
17:32Thirteen months.
17:33March.
17:34April, that's right.
17:35Graeme, Graeme, it's thirteen months.
17:37Now, er, what I need from you is a detailed account of the timeline.
17:43It's all in the email, Graeme.
17:45Ah, just fine.
17:46Have it again.
17:47Alan Gordon Partridge met Katrina Ellis thirteen months ago, began romantic liaison, co-purchased
17:54record player on her credit card but kept in his house. Fancy fridge on his credit card but in her house.
17:59He replaces Stylis. She ends relationship and requests appliance back. Alan refuses, sought advice, end a story. Send a letter please, thank you and goodbye.
18:06There you go.
18:08You're back on the Red Bull.
18:10Bye.
18:14How are you?
18:19Deciding to grab life by the horns isn't without its challenges. Some people will seek to hamper and obstruct.
18:25In my case, my former partner has taken issue with my new, tougher attitude. The following private conversation is broadcast here with my permission.
18:34Oh, Katrina. Lovely to see you.
18:36You've got my record player.
18:37Ah, yes, it's in the garage. Help yourself. It might sound a bit crackly, though, because I put the old stylus back on, having removed the one that I paid for.
18:44Whatever.
18:45Oh, and, uh, bad news. Um, yeah. Two mice have eaten through your Bose speakers.
18:51F- Well, how's that happened?
18:53Because I rubbed some cheese on.
18:55That's mature.
18:56Mock me on the cheese. Ha-ha-ha. Hey, how's your big brown boy?
19:00Daryl is fine, thank you. No hard feelings whatsoever.
19:05Oh. You should tell him to try Viagra.
19:08All right, I'll tell him next week at the Bahrain Grand Prix.
19:12What, you got tickets for the Grand Prix in the stands, probably?
19:17Pit lane access, full hospitality package. If you've got the money, you're more than welcome to join us.
19:22Do I want to fly to the Middle East and get heat stroke while I watch some men change tyres quickly? Hmm.
19:29I think I'd rather be on a long-haul flight in economy class in the middle seat with Noel Edmonds on one side and another Noel Edmonds on the other.
19:40And guess who the air stewardess is? It's Noel Edmonds.
19:43Pathetic.
19:45I was enjoying seizing the day, but what I didn't realise was that the freedom to try new things was leaving me dangerously untethered.
19:55Arse of the person in front of you.
19:57My encounter with Katrina had gone well, with friends agreeing the Noel Edmonds line was as good as anything you'd hear from a professional comedian.
20:04I now know I should have left it there.
20:06Alan Partroy.
20:08What an audience. What an audience. Yeah, looking good. Looking good. Where are you from?
20:16Norwich.
20:17And where are you from?
20:19Norwich.
20:20And where are you from?
20:21Norwich.
20:22Where are you from?
20:23Norwich.
20:24And where are you from?
20:26Norwich.
20:29What else has been going on?
20:31I went to the supermarket the other day, down there, and I got there and I thought, I could not believe how many milks there are.
20:39We've got too many milks!
20:42Come on!
20:43Oat milk.
20:44Hemp milk.
20:45Soya milk.
20:46Rice milk.
20:47Buffalo milk.
20:49Condensed milk.
20:52I mean, the list goes, I've got them down here.
20:54Potato milk.
20:56You don't get chips from a cow.
20:59I've got a bit about gender stuff, can't do that, because the bar person said he is one.
21:04Um...
21:05Um...
21:06Oh, this is a funny...
21:07No, I can't do that, they found that body.
21:08So what else has been going on?
21:10Hey, you're at a lower.
21:11You look like you are.
21:12Was that because I bullied you earlier?
21:13Yeah?
21:14Because you were getting at that.
21:15Just wind your neck in.
21:16Looking at the footage now, I see a troubled funny man indeed.
21:20Fucking crucified you, mate.
21:22For while others say it was objectively funny, with strong gags and good crowd work,
21:26to me something feels off, like seeing a tattooed toddler or Nick Ferrari dancing.
21:32While some might draw pleasure from jetting off to the Bahrain Grand Prix,
21:36where the flag is as chequered as Bahrain's human rights record,
21:39true joy for me comes from helping others.
21:42If I want to find mental contentment, it's not my day I need to seize, it's someone else's.
21:49But who to help?
21:50During my time as a radio DJ, I received thousands of letters from listeners, and I binned them all.
21:56But pottering in my office recently, I found one.
21:59Spixworth resident Gillian Groves was one of the show's most prolific contributors.
22:03Along with Diane Bowe and Patricia Dove, she was one of the big three,
22:07never short of a reason to complain about anything from dogfowling to Romanians.
22:12That was Nasty Manx Oasis, with one of their songs.
22:16Yes, indeed.
22:18Now, all week we have been giving shout outs to listeners in need of a good old fashioned cheer up.
22:23We've had quite a few sad stories, no time to go through them all,
22:26but to sum up, we have had shed blew away, horse destroyed, hairdresser moved.
22:32Find another one.
22:33Granny swindled and bad porn found.
22:39But one that stood out for us was from Gillian Groves,
22:41a retired nurse in Spixworth.
22:43Take time.
22:44Who writes, who writes,
22:46I always enjoyed the two fingered Cadbury's time out bars.
22:49They may not be fashionable or cool.
22:51They probably don't eat them on yachts or in Buckingham Palace.
22:55But they brought a lot of joy to a lot of people.
22:58When Cadbury's stopped making them, my family were really angry.
23:02We've been trying to contact Cadbury's,
23:04but we've been met with a veritable wall of silence.
23:08Not so much as a whisper.
23:10Yeah, a Cadbury's whisper.
23:12Which is why I said it.
23:13Yeah, come on, Cadbury's.
23:14I mean, it's not much to ask.
23:16You know, a retired nurse devoted a whole life to the care of...
23:19A dental nurse.
23:20Is it?
23:21Yeah.
23:22Oh, well, alright then.
23:23A dental nurse spent a whole life chatting to people
23:26and providing pink water
23:28should be able to eat her preferred chocolate wafer.
23:31As long as she brushes her teeth afterwards.
23:33Well, she'll know that.
23:34Of course she will.
23:35She will know.
23:36As you can see, Gillian was in desperate need of a mental health boost.
23:39And I intend to give it to her right now.
23:44She's away on a coach trip, leaving me and a few willing volunteers
23:4724 hours to make a difference to her mental health
23:50by sprucing up her terrible house.
23:53Right.
23:54I'm here with two strippers.
23:57No, not that kind.
23:59You wouldn't want these two taking their clothes off while staring into your eyes.
24:03Maybe you would.
24:04Maybe you would.
24:05Right, lads?
24:06Yeah, good.
24:07Great.
24:09Just stripping wallpaper, eh?
24:11Yep.
24:12There.
24:13Oh, I'll leave you to it then, yeah.
24:23And no slacking.
24:25Tea breaks every hour.
24:26Keep my eye on you two.
24:28I later learned this decorator was fitted with a catheter
24:31which needed emptying every hour.
24:33But that does not explain why his friend had to go too.
24:36Come on, gather.
24:3818 hours later and the renovation is complete.
24:41Margaret Thatcher would be proud of you
24:43which means I am proud of you
24:45because you work for absolutely nothing.
24:48Don't forget, you're the cogs.
24:50Without you the machine stops working.
24:53But keep that under your hat, yeah?
24:55Wouldn't want it getting around.
24:58Seriously though, you know, if whatever you do for a living
25:00someone from a union comes up and starts bending your ear about working conditions
25:04just tell the bods upstairs, leave it to them.
25:06And give yourselves a round of applause.
25:15You don't come out until I say surprise, yeah?
25:17You did it so badly when we practiced it.
25:25Gillian?
25:26Yes.
25:27Gillian Groves?
25:28Yes.
25:29Surprise!
25:30Gillian, you wrote to me several years ago
25:34when I was a DJ at North Norfolk Digital.
25:36I wrote to lots of people.
25:37Okay, well I haven't forgotten you
25:39and we decided today it was time to give you something you won't forget.
25:42A brand new house.
25:44You've bought me a house?
25:45No, but we've taken a room in your old house
25:47and made it look, made it seem like a new...
25:49Is that mine?
25:50Doesn't matter about that. You come with me.
25:51Island Partridge.
25:53That's right.
25:54So, let's have a look at your new home.
25:56Walk into your house.
26:02This was her lounge before.
26:04But now...
26:05Here you go.
26:17There.
26:18Wow.
26:19I think we like this.
26:23Yeah.
26:24Yeah.
26:25You're all right.
26:26You're all right.
26:28Hey?
26:29Lovely isn't it?
26:30Marvellous.
26:31Is it finished?
26:33On time and on budget.
26:34Are the walls just gonna be white?
26:37Gonna be white.
26:38They are white.
26:39It's a bit different from what it was before.
26:41Yeah, different's good.
26:42I like change.
26:43Is that my chair out there?
26:45Er, in the skit.
26:47That's your old chair.
26:48You've got a nice brand new chair.
26:49It's good to change things, Gillian.
26:53Where's my little horse pulling a cart with barrels on it?
26:56Oh, you mean the ceramic horse pulling the miniature beer barrels?
26:59Yeah, I've got to say, Gillian,
27:01that was pretty horrible.
27:03I think most people thought that.
27:06Oh, I liked it.
27:08You didn't like it, Gillian.
27:10You were just used to it.
27:12I would love to live here.
27:15I really would.
27:20Change is always unsettling,
27:21but in the end,
27:22after each volunteer had spoken to Maureen separately,
27:25we managed to make her see
27:26that she did like the new room after all.
27:28Who told you I'd like this?
27:31And so, thanks to these exciting new experiences,
27:34I've learned for better mental health,
27:36I need to seize the day.
27:37Make your lives extraordinary.
27:39And I hope others will seize the day too.
27:41Together we can all be Caesars,
27:43which is the name of a gay sauna in Norwich.
27:46Flast dismissed.
27:47See a stream,
27:51burn your face.
27:54I promise you I'll ever fall from my mistakes.
28:00See a stream,
28:05burn your face tonight.
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