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00:00It's Monday, and I'm covering the breakfast show for a radio station I worked for during
00:27my year living in Saudi Arabia. And thanks to the magic of technology, I'm able to broadcast
00:32bright morning vibes and government-sanctioned messages from a completely different time zone
00:37in a Norwich business park. The time here in Jeddah is 8am. Good morning, God is great.
00:43Formerly known as Sand FM, this is Golf Digital. I'm Alan Partridge, doing the breakfast show,
00:48covering for Kenny Badenoch, who can't be with us after he fell off a quad bike doing a wheelie
00:52in front of some women. Two words, Ken. Throttle control.
00:57But now, time for tea, sponsored by Al-Fahidi Arabian Tea House on Bar Al Arab Street. And
01:05tea of the week is lemon verbena tea, which, I have to say, is smelling wonderfully fragrant.
01:15Mmm. And, mmm, doesn't taste half bad either. This is Abba, and I am a tiger.
01:24Allah. Wrong button. This is Abba, and I am a tiger.
01:32Spending five hours alone in this radio studio, drinking another man's bovril, makes me wonder,
01:37do we need other people? It's the question I'll be asking as I probe the mental health of the nation
01:43in association with Flench and Son tanning centres. Welcome to How Are You? It's Alan Partridge.
01:52How Are You?
01:54Is there any feeling in life like the feeling of being clean?
02:04The pleasure of a correctly scrubbed body. Every crevice, every hole, bubble bath clean.
02:16In 2024, I fronted an educational video for Help the Aged, teaching elderly people how to wash properly.
02:23In the end, the campaign, wash with Alan, never aired due to creative differences.
02:29But it's a useful reminder of how comfortable we are talking about our physical hygiene,
02:34but our mental hygiene, not so much.
02:37Which is why I'm on a journey to better understand the mental hygiene or health of the nation.
02:44For whilst it's considered polite to bathe alone, unless you've got a new girlfriend,
02:49is it healthy to be alone?
02:51Or do we gain our mental strength from others?
02:54It's something I'm pondering in Norwich on what I think of as a cross between a think and a walk.
03:01A filk.
03:02Or a...
03:03No, just a filk.
03:05You join me on one of my Norfolk walks,
03:08where it's me alone with my thoughts and a 360-degree camera to capture it all.
03:15You do get some strange looks from Norfolk-onians, or Norwich-idians.
03:23They fear new things, be it air friars, women bishops, or gay dads.
03:30And I must admit the last one took me a while,
03:32but I was soon fully on board once the requisite checks were in place.
03:36It is marvellous out here, just the bees, the trees,
03:43the shrubs and the grubs, the flowers, the occasional showers.
03:47Yes, the sky and eye.
03:50It's quite easy poetry, actually.
03:53You don't need a degree.
03:54You just write what you see.
03:56Listen to me.
03:57That's poetry.
03:59Would you like a cup?
04:00No, just four.
04:02I do love nature, but push comes to shove.
04:05I like humans.
04:06I like human company.
04:09I'm happy to hug a tree once a year,
04:11but you can't take a tree for dinner with you.
04:15You get some strange looks from diners if you did.
04:19I must have told my friend,
04:20the well-known Norfolk sunbed tycoon, Darrell Flench, that one.
04:25He had a very funny comment.
04:26He said, the thing about these tree huggers, he said,
04:29is if they take it any further, they're liable to get splinters.
04:33Yes.
04:35Very funny guy.
04:36I mean, he's got his demons.
04:38He's medically addicted to being suntanned,
04:40but he's all right.
04:42Talk of the devil.
04:43There's Darrell Flench's Range Rover,
04:46parked next to Katrina's.
04:48Hey, Darrell!
04:50He probably thought he saw my car and thought I was in,
04:59saw that I wasn't, gone across the road,
05:03see what she's up to.
05:05Yeah.
05:06So which side of the line are you on?
05:10Like I say, I'm very much a people person,
05:13one who fits effortlessly into different social tribes.
05:16Far from being misogynistic,
05:19the lyric,
05:20Fat-bottom girls, you make the rocking world go round,
05:22is a statement of medical fact.
05:24I'm at ease hanging out with my racket club pals in person
05:27or on a WhatsApp group called the Badminton Bad Boys.
05:30Women have more prominent hindquarters
05:33due to higher estrogen levels,
05:35which deposit fat around the buttocks and thighs,
05:37which attracts a mate,
05:39which leads to the propagation of the human race.
05:41So, figuratively speaking,
05:44Fat-bottom girls do, in fact,
05:45make the rocking world go round.
05:47I applaud him.
05:48Here's to you, Brian.
05:49Actually, he's still alive, isn't he?
05:50To Brian, mate.
05:51To Dr. Brian, mate.
05:52Cheers.
05:53We'll talk about everything from tax to cars,
05:56with the chat only drying up
05:57when Eddie mentions his divorce again.
06:04I'm also a social animal
06:06when it comes to my partner's girlfriends,
06:08where I have the thrill of fitting
06:09into an exciting new friendship group.
06:11You wonder what she sees in him.
06:13Let's pop that there.
06:14Maybe he's got a big cock.
06:18Just let that steep for a minute.
06:20They're a fantastic bunch,
06:21and when the five of us get together,
06:23things can get pretty raucous.
06:26There's a real joie de vivre,
06:28and it's great to just tag along.
06:32Yep, like it or not,
06:34humans are social animals,
06:36and where once we herded together
06:37around campfires or churches,
06:39today we gather around
06:41a different watering hole,
06:42the coffee shop.
06:44In the atomised world
06:46of isolated living,
06:47the coffee shop
06:48is one of the last bastions
06:49of human interaction,
06:51and not even a grumpy mum's netter
06:53who leaves the door open
06:54because she's got a pram
06:55and that means that she can't close doors
06:57can spoil the cool vibes.
06:58I'd like to order an Americano, please.
07:01Whenever you're ready.
07:02Okay.
07:04Can I have an Americano, please?
07:06You order it on the touchscreen.
07:08But you're here.
07:10I know, but you do it on the touchscreen.
07:11Okay, why?
07:13That's why you do it.
07:15Right, and what happens then?
07:16The order goes to the barista.
07:19And who's that?
07:21So, can you make the coffee?
07:24Nothing's come through.
07:25Okay, yeah.
07:26Start new order.
07:28Takeaway, hot drinks,
07:30Americano, medium, place order.
07:35There we go.
07:36It says placing order.
07:39So, can you make it?
07:41Does it say placed or placing?
07:42Placing.
07:44Yeah, nothing's come through.
07:46Okay, well, can you not start making it?
07:49I don't know what you want.
07:49I want an Americano medium to go.
07:53Right, great.
07:56Does it strike you as insane that you're there and I'm here
07:59and we have to go through a robot middleman
08:01to order a coffee?
08:04Instead of me using my mouth
08:05to communicate the information to your ears,
08:08which is how human beings have done it for 10,000 years?
08:11Gotta be.
08:12Gotta be 10,000 years.
08:14It wouldn't have been a coffee then.
08:15It would have been, I don't know,
08:17woolly mammoth milk, something like that.
08:19What did you say?
08:19It was ironic that the very technology
08:22designed to bypass human interaction
08:24actually sparked a lively conversation.
08:26We talked about the internet, AI,
08:29even how robots were once used to sell instant potato,
08:33before leaving empty-handed.
08:35Unfortunately, Gen Z's seem incapable of saying,
08:38hey, mate, you've forgotten your coffee.
08:41But the visit to the cafe troubled me.
08:44It seems technology is severing the ties that once bound us
08:47and isolation is on the rise,
08:49though this is stock footage and that lady is not me.
08:51But as I munched gum in a friend's vineyard,
08:54I wonder, are we sleepwalking into isolation,
08:57as one might sleepwalk nude into a kitchen,
09:00or are some of us seeking it out?
09:02It's something I first touched on in a report for the BBC's This Time programme in 2021.
09:07Hell is other people.
09:11So spoke French philosopher Jean-Michel Jarre.
09:13A story on the UK's housing shortage,
09:16during which I visited the home of co-renters
09:18I mistakenly referred to as rent boys and rent girls,
09:21for which I later apologised.
09:24Meet Gina as she quietly says hello.
09:26A trainee physiotherapist living like so many,
09:30with the nightmare of forced proximity.
09:33And how many people live here right now?
09:36There's three of us.
09:37But there's only two bedrooms?
09:38They turned one of the rooms downstairs into another bedroom.
09:41Which would have been the dining room?
09:43Yeah.
09:43So if you want to have a dinner party, ain't happening.
09:46Yeah, we didn't really do that.
09:47I've been asked to shine a light on what it's like
09:49for a young generation forced to share space with others.
09:52You have never known the joy, the pleasure,
09:56of hosting a dinner party for, let's say,
09:59the head of a local car dealership network
10:01and his charming wife,
10:03a leading Rotarian and his charming daughter,
10:05and a couple of charming divorcee friends.
10:07Though as the conversation went on,
10:08I realised I knew nothing about the young generation.
10:11Do you mind me asking how many bathrooms you have?
10:13One.
10:14One each?
10:15One between us.
10:16How does that work?
10:17Well, when you're out,
10:18you kind of just shout down the stairs,
10:19bathroom's free.
10:20Right, so you literally have to shout.
10:23Yeah.
10:23So you're standing right where you are now.
10:25Yeah.
10:25And you shout...
10:27Bathroom's free.
10:28Bathroom's free!
10:30Exactly, yeah.
10:30You know, your bathroom might not be free,
10:33but your spirit...
10:34Well, it is.
10:36It's been a pleasure meeting you.
10:38I'll see myself out.
10:42It is below asking price, but...
10:44Yeah.
10:48Can I just put you on hold for a second?
10:50The other bit is just trying me.
10:51Yeah, one sec.
10:52Today, visiting Gina again,
10:56I find things have changed beyond all recognition.
10:59She no longer works as a physiotherapist,
11:00instead working for a thriving nationwide estate agency.
11:05Honestly, to hear the way you handled those two customers
11:07earlier was a privilege.
11:09And when I saw you play one buyer off against another,
11:12I started to well up.
11:13And then when you had an audible conversation
11:15with the vendor on the other line,
11:17and I suddenly realised there was no vendor,
11:18you'd invented him,
11:19and the whole thing was an elaborate deception,
11:21I thought,
11:22my goodness,
11:23her confidence has blossomed.
11:24It had been great to see Gina again,
11:26and witness how living alone
11:28had made her a happier,
11:29more effective person.
11:30A rabbit-like earlier,
11:31and then two fangs,
11:33which I've had flattened.
11:36So isolation at home is no bad thing.
11:39But what about in the workplace?
11:41Some people embrace solitude.
11:44Lollipop men,
11:45male librarians,
11:46and male dinner ladies,
11:47or dinner men.
11:49But if I were to say to you,
11:50no,
11:52crane drivers,
11:53you'd probably think,
11:54that's an interesting one, Alan,
11:56and one I hadn't thought of.
11:58Mention hermits,
11:59and people think of bearded cave dwellers,
12:01but today's hermits are found 200 feet in the air.
12:04I'm talking about the men and women,
12:06there's one on a building site in Leeds,
12:08who operate cranes.
12:10I'm here at ground zero.
12:13Don't worry,
12:14I don't mean the New York tourist attraction.
12:16I mean,
12:16I'm simply standing on the ground.
12:18And I'm here to talk to crane driver Paul Jones.
12:21But I don't want to shout.
12:22Solution,
12:23the first ever British television interview
12:25conducted by walkie-talkie conducted.
12:28Ground control to Major Tom.
12:30Can you hear me,
12:31Major Tom?
12:32Over.
12:32My name's Paul.
12:34Right, yeah.
12:34Can you see me?
12:36I'm wearing red,
12:37Paul.
12:37Over.
12:38A red pullover.
12:39No,
12:39I'm not wearing a red pullover,
12:41Paul.
12:41I'm wearing red pullover.
12:43Although I am wearing a red pullover,
12:45Paul.
12:45Over.
12:46Pullover,
12:46pullover.
12:47So you're wearing two pullover.
12:48No,
12:48just wearing one pullover,
12:49Paul.
12:49Over.
12:50So I'm going to stop saying over,
12:52Paul.
12:52Over.
12:52That was the last one.
12:53I enjoyed Paul's accent,
12:56one of those slower Liverpudlian accents
12:58a non-Liverpudlian can follow.
13:00It's a fact,
13:01many people find the Liverpool accent indecipherable,
13:03which is why they cancelled Brookside.
13:05We all have different ways of coping with solitude.
13:08In the film Cast Away,
13:09Tom Hanks started going out with a football.
13:12When I'm stuck on my own,
13:13I hum hymns,
13:14or if I've got a wet mouth,
13:15I do free-form whistling.
13:17What do you do?
13:18I read,
13:19I observe,
13:21I embrace solitude.
13:23What about friends?
13:24Do you get on with the other crane drivers?
13:26No.
13:27Do you have a partner?
13:28I'm a hermit who lives in a box,
13:30pissing into plastic bottles all day.
13:32It's not a life people can get their head around.
13:34Yeah,
13:34I wouldn't open with it on my Tinder profile.
13:37It sounds quite lonely,
13:39Paul.
13:40Does a shepherd get lonely
13:41as he watches his flock?
13:43I don't know.
13:44I think they just go on their phones.
13:46Like Zeus looking down from Mount Olympus.
13:49I look down from on high
13:50and see people like ants
13:51on the hind legs
13:53with four spare arms.
13:54You do get regular evaluations.
13:57As the conversation went on,
13:58I began to question
13:59whether the man was even in a crane.
14:01All I had was his word.
14:02And remember,
14:03he was still essentially a builder.
14:07The same way God created the world.
14:09Yeah,
14:09but that's not being godlike,
14:11is it?
14:11That's just being high up.
14:12I mean,
14:13people who fly helicopters are high up,
14:15but Noel Evans wouldn't say he was god.
14:18That's a really bad example.
14:19With no evidence to support his claim,
14:21it was with regret
14:22I decided to terminate the interview
14:24at 10.56am.
14:26How are you?
14:32So people matter,
14:34and having the right people around you
14:35puts you firmly
14:36in the mental health driving seat,
14:38even if some relationships
14:39call for more delicate handling.
14:41Oh,
14:42I've got a man coming to tell
14:43the bathroom this afternoon,
14:44so he'll need the keys
14:46and the money.
14:48Right,
14:49well,
14:49there are the keys.
14:52You're going to be in,
14:53you're going to be out all day.
14:55Yeah,
14:55I told you,
14:55I've got to go to London
14:56and see my solicitor
14:57about that tenant.
14:58Oh,
14:59the troublesome one.
15:00Oh,
15:01yes.
15:05She reckons that there's damp.
15:07Yeah,
15:07well,
15:07there wasn't when she moved in.
15:09She probably put it there.
15:11Of course,
15:11an employer-employee dynamic
15:13is different
15:13to a lover-lovee dynamic
15:15and the tension between them
15:17has to be navigated with care.
15:19Remember to ask for that money,
15:20only I'm not certain
15:21she paid you back last time.
15:23Perhaps I should keep a tally.
15:25Lynn,
15:25our relationship is more than
15:27just penny-pinching
15:28and bean-counting.
15:30It's a two-way flow
15:31of goods and services,
15:32like the Irish border.
15:34I just hate to think
15:35of you becoming
15:35a bit of a Dennis Thatcher.
15:37He got to meet
15:38a lot of very important wives.
15:40Give her another chance,
15:41Lynn.
15:41I know you probably think
15:42she's just a sexy witch,
15:44but she goes to the gym
15:45three times a week
15:46and I love her unconditionally.
15:48So should I keep a tally?
15:50Yes,
15:50keep a tally.
15:53Don't crease it.
15:56But away from the personal realm,
15:58psychologists believe
15:59interaction with people
16:00in our professional lives
16:01has mental health benefits too.
16:04I've headed to a train station
16:05with one of the fattest
16:07yellow lines on the network
16:08to find out more.
16:09As Norfolk's former car laureate
16:11tasked with promoting car use
16:13and ownership across the county,
16:15I was contractually precluded
16:17from using public transport
16:18wherever possible.
16:19But today,
16:20I adore train travel,
16:22relaxing with my shoes off
16:24as we wend our way
16:25past the golf courses
16:26that make up
16:27our precious green belt.
16:28For me,
16:29train travel is the best way
16:30to see Britain,
16:31but I'm not talking about
16:32what you see out of the window.
16:33I'm talking about
16:34what you find inside the train.
16:36The people.
16:37Cup of coffee and a Kit-Kat, please.
16:39So I've come to experience
16:41for myself
16:42whether being one of these people
16:43can improve the way we feel.
16:45And to test it out,
16:47there can be no better job
16:48than this.
16:49Tempt anyone?
16:50Hot and cold snacks?
16:51A train attendant.
16:53Keep your elbows in, please.
16:54Theirs is a life
16:55of constant interactions.
16:57Just tuck your feet in there, love.
16:58Each one stimulating the release
17:00of feel-good brain drug
17:01dopamine.
17:03I like going backwards.
17:04And as I leaned into the roll,
17:05Teas and coffees!
17:07I found myself able to cope
17:08with situations
17:09that would normally be stressful.
17:11There we go.
17:12Ow!
17:12Ow!
17:13Do you apologise?
17:14It's my first date.
17:14I'll get you some ice.
17:16We've got no ice.
17:17What can I get you
17:18to hold against it?
17:19I can give you a can of Sprite.
17:20Oh, okay.
17:21Thanks.
17:21One-fifty.
17:23Oh, jeez.
17:26I didn't...
17:27It's not even cold.
17:29I know, there's no ice.
17:30I don't even want a Sprite.
17:32Well, when did you buy one then,
17:33silly man?
17:34And when my social battery
17:35began to dim
17:36around Stowe Market,
17:37my respect for Britain's
17:38trolley attendance
17:39only deepened.
17:40Nothing a bit less rich.
17:42Just what's on the menu.
17:44Is the risotto any good?
17:48It's train risotto.
17:49If you're on a candlelit dinner,
17:52I suggest you catch
17:53the Orient Express,
17:54but I don't think
17:55it stops at Ipswich.
17:56Just another one
17:57of its luxury features.
17:59Is it any good?
18:00Well, if you lower
18:02your expectations
18:03to a savoury rice pudding
18:05with two mushrooms in it,
18:06I won't say you won't
18:08be disappointed,
18:08but you won't be
18:09as disappointed.
18:10I'll have one of them.
18:11Great.
18:12Okay.
18:12My colleagues,
18:13let's just get it
18:14out of the microwave.
18:16Enjoy your meal.
18:17Well, eat your meal.
18:19It's just not really
18:20appropriate.
18:21I like to make
18:22a little joke.
18:23Most of them get it.
18:24It had been a fascinating
18:25morning serving snacks
18:26and hot drinks
18:27in which only a single
18:28passenger had been
18:29scolded.
18:30For the afternoon,
18:31though, I was keen
18:32to try a roll
18:32with a Dashmore authority.
18:34Tickets and passers,
18:35please.
18:36Tickets and passers,
18:36please.
18:37Tickets and passers,
18:38please.
18:39Tickets and passers,
18:39please.
18:40Tickets and passers,
18:42please.
18:43Hello.
18:44Yeah, these are economy.
18:45They're not valid
18:45in first class,
18:46I'm afraid.
18:46There's no room
18:47in economy.
18:48There are two seats
18:49in the next carriage
18:50and two seats
18:50in the very last carriage.
18:52They're not together.
18:53They're not together,
18:54no.
18:54So if you just want
18:55to get your things.
18:56Looking back now,
18:57I realised that,
18:58while initially enjoyable,
19:00the authority I'd been
19:01granted was intoxicating.
19:03Yeah, this is an off-peak.
19:04And while I think
19:05it's important,
19:06the aisles were kept clear.
19:07You want to pop your bag
19:08on the shelf provided.
19:09The power was turning
19:10me into an Alan
19:11I didn't like.
19:13Alan Sugar.
19:15It was time to go home.
19:18How are you?
19:21When it comes to mental health,
19:25some say there's
19:25no better antidepressant
19:27than the one
19:27you can pat on the head.
19:29Dogs have been providing
19:30us with companionship
19:31and a welcome mood boost
19:33for millennia.
19:34And while my friends
19:35in Saudi consider them
19:36to be unclean,
19:37I disagree.
19:39Though mean no disrespect
19:40whatsoever to the kingdom
19:41or to his excellency.
19:45I am off to
19:46the local dog and cat
19:49rescue centre
19:49to see if any of the
19:50inhabitants can win
19:52my affection,
19:53which will be a tall order.
19:54The last time I used
19:55the term good boy
19:57was for my late,
19:59great quadruped.
20:01Seldom.
20:01The most wonderful,
20:03dangerous dog
20:04in the world.
20:04Pictured here
20:05alongside a man
20:06who walked him
20:07when I didn't want to.
20:08When a small dog dies,
20:10you move on.
20:12Get a new one.
20:14You never get over
20:15the death of a big dog.
20:17So, um,
20:19oh, that's interesting.
20:22That's Daryl Flensher's
20:24Range Rover.
20:27Yeah.
20:28In a hotel car park
20:29next to, uh,
20:31Katrina,
20:32Katrina's white one.
20:33If I, uh,
20:34if I park, uh,
20:35the blue one next to it,
20:37looks like the, uh,
20:37French tricolor,
20:38which really, uh,
20:40it does not make
20:40Katrina happy
20:41because, uh,
20:42not that she
20:42hates the French,
20:43she just, uh,
20:44doesn't like Europe.
20:46So, um,
20:47I thought she was in London
20:49today.
20:51Yeah, all right.
20:52She's a sly fox.
20:56Norwich Cats and Dogs Home
20:57says it provides a safe
20:58and welcoming environment,
21:00but then so did the home
21:01we put my mother-in-law in,
21:02and the staff there
21:03stole some of her jewellery.
21:05But it's the dogs
21:06I'm here to browse.
21:08So, what happened
21:09to your dog?
21:09Uh, he perished
21:11at a fun fair.
21:12Uh, he'd been seen, um,
21:14behind a burger van
21:15drinking beef fat,
21:17and I think his ticker
21:18just said nope.
21:19Well, I mean,
21:20we're always looking
21:20for volunteers.
21:21Well, I mean,
21:22I love dogs.
21:23Yeah?
21:23Yeah, so, yeah,
21:24so, um,
21:24well, what would it involve?
21:26Uh, so,
21:27we do greeting checks
21:28at 7am,
21:29then we clean the kennels
21:31and the common spaces
21:3210 to 12.
21:3310 to 12.
21:34Then midday feed,
21:35adoption visits
21:36all afternoon.
21:37Got it.
21:37Then evening,
21:38exercise, feed,
21:39final check.
21:40Yep, yep, yep.
21:41Then at 7,
21:42we do an evening clean,
21:43and then we're out
21:44by 10pm usually.
21:45Great.
21:46Well, if I hear of anyone,
21:47I'll let you know.
21:48Um, yeah, okay.
21:49Oh, gosh,
21:55it's like, uh,
21:56it's like Banged Up Abroad,
21:57the doggy edition,
21:58isn't it?
21:59Yeah,
22:00and all behind bars
22:01for, uh,
22:02smuggling drugs.
22:03You wouldn't, uh,
22:04you wouldn't hide drugs
22:05up your bum, would you?
22:06Unless they were
22:07worming tablets.
22:07Have you been wormed?
22:08Yeah.
22:10Yeah, that's like
22:11Silence of the Lambs.
22:14We'd have no trouble, uh,
22:16eating my liver,
22:17would you?
22:18All washed down
22:18with a nice bowl of water.
22:21And they can see us as well?
22:23Yeah.
22:23Yeah.
22:24Hello.
22:26Hello.
22:27Hello.
22:30Hello.
22:32Can he go on the bed
22:34if he's been a good boy?
22:36It was sad to see
22:37these animals in here.
22:38If I had my way,
22:39it's not dogs
22:40we'd lock up like this.
22:41It's people.
22:43Hello.
22:44Can I meet this dog?
22:45Uh, yeah.
22:46Great.
22:47Curly-haired brown dog.
22:48Come on.
22:49Come on.
22:50Hello.
22:51Hello.
22:52Oh, he jumped into my arms.
22:54What a smasher.
22:56Yeah, he has a little smasher,
22:57right?
22:57Yeah.
22:58So, he's a great one.
23:00I'm going to call him Doogie.
23:02Oh, it's actually Sebastian.
23:03Oh, how much for Doogie?
23:05Oh, no, he's going to another family.
23:07I'll double it.
23:08No, it's not about the money.
23:10They've filled in the forms.
23:11The kids are really excited to see him.
23:12Four times.
23:14Right, okay.
23:15Just put the cameras down.
23:16Off camera,
23:19Lara was kind enough
23:20to put me in touch
23:21with the dog's new family
23:22in order to ask
23:23if I could visit the dog
23:24once a month
23:25and stroke it.
23:27While clearly not a natural redhead,
23:29Lara's attitude
23:30was professional,
23:31friendly,
23:32and caring,
23:32which is why I'm naming her
23:34as an Alan Partridge
23:35community champion.
23:37So, what have I learnt?
23:40That good mental health
23:41isn't about surrounding yourself
23:43with a crowd or dogs.
23:45It's about curating
23:46an effective network
23:47of key individuals.
23:49So, returning home,
23:51I was pleased to find
23:52that on my suggestion,
23:53which was mandatory,
23:54my assistants had made
23:55a bit more of an effort
23:56with my partner
23:57and they were sharing
23:58a bottle of my wine.
24:00Yeah, I've never noticed
24:01how bandy his legs are before.
24:03He couldn't trap a pig
24:04in a guinnel.
24:04What?
24:05A guinnel.
24:06It's the narrow passageway
24:07that you used to have
24:08between those old terraced houses
24:10that didn't have
24:10an inside toilet.
24:11Lynne lived in Monta.
24:12She was 25.
24:13He's very touchy about his legs.
24:14But I always think
24:15gentle teasing
24:16brings people together.
24:17Being able to laugh at yourself
24:18is key to good mental health.
24:20What did you do?
24:21Do mine.
24:22Mind you,
24:22I give as good as I get
24:23and moments later
24:24I was teasing Katrina no end
24:26with funny questions
24:27about where she'd been.
24:29I've done it with him.
24:29Okay, I'll give him a call here.
24:32Did I see your Range Rover
24:33parked outside a hotel
24:34in Norwich earlier?
24:35No.
24:36Oh, okay.
24:37Sorry, I thought I did.
24:38But you couldn't have
24:39because I was in London,
24:40weren't I, you'd have said?
24:40All right, cool, cool, cool.
24:41See you, sexy.
24:43Not if I see you first.
24:46The people in my life
24:47make me feel great
24:48but there was one final thing
24:50I was curious about.
24:51If man did want to be on his own,
24:54could technology help?
24:57Throughout history,
24:59technology has risen
25:00to meet the challenge.
25:01When we needed to hunt spears,
25:03when we needed transport the wheel,
25:06when we needed to tame nature,
25:08Mansoon invented the strimmer.
25:09But now we're in need of companionship,
25:11can technology step up?
25:14It's a subject
25:14that has fascinated me
25:15for weeks.
25:17Using AI technology
25:18and advanced robotics,
25:19I believe
25:20that a cyborg unit
25:21will soon become the norm
25:22in every British household.
25:24I'd like you to meet Zuzan.
25:27Hello, Zuzan.
25:29Hello, Alan.
25:30Can I help you with anything?
25:31Not right now, thank you.
25:33Able to respond instantly
25:34to my commands,
25:35she can provide service
25:36around the household
25:37in a safe and reliable way.
25:40Let's go inside.
25:42A fascinating vision
25:44of what the future might hold.
25:46A live-in physical appliance
25:47equipped with state-of-the-art AI.
25:50It's expected that early iterations
25:52will be able to perform
25:53a variety of household tasks.
25:55I think I'll have
25:56the chicken Caesar salad,
25:57but I don't want any anchovy in it.
25:58I don't like any fish
25:59smaller than a fish finger.
26:01If that's what you like.
26:04The great thing is,
26:05Zuzan will learn that.
26:06It will be logged and filed.
26:08No more conversations like,
26:09what did I say
26:10about not liking anchovy?
26:11More responses like,
26:12I'm sorry,
26:13but I've had a lot
26:13on my mind recently.
26:15The slight chippiness
26:15in her tone
26:16is a sort of design glitch
26:17that can be ironed out
26:18at the next software update.
26:20Time for your vitamins and stuff.
26:22Thank you, Zuzan.
26:28Okay, seven across
26:30a savoury pear.
26:31Avocado.
26:32Yeah, I'm going to say that.
26:34And companionship?
26:35Well, she'd be no slouch
26:36there either.
26:37With a full charge,
26:38she'd be able to simulate
26:39good company day or night.
26:41Okay, two down,
26:42seven letters,
26:43a north-westerly wind,
26:45which blows across
26:46southern France
26:47into the Mediterranean.
26:48Yeah, you're answering too.
26:50Quickly, let me get some of them.
26:52Of course,
26:53eventually each unit
26:54would recalibrate
26:55to reflect the user's preferences.
26:57But just think about that
26:58for a second.
26:58An assistant incapable
27:00of irritating you.
27:03And they can also be programmed
27:04to have the kind of conversations
27:05you actually want to have.
27:07The level of incompetence
27:08is absolutely staggering.
27:10I know,
27:10they don't know that arse
27:11from their elbow.
27:12Yeah, which begs the question,
27:13what are we actually paying
27:14our council tax for?
27:15Bloody diversity training,
27:17that's what.
27:18Ha!
27:19This is a prototype
27:20that voice modulation
27:21isn't quite there yet.
27:22But you're absolutely right.
27:26So,
27:27dystopian nightmare
27:28or idyllic partnership
27:30between man and machine.
27:31Only time will tell.
27:33For now, though,
27:34I think I prefer
27:35the company of humans.
27:36But Zuzan,
27:37do join us.
27:40You all right?
27:47Yes.
27:47Are you all right?
27:48Yeah.
27:50I like you.
28:10You all right?
28:18You all right?
28:19You all right?
28:20You all right?
28:20You all right?
28:20You all right?
28:21You all right?
28:22You all right?
28:22You all right?
28:23You all right?
28:23You all right?
28:24You all right?
28:25You all right?
28:25You all right?
28:26You all right?
28:26You all right?
28:27You all right?
28:27You all right?
28:28You all right?
28:28You all right?
28:29You all right?
28:29You all right?
28:30You all right?
28:30You all right?
28:31You all right?
28:31You all right?
28:32You all right?
28:33You all right?
28:34You all right?
28:35You all right?
28:36You all right?
28:37You all right?
28:38You all right?
28:39You all right?
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