- 16 hours ago
An unexpected order comes in, prompting the factory manager to ask all the staff, including the dinnerladies, to work a 24-hour shift. With Tony off work having chemotherapy for his cancer, obnoxious temporary manager Nicola Bodeux gives the staff a hard time, resulting in Dolly, Jean, Anita and Twinkle walking out. Realising her constant failure to connect with people, Nicola then resigns and decides to become a lighthouse keeper. Bren prepares for the impossible task of manning the canteen single-handedly all night, but the others, including Tony, return to help.
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FunTranscript
00:00Well, it's on television after you.
00:19Hang on.
00:20Who's that?
00:21Oh, they've had a baby.
00:22They're off that holiday programme and John Thing.
00:25Who?
00:26John Thing.
00:27Used to be on Newsy.
00:28Now he does the wrestling.
00:29Oh, I like the wrestling.
00:31Don't they chew their ears off?
00:33No, that's rugby.
00:35She's hand-stencilled the entire nursery.
00:38Oh, a holiday programme.
00:40Oh.
00:41They often names they give those poor children.
00:44What?
00:45It says John and Amanda share a tender moment with their baby opposite.
00:52Jean, what is on the telly this app?
00:55Well, I'm trying to read it.
00:57Put your specs on.
00:58Four o'clock.
00:59What's that?
01:00Regrets.
01:01Regrets?
01:02TV movie.
01:03I bet it's about some business woman who's left it too late to have babies.
01:06Oh, she had a baby in her teens, had it adopted and regrets it.
01:10Oh, no.
01:11Rugrats.
01:12Four's all quizzes, as usual.
01:13Five's got a documentary.
01:14Frederick Delius, syphilis-ridden genius.
01:15Lovely.
01:16The true facts behind the myth.
01:17Five's got a documentary.
01:18Five's got a documentary.
01:19Frederick Delius, syphilis-ridden genius.
01:22Lovely.
01:23The true facts behind the myth.
01:26Well, I might watch that.
01:27Oh, no, I can't work in here, Drew.
01:29What's that?
01:30No, fast-forward documentary.
01:32Is it true about the syphilis Delius myth?
01:35Delius myth's never got syphilis.
01:39How dare it?
01:41Don't tell me a woman with spotless tea towels would stoop to that kind of infection.
01:45Oh, dear.
01:46Oh.
01:47Anyway, if she did have some sexually transmitted dilemma, she's not going to have it on Channel
01:535.
01:54Hey, come on, look at time, Twink.
01:56Is that a toaster on?
01:57I don't know.
01:58Did you not put it on?
01:59Put it on?
02:00Well, it didn't come on.
02:01Oh, blimey.
02:02Why didn't you say anything?
02:03The plug isn't switched on, you dingbat.
02:05You never said switch plug on.
02:06You said switch toaster on.
02:08It's no wonder Tony's in hospital, is it?
02:10Can we have some more bacon done, somebody?
02:12You don't realise how much he does till he's not here not doing it.
02:15Can I put my toast order in?
02:16It's a big one.
02:17Hang on.
02:18Gee!
02:19Gee!
02:20How you been, Twink?
02:21Put some more toast on.
02:22Anita, bacon!
02:23What?
02:24Do some.
02:25Do some bacon?
02:26Yeah.
02:27Okay.
02:28Hey, Brent.
02:29Michael Bolton's growing his hair again.
02:31I'm really excited.
02:33I don't wanna know!
02:36Put yuckers up, somebody!
02:38It's an alien one.
02:40Can you put some brown on for me?
02:44Toast?
02:45So brown.
02:46That's like a point of it in TikTok.
02:48Brown bread.
02:49Oh.
02:50Brown?
02:51Have we got any brown bread?
02:53Hang on.
02:54Can you get it?
02:55It's me.
02:56It's in corner.
02:57Here's me boss.
02:58Sorry.
02:59She has to have brown bread.
03:00She's got irritable bowel syndrome.
03:02That's just become a status symbol, that house.
03:05Hey, sorry, can you hurry up?
03:07This has all come in in the last ten years.
03:09Irritable bowel syndrome.
03:11What happened to flatulence, by the way?
03:14That never seems to get a look in.
03:17Old pearls, they're never mentioned.
03:19Sorry, can you get a bit of a move on?
03:21There's a big meeting upstairs.
03:23I'm doing you, brown.
03:24Well, could you not butter the whites while the brown goes through?
03:27What whites?
03:28Teen dick tilt.
03:29I'll butter these.
03:30What do you want?
03:31I normally have 12 rounds of white, but today I want 11 rounds of white, one brown, please.
03:36Twink.
03:37Can you go down and get the rest of that milk?
03:38Why me?
03:39Because everyone else is busy.
03:40How we're busy.
03:41I've been right over to that corner to get that bread.
03:45Is there a big deal on there?
03:47Some sort of special meeting.
03:48You know they lost that order because all that Belgian machinery had to go back.
03:51Yeah.
03:52So things are a bit...
03:53Even Mr Michael's looking a bit anxious.
03:55Excuse me?
03:56Is this a Bilberry yoghurt?
03:58No.
03:59I'll have a bacon sandwich, then.
04:01All right.
04:02Yeah, thanks.
04:03Oh, how's Tony?
04:04He's all right.
04:05He's not brilliant.
04:06Is he having another batch of treatment?
04:07Yeah.
04:08It's rotten, that.
04:09Be worth it in the end, though.
04:10It's the bacon sandwich and the Ribena.
04:12Is it?
04:13Where's the rest of it?
04:14Down there.
04:15Why didn't you bring it?
04:16Oh, give me something.
04:17Sarah!
04:18Is she here?
04:19What?
04:20Tony's a replacement.
04:21She's supposed to start this morning.
04:22I thought we weren't having one.
04:24Well, I think Tony's finding the treatment a bit tougher than he expected.
04:27He may need more time off.
04:28Oh, okay.
04:29What time's she supposed to be coming?
04:30Look, I've got to go.
04:31There's a bit of a serious meeting and Michael's a bit, well, he's a bit down about it.
04:34Yeah, I've seen him, like, mooching about.
04:35It's not good, actually.
04:36It's a bit, well...
04:37It's not good.
04:38Where am I going, Jean?
04:41Bean.
04:42Amarillo.
04:43Milk.
04:44What would happen if I asked for a herbal tea?
04:47Nothing.
04:48You mean, you wouldn't be fazed by such a request?
04:53No, I mean, you wouldn't get one.
04:55No.
04:56So you don't offer a selection of bags?
04:58No.
04:59Morning, Malcolm.
05:00You eyeballing my bus line?
05:02Yep.
05:03Good.
05:04Are you paying for that?
05:06Can I have a quassel?
05:07You can have belly dancing glasses if you like, but we do need to know.
05:12Cheers, Stan.
05:13Are you having a brew?
05:14No.
05:15I've been to myself outside the lavatories this morning.
05:18It's an emergency meeting.
05:19There may be a fair amount of nervous urinating.
05:22I don't want the hand-dries overheating.
05:25Oops.
05:27Hey!
05:28We're up and running.
05:29We're feeding the faces of folk.
05:31We're done.
05:32Good.
05:33Excuse me.
05:34Sorry, can you get behind the counter?
05:35I'm not being personal, but it's like a regulation.
05:37Oh, I'm relieved to see you've heard of the word regulation.
05:40Sorry?
05:41Well, Brenda.
05:42I'm Nicola Bodeux, B-O-D-E-U-X, and I'm your temporary canteen supervisor.
05:48Well, you could have said something while you were in the queue.
05:51Oh, I could have.
05:52Then we might have had a bit less bus line back chat and a bit more chamomile tea.
05:56Now, I don't dress down my staff in front of customers, but as soon as that shuts us down,
06:01I'm coming out of that office and I'm warning you, I don't mince my punches.
06:05And then you move from till to toast in a completely random formation.
06:14Yeah, but that would be cause.
06:15Don't be cause me.
06:16There's no because in catering.
06:18And then you've disappeared altogether.
06:20I had to get the milk.
06:21Why was that not delivered in the normal way?
06:23Who supervises these deliveries?
06:25Well, if Tony's not here, I do.
06:27But if the lift's not working, you don't bother with the milkman,
06:29because you have to stand next to the breadman with the paper bag in case he hyperventilates.
06:32That's a ludicrous situation.
06:35He fell off a diving board in Guernsey.
06:37Now, who had the Bilberry yoghurt query?
06:40It was you, wasn't it?
06:41Is it Jean?
06:42No, it's Dolly.
06:43That's Jean with the hips.
06:48Customer, is this Bilberry yoghurt?
06:51You?
06:52No.
06:53Where are your query guidelines?
06:55Never say no.
06:57Is this Bilberry yoghurt?
06:59Never say no.
07:00But it wasn't Bilberry yoghurt.
07:03Who was it, Dolly?
07:04Was it Ken?
07:05Yes.
07:06If Ken says, is this Bilberry yoghurt?
07:07And it wasn't, was it?
07:08It was...
07:09Fruits of the...
07:10Forest.
07:11He says, is this Bilberry yoghurt?
07:13We say, yeah, it is Bilberry yoghurt.
07:15Which is a lie, for one.
07:16And for two, poor old Ken, who's got a blooming wife with...
07:19What's it called?
07:20Alzheimer's.
07:21Poor old Ken sat there thinking, we're here, Bilberry yoghurt, my favourite, dipsy spoon it,
07:30what comes out, not a Bilberry, a fruit of the flipping forest.
07:33Unless Bilberry's growing forest.
07:36They don't, there aren't more as Bilberry's, he'd be devastated.
07:40No, the proper response to the query would be, let me just check for you.
07:45Could you wait for a moment while I ascertain an accurate assessment of the situation?
07:50Then look, smile, proffer the yoghurt.
07:54Meanwhile, there's a queue of gorillas building up all going up to the bacon sandwich.
07:59And did I hear you use an uncouthity to a male customer?
08:02What?
08:03Pardon.
08:04What?
08:05Not what.
08:07Hey, I said what?
08:08Well, don't, say pardon.
08:10I didn't say pardon.
08:13Did you use a swear word relating to male reproductive articles?
08:18What?
08:20Esticles.
08:22Pardon?
08:23Esticles.
08:26Hello.
08:27I missed you earlier.
08:28Your facts went into the waste paper basket.
08:30I'm Philippa, human resources.
08:32Morecroft.
08:33Nicola Bordeaux.
08:34B-O-D-E-U-X.
08:35Well, not to interrupt the fun or anything,
08:37could we have some cakes and biscuits upstairs, would you mind?
08:40Yeah, no problems, twink.
08:41Get that box of...
08:42Is this a regular arrangement?
08:43Oh, no, it's just they're having rather a grim meeting.
08:45Normally, directors' teas and coffees are booked the day before, as I understand it.
08:50Are they, bro?
08:51Well, officially they are, but mainly, like, we do it on the nod.
08:53You know, there's a bit of, like, ad hociness about it.
08:56Okay.
08:57Now, hold hard.
08:58The docket drawer in there is half empty.
09:00I've been looking high and low for pink flimsies.
09:02The blow dries were fine, but the hand basin backed up.
09:04Couldn't believe it.
09:05Is there a brew going?
09:06Are you maintenance?
09:07You're not needed, as far as I know.
09:08Oh, no.
09:09This is a post-plunger social pop-in.
09:11This is a staff-only pet chat.
09:12You want a cup of tea?
09:13You come back the other side of the counter when the shutters are up and pay.
09:16And when we have the correct documentation, we'll be delighted to provide the beverages
09:18you're requiring.
09:19I think there's been a little bit of a cushy atmosphere around here.
09:22And I'm sorry, it's time to wave cushy bye-bye.
09:24Bye-bye, cushy.
09:25What does that say?
09:26Love twinkle.
09:27We had to practice writing when I was at school.
09:30I didn't know the other side of the counter when the shutters are up.
09:33I don't know the other side of the counter when the shutters are up.
09:36And pay.
09:37And when we have the correct documentation, we'll be delighted to provide the beverages you're
09:39requiring.
09:40I think there's been a little bit of a cushy atmosphere around here.
09:43And I'm sorry, it's time to wave cushy bye-bye.
09:46Bye-bye cushy.
09:47What does that say?
09:48Love twinkle.
09:49We had to practise writing when I was at school.
09:51The little boy next door can only write his name in macaroni.
09:55Oh.
09:57How's he going to go on to join uprighty?
10:00He'll have to have a pencil case long enough to hold spaghetti.
10:04He's looking at us, you know.
10:06Godfair.
10:07What did Tony say, Bren?
10:09Well, he said he'd come back as soon as he could,
10:11but I have to say, he didn't really sound...
10:14Tended a bit down.
10:15What else did you get him?
10:17Um, what did I get him?
10:18Mints.
10:19Big bar of chocolate.
10:20What? In a magazine.
10:21Is that pornography?
10:23Why not a nice hobby magazine?
10:26Well, that is his hobby, really, isn't it?
10:29Well, if he's off for long, I wouldn't stay on with her.
10:31No, I wouldn't.
10:32Get a nice little job.
10:34What?
10:36Cleaning.
10:36Lighthouse work.
10:37Housekeeping.
10:38Somewhere nice.
10:40There you are.
10:41Lighthouse keeper wanted.
10:42Lighthouse keeper.
10:50Put your specs on.
10:56Mugs rinsed in four minutes, please.
10:58Er, can I get you anything?
11:03Do you want, um, a cup of tea or a biscuit?
11:05A biscuit?
11:06We got these new, er, Twink.
11:08Get them three-in-a-packet ones.
11:09They're three-in-a-packet, but you get, like, three different ones.
11:11Oh.
11:12Do you like Garibaldis?
11:13I do, actually.
11:15Twink, do you always get a Garibaldi with them?
11:17No, you always get a custard cream, but you don't always get a Garibaldi.
11:20It's like the lottery.
11:24It's nice in here, isn't it?
11:26We don't often come in here.
11:28Yeah, it is nice.
11:29Great tables.
11:30Really easy to wipe.
11:31We get a good view of the sheds from here.
11:34Well, we can always hear the machines go in.
11:36It's quiet today, actually, isn't it?
11:37They're not on.
11:39The big shed's closed.
11:40First time since 87.
11:43You don't notice the noise, do you?
11:46Till it stops.
11:47I won't have a tea.
11:49Thanks, anyway.
11:50Tea break extension may lead to detention.
12:00So, they have to sign that to say they've received them.
12:03Then you tick that to say that they've signed it.
12:06And then you collect the pink flimsy if they want the same order tomorrow.
12:09And that goes in the red tree?
12:11No, that goes in the buff folder.
12:13When you say buff, do you mean blue?
12:15No.
12:15Look, you bring it back to me and I'll sort it.
12:22All clear.
12:23She's not here.
12:24Do you want a brew?
12:25Do I not?
12:26I mean, I like bins, but hoesing them down in this weather.
12:30Not being crude, but it's brass monkeys.
12:34It's funny with the sheds off, innit?
12:36He's out by the bins, is Mr. Michael.
12:38Just stood around.
12:39What do you think's going to happen?
12:41Well, they might get a new order in.
12:43Yeah, they might.
12:43Do you mind this, Dan?
12:44Could be like the sound of music.
12:46Eh?
12:46Happy ending.
12:47Brilliant.
12:47Have you never seen it?
12:48I've seen it.
12:49It didn't get me there.
12:51Not like Love Story.
12:52That got me there.
12:54That didn't get me.
12:55Not there.
12:56But then I don't like people with centre partings.
13:01How's it going in here, then?
13:03It is really bad.
13:04I heard about the deep-fried camembert.
13:07I know.
13:07We had enough trouble with Ratatouille.
13:09Which doesn't help out.
13:10She's in office.
13:11We're the ones behind the counter taking all the flack.
13:13Michael hasn't been through here, has he?
13:15He's got to take a really important call in 20 minutes in his office.
13:17I'll buy the bins.
13:18I'll get him.
13:19Shall I?
13:19No, don't you come out.
13:21It's a brass monkey situation.
13:23Just tell me.
13:26He's a bit down.
13:27I phoned him last night at home,
13:28told him a bit about what was going on with factory.
13:30They've only lost one order, actually,
13:31but it was a blimmin' big one.
13:32I know, but it's keeping it all going, isn't it,
13:34till they get the payment in for the next order.
13:37Brent, what does it mean, it's brass monkeys?
13:40Well, it means it's, like, really cold.
13:42You know, cold enough to freeze the...
13:44off a...
13:45Though, actually, I've got a set of monkeys at home
13:48and they haven't got any on anyway.
13:53Not how it gets done in my kitchens.
13:57Yeah, but if we need to stand in a hurry...
13:59Then I will bleep him.
14:00There's no need to kneel upon the sink
14:02and lob a cardboard box at him out of the window.
14:06And you do not leave the sink
14:08until the washing-up is completed.
14:09I've been on sink for two weeks.
14:11With Tony, we only went on sink maybe once in a shift.
14:14Well, I'm sorry to say this of a person who's on chemotherapy,
14:17but Tony had a lot of funny ideas.
14:20Letting people out to buy panty liners in firm's time.
14:25Allowing people to weigh themselves willy-nilly.
14:28Tony understood people.
14:29He understood women.
14:31He should have.
14:31He'd done enough research.
14:33They were stacked a foot high, those magazines in there.
14:36He knew there was more to life than portion control.
14:39He knew his market.
14:41Brie and beetroot.
14:42Not a combination that'll ever catch on here.
14:44Are you questioning my authority?
14:46I'm questioning the sense of running this place
14:48like a deep-fried dictatorship.
14:51You don't know the first thing about handling a workforce.
14:53I'm warning you.
14:54Oh, don't bother.
14:56Save your breath to cool your kiwi fruit.
14:59Tony gave leeway and he got commitment.
15:02That's right.
15:03I'm not sticking around for this.
15:05Nor me.
15:06Tony might have had a little bit of a pornographic side to him,
15:10but he had heart.
15:12He cared.
15:13Even Mussolini let them dance round a maypole.
15:17Red, I'll call you.
15:20Right.
15:21I don't think we need to spend any more time
15:23on two rather sad individuals
15:25who can't see the exciting potential of beetroot.
15:30Excuse me.
15:32The pharmacy is to be collected from the top floor.
15:34Seven minutes
15:35and I hope you've remembered
15:36where to put your pink flimsy.
15:38I have.
15:40Why don't you walk a bit slower?
15:42All right.
15:43I'd like to see you buck your ideas up as well.
15:50Is there something I'm doing wrong?
15:52I want focus, Anita.
15:53I want drive.
15:54I want commitment.
15:56How can I respect someone who lets her hormones affect her portion control?
16:00With Tony, it was all a bit more free and easy.
16:02I mean, you know, it all got done,
16:04but if someone was having a bit of a...
16:05Yes.
16:06You know, a bit of a female...
16:07You know, a bit of a PMT-type thingy bob,
16:09then they could go and have a skulk
16:11and Tony would cover for them.
16:12Well, I'm not, Tony.
16:13I don't want your problems,
16:15I don't want your personal life,
16:16and I don't want any sort of relationship
16:18with your reproductive cycle.
16:20If you can't come to me, Anita,
16:21tomorrow morning and say,
16:23Nicola, I am 100% committed to catering,
16:25then don't come in at all.
16:26What are you looking at?
16:34I'm looking at a kitchen with not enough people in it,
16:36do you know what I mean?
16:38Oh, don't worry,
16:39this is a fairly standard staffing problem
16:40as far as I'm concerned.
16:42I bet it is.
16:43Are you being insolent?
16:45I don't know, am I?
16:46Right, I'll check how far Miss Dopey's got
16:48with the top-floor thermoses.
16:50Nicola?
16:50Nicola, we need a word urgently.
16:52Take a seat.
16:53Back shortly.
16:53Fantastic news!
16:56A factory in Scotland's had a chemical leak
16:58and they've had to close down temporarily.
17:00And they're in the middle of a big order for Scandinavia,
17:02which they can't complete.
17:04So Mr. Michaels arranged for us
17:05to take over from the Scottish factory
17:07and complete the rest of the order here, tonight.
17:09Oh!
17:10And if we can bring that in on time,
17:12then we can bid for the next order
17:13and we'll be back in business.
17:15Oh, brilliant.
17:17But, so, what am I saying?
17:19The only way we can complete this first order
17:21is to run the sheds 24 hours,
17:23which means running the canteen 24 hours.
17:25Right, yeah.
17:26We're really asking a big favour of the men.
17:28We need to offer hot meals right through the night.
17:31So how do you think the girls will feel, Bren,
17:33about working a whole night shift?
17:34Anita and Twink will be dead keen, I imagine.
17:37Do you think Dolly and Jean will cope?
17:40LAUGHTER
17:40Look, I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job.
17:43I beg to recap.
17:45You want the canteen to stay open
17:47right through to tomorrow morning,
17:48but it's not to cost any more money.
17:50The men have volunteered to do these shifts.
17:53It's all goodwill.
17:54I can't believe you've let two of the staff walk out.
17:56And we don't know about Anita.
17:57And we don't know about Anita.
17:58What we don't know about Anita
17:59is why the heck she was given a job here in the first place.
18:02She's about as much use as knickers on an avocado.
18:06And Dolly and Jean are no loss.
18:08Oh, those executive platters they're so proud of.
18:11That sort of parsley garnish went out with the Bee Gees.
18:14LAUGHTER
18:15The canteen will be open,
18:17but we will not do toast,
18:19we will not do chips,
18:20and unless you increase my budget
18:22to allow for replacement counter-staff,
18:24we will not do custard.
18:25Excuse me.
18:27LAUGHTER
18:28That's a bit sad.
18:29No custard.
18:31Gives a bit of a cheery atmosphere, I always feel.
18:34LAUGHTER
18:34Never mind, Mikey.
18:37LAUGHTER
18:38It's all happening down there, isn't it?
18:44I've never seen it this busy.
18:46How are you set up for the first meal break?
18:47You're joking me.
18:49There's two of us doing five people's jobs here.
18:51We've hardly cleared up from dinner time.
18:53But what about Anita?
18:54She's phoning her now.
18:56Well, she's in no breach if she don't come back.
18:58This is a voluntary shift.
19:00Oh, do you mean voluntary?
19:01They can't make you do it.
19:03Oh, I didn't get that.
19:04I thought it were, like, compulsory.
19:06No, but we can't let factory down.
19:08I can.
19:09Do an extra shift for that bum-faced crack pound.
19:11I don't think so.
19:11LAUGHTER
19:14Twink.
19:15Keeping the canteen going is keeping the men going,
19:18is keeping the factory open.
19:19Do you know what I mean?
19:19Look, Brian.
19:20No offence, but look around.
19:22It's a tatty old canteen in a crummy old factory.
19:25It's going to close down sooner or later.
19:26You're asking me to work through the night for that scrotum.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:30I know, but it's not to do with her.
19:33This is for men and for Mr Michael and for Tony.
19:35Do you know what I mean?
19:36And for us.
19:37Do you know what I mean?
19:38I mean, we're a team, aren't we?
19:39Do you know what I mean?
19:39I mean, do you not think that that means something?
19:41Don't mean nothing to me.
19:43Sorry.
19:44See you tomorrow.
19:45Well, I'm here anyway, don't forget.
19:47I can clear up at least.
19:49Yeah, thanks.
19:52Anita's not coming back in, apparently.
19:54I spoke to her father.
19:56Is that girl in the toilet again?
19:58Twinkle's gone.
20:00She's not working the shift.
20:02Oh, honestly, Brenda, I thought you might be a bit more persuasive than that.
20:06It's incomprehensible what's gone on here.
20:09There's no structure, no team spirit.
20:11I'll tell you what's incomprehensible.
20:13Stan!
20:13No!
20:14I've got my dander up now.
20:17LAUGHTER
20:17Incomprehensible.
20:18It's worse than that.
20:19It's unbelievable.
20:21You're obtuse, you.
20:23You think I just go around mopping, don't you?
20:25I don't.
20:26You think I'm just in with floor polisher.
20:29I'm not.
20:30I'm lucky, lucky, watchy, watchy.
20:32I'm the brass monkey that knew where the banana was.
20:35And I've seen you alienate, belittle, upset, criticise and verbally talk down to type thing.
20:44And these are not only my friends.
20:47They're not only loyal, hard-working food preparation preparers.
20:51But female women!
20:52LAUGHTER
20:53I'm not bothered about myself.
20:56Stan, the person.
20:58I saw which way the roof was leaking when you put a stop to a free brew.
21:01No, it's you I'm agitating for.
21:04You've got to live with yourself in the morning.
21:05I haven't.
21:07I live with me dad, actually.
21:08LAUGHTER
21:09You've got to look yourself in the mirror and say,
21:12I've upset folk.
21:14I've given on way too much beetroot.
21:15And basically, when it comes to dealing with people, I am bog useless.
21:21Good luck, wait night shift, because wiping tables I won't be.
21:28I won't be wiping them.
21:30LAUGHTER
21:31He didn't mean it.
21:36LAUGHTER
21:37Look, shall I phone head office to get some casuals?
21:42What's the code?
21:42Oh, they'll have gone home now.
21:44Two sevens.
21:45There's no point.
21:46That's what I'm saying.
21:47There's no point ringing them, because there won't be anybody there.
21:49No, I mean, what's the point of any of it, really?
21:52Oh, bloomin' heck, I haven't got my bloomin' soup on yet.
21:54The thing is, I'm not good with people.
21:57What do you reckon?
21:57Country vegetable?
21:59At college, I could never fit in.
22:02Eh?
22:02I couldn't fit in at college.
22:05They'd all be there, playing ping-pong.
22:07And I'd be there, on my own.
22:10I'm not surprised you couldn't fit in playing ping-pong on your own.
22:13LAUGHTER
22:13What did you do?
22:16Hit it and run round the table?
22:18LAUGHTER
22:18It just fell into place, just then.
22:22What Stan said about people.
22:24I can't connect with them.
22:26I can't communicate.
22:28Yeah, but I think you have to be positive and, like, accept things.
22:31Like, you know that thing on the fairground?
22:32It goes round and round, and you sit in a little...
22:34The waltzer?
22:35Yeah.
22:35Well, I love waltzers, but I can't go on them,
22:38cos I can't go round and round.
22:39I go, like, down, and I go across,
22:42but I can't go round and round.
22:43Cos it does something to me here, and then I fall over.
22:46But I couldn't accept it, you know,
22:48and I'd keep going on, and I'd come off, and I'd fall over.
22:51And in the end, you think, well, is it worth it, you know?
22:53Two twizzes and whack your face down in a chip.
22:55LAUGHTER
22:56So I faced it.
22:59Can't do waltzers.
23:00End of story.
23:01And that's like you are with people.
23:03You try and get on with them, and you can't,
23:05so why do you bother?
23:06LAUGHTER
23:07So if I can't deal with people...
23:12Choose a job where there aren't any.
23:14LAUGHTER
23:14Well, that's very weird.
23:15You should say that.
23:16So, we'll both have to serve, won't we?
23:19I've applied for a job with no people.
23:21Have you?
23:21Or do you think people would serve themselves?
23:23I wasn't going to go.
23:25The interview's in Scotland tomorrow morning.
23:28They could maybe do their own best.
23:29That's so weird.
23:32I'm actually booked on the next train from Piccadilly.
23:35I was going to stay and not go.
23:38But now, I'm not going to stay.
23:40I'm going to go.
23:41You're not catching a train now?
23:43Yes.
23:43You're leaving me here
23:46to run a canteen all on me own
23:48all through the night
23:50and feed 400 people?
23:51Look, I can see it's difficult.
23:54LAUGHTER
23:55Oh, can you?
23:59You say you're not good with people.
24:00That's a flipping thingy-bob.
24:02Understatement, that is.
24:03What job is it you're going for?
24:04Because unless it's sat in a cardboard box
24:06in the middle of Gobi Desert,
24:07I wouldn't bother applying.
24:09It's this.
24:10Size 24, wedding dress, never worn.
24:13Ooh, that!
24:16Nice job.
24:18There's a lot of steps up to a lighthouse, you know.
24:22I hurdle at the weekends.
24:24Do you?
24:26Lovely.
24:26Lovely.
24:30Everybody OK?
24:31Yep.
24:31This is brilliant.
24:32This is absolutely brilliant.
24:34There's chips, pie, soup.
24:35I mean, really.
24:35They've got everything they could want.
24:37Yeah, but the thing is,
24:38we have to keep the queue moving.
24:39Absolutely.
24:39They have to go from you to me
24:40to the till and off.
24:42And Stan, you're like a bookish runner
24:43behind the counter.
24:44And once first lot have had the dinner,
24:46you clip tables.
24:46It's a roving brief.
24:48Cater up without portfolio.
24:52How long there, Mr Michael?
24:53About four minutes.
24:54Fair enough.
24:55Are you logged on with that till?
24:56I think so.
24:57Ah, no, don't do it.
24:59And don't stand too near,
25:00otherwise you get a right whacking midriff.
25:03That darn woman, Nicola.
25:04I absolutely could spit.
25:06I mean, what a lurch to leave us in.
25:07I know.
25:08Talk about you picked a fine time
25:09to leave me, Lucille.
25:12With a do-do-do-do-do
25:13and a crop in the field.
25:17Exactly.
25:17And he was in a wheelchair.
25:23No, that's Ruby.
25:24Don't take your love to town.
25:26Three minutes.
25:28Oh, crikey, Mikey.
25:29No, come on.
25:30It's an adventure, this.
25:31It's like a film.
25:32I was saying to Stan,
25:32it's like the sound of music.
25:34One minute,
25:34they're hiding from Nazis,
25:35the next they're up and out
25:36with capes on, singing.
25:37Have you never seen it?
25:38It's brilliant.
25:39I think I missed that one.
25:40Oh, well, it's like
25:41Whistle Down the Wind.
25:42Have you never seen that?
25:42It's brilliant.
25:43No.
25:43Well, it's about these children
25:44that find Jesus in a barn.
25:46Well, it's Alan Bates.
25:49Have you never seen it?
25:50No.
25:50Does it have a happy ending?
25:51No, it doesn't, actually,
25:52because they take him away
25:53and put him in prison.
25:53It's a bit depressing.
25:54But I'll tell you what this is like.
25:57In the sixth happiness.
25:59Yes, Ingrid Bergman.
26:00When she's getting all those little children
26:01back into China,
26:02and they're all singing
26:03There's so many.
26:04Two minutes.
26:06Oh, God, is there someone coming?
26:07You said you weren't doing shit.
26:10What?
26:10I can change my mind, can't I?
26:12And I'm not going on sync.
26:13Where's Godfair?
26:14Packed up.
26:15Gone.
26:16I phoned Jean to tell her
26:17what she wanted.
26:18Anita!
26:19Well, Twink needed a lift.
26:21This is brilliant.
26:22She's not here.
26:23Nicola Bader.
26:24She's gone for a job
26:25in a lighthouse.
26:28Eastern Breeze.
26:29Lovely.
26:31Could I hand over the till now,
26:33do you think?
26:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:34Just want to see how the lads are doing.
26:36One minute, I imagine.
26:38So we're only, what,
26:39two trained personnel down?
26:41Yeah, but normally
26:41we'd have Dolly and Jean
26:43and if there was a rush on,
26:44Tony would help out
26:44so we're not actually
26:45in a brilliant situation
26:46manpower-wise.
26:47And really, from two o'clock
26:48we should be looking
26:49at starting up a full breakfast.
26:51Oh, golly,
26:51so they're not going to settle
26:52for a bowl of muesli?
26:53No!
26:55That was a joke, by the way.
26:57Oh, right, yeah.
26:58Muesli.
27:00That was it.
27:01Here they come.
27:02Oh, perhaps.
27:05Evening.
27:05Got your message, friend?
27:07They can get,
27:08can't they're the overalls
27:10if you're heavy busted.
27:15Who did this gravy?
27:17Stan.
27:18Men can't whisk.
27:20It's the testosterone.
27:21I thought she'd walked out.
27:25We're in, stated ourselves.
27:27What are you grinning at?
27:29Nothing.
27:30I was just saying,
27:30it's like the inn
27:31of the six happiness.
27:32It is like the inn
27:33of the blooming six happiness.
27:34Eh?
27:34Ingrid Duda.
27:36Gladys Aylward.
27:37The little woman.
27:38Oh, be quiet.
27:41So, what's happened
27:42to the cow of Gatering?
27:44She's gone for this.
27:45Size 24 wedding dress,
27:46never worked.
27:48They're coming out
27:49of the sheds now.
27:50Stand by.
27:50She's gone
27:51to be a lighthouse keeper.
27:59Evening.
28:01Your mum said
28:02you were asleep.
28:03I was.
28:05What's that horrible smell?
28:06An eater.
28:10I've had chemotherapy
28:11that smelled better than that.
28:14Jean,
28:15I like a blouse
28:15as much as the next sex addict.
28:17But get your overall on
28:18and get your blooming dumplings
28:19off the menu.
28:20Do us all a favour, eh?
28:24You all right, Brent?
28:25Coat without me.
28:27How's it been?
28:28It's been great, yeah.
28:30It's been brilliant, actually.
28:31No probs.
28:32You all right.
28:36Thank you, Professor.
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