- 1 day ago
Tony and Bren arrive early to the canteen in much better moods than usual. Unfortunately, everyone else is in a bad temper. Stan has had trouble with his father, Dolly and Jean bicker continuously, Anita is convinced her new haircut makes her look like Fatima Whitbread, and Twinkle thinks she is pregnant. Philippa suggests having a "Bring Your Mother To Work" day to cheer everyone up, though Dolly's sarcastic mother Enid (Thora Hird) and Jean's ymphomaniac mother Connie (Dora Bryan) do little to raise the workers' spirits. Stan brings his father, Jim (Eric Sykes) and Petula arrives with an old lady who she says is her own mother.
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FunTranscript
00:00Blimey, what's up with you? Been here all night?
00:24I've been here for 20 minutes, me. Rise and shine.
00:27Why though?
00:28I'm in a good mood. I've had a good result.
00:29Has your wife come back?
00:31Er...
00:32We've got an early Christmas present. Tie.
00:35Brent, can I just say, never give a man a tie.
00:38Why not?
00:39Because we've all got them anyway. Men have to wear ties.
00:41It's like giving a plumber a bit of copper piping.
00:44What do men like, then? Cufflinks, jokey soap?
00:47We don't want any of it, Brent. All a bloke really wants for Christmas
00:50is a voucher that says,
00:51Take this to 32 Sycamore Avenue.
00:53Mrs Janet Farne's vans will be stark naked waiting for you.
00:56You can have as long as you like, you get a cup of tea afterwards
00:59and you don't have to have a bloody conversation.
01:01OK, so, good result. Not a present. You haven't had sex, have you?
01:08Oh, Brent, please do not approach the tomb of the forbidden subject.
01:12I'm a lonely celibate, me. I do nothing. I go home and fry eggs.
01:17If I ever do get a girl to come back to my place, I won't know what to do with her.
01:20I'll be flicking hot fat at her with a spatula.
01:23Well, what, then?
01:26The hospital. My tests. I've had a nice little scan, I have.
01:30Oh, that's brilliant.
01:31So it's looking good again. I'm standing a good chance of getting to be a dirty old man.
01:35Oh, that's brilliant.
01:36So, when you're in your old folks' home, plonked on your commode in front of the telly,
01:40I'll come and flash at you through the window.
01:42Well, tap on it first, make sure I've got my specs on.
01:45So, were they, like, really pleased with you at the hospital?
01:48Oh, they were over the moon. Tell you what, though, when it was looking a bit dodgy.
01:52Yeah.
01:53And I was thinking, that was a waste of a five-year rust warranty.
01:56Yeah.
01:57I was thinking, I could die here, and I've never caught Bren in a bra.
02:01Oh, were you?
02:02Yeah. Dead and never seen Bren's bosoms.
02:05If I'd been dying, would you have shown them to me?
02:08I might have.
02:09Do you want to get one out now as a deposit?
02:13I bet Sting's not humping potatoes.
02:15Oh, I bet he is. He does it for six hours at a time, does Sting.
02:18He'd need to be a potato to put up with it.
02:21Where's my carrots?
02:22Hang about.
02:24Hi, Stan.
02:34Ooh, I don't like that.
02:36Failure to respond to cheery greeting.
02:38Didn't ask for a brew.
02:39He's getting a mood.
02:40That left filters off, you know, at the Derby Road turn-off.
02:44I'm going to phone the council.
02:47If you want to pile scrap metal outside the central library and call it aggression,
02:51you can be funded for that, no problem.
02:54But be a heterosexual white woman trying to turn left, you're not catered for.
03:01And Bob's kept me up with his coughing since a quarter to one.
03:04You're lucky you're not married to Sting.
03:06Well, don't wait.
03:08I did wait.
03:09You were just stood by the car gawping.
03:11I was not gawping.
03:13Oh, I have to keep moving, Jean.
03:15What are those for?
03:16Carrots, mate.
03:17I was not gawping.
03:18I just suddenly thought I got my pants on the wrong way round.
03:23But the label seemed to be digging in on the opposite leg.
03:26Shall I check, Jean?
03:27So I put my hand down.
03:28It was a brown flea.
03:30I had something in my brow once, and do you know what it was?
03:36A little, tiny, plastic Darth Vader.
03:38Ooh, where did he come from?
03:39Well, he come from the same place as Obi-Wan Kenobi, didn't he?
03:42See, Farrington sat there when Braley shot through and Sha tapped it in.
03:47Said they weren't going to play him forward.
03:49Then they played him forward.
03:50Unflipping believable, isn't it?
03:51It is.
03:53What was he talking about?
03:55What was he talking about?
03:56No idea.
03:58You're doing it again.
04:00What?
04:01You were gawping at the veg man.
04:03I was not gawping at the veg man.
04:05Well, you've remarked on his buttocks before now.
04:09That was the bread man's lad, not the veg man.
04:11That was years ago.
04:13I'm completely unmoved by the veg man's buttocks.
04:17Morning, old pixie with the laughing face.
04:20Hi, Twinkle.
04:21You all right?
04:22Don't tell me you want to know about me period.
04:24You don't scare me off that way.
04:27I've worked here too long.
04:29I've heard it all.
04:30Wounds, panty liners, nipple shields.
04:33Come on if you think you're hard enough.
04:34Period.
04:35Ha, ha.
04:36Three weeks late.
04:37Bren, you sort it.
04:38I'm having a fun.
04:42And shut the door.
04:44Oh, he's not still in there.
04:46I'm going to the other one.
04:48I'll come with you but you'll have to keep up.
04:50Eh?
04:51Oh, you see.
04:52Even with an urgent bladder call you're handling.
04:57What do you reckon then?
04:58Are you really three weeks late?
04:59Yeah, I am, Bren.
05:00Do you know when it might have, who it was type thing?
05:02Oh, yeah.
05:03He's a really nice bloke actually.
05:05Who just liked watching vids and having a drink and that.
05:07And he'd done us a frozen pizza.
05:09He just took it out of the oven and, you know.
05:11Did he use protection?
05:12Oven mitts.
05:13I know he did, yeah.
05:14Oh, well.
05:15It'll probably be alright then, cos that's an urban myth, innit, that they put holes in
05:16every tenth packet.
05:17Have you ever been three weeks late?
05:18Yeah, I have actually.
05:19Did you find out what it was?
05:20Yeah, I was pregnant.
05:21No, I'm kidding.
05:22I'm kidding.
05:23I'm kidding.
05:24It won't be anything.
05:25It'll be a hard boiled egg or something.
05:26Hey, Anita.
05:27Hey, I like your hair.
05:28Oh, don't.
05:29I'm really upset.
05:30I look like fat in my wet bread.
05:31Ah!
05:32Anita!
05:33Stan!
05:34I'm not to blame.
05:35Don't go laying this at my door.
05:36I wanted the maxi drum system installed throughout, but, oh, no.
05:38Them upstairs, be fine.
05:39No.
05:40No.
05:41No.
05:42No.
05:43No.
05:44No.
05:45No.
05:46No.
05:47No.
05:48No.
05:49No.
05:50No.
05:51No.
05:52No.
05:53No.
05:54No.
05:55No.
05:56No.
05:57No.
05:58No.
05:59You had heard the drop down stack, with the notoriously weak pin hinge.
06:03What?
06:04Anita went in the toilet while Stan was still in there.
06:06I had to sit on the seat, otherwise you'd get in no purchase on your spindle pin.
06:10You should never have come in.
06:12I had me corn out!
06:14LAUGHTER
06:15My dad was a desert rat.
06:17He saved a man's life with a tablespoon.
06:20Hang on, Stan.
06:21Enough.
06:22My corn's out.
06:23My dander's up.
06:24Leave it.
06:25LAUGHTER
06:27Ren, you go in and talk to him.
06:33Oh, thanks. You didn't see him when he came out the first time.
06:35He's like the incredible... Journey? No.
06:37Shrinking woman? No, top sense. The incredible...
06:39How could Stan be like the incredible shrinking woman?
06:42He's a great big man, do you know what I mean?
06:45He's about as much like an incredible shrinking woman
06:46as something else that isn't like one.
06:48I'm upset. It was me who saw him sitting on the toilet.
06:53I think I should have cancelling.
06:54You can have some of mine.
06:56She gets on my wick with her rib tights.
06:59Philippa's coming to try and talk some sense into him.
07:01Are you nearly open? Won't be long.
07:03Oh, counselling.
07:05My mother was trapped under a blackpool tram for four and a half hours.
07:08She didn't get counselling.
07:11She got a cup of tea and two tickets to Charlie Drake.
07:16Shooter's going up.
07:20Hi, Tony. Can I have 12 rounds of wine?
07:22You can have a bottle of wine and a night of hot sex if you'd rather.
07:26Well, I can't. I've got cystitis.
07:28I can't have a drink till Thursday.
07:3112 rounds.
07:33More fat spread.
07:34Hang on.
07:35He's still in there.
07:36You see, it might be better just to leave him.
07:37That's our toilet. We need access.
07:40I've worked on my pelvic floor.
07:42Jeans more or less let hers dangle.
07:44What sort of stage is Stan in? Do we know?
07:49Well, his dander's up.
07:50He's threatened me with a block disinfectant.
07:52OK, I'm going to try something.
07:54Stan!
07:55Beg it off!
07:56Well done. Short, sweet and useless.
07:59What's happening about me toss?
08:00Shh! This is very delicate.
08:02And where has it got you?
08:03Having a pelvic floor like a bulldog clip.
08:05Well, if you'd ever let your Keith out of the spare bedroom, you'd find out.
08:13Stan, I'm coming in.
08:14You're not.
08:15OK.
08:17Tommy!
08:17Tommy, can you do me little fat spread?
08:20Shh!
08:20You see, music might help him there.
08:22What is he like, friend?
08:23Well, he likes the band of the Grenadier Guards, but they're not fit through the expo there.
08:27Tommy!
08:27Sorry, love. Anita, do Jane's toast.
08:30Tommy!
08:31Stan, this is ludicrous. I absolutely am coming in.
08:34You're not!
08:35Well, I am in a minute.
08:36You're riding for a big fat fall, Dolly Belfield.
08:39Just because I have a full sex life.
08:42Oh, yeah. And what's that appliance in your underskirt drawer?
08:48It's for stiff necks.
08:53OK, I'm fed up now.
08:55It's me 12 rounds, more fat spread.
08:58I like your hair.
08:59Do you really?
09:00Yeah.
09:01It gives you a look of Fatima Whitbread.
09:05Well, shut up, Anita!
09:07Girls!
09:09No, I won't let go!
09:11Tony, can you sort me toast?
09:12Give up with your water once you get out of me going, had you?
09:15I'm getting my period!
09:16Well, do you want to get one for me while you're at it?
09:18Cos I'd flippin' like that!
09:21Would margarine be quicker?
09:23They're pushing in when a man's got his corn out!
09:28Come on!
09:29Come on, Dad!
09:30You're stupid and you've got a stupider!
09:33Ben!
09:33I'm going to try this again!
09:35Ow!
09:37Ow!
09:37Come on, Jean.
09:38To medical.
09:40Ben, get the accident books.
09:43Ben, can you spread them for Tony?
09:46Eh?
09:48Toast!
09:49Yeah.
09:55Accident, two foot, cause of accident?
09:58Erm...
09:58Arsing about?
09:59Fair enough.
10:02That doesn't look right.
10:03Is there an E in arsing?
10:07What's up with them all, Brent?
10:08Well, it's that ad bonfire night, long time till Christmas type feeling, innit?
10:11We can't have them chucking pans at each other till Christmas.
10:14Hi, Stan.
10:15I'm through.
10:16I've been having a think by the front steps.
10:19There was a canine faeces alert.
10:23Turned out to be autumn foliage in a lump.
10:28And I felt I should come in and say to you, Tony, read this morning's incident.
10:32I was completely out of order.
10:34All done with, Stan.
10:35But I don't know how Philippa Thing feels about it.
10:38She belittled my appliances.
10:40Did she?
10:40She's as good as made fun of my gone.
10:44Not on, Stan.
10:45The Paris wouldn't have done that.
10:47Anyway.
10:48What about Twink, then?
10:53She don't want to have a baby, does she?
10:54Don't know.
10:55She could have it adopted, maybe.
10:56Because there's hardly any babies left now for adoption, are there?
10:59People are turning up at these adoption agencies and saying, what have you got?
11:02And they're going, well, we've got, like, three mature students left in a bookcase, you
11:04know what?
11:07And there's Anita.
11:08Well, she wants a baby, see?
11:09Hey, maybe Twink could do that thing.
11:11Oh, what's it called?
11:11Sounds like that place in North Yorkshire.
11:13It's not how it seems, sweetheart.
11:25What's happened?
11:26Well, it's something and nothing.
11:29We were having a laugh about it on the way here, actually, weren't we, Kirsten?
11:33That's right, yes.
11:35It's a gentleman friend.
11:37He's in a little bit of awkwardness with a so-called girlfriend who turned out to be
11:41plain clothes.
11:43I did say to him she's too heavy for a lap dancer.
11:48Don't worry.
11:49I'm in a gorgeous little squad car.
11:51The suspension's superb.
11:53I remember being taken for questioning once on Malta and, boy, I felt every bump in the
11:57road.
11:58You should make a move, actually.
12:00She's absolutely, sweetheart.
12:01Gorgeous, isn't she?
12:02Like a white Nina Simone.
12:07Just in case I get delayed, Graham.
12:10Can you nip to the caravan for me?
12:12Yep.
12:14If you look on the chemical toilet, you'll find half a shepherd's pie under a cardigan.
12:18I don't think the mince will go another day.
12:21You could probably scrape the mash off the top and make potato cakes.
12:26I used to fry those up for Lauren Bacall years ago.
12:30Do you remember, Bred?
12:30No.
12:31Oh, no, you weren't there.
12:32I think she was lonely in later years.
12:35I used to say to her, you were lucky, Betty.
12:39You chose the right man.
12:41How many people can look back at the end and say, in the glare of the world's press, I
12:46picked my bogey?
12:48It may have changed for you, didn't it, Bred?
12:56Broke the routine, me popping in.
12:59You see, it's done for them, you see, Kirsty.
13:03You're out and about.
13:06Was she under arrest, Bred?
13:08I suppose so.
13:09Was that your mum, Bred?
13:10Yeah.
13:11You look like she was under arrest.
13:12Yeah.
13:13Do you want me to do anything?
13:14No.
13:15I was so furious with myself about this morning.
13:18I did a two-day intensive in workplace flare-ups and still make a complete rollux of the
13:22whole thing.
13:23I'll tell you, my self-esteem, this low.
13:26Jean's all right.
13:26Got a cab on.
13:27She was laughing.
13:28She's fell out with Dolly.
13:29No, you see, I didn't even know that.
13:31And then there's Anita's ur-do.
13:32Ur-do?
13:33Not Gujarati.
13:34Oh, hairdo!
13:41Not that wrong, you see.
13:42You were just saying everybody's feeling really November-ish.
13:45We need something like, oh, what's that film?
13:47A Night to Remember?
13:48A Day at the Races?
13:49Nine and a half weeks.
13:49Genevieve.
13:52Brent, Night to Remember, Genevieve?
13:54Kenneth Moore.
13:54They used to show Genevieve at the children's home for a treat.
13:57It's very healthy, actually, to break the routine.
14:00Oh, that's what my mother said.
14:00She said it was a treat for me, her popping in, which it wasn't.
14:03Anyway.
14:04Why don't we have a tea party for all the mothers?
14:07Could do.
14:08Stan could bring his mother to make up for this morning.
14:11No.
14:11No, Stan, how would you like to bring your mother to a tea party?
14:15Bring her to a tea party?
14:17Are you crackers?
14:19She ran off with the piano tuner in 1954.
14:23My dad's never got over it.
14:25He didn't cry till 1966 when Germany equalised.
14:30And you want to bring her here to a tea party?
14:32Charlie, you're in the wrong job.
14:34I know.
14:35I know.
14:41I can have four teas.
14:43One milky, one not so milky, one black, one not so black.
14:46I might have a jacket potato.
14:47What do you mean, one not so black?
14:50It's not for me.
14:50I have tango.
14:51I'm just following orders.
14:53That's what they said at Nuremberg.
14:54How does it come with the jacket?
14:59Tuna and sweet corn, cheddar, coleslaw.
15:01Tuna.
15:02Can I just check something, Brent?
15:03Yeah.
15:05I've done all the invitations except your mother's.
15:07I just need the address of the caravan.
15:08Don't ask my mother.
15:09I'm not asking my mother to come.
15:10Well, I mean, she wouldn't come.
15:11I wouldn't ask her.
15:12You have to learn to state your needs, Brent.
15:14Oh, I can't bear that word, needs.
15:15What's the other word I can't stand?
15:17Ashfelt.
15:18Are you inviting me on, mother?
15:19Oh, no.
15:19She's a complete nightmare.
15:20Do-do-do, then.
15:21Do you know what I mean?
15:22Golly, I wouldn't ask my mother.
15:25Any sign?
15:26No.
15:27Going to tell your mum?
15:28I don't know, Brent.
15:29Excuse me.
15:30Yeah?
15:31This tuna and sweet corn.
15:32Yeah.
15:33It's all mixed up.
15:34Keep going.
15:35Well, what I really wanted was tuna and sweet corn, separately.
15:40We don't do tuna and sweet corn.
15:41We only do tuna and sweet corn.
15:44I'm not with.
15:45We only do it with a and.
15:48I'm still not with.
15:50Tuna and sweet corn.
15:52And means it's all mushed up.
15:53It goes together.
15:54Morecambe and wise.
15:55Little and large.
15:57Wallace and grommet.
15:58Baby food.
15:59That doesn't go together.
16:01It's all mushed up.
16:06Can I just say something?
16:07Do you mind?
16:08There's some quite big things going on in the world.
16:10There's rainforests coming down and polar ice caps melting and people living in cardboard boxes.
16:14You've asked for some dinner and we have actually given you some.
16:16It might not be a perfect dinner, but then it's not a perfect universe.
16:19And I think you have to, like, take what you're given and, like, deal with it.
16:21Okay.
16:21Good going, ma'am.
16:30Well.
16:31I'm really looking forward to meeting your mum, Anita.
16:39Well, she's always really busy.
16:41She might not come.
16:43Oh, golly, do you think she's a home worker?
16:45She's probably sitting at a sewing machine for 12 hours a day.
16:48Does she speak English?
16:49She may not go out, you see.
16:51Do you know anything about her, Brent?
16:52She's an estate agent.
16:53Oh, well, fine.
16:57How do you feel?
16:58A bit pregnant or...?
16:59I don't know.
17:00I'm a bit puffed up.
17:01But I've just had a can of pop, so...
17:04And you'd better tell your mum.
17:05The thing is, she doesn't really have much idea what goes on.
17:09In her day, they didn't really do it, did they?
17:11How old is she?
17:1138.
17:12Right.
17:12Well, you tell her.
17:17Me?
17:17You could tell her we're just one of those things, you know,
17:19someone cooks your pizza and you think,
17:20oh, go on then.
17:22Will you tell her for me?
17:24Do you want me to?
17:25Yeah.
17:26Do you want me to?
17:27Yeah.
17:28Do you want me to, though?
17:28Yeah.
17:33Here we are.
17:37Hello, Mum.
17:38Cup of tea?
17:39Did you get that skirt from a catalogue?
17:45No.
17:45Pity.
17:46You could have sent it back.
17:50Mum.
17:51No, honestly, it's very funny.
17:53Well, it wasn't meant to be.
17:54Dolly will tell you.
17:55I haven't got a sense of humour.
17:57I'm sure you have.
17:59What do you know about it?
18:00Sorry.
18:02Where are you from?
18:03Sorry.
18:07This is nice.
18:09Well, you're easily suited.
18:12I'll just...
18:13Bren, shall we go and see if those biscuits are out?
18:16Sorry, I just needed a breather.
18:18I think your mum will come, by the way.
18:20Eh?
18:21I went to the caravan.
18:22She was a little bit...
18:23Drunk.
18:23Well, cheery.
18:25I kept telling her where it was.
18:26I said, it's bring your mother to work.
18:28Everyone's bringing their mothers.
18:30I think she got it.
18:32Well, it's nice, isn't it?
18:33Everybody, this is Stan's dad, Jim.
18:37And this is Jean's mum, Connie.
18:39Hello, everybody.
18:40And this is Dolly's mum, Enid.
18:42Oh, pleased to meet you.
18:44They tried to get me in the tracksuit once.
18:46Oh.
18:47They don't flatter.
18:48Oh, I think I'll look rather good in mine.
18:54Oh, yeah.
18:54A cup of tea, Dad.
18:57This will be your first visit to Stan's place of work, will it?
19:00I'll drink my tea, if you don't mind, rather than chat.
19:08Fair enough.
19:09I think these modern fabrics are marvellous.
19:12And lovely, bright colours.
19:14Yes, and look at this elastic.
19:16Yeah?
19:16You can be bare-arsed in seconds.
19:18If Jean was having a full sex life, these would be a boon.
19:27On the night, it's a no problem.
19:30Mother.
19:30But she won't take the trouble, you see.
19:33That's why Keith's gone off the boil.
19:35I keep telling her, sex is like icing a cake.
19:38You've got to bloody concentrate.
19:43Oh, thank you.
19:44It's a lovely canteen, isn't it?
19:48I went to Surrey once.
19:53Really?
19:54Yes.
19:55On a coach tour.
19:56Oh.
19:57Guildford we went to.
19:59Guildford?
20:00Oh, golly, I come from just outside Guildford.
20:02So, did you look round Guildford?
20:04No, I didn't.
20:05I stayed in the coach.
20:06Look at that.
20:09I could see from the car park it wasn't my style.
20:14What do you do for the holidays, Connie?
20:16Oh, me.
20:17I'm in a fiesta mood on a daily basis.
20:21Oh, I can let my hair down any night of the week.
20:25Or day, for that matter.
20:29Love in the afternoon, what do you say?
20:33Who wraps the tables down?
20:36Why?
20:36You ought to use vinegar.
20:38They used to reckon that'll stop you getting pregnant.
20:41Sorry?
20:42Vinegar.
20:42Well, how did that work, then?
20:44I mean, where did you put it?
20:45I put it on me chips.
20:46So, I had no chance, did I?
20:53Hence, Jean.
20:54Oh, she cramped my style for a few years, that's for sure.
20:59Donnie was a beautiful child.
21:01Dainty.
21:02Just like a little doll.
21:05And then suddenly, woof.
21:07She looked like a dinghy with plaits.
21:09That was puberty.
21:14It was not.
21:15It was pies.
21:17It must have had the biggest bottom in Whitefield.
21:21Well, they're a great pair of girls, your daughters.
21:24Are you the one that's got cancer?
21:25Well, it's looking good at the moment.
21:29That's what they've told you.
21:37Don't you like to look round the kitchens?
21:39I'll pass, actually.
21:40I thought you might like to see the sort of thing Anita gets up to.
21:44Hi.
21:45I have spoken to them.
21:47They're sticking at 825.
21:48Hold on, and I'll be up to the kitchen.
21:51Do you want to see the kitchens, Bev?
21:53Oh, I'll stick with the food if it's all the same to you.
21:55Mum?
21:56Twink makes me cakes, don't you, honey bun?
21:58And I get breakfast in bed, don't I?
22:00Mum?
22:01I'm showing her up now.
22:02No, she's a good girl.
22:04Looks after me tip-top, don't you?
22:06She's never given me an answer, Worry.
22:10Oh, no.
22:11Awfully grim, isn't it, round here?
22:13Hello.
22:15My taxi driver was a hoot-flip.
22:17I was quite tickled.
22:18And black as your hat with a Lancashire accent.
22:24Oh, good.
22:25I had a panic on the train.
22:27I'd be expected to drink sterilised.
22:29Oh, cripes.
22:30Oh, come on there, kiss.
22:32Oh, Flip.
22:34You haven't ironed between the buttonholes.
22:37Did you wash it buttoned up?
22:40Look, I don't know.
22:40Oh, you did.
22:41Oh, Flip, you are a juggins.
22:43Now, that's why they split on the collar seams,
22:46because you're pulling them over your head.
22:48It doesn't matter.
22:48How long does it take to unbutton a blouse lasting at night?
22:53It doesn't matter.
22:54Oh, darling, why does it all go wrong?
22:57You shouldn't be here.
22:59I like it here.
23:01Yes, I know, but really, it's...
23:03It's like a film with Albert Finney.
23:11That's where your problem is.
23:15Watch it, Dad!
23:17Don't tell me to watch it.
23:19I was a desert rat.
23:20We had to watch it.
23:23That's how Chalky White copped it.
23:26Oh, yeah.
23:26He let his guard slip.
23:28Bang, no head.
23:31Was he dead?
23:35He's never worked since.
23:38Of course he was dead.
23:39He had no head.
23:41Was he dead?
23:42He didn't have a head.
23:44What do you think he's doing?
23:45Living in a bungalow in Finney?
23:48Once you get your head shot off, that's you.
23:51It's not an arm, is it?
23:52A head.
23:54What do you think he's doing?
23:55What do you think he did?
23:57Put a hat on his neck and carried on as a bus conductor.
24:02Oh, you were dead all right.
24:03Bang, let his guard slip.
24:05Good night, V&A.
24:07Tell me to watch it.
24:09I did watch it.
24:11That's why I'm here now.
24:15That's it.
24:16You've snapped it off, Dad.
24:19I've saved your life, you mean.
24:21That was an accident waiting to happen.
24:23If that had been cracked when this canteen was full of people, woof, they'd have been dead in seconds.
24:29How am I going to fix it now?
24:32That's your problem, son.
24:33You work here.
24:35I'm off for a second cuppa.
24:37I only live round the corner.
24:40You can pop in and see me.
24:42I've got a vibrating mattress.
24:47I'll just go and, er...
24:49Of course, you see, we looked up to the government.
24:54That was the difference.
24:55Because they behave themselves.
24:58That's right.
24:59I mean, they didn't love themselves with female hunky-punky.
25:02Oh, I know.
25:03They run off with these silly girls.
25:05We never had any of that with dear old Ted Heath.
25:08No.
25:09Oh, come on, Jean.
25:11Put some elbow grease into it.
25:14Same with sex.
25:17I'm sick of these new cordless kettles.
25:20I think they're rather a boon.
25:22I was a desert rat.
25:24When you've shaved in sand and had to boil water in a paper bag,
25:28you don't get very excited about kettles.
25:33Or women.
25:36You come around to us one night, Anissa.
25:38I'll recess it for you.
25:40Oh, well, yeah.
25:41We'll have a Barry Manilow night.
25:42Does anybody have a black cake or anything?
25:44I'll have another of them coconut ones, thanks.
25:47Flip?
25:48Over.
25:49How many O-levels did you fail?
25:56Twink?
25:57You all right, love?
25:58I'm just going to the toilet and mum, hang on.
26:00Well, I did pass scripture.
26:02Do you want me to?
26:04You're better, man, I suppose.
26:05I just wanted to have a word about Twink, Grant.
26:08I mean, I know you're a good pal to her
26:09and I just wondered if everything was OK at work.
26:12She's been ever so quiet at home lately.
26:15I just wondered if she was in any source of trouble.
26:17Look, this isn't really a very brilliant thing to have to say.
26:19Bren, I won't stop, sweetheart.
26:24Is this your mum, Bren?
26:26Yeah.
26:26Hello.
26:27I couldn't quite remember what, er...
26:30Philippa.
26:31What she said.
26:32I'd taken a couple of disprol.
26:34I was a bit out of it.
26:35Bring your mother to work.
26:37Was that what she said?
26:38Yeah.
26:39Well, I've brought her.
26:39I don't know what use she'll be.
26:45She might be able to wash up or something.
26:46Is it like a youth employment scheme?
26:50I'll pop back for you later.
26:52Go and have a cake.
26:54Ciao.
26:57Is that your grandma, Bren?
26:59I doubt it.
27:01So what did you want to tell me about Twink?
27:03Well, she is in trouble, isn't she?
27:09It's just that she, er...
27:12She sometimes comes to work in her overall.
27:14And, er...
27:15It's not hygienic.
27:16It's just that she's a dog.
27:33It's not hygienic.
27:34It's just that she's in trouble.
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