- 16 hours ago
The dinnerladies are very excited about an impending royal visit, though they are not impressed to find out that they have been allocated Prince James, The Duke of Danby, with the exception of Stan, who met him thirty years earlier at Catterick Garrison army base. Despite much rehearsing, Twinkle finds she is unable to string a sentence together, while Anita's mouth runs away with her on the topic of nipples. Dolly and Jean compete with each other to perform the best curtsey, and Bren is shocked at the Duke's love of sex and bacon.
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00:00Well, it won't be the Queen Mother.
00:19Oh, no, they couldn't risk it.
00:21If the lip conks out, she could pop her hip.
00:25She's done well, though, hasn't she, Queen Mother?
00:27Kept up with the betting and all that.
00:28It might be Princess Anne.
00:30No, she doesn't go around factories, does she?
00:33She leans towards Land Rovers in the jungle.
00:36It's more of a sleeveless flowers approach.
00:38For example, is he factories?
00:40No, he's theatres. He used to, like, go to theatres with teabags.
00:43I do not.
00:44They were on news. He had this job and he had to turn up with a box of teabags.
00:47Did you not see it?
00:48No.
00:49Yeah, cos they, like, filmed him going in and he's, like, clutching this box of teabags.
00:52Yeah, mission accomplished.
00:54What kind of teabag?
00:55Cos there are so many different sorts nowadays.
00:58Oh, that's right.
00:59There's been a revolution in teabag technology in the last decade.
01:03What?
01:04There's one cup for if you just want one cup.
01:06Pot size.
01:07Drawstring.
01:08Pyrenees.
01:09And they're bringing one out for osteoporosis.
01:11I have a see-through teapot with a plunger.
01:16I sent one over to New Zealand. It was so good.
01:21What's that got to do with osteoporosis?
01:24Oh, well, I'm sorry. I didn't realise every topic had to link up.
01:28I didn't realise I was on blockbusters.
01:33Oh, I missed it. What's the jet?
01:35Oh.
01:35Who's it going to be?
01:36Dear Jean, I don't think Stan twigged the topic under discussion with osteoporosis.
01:42Eh?
01:42Well, Jean's some kind of discussion warden, Stan.
01:45Oh, just because we're not all agog about your plunged teapot.
01:50Well, at least I'm up to date with my refreshment china.
01:53At least I'm not offering round mugs that say I'm back in Britain.
01:57I knew you'd been in my top cupboard.
02:00Hey, Stan.
02:02Have you got one of those slippery floor warning cones?
02:04I've got four.
02:05Not that people clock them.
02:07Folk rushing to urinate, they don't focus.
02:11I must do.
02:13It was never like this at the Café Bon Bon.
02:16Why do you ask anyway, Tony?
02:18Recorns.
02:19Eh?
02:20God, I don't know.
02:21I'm losing the will to live here.
02:23OK.
02:23Sorry.
02:24Yes.
02:24Hi!
02:25What's that lovely perfume?
02:27Right.
02:28OK.
02:28We've been briefed.
02:30What's that?
02:31Would it be all right to wash it, do you think?
02:33I hate always having things dry clean, but sometimes even a cold water wash, they get a sort of limit.
02:37Hello!
02:38Sorry.
02:39Right.
02:39The briefing.
02:39Now, the plan is that the Royal Party will arrive and go straight to the main boardroom, cup of tea, wash their hands and so on.
02:46Royal Party have visited us to avail themselves of the boardroom laboratory facilities, I assume.
02:50Er, let me just...
02:50Oh, it's the Royal.
02:52It's His Royal Highness Prince James, the Duke of Danby.
02:55The Duke of Danby?
02:57Oh, yes.
02:59Well, who is he?
03:00Well, I'm not sure.
03:01I think he's one of the Queen's cousins, second cousin, or...
03:04Well, is he British?
03:05Well, let me...
03:06Oh.
03:07Well, I assumed he was British.
03:09What type of skin tone are we talking here, do we think?
03:13I don't honestly know.
03:14Is he more of an African type, Royal?
03:16Look, I mean, here's Royal.
03:18It's not Prince as in Duke Ellington.
03:21Did they mention anything about underwear?
03:23Not specifically.
03:24Oh, cos I was just wondering how we should play it with, like, bras and pants and...
03:29You'll all be in your overalls.
03:30Oh, I know.
03:31So, here I am.
03:40I've been along the top corridor, I've been in the big shed pressing buttons, and now I'm going to queue for my lunch.
03:45Dinner.
03:46You're not going to queue.
03:48According to our briefing, he wants to be treated exactly the same way as the workers.
03:52We assumed it would be a tablecloth job.
03:54Silver service.
03:55Silver what?
03:57I'm talking city and guilds.
03:59This is when you had to work for a qualification.
04:01Yeah, so did I.
04:02Totally, Blair.
04:04Stick two poems up in a bus shelter and call it a university.
04:10So, they come in, queue up, we lay on our normal dinner.
04:13Oh, I thought we'd do something a bit special, like a medieval banquet.
04:17Oh, and we'd be like the serving wenches.
04:19I'm not being a wench.
04:20Go on, Philippa.
04:21I'm too natty for a wench.
04:24You need more of a lived-in look, like Jean.
04:27Look, if we were having a wench, we'd have Bren, now leave it.
04:32Philippa.
04:33Well, as I say, they just come in in the normal way, collect a tray, queue up.
04:37So, they're stood there.
04:39Jean lobs a pie at them, twink gobs in the coleslaw.
04:41Bren gives them the wrong change.
04:42Stan runs them over with the mop trolley.
04:44So far, going well.
04:45They sit, they eat.
04:50Golly, that was lovely.
04:51Then the royal party get up, have a look round the kitchen.
04:54Yes.
04:55Chats the girls.
04:56No.
04:56Duke has specifically requested.
04:58Look, line them up behind the counter.
05:00Divvy up with the gravy, bit of a curtsy, jolly good, carry on, end.
05:03End of encounter.
05:04I am not letting some poor beggar of a queen's cousin loose with this bunch of uplift bras,
05:08mood swings and nasty habits.
05:10Oh, yes.
05:11Excuse me.
05:12Tony, you've got to give us a crack at actually talking to him.
05:15I mean, chatting to a bona fide old royal, that'd be great.
05:17Yeah, great for you.
05:19You'll be asking him if he's ever seen the inn of the six happiness.
05:21Dolly will be telling him what happens if you turn left at the bus station.
05:24Twinkle will be flogging him cut-price ecstasy.
05:26Ha, ha, I'm nearly laughing.
05:28Jean will be dobbing the odd yeast infection into the conversation.
05:31Forget it.
05:34No, really, I think we do have to abide by the wishes of the royal visitor.
05:38Were you an in-thrush?
05:39I was.
05:41And they have specifically requested.
05:42Are you implying I insert thrush into general conversation?
05:47You thrust thrush.
05:49They want to meet the canton workers in any...
05:51I thrust thrush into the conversation.
05:53You do.
05:54You thrust it in, you thrash it out.
05:56Sir, why don't you...
05:57Oh, Tom, are you calling me a thrush thruster?
06:01And thrush it.
06:04You teeter on the thrush threshold, threatening to thrash.
06:08I think the rest of you agree with this.
06:10Yes.
06:14This is what's going to happen.
06:17You can all go on the counter.
06:18But when the royals come round, you serve, you clear up, and you don't speak to them unless they speak to you.
06:25Right.
06:25No maintenance person exited in female washer on premises.
06:28Stan, the royal party.
06:30You don't speak unless they do, right?
06:32Understood.
06:33That's protocol.
06:34It stops your commoner overstepping the conversational mark.
06:38You've had dealings, haven't you, Stan, with the royal family?
06:41Oh, yes.
06:42Where was this?
06:42Mustique?
06:43No, it was Cattery Carmacamp.
06:45Oh.
06:46Who did you meet, Stan?
06:47Him that's coming.
06:48James.
06:48He turned up with, what's he called?
06:50Hands behind his back.
06:51Dog carts.
06:52Prince Philip?
06:53Yeah.
06:56What's he like?
06:57Well, I didn't meet Prince Philip.
06:59He was stood by this tank laughing.
07:01And I was stood with this other lad.
07:03And we were whitewashing this basket that held volleyballs.
07:06And the Duke, Prince James, he came up.
07:08What did he say?
07:09Well, they trained from birth to put people at their ease.
07:12And he come up and he said, whitewashing the basket, eh?
07:16It was like I'd known him all my life.
07:21Go on.
07:21And then he said, so what goes in there, then?
07:24What did you say?
07:25A load of balls.
07:28Volleyballs.
07:28Go on, Stan.
07:29I said, the intention, sir, is to fill it with volleyballs.
07:32And he was very interested, obviously,
07:34because they are trained to take a tremendous interest in day-to-day folk.
07:38But naturally, he was pressed for time,
07:41so he just said, very good, carry on.
07:44Which I did.
07:45And when was this?
07:46April 15th, 1967.
07:48A warmish day, 11.15.
07:51Is nobody going home?
07:52Anybody fancy a gangbang on a cream cracker?
07:56What's a gangbang?
07:57It's people having sex in a bunch.
08:00Well, how do they all fit on a cream cracker?
08:05Bren, fetch a cream cracker.
08:06Bye.
08:07I'll see you.
08:08Bye-bye to you.
08:09My friend tried to do it on a dildo.
08:14Where was this?
08:15In Thailand?
08:16I mean, a lilo.
08:19You mad, you?
08:20Come on.
08:22See you.
08:22Bye.
08:24I'm fully expecting him to approach me, actually.
08:26What's this?
08:27Stan's met Prince James before.
08:291967.
08:3011.15.
08:30So he'll know me, Tony.
08:32They never forget her face.
08:3430 years, though, Stan.
08:35I mean, they all have met quite a few.
08:36No, the trade.
08:37You wait.
08:38I shall push myself forward.
08:39I shall be very surprised if I don't hear.
08:41How's the basket whitewashing business?
08:43Just a humorous man-to-man pleasantry.
08:47And then what I can say to him, I left the army.
08:51Put your foot where?
08:52Foot behind.
08:54No, point it more the other way.
08:55And your head.
08:56Eh?
08:57Will you graciously incline your head?
08:59Blime, it's like rubbing your head and patting your doodah.
09:02What will you do, Jean?
09:04Just bob.
09:05What do you mean, just?
09:06I shall probably go for the full curtsy.
09:09Hiya.
09:09Hiya, Anita.
09:10I'm very loose in the hip, you see, with my yoga side.
09:13There's nothing wrong with my hips.
09:15It's only three years since I won a rumba competition.
09:18Yes, on a caravan side.
09:20I can sink as low as you like, you know.
09:22Well, no, you can.
09:23I was at your swimwear party.
09:26Did you practice your curtsy, Anita?
09:30Oh, Jean.
09:36Everything all right down there?
09:39Fine, thank you.
09:42That'll help the royal visit go with a swing.
09:45You sprawled on the lino waiting for the paramedics.
09:48Just go and check me dry goods.
09:52I feel guilty now.
09:54What, for saying she couldn't curtsy?
09:55I was saying it was a caravan sight.
09:57It was actually quite an upmarket all-weather holiday village.
10:05Have you decided what bra you're going to wear?
10:10How do you mean, bra?
10:11What do you mean?
10:11I don't know what you mean.
10:12To meet the prince.
10:13I made a list of all my bras last night.
10:18Did you?
10:19Why, how many have you got?
10:21Seventeen.
10:22Then I divided my knickers into work, casual and evening.
10:27Do you ever do that?
10:28No, but I'll tell you what I do do.
10:30I take all the labels off my tins and I don't know what I'm having for my tea.
10:37Do you ever do that?
10:38It's brilliant.
10:40I'm thinking, what's it going to be?
10:41Fruit salad?
10:42Alphabet or spaghetti?
10:45Is it, eh?
10:46No.
10:46Brilliant.
10:48Do you ever make a list of all your bras's twinkle?
10:51You're mad, you.
10:57So, you'll bring them over from the table?
11:00Sorry, sorry, sorry.
11:01Are you having another practice?
11:02Yeah.
11:03So, how will you get them through the gap?
11:04Now, let's think this through.
11:06Well, you want to, like, round them up, sheepdog style,
11:08and then Tony can, like, waft them in.
11:10Waft?
11:11No, that's good.
11:12We're really getting to grips with this now.
11:13Up we come to the gap.
11:14Gap, I'm not here, by the way.
11:16I stand back and indicate.
11:17I waft them through, apparently.
11:19Then you introduce them to the nearest worker.
11:21No, I'm not here, by the way.
11:22So, Twinkle, turn around.
11:24You say, this is our youngest worker, Twinkle.
11:27This is our youngest worker, Twinkle.
11:29And then, ladies first, the duchess might say,
11:31what might you say, bro?
11:32Oh, what's the most popular meal here in the canteen?
11:38Who's that supposed to be, bread?
11:40I don't know.
11:40It'll come out a bit more surprised than that.
11:42No, that's fine.
11:44It's marvellous that we're actually rehearsing it in this detail.
11:46Look, I'll be her royal highness.
11:47So, that's me there, and that's her here.
11:49Here I am.
11:50So, tell me, what is the most popular meal here in the canteen?
11:54Arseholes on toes.
11:59How lovely.
12:00And then we move on.
12:01Oh.
12:04You're not going to say that?
12:05No.
12:06You're not going to say anything like that?
12:07Leave me alone.
12:08So, you won't say nothing like that?
12:09God.
12:10I've said to them, if they're going to send us Belgian feeder tubes, they'll have to send
12:16a Belgian to go with them.
12:17That's crazy.
12:18Oh, excuse me.
12:20I haven't finished that.
12:21Sorry, I thought we were just crumbs.
12:23It's a croissant.
12:24Are you going to take someone's plate away?
12:26He's made a few crumbs with a croissant.
12:28I don't know why you bother serving them in the first place.
12:30No, you're right.
12:31I'm a little bit eager, though.
12:32I've been afraid for this croissant.
12:34If I want to lick my finger and dab it at every bit on my plate, I've every right to do that.
12:38No, you're right.
12:40People cheering themselves to railings for that, didn't they, for the rice?
12:43Pardon?
12:44They were on telly.
12:45Did you not see it?
12:46What were they called?
12:47Um, what are them things like cucumbers?
12:49Suffragettes.
12:52Are you finished now?
12:53Yes.
12:54Not the coffee.
12:55Are you nearly done, Brent?
12:56Hang on.
12:57How are you doing?
12:57Oh, not bad.
12:58You've got white of your egg, a few beans, what's that, a couple of mushrooms, two forkfuls.
13:02How do you work that out?
13:03Well, if you balance your beans on your egg white, then while you're chewing that, have
13:07a good scrape round, stabbing them two mushrooms en route.
13:09I don't like mixing them up.
13:11You're joking.
13:12No, I have my beans, I have my mushrooms, but only individually, one forkful at a time.
13:18Do you not like dipping your sausage in your bean juice, even?
13:20No, I couldn't do that.
13:22You could do one of them plates with, like, um, compartments on it.
13:25I do at home.
13:26Yeah.
13:27This is an ordinary of the royal visit, presumably, this snatching of plates.
13:31Yeah, well, they're coming in for the dinner, so we're trying to get it really nice.
13:34Well, I think they're an outdated institution.
13:37Finished.
13:39I said I'm finished!
13:40Oh, sorry.
13:43I thought you meant monarchy was finished.
13:46Are you done?
13:48Well, I've got this egg white.
13:49Oh, it's only placenta, leave it.
13:50Is it?
13:58I saw this documentary on television.
14:00Did you not see it?
14:01Brilliant.
14:02Had this camera going right through a fallopian tube.
14:04Fantastic.
14:07You know, they reckoned that if chickens were as big as people, it'd be like a nightmare,
14:12because they'd never, like, queue for a bus.
14:14Second.
14:17So, could you, like, never have lasagna, then?
14:20Lasagna?
14:20No, I'd never have something like that.
14:21No, I was just thinking that.
14:23You couldn't have that.
14:24Lasagna, because it's in layers, isn't it?
14:25Yeah.
14:26Oh, pizza!
14:28Pardon?
14:28You couldn't have pizza.
14:30No.
14:30No.
14:37That's me, darling.
14:40What do you think, friend?
14:42You look great.
14:43Look at me bust.
14:46Can you see anything?
14:47Like what?
14:48Can you see my...
14:50Ipples?
14:51No.
14:51You see, what I don't want to happen is, if I'm serving the prince, say, coleslaw...
14:57Yeah.
14:58...then, say, someone goes out on fire escape, there's a big cold draft.
15:02Ping!
15:03In what way, ping?
15:05It pulls.
15:06Oh, what, popping out?
15:07Yes.
15:08Well, if it does happen, just, like, bend over the baked potatoes.
15:12Oh.
15:12And you get, like, a hot waft.
15:20Oh, I'm with you.
15:21In fact, you could put one either side of the coleslaw.
15:24Uh-huh.
15:24Seemingly for decoration.
15:26One level with each breast.
15:28Thanks, friend.
15:29OK.
15:33Jean!
15:34Tony!
15:35No.
15:36Tony!
15:38Jean!
15:39No!
15:39No!
15:40What's she trying to do to me?
15:45We've had enough trouble with this damn curtsying.
15:47We've had groin muscles snapping like knicker elastic.
15:51Every time I come in, there's someone skidding about on the lino, like Torval and Dean.
15:58Twinkle.
16:00What?
16:04Do you want to get a job in an upstairs window in Amsterdam,
16:07or shall we try and cling on to our little foothold in catering?
16:11Ooh.
16:12Ale and pears.
16:17Shut the door!
16:20They've made you all game.
16:22I've just leave in the airport now.
16:23Brilliant.
16:24I was panicking then.
16:26It was just hovering over the seven.
16:28But luckily, I paid a visit and it dickered back down on to the six.
16:35Dolly, they're coming to cop a lump of shepherd's pie.
16:39Where does weight come in?
16:40Well, I retain water.
16:42Do you want me to bloat up?
16:44I'm easy.
16:45Well, you're lucky men don't swell up without warning.
16:49No.
16:49We get a bit of warning, I suppose.
16:52Shut the door!
16:53Bren?
16:55Hey?
16:56This is him.
16:56Catterick.
16:581967.
16:59That's Prince Philip.
17:00That's Prince Philip by the tank.
17:01And that's the duke there with his back to the camera.
17:03I thought you were on this.
17:04See that basket?
17:05Yeah.
17:06See that line by the side of it?
17:07Yeah.
17:07That's my leg.
17:10See?
17:10Look at my leg and then look at the photo.
17:14Oh, yeah.
17:15Great.
17:16I treasure that.
17:17I was just trying to have that little bit of height.
17:20Because it would be nice to stand out.
17:22He's bringing his wife, Jean.
17:24Did you imagine your eyes were going to meet over a ginger sponge?
17:28Because I wouldn't need heels if my feet were permanently attached to a pair of scales.
17:33They're on their way.
17:35What do you think?
17:35I stitched them from the top floor.
17:37That's what they do for the tables.
17:38Oh, yes.
17:39The royal party is sitting at these tables, are they?
17:41That lot from packing, they usually sit there.
17:43Well, can't they be reserved?
17:45We can't have a royal highness sat next to Harry from packing.
17:48Big willy.
17:49What?
17:50Big willy from packing, he's the worst.
17:55If he starts telling her what came out of his nose on the Big Dipper.
17:59No.
17:59We'll reserve the tables, definitely.
18:01Keep your eye on the window.
18:02They're driving in that way.
18:03Oh.
18:08Lovely to keep on.
18:10So British.
18:12One seldom sees this in the Caribbean.
18:13Do I say what I want, or do you just give it to me?
18:17No.
18:17Please do say, your highness.
18:19There's a choice if you want to choose, ma'am.
18:21What's this?
18:22Shepherd's pie, ma'am.
18:23What's that?
18:29Well, it's mashed potato, ma'am.
18:31I don't eat potato.
18:32And minced beef and onion in gravy.
18:34Oh, no.
18:35I don't like the sound of that.
18:36At all.
18:42What's that?
18:46Yeah?
18:48It's, um, it's shepherd's pie, ma'am.
18:49You brought high in a royal high in a high.
18:53Not made with real shepherds, I hope.
18:55Ha, ha, ha.
18:55Um, do you want some?
19:00Oh, no, so I should have wet a few.
19:01No, you...
19:02Absolutely.
19:04And lots of it.
19:06We had an absolutely pathetic breakfast on the plane.
19:09I wouldn't give it to a dead ferret.
19:10Do you not?
19:11Do you want fish?
19:12I'll tell you what I do want.
19:13Chips.
19:14Yes, chips and the carrots.
19:17And kiwi fruit.
19:18We never saw kiwi fruit in this country 20 years ago.
19:20That's right, you didn't.
19:22Now, one of the sperm kinds dropped.
19:23Now, one of the sperm kinds of kiwi fruit.
19:26You're holding up the queue, darling?
19:27Am I?
19:28Do as the wife says, eh?
19:29We've preserved a very nice table.
19:31Joggy good.
19:33It's so gripping to be here.
19:37Can I sit here?
19:38Oops.
19:39Sorry.
19:46OK.
19:47They're just finishing their coffee.
19:48Then Mr Michael and I will bring them over.
19:50And then they'll just very informally meet everybody.
19:51And is it still tea and biscuits in the boardroom?
19:53What?
19:54Yes.
19:54Is it still?
19:55Yes.
19:55Then you'll take the tea tray down.
19:57Will do.
19:57And you'll hand round?
19:58We'll hand round.
19:59OK.
20:00I'm going to bring them over.
20:00OK.
20:01He probably didn't get a proper look at you before.
20:04No, I understand that.
20:05He's in a new environment.
20:07He's had shepherd's pie to deal with.
20:09That's not an easy meal to eat if you sell them, have it?
20:12No, no.
20:13I'm not worried.
20:14He'll know me now.
20:15You see.
20:16This is Tony Martin, sir.
20:17He's the manager of the canteen.
20:19He's in charge of all the girls.
20:20In charge of all the girls, eh?
20:22Sounds like a good job.
20:23That's right, sir.
20:24It is.
20:24Very much so.
20:25Tony, perhaps you'll introduce the girls to the Duke and Her Royal Highness.
20:28Yes, sir.
20:29Certainly, sir.
20:30This is our youngest worker, not being with us very long.
20:33This is Twinkle.
20:34That's an unusual name.
20:40Why do they call you that?
20:47I don't really know.
20:49And what's the most popular meal here in the canteen?
20:52I don't really know.
21:01Oh, that was very informative.
21:05And this is Anita.
21:07Are you an immigrant?
21:07Sorry?
21:16No, Anita's British.
21:18Oh, that's good.
21:20So you don't find it too cold here?
21:27No.
21:27And how do you feel about having to wear a uniform?
21:32I think we can all see the sense of it.
21:35For hygiene.
21:37And it protects your nipples.
21:39This is Dolly and Jean.
21:50Our veteran ladies.
21:51I wonder whether you could share me.
21:53What do you mean?
21:56This is our handyman and repairs.
21:58This is Stan.
21:59And this is my second-in-command, Brenda.
22:01Brenda?
22:02Fair Brenda of the Shepherd's Pie.
22:04Do you know what you absolutely cannot get from the Caribbean for love nor money?
22:07I don't, sir.
22:08You could offer them the weight of your left testicle in sterling silver and still they couldn't oblige.
22:14I'll tell you.
22:15A bacon sandwich.
22:17The bacon in the Caribbean is indescribable.
22:20Why, is it not crispy?
22:21Crispy?
22:22The thigh of a pensioned-off lollipop lady would have more bite to it.
22:26Sir, if we were thinking of moving down to the...
22:28You look like our smoking man.
22:30I am, sir.
22:31Would you possibly have a little cigarette about you, person?
22:33I would, actually, sir.
22:34My wife thinks if I don't carry them, I won't smoke them.
22:36But, of course, in effect, what happens is one's continually on the bum, as it were.
22:42Do you have a light?
22:43Er, you can't smoke in here because it's a kitchen.
22:45So, what do you do when Lady Nicotine beckens?
22:48I go on the fire escape.
22:49Good enough.
22:50To the fire escape.
22:50Lead the way.
22:51Isn't he dreadful?
22:53He always throws out the timetable like this.
22:56Should we go?
22:57Yes.
22:57David, would you bring his royal highness along when he's finished his fag?
23:01Of course not.
23:07Lonely, that were a strain.
23:09I could do with a fag meself.
23:10Right.
23:11We'll whip round the other way with the teas and coffees.
23:14Anita, are you coming down to serve?
23:16I said nipples.
23:20I was going to say it protects your clothing.
23:23I said it protects your nipples.
23:27Come on, girls.
23:28Move it.
23:29You better stick around, Brent.
23:31He might want to ask you something.
23:32I don't know.
23:33Are you coming down, Stan?
23:37What's that about?
23:38Tell me later.
23:39I just have a little errands.
23:45I have to let someone from the car for her royal highness.
23:47Will you be around here for a few minutes?
23:49The duke might want a little chat.
23:50Yeah, I'll have a chat.
23:51Yeah, no problem.
23:54Shut up, then.
23:59And then it lasts, eh, Brenda?
24:02So, how's tricks, Brenda?
24:04How's life, do you mean?
24:05Really good, yeah, yeah, thanks.
24:08Are you an optimist, Brenda?
24:09What, looking out on bright side, do you mean?
24:11Yeah, definitely, yeah, yeah.
24:12I do find that extraordinary.
24:14Why, are you not that happy with your life?
24:16Brenda, I find my life a complete effing bore.
24:22Do you?
24:22I'm having dinner tonight at the Industrial Triple Glazing Allied Trades Amalgamation.
24:27Hiya.
24:28Do you imagine that men who've devoted their lives to Industrial Triple Glazing to be particularly fascinating folk?
24:35Are they not?
24:36They are spectacularly tedious, titanically dull beings.
24:40Oh, well, it's only one night.
24:42It's not only one effing night, lovely Brenda.
24:46It stretches ahead.
24:48The Wolves Damers Authority here, the Association for the Support of Weaving with Hand Looms there.
24:54And all I ever want to do, Brenda, Brenda, Brenda, all I ever effing want to effing do is have sex.
25:04Is it?
25:17And it's such a bugger because I never get any bloody time to do it.
25:21I sit round these effing dinner tapes.
25:23I just want to scream.
25:24I could be having sex here.
25:27I could be in bed now with some nice little woman.
25:30Little clear lane on the high five.
25:32Betting sandwich.
25:32That's effing idiot, Brenda.
25:36Bit of sex and a bacon sandwich.
25:39But what you do do, I mean, it brings a lot of pleasure to people.
25:43I'm sorry, Brenda, but I have to say that really is a lorry load of old poop.
25:46Look, I mean, you might not be getting a lot out of it, but if an ordinary person meets you, it's, like, really important to them.
25:52It's, like, really special.
25:54Have you got a cupboard or something?
25:56Yeah.
25:57You wouldn't fancy a bit of a bunk-up, would you?
26:02Not really.
26:11A sort of a clinch and a decent snog would do it.
26:15I won't, actually.
26:17I hope you didn't mind me asking.
26:18No, no, I'm quite flattered, actually.
26:20One day, Brenda, one day, the window of opportunity, the cupboard and the woman, they'll synchromesh like the gears on an Austin Riley.
26:28Do you think?
26:29Well, they might do.
26:30Look, I tell you what, I'll do something for you, and can you do me a favour for somebody else?
26:34Go on.
26:35Hang on.
26:36Well, Stan, come up in five minutes.
26:44Now, where have I put my cling film?
26:50He's coming.
26:51Where was it again?
26:52Caterina.
26:53I say.
26:57Now, this is a face that looks familiar.
26:59I met you earlier on, but with the hairpiece on, it didn't click.
27:02Sir?
27:04Private Medecroft, isn't it?
27:05Catering Army Camp, 1967.
27:10That's it, sir.
27:11I was up there with that old rogue Philip, wasn't I?
27:15Prince Philip, sir, that's correct, sir.
27:17April 15th, sir.
27:18That's the one.
27:20We have a photo call, sir, when you're ready.
27:21Absolutely, lead on.
27:23It's really nice to see you again, Medecroft.
27:25And you, sir.
27:26Good luck to both of you.
27:29Mustn't forget this.
27:3150% of the perfect evening, eh?
27:37Medecroft.
27:39Sir?
27:39Keep whitewashing the baskets.
27:43Oh, yes.
27:51Good luck to both of you.
28:21Good luck to both of you.
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