- 6 ngày trước
Have I Got News for You - Season 70 Episode 2 -
Steph McGovern, Stephen Mangan, Salma Shah
Steph McGovern, Stephen Mangan, Salma Shah
Danh mục
😹
Vui nhộnPhụ đề
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08:03The speech was packed full of quips and prop gags,
08:07so why was Robert Jenrick waving a judge's wig about?
08:10Well, Robert Jenrick's not very keen on judges,
08:12particularly the ones who suggest that it was unlawful for him
08:16to take a donation from a Tory donor
08:19and then rush through a planning application.
08:21I just mentioned that.
08:25Because it seemed amusing.
08:28Yeah, it led him on to the policy promise
08:30that the Conservatives would get rid of activist judges
08:34and in future they would only be appointed by the Lord Chancellor.
08:38Many people have obviously warned of the risks
08:40curbing the independence of the judiciary,
08:43especially when you consider that not so long ago
08:45the Lord Chancellor was Dominic Raab.
08:48But we can only say his name once, in case we might summon him up.
08:55How else did Jenrick steal the headlines?
08:57I was talking about his visit to Birmingham, was it?
09:00Handsworth.
09:01Handsworth, yes, and said he didn't see a single white face.
09:03Yeah, correct.
09:03I love the fact that he hadn't spotted that his leader of the party...
09:09He could have had a look at her.
09:12I think that if he'd pointed out that the leader of the party
09:15also doesn't have a white face, it may have sort of, for him at least,
09:19reiterated the point that he was making.
09:21Which is...?
09:21I really don't know.
09:22LAUGHTER
09:23So I mentioned that Robert Jenrick had a few funnies
09:28in his conference speech, but he cannot hold a candle
09:31to the real gagmeister.
09:33Yep.
09:34Shadow Home Secretary Chris Philp.
09:35Shall we have a look at it?
09:36And I turned to my wife and I said,
09:38in your wildest dreams, did you ever imagine you'd be leaving
09:42a general election count with your husband having just been elected
09:46as a Member of Parliament?
09:48She turned to me and replied and said,
09:50in my wildest dreams, you don't feature.
09:52LAUGHTER
09:54I'd like to meet her.
10:00LAUGHTER
10:02She's funnier than he is.
10:03LAUGHTER
10:05This is the Tory party conference.
10:07Over the weekend, the conference was so sparsely attended
10:10that several Tory MPs had to go back to the hotel
10:13and have an affair with themselves.
10:15LAUGHTER
10:16APPLAUSE
10:17According to The Telegraph, one of the Thatcher-based attractions
10:18at the conference was a red mailbox for Maggie to answer questions
10:22from beyond the grave.
10:23LAUGHTER
10:24Who won the cup final in 1967?
10:25LAUGHTER
10:26Oh!
10:27LAUGHTER
10:28Paul and Stephen, he is yours.
10:29Right.
10:30Oh.
10:31Woman screaming.
10:32People running.
10:33Swarm of lady birds.
10:34Oh, Barry, I don't normally go this far on this first date.
10:38LAUGHTER
10:52That's...that's my ideal woman.
10:53What a creepy...
10:55LAUGHTER
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12:56Oh!
12:57Oh!
12:58The humanity!
12:59Yeah!
13:00It's kind of nothing a can of deodorant and a lighter wouldn't solve that wall though,
13:04isn't it?
13:05You're from Middlesbrough, aren't you?
13:09I can't really solve those problems, to be honest.
13:12I thought it was a good night out.
13:14Yeah, it is.
13:15The scare piece I read said they give you sexually transmitted diseases.
13:19Yeah.
13:20Well, you have to fuck one first.
13:22There's no clean way of saying that.
13:29What advice have Lady Bird experts given you?
13:32I've just given it.
13:34Always wear a condom.
13:35Yeah.
13:37BBC Breakfast covered the story by weaning out Lady Bird expert Max Barclay,
13:43who is from the Natural History Museum.
13:45Yeah.
13:46Here he is, airing his credentials.
13:48I've never seen them in my house.
13:50But of course at the Natural History Museum we have thousands and thousands of, um,
13:55of, uh, of dead ones.
13:57LAUGHTER
13:59Keep it, Lightmax!
14:01To be honest, that parrot behind him is not looking too good either.
14:05LAUGHTER
14:07This is great, this is the sort of story we should have every week.
14:12Yeah.
14:13Have you noticed that after taking an interest since this has come up?
14:15Yeah, you've perked up.
14:16It's all your party conference.
14:17Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:18LAUGHTER
14:19Lady Bird, get in there!
14:20LAUGHTER
14:21Yeah.
14:22The last time there was a Lady Bird invasion in the UK was in 1976,
14:26when the scorching hot summer saw temperatures hit a record 21 degrees.
14:31LAUGHTER
14:33On the subject of irritating flying things, what has been reportedly coming out of Russia
14:38and causing problems this week?
14:39Drones!
14:40Er, closer to home there was also a disturbing drone spotted at Heathrow this week.
14:46Mr Prime Minister, I'm in the cockpit, and a very well-owned welcome to BA Flight 9100 to Mumbai.
14:56It's really fantastic to have you all on board.
14:59So, safe flight, everybody.
15:01Enjoy the flight, and I'll give you further information once I've taken off.
15:06Thank you.
15:07Thank you.
15:09Fantastic.
15:10A natural.
15:11Did you say when I've taken off?
15:13LAUGHTER
15:16And I'll surely be coming through the cabin with some scratch cards.
15:19LAUGHTER
15:21Did you either panic in the pilot's voice then as well, and he's like,
15:24did you say when I've taken off?
15:26LAUGHTER
15:27He did look really pleased to be in the cockpit, though.
15:29I've never seen anybody apart from children being that excited.
15:32Yeah.
15:33You can't fly up there any more, can you?
15:34When I was young, you used to be able to go up and sit in the cabin.
15:37Next to the Wright brothers.
15:38Yeah.
15:39LAUGHTER
15:41In other news, what's Donald Trump on the cusp of?
15:48Peace in Gaza forever.
15:52Trump's the man to lead us out of this.
15:54He's a details man.
15:56He's consistent.
15:57He's rigorous.
15:58There'll never be war again.
16:00Everyone back in the pub.
16:02Correct.
16:03Do you think, though, he deserves any credit for putting pressure on Netanyahu?
16:07Yeah.
16:08Because he's put more pressure than Biden did.
16:10He did, yeah.
16:11Yeah, I mean, you know, he's come up with a peace that neither side want,
16:14which is a pretty brilliant achievement.
16:17LAUGHTER
16:18So, yeah, there might have to be some credit.
16:21You're giving credit to Trump?
16:22Yeah, all right, I'm over.
16:24LAUGHTER
16:25This is the news that Trump has helped negotiate a peace deal in Gaza.
16:30We're not exactly sure how the hostages are going to be released,
16:33but they reckon that while Trump's attention is focused on the Middle East,
16:36Melania will simply make a run for it.
16:39LAUGHTER
16:41So, it's round two, the human dynamo of news.
16:44Fingers on buzzers.
16:45Teams?
16:46Yeah.
16:57Yes, I read this.
16:58This is about couples who have a swag difference.
17:00And what's swag?
17:02Swag, it's a term, um...
17:04LAUGHTER
17:06It means that one part of the couple puts a lot of care into their appearance
17:11and the other wears a bathrobe.
17:13LAUGHTER
17:15Correct.
17:16On social media, it's been dubbed the swag gap.
17:19The swag gap.
17:20The swag gap.
17:21Sorry, how stupid of them.
17:22According to one person on TikTok, you can't date or be friends
17:25if there's a swag gap because they'll end up being jealous
17:28and try to become you.
17:29And this is according to one person on TikTok.
17:32LAUGHTER
17:33Well, thank goodness we've got some experts here.
17:35Cosmopolitan magazine have got stuff to say on this as well.
17:39Yeah.
17:40They've warned that not even your own swag is safe from the black hole
17:44of a swagless partner's swaglessness.
17:47LAUGHTER
17:48Sometimes I feel journalism may have ended.
17:50LAUGHTER
17:52I mean, this picture here does bring home to me.
17:54I mean, Suki, my wife, she's more likely to wear the blue dressing gown,
17:56whereas me, I'm walking up and down the Tottenham Court Road.
17:58LAUGHTER
17:59I've seen you.
18:00I know, you have seen me.
18:01Yeah, I have, yeah.
18:02I go outside the casino looking for lucky winners.
18:04LAUGHTER
18:08Looking for some company, dearie.
18:10LAUGHTER
18:11One couple really sum up the swag gap.
18:13Who are they?
18:14Oh, God.
18:15Boris Johnson is famously a scruffy dresser.
18:17And many of his wives haven't been.
18:19Yes.
18:20It's Healey and Justin Bieber.
18:23Who?
18:24Do you have pictures that back up this allegation?
18:25I do.
18:26Here's the swag.
18:27Yes.
18:28And here's the gap.
18:31LAUGHTER
18:32This is the swag gap.
18:34Yes.
18:35According to The Independent, research has found that men actively feel worse
18:40about themselves when their female partners succeed.
18:44Oh, God.
18:45So we can only assume that Mr Beardnock is currently on cloud night.
18:49LAUGHTER
18:50Fingers on Buzz's teeth?
18:51Yes.
18:52I don't know why you're bothered with that thing.
18:53It even didn't turn out at all.
18:54It'd still come up.
18:55Should we have it all then?
18:56Yeah.
18:57Just watch.
18:58Right.
18:59There we are.
19:03Oh!
19:04They've discovered women.
19:08The Church of England has discovered women.
19:10Yeah.
19:11Very first female Archbishop of Canterbury.
19:13There we are.
19:14There she is.
19:15Yeah.
19:16In January, Dame Sarah Mullally will become the first woman to take the role
19:18of Archbishop of Canterbury.
19:20Or, as the son put it, first Archbish-herp.
19:23What?
19:25Wow.
19:26Yes, she can, Canterbury.
19:28Mm.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:30Hello!
19:31Yeah!
19:32What advice did The Telegraph's William Sitwell give Dame Sarah
19:37about her new job?
19:38Don't take any notes on me.
19:40He wrote the Archbishop would be wise to embrace the classic British
19:45dual carriageway of tradition and fudge.
19:48What road is he driving on?
19:50LAUGHTER
19:52What surprising fact was revealed about Sarah Mullally last week?
19:56Was she sent her forward for Derby County during their promotion session?
19:59Yes!
20:00Yeah.
20:01Was she the zebra on The Masked Singer?
20:03LAUGHTER
20:05Tory P at Ed Bersi announced to listeners on his Times radio show
20:10that the new Archbishop was Bernard Manning's niece.
20:14What?
20:15Before having to admit that wasn't true and he'd just read it on Wikipedia!
20:19LAUGHTER
20:21This is the appointment of the very first female Archbishop of Canterbury.
20:26Meanwhile, a church in London is offering blessings to people's pets.
20:30Here are three dogs in the church.
20:32Although this pet had to be escorted out after trying to get one woman
20:37to eat an apple.
20:38LAUGHTER
20:39APPLAUSE
20:40Time now for the odd one out round, just one between you this week.
20:44They are...
20:45That man runs the Enhanced Games.
20:46Yes.
20:47The Olympic Games where you're allowed to take drugs.
20:48Mm-hm.
20:49It's a sort of liberal version of the ordinary games.
20:50Yep.
20:51But he's obviously running games enhanced, which would be traditionally cheating.
20:52Yes.
20:53And...
20:54And...
20:55Kemi Badenoch recently did an interview where she talked about despising cheating.
21:01Right.
21:02So it might be something to do with cheating.
21:03Did the stone skimmer cheating?
21:04Yes.
21:05No.
21:06No.
21:07No.
21:08No.
21:09No.
21:10No.
21:11No.
21:12No.
21:13No.
21:14No.
21:15No.
21:16No.
21:17No.
21:18No.
21:19No.
21:20No.
21:21No.
21:22No.
21:23No.
21:24The stone skimmer cheat?
21:25Maybe there was cheating at the skimming, but I don't know about this chap.
21:28Is it something to do with cheating?
21:29It is something to do with cheating.
21:31So she's the odd one out because she doesn't like cheating, and all the others cheat.
21:34And everybody else does?
21:35Nope.
21:36One of them is a woman.
21:37All the... They're cheating!
21:38LAUGHTER
21:39I've just seen it.
21:41And the guy on the top right has never cheated in his life, and he's...
21:43He's the odd one out.
21:44And he's great.
21:45Yeah.
21:46I've just seen the flowers.
21:47This is the reform counsellor who everyone was writing about, because he's resigned.
21:50He resigned...?
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