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Write Me Dirty Season 1 Episode 10
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FunTranscript
00:00Hello, I'm Katherine Ryan, and each week, two guests write me a dirty story to a raunchy
00:05theme, and each week, the naughtiest story wins.
00:08Coming up this week, looking for a milf, they always have the best snacks.
00:14There's this category called milf stock.
00:17I knew you guys would do that thing.
00:19I like my women's season.
00:21Yeah, tickles up.
00:23I can't cook, so I would.
00:25I also can't cook.
00:25Why would you?
00:26Yeah, you're getting eaten out at a barbecue.
00:28Exactly.
00:30Write me dirty.
00:34As I emptied my suitcase from my spiritual beach vacation in St. Barts, I felt a twinge in my neck.
00:42Although I had tried to sleep, first class is just not designed like it used to be.
00:46But I, of course, feeling zen, tried to find my gratitude.
00:51How blessed I am to travel, I whispered.
00:54How blessed I am to see the world.
00:55But as I unpacked an unusually large wind chime I'd purchased from the airport, the metal pipes began to smash, and thoughts of a sexy seaside started to wave across my mind.
01:07What if you build a sandcastle so impressive that an onlooker begs you to erect their tower?
01:16What if you ride a banana boat so vigorously you bring on your very own tsunami?
01:21What if the very sight of you in a caftan means a tourist feels his beach balls immediately fill up?
01:28I need to hear this story told in full.
01:31I booked another getaway immediately so that I could find two bedazzling beach babes that would tell me how this story would go, and to write me dirty.
01:39Hello, I'm Catherine Ryan, and I've got two guests to write me a dirty story, all in the hopes of winning a pen.
01:48And this week, my two salacious soulmates are Felicity Ward and London Hughes.
01:52Welcome, ladies.
01:53Hi, babes.
01:54Hello, lovely.
01:55Hey.
01:55I feel bad, like, sometimes even saying ladies.
01:58I know.
01:58I'll go, oh, girls, gals, ladies, people.
02:01I don't know, you call me what, you're a dickhead, I'll take anything.
02:03It's so diverse right now, because we've got Canadian, Australian, and British.
02:08American.
02:09And American.
02:10Is your family Jamaican?
02:11Mm-hmm.
02:12We're actually all colonized.
02:14Oh, wow.
02:14Oh.
02:15We've all been colonized.
02:17That's true.
02:18Isn't that cute?
02:19That's so great.
02:20Look at us.
02:21I mean, to be fair, my mum is white English, so I'm part of the problem.
02:24Yes, you are.
02:25I did Who Do You Think You Are?
02:26And my, well, my dad's from Ireland, like, months before I was born.
02:30Wow.
02:30Like a contentious number of months.
02:32He was born months before you were born?
02:33No, like, yeah, he came to Canada.
02:35Like, that's scientifically impossible.
02:36Yeah.
02:37But also the dates.
02:38I think he's my dad.
02:39And my mother's family came at a time when all the real violence in Canada, the Indigenous
02:46people had already really been culturally wiped out.
02:49Yeah.
02:50So it wasn't me.
02:51You.
02:51Thank God.
02:52Irish people.
02:53You really cannot fault Irish as far as being on the right side of history.
02:57Shall we get into the show?
02:59Let's do it.
02:59Sure.
02:59So you've written dirty stories about each other.
03:02What are your own fantasies?
03:05So my fantasy is Michael B. Jordan.
03:09Basically, I'm on a private jet.
03:10Yeah.
03:11And as it takes off, he's going down on me.
03:14I'm like, that's a great fantasy.
03:15That's very unsafe.
03:17That's unsafe sex.
03:18Why is it unsafe?
03:19I just feel like seatbelts on at takeoff.
03:21Okay.
03:21But they ask you sometimes to put your hand between, your head between your own legs.
03:25Right.
03:26Right.
03:26So.
03:27Literally.
03:28They don't specify.
03:29They don't specify.
03:30Also like my, this is going to sound crazy, but my, I might as well say it, my porn search
03:36thingy.
03:38What's thingy?
03:38Finish that sentence.
03:39My porn search criteria.
03:41Oh, sure.
03:42Used to be.
03:43I haven't watched porn for maybe like a year.
03:46I'm trying to like, because Lady Gaga says that like, you have to restain from all of
03:50that because you keep your essence in.
03:51I'm trying to keep my essence in because I'm.
03:52The chakra.
03:53My essence is left the building.
03:56Well, there's a category called MILF.
03:59Yes.
03:59Stuck.
04:00I knew you guys would do that thing.
04:03Yes.
04:03Tell me.
04:04Okay.
04:04Everything.
04:05You're going to love it.
04:06You're going to love it.
04:07So I've told guys that I'm like dating about MILF and I've showed them it.
04:11They didn't know.
04:12And they're like, this is amazing.
04:13So basically it's always the premise of a gorgeous, sexy, older woman, like voluptuous,
04:18gorgeous woman.
04:19Could be me.
04:19She could be Felicity.
04:21She's at home.
04:22She's like cleaning or whatever.
04:24And there's one particular one where she gets stuck in the washing machine.
04:29Then stepson's friends come to him like, where's, where's a, it's
04:35Barry here?
04:36And it's like, no, he's not here.
04:37I'm just, I'm just stuck.
04:39Can you help me?
04:40It's like, whoa, yeah.
04:41Of course I can help you.
04:42I'll help you.
04:43All right.
04:43And he fucks the shit out of her.
04:45And she's like, wait, no, wait.
04:48Yes.
04:49And then she's just, MILF sucks.
04:50She's getting fucked.
04:52How did you fuck?
04:53How did you get?
04:54How did you think?
04:55I think I've just seen every variation of MILF.
04:58Yeah.
04:58And so I got to MILF suck and I was like.
05:00The safety of MILF is, you know that they're age appropriate.
05:04Yeah, I don't like these young, I don't like, don't like these young ones.
05:08No, mate.
05:08I just want to text them.
05:10Yeah.
05:10And even if they're older and they, but they look young.
05:13No.
05:13So I want an old seasoned.
05:15Seasoned.
05:16I like my women seasoned.
05:17And so when.
05:18And also someone that wants it.
05:20Like, it's always women that are like, oh, I don't know.
05:22If you ever see porn where women are like, I'm going to fucking give it to you.
05:26You're like, okay.
05:27And I feel like they're more grateful than MILFs.
05:30I feel like they really.
05:30MILF stuck sounds like there is a consent issue.
05:32Well, the thing is, she's like, no.
05:34But then she's like, yes.
05:36There is something called.
05:37It's giving baby it's cold outside.
05:38It is.
05:39It is.
05:39Definitely.
05:40There is consent, no consent.
05:41Yeah.
05:42But then she gets stuck in a window.
05:45This MILF is not bright.
05:46She gets fucked up against the window.
05:47She's got terrible special awareness.
05:49She got stuck underneath a glass table.
05:50Like she was under a little coffee table.
05:52Do you know what?
05:52She needs whiskers.
05:53Like a cat.
05:54So she knows.
05:55It's very.
05:56She needs a helmet and whiskers.
05:58MILFs suck.
05:59Knock yourself out.
05:59It's very, very interesting.
06:01Knock yourself out.
06:02She did.
06:02Literally.
06:03Getting in the washing machine.
06:04Yeah.
06:04So MILF stuck in private chairs.
06:05I'm not going to search it, but I am going to just try it with my husband.
06:08I'm going to get stuck.
06:09Please.
06:09Oh, do it for me.
06:10I'll just be like, I'm stuck.
06:11Yes.
06:11I'll film it for you.
06:12Please.
06:13I'll end the video if anything kicks off.
06:14No, no.
06:15Continue.
06:15But I don't think he would.
06:17I feel like if you're like, I'm stuck.
06:19And he tries.
06:20Like, that's such a good role play.
06:22Like, I'm stuck.
06:23I physically can't move.
06:24But like the meta narrative, like I am stuck in my marriage.
06:28We are free kids.
06:28I am MILF stuck.
06:30I'm MILF stuck.
06:31This isn't hot.
06:32This is reality.
06:33You guys are actually MILFs as well.
06:35I know.
06:36Do you like watching MILFs?
06:37I don't think so.
06:38No, it's not your thing.
06:39No.
06:39May I say the joy of watching female porn and female only porn is there's absolutely an
06:46orgasm.
06:46Yes.
06:47And you are bisexual now.
06:49I am.
06:49I'm newly bisexual.
06:51That's great.
06:51Is that now?
06:52I thought you were always bisexual.
06:53No.
06:54I only realized like three years ago.
06:55But London knew.
06:56London knew.
06:57I always thought you were.
06:58Did you know?
06:58Did you always think?
06:59Babes, you were bisexual from the beginning.
07:01That is so funny.
07:02Because I've never, I haven't had, there's some friends that we have that have come out
07:05later and everyone's like, we were, we were waiting.
07:06You were definitely.
07:07I was not.
07:08Yeah.
07:08I just assumed.
07:09This is the first time I feel very validated.
07:10Do you think, Felicity, it was being MILF stuck that awakened your bisexuality?
07:16And then I got divorced and I became UNMILF stuck.
07:22You've been set the task of writing an erotic story that must feature one another.
07:26And it also must feature a specific setting, person and prop.
07:31Your story must be set at a beach.
07:32I would like it to include a sunburnt tourist, a shark, and at least one beach ball.
07:38The winner will receive a pen and the best story will receive a cheeky spot on my hot
07:46shelf filled with lewd tales.
07:49Lube tales?
07:50Lubed.
07:51Lubed and lewd tales.
07:53Anyway, we're all about consent in the Write Me Dirty library.
07:58Yay.
07:58So which one of you would like to begin with your filthy tale?
08:01I'm really intrigued by hers.
08:03I feel like it's going to be better than mine first.
08:05Let's see what you like.
08:06I was like, London's probably better, so I'll go first.
08:08I think yours is going to be better.
08:09Please tell me the title of your dirty story.
08:12All right.
08:13The title is The London Down Under.
08:15The London Down Under?
08:17The London.
08:17Oh, it could either be The London Down Under or The London Down Under.
08:21The London Down Under.
08:22I think The London Down Under is better.
08:24I'm ready for this.
08:25I'm seated.
08:26Sat.
08:27I'm going to do my deep voice.
08:28Please do.
08:29It was a hot, steamy summer Sunday afternoon in Sydney.
08:33Oh.
08:34Alliteration was everywhere.
08:36Yeah.
08:36The British baddie London Hughes was filming her new dating show, To Catch a Dick, on Bondi Beach.
08:42Let's go.
08:44She'd just come back from the sorbet shop across the road, but it was Australia, so while she
08:48did get the best ice cream she'd ever tasted, it also came with free racism.
08:53Yeah.
08:53But where are you really from?
08:56The gnar-toothed, unfuckable shopkeeper called after her.
08:59Oh, I love it.
09:00Hold on.
09:00I'm getting hot.
09:02But where are you really from?
09:05No.
09:06Unbothered and still hot.
09:07Yes.
09:08Licking the grainy ice from the top of its bulbous scoop.
09:11Yes.
09:12London sauntered back in a Chanel kitten heel and lime green Gucci string bikini.
09:17Let's go.
09:17A string bikini.
09:18I'm literally wearing Chanel and Gucci today.
09:20You know me so well.
09:21I know you so well, obviously.
09:23Let's go.
09:24And why?
09:24I've written it here because she's always that bitch.
09:27Whoa.
09:28She is.
09:29I love this.
09:30All right.
09:30Here's where it gets steamy.
09:31Okay.
09:31All in a row and ready for their next challenge stood five single, handsome, funny, interesting,
09:40compassionate, ambitious, fun, accomplished, and caring men.
09:45What?
09:45The only five of their kind on the planet to be all of those things at once.
09:49Exactly.
09:50It's a fantasy.
09:51I love this.
09:51It was very science fiction.
09:53Oh, my God.
09:54I mean, it's in Australia.
09:55It's basically an alien planet.
09:57Yeah.
09:57Oh, wow.
09:57Their hard bodies glistened with SPF 50+.
10:02Oh, I like that.
10:03Let's see.
10:04That was for you.
10:04Thanks.
10:05Under the thin ozone layer between them and the Australian cancer-determined sun.
10:09Yes.
10:10The director called action.
10:12Oh.
10:13The camera starts on Felicity Ward, London's slightly less attractive friend, but a proud
10:18hoe nonetheless.
10:19How did you come to the self-esteem problem?
10:20I guess what I'm going to say.
10:21What's wrong with her?
10:21Do you know what?
10:22I thought it was a little joke.
10:23I'm only friends with bad bitches.
10:24You would not be my friend if I thought you were ugly.
10:28I would tell you were ugly every day.
10:29I'm very honest.
10:30You're that other bitch.
10:32I'm the other bitch.
10:33You're the baddest bitch.
10:35Back from a toilet break quickie with the show's gaffer, Felicity, oiled and horny,
10:40bounces and slides on a giant beach ball.
10:43Nice.
10:43She looks to the camera, licks a pair of cherries, not a euphemism, and horn whispers down the
10:48barrel, to catch a dick.
10:51Yeah, baby.
10:51Because that's the opening title.
10:52Yeah, I love that for you.
10:53The camera tracks over to London, pouring coconut water all over herself on a podium
10:58shaped like a vulva.
10:59Oh, what's a vulva look like again?
11:02Get a mirror, mate.
11:03Lots of different.
11:03That's all of this.
11:05The whole of the vagina is a vulva.
11:07The outside is the vulva.
11:08The vagina is only like a small bit on the inside.
11:10The vagina is the...
11:11You have labia, majora, menorah, the vulva.
11:13So the vulva is just the lips?
11:15The outer lips?
11:16It's the whole business.
11:18Including the peekaboo?
11:19Yeah.
11:20That's the vulva.
11:21We don't really know.
11:22The vagina is the canal.
11:24What's the labia then?
11:26It's the labia.
11:27Where's that then?
11:28So there's the labia menorah and the labia majora.
11:30How do you know about all this?
11:32Bisexual.
11:33Yeah.
11:33No, it's not that.
11:35It's not that.
11:35She's bisexual.
11:36They talk about it in class.
11:37Yeah.
11:38In bisexual class.
11:39Yeah, when I got my degree.
11:40Yeah.
11:40You know how I found out that I was a bisexual?
11:42I went to buy a skateboard.
11:44Oh, my God.
11:44That's how I found out.
11:47Sorry.
11:47Sorry, go for it.
11:48All right.
11:49London calls out to the men that even though they're the best on the earth, are still not
11:52good enough for her.
11:53That part.
11:54Yeah?
11:54She knows me, man.
11:55I know you, mate.
11:56I wrote this for you.
11:57This is my honeybee.
11:57With you in my heart.
11:59For your next challenge to win a place in my heart and my pants is to, one by one, see
12:04if you can fight this shark.
12:06Oh!
12:08She gesticulates to the open water as a shark called Graham is dropped from a helicopter
12:12in the sky into the ocean.
12:14What a show.
12:15Wow.
12:15As if you wouldn't watch production budget.
12:17Yeah.
12:17Is it a real shark or animatronic shark?
12:19No, no, no.
12:19This baby is a real shark.
12:20Graham is real.
12:21Graham's a real shark.
12:22Okay, Graham.
12:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:24Nice.
12:24This is the moment to shine.
12:25Yeah.
12:26At that time, it dawned on the producers that they may not have thought this through, but
12:30it was going to make fantastic television.
12:31Yep.
12:33Terrence was the first to take the waves.
12:35CEO of a homeless charity and doctor in social science.
12:38He ran his thick tree trunk thighs as his PhD, pretty huge dick.
12:44Nice.
12:44I'm quoting Kanye.
12:45I'm quoting Kanye.
12:47Bulged from his Speedos, gripping to his body like a small lycra handkerchief strapped to
12:52the front of a high-speed rocket ship.
12:53You're good at this.
12:54Yeah.
12:54I see.
12:54He swam to Graham, ready to wrestle it to death and prove to London he was husband material.
13:00Nice.
13:00But before he could pull back his cannon-sized bicep, he was mauled to death by the overly
13:05toothed shark.
13:06There's Terrence out.
13:08Yeah, Terrence is gone.
13:09London says, not hot, as she crossed his face off the leaderboard with a throbbing,
13:14veiny, peen-shaped marker.
13:15Nice.
13:16Red tip, of course.
13:17Okay.
13:17Yes.
13:18Because she's a leader.
13:20Malik, can you do better?
13:21Malik.
13:21All you have to do is not die.
13:23Low bar.
13:24Malik, absolutely terrified, sprinted, then forward-flipped again and again into the water,
13:30showcasing skills from his day as a fourth-placed world-record gymnast.
13:34He looked back to London, smiling and flexing and crying as he backstroked out into the water.
13:40Within seconds, he was, again, just like the Tokyo Olympics, a loser.
13:44Oh, no!
13:45I know.
13:46Too damn.
13:47I like Malik.
13:48I know.
13:48We both did.
13:49But he couldn't beat a shark.
13:50He was emotionally available.
13:52Yeah.
13:52Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:53Which was he?
13:53Was he an MD, PhD?
13:55He was a gymnast.
13:55Gymnast.
13:56Oh, so he was an Olympic gymnast.
13:57He was an Olympic gymnast.
13:58Babes, all right.
13:59Who do I get with?
14:01What was happening?
14:01It's about to happen.
14:02There's someone in this.
14:03Are you going to, don't I?
14:04It might be Graham.
14:05It could be the shark.
14:07Baby shark.
14:09You could have a baby shark.
14:11I'm drying up here, boys.
14:13If I wanted to see this much blood, I'd just hang out with my friends so our cycles sync up.
14:17Oh, wow.
14:17I would watch this show.
14:19Same.
14:19100%.
14:20So to even out the challenge, the rest of you can compete together.
14:23Oh, okay.
14:24I like this.
14:25Okay.
14:26Michelin star and veterinarian Jason cried, I just want to go home, as he fell to his knees.
14:32Fuck you, Jason.
14:33I know.
14:34Well, he doesn't want to die.
14:35Oh, yeah.
14:36He and the other remaining disappointments shuffled towards the shore, hugging each other,
14:40stifling tears and prayers, staring at Graham, who quite frankly looks stuffed by this point.
14:45That's it.
14:46But before they could put a toe in the water, a siren blared across the length of the beach.
14:50A Bondi lifesaver had spotted a sunburnt tourist caught in a rip, floating towards Graham.
14:56He could let a contestant be eaten alive, but not an unwilling tourist.
15:00Not on his watch.
15:02Wow.
15:02Not the Bondi.
15:03Not in Bondi.
15:05London turned to see a golden, shaggy-haired, unassuming lifeguard called Budai bolt down
15:11to the shore's edge.
15:12As he ran past London in seeming slow motion, he mouthed the words,
15:17Welcome to the fuck zone.
15:18Yeah!
15:21London's bikini was immediately drenched and plumped out.
15:26Drenched and plumped out.
15:29Yeah, that's where the vulva.
15:31That's right.
15:31My vulva's swollen.
15:32It's swollen.
15:33Swollen vulva.
15:34Just from Budai.
15:35With surfboard underarm, Budai paddled out straight towards Graham and said the powerful ancient words,
15:42Piss off your dog cunt.
15:46Graham understood and swam off into the horizon.
15:48Oh, wow.
15:49Budai then loaded the nearby struggling tourist onto his board, who was taken at the shore
15:53in a beach buggy by two younger cadet lifesavers to have basic checks done.
15:57We always put safety first, even in our stories.
15:59Oh, that's good.
16:00Budai, on the other hand, walked straight up to London, towering over her, but standing
16:04only two inches away, looked her in the eyes and said in a thick Australian drawl,
16:09Do you want me to save you from these losers?
16:12Oh, yes.
16:13London, trying to maintain composure, replied,
16:16They're both astrophysicists.
16:17Can you even spell that?
16:19I can with my tongue.
16:20Oh!
16:21Whoa, whoa, whoa.
16:22This is the fuck zone.
16:24This is the fuck zone.
16:25Let's go.
16:25Budai does not fuck about.
16:27He scooped her up in his arms, his eyes piercing her soul, and silently carried her to the surf
16:33club garage.
16:34Garage?
16:35Yeah, it's hot.
16:36Babes.
16:36No, this is wet.
16:37See, I thought we were friends.
16:38But it's a small space like your vagina.
16:40It is.
16:41And you've been to the five-star hotels.
16:42This is different for you.
16:43Oh, okay.
16:44Continue.
16:44I'll see.
16:45You're just there.
16:45No, because you had me.
16:46I was here.
16:47I was in it.
16:47But you're just filming for the TV show.
16:49This doesn't have to be forever.
16:50Okay.
16:51Oh, yeah.
16:51That's true.
16:52It could just be for today.
16:53It's a quick smash.
16:54It could be smash and grab.
16:55It's Andy in the garage.
16:56Felicity, carry on because the labia is drying up.
17:00He put her down at the door, then with his hands on both of her hips, walked her back
17:06against the lifesaver's boat inside.
17:08It's a boat?
17:09It's rubber.
17:10What's a lifesaver's boat?
17:10So it's called a rubber ducky, but it's like a rubber.
17:13He's fucking me in a rubber ducky, Felicity.
17:15No, no.
17:16It's just a rubber boat.
17:17Babe, I'm wearing a Gucci bikini.
17:20So?
17:21All right.
17:23My God.
17:23You've never had this kind of rough sex?
17:25You haven't had a public sex?
17:26If I'm wearing a Gucci bikini, I'm not going to want to be fucked in a rubber ducky.
17:29Why?
17:30Because.
17:31Hear me.
17:31Look, to be fair, you're not lying down for some of this.
17:33Oh, okay.
17:34I'm standing up.
17:36Just wait.
17:37She drew breath as he pushed her into the inflatable rubber surface.
17:41You look like you're always the powerful one.
17:43Let me show you what it feels like to feel safe but helpless.
17:47I do like that.
17:48He tied her hands one at a time.
17:50She knows me.
17:50With the loose rope from the boat.
17:52See?
17:53This bitch knows me.
17:56I'm sorry for doubting you.
17:57Of course she's into light, Bondi.
17:59See, women that are in control all the time like to have the control taken away.
18:04It's the Bondi bondage.
18:05Ah, she got me.
18:07Bondi bondage, exactly.
18:08Bondi bondage.
18:09It's Budi with the Bondi bondage.
18:10Big dick Bondi bondage.
18:12She pretended to struggle but relented as he untied the side of her string bikini with
18:17one gentle pull.
18:19See, you're not going to get your bikini on the rubber ducky.
18:21It's off anyway.
18:22He untied it with one hand like just slowly.
18:23Just the string.
18:24And it just went boom and fell down.
18:26Yes.
18:27Continue.
18:28Her legs buckled underneath her as he slowly murmured the letters and made his way through
18:34the word.
18:34A-S-T-R-O.
18:40I asked.
18:41Finishing the word with perfect spelling.
18:43Let's go.
18:44Budai stood up and said, if I untie you, do you promise to behave?
18:48With a wry smile spread across her face, London answered, absolutely not.
18:53Woo!
18:54No, she won't.
18:55He loosened one hand, then the other, then threw her on top of the life jackets laying
18:59on the floor of the boat.
18:59He kissed her deep and hard, her designer kitten heels falling off her curled toes.
19:05She pushed him back and whispered, I want to catch this dick.
19:08He smirked, you don't have to catch this dick.
19:11I'm handing myself in.
19:12Let's go!
19:13Arms and legs and hands and tongues and mouths and sun cream journeyed across each other's
19:18opposite hemispheres until the land down under and the land of disappointment sat upright
19:23on top of each other, writhing together to make a climax that could only be described
19:28as an equator.
19:29Hot and scented and close to Indonesia.
19:32As they fell into each other's exhausted and sated, a knock came from the garage door
19:36as Felicity's voice floated in.
19:39Now that you're all finished in here, can I have one of the leftover boys?
19:42Losers can't be choosers.
19:44To which London replied, go catch that dick, friend.
19:47Yay!
19:48Very nice.
19:49Thank you so much.
19:50Thank you for giving me good sex.
19:52Of course.
19:53I would never give you maybe a good sex.
19:54I was worried when you said garage.
19:56I said, babe, don't really know my what I like.
19:58Why wouldn't you trust me?
20:00Of course I know.
20:00I should have just trusted you from the beginning.
20:02Sorry for doubting you.
20:04I'm going to give you a hot life, guys.
20:05I'm going to get you tied up against a boat.
20:07Yes, I was stuck.
20:09And the bikini isn't going to get dirty.
20:11Oh, I love a little...
20:12The one string.
20:14Oh, that actually...
20:15Take your time, right?
20:16Oh, yes.
20:17It's lovely stuff.
20:18And you know, it's spontaneous, London, because the journey to the five-star hotel,
20:23plus the check-in process.
20:24That's true.
20:25Exactly.
20:25There's no rope in a five-star hotel.
20:26I do like a bit of romance.
20:27Yeah.
20:28We all love...
20:29But this is...
20:29But this is sex.
20:30This is just...
20:31This is sex.
20:31This is the fuck zone.
20:32It's the fuck zone.
20:34All right.
20:35That was the song from Top Gun, wasn't it?
20:36It's the fuck zone.
20:38Welcome to the fuck zone.
20:42That's what it was.
20:43Yeah.
20:43Yeah.
20:43I loved it.
20:45You've had someone take your bikini off with one hair.
20:46Yes, I was...
20:47That's so hot.
20:49Woo!
20:49He...
20:50We had a barbecue.
20:51Smack in the fuck zone.
20:52We had a barbecue.
20:52And I was in a yellow bikini and he wanted to go down on me.
20:57And so we like went into his bedroom and he just like pulled...
21:01Jesus Christ.
21:02...pulled at my yellow bikini.
21:04It fell to the floor.
21:05He pushed me on his bed.
21:06Went down on me.
21:07Great stuff.
21:07Amazing.
21:08Congratulations.
21:09Tied it back up.
21:10Went down and said, had some chicken.
21:12Did you not have sex as well?
21:13No.
21:14He just wanted to go down on me.
21:15Wow.
21:16I just...
21:16What, if they go down on you, you have to have sex with them?
21:19If you're in the suburb...
21:21No, because sometimes I don't want to have sex with you.
21:22I just want to cum on your face.
21:24Yeah.
21:25Yeah.
21:25I'm just...
21:26I'm like what...
21:27I'm very when in Rome.
21:28Really?
21:29Yeah.
21:29So he's down there.
21:29You might as well.
21:30He's already down there.
21:31Right?
21:31Okay, I feel you.
21:33Sometimes I can't be bothered because I've already cum now.
21:34I can always be bothered.
21:36See, I'm like, I want some chicken.
21:38I would have had a bite before I'd gone.
21:40Oh, smart.
21:40Yeah, yeah.
21:41Line the stomach.
21:41This is why you're a mother.
21:42See?
21:42You think about it.
21:43It's a very mother thing to do.
21:45Make sure before you fuck, you've had some chicken.
21:47Can I tell you one of the greatest things about Field is that many, many men are specifically
21:53looking for older women, which is wonderful.
21:55Love that.
21:56And the amount that says looking for a mouth, they always have the best snacks.
21:59And quite frankly, I think it's funny.
22:01We do have great snacks.
22:02Do you guys have the best snacks?
22:03Yeah.
22:03We have snacks all the time.
22:04Also just the kids, yeah.
22:06Can one of you invite me to your houses so I can have some?
22:08You can come over to my house anytime.
22:10I will give you my keys.
22:11I would like some snacks.
22:12Okay.
22:12I can't cook, so.
22:14I would also like my coffee.
22:14Why would you?
22:15Yeah.
22:16You're getting eaten out at a barbecue.
22:17Exactly.
22:21London, are you ready to share your saucy tale?
22:22I'm really not.
22:24Because it's better than mine.
22:25Definitely.
22:26I feel like you can write sex really well.
22:28Yeah, that was good.
22:29I found this quite a challenge.
22:30Well, let's see what you've got.
22:31I think this is the first time, London, that I've seen you not uber confident.
22:34Exactly.
22:35I know.
22:36London, what's your story called?
22:37It's called The Seagull.
22:41Any significance thus far with The Seagull?
22:43No, I'm assuming it's just because I'm from a beach.
22:45Oh, yeah.
22:45Yeah, just that.
22:47Okay.
22:47The Seagull.
22:49It's a hot and sweaty and sexy day on Brighton Beach.
22:52We both started out on the beach.
22:54It was Australia and my Brighton Beach.
22:55Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:55London Hughes is sunbathing, being fabulous, looking very similar to both Beyonce and Rihanna
23:01and Megan Thee Stallion in her beach attire.
23:04A loud seagull squawks.
23:06London giggles.
23:07The Seagull is London Hughes' high school nickname because she has no gag reflex and has
23:12a penchant for swallowing men's battered sausages whole.
23:14I knew the Seagull would be explained.
23:17There you go.
23:18Was it really your nickname?
23:19Yeah.
23:19She is.
23:20Proud of you.
23:21I have no gag reflex.
23:22No.
23:23Straight down.
23:24Okay.
23:25Anyway, a skill she's perfected over the years.
23:29London's very moist.
23:31From the moisturiser, she has smothered all over her model-esque Kelly Rowland legs.
23:35Her sexy hand slides down her sexy thigh as she strokes her legs up and down in a sensual
23:41motion, akin to the movements her hand makes when she gives some lucky guy surprise fellatio.
23:47Felicity, a drop-dead gorgeous but uniquely pale white woman who watches London.
23:53Uniquely pale?
23:53I mean, me and Catherine are both in the same room.
23:55Do you know what?
23:56Yeah.
23:57Yeah.
23:57Catherine, you're more pale than Felicity.
23:59But you've been in Australia.
24:01But I've been back for two months.
24:02Oh, wow.
24:03When I was out there, I was tanned and then when I did Dancing with the Stars, I got fake
24:06tanned.
24:07I've never had it before.
24:08Amazing.
24:10Felicity watches London cream herself in awe.
24:14She's mesmerised by every sensual stroke.
24:16All of a sudden, Felicity gasps a sexy gasp and clutches her heaving, gigantic knockers.
24:22They are big.
24:24They are big.
24:24And they're smaller than they used to be.
24:27Felicity's snow-white skin starts to sizzle.
24:30She clutches her gigantic knockers in pain.
24:37Oh, no.
24:37They're the ones that are sizzling?
24:39Have I been sunbaking topples?
24:40I'll tell you why.
24:42It's the sound of sunburn.
24:44Yeah.
24:45Oh, no.
24:45There we go.
24:46Oh, for fuck's sake.
24:48She yells in her uniquely Australian accent.
24:51You all right over there, babes?
24:52London arts there wondering why this sweaty Caucasian Australian stranger is yelling at
24:56herself.
24:56I forgot to bring sunscreen, Felicity replies.
25:00I'm a tourist visiting from Adelaide, and I didn't think the UK would be this hot.
25:04Now my beautiful giant tits are all sunburnt.
25:07Flaming galah shrimp on the barbie.
25:09That's a shame, London replies.
25:09Oh, you speak my language.
25:11Thank you so much.
25:11You know what?
25:12That's the only Australian I know.
25:13Really authentic.
25:14That's a shame, London replied.
25:16Your tits are indeed so bouncy.
25:18You're bouncing for me.
25:20There we go.
25:20Look at that.
25:20It's very Baywatch.
25:21So bouncy and beautiful.
25:23I'm sad that they are all tender and sunburnt-y now.
25:27Felicity gently strokes her tender sunburnt-y tits.
25:30She's trying to seduce London.
25:32Oh, yeah, baby.
25:34There's no gram.
25:35There's no shark.
25:36No contestants.
25:37All the sex is happening right in here.
25:39Oh, yeah.
25:39The sexual tension between friends.
25:41Literally.
25:42Finally.
25:43She tickles her areolas.
25:47Yeah, baby.
25:48Tickles them.
25:49That's what I imagined.
25:52I said, black people don't need sunscreen.
25:54All I have is this shea butter moisturiser, which is true.
25:57Smells great.
25:58That's what I have too.
25:59I have it in my moisturiser.
26:00I have a very dry skin.
26:01I love shea butter.
26:03Would you like me to rub some shea butter all over your big burnt tits?
26:08Felicity is in a dilemma.
26:09She knows how to flirt.
26:10Is it?
26:11Your big burnt tits.
26:13Your big burnt tits.
26:14Felicity is in a dilemma.
26:15On one hand, as a white woman in the sun, rubbing shea butter on her burnt tits will only make matters worse.
26:21She'll burn even harder.
26:22She may even peel, which is a thing that happens to you guys.
26:25It's crazy.
26:26But on the other hand, London Hughes was just so goddamn sexy.
26:29Sure, I'd love you to do that to me, Felicity replies nervously, her heart beating in her vagina.
26:35Whoa.
26:35Why don't you come over here and rub that butter in slowly all over my toasty tits?
26:40London grabs the shea butter and walks over to Felicity in sexy slow motion.
26:44What's your name, by the way, cute Caucasian stranger, London arts?
26:48Oh, we're strangers in this.
26:49Yeah.
26:50I love it.
26:51Felicity Ward.
26:52What's yours, Felicity Ward replies?
26:54Mine's London Hughes.
26:55But in most southern seaside towns, I'm known exclusively as the seagull.
26:59Caw-caw!
27:00Caw-caw-caw-caw-caw.
27:01Because I swallow it whole.
27:03But your natural talent is sort of blocked in a same-sex relationship.
27:07Exactly.
27:08That's the thing.
27:09Is it?
27:09Is it caw-caw a different bird?
27:12Caw-caw!
27:12Like seagull is...
27:14How do you know?
27:15I grew up on a beach, mate.
27:17They got seagulls in Australia?
27:19I thought they were just in Britain.
27:20They're by every beach.
27:22I used to think they were called beach chickens.
27:25That's better.
27:26Okay.
27:26That's got a little squeal in it too.
27:28Yeah, it's really good.
27:29There we go.
27:29That had nuance.
27:30Thanks, man.
27:31Layers.
27:32Yeah.
27:32Felicity is aroused again.
27:34Wow.
27:35It was the bird noise, not the no-gaggles.
27:39Wow.
27:40If I had a penis and knew what it felt like to get it sucked on by a woman, I'd be extremely
27:45turned on right now, Felicity says.
27:47Suddenly, London trips up over a bucket and spade lodged in the sand.
27:51A handsome stranger calls out to her, hey, London, that's not a bucket and spade.
27:56That's my rock-hard dick you just tripped over.
27:59What kind of a man has a dick like a bucket?
28:01I feel like the bucket is the balls and the spade is the dick.
28:07London smiles to herself.
28:09It was definitely hard.
28:10She nearly stubbed her toe on it.
28:11It seems like she's making everyone at Brighton Beach come with her sexy Beyonce-like ways.
28:15I love it all.
28:17She's had to write a story about me and it's mostly just about how hot she is.
28:21Oh, my God.
28:22Never change.
28:23She's making people come.
28:24London's almost made her way over to Felicity now.
28:26With every step she takes, Felicity's salivating at her drippy clunge.
28:30Drippy clunge?
28:32Yeah.
28:33Drippy clunge.
28:33You're a poet and you should write literature for women.
28:36Thanks.
28:36Honestly.
28:37Drippy clunge?
28:38Big hot tits.
28:40Big hot burnt tits.
28:41Big hot burnt tits.
28:42Drippy clunge.
28:43She can't wait to have London's fingers all over her crispy burnt titties.
28:47Crispy now.
28:48Because of the sun's burnt.
28:48It's crisped up.
28:49Yeah, sure.
28:50Like Peking duck.
28:52I love Peking duck.
28:53Who doesn't?
28:54Suddenly, two beach balls appear out of nowhere, fly through the sky and hit London straight
28:59in the mouth.
29:00Wow, she gasps.
29:01Who just threw their balls in my mouth?
29:04London looks at her.
29:05That's all that's always.
29:06Exactly.
29:06It happens.
29:07Wow.
29:08Who just threw their balls in my mouth?
29:10It's one of her catchphrases.
29:11Yeah.
29:12London looks around to see another male.
29:14It's London's Brazilian ex-boyfriend, Ricardo from Chicago.
29:18He's topless and bottomless.
29:20His male areolus.
29:21Male areolus.
29:21His male areolus.
29:23Also, he's a male.
29:24Yeah.
29:25His male areolus bouncing in the sunshine.
29:27His dick the shape of the Isle of Wight.
29:30London only knows him by his penis, but she never forgets a penis.
29:34Ricardo from Chicago suggests going for a swim.
29:36Fancy a bit of skinny dipping, he asks.
29:38It's clear that he wants to get London soaking wet.
29:40She's apprehensive at first, but London can't resist the wetness.
29:43London grabs Ricardo's English county-shaped penis, and they frolic into the sea.
29:48Felicity watches on.
29:50Like a leash.
29:51Literally.
29:51Come on.
29:51Like, come here.
29:52Come here, little dick.
29:53Is it true that you never forget a penis?
29:54I never forget a penis.
29:55Really?
29:56Yeah.
29:57I try to forget something.
29:58I won't remember your name or face.
30:02I'll remember your penis.
30:03You'd be a good witness.
30:04I would be.
30:04And cartographer.
30:07I love a good penis.
30:08Apparently.
30:10Felicity watches on.
30:11There was a mountain, and then there was a small valley.
30:14Yeah, literally.
30:15Amazing.
30:15She's absolutely distraught.
30:17She calls out, wait, London, what about moistening my boobs with shea butter?
30:21But it's too late.
30:21London and Ricardo from Chicago are already fucking in the sea.
30:25Wow.
30:25Making Felicity's giant tits sizzle with anger.
30:28Upset that she may have missed her chance for some over-the-shoulder areola, Felicity watches
30:33on as Ricardo from Chicago and London make underwater love like sexy, horny, porny, merpeople.
30:40Felicity's egg white colored vag.
30:41I just assumed it was egg white.
30:43It might not be egg white.
30:44It's not.
30:45I don't know what color your vag would be.
30:46Mine's a different color to my face.
30:48Yeah.
30:48You assumed white women have egg white, like white?
30:52Egg white.
30:53Cooked or uncooked?
30:54Off white.
30:55In the shell.
30:56You've never seen a white woman's vagina.
30:58Of course I haven't.
30:59Yeah.
31:00You haven't seen a picture?
31:01Why would I look it up?
31:01What about all this milf form?
31:03I mean, milf form, I guess, but like.
31:05But they also die a lot.
31:07I'm not really looking at the vagina part.
31:09But yeah, I've just looked at them all.
31:11What color is it?
31:11It's darker.
31:12Mine's more purpley.
31:13It's pink.
31:14Oh, yours is pink?
31:14Yeah.
31:15Okay, except when I was pregnant, mine turned blue.
31:16Really?
31:17My nipples went dark brown when I was pregnant.
31:20My nipples are dark brown.
31:21That's right.
31:21I've seen them.
31:22What color are your nipples?
31:23Pink.
31:23Almost the color of my skin.
31:24I have what's called faders.
31:26Like they're very light pink.
31:27I would love to see them.
31:28I'll show them to you.
31:29Do they change when they get hard?
31:31Do they become more defined?
31:32Yes, a little bit darker and smaller.
31:32Yes.
31:33I have really big like areolas.
31:36Like my nipples are beautiful.
31:37I have a bag called burger nips.
31:39Burger nips.
31:40Seagull, burger nips.
31:41Seagull, burger nips.
31:42All beach themed.
31:43Literally.
31:43Where am I?
31:44Okay.
31:45You're having sea sex.
31:47Felicity's salmon colored badge pulsates with jealousy.
31:51Not great, but yeah.
31:52She wants to put a stop to the sexcapade.
31:54She marches into the sea but then stops as right in front of her she spots a giant shark.
31:58She panics and her vagina goes dry with fear.
32:01Shark!
32:02She screams as loud as she can.
32:04Look out, there's a shark in the water.
32:05But London and Ricardo from Chicago didn't hear her.
32:08They were too busy underwater sexing.
32:11Please stop having sex in the sea.
32:12There's a massive shark approaching.
32:14She calls out.
32:15But the two salty lovers couldn't hear her.
32:18Ecstasy and the sounds of their frobbing undercarriages were the only things London and
32:22Ricardo were listening to.
32:23Felicity watches as Ricardo finally finishes sea sex with London.
32:27He orgasms hard spraying his baby gravy all over the deep blue sea.
32:32Oy.
32:33Oy.
32:33Baby gravy.
32:35I found my gag reflex.
32:38Yeah.
32:39He seems pretty pleased with himself.
32:42London just seems okay.
32:43Ricardo.
32:44It's just like, it was meh.
32:45Ricardo goes to high five London after a great round of ocean sex, when all of a sudden
32:50the shark appears and swallows him whole.
32:52Just like London had done to his dick previously.
32:55She's the seagull after all.
32:56Sorry.
32:58Better.
32:59London is in shock.
33:00She swims away as a shark violently munches Ricardo's post-coital body.
33:04God.
33:04She stares at Felicity in horror.
33:06Told you there was a shark.
33:07Can you cream my tits now?
33:09Felicity replies, the end.
33:11Oh.
33:13Very good.
33:13We didn't get to, I didn't get to cream your tits.
33:17I feel like it's implied.
33:18Yeah.
33:18I feel like it's a post-script.
33:19I feel like I would have done it afterwards.
33:22I think especially because the sex was meh.
33:24I love how in your own fantasy, the sex is meh.
33:27Like men are still not performing.
33:30No.
33:30Underperforming.
33:31Even in your most ideal circumstances.
33:33Yeah.
33:34No.
33:34This is a bit meh.
33:35It's okay for him.
33:37Although, these sharks are getting fed today.
33:39Yeah.
33:40We've eaten three men.
33:41Yeah.
33:42It's actually a pro-animal message.
33:44Yeah.
33:45It's about endangered species.
33:46Felicity, what did you think?
33:47I really loved it.
33:49What I loved was how anatomically incorrect it was at so many different points.
33:54Why?
33:55Which bit?
33:56Just, you know, talking about vulva and I don't think men have areola or do they?
34:02They do.
34:03They do?
34:03Every mammal.
34:04Oh, no, it was, you said the areola were bouncing.
34:08I feel like his pecs would have bounced.
34:10Oh.
34:11The areola do bounce.
34:12I wanted the areola to bounce.
34:13Yeah.
34:13I don't know.
34:14I just, I loved some of the very rudimentary descriptions.
34:18Like what?
34:19I don't feel like...
34:19Drippy clunge?
34:20Drippy clunge.
34:21Drippy clunge.
34:22Like rather than being enticed with words, it was, you know, just, it was like sometimes
34:28when your kids are next to you in bed and then they get up, they'll accidentally, but
34:32every time, put their elbow into your tit.
34:35Right.
34:35And it's a pain that you cannot describe.
34:37Yeah, right.
34:38That is how I would describe some of your language.
34:40Look at that.
34:41Yeah.
34:41So a good thing.
34:42Yes.
34:43Yeah.
34:43Yeah, absolutely.
34:44I take that as a compliment.
34:49I loved so much about both stories.
34:51I loved that they included a beach setting.
34:54I liked the balls, of course.
34:56Of course.
34:56I liked the sharks were getting fed.
34:58Dick left and right.
35:00Dick left and right.
35:01We were boys.
35:02Both stories had London in a string bikini.
35:04Yes.
35:05And Felicity in different...
35:06Both stories featured London.
35:08That's important.
35:09I got fucked in both stories.
35:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:12I was feeling beachy.
35:14I was feeling hot.
35:16But there can only be one winner.
35:17Oh, no.
35:18Who's the pen going to go to?
35:20Can I see the pen?
35:21The four.
35:22Okay, I'll show it to you.
35:23Let me see.
35:24It's a nice pen.
35:26The winner of the Write Me Dirty pen and the story that will receive place of privilege
35:30in my Write Me Dirty library is...
35:33The Lunder Down Under.
35:39Felicity Ward.
35:39Oh, my God.
35:40Oh, my God.
35:41Oh, my God.
35:42A worthy winner.
35:43I thought you were going to say London Hughes.
35:46Worthy winner.
35:46Well, and that is because both stories were very good.
35:50But I think that I was very drawn to not only the alliteration off the top.
35:55Yes.
35:55That was hot.
35:56I think it shows that you're on field and that this is...
36:00Sexting is a real strength of yours.
36:02No, I was really there.
36:04Yeah.
36:04She's really descriptive.
36:05I felt like I was there.
36:06Felicity, how do you feel about your big win?
36:08Look, this is emotional.
36:09It's actually hard for me to talk about because it's such a big deal.
36:12I'd like to thank all the people that I've had sex with for inspiring this story.
36:18And me as well.
36:20I'd like to thank London for being a muse and such an easy, inspiring muse.
36:26Like, you saw how I captured you in there.
36:28Perfectly.
36:29Everything that you are is in that story.
36:32100%.
36:32So thank you for being...
36:34Thank you for having me and giving me the platform to express myself in this way,
36:39which I think is untapped, quite frankly.
36:41I like it.
36:42I want you to do more of this.
36:43I feel like I'm going to do a romance novel next.
36:45Thank you so much to my guests, London Hughes and Felicity Ward.
36:50Thank you, Catherine Ryan.
36:51Well done, girls.
36:54Listening to Felicity's story made me burn with pure heat.
36:58The moment that Felicity and London left, the winning book went to print
37:01and I popped it on my rigid shelf.
37:04And for those at home, if this has inspired you to write your own dirty story,
37:08I'll leave you with this swollen tip.
37:15If you're at the beach while writing your dirty story,
37:18why not let your inhibitions go and join the nudists?
37:22The freedom will help your storytelling,
37:24just as long as you don't get overexcited
37:26and let your creative juices leak on your beach towel.
37:29That's all from me.
37:30Until next time, when two more guests will write me dirty.
37:34There's a long blow.
37:58Great day.
38:03Great day.
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