Write Me Dirty Season 1 Episode 8

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Transcript

00:00Hello, I'm Katherine Ryan, and this is Write Me Dirty.

00:04Coming up this week...

00:07It's not a glory hole.

00:08It's not a glory hole.

00:09Yeah, yeah.

00:10Is Ian like a midwife in this story or just a pervert?

00:13Just a pervert. Okay.

00:15It's big time negging to say someone fucks a cat.

00:19It wasn't specific or quick.

00:21Okay.

00:24What's this micropenis lord gonna do?

00:27Big dicks causing property damage, you know,

00:29big dicks.

00:31I can only...

00:32I just, you know, you write what you know.

00:33Yeah.

00:35Right.

00:36Okay.

00:40Sundays are tricky little days.

00:43Sometimes they're filled to the brim with expensive lunches,

00:46a touch of shopping,

00:47and of course, a bull semen facial.

00:50Other times, they're completely empty.

00:53And so, on this lonesome Sunday,

00:55as I stood in my library fingering my books,

00:58I wondered how I would fill my day.

01:01Maybe I'll start renovating.

01:03Turn this library into a ballroom.

01:05That way I can spend all my time sashaying,

01:07dancing, laughing at my own jokes.

01:09But I let that silly thought pass.

01:12What a silly little thought indeed.

01:14However, as I sat upon my washing machine for its most vigorous cycle,

01:20it got me thinking,

01:21what if this room had once been a banquet hall

01:25filled with the most interesting people in the world,

01:28eating,

01:28dancing,

01:29and perhaps even shagging?

01:32What if a waiter's fingers had accidentally grazed the hand of a lord

01:36so gently it made the lord tremble?

01:40What if a countess had sucked the bones off a chicken leg

01:43so softly it had made a count almost fall to his knees?

01:47What if these very walls had seen an aristocrat slut-dropped flow rider?

01:52What if?

01:53What if?

01:54What if?

01:54I must hear this story told in full.

01:57I called one of my assistants immediately

01:59and requested he scour the land

02:01for two of the dirtiest writers he could find.

02:03Find them and tell them

02:05whomever writes the naughtiest story

02:07will get a firm handshake

02:08from the richest,

02:10most gorgeous,

02:11successful comedian in the land.

02:13It's me.

02:14Assistant had no trouble locating

02:16two of the dearest peasants

02:17to tell me how this story would go

02:20and to write me dirty.

02:24Hello, I'm Catherine Ryan

02:26and each week I ask two guests

02:28to write a naughty, dirty, filthy story about each other.

02:33And today, my two naughty nerds

02:35are Amy Gledhill and Ian Smith.

02:36Welcome.

02:37Hello.

02:39Sorry, I panicked because I didn't know what camera to look at

02:41and then I forgot to say anything.

02:42You panicked because of that

02:44or because you've written some pure filth

02:47about your colleague?

02:49Gross, Ian.

02:49Do we have an HR department?

02:51I mean, how did you feel?

02:53Amy, how did you feel about the brief today

02:56and what you had to bring to the table?

02:58It was tricky.

03:00No offence to Ian.

03:01Lovely boy.

03:02But tricky to view him in a different light.

03:05Really?

03:05Yeah.

03:06A different light.

03:07Yeah.

03:07A sexual one.

03:09Don't use that word.

03:10You hadn't viewed Ian in a sexual light before?

03:14No.

03:14And that's weird because...

03:15I'm sorry, Ian.

03:16I had my story already written

03:18and then when the podcast come through,

03:20I was like, oh, I can just use that one.

03:22How many female comedians

03:24have you got dirty stories about Ian in your butt?

03:27Usually when a new female comedian gets in,

03:30you like say a prestigious new act competition final,

03:33so they're on my radar,

03:34I will write an erotic story about them.

03:35That's nice.

03:36I saw you in the Funny Women audience, actually,

03:38and I thought you were a judge, but...

03:40Yeah.

03:40No.

03:41No, I wanted to add a bit more texture to the story,

03:43so I like to go and see them live.

03:44That's nice.

03:45And sometimes ask a bit more about them.

03:47And how do you know Amy?

03:48Ian, when did you guys first meet on the circuit?

03:50I think we first met...

03:52So obviously we do a podcast together,

03:54Northern News,

03:56but I think we first met in Edinburgh

03:58and another comedian called David Callaghan,

04:02and I think the first year I stayed with Amy,

04:04she was also doing...

04:05That was the year you were doing massages

04:06as additional Edinburgh fringe income.

04:11I'd sometimes walk past Amy's room

04:13and there was just like a table

04:15with like a hole in it or something

04:16and she'd just be massaging someone.

04:19Oh, for the head.

04:20Yeah.

04:21Yeah.

04:21Nothing else.

04:22No, not a glory hole.

04:23It's not a glory hole.

04:24Yeah, yeah.

04:26But that was my first impression of Amy,

04:28sort of living with her in Edinburgh,

04:30which was very fun.

04:32And yeah, occasionally seeing her

04:34getting to work on some muscle tension.

04:38Where were you finding these patrons, Amy?

04:41Facebook.

04:42Are we...

04:42Would you just whisper into their ear

04:46to hopefully also buy a ticket to your show?

04:48Were you flyering the massages?

04:50Do you know what?

04:50It happened the other way around.

04:51So I was doing a show,

04:53my double act, The Delightful Sausage,

04:54which is really absurd and gross and mucky.

04:58It's like really mucky stuff.

05:00And then people would come.

05:01They'd come up the stairs to the flat

05:04and I'd be in my little massage tunic.

05:07What?

05:07Trying to be like professional.

05:09And they'd go,

05:10oh, I've just seen your show about bum holes and maggots.

05:13And I was like,

05:14come in, relax.

05:17Don't think about the bum holes and maggots.

05:20Breathe.

05:21Great.

05:22Yeah.

05:23Did you fancy any of your clientele?

05:25No.

05:26I am trained.

05:27This wasn't me just giving it a go.

05:29I just want to put that out there.

05:31Sure.

05:31And they train you in massage

05:33not to go on men's ears.

05:35Why not?

05:36Because it's too sexual

05:37and often causes erections.

05:39What?

05:39Genuinely.

05:40Yeah.

05:40Really?

05:40That's part of your training.

05:41And you also learn how to deal with an erection,

05:44an unwanted erection.

05:45How do you deal with an unwanted erection?

05:46Ignore it.

05:47Was that all they said?

05:51Yeah.

05:51It's literally like...

05:52Lesson four,

05:53how to deal with an erection.

05:54Just pretend it's not there.

05:56I mean,

05:57it sounds a lot like my marriage.

05:58Okay.

05:59It works.

06:01Do you know a lot about sex

06:03from this teaching

06:05or from your own life?

06:06I mean,

06:06what are your sexual fantasies, Amy?

06:08I haven't had sex for a year.

06:10It's been a year now.

06:11You shouldn't be having sex.

06:12Okay.

06:13Okay.

06:13Thank you so much.

06:14Because do you know what?

06:15I know about some of your dating history

06:18and I'm not impressed.

06:19Okay.

06:21And it's okay.

06:24I don't judge you

06:25because I've absolutely been there.

06:26But you need some time off.

06:29You know,

06:29you need like a palate cleanser.

06:30Yeah.

06:31Then like go back in.

06:33Yeah.

06:33And then you'll have enough self-respect

06:35to hopefully choose better.

06:37Like we know,

06:38you're friends.

06:38We know you deserve.

06:41Ian,

06:41do you have any sexual fantasies?

06:43I don't think I do.

06:44I was thinking about this.

06:45I'd be really sad

06:46if I had like a fetish.

06:48Yeah.

06:49Because I just think

06:50it's so difficult

06:51of like what,

06:53what like day

06:54or what avenue

06:56in a trusting relationship

06:57do you go,

06:58I'm really sorry.

07:00You've got to

07:01butter some bread

07:02really thick

07:03and you've got to

07:04slap it on my body.

07:05Like something like that.

07:06I'd just be like,

07:07I'd be too stressed

07:09about that all the time.

07:10That was so specific

07:11and so quick.

07:12That's definitely your fantasy.

07:13It was very northern

07:14and it was very northern as well.

07:16It wasn't specific or quick.

07:17Okay.

07:20I don't even like bread.

07:26I think it's time

07:27to hear your stories.

07:28As you know,

07:29you have each been set the task

07:30of writing

07:31the naughtiest story

07:32that you can

07:33about each other

07:34and you've been asked

07:35to include

07:36a setting,

07:37a character

07:37and a prop.

07:38I have set you the task

07:40to include

07:41an aristocrat

07:43at a banquet

07:44and the props

07:45must include

07:46a quill

07:47and a cheese

07:48and onion pie.

07:49The winner shall receive

07:50a firm handshake

07:51from me

07:52and their story

07:53will gain

07:53place of privilege

07:54on my dirty,

07:57dusty,

07:58filthy

07:58bookshelf.

08:00Consent

08:01is very important

08:02in the Write Me Dirty library

08:03so who would like

08:04to go first?

08:05Do you have a preference,

08:07Amy?

08:07Oh, well done, Ian.

08:09Very nice.

08:09Oh, what are you running from?

08:13Do you want Amy

08:14to go first?

08:15Yeah, Amy can go first

08:17if she'd like.

08:18Amy, what's the story called?

08:20It is called

08:21The Mucky Ring.

08:23Oh, no.

08:27Oh, no.

08:28Okay.

08:29Back to bumholes

08:29and maggots,

08:30unfortunately.

08:31Ian James Smith

08:33was a lowly cow farmer

08:34from bottom

08:35of T'Hill.

08:36His life

08:37was slop and muck

08:38as far as

08:39his milky eyes

08:40could see

08:41but he had dreams.

08:43Dreams of eating

08:44indoors

08:45with T'Knife

08:46and T'Fork

08:47of pissing

08:48somewhere other

08:48than on his own feet.

08:51Amy,

08:52what is the,

08:53is this old

08:54D language,

08:55the T apostrophes?

08:56Oh, it's very Yorkshire

08:57that we say like

08:58Is it?

08:59T'Shop.

08:59Let's go T'Shop.

09:01It's like the,

09:02but I'm putting it in

09:03when it shouldn't be.

09:03Sorry, as a Canadian

09:04I was unfamiliar

09:05but it adds to the realism

09:06I feel like I'm on the farm.

09:08He has dreams of feeling

09:09the warm skin

09:10of another human

09:11rather than just that

09:13of his panting bovines.

09:15Ian spent an inordinate

09:17amount of time

09:18hugging his cows.

09:19Yes, partly for himself

09:20but he found he had

09:21a great calming effect

09:22on them.

09:23He was the only farmer

09:24in the East Riding

09:25who believed that

09:26getting on a cow's back

09:27and straddling it

09:28whilst it was giving birth

09:29was the correct method.

09:32He was known amongst

09:32the community

09:33as the cow fondler

09:35or how Ian would pronounce it

09:36the T-Cow-T-Fondler-Tum.

09:40That's very northern.

09:43Was there an extra T on the end

09:45as well?

09:46Yeah, there was.

09:46Just for Yorkshire.

09:48As a cow who's given birth

09:50Yeah.

09:50many times

09:51I feel turned off

09:55by a man who would

09:57sit atop me

09:58while I'm in that kind of

10:01It's a powerful move.

10:03It must help

10:04push things out.

10:07I love that you're

10:08instantly defending it

10:09like

10:09I did it because

10:11That's what he's doing

10:12in this story.

10:13He's a trained cow farmer.

10:14Yeah.

10:15Is Ian like a midwife

10:16in this story

10:17or just a pervert?

10:18Just a pervert.

10:19Okay.

10:20Just a full pervert.

10:21Okay.

10:21At the top of the hill

10:23lived Lord Oxbridge

10:25a not untalented man

10:27but someone who was so

10:28dripping in unchecked

10:29privilege that his

10:30relationship with reality

10:32was that of a kitten

10:33chasing a bubble in a gust.

10:34Ooh, lovely.

10:35That's quite nice.

10:36I liked that.

10:37Good work, Amy.

10:38His wife, Lady Oxbridge

10:40hated him.

10:41Oh.

10:42Yeah.

10:42Oh, yeah.

10:43I see what's going to happen.

10:44Here we go.

10:45Here we go.

10:46She found him childlike

10:47and self-obsessed

10:48edgeless without grit

10:50or mystery

10:50too damn clean

10:52to be sexy.

10:53On this night

10:54every year

10:55the Oxbridges

10:56hosted their annual banquet

10:57called Ball for All.

11:00Ooh.

11:01A great feast

11:02celebrating the wonderful

11:03diversity found

11:04around the hills.

11:06It was a real

11:06hodgepodge of folk

11:07from all genders

11:08lineages

11:09and peerages.

11:10Oh, hang on.

11:12Right?

11:12So Oxbridge

11:13even though an elitist

11:15Yeah.

11:16he includes the entire

11:17community

11:18in this very diverse

11:19Ball for All.

11:20So almost.

11:22Yeah.

11:23So very almost

11:24because

11:24the amazing thing was

11:26it didn't matter

11:27where in the world

11:28they came from

11:29they all happened

11:30to be from the same

11:31class.

11:32Oh.

11:33Lord Oxbridge

11:33saw beauty in that

11:34sometimes there'd be

11:35a backlash from the

11:36bitter uninvited guests

11:37saying it's not diversity

11:38if you all went

11:40to the same university.

11:41Very left-wing story

11:42I like.

11:43Thank you so much

11:43but he'd laugh it off

11:45and say he couldn't

11:46understand their accents.

11:47Basically

11:48this is because

11:49I know

11:50Ian maybe

11:51now and again

11:52as a chip

11:54on the old shoulder

11:55about

11:55the posh.

11:57What's that chip

11:58being?

11:59Sometimes

11:59I'll like

12:01Google a

12:02celebrity's name

12:04I'll see that

12:05they're from an

12:06incredibly wealthy

12:06background

12:07or privately educated

12:07and I just do a

12:08little scream

12:09to myself.

12:11Yeah.

12:12So it's just

12:13stuff like that.

12:13Like I think

12:14of the last BAFTAs

12:15they were like

12:16out of the English

12:16nominees

12:17like 80%

12:18of the BAFTA

12:19nominees

12:19were privately

12:20educated

12:20and then I'd

12:21just sort of go

12:21fuck!

12:25But then remember

12:26that I haven't

12:26done anything

12:27that would even

12:27be in consideration

12:28or worthy

12:29and I haven't

12:31put any effort in

12:31but

12:32But you know what

12:33I feel Ian

12:34that when you're

12:34campaigning for

12:35social justice

12:36it might seem

12:37that it's about you

12:38but it's not

12:38you would just

12:39like to see

12:39your demographic

12:40fairly represented

12:41and you see

12:42them including

12:43different

12:44ethnicities

12:45and maybe

12:46genders

12:46but socioeconomic

12:47background

12:48is not considered

12:49and I would like

12:50to take time

12:50to thank the

12:51producer of this

12:52podcast for my

12:52wine and for the

12:53show and that's

12:54Jamie Lang

12:54whose grandfather

12:56is of course

12:57the Biscuit King

12:59Long may he reign

13:03Thanks for letting

13:04us use your garage

13:05Go on Amy

13:07Lady Oxbridge

13:12grew weary

13:13of the same

13:13guests year in

13:14year out

13:15She should be

13:15down there now

13:16really being the

13:17hostess but she

13:18was in no rush

13:19As she relaxed

13:20in her state-of-the-art

13:21tin bath

13:22she slid her

13:23wedding ring

13:24on and off

13:25her slippery finger

13:26daring to dream

13:27about a life

13:28unchanged

13:28from Lord Oxbridge

13:30For a second

13:32her mind wandered

13:33to thoughts of

13:33another man

13:34someone rough

13:35and scummy

13:36She imagined

13:38her skin fine

13:39like Lady Diana

13:40commemorative China

13:41being caressed

13:42by a man with

13:43the rough dry

13:43hands of a

13:44fisherman or

13:45someone who

13:45overuses

13:46antibacterial hand

13:47gel

13:48Okay can I just

13:49take a minute here

13:49Ian how are you

13:50feeling about

13:51If you were to

13:53sort of get

13:54all the men in

13:55the world on a

13:56scale I'd say

13:57I'd be towards

13:59the smoother

13:59handed men

14:00Yeah look at

14:02your hands now

14:02let's see your

14:03hands

14:03I don't do

14:04manual labour

14:05do stuff like

14:06this

14:07podcasts

14:07and

14:10His fingers

14:11calloused from

14:12podcasting

14:13Pulled in the

14:14podcast mic so

14:15tightly

14:16So she's in the

14:17bath

14:17eyes closed

14:18she traces a

14:19soapy finger

14:20over her cheek

14:21down her neck

14:22and towards her

14:22navel

14:23Just then

14:24Amy

14:25her chambermaid

14:26bangs on the

14:27bathroom door

14:27She's so fit

14:29but kind too

14:30A real catch

14:32everybody said so

14:33Lady Oxbridge

14:36Lady Oxbridge

14:37sorry to disturb

14:38your bath

14:38wank but Lord

14:39Oxbridge requires

14:40your immediate

14:41presence in the

14:42billiard room

14:43We don't have a

14:45billiard room

14:45Lady Oxbridge

14:46replied

14:47I know ma'am

14:49he's drunk

14:50Amy said

14:50fetching Lady

14:51Oxbridge's towel

14:52and helping her

14:53out of the bath

14:54upon standing in

14:56the cold the

14:56steam rose off

14:57Lady Oxbridge's

14:58wet skin like a

14:59freshly baked

15:00cheese and onion

15:01pie

15:03Nice

15:03Fuck

15:04Points

15:05It's in there

15:06She

15:07My favourite bit

15:10was when you did

15:11a sort of voice

15:12for Amy Gleddle

15:13even though it's

15:14you

15:14I don't know

15:15Ma'am

15:16Thanks

15:18I'm proud of that

15:19actually

15:19She wrapped herself

15:20in the towel

15:21and dripped

15:21through to the

15:22bedroom

15:22Amy opened the

15:24window and began

15:25throwing out

15:26bath water

15:26She really is

15:27so fit

15:28The water as

15:30usual trickled

15:32down the hill

15:32to Ian's farm

15:33where he waited

15:34with his rag

15:35ready to use it

15:36for a wash

15:37for him and

15:38Betty

15:38his favourite

15:39heifer

15:39So I'm just

15:42going to wash

15:43myself in the

15:44cow

15:44I love

15:46I love

15:47the word

15:48heifer

15:48As he was

15:49lathering up

15:50Betty's rump

15:51he noticed

15:52something twinkling

15:53in the muddy

15:53suds

15:54It was a ring

15:55Lady Oxbridge's

15:57wedding ring

15:58no less

15:58I must take

16:01this up to

16:02hilt at

16:03Lady Oxbridge

16:03at once

16:04So honourable

16:05Ian exclaimed

16:06to Betty

16:06who didn't reply

16:07because she's

16:07a literal cow

16:08he gave her

16:09a big old

16:10hug and a

16:10kiss on the

16:11mouth

16:11and put on

16:12his best

16:13and only

16:14jacket

16:14and set off

16:15up to

16:16hilt

16:16Am I going

16:17to have

16:18sex with

16:18a person

16:19do you reckon

16:19so far

16:21I'm just

16:22having sex

16:22with his

16:22cow

16:23and kissing

16:24it on the

16:25lips

16:25I'm a bit

16:26worried that

16:26Ian has a

16:27jacket

16:27what's it

16:28for

16:28has he been

16:29to court

16:30has he been

16:32it's his

16:32court

16:32in the north

16:34we have a

16:34jacket and you

16:34either use it

16:35for court

16:35or funerals

16:36so he's been

16:37to funerals

16:38so he does

16:38you have

16:39contact with

16:39people

16:40yeah

16:40meanwhile

16:41lady oxbridge

16:42freezing cold

16:43and soaking wet

16:44in not but a

16:45bath sheet

16:45attended her

16:46husband's call

16:47whatever is the

16:48matter dear

16:48what is so

16:49urgent as to

16:50interrupt my

16:51bath wank

16:52bath wank

16:53yeah I was

16:54going to interject

16:55there

16:55interrupt my

16:56bath wank

16:57bath wank

16:58sulking like

17:01an intoxicated

17:02toddler

17:02lord oxbridge

17:03replies

17:03my favourite

17:05quill

17:05it's missing

17:07quill

17:08quill

17:09quill

17:10have you

17:10checked

17:10your drawer

17:11darling

17:11says mum

17:12I mean

17:12lady oxbridge

17:13yes sir

17:15stop having

17:16a go at

17:16me

17:16how on earth

17:17will I

17:17write my

17:18award winning

17:18plays

17:19lord oxbridge

17:21stomps

17:21you'll do

17:22what you

17:22always do

17:22dear

17:23pay someone

17:23else to

17:23write them

17:24lady oxbridge

17:25puts a

17:26hand on his

17:26shoulder to

17:27comfort him

17:27and notices

17:28with a jolt

17:29her wedding

17:29ring is

17:30missing

17:30she hides

17:31her hand

17:32immediately

17:32if he's

17:33upset about

17:34a quill

17:34he's literally

17:35never used

17:36the ring

17:36would tip

17:37him over

17:37the edge

17:37into one

17:38of his

17:38infamous

17:39man-baby

17:39bouts

17:40which could

17:40last for

17:40months

17:41and with

17:41over 50

17:42guests

17:42all called

17:43sebastian

17:43in the

17:44main hall

17:44this would

17:45be catastrophic

17:46there is a

17:47knock

17:48knock at

17:48the back

17:49door

17:49the back

17:50door

17:50is rarely

17:51used

17:52birthdays

17:53and sometimes

17:54if there's a

17:55heavy flow

17:55of goods

17:56being delivered

17:57Amy's

17:59fit footsteps

18:00can be heard

18:01going to answer

18:02standing on the

18:02doorstep

18:03stinking of cow

18:04is farmer

18:05Ian

18:05Amy greets

18:06him

18:07but Ian

18:07is speechless

18:08weirdly

18:09not by her

18:10fitness

18:10but by the

18:11interior of

18:12the aristocrat's

18:13house

18:13no slop or

18:15muck in sight

18:15exactly the

18:16sort of place

18:17you could eat

18:18with a knife

18:19and fork

18:19unbelievable

18:21I have something

18:23belonging to

18:24Lady Oxbridge

18:25may I see her

18:26and I'm okay

18:27with that voice

18:28as well

18:28it's deeper

18:33it's manlier

18:33than mine

18:34I have to

18:36distinguish it

18:37from mine

18:38Amy laughed

18:39I doubt she'd

18:40want to see you

18:40farmer Ian

18:41on account of

18:42you stinking

18:43like shit

18:43and having a

18:44reputation as

18:45a cow fiddler

18:46she's on the

18:46BAFTA committee

18:47sorry I think

18:52you're alright

18:52though we should

18:53do a podcast

18:54what is a podcast

18:55replied the

18:56cow fiddler

18:57don't know

18:58said Amy

18:58but she knew

18:59she was on

19:00to summit

19:00leave us Amy

19:02Lady Oxbridge

19:03stood atop of

19:04the stairs

19:04staring at

19:05farmer Ian's

19:06rough muddy

19:06hands

19:07she gulped

19:08Amy scurried

19:09away to

19:10patent podcasts

19:11leaving the

19:12two of them

19:12alone

19:13Lady Oxbridge

19:14I have

19:14something for

19:15you

19:16Ian croaked

19:17out

19:17come inside

19:21Lady Ope

19:22heard

19:23oh

19:24it's

19:25heating up

19:26now

19:26yes

19:26delighted

19:27to be

19:28in a

19:28structure

19:28made

19:29of

19:29brick

19:29Ian

19:30came

19:30inside

19:31and

19:31closed

19:31the

19:32door

19:32behind

19:32Lady Oxbridge

19:34had dropped

19:34her bath

19:35sheet

19:35and was

19:36stood

19:36completely

19:37naked

19:37my

19:38she

19:38hasn't even

19:39said it

19:39just straight

19:40into it

19:40well she

19:40did

19:41explain

19:41come inside

19:42oh I guess

19:43yeah

19:43oh my god

19:44yeah

19:45she walked

19:46over to him

19:46took his

19:47brutish hands

19:48in hers

19:48feeling the

19:49ring

19:50Ian was

19:50moved by

19:51the warmth

19:51and softness

19:52of a human

19:53hand

19:53over the

19:56hubbub of

19:57Sebastian's

19:57in the next

19:58room

19:58Lady Oxbridge

19:59whispers her

20:00lips an inch

20:01away from

20:02his

20:02is it true

20:03you fiddle

20:04cows

20:04Ian looks at

20:05the floor

20:06yes getting a

20:06glimpse of her

20:07breasts on the

20:08way down

20:08he'd actually done

20:09so well

20:09maintaining eye

20:10contact right up

20:11until now

20:11someone should

20:12give him a

20:12bloody medal

20:13if loving

20:14them and

20:15caring for

20:15them and

20:16making them

20:17feel safe

20:17is fiddling

20:18then yes

20:19I guess I

20:20do

20:20so is that

20:21sort of

20:22confirming that

20:22I don't

20:23have sex

20:24with the

20:24cows

20:24I hope you

20:25don't

20:26does he

20:26have sex

20:26it's ambiguous

20:27you know

20:28readers can

20:29read into it

20:30whatever they

20:30want

20:31I don't know

20:31I feel

20:32less turned

20:34on by the

20:34protagonist

20:35if I feel

20:36that he's

20:36been inside

20:36a cow

20:37you okay

20:38well I've

20:39definitely been

20:40inside them

20:41but probably

20:41just with

20:42the birthing

20:42process

20:43yeah

20:44but are these

20:45half man

20:45half cow

20:46babies

20:47we can't

20:48talk about

20:48the calves

20:49they look

20:51weird

20:51they stand

20:52upright

20:52they've got

20:54fun

20:54the next one

20:55is called

20:55silence of

20:56the calves

20:57oh god

20:58yeah

20:58this is all

20:59lady oxbridge

21:00ever wanted

21:00to hear from

21:01her pathetic

21:01husband

21:02she pulled

21:03the farmer

21:03close and

21:04pleaded

21:05then let me

21:06be your cow

21:07after a few

21:08awkward minutes

21:09of ian trying

21:10to milk her

21:10he clocked

21:11that she

21:12meant sex

21:12stuff

21:13when she

21:14said

21:14i meant

21:15sex stuff

21:16and things

21:16really kicked

21:17off

21:18limbs entangled

21:19hair got

21:20tangled

21:20and dicks

21:21went right

21:21up

21:22dicks

21:23how many

21:23dicks

21:24where are

21:24all the

21:24dicks

21:25coming from

21:25i presume

21:26he's got

21:26a few

21:27i don't

21:27know

21:27i don't

21:27know

21:28like an

21:28udder

21:29sort of

21:29system

21:29i've got

21:30six dicks

21:31ripe for

21:34milking

21:34lady oxbridge

21:36pushed the

21:37horrible dirty

21:37fingers into

21:38every orifice

21:39she could

21:39think of

21:40dirty fingers

21:42and then two

21:43she couldn't

21:44in the heat

21:52of the

21:52moment

21:52the farmer

21:53did his

21:53signature

21:54move

21:54he respectfully

21:56asked lady

21:57o to get

21:57on all

21:58fours

21:58and he

21:59mounted her

21:59like a

22:00pregnant

22:00cow

22:01he began

22:02to rhythmically

22:03ride her

22:03arm in

22:04up to his

22:05elbow

22:05saying things

22:06like that's

22:07it girl

22:08nearly out

22:08now

22:09keep going

22:10keep going

22:11as she was

22:12reaching the

22:13irreversible

22:14peak he

22:14galloped her

22:15through the

22:15doors to

22:16the main

22:16hall where

22:17she knocked

22:18over a

22:19gravy jug

22:19dousing them

22:20both threw

22:21her head

22:22back and

22:22let out an

22:23almighty

22:24moo

22:25i've ridden

22:30her into

22:31where other

22:32people are

22:32yeah into

22:33the banquet

22:34is her

22:35husband there

22:36well i'm

22:37sure we're

22:37gonna find

22:38out what's

22:39this micropenis

22:40lord gonna

22:40do

22:40not much

22:42i bet

22:43the sebastians

22:44were still

22:45and silent

22:45all eyes

22:46on the

22:46lovers as

22:47they collapsed

22:48in a heap

22:48i'll be

22:49getting took

22:49back then

22:50the farmer

22:50panted and

22:51left lady

22:52oxbridge

22:52twitching in

22:53ecstasy on

22:54the floor

22:54lord oxbridge

22:55appeared through

22:56the crowd

22:57full of

22:57adrenaline

22:58i knew it

22:59my quill

23:00was in my

23:01drawer like

23:01you said

23:02he stood

23:03over her

23:04naked body

23:04not for a

23:05second thinking

23:06anything amiss

23:07why is your

23:08ring so

23:09mucky

23:09he asked

23:10because i

23:12fucked a

23:12farmer and

23:13it's covered

23:13in his

23:14slop

23:14she replied

23:15lord oxbridge

23:17laughed

23:17maybe because

23:18he thought it's

23:19so implausible

23:20as to be a

23:20joke but

23:21probably because

23:22he had already

23:23stopped listening

23:24and started

23:24thinking about

23:25how much

23:25money his

23:25dad has

23:26amy honestly

23:27looking like

23:28an angel at

23:29this point

23:29it's just so

23:30so hot

23:31it always

23:31sounds fit

23:32she's so

23:33fit

23:33katherine

23:34i just

23:35i think she's

23:35brilliant and

23:36and single

23:37and hasn't had

23:38sex for a year

23:39we're finding out

23:40why

23:41oh god

23:46amy sits with

23:47ian in the

23:48servants quarters

23:48which is

23:49basically a

23:49cupboard or

23:50i don't know

23:50a podcast

23:51studio and

23:52they're having

23:52an award

23:53nominated chat

23:54go on

23:55try them

23:56says amy

23:57with that

23:57ian picks up

23:58his first ever

23:59knife and fork

24:00a dream come

24:02true

24:02and down at

24:04the farm

24:04betty

24:05ian's favourite

24:06cow got the

24:07night off

24:08but the

24:10night off

24:11makes it

24:11sound like

24:11the blissful

24:12relief from

24:13me

24:13it's ambiguous

24:14thank you

24:15fair enough

24:16amy i don't

24:17know if it

24:17is ambiguous

24:18it really

24:18feels like

24:19ian is

24:20engaging in

24:21bestiality with

24:22the cows

24:23they're having

24:23a hug and a

24:24kiss

24:24for sure

24:25if there's

24:27something wrong

24:27with that

24:28then

24:29i don't want

24:30to live in a

24:30world where

24:31there's something

24:31wrong with that

24:32i think the

24:32standout

24:33character

24:34of

24:35mucky ring

24:36yeah

24:37was amy

24:39amy's fit

24:40amy's luminescent

24:41she's single

24:42we know that

24:43um i would

24:44maybe have liked

24:45to see a

24:46protagonist

24:47who wasn't

24:48engaging in

24:49illegal behavior

24:50with animals

24:51i liked learning

24:53about the t

24:54apostrophe

24:54yorkshire

24:55thing

24:56thank you

24:57didn't know

24:57about that

24:57and uh

24:58i just thought

24:58it was a

24:59really beautifully

24:59written story

25:00but i'm not

25:00in the story

25:01ian how did

25:02you feel about

25:03this erotic

25:05fiction which is

25:06inspired by

25:07you

25:07yeah i guess

25:09like when you

25:10said you weren't

25:11over the moon

25:11with um

25:12there being

25:13bestiality in it

25:14i feel like i

25:17yeah i haven't

25:18come across

25:18fantastically there

25:19it kind of feels

25:20exciting to me

25:22like kind of

25:22schoolyard games

25:24like maybe you

25:26do fancy ian

25:26because you've had

25:27to create an

25:27entire narrative

25:28oh my god

25:29where he abuses

25:30animals just so

25:31that he believes

25:32you don't actually

25:32fancy him

25:33and that's that's

25:35very like knocking

25:36someone's school

25:37books out of their

25:38hands in kindergarten

25:39it's big time

25:40nagging to say

25:41someone fucks a

25:41cat

25:42ian what's your

25:47story called

25:47my story is called

25:49come for the pies

25:51stay for amy gladill

25:53c-u-m

25:54come for the pie

25:55i love that

25:56oh it's nice isn't

25:57it when you're nice

25:58to people

25:59come for the pies

26:01and at one point

26:03see if you can spot

26:04it there's a

26:04genuine educational

26:06um short crust

26:07pastry recipe

26:08oh

26:09this is cool

26:12oh you know

26:13what a woman likes

26:14yeah

26:14this is erotic

26:16fiction and like

26:16trad wife

26:17all rolled into

26:19one

26:19i think amy's

26:21does have more

26:22sexual descriptions

26:23um

26:24oh we'll see

26:24okay

26:25cockle for paul

26:27was the home of

26:27handsome yet lonely

26:28lord cockle for

26:29or henry to his

26:31friends of which he

26:32had none as it was

26:33impossible for him to

26:34have platonic

26:34relationships due to

26:35his raw sex appeal

26:36oh wow

26:37hang on ian what is

26:38his name

26:39lord cockle for

26:40cockle for

26:42for

26:42in my accent

26:44cockle for

26:45yes

26:45his vast estate

26:46and i'm now talking

26:47about his penis

26:48wow

26:48was known all around

26:50the yorkshire area

26:51as was his vast

26:52estate

26:52and i'm now talking

26:53about

26:54his housing grounds

26:56as the windy

26:59mums drew closer

27:00anticipation grew

27:01for the elusive

27:01lord cockle for

27:02for

27:02annual

27:03fuck fest

27:03well

27:04his banquets

27:05were food made

27:06entirely from

27:06aphrodisiacs

27:07would descend into

27:09orgies that one

27:09year lasted a

27:10whole fortnight

27:11but there was a

27:12huge problem

27:13due to a series of

27:14incidents there was

27:15a national shortage

27:15of every single

27:17aphrodisiacal food

27:19oh no

27:19there were no

27:20artichokes due to

27:21a horrifying blight

27:22asparagus spears

27:24had all been taken

27:24by the british army

27:26to use its actual

27:26weapons

27:27and eating oysters

27:28had been outlawed

27:29after someone thought

27:30they heard one of

27:30them talk

27:31and now that was

27:31being looked into

27:32by the rspca

27:33word was put out

27:37around neighbouring

27:37towns to find a

27:38chef or chefienne

27:39a female chef

27:40i've got you guys

27:42covered i know

27:43that's how

27:43women like to be

27:45addressed

27:45it's actually

27:46chefette

27:47but that's fine

27:47you're learning

27:48ok so a chefette

27:50who could cook

27:51an erotic banquet

27:52that would get

27:52the randy aristocrats

27:53of cocklethorpe

27:54banging for anything

27:55up to two weeks

27:56lord cocklethorpe

27:57was recommended

27:58to hire amy gledill

27:59known to some

28:01as the erotic

28:02pastry witch

28:03wow

28:04a woman famed

28:06for pies

28:07which could turn

28:08even the tamest

28:08of men

28:09into potent lovers

28:09with the stamina

28:11of paula radcliffe

28:12and the penis

28:12of a horse

28:13wow

28:14whoa

28:15hang on

28:16i'm not sure

28:18who paula radcliffe

28:18is

28:19she's a marathon

28:20runner

28:20who once did

28:21a shit

28:22on the side

28:22of a road

28:23what

28:23huh

28:25mid marathon

28:26a british one

28:27yeah

28:27a british shit

28:29yeah

28:29marathon runner

28:30what year

28:31i don't know

28:32like while i was

28:33here

28:34i don't think

28:34she did it

28:35to offend you

28:36yeah

28:38people heard her

28:39say this is

28:40for catherine ryan

28:40damn

28:45gledill was summoned

28:47to cockleforb hall

28:48and told to bring

28:49all her ingredients

28:50for the bangathon

28:50in the kitchen

28:52miss gledill was met

28:53with two helpers

28:54the first was melvin

28:55who had an arched

28:56back that made

28:57quasimodo look like

28:58adrian from yoga

28:59with adrian

29:00and an accent so

29:03northern that most

29:03people could only

29:04make out the word

29:05gravy

29:05the other one was

29:08ian smith and

29:08actually looked

29:09all right

29:09and that's the most

29:11i've complimented

29:11myself

29:12actually looked

29:13all right

29:14lord cockleforb

29:15entered the kitchen

29:15his tight horse

29:16riding trousers

29:17made it possible

29:18to count individual

29:19pubic hairs

29:20he was inexplicably

29:22topless dripping

29:23in sweat and crushing

29:24a grapefruit in each

29:25hand

29:25using the juice to

29:26add texture to his

29:27already immaculate

29:28hair

29:28miss gledill had

29:29never felt such an

29:30attraction to someone

29:31since she saw that

29:32man who wore

29:32three quarter length

29:33pants

29:34what's that mean

29:38i just thought

29:39that's a that's a

29:40fun thing to be

29:41attracted to

29:41i've heard a lot

29:43about you

29:43he purred

29:44it's not all true

29:45lord cockleforb

29:46sorry do amy's

29:47voice

29:47it's not all true

29:49lord cockleforb

29:50said amy flirtatiously

29:52lifting her skirt up

29:54to reveal one of the

29:55finest examples of

29:56an ankle you've ever

29:56seen

29:57oh my god it was

29:58ankle my my

29:59another compliment

30:00i noticed

30:01the northern word

30:02for vagina

30:03yes

30:03yeah yeah yeah

30:04call me henry

30:05he said nervously

30:07by this point amy

30:08had counted over

30:08forty pubic hairs

30:10i hear your pies

30:12are a guarantee of

30:12lust but i find it

30:14hard to believe a

30:14pie could be an

30:15aphrodisiac

30:16they're so working

30:17class

30:17oh but you're

30:19wrong

30:19let me show you

30:22she gestured for

30:23melvin and ian to

30:24leave melvin waddled

30:25out while ian did a

30:26more normal walk

30:27come stand behind

30:31me

30:31cockleforb stood

30:32behind amy his

30:33bulbous cream chinos

30:35greeting her behind

30:36like a pack of

30:36sausages greets a

30:37frying pan

30:38sizzling

30:39oh my god

30:40sizzling

30:41i don't think i

30:42can write sexy

30:43stuff

30:43she placed his

30:45hand in hers

30:46he'd never known

30:47such tenderness

30:48before this was a

30:49man who was used

30:49to banging people

30:50whose names he

30:51couldn't even

30:51remember and using

30:52a candelabra as a

30:53sex toy but what

30:55was this a tingle

30:56not just in his

30:57dingle but in his

30:58mind

30:59oh

30:59it's romantic

31:01a tingle not

31:06just in his

31:07dingle

31:07not just in his

31:08dingle

31:08tingle in his

31:09mind

31:09that's really

31:10lovely

31:11thank you

31:11hand in hand

31:13amy sifted 250

31:14grams of plain

31:15flour into a

31:16mixing bowl

31:17adding 125

31:19here comes the

31:21recipe

31:21i find this

31:23funnier than

31:24more people

31:25125 grams of

31:27diced butter

31:27before rubbing it

31:28with their

31:28combined fingertips

31:29then adding milk

31:30in a dash of

31:31oil

31:31it's a bit like

31:32ghost

31:33i'm with it

31:35yeah she's got

31:35his his hands

31:37like that and

31:37she's guiding his

31:38hands to gently

31:40rub in the

31:41short crust into a

31:43sort of crumb

31:43before adding your

31:44wet mix to make

31:45it a more stable

31:45mixture

31:46and what's the

31:49wet mix

31:50the wet mix is

31:51is milk and

31:52and it's

31:52but i think

31:53a very small

31:54amount of milk

31:55a dash of oil

31:56if you feel like

31:57it needs it

31:57because before

31:58you said come

31:59for the pies

32:00and i was

32:00thinking

32:00come for the

32:02pies

32:02yeah well my

32:03original story

32:04i i edited out

32:05a bit where at

32:05the end they

32:06um he comes

32:08into a pie and

32:08then they bake

32:09it and eat it

32:10um

32:10you know

32:12always go with

32:14your first instinct

32:15i think

32:16wowie

32:17yeah

32:17that's

32:18hardcore

32:19it gets more

32:20sexual

32:21okay

32:21we'll stay

32:22on track

32:22what was

32:23happening to

32:23cocklefob

32:24he'd never

32:24cooked before

32:25that was for

32:26the poor

32:26he'd never

32:27had pie before

32:28that was also

32:28for the poor

32:29and by god

32:30he'd never felt

32:30lust like this

32:31cocklefob had to

32:33move away

32:33what was this

32:34witchcraft

32:35he doesn't feel

32:36he doesn't fall

32:37in love

32:37he hasn't had an

32:38emotion since his

32:39mother died

32:39and no one can

32:40say he has

32:41no one

32:41amy put the

32:42pastry in some

32:43cling film and

32:44placed it in the

32:44fridge for 20

32:45minutes

32:45i know something

32:48we can do in

32:4820 minutes

32:49she suggested

32:50with a wink of

32:51the eye and a

32:52taking off of

32:52all her clothes

32:53oh

32:54i'm afraid i

32:55have to go

32:56said a flustered

32:56cocklefob

32:57those antique

32:58silver dishes

32:59won't fill

32:59themselves with

33:00condoms for

33:00the party

33:01why is he

33:02leaving why

33:02is he running

33:03out so fast

33:03he's panicking

33:04he's only ever

33:05he's only ever

33:06gangbanging

33:07he's in love

33:07yes it's

33:08emotions

33:08he doesn't

33:09want to have

33:09this kind

33:09of sex

33:10oh

33:11he's a gang

33:12banger only

33:13he stumbled

33:16out of the

33:16kitchen

33:17his wang

33:18fit to

33:18burst

33:19oh

33:19amy

33:25sighed and

33:25crushed 100

33:26viagras into

33:27a cheese and

33:27onion pie mix

33:28it wasn't

33:29witchcraft at

33:30all just a

33:31shit ton of

33:31viagra

33:32later that

33:34night as a

33:35guest scoffed

33:35their cheese

33:36and onion

33:36pies and

33:37forced beer

33:37down their

33:38randy gullets

33:38lord cocklefork

33:39watched on

33:40a weird feeling

33:41passing over

33:42him yes he

33:43had an erection

33:44like a meter

33:44ruler made

33:45out of

33:45titanium but

33:47he felt no

33:47desire to get

33:48involved in the

33:48olympic level

33:49swing session

33:49happening on

33:51against and

33:51under his

33:52anti-coke

33:53tables

33:53on against

33:54and under

33:55bodily fluids

33:57were flying

33:57around like

33:58water from a

33:58killer whale splash

33:59at a sea life

34:00centre

34:00but he felt

34:06nothing the

34:07makeshift cagoules

34:08provided to the

34:09guests were

34:10no match for

34:11the waterfall

34:11of jism

34:12flying around

34:13the room he

34:14just stood

34:15there deep

34:15in his

34:15thoughts

34:16deep in

34:17calm

34:18yeah i

34:19appreciate the

34:20use of

34:20jism it's

34:22too often

34:23abbreviated to

34:23just jizz

34:24bring back

34:25jism he

34:26had a sudden

34:27realisation all

34:28that was on his

34:29mind was

34:29amy gleddle the

34:30ruby-haired siren

34:31of pies he

34:33spun to his

34:33left-hand side

34:34knocking over a

34:35massive quill with

34:36his engorged

34:37member he worked

34:38his way down

34:39the kitchen his

34:39knob knocking

34:40into various

34:41parts of the

34:41house like an

34:42over-enthusiastic

34:43dog wagging his

34:44tail so violently

34:44he has to wear a

34:45bandage on it

34:46have you seen

34:48those sad dogs

34:49that um they're

34:51whacking they just

34:51whack their tails

34:52against stuff

34:53oh yes and

34:54they're so they're

34:54too thick to feel

34:55pain they're just

34:57going like ah and

34:59then they have to

35:00get a bandage on

35:01their their tail

35:02where have you

35:03seen such dogs

35:04ian just

35:04occasionally seen a

35:05dog like that

35:06yeah with a

35:07bandage and it's

35:08just hitting stuff

35:09and you're thinking

35:10that's your problem

35:11um and this and

35:16lord cocklethorpe's

35:18dick is doing that

35:19yes it's it's

35:21swinging because

35:21it's had all the

35:22viagra

35:22it's still under

35:24the influence of

35:24viagra yeah so

35:26it's banging into

35:27stuff as he as

35:27he's whenever he

35:28turns yeah it's

35:30going like that

35:30oh god yeah it's

35:32all over the place

35:32there's nothing

35:33worse than sad

35:34with a boner

35:34because you've got

35:35to move your body

35:36to move the

35:37boner you know

35:38what i mean

35:39no so like it's

35:43it's solid it's

35:43out yeah if he a

35:45penis doesn't have

35:46a neck it can't

35:48go it can't go

35:50oh i'm just gonna

35:51look that way

35:52it you have got

35:53to move your

35:54body and so

35:55so it's going

35:57on yeah it's

35:58going all over

35:59the place is the

35:59point he could

36:00just tuck it into

36:01the waistband maybe

36:03of his trousers

36:04not this penis

36:04no

36:05his cock was so

36:08long oh he'd have

36:09needed a proflactic

36:10the length of the

36:12buyer tapestry

36:13what the buyer

36:15tapestry what's that

36:16it's the huge tapestry

36:18that depicts i think

36:19the battle of hastings

36:20are 1066 and it's

36:22long this is very

36:23literary yeah thank

36:25you um in the

36:28kitchen he found

36:29amy washing the

36:30last of the pots

36:30soap suds dripping

36:32off her body like a

36:33reveler at a foam

36:34party it's not the

36:35food i can't stop

36:36thinking about you

36:37ever since we made

36:38or at least did the

36:39pre-prep for that

36:40pastry you're all i

36:43can think about he

36:44said his penis still

36:45hard and long enough

36:46to hang four coats

36:47on or two very

36:49wet towels

36:50you're all i

36:52thought about

36:53do

36:53blushed amy

36:55her face now is

36:57red as her own

36:57hair so weirdly

36:59you couldn't tell

36:59the two apart

37:00so she either

37:01looked like she

37:02had no hair but

37:03a massive head

37:03or a big hairy

37:05head

37:05lord cocklethorpe

37:09cleared everything

37:10from the counter

37:11simply by turning

37:12his body and

37:12using his penis

37:13melvin and ian

37:15ian smith that is

37:16knew it was time

37:17for them to exit

37:18the kitchen again

37:18melvin panicked

37:20and limboed under

37:21cocklethorpe's rigid

37:22rod piece whereas

37:23ian just walked out

37:24like a normal person

37:25a fit one at that

37:28and critically acclaimed

37:29in his field

37:29yeah i've done a bit

37:31for myself yeah nice

37:33now amy was having

37:34her clothes removed

37:35like cling film being

37:36removed from

37:37refrigerated short

37:38crust pastry

37:38and cocklethorpe was

37:41about to be the

37:42cheese and onion

37:42filling

37:43oh wow

37:45it's getting sexy

37:46now he frosted

37:48with such speed

37:49that the heat from

37:50the friction was

37:50enough to fry an

37:51egg that they had

37:51crushed and lay on

37:52top of this was the

37:54first time cocklethorpe

37:55had felt dare i say

37:56it love there were

37:57no oysters no

37:59asparagus he didn't

38:00need excitement of the

38:01revelers above he only

38:02needed amy gledo who

38:04was now wanking him

38:05off in between her

38:06multiple edinburgh

38:06comedy award trophies

38:08the cold perspex and

38:12embossed sponsor logos

38:13bringing him to a

38:14climax so extreme it

38:15registered on the

38:16richter scale and

38:17knocked some tiles off

38:18some poor family's

38:19dog shit roof

38:21what

38:21you can say dog

38:24shit roof

38:24dog shit roof

38:25knocked some towels

38:26off a poor family's

38:27dog shit roof

38:27oh tiles

38:29okay

38:30i'd like you to be

38:31mrs cocklethorpe the

38:32lord whispered as

38:34they lay on the

38:34granite work surface

38:35still sizzling from

38:36the heat of intense

38:37lovemaking i think

38:39i'll keep my own

38:39surname replied amy

38:41but yes and they

38:44embraced on the

38:45kitchen counter

38:46cocklethorpe's penis

38:47pointing directly

38:48upwards like a sundial

38:49or a giant swing ball

38:50set

38:50i think it takes a

38:54while

38:55the viagra

38:56for the viagra to

38:57go

38:57okay

38:57especially there's so

38:58much in there and

38:59then simply ends with

39:01it's a tale as old as

39:02time

39:03wow

39:04beautiful

39:04you liked it amy

39:06i did like there

39:07was a few bits i

39:08wasn't as keen on

39:09like

39:10there is there is a

39:11bit where you said i

39:12was a witch and also

39:13i'm spiking people

39:15with viagra

39:16but i think you're a

39:17witch because they're

39:18like we don't

39:19understand how these

39:20pies are giving us

39:22these hard-ons and

39:23back in the day it

39:24would be witchcraft

39:25i mean you and i would

39:27be described as

39:27witches had we been

39:29alive during the witch

39:30trials

39:31for sure

39:31a witch is just a

39:34disruptive woman and i

39:35like that

39:35yeah an outspoken

39:37woman

39:38you it's it's mad

39:40that those and i'm

39:41not trying to um

39:42devalu this but isn't

39:43it mad that there was

39:44witch trials and

39:46throughout all of them

39:47they never found a

39:47witch and that didn't

39:48at any point deter

39:49them to go oh that

39:51one has that one has

39:52sat on fire again

39:53actually um we

39:54keep it's like the

39:55traitors when they keep

39:56banishing faithful like

39:57no we'll get one

39:58they had to stay

39:59committed to the cause

40:00after that much

40:01investment that many

40:02dead

40:02yeah fireballs

40:03must be a witch

40:05yeah you'd look silly

40:06if you went

40:06yeah guys i don't

40:07think i don't believe

40:08in witches anymore

40:09then you're a witch

40:10yeah i wouldn't

40:11back down

40:12well this was my

40:13problem i think um

40:14with both works is

40:17that there was some

40:18toxicity throughout

40:19amy yours depicted

40:21ian as participating

40:23in bestiality

40:24ian your erotic

40:26fiction depicted amy

40:27as spiking people

40:28with viagra

40:29yes um amy i

40:32loved that your

40:33protagonist was a

40:35farmer i found that

40:36very sexy i liked also

40:38that your story was a

40:40roast i'm not sure if

40:42it ventured into a

40:44distracting level he

40:46was a bit of a red

40:47flag i loved so many

40:49things ian about your

40:51story i like that you

40:53considered your

40:55protagonist jizzing into

40:57the cheese and onion

40:59pie but in the end

41:01the short crust recipe

41:03i think will keep

41:04people coming back i

41:05would have liked to

41:06see you focus a lot

41:08more on the sex it's

41:09erotic fiction um it

41:12made me laugh but

41:14believe it or not it

41:16requires more for women

41:18to feel aroused than

41:19just big dicks again and

41:22again big hard dicks

41:23big dicks causing

41:25property damage you

41:27know big dicks

41:27i can only i just you

41:30know you write what

41:30you know

41:31thank you so much

41:34amy gladill and ian

41:36smith for your

41:37fantastic stories it

41:39was very close i was

41:40very close multiple

41:42times throughout the

41:44readings and now the

41:46climax the winner is

41:49ian smith ian smith come

41:53for the pies stay for amy

41:54gladhill

41:55so you am your book is

41:59the winner for me and

42:00that is because i do

42:01think that a lot of

42:04bakers a lot of cooks a

42:06lot of people who are

42:06alone in the kitchen could

42:08be fingering themselves

42:09yes i agree and and i i just

42:16thought the marriage of

42:17these genres was really

42:18genius and so ian smith is

42:22the winner of my very firm

42:25rock solid titanium handshake

42:27okay thank you that is very

42:31firm would you like to deliver

42:33a winner's speech i would

42:34like to thank bbc good food

42:37for their definitive short

42:39crust pastry recipe and um

42:43for um for erotic fiction to

42:45be brought to the cooking

42:46world i think it's very

42:47important because since

42:50nigella lawson only comes out

42:52at christmas now yeah and i

42:54think we need all year round

42:55food based masturbation

42:58well ian thanks to you i think

43:05we'll be turning all our ovens

43:07up to four thank you to my

43:10guests amy gladhill and ian

43:12smith this has been write me

43:13dirty

43:13so there you have it hearing ian

43:18smith's story successfully

43:20fulfilled my aristocratic and

43:21cheese and onion pie fantasies that

43:24book's going straight to print and

43:26i'll be putting it on my

43:27bookshelf and for those of you at

43:29home if this has inspired you to

43:31write your own erotic story i will

43:33leave you with just the tip

43:35if you're struggling for

43:41inspiration before you get started

43:43why not take a relaxing bath like

43:45lady oxbridge the wetter the bath

43:47the better the writing that's all

43:49for me join me next time when two

43:51more guests will write me dirty

43:53wright me dirty

44:10wright me dirty

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