Write Me Dirty Season 1 Episode 9

Reality Realm US

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Transcript

00:00Hello, I'm Katherine Ryan, and each week, two naughty guests write me a story to a raunchy

00:05theme, and the best story wins.

00:09Coming up this week.

00:12And what's your demographic then?

00:14Cavalry people.

00:15Yeah.

00:16Fucking pick it up.

00:18It might be ITV.

00:20So good.

00:21My first boyfriend went into the Navy and then came out straight, which is obviously the

00:25wrong way.

00:25Yeah, that's the wrong way.

00:27What does Cornelius Street mean to you?

00:29Everything, half the white.

00:30Half the white.

00:31Half the white.

00:33I always feel rather lost when it rains outside, and on this particular Sunday, the rain was

00:44getting so overexcited, I was worried that the water might seep through and flood my basement.

00:50But as I peered out of my library window to see if the weather had calmed, I was taken

00:54back to spot two ordinary plebs exiting a bottomless brunch and kissing, absolutely dripping in

01:01Prosecco and precipitation.

01:03I couldn't think of anything worse.

01:04My power bob and I hate being wet.

01:07However, as I rested a piping hot macchiato into the crevices of my lap, I realized I've

01:12been bone dry for too long.

01:14Maybe being moist on the outside could moisten my insides.

01:18I knew I needed to face my fear of getting soaked in the wettest of all places, a water

01:24park.

01:24What if you stood right by the log flume, just waiting to get sprayed?

01:29What if a lifeguard wore such tight trunks you could spy his, ooh, swimming noodle?

01:34Yum.

01:34What if two lovers collided on a slide and came out as one, bound by nothing but friction burns

01:40and a string bikini?

01:41I must hear this story told in full.

01:44I immediately emailed the local water park and demanded they advertise for some of their

01:48regulars to write me a sopping wet tale.

01:50The water park had no trouble locating two of the slipperiest storytellers to tell me

01:55how this story would go and to write me dirty.

02:02Hello, I'm Katherine Ryan and I've got two guests to write me a dirty story, all with

02:07the hope of winning a pen.

02:10And this week, my two wet writers are Lucy Beaumont and Stephen Bailey.

02:15Hi.

02:16Hi.

02:16I am so excited to have you both.

02:19Because I don't get to see you.

02:21Yeah.

02:21But I've really admired you from afar.

02:23Oh.

02:24And I think you're so funny and kind of probably sick.

02:27Well, you've got a lot.

02:29Number one, Lucy, like twisted.

02:31Mentally, mentally.

02:33Yeah, in the best way, like creative.

02:35Yeah.

02:35Nice, but.

02:36Nice.

02:36But you're going to have a weird story about Stephen.

02:38Do you know, and it is weird.

02:40It is weird.

02:40I bet it is weird.

02:41Yeah.

02:42Even when I was writing it and going, oh, this is weird.

02:44Yeah.

02:45And that's why we love to have you.

02:47Yeah.

02:47But also perhaps infirmed sick.

02:49Do you mind clarifying for any concerned listeners or people watching the podcast why you have

02:56a blanket draped over your legs?

02:57Because I came in leggings from TK Maxx and old trainers and your team decided that wasn't

03:07a good look for you to be around.

03:12Oh, yeah.

03:12Um, so they, they said, we just hide it, just hide it.

03:17That's what they said.

03:18Just hide it.

03:18And I said, what, what, what, what a blanket look weird.

03:21And they were like, it doesn't matter.

03:23Just can't see that.

03:25It's not polished enough.

03:27No.

03:27Um, as I haven't been home for two days.

03:30So no, I know.

03:31I'm glad I employed the sartorial ambassador at the door because this is better.

03:37I wouldn't have liked to see leggings.

03:39But they said it was a podcast.

03:41This is sort of like a TV studio.

03:43I feel exactly like you.

03:45I walk into so many audio things with no makeup on and then I go, oh, lights, people.

03:50Great.

03:51It's filmed.

03:51It's the new world, Lucy.

03:52It's filmed.

03:53It's filmed.

03:54It's all filmed.

03:54It's always going to be out there.

03:56Yeah.

03:58Stephen Bailey, welcome to the show.

03:59Thank you so much for having me.

04:00How do you two know each other?

04:03You're my oldest friend in comedy.

04:05Oh.

04:06Yeah.

04:06That's so nice.

04:08I think we just met at a gig, but now we're neighbours.

04:10Yeah, we live around the corner.

04:11How far?

04:12Could you walk it?

04:13In walking descent.

04:14When you guys go out, do people recognise you from comedy and say, oh, because they do.

04:19What people love more than seeing one comedian in the wild is two together.

04:22It's exponentially more exciting.

04:24And they go, oh.

04:25We nearly got kicked out of a bar because we snuck in our own bottle of tequila and drank it all.

04:29But she blamed me, even though it was you.

04:31They knew who I was.

04:31They didn't know who I was.

04:32I know.

04:33So it's better for you.

04:34Yeah.

04:35To keep your reputation clean.

04:36Yeah.

04:36And they didn't throw us out, did they?

04:38No.

04:38The loose.

04:39Yeah.

04:39We were hiding the bottle so well and then it just sort of, we dropped it in the last

04:42minute because we were shit faced.

04:43And it broke.

04:44No, luckily it didn't break, it landed flat.

04:47It was Patron, it was good stuff.

04:48But Lucy dropped it, but the lady told me off.

04:51I would too.

04:52Imagine.

04:52Imagine the scene.

04:53I was asking for the shot glasses, wasn't I?

04:56With nothing in them.

04:57I was just like, can I just have an empty, another empty one?

05:00It took them ages to tweak, didn't it?

05:01Yeah.

05:02But I think because you're gay, I think that meant they didn't throw you out.

05:05Yeah.

05:06Don't you think?

05:07Because they think that, they expect that of our community.

05:10But also it's a hate crime if they turn against you in any way.

05:13I love bringing that one out.

05:14You've got to use that, just hate crime.

05:15Yeah.

05:15Hate crime.

05:16I'm going to use that on QI next time they don't book me.

05:18Have you guys ever fancied each other in any way?

05:21No, sorry.

05:22Oh my God, I have fancied you.

05:24No, you haven't.

05:25I have.

05:25Don't lie.

05:26What do you fancy about Lucy?

05:27You don't know what's going to happen next and I think that's attractive.

05:30That is sexy.

05:30And she disappears.

05:31She does that thing like when I was in my 20s where boys don't text you back so you want

05:36them more.

05:37Yeah.

05:37Lucy's the same.

05:38She's aloof.

05:39Yeah, she's aloof.

05:40But I've got lost underneath something.

05:42There's a reason.

05:44But no, I am terrible for that.

05:47Does anything give you the ick about Stephen?

05:48Oh no.

05:49No, nothing.

05:50Oh, that's nice.

05:51No, no.

05:52I really like him.

05:53And I like it more that his dad works on the railways.

05:56I tell everyone that.

05:57Do you?

05:58Yeah.

05:58I love that.

05:59Yeah.

05:59Your dad's a very manly man, isn't he?

06:01He's so manly.

06:02The opposite of me.

06:03But is that the kind of guy you go for?

06:05No.

06:05I go for nerds.

06:07Rich is a nerd.

06:08Okay.

06:09He wears lovely jumpers.

06:10He wears a lovely jumper and he's got a lovely smile, but neither of us can do anything.

06:15Thank God we've got Tass Rabbit here now.

06:17Yeah.

06:18I wouldn't know what to do.

06:19Lucy, how did you find the experience of putting Stephen at the centre of a dirty story?

06:24I really enjoyed it.

06:25Yeah.

06:26I feel like, I felt like a really weird Jilly Cooper.

06:31Do you think it was easier because he's a friend or did that, you know, cause some challenge?

06:37It is easier and I tried to write a fantasy that I thought Stephen would like to be in.

06:43Oh, did you?

06:44I put myself.

06:46Yeah.

06:46After many conversations that we've had about your sex life, I thought, yeah, so I think

06:55he's going to be really pleased with it.

06:57Good.

06:57Yeah, Stephen, you're pretty transparent about your exploits and that gives Lucy a lot to work with.

07:03Are you regretting now being in a head-to-head competition that maybe you've given a lot of creative inspo

07:11and like Lucy could just run away with this story?

07:14Well, the other side of that is maybe because I've put out so much, it's hard to add any more to it.

07:20Yes, that's a good way of seeing it.

07:22Because I found it harder writing for Lucy.

07:25You will.

07:25Because Lucy's very clean.

07:27Yeah.

07:28Very clean.

07:29I mean, I opened for Lucy on some of her tour dates.

07:32It's family friendly.

07:33I had to rein myself in.

07:34I had to rein it in.

07:37Did you try night one to go full Stephen Bailey?

07:40No, I think night one I was quite good.

07:41And then I thought, oh, they've really liked me.

07:43So night two I went full Stephen.

07:44That didn't go down as well.

07:46The gasp.

07:47The gasp.

07:48You could take this and go, oh!

07:49Yeah.

07:51It was like, not the good gay gasp like Cher came in.

07:55It was the goddamn, I've went too far.

07:57Yeah.

07:58And what's your demographic then?

08:00Cavalry people.

08:01Yeah.

08:01Do you know, I know one of your super fans.

08:05Oh, do you?

08:06And he really loves you the most, but he loves me the second most.

08:09And he likes when he sits in the front row and you make an example of him.

08:13And you say, everyone remember his face in case he follows me home.

08:16He really loves that kind of banter.

08:18Is that the one you bought a Christmas present for?

08:20Yeah.

08:20I just, I thought, what would a girlfriend get him?

08:23Oh God, Lucy.

08:24I know, I know.

08:25Because he bought me some, well, he didn't, he bought himself some underpants with my face

08:31on them.

08:32Oh, Lucy.

08:33But I thought he was going to give me them, but he wasn't.

08:35Yeah.

08:35So I bought, I bought him like some socks.

08:38Oh, you did.

08:39Yeah.

08:40Yeah.

08:40And do you know what?

08:42It stopped the stalking.

08:44Oh, interesting.

08:45So you put him off.

08:45You came on too strong.

08:47I came on too strong.

08:47He didn't like it.

08:48Because you're not meant to stalk back.

08:50Has anyone thought about doing that?

08:52Because I think that is a way of, that you actually, you come on, like, look, like you

08:55might be interested.

08:57And then they're like, no, no, I just think about you.

09:01It's actually the textbook way that men operate.

09:05Yeah.

09:06Well, I liked him because he was the same height.

09:08And I thought, if he does follow me home, I probably could kill him, knock him out.

09:20Stephen and Lucy, you've both been given the task of writing the dirtiest story featuring

09:25one another.

09:26You were also given a setting, a character, and a prop.

09:30I'll be judging your stories, and the soggy saga must be set at a water park.

09:35And feature a lifeguard, please.

09:37Your raunchy tale must also include a swimming noodle and a floating blaster.

09:43The winner will receive a Write Me Dirty pen and a place of privilege on my Write Me Dirty

09:48bookshelf.

09:50Now, consent is very important in the Write Me Dirty library, so I will leave it to you.

09:54Who would like to read their filthy story first?

10:00Lucy?

10:01Oh.

10:02Ladies first.

10:03Oh, okay.

10:05Okay, Lucy.

10:06You sound so excited.

10:09Lucy, what's the title of your dirty story?

10:13It's Splish Splash Splash, Stephen and his semen.

10:18Wow.

10:21Okay.

10:21I can't wait.

10:22I like it.

10:23Okay.

10:23Or Splish for short.

10:25Splish for short.

10:26People will call it Splish.

10:27She's so funny.

10:28Yeah.

10:28Have you read Splish?

10:29Yeah.

10:29Splish, yeah.

10:30Like the gruffler, but.

10:32Stephen Bailey woke up with a jump on his sun lounger at his chateau.

10:36Oh, do I make that sound common?

10:39In his chateau in the south of France.

10:42Andre, he shouted in his Mancunian twang.

10:46That's a good impression.

10:47I love that.

10:47Andre, the 25-year-old ex-swimwear model, good-looking yet forgettable.

10:53He had a boat in accident and it took off his left testicle.

10:57Oh, no.

10:59Andre grimaced.

11:00He loved pummeling Stephen, but his voice went through him.

11:03My voice went through him.

11:05Oh, no.

11:06I'm sorry.

11:06He loved pummeling Stephen.

11:08Yeah.

11:09But I have to be quiet.

11:10Fueled by his remaining testicle.

11:12Because I'm glad you explained that.

11:13I wondered why a 25-year-old swimwear model would retire so young.

11:17A woman, yes.

11:19Yeah.

11:19Too old to model.

11:20Yeah.

11:20But a 25-year-old boy.

11:21Yeah.

11:22Prime modeling age, but cut short by the boating accident.

11:25Yeah.

11:27Andre, my mobile's ringing, babes.

11:30Fucking pick it up.

11:31It might be ITV.

11:33So good.

11:35That is exactly what I would say.

11:37It might be ITV.

11:38Hang on.

11:39Lucy, what do you mean by that?

11:41That feel, I liked it.

11:43But for those listening who don't know about Stephen's desire.

11:48I was going to say desire.

11:49I saw you stumble on the word de.

11:51Duh.

11:53Desire.

11:54To be Mr. ITV.

11:56Yeah.

11:56Can you give us some backstory on that?

11:58It's Stephen's turn now, isn't it?

12:00And I say to everyone, I go to meetings and I say, well, Stephen Bailey's the most working

12:06class person I know.

12:07His dad built the railways.

12:10And he's not getting enough representation.

12:13But you should be like all over ITV, shouldn't you?

12:16Thank you guys.

12:17He needs a game show, a chat show.

12:19If anything, I'm thinking we should film this for ITV.

12:23ITVB.

12:23Yeah.

12:25Fair.

12:25Andre brought out the phone to Stephen on his, this is weird though, that when I'm writing

12:33it, I thought I might start the therapy again.

12:36Oh.

12:37Andre brought out the phone to Stephen on his turned and tanned back pretending to be a puppy.

12:42Oh.

12:42So he put the phone on his back and crawled out.

12:45No, yeah.

12:46It's a hard thing to find.

12:47The gay community, they do have like a puppy thing.

12:50Yeah.

12:51I've heard about it.

12:51Not all of them, Stephen.

12:52No, thank you.

12:53No, not all.

12:53But I'm saying like puppy exists in a beautiful way.

12:57Totally does.

12:57Within that community.

12:58Did you know that?

12:59Or is it a happy accident?

13:00No, I just, I just saw it in my head, pictured it and wrote it down.

13:04So that's not too weird then.

13:06No, no.

13:07It's real.

13:07Okay.

13:08Stephen slapped his behind and gave him a rich tea biscuit.

13:11Is that it?

13:12That bit's weird.

13:12I do that to my actual boyfriend.

13:14So do you think I'm sort of like invoking?

13:18Me.

13:18You're kind of a medium and less of a fantasy writer right now.

13:22Oh my God.

13:22Yeah.

13:23He answered it.

13:24Fucking hell, it's the Navy.

13:26Stephen had been asked to go and give a lesson in mouth to mouth resuscitation.

13:34Mouth to mouth resuscitation to a group of men who just weren't getting it.

13:39I love you for this.

13:41I know.

13:42Get me my mink.

13:43It's getting chilly here.

13:45Blighty needs me.

13:47Stephen arrived at the Navy water park.

13:50Oh.

13:50Did they have a water park at the Navy?

13:53Did you know?

13:53Maybe.

13:54I would go to that.

13:56Yeah.

13:56No, it's, you can't.

13:57I do find it quite triggering though.

13:58Because you know, my first boyfriend went into the Navy and then came out straight, which is

14:02obviously the wrong way.

14:02Whoa, whoa.

14:02Yeah, that's the wrong way.

14:04Hang on.

14:05Yeah.

14:06Did you have this background information?

14:08No, I don't know if you did.

14:09I think I did.

14:09I think I did, but maybe I did and I just didn't remember.

14:12So you arrived at the Navy water park via helicopter.

14:15So he glided in with his entourage, which was three ex-actresses from Coronation Street.

14:23There you are on to it.

14:24I love this.

14:25And what does Coronation Street mean to you?

14:26Everything.

14:27Half from Ryan.

14:29Three ex-actresses from Coronation Street, who he got out of financial hardship.

14:35Stephen prefers to eat animals, not live with them, but he likes to have something to walk

14:41and leave outside of shops.

14:42So these ladies fill that void.

14:46If he has a bad day, he says, tell me about when you hit Gail Platt and everything is okay

14:52again.

14:55Stephen put on his speedos and looked up and there was that diver he likes, but this time

15:02he was a lifeguard.

15:04I love that.

15:06He likes to give back to his country.

15:08They looked longingly into each other's eyes, transported back to the date they had where

15:14the diver professed his love.

15:17But Stephen felt other men needed him.

15:19And it's important to have just one conquest as a fantasy.

15:23Why did they always have to fall in love with him?

15:25How is this hitting for you as a sexy story on a scale of one to 10?

15:31This is so far 10.

15:32I can't wait to see if I get pummeled by the diver now.

15:35I love that.

15:35I've already been pummeled by Andre, that he walks around on all fours just to please

15:41me.

15:42Lucy's written the life I wanted.

15:44She knows you so well.

15:46Yeah.

15:46But not the life I have.

15:48I don't think this is out of the realm of possibility.

15:51I'm not sure about the Navy water park, but then I don't know anything about the Navy.

15:56Perhaps they do have a water park.

15:57Why wouldn't they?

15:58Exactly.

15:59Stephen got his noodle out.

16:00And it's long, blue and squishy with teeth marks in it.

16:06Yeah.

16:07And he jumped in the pool.

16:09The Navy men jumped in too.

16:12They all instantly fell for Stephen as he swam after them in circles.

16:16Girls allowed us blurting out of the speakers.

16:19Oh, what a lovely detail.

16:21Lovely detail.

16:23Which song?

16:24Something kind of, ooh.

16:26Jumping on my toot-toot.

16:27That one.

16:29As they began, what was it called?

16:31Something kind of, ooh.

16:31Is it called that?

16:32The song?

16:33Yeah.

16:34Oh, God.

16:35Is it really?

16:36It is.

16:37You don't approve.

16:38Yeah.

16:38It's not good, that is it.

16:39We could change to something new.

16:41That's another song.

16:42It sounds like they did have a title and they all forgot it and they were like, what,

16:45wasn't that something kind of, ooh?

16:47So something kind of, ooh, was playing.

16:49Yeah, something kind of, ooh, ooh, was playing.

16:52As they began to get tired, they all slowed down and congregated around Stephen.

16:56Stephen couldn't work out whose erection belonged to who.

17:00That feels like me.

17:02I can never put an erection to a face.

17:05He felt like kebab meat skewered.

17:08Wow.

17:10That's my dream.

17:11Is it?

17:12Wow.

17:13My friend runs a, I've told you about it, haven't I?

17:15I think it's fascinating.

17:16He runs a jerk-off club in Soho and up to 150 men go and it's all dark and just.

17:26Get wanked off.

17:26Wanked off.

17:27Nothing else.

17:28Nothing else happens.

17:29Get wanked off or wank themselves off.

17:30I think it's like in a circle.

17:32Data chained.

17:33And your friend runs this club.

17:34Has he ever discussed like how much revenue?

17:36He well puts the chairs out.

17:37Okay.

17:37Okay boys, I'll lay at the side of the pool and I'll give you the kiss of life.

17:49Whilst the lifeguard looked on at his technique, mesmerised, Stephen placed himself gently next

17:55to the cutest boy, but as he leaned over, a plaster to the man's foot stuck to Stephen's

18:01skin.

18:02It had pus and blood and what looked like a corn.

18:05What looked like a what?

18:06It like a corn, you know, corn.

18:08Oh yeah.

18:09Yeah.

18:10Stephen's a queen, not a nurse.

18:12It made him feel sick.

18:13I can't do this anymore, he said.

18:15Not a nurse.

18:16He left, but asked the Coronation Street ladies to round up all their phone numbers.

18:21The TV Olympian diver slash lifeguard ran after Stephen.

18:27I admire you.

18:28I'm taken aback by your beauty and grace.

18:30I want to smother you.

18:32I want you to be mine.

18:33I know every freckle on your enough, said Stephen.

18:36You can't have my mind and soul.

18:38I've been put here on earth to make men ejaculate on a higher plane.

18:43Wow.

18:45I'm here to open their heart chakras.

18:48And he said, will you open mine?

18:50And he said, no, but I'll clamp your balls.

18:52And he said, let's go.

18:56And so Stephen and the lifeguard, both successful and filthy rich, decided to meet that night and role play.

19:03Wow.

19:04Stephen would take him to realms he'd never been to before.

19:08But right now he wanted a part in Waterloo Road just to remind his old self how far he'd come.

19:13So he asked to meet the diver in a Frankie and Benny's and for them both to be in cheap suits.

19:20They would pretend that they're at a car phone warehouse staff convention and pull each other and go back to the Premier Inn.

19:28On the way back to the room, they got three packets of Nobby nuts from the machine.

19:32Oh, I love Nobby's nuts.

19:33Do you know what flavour?

19:35Well, I'm sorry, I don't.

19:36I'll have dry roasted.

19:37Just the dry roasted.

19:39What other flavours does it do?

19:40They've got like a spicy one.

19:42But I think if we're going to go back and probably not good for my hoop.

19:45So do you think this is going where you think...

19:48I think I'm about to get bummed.

19:50He's going to put them up your bum.

19:52Right.

19:53They're definitely not the spicy ones.

19:54Okay, I'll let you carry on.

19:55Is that something you'd do?

19:57I've not.

19:58No.

19:59But this time...

20:00Would you be able to pop them out if you did?

20:02Yeah, popped other things out, sure.

20:05Yeah.

20:05Because is your...

20:06What?

20:07Finish the question.

20:09Is your sphincter...

20:10Controllable.

20:11Yeah.

20:12Yeah.

20:12I have a remote for it now.

20:13Just control it via this app.

20:17I've lost my place now.

20:20The diver licked the salts off and placed them up Stephen's bum,

20:24pretending it was just like their first time.

20:27Stephen shot them out across the room.

20:30They laughed and began to make love.

20:32Stephen stopped at the point of climax and reached for his briefcase.

20:37He clamped the diver's balls so that he got them out of the briefcase

20:41and slapped his bum...

20:43with a little mini paddle.

20:45But then a fire alarm went off, so they evacuated the building.

20:49But who should be outside?

20:51Or the Navy men?

20:53It was a hoax to get them to come out of the room.

20:56Stephen and the diver joined the boys down the local harvester.

21:00They all had a rump steak and some rosé wine.

21:02Oh, thank you.

21:04No, I've not finished yet.

21:05Half cut and full belly, Stephen walked them all in a line back to the hotel

21:09and then things really began to get going.

21:12You've heard of a bonnie blue?

21:13Well, this was a bobby ball.

21:15And sadly, we can't share what that entails.

21:19No.

21:19But Cannon and Ball were a famous comedy double act

21:22and one of them has sadly passed away,

21:25but no one is sure which one.

21:27The end.

21:29Wow.

21:30It was so...

21:30Oh my God.

21:32...full of twists and turns.

21:35It was wet and wild.

21:36Wet and wild, yeah.

21:37Stephen, what are your immediate reactions to the story?

21:40I think it's, you know, I thought it was all great.

21:43I come across really well.

21:45Lucy gave me the hopes and fantasies I've always dreamed of.

21:50I'm unsure about having nuts thrown up my arsehole

21:55and I don't know why Bob Cannon and Ball came into it,

21:59but apart from that, I thought it was an exceptional story.

22:02And thank you for letting me live my dream in your story.

22:06It had a lot of Stephen in it.

22:08Did you feel that?

22:09It was a real, real language of love

22:13and attention to detail about Stephen.

22:15You had ITV in there as Love of Coronation Street.

22:18I like that they're two rich and famous lovers,

22:21but they decide to role play as working class

22:25at the Frankie and Benny's Waterloo Road reference.

22:27And I really love a Frankie and Benny's.

22:29Yeah, who doesn't?

22:30I always get like the nachos.

22:32And then it had some Lucy Beaumont all over it too, you know?

22:35There was some really interesting, unique,

22:39twists and turns.

22:40Twists and turns, yeah.

22:41And I loved that.

22:42That's what we expect from you.

22:44Yeah.

22:44I was confused at times.

22:46Yeah.

22:47Like the line of erections and...

22:50Erections.

22:50But Stephen followed it.

22:52You followed it.

22:52Yeah, I just felt like I was having a great time the whole way through.

22:55A lot of sexy Navy boys.

22:56Yeah.

22:57I loved it.

22:57But I'm not used to group sex.

22:59So I think I just got confused in that way.

23:02Well, it is, isn't it?

23:03Yeah.

23:03And that's why I don't have group sex.

23:05Because I'd be like, what?

23:06What?

23:06Most I've done is three, including me.

23:08Three?

23:09Yeah.

23:09Like three.

23:10So three, yeah.

23:11Three including you.

23:12Jonas and Ludwig.

23:13It was in Norway.

23:14It was amazing.

23:14Whoa.

23:15I've heard about this.

23:16I was really impressed.

23:17Yeah, thank you.

23:18I haven't.

23:19So you pulled two hunks.

23:21Really?

23:22And you couldn't choose between.

23:23No.

23:24And it was perfect because it was like, like I say, Jonas and Ludwig.

23:27It was like the Norwegian dream.

23:30Yeah.

23:31I tell you, though, they all have six packs.

23:33Getting a British belly out in front of these people was not good for my confidence.

23:36You know what, though?

23:37It's different for them.

23:38Maybe they hadn't seen one.

23:40Yeah.

23:40Different is good.

23:41Different is interesting.

23:41I think that's what happened to me because they're all absolutely like, they're all like

23:45six foot gorgeous cum gutters.

23:47I think they thought I was exotic.

23:49Yeah.

23:49And I am.

23:50What's a cum gutter?

23:52It's a swimmer's V, some people might call it.

23:55Oh.

23:55You know, like those things.

23:57Like the swimmer's V.

23:59It's where the jizzy, it's where it runs.

24:01Like a gutter.

24:02Yeah.

24:05Oh.

24:06Thank God we're doing a Right We Dirty podcast.

24:07I could not say this on How to Fail with Elizabeth Day.

24:09No, no.

24:11Stephen.

24:14Yes.

24:15What is the name of your piece?

24:18The name of my piece is Lucy Beaumont's Five Star Fanny.

24:23Wow.

24:25That is a tour show.

24:27Wow.

24:28Imagine alienating all the Harvester people with a show title like that.

24:32That'd be amazing.

24:33Yeah.

24:34Sort them out, wouldn't they?

24:35Now, what do I do?

24:36Just read it?

24:37I think I'd like you to just launch in.

24:39For those of us that already know TV's Lucy Beaumont, we know that she claims Hull is famous for Zumba classes that you can smoke in.

24:47Yeah.

24:48For years she's been telling the nation this story, but she's realised she's been missing out on a gold mine.

24:54The real money is in Zumba, baby.

24:57Lucy might have a BAFTA, but she wants cold, hard cash as spending money in Oliver Bonas.

25:02I do like it.

25:03It's just colourful, isn't it?

25:05Like white women with new money do, has left her a bit short.

25:09After re-watching Benidorm on Netflix, Lucy's decided to spend the summer in Torremolinos to make some of that summer money, honey.

25:17And she has managed to get a job at the local walk to park called You're In For Some Fun.

25:23Like urine.

25:24Urine.

25:25Oh, that's good, Stephen.

25:26Stephen, I'm, not to stop you there, I am noticing there's a bit of hostility coming from you about Lucy's fame, her wealth, her success.

25:36Yeah, I want it.

25:38Yeah.

25:38I want a BAFTA. I want a goddamn BAFTA.

25:40I didn't get a BAFTA, Stephen.

25:42You didn't?

25:43No, I was just nominated.

25:44Well, I've not even had a nomination. I've not even had an invite. I've not even been asked the K to the BAFTAs.

25:49I like it because it's a bit catty off the top.

25:51Yeah.

25:52Yeah, yeah.

25:52It's not meant to be, but I love that you've read into it this way.

25:54I know it feels like this about me, it's okay.

25:56Anyway, she managed to get a job at the local water park you're in for some fun.

25:59After saying they can also use her face to promote the log flume.

26:04Ooh.

26:05Lucy Beaumont is now head of Aqua Zumba.

26:08Ooh.

26:09Yeah.

26:10I could see this.

26:11I know, I could.

26:12Her plan was simple. She's going to get the grannies and the gays fit during their time at the water park.

26:17They will spin right down the big one, the slide, into her class.

26:22She'll use the gays for the pink pound and to take her out in the evenings and the grannies, she will just have to befriend one.

26:29She will get in the wheel and that is her life sorted.

26:31All the Oliver bonus she wants.

26:34Nice.

26:34Lovely.

26:34Lovely. I've been calling it Oliver Bonass. I don't go in anymore.

26:39I like the mention of pink pound.

26:41Yeah.

26:41Because it sounds a bit sexual, but it means like queer money.

26:45Exactly that.

26:46Her plan was great, but typical Lucy, she got distracted on day one over the all-you-can-eat staff breakfast buffet.

26:52Do you like a breakfast buffet?

26:54Yeah, I do. Yeah.

26:55Which is actually leftovers from the guests' all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet that they couldn't, in fact, not eat all of.

27:03She reached for the same thick, juicy pork sausage as Enrique Pedro Valentino Shakira Perez.

27:10Wow.

27:11Enters the chat.

27:13You're in for some fun's lifeguard.

27:16You're going to have a great day.

27:17Oh my God.

27:17Okay.

27:18For such a big, for such a big water part, Lucy wondered why there was only one lifeguard.

27:25After meeting Enrique and seeing his arms, she now knew they only needed one.

27:31Oh, he's big enough for everyone.

27:32That's right.

27:33Hello, Lucy said.

27:38I'm surprised that sausage wouldn't drag him right down to the bottom, you know.

27:42That's true.

27:42Hola, Enrico Pedro, et cetera, said.

27:45Et cetera.

27:46Lucy looks confused and says, no, me name's Lucy.

27:51Now Enrique looks confused.

27:53Lucy flirtatiously says, you know the big log, you know the big log out there that all the

28:01lads love.

28:02They ride it and leave my face all wet.

28:07Have you been on a log flume, Lucy?

28:09No, I've never been on a log flume.

28:11Have you ever had a wet face?

28:12Have you ever had a wet face?

28:17You do have beautiful skin.

28:19Oh, well, I've had a wet face.

28:21Yeah.

28:21Do you mean?

28:22No, I just mean you wash it.

28:23Lesbian things.

28:24No.

28:27No, I've never done that.

28:28I think straight men can also wet your face, in my experience.

28:31Oh, like, yeah, not a long time ago.

28:36It doesn't tend to go that far anymore.

28:40No.

28:41When it doesn't, when men of a sort of sad age don't seem to.

28:44They don't get the distance.

28:45No.

28:46If they were maybe with a younger pet, they probably were.

28:48Yeah.

28:49It was a 20-year-old thing, I think.

28:51Yeah.

28:51Do you?

28:52Yeah, they're only capable of that young, and then it just starts to come out like a piece

28:55of spaghetti.

28:55Yeah.

28:56Just.

28:57Oh, dust.

28:59Dust.

28:59Him and dust it in the eye.

29:01Dribble.

29:01Dribble in.

29:02Enrique tries to insist that Lucy took the big sausage from him, but Lucy had changed

29:07her mind.

29:07She now had her sights set firmly on a different sort of sausage.

29:11She was now after a bit of Spanish chorizo.

29:14So, Lucy made a decision.

29:17Doesn't agree with me though.

29:18Does it not?

29:18I can't have it, no.

29:19Oh, for God.

29:20You know, I don't mean actual chorizo though.

29:23I mean Enrique.

29:23I can't have any processed meat.

29:26What about Enrique's Spanish dick?

29:29Is it?

29:30It's processed.

29:31Is it in plastic packaging?

29:33No, it's organic.

29:34Okay, it's fine.

29:36Lucy makes a decision.

29:37She's going to have a summer like she did in 2009 for Big Beth's 21st.

29:4121st.

29:41Is this a reference to a real 21st?

29:44No.

29:45Okay.

29:45I don't have friends called Bev.

29:49What about Big Bev?

29:51Yeah.

29:51I would be friends with a Big Bev.

29:52Yeah.

29:53You'd have fun with a Big Bev.

29:55Do you want to be my friend?

29:55What's your name?

29:56Big Bev.

29:56I did do a shot in the dark there thinking if anyone was going to know a Big Bev, it would

30:00be Lucy Beaumont.

30:01Now it's Operation Enrique, meet my picante, which I thought we could use as vagina.

30:09Vagina.

30:09Yeah.

30:10She just needs to figure out how.

30:13Lucy goes to teach her first aqua zumba.

30:15All the ladies and gays are in the pool ready to be taught by a BAFTA.

30:19Nominated.

30:20I did write winner, but we'll go with nominee.

30:22But it's my fantasy.

30:23You won that BAFTA.

30:24Oh, thanks.

30:25You deserve to win it.

30:26Thanks.

30:26I didn't.

30:27There was better people.

30:27Well, maybe this is in the future and you have one, but okay.

30:31There's a BAFTA in your life.

30:32Your appearance on this podcast.

30:34Yeah.

30:35At the podcast BAFTAs.

30:36I can't.

30:37That will happen.

30:38Because of the accident.

30:42Agadu comes on and Lucy gets all the zombies to start marching.

30:47She catches Enrique What's-His-Called's eye, who is watching her class, or in Lucy's mind,

30:53her ass.

30:54Oh.

30:55Oh, God.

30:56Lucy knows she has to up her game.

30:58She throws a load of swimming noodles into the pool.

31:01The gays barge the old ladies out of the way to get to the noodles with the most girth.

31:06You know the gays.

31:07Lucy gets the zombies to use them as a skipping rope.

31:11Proper zumba technique.

31:12Oh.

31:12She looks over at Enrique, who has been distracted by another girl.

31:17Then one of the gays uses a super noodle to jokingly simulate anal for one of the other,

31:21other gays.

31:22Lucy shouts, blonde gay, stop making the swimming noodle bum ya.

31:27Then she realises that gay is onto something.

31:31Oh.

31:31She starts essentially blowing the noodle for Enrique's benefit.

31:35It's all very sexy.

31:37And the class start copying her.

31:38There are six OAPs and four gays copying her.

31:40One gay isn't.

31:41It's Channel 5, Stephen Bailey and Lucy's best friend.

31:45Hello, Stephen.

31:46Come to see ya.

31:47Aw.

31:47Isn't that nice?

31:48That's nice.

31:48Yeah, thank you.

31:49I'm impressed that you could suck off a pool noodle.

31:52I am.

31:53You could.

31:54It's quite big.

31:55But they're squishy.

31:57Right.

31:58You can get it in your mouth.

31:59Please.

32:00Stephen.

32:00You know I can.

32:03Stephen gets out of the water.

32:05Slow motion washes his hair back.

32:07A dirty used plaster floats past that has come off one of the class's oldest regulars,

32:13Dorothy's Veruca.

32:14Oh, no.

32:15In this fantasy, Stephen has a six-packed ad of straight hair.

32:19He has those swimmer's Vs.

32:20We call them cum gutters.

32:22Yep.

32:22It's like he's an Aldi Zac Efron.

32:25Oh, lovely.

32:26Putting a bit of my fantasy in your fantasy.

32:28Stephen grabs Lucy.

32:30Stop blowing the goddamn super noodle.

32:33You've got Dorothy deep-throating hers now.

32:35God, she could pass out.

32:37Because you're the teacher, so they're emulating all the moves.

32:39Of course, yeah.

32:40Lucy shouts to Dorothy.

32:42Dot, no.

32:42Oh, Jesus Christ, Dorothy.

32:45Lucy is thrilled and shocked to see Stephen.

32:48She's a dirty bitch, isn't she?

32:49What are you doing here?

32:51I thought I'd support me bestie's latest scheme.

32:54Yeah, yeah.

32:55Stephen said.

32:56Dorothy is still blowing her noodle.

32:58Oh, God.

32:59I know.

33:00Stephen catches a glimpse of Enrique.

33:03Oh, you're trying to fuck the hot lifeguard.

33:07That's so basic.

33:08Do it, he says.

33:10Stephen, I'm going to have a new life in the sun.

33:14Stephen is in and encourages Lucy.

33:15They decide it's time to go fully in.

33:18Lucy catches Dorothy still sucking on the swimming noodle, and she's even tickling imaginary balls.

33:24Wow.

33:25The gays have left, and another Zumba attendee, Margaret, asks if they are carrying on or not.

33:30Lucy picks up the noodle and shouts, get blowing, Maggie.

33:32Lucy goes for the noodle and decides to show Enrique how much she can take.

33:38Enrique is captivated, and that's when Lucy decides to go all in.

33:42She starts choking and falls to the pool, dropping the noodle and pretends to drown.

33:48Oh, no.

33:50I'm drowning.

33:52Margaret goes to help her.

33:55Lucy screams, fuck off, Margaret.

33:57But Enrique runs to save Lucy.

33:59It all happens in slow motion.

34:01His incredible pecs bounce up and down.

34:03He's carrying his orange lifeguard float thing that Lucy, whilst fake drowning, sees as incredibly phallic.

34:10Stephen is stood with a speaker, playing the Baywatch theme as he loves a cliche.

34:16Enrique carries Lucy out of the pool, lifting her over his sexy shoulders and places her on the side.

34:21He starts to give a CPR.

34:23Lucy sticks a tongue in, and Enrique is thrilled.

34:26Oh, my God.

34:27Dirty bitch.

34:29Enrique decides to take a ride on the Lucy log flume.

34:33In public, by the side of the pool with all the OAPs around and Stephen.

34:37This is my fantasy.

34:38He doesn't even care that all the older Zumba ladies are watching.

34:43He's had this fantasy as well, which are aligned.

34:46Oh, my God.

34:47They make love, or as they call it in Hull, have a good shag.

34:52Enrique goes deeper than any noodle ever has.

34:54And Lucy is thrilled.

34:56And Dorothy's fallen plaster floats past once more.

35:00Both Enrique and Lucy get fired and are sent home on a Ryanair flight.

35:05Turns out Enrique isn't even Spanish.

35:08He's called Stan and he fixes radiators.

35:11This doesn't even bother Lucy.

35:13It makes her want him more as she wants to get her bathroom done.

35:16They penetrate on the Ryanair flight home.

35:20That's hot.

35:23Oh, good, Stephen.

35:27Stephen.

35:28Bloody hell.

35:29A lot went on there.

35:29Lucy, how do you feel about this fan fiction?

35:31Well, I've been used, definitely, but I didn't seem to mind it.

35:36It's hard to find tradesmen, isn't it?

35:38So, in front of the grannies is a bit, but were they all right about it?

35:43They were fine about it.

35:44They just thought it was more Zumba.

35:46But you were fired.

35:47I know.

35:48You lost your dream job.

35:49Yeah, that's happened a lot to me.

35:52But overall, I think I really enjoyed it.

35:56And I think Stephen's really got to the heart of how I tick.

36:01Do you have any fantasies about having sex in public?

36:04No, but I am going to now.

36:06Have you been penetrated on a flight?

36:09No.

36:10A lot was going on for me, Stephen.

36:11I like that both of you are interested in lifeguards.

36:15I worry about Lucy losing the job.

36:18And I also worry about Enrique masquerading as someone else.

36:22Because I think that is identity fraud, especially when it comes to having sexual intercourse.

36:27Yeah.

36:27And my only other negative note, Stephen, because I loved it.

36:31Thank you so much.

36:32Was when you said they penetrate on the plane.

36:35Did I say penetrate?

36:36You know, I want to get, like, fucked.

36:41But I wouldn't expect someone to be like, let's penetrate.

36:44It's a bit clinical for me with everything else that was going on.

36:47And the chorizo and the pecs and then penetrate just felt a lot like a smear.

36:53I take that feedback on board.

36:55But sometimes, you know, when you're on a Ryanair flight, there's not much place to manoeuvre.

36:59So it would probably have to be a bit clinical for it to work.

37:01Put your hand here, leg up here, you know.

37:04Penetrate.

37:05Yeah.

37:05And then penetrate me.

37:07Okay.

37:07With your Spanish chorizo.

37:08But now I know she can't take processed meats.

37:11So the whole story's fucked.

37:13Yeah.

37:13But I can be penetrated.

37:16I went for a smear, you know.

37:18And I pretended that it was, I went, oh, like that.

37:21But I didn't feel anything.

37:23Oh, I know.

37:23But I had to pretend.

37:25I didn't feel something.

37:26I went, oh.

37:27Just for the benefit of the nurse.

37:29Ow.

37:30But she could have gone a lot bigger than the specter.

37:34I would give her that note next time.

37:36Should I?

37:37You can go bigger.

37:37You could have gone bigger.

37:38Yeah.

37:38The biggest speculum you've got next time, please.

37:43Lucy Beaumont, Stephen Bailey.

37:45I'm going to choose a winner.

37:46And I loved both stories.

37:47So it's going to be tough, rough, like sex with Enrique.

37:52What's his name?

37:54Lucy, I loved so much about your story.

37:57I thought it was really creative, just like you.

38:01There were so many twists and turns.

38:02I got lost along the way.

38:04Yeah.

38:04I'm not sure if it's a criticism that I got lost, because maybe that's just my issue with

38:09group sex.

38:10I struggled to keep track of the erections, and there were many of them in your story.

38:14In their walls, yes.

38:14Is there a water park at a Navy?

38:16I'm not concerned about that.

38:17I think there should be water parks at Navy's.

38:19Stephen, I loved your story.

38:22I really appreciate that you took some of Lucy's stand-up, but the Zumba classes and her accent,

38:28and you used it in such a cute way, really bringing in a lot of Lucy's work.

38:34And then Lucy went on an adventure, didn't she?

38:37And you placed yourself right in her story, and it was nice to see you in both stories.

38:41And I could picture you going to a resort populated by gays and elderly women.

38:47That's really your sweet spots.

38:49My energy.

38:49But just by a sliver, I am going to go with Lucy Beaumont's story.

38:53Lucy, you are the winner today.

38:55Oh, thank you.

38:56Thanks.

38:59Do you have any words that you'd like to share to celebrate your win?

39:03I'd like to thank the surgeon that operated on my legs.

39:08You know, the emergency that I had.

39:11And, you know, I've been looking forward to the physio.

39:14And then probably the documentary that will come after that.

39:19And then maybe children in need.

39:22Do you think that might be on the cards?

39:25It's not very small.

39:27Yeah.

39:28I'd like to thank you for booking me.

39:33I haven't had a lot of work recently, but it is picking up now.

39:36I'd like to thank Stephen for his friendship over the years.

39:40But I'd like to thank you for your friendship.

39:44Do you think that the airing of these fantasies will change your friendship at all?

39:48I mean, I enjoyed mine.

39:50Yeah.

39:50And I enjoyed a Girls Aloud reference.

39:53So I thank you.

39:54If anything, I feel like it's made us closer.

39:56I think it's brought us closer.

39:57I think it's what we needed.

39:58Good.

39:59Yeah.

39:59Thank you to my guests, Stephen Bailey and Lucy Beaumont.

40:07Well, hearing Lucy Beaumont's story successfully fulfilled my very wet water park fantasies.

40:13So after Lucy Beaumont left with her official Write Me Dirty pen, the book immediately went

40:18to print so I could place it on my bookshelf.

40:20And for those at home, if this has inspired you to write your own dirty story, I'll leave

40:26you with the big tip.

40:31Give your characters purpose and depth, just like how Lucy had the physiological depth to

40:37thoughtfully deep throat a swimming noodle.

40:39That's all from me.

40:40Until next time, when two more guests will write me dirty.

40:56Write Me Dirty.

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