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#RealityRealmUS
Reality Realm US
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Short filmTranscript
00:00This programme contains very strong language, adult humour and adult themes.
00:16Fucking stare to that. Honestly.
00:18You sent him in a perfectly good passport for us.
00:20Isn't it your back looking halfway between Pablo Escobar and a local paedophile?
00:23I think you look cute. I'll tell you what. I was ten years younger.
00:26Sorry, no offence, Elizabeth, but we A, we have done good authority that you do in fact have a cursed vagina.
00:33Bewitched. It's wise.
00:34And B, I think it's entirely inappropriate for you to be flirting with me because I am to be your future manager.
00:43Oh, dear God.
00:45After the financial bloody clusterfuck you made of the rat and cut, you know you're going to buy this, are you?
00:50Not buy it, Vincent. Lease it.
00:52And no, I haven't made a fucking clusterfuck of it. I've turned the rat and cutter around.
00:55Now I've got my sights set on this place.
00:58And you're doing what you always do. Fucking bull at a shagging gate.
01:02Just do one thing at a time, man.
01:04It's exactly not the advice of every great entrepreneur.
01:07And I should know. I watch a lot of Dragons' Den.
01:08Yep. Well, get that fucking jukebox fixed then. And get some bar snacks.
01:13Why is he always here?
01:13When I was young, his bloke used to come round with a basket of fish.
01:17And we all used to say to him, have you got crabs?
01:20You know, for a laugh.
01:23What, the good old days, was it?
01:25They had you in here enough times.
01:27Well, I say in here, you were in the van in the car park with a packet of prawn cocktail, Chris.
01:32Yeah, I know.
01:32Seeing as I drove you home on more than one occasion.
01:35How are you going to afford this when all your money's wrapped up in the rat and cuttle?
01:39Well, therein lies a very cunning plan.
01:41One which involves me going for four days to Dusseldorf to meet Veronica, my son's mother, and her...
01:47Drumroll, please.
01:49Her very wealthy parents!
01:52Oh!
01:53Yeah.
01:53Why would Hans' German grandparents buy a fucking run-down pub in Hawley?
01:58I've asked Hans, and it turns out his grandad is an angel investor.
02:01So all I've got to do is turn on me natural pizzazz and a few well-placed lies, and ka-ching!
02:07Liz Jones and her cursed fanny are my new employees.
02:10Why is it cursed?
02:11Please, can we not talk about my mother's fanny?
02:14It's dangerous.
02:15It's killed several men, hasn't it, though?
02:16Listen, only eight men have died.
02:19The other 53 are roaming around quite happy, thank you.
02:22That number's gone up.
02:23Yeah, well, it will.
02:24Here, here.
02:25Ain't him ever died mid-pump?
02:27Just the one.
02:28What's it like, Dusseldorf?
02:30Hotbedded, filthy debauchery, I've no doubt.
02:34Oh, it's beautiful, it's beautiful, yeah.
02:35Famed for its iconic Rhine Tower.
02:37Although I do have, you know, a few contacts over there in the debauchement industry,
02:42and I will be frequenting those for a few days prior to toddling off and meeting the parents.
02:46Anyway, love to chat, must fly, and, as they say in Germany,
02:52Hasta la vista, cunts.
02:55Is Dusseldorf not in Spain?
02:57Of 99 Luftballons.
03:01We're on Weg zum Hobbitzon.
03:03Of 99 Luftballons.
03:05Oh, hello, Mr. Schaffner.
03:30Speaking.
03:30There is a visitor here in reception wishing to see you.
03:33A visitor?
03:34Who is that?
03:35He says his name is Bernard Law Montgomery.
03:37The best things in life are free, but you can give them to the birds and bees are...
03:46What in the name of Jesus H fuck are you doing here?
03:53Hey, I've got your hotel details from Vinny.
03:55Bought myself a cheap flight over.
03:57Come fly!
03:59Absolutely fucking shite, Irline.
04:01Why would you do that?
04:03Why would you make such a strange and fucking incorrect decision, you manky old pube?
04:09We all nearly died that day, Tom, on that coach.
04:12You hadn't even fucking on it.
04:13I was fucking on the tractor, getting fucking dragged to the untimely end.
04:19Yeah, well, not that untimely, eh, Jim.
04:21Right, come on, off you fuck.
04:23Allé.
04:23And I made a vow that day that all the things I've been putting off had to get done.
04:28Right.
04:28Fucking carpe diem.
04:30Fucking bucket list.
04:31Right, and what, you've always dreamed of visiting Dusseldorf.
04:34Have you?
04:35Is that right?
04:35That's the pronunciation.
04:36Dusseldorf.
04:39Bukkake.
04:40Bukk?
04:41I'm so sorry about this.
04:42No, sorry.
04:43Fuck.
04:44You said Bukkake?
04:45Yeah, yeah.
04:45Well, he's famous for it over here, isn't he?
04:47All the underground whatnots and that.
04:49And you know all the fucking right places.
04:52Right.
04:52Okay, I can't believe it's happening to me.
04:56Right, how do I put it?
04:57Jim, fuck off, you monkey old scrotum.
05:01Get on the next fucking overcrowded, shitty flight back home.
05:04There we go, avanti, bonjour.
05:06Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on.
05:07Some people want to fucking skydive or fucking go to the Great Barrier Reef.
05:13This is my Taj Mahal, Tomo.
05:16My Great Wall of China.
05:21Good luck, dear.
05:22Fine.
05:26I'll just ask around, then.
05:35Fuck!
05:36Fucking hell!
05:37Fine, Jim.
05:39I do know people and do know a place.
05:41But listen to me.
05:42Right, mark my words.
05:42Are you marking me?
05:43Are you marking me?
05:44Heed me, Jim.
05:45Right, when you have shot your mucky little wad, that's us done.
05:49Right, you're finished.
05:50We are not...
05:51I repeat, we are not on a mini-break together.
05:54We absolutely don't.
05:55No, we are.
05:56Fuck you, Jim.
05:57You've got crisps in your beef, love.
06:09For fuck's sake, no.
06:10Fuck you.
06:11Yeah.
06:12Thomas.
06:13Mela.
06:14Meine Kleine.
06:15Frau Leiner.
06:16This is my friend James.
06:17I say friend, I mean, he's more of a rancid old farmer whom only acquaintances with because
06:22we grow weed under his land.
06:23Hi.
06:24Charmed to meet you.
06:25Hi.
06:26Okay.
06:27So I understand you are here for the bukkake?
06:29That's right.
06:30Okay.
06:31We do classic bukkake here.
06:33Oh.
06:34Three men, one woman.
06:36Okay.
06:37And...
06:39What if I want you to be on my knees?
06:42Oh.
06:43Hmm.
06:44This is extra.
06:45Do you have cash?
06:46Oh.
06:47Yeah.
06:48I've got a few bubby.
06:49I say.
06:50You know.
06:54Guten Abend.
06:55And we'll be joined by Anton and Dieter.
06:58Don't be intimidated.
06:59They're extremely large, but just follow their lead.
07:02Congratulations.
07:03Yeah.
07:04Yeah, right.
07:06So.
07:07Off we go.
07:08Good luck and don't be too gross, eh?
07:14Hmm.
07:15Oops.
07:16I meant fucking help.
07:18Ah.
07:19Guten Outfit.
07:20Ah.
07:21Sehr gut.
07:22Dad.
07:23Are you in Düsseldorf?
07:24Hands, son.
07:25I am indeed, yes.
07:26I'm currently soaking up the cultural highlights of this fine city.
07:27Fucking hell.
07:28Sorry, love.
07:29I've just seen a cathedral.
07:30Do you want to meet at Grandma and Grandpapa's house or before?
07:31And Mummy can't wait to see you.
07:32In I?
07:33Oh, yes.
07:34She says it will be strange after all the years, but also...
07:35Oh, wunderbar.
07:36They're doing dinner at 6pm.
07:37All right.
07:38Well, listen, I've got a few things to clear up here first, but ping me over the address.
07:46I've got a higher car, so I suppose I can, uh...
07:47Toodle-o!
07:48Oh, shit!
07:49Hands, love.
07:50I'll see you at 6.
07:51All right.
07:52Fucking hell, Tim.
07:53Tim!
07:54The fuck have you done you?
07:55Hey, nothing.
07:56higher car so I suppose I can toodle oh shit Hans love I'll see you at six all
08:04right fucking hell Jim Jim the fuck have you done you ain't nothing I said I said
08:10don't be too gross did I not say that I wasn't I mean we were just getting to it
08:15and I know I've got a bit of an intense jack-off face oh she just started crying
08:19and fled I'm fucking on the deck me lah sweetheart love baby angel hey you're
08:28all right in there I'm sorry no no don't you be sorry he is a man she come with a
08:33horrible jerk off face just come out here and we can talk about it I'm sorry if it
08:41was baby the last thing I want no no it wasn't you you're a gentleman it it's me
08:48I shouldn't have come to work tonight I'm I'm just so worried what's happened my
08:55brother Otto he's in the hospital he had a heart attack that's terrible not ideal I
09:02have his phone and he keeps getting these messages from someone named Bozeman right
09:10so that's all in German isn't it so he says we want the gear when and where don't
09:16ignore me fucking call me or I'll find you as face that's first right that's a rare
09:24insult that in terms so what's what's uh what's got himself involved in envelopes
09:31why well Otto runs the local post office and since the legalization of cannabis people come here to
09:43smoke to party from the UK France and many of them get the idea to post drugs back home so they
09:50Google local post office Otto's the first hit so they wander in and ask how much first letter back
09:56to the UK so he tells them the price of a stamp how to know is they're posting weed mushrooms then
10:03he throws them into a special red delivery back which he then brings home with him because who's gonna
10:09make a complaint all my drugs never made at home in clever perfect crime but then he didn't know
10:15what to do with them all hence Bozeman maybe tens of thousands people pay 40 50 euros for mushrooms
10:25even more for the strong ones but I can't get involved I don't want trouble with the police ah
10:31well congratulations Mila because we deal with this sort of thing all the fucking time for a small
10:36remuneration I uh cut to the profits we could get some of the contents of these envelopes to uh
10:43Mr. Bozeman air Bozeman if you will her deutsche very good uh and you know make the transaction
10:49you would do that for me Mila of course me casser a su casser you can have the money I don't need it 50 50
10:57eh let's say that 80 20 60 40 okay I accept 60. Well done thank you so much to me. If you meet them
11:08you might need someone who speaks German do you know anyone Mila would you believe it and not just the man
11:27it's just uh our little secret yes it is exciting oh yeah like a movie the illegal drop in a discreet location oh yes well listen that's how your father rolls it it's wall to wall adventure
11:45intrigue and oh yes except we're meeting him round the back of a large garden furniture warehouse all right on that note avante let's go
11:54it's a quick in a night stick to the plan and we'll be sitting steins on the Rhine bob's your fucking uncle
12:05let's go
12:21right
12:22jim you stay here with the gear me and hans will go and negotiate
12:26i don't like this they've got nasty eyes
12:30they're probably gonna kill us and dump our bodies in the seine
12:32the seine is in france
12:34you're missing the fucking point
12:36i am this close to achieving a lifelong ambition
12:39and now i'm gonna get shot in the face on some misguided envelope based
12:44fucking scum jim love how to put this gently um shut the fuck up you stupid old cunt
12:59ah mr boseman wo is otto tell him that uh we are colleagues and we have what he needs
13:07we are otto's colleagues or legan otto is beschäftigt but we have what he needs
13:11yeah
13:12has otto sent santa claus i think they mean jim and his two elves that's us to do his deal for him
13:32okay and then they did a bunch of follow-up stuff which is german humor and won't be funny to you
13:37okay i see
13:38was wollen diese zwerge now they're asking how much you want for the gear yes 20.000 euro
13:4420.000 euro
13:4820.000 euro
13:50der weihnachtsmann hat wohl den ganzen whisky zu früh
13:52they say that santa must be drunk on all the whisky if we want 20k
13:56wir machen euch ein deal wenn ihr unsere weihnachtssocken füllt gibt's 4.000 euro für euch
14:01and they will give us 4k if we agree to fill their christmas stockings jesus christ some
14:06fucking gentle humor this isn't it i have to tell them 15 grand and that's my final offer 15 000
14:13rude right right 10 10 grand and that's as low as i'll go
14:1710.000 they say five remind those cunts who won the war no no jim we're not going down that route
14:23thank you very much all right nine nine grand nine grand and that is it that is as low as i'll go
14:27oh my god strike jim down nine this is best angebot eight
14:34fine don't fucking great now let's get the dough so we can get on with the book
14:39tell them that we want to see the cash before the drugs get handed over
14:42we want to ask the kohle scene bitte kohle sie sicher aber vorher will ich ein bild mit dem
14:47weihnachtsmann they want a photograph with santa claus you are you for real yes they want to send
14:54it to a friend crikey all right right go on hey hey having a great beard does not make me santa
15:01call my god rath buten had a great beard fucking fidel castro had a great beard glittin that
15:05fucking self for yukon he's wearing disposable gloves only killers wear disposable gloves oh maybe
15:12he's got a germ phobia go get the selfie love there we go gosh now yeah they're good yeah super cool
15:20we had sense for dying come come he says now one with all of us what's going on
15:24oh we talking okay
15:43hey no no
15:54You fucking hire car!
15:58No!
16:00Fuck!
16:02No!
16:05My best shirt was in that suitcase.
16:08And me tingly body rub.
16:09And me corn plasters.
16:10You honestly gonna go for that old fucking weird smorgasbord?
16:13I've nicked off with that fucking luggage,
16:15a passports,
16:15and my fucking hire car that I didn't get insured.
16:19You didn't take the insurance?
16:20No.
16:21Would you like to take the insurance?
16:23Yeah.
16:23Four days in Dusseldorf was the worst that could happen.
16:27Would you like to take the insurance?
16:29Would you like to take the insurance?
16:30Fuck!
16:31Fuck!
16:31We lost a car,
16:33but we gained a jacket.
16:36Stop it.
16:37What do you think?
16:37I've not got time for whimsy now, love.
16:39Oh.
16:40What's this?
16:41What was it?
16:42What is it?
16:43What is it?
16:43Broward Schumann, 10.30?
16:45That's a beer hall.
16:47That's a fucking meet-up.
16:48That's a fucking meet-up.
16:48He's going there tonight.
16:49Unless it was last night and he's just still in his pocket.
16:52I swear to God, man.
16:54But, Dad,
16:55we have to go to Grandma and Grandpapa's.
16:57Ah.
16:57In fact,
16:58we need to be there in 22 minutes.
17:01Okay.
17:01Okay.
17:01Here's what we're going to do.
17:02We're going to go to the relatives,
17:03have a bit of din-dins.
17:04Lovely.
17:05Then,
17:05early to bed,
17:06and we sneak out,
17:07and go and retrieve what's rightfully ours.
17:08Brilliant.
17:09Call an Uber.
17:10Hang on a minute.
17:11What about me getting what I came for?
17:13Jim,
17:14read the fucking room.
17:15Events have moved on.
17:16So you're just going to go off to dinner
17:18and leave me here
17:19in the middle of fucking nowhere.
17:23You can come with us.
17:24As you say in England,
17:26the more of the people,
17:27the merrier the situation.
17:29Nice one.
17:29Yeah.
17:30Yeah.
17:30Yeah.
17:30It's Mummy.
17:44This is a huge moment.
17:46My mother and my father reunited
17:47after so many years.
17:49All right, all right.
17:50I'm coming.
17:51Words which ironically led to your creation.
17:54Mummy.
17:55And that's what I said when I came.
17:58Hans.
17:58It's Daddy.
17:59Thomas.
18:01Well, yes.
18:02It's been a very long time.
18:03Yes.
18:04Hello again.
18:05Hello, Veronica.
18:07Looking well.
18:08Very, uh, Germanic.
18:10With your hair like that
18:11and the royal neck and all that, you know.
18:12And you look very English.
18:17I think.
18:18Who is this?
18:19This is Jim, a friend of Dad's.
18:21Good to meet you.
18:22I've heard a lot about you.
18:23Well, the 16-year-old you.
18:25The one that liked Cowgirl on school trip.
18:27Jim!
18:28Sorry about that.
18:31Veronica.
18:31Hans.
18:32Papa!
18:33Hi, hello.
18:34Kinder.
18:37So good to see you.
18:39Oh!
18:41I drank first, eh?
18:43Papa!
18:45I'll be like the circus.
18:47Mein lieber.
18:48Opa!
18:49Opa!
18:50Yeah?
18:50Das ist mein Vater, Thomas.
18:52Vater?
18:53Und sein Freund, Jim.
18:54Freund.
18:55Did you not bring any luggage?
18:56We had it stolen.
18:58I hope you have insurance.
19:00Ha!
19:00Fifty quid?
19:05Fuck that.
19:08What's the worst that could happen?
19:09Ah!
19:10God!
19:11Never mind.
19:12I'll lend you some of my briefs.
19:14Let's go.
19:15Come.
19:15There's our briefs.
19:18Yes.
19:21Thomas, come, hurry up, schnell.
19:24This is our sauna, and I built it with my own hands.
19:28Just as Gitte is preparing us the most amazing feast,
19:32and there's nothing more enticing for the appetite than a cold plunge.
19:37Oh.
19:38Oh.
19:39The secret is, it's complete submerging all the way to your neck,
19:43and you hold it for two minutes and not a second less.
19:46Two, two minutes, two full minutes.
19:48Right.
19:50Now follow me.
19:54Oh!
19:56Yeah.
19:57Now you, come.
19:58Oh, okay.
19:59You know.
20:00Here it goes.
20:02What a thing, eh?
20:03So, test the water as it...
20:05Whoa!
20:05Hi!
20:06Oh, fuck me!
20:07Yes, now, that is...
20:08That's very, very cold, actually.
20:09Don't allow yourself to think about it.
20:11Yes, now, I have thoughts about it,
20:12and the brain is very much saying,
20:14no, thank you, so I'm just going to go after a neck.
20:16All right, count him in.
20:18Fun.
20:19Ten.
20:20Four.
20:21Three.
20:21Three.
20:22Zwei.
20:24Eins.
20:24I mentioned that I do have a heart defect,
20:27and so I'm a bit concerned this might bring about a cardiac arrest.
20:29He ain't got...
20:30Oh!
20:33Ha!
20:33Ha!
20:34Ha!
20:34Ha!
20:35Ha!
20:35Ha!
20:36Ha!
20:36Ha!
20:37Hey, reminds me of the Merchant Navy.
20:38What the fuck?
20:39Except definitely we're all naked.
20:41I'm fucking crazy!
20:42Ha!
20:43Hey, I'm just going to get some wine, fucking Jay.
20:46All right.
20:47Oh, and get me some tampons, will you?
20:49I told you, use a moon cup.
20:52Hey, just get the tampons.
20:54You get them.
20:55I'm not buying shitty, single-use plastic.
21:00Weirdo.
21:12Here's my love.
21:15Oh, it's my waiter, eh?
21:17I'll put that in your drink.
21:18Don't sweat the technique.
21:23Alex, fucking go!
21:24Go!
21:24Fucking joking!
21:30Fuck's sake, Faye!
21:31You were meant to go in for a bottle of wine.
21:33Yeah, well, an opportunity arose.
21:34Did you hit him, then?
21:35Only gently.
21:36Fuck me!
21:37I thought we were leaving all this small-time shit behind.
21:40I'm wearing my fucking tampons, eh?
21:42That guy in there, who's probably just doing his fucking job, minimum wage,
21:45probably get into all kinds of trouble now.
21:47It's not right, Ali.
21:48You're asking me to compromise my moral standpoint on these things.
21:51My moral fucking standpoint!
21:52As if you didn't just fucking smash a guy in the face for a couple of quid.
21:56I fucking told you to use a moon cup!
21:58Oh, fuck off!
22:01Thank you, Sean.
22:02Thank you, Sean.
22:03So, Ernst, or perhaps now that we're related, I could venture to call you Papa.
22:15Keep it, Ernst.
22:16OK.
22:17As you wish.
22:18Listen, about earlier, the whole ice plunge situation, I think we got off the wrong foot,
22:22didn't we?
22:23Because, you see, the whole great outdoors, it's not really my natural environnement.
22:26You know, I'm more of a night-time economy guy.
22:29You know, pubs, clubs, bars, where people can go and find fun and friendship.
22:34Everyone to their own.
22:35Mm.
22:36And, you know, as it happens, I do have a small portfolio of venues in the UK,
22:41but I'm ever looking to expand.
22:44I see.
22:47Hans helped me financially to set up my flagship venue, The Rat and Cutter,
22:52and now I've got my little eye on another local bar, very up-and-coming,
22:57and I was wondering if you might want to chat investment opportunities.
23:05You got my daughter pregnant?
23:08No, let me ask you a question.
23:10Why do you think Veronica never told you that you're Hans' father?
23:14Because we met when we were very young and on a school exchange,
23:19so it's one of them, isn't it?
23:21She went through hell.
23:23She was 16 years old with a newborn child.
23:26Couldn't go out with her friends.
23:29Couldn't go on holidays.
23:32She had to postpone college.
23:34And why?
23:36Because some English boy was the cheap to buy prophylactics.
23:40A fucking condom.
23:43Well, it wasn't the expense as such.
23:47She didn't tell you because she thought you are a bad pet.
23:53She thought your life will be chaotic and failing.
24:00And even though she was physically attracted to you at that age,
24:06she was smart enough even then to realize she was the kind of guy that can be relied upon.
24:16Well, how wrong was she, eh?
24:19Was she?
24:21I think of myself as a good judge of character.
24:25It comes with my line of work.
24:27And I think Veronica, my daughter, she's two.
24:31All right.
24:33Ernst, answer this for me.
24:35I've always wanted to know.
24:37What?
24:38What's with the fucking umlaut?
24:42Huh?
24:43Oh, my God.
24:44This is funny.
24:45Look, there's something I didn't tell you about my uncle.
25:01You thought you'd wait till you got to the door, did you?
25:03No, it's not a big deal.
25:05It's just it doesn't look like you'd expect.
25:07All right.
25:08Now, what do you mean?
25:17There is plenty of space.
25:19Where?
25:20The bathroom is just outside.
25:22And, er, I will bring you some towers.
25:26Thank you for all the joy and pain.
25:31What the fuck are you doing, Agent?
25:32You can't stay at the night as soon as we've got that gear.
25:34You're fucking off to your hotel.
25:36What hotel?
25:39What do you mean what hotel?
25:40Well, I didn't book one.
25:41I just thought I saw it once I got here.
25:43Who the fuck does that?
25:44I thought you might have a spare bed in your room.
25:46Why?
25:47Why would I have?
25:48There you go.
25:50Speak if you need anything.
25:52We are only upstairs.
25:56Don't explain.
25:58I want that fucking book, Akitamo.
26:00And I'm not going home until it's not your actions.
26:04Oh, not the actions of a reasonable man.
26:06What a mess.
26:08Dark and shame.
26:14It's like Morecambe and Wise, isn't it?
26:16Two grown men.
26:17Shared in a room.
26:19Separate beds.
26:20Simpler time, you see.
26:22They said he'd give us a signal when they went to bed.
26:23Where is he?
26:24Don't want to let anything of it back then.
26:26Is this the same halcyon age when Jim Davidson were doing Chalky White and Benny Hill were chasing scantily clad women round the grounds of stately homes?
26:32Oh, come on.
26:34That's right.
26:35Sully it with your woke agenda.
26:37Oh, fuck me.
26:38Everyone's fucking offended nowadays.
26:41It's because you can't say anything.
26:43Oh, my God.
26:44When we were kids, you got given a nickname, you just got on with it.
26:48When I was young, people used to call me Pid Shit Jimmy, because I lived on a farm.
26:53I didn't do many animals, yeah?
26:55Huh?
26:56I'm not so sure about that, love.
27:00Why is that..
27:02It's not so rare.
27:04Ein…
27:05Und aus.
27:07Ein…
27:08Und aus.
27:09FِING
27:10Ein…
27:11Und aus.
27:13Ein…
27:15Und aus…
27:18And out.
27:23Always in the rhythm.
27:38Jim, get your fucking shoes on and get me out, Tim.
27:48Oh, hello. Someone's been on the Jägerbombs.
27:58Keep your eyes peeled, Jim. You remember what it looks like?
28:02Hey, fucking memory of a fox, man.
28:05Foxes have good memories.
28:06Well, if they haven't, why would they have said it?
28:10Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
28:13to the most famous Drink-Walk competition in Düsseldorf.
28:18Oh, hello. Yes.
28:20Be sure to sign up on the stage.
28:23Prost!
28:24Prost!
28:25What's going on here?
28:27What's going on, Paul?
28:29It's a Drink-Walk competition.
28:31Speaking English.
28:33No.
28:34But you don't speak fucking English.
28:37He's a rude man.
28:38Oh, yeah, he's fucking awful.
28:39Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:40Well sponsored.
28:41Sorry.
28:42What the fuck is going on here?
28:43It is a famous Drink-Walk competition.
28:45Everyone has put in five Euro,
28:46and the winner gets to keep the pot of money.
28:48But the cash prize?
28:50Fuck it, I'm getting involved.
28:52No, no, no, no, no, no, Tim, Tim, no!
28:54I can't get away.
28:55No, I saw.
28:56You took Grand-Dad's car.
28:57Yeah, I noticed, does it?
28:58No, he went to bed, but he won't be happy if he finds out.
29:04A Drink-Walk competition. How fantastic.
29:10No, so you took granddad's car. Yeah, I noticed I said no he went to bed, but he won't be happy if he finds out a
29:19Drink slash walk competition how fantastic
29:36There's the man out
29:40Yeah
30:10Yes
30:16Yes
30:22Oh
30:24Oh
30:26Oh
30:32Oh
30:34Oh
30:36Jesus Christ
30:38Oh
30:40Oh
30:42Oh
30:44Oh
30:46Oh
30:48Oh
30:50Oh
30:52Oh
30:54Oh
30:56Oh
30:58Oh
31:00Oh
31:02Oh
31:04Oh
31:06Oh
31:08Oh
31:12Oh
31:14Oh
31:16Oh
31:18Oh
31:20Oh
31:22Oh
31:24Oh
31:26Oh
31:28Oh
31:30Oh
31:32Oh
31:34Oh
31:36Oh
31:38Oh
31:40Oh
31:42Oh
31:44Oh
31:46Oh
31:48Oh
31:50Oh
31:52Oh
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31:58Oh
32:00Oh
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32:04Oh
32:06Oh
32:08Oh
32:10Oh
32:14Oh
32:16Oh
32:18Oh
32:20Oh
32:21Oh
32:22Oh, he's alive. Thank God.
32:24Oh
32:26Oh
32:28Oh
32:30Oh
32:32Oh
32:34Oh
32:36Oh
32:38Oh
32:40Oh
32:42Oh
32:44Oh
32:46Oh
32:48Oh
32:50Oh
32:52Oh
32:54Oh
32:56Oh
32:58Oh
33:08Oh
33:10Oh
33:12Right, here is the plan.
33:15We're going to bell Boseman up off Lado's phone.
33:17Boseman's going to pick up the phone because he thinks one of his guys is calling.
33:20Then we're going to say to him, or rather you're going to say to him because you speak German.
33:23You're not getting your lad back until we get, A, our passport, B, our luggage, and C, the fucking gear that he stole from us.
33:32I can't do that.
33:34No, no, darling.
33:36If we don't get our passports back, we can't go on.
33:38And as much as you might be the nation who invented socks and sandals, you do not deserve a crusty old racist farmer.
33:43Fine, give me the telephone.
33:46But I wanted to it my way, with politeness.
33:49Good for you.
33:50Good lad.
33:51Nice.
33:52Politeness? Are you fucking sure he's your kid?
33:54Says the man with a super smart lesbian daughter.
33:56Lesbian?
33:58As in?
34:00He's a fucking lesbian.
34:01Then she sleeps with women. What do you think of?
34:03Oh my God, did you not know that?
34:04You're saying at my alley, he's a fucking donut bumper.
34:07Jim, honestly, as much as it might be difficult for you to get your head round the fact that you have spawned a homosexual,
34:12maybe she'd be grateful, you know, because she's a lovely young woman, isn't she?
34:15This is her fucking mother, this. I told her not to introduce her to fucking hockey.
34:19All them young girls, short skirts, big wooden fucking sticks.
34:23I worry about your world view. I really do, Jim.
34:26Hey, look, there's a place here half a mile away. Look, it says catering for all erotic desires.
34:31Jesus Christ, Jim, if you mention Bukakia one more fucking time!
34:35You fucking promised you'd help me.
34:37No, no, no, no, no. Factually inaccurate, that.
34:39What I seem to recall happening is you following me to a foreign nation like a fucking sex-dementor.
34:45What there is there, love? He said, you can keep him.
34:50What?
34:51The man in the back, he said, I don't care, keep him.
34:58Fucking hell!
35:01Fucking hell!
35:02Fuck you, Germany!
35:03I love you in the hallway
35:07Oh, I fucking leery up.
35:09Fill your boots!
35:10Actually, you don't fill your boots. I wish I'd not said that. It's a horrible image.
35:16Grandad isn't going to be very happy about the car.
35:18That's a fucking understatement.
35:20Well, to be honest, love, I reckon your grandad's opinion of me wasn't that high to begin with.
35:25What makes you say that?
35:26Hmm?
35:27Oh.
35:28Hmm.
35:29Code to hunch.
35:30And your mum, fuck, you know, she was a bit, er, cool, frosty, ice-cold, you know?
35:37Mum is the sort of person who keeps her emotions inside herself.
35:41Hmm.
35:42She would have been nervous about seeing you again, I think.
35:44Hmm.
35:45I suppose I'm just a stranger to her, aren't I?
35:48I'm just, er, someone she had a youthful fling with many moons ago.
35:52Nothing more, nothing less.
35:54Sorry, let's read that.
35:55Is it just me?
35:56Or it seemed very much like those two men over there,
35:58are heading this way with rather large sledge emmers.
36:04They are definitely coming in this direction.
36:07Hmm.
36:10I mean, no one else are here.
36:12No one's followed us, so they can't be here for...
36:16Buzz.
36:17Release Lucas.
36:18How the fuck, they're not easier.
36:19Release him now.
36:20Dad, this is scary.
36:21No, no, no, no, sweet.
36:22They're trying to frighten us, aren't they?
36:23I'll handle this.
36:24Guten Abend.
36:25Guten Abend.
36:26Guten Abend.
36:27Yeah, yeah.
36:28Den Sledgehammer.
36:29Den Vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
36:30Den Vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
36:31Den Vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
36:32Den Vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
36:33Den Vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
36:34Just speak English.
36:35Your German is worse than a three-year-old.
36:36Listen, right, I've told Boseman, we'll release him when we get our passports and the gear you stole.
36:41Now!
36:42Or we fuck up your car more.
36:43It's not my car, it's my son's granddad, so...
36:44Your son's granddad, so...
36:45Not your father, but your wife's father.
36:46No, she's not my wife, actually, either.
36:47In fact, I barely even know her.
36:48We had a brief sexual encounter two decades ago.
36:50And you didn't use protection.
36:51Okay, no.
36:52How did you find us?
36:53Find my phone app.
36:54Of course.
36:55Of course.
36:56Everyone has this.
36:57Right, no, listen, listen, right, we had a fair deal.
36:58Hmm?
36:59And Boseman shafted us right at the asshole.
37:00And this dickhead in the back, he's written off my hire car.
37:02Didn't take the insurance?
37:03No!
37:04No!
37:05No!
37:06No!
37:07No!
37:08No!
37:09No!
37:10No!
37:11No!
37:12No!
37:13No!
37:14No!
37:15No!
37:16No!
37:17No!
37:18No!
37:19No!
37:20No!
37:21No!
37:22No!
37:23No!
37:24No!
37:25I did not!
37:26Look, I am going to count to three, and then you release Lucas.
37:30Don't you fucking like, love?
37:31We're not giving him back until we get what's rightfully ours.
37:34Ain'ts?
37:35We have to let him go.
37:36They're bluffing.
37:37Spy.
37:38I don't think they're bluffing.
37:39Of course they're bluffing.
37:40In front of the car, aren't they?
37:41Good run them over.
37:42I'll run them over.
37:43Don't run them over.
37:44Drive.
37:45See?
37:46What'd I say?
37:47Bluffing.
37:48Ah!
37:49Ah!
37:50Ah!
37:51Ah!
37:52Ah!
37:53Stop the car, drive away!
37:55Excuse me, fucking crazy!
37:57They're gonna kill us!
37:59Don't do that! Do not do that!
38:01Fuck off!
38:03Fucking hell!
38:05You fucking hate me!
38:07He's opening the doors!
38:09No, he's not!
38:11He's coming!
38:13Open the fucking car door!
38:15We slash your granddaddy's tire!
38:17No!
38:19No!
38:21No!
38:23No!
38:25Does he know?
38:27Step away from the fucking vehicle!
38:29Yeah! Fucking hell!
38:31Hold on the door!
38:33Come on, Jim!
38:41What if they follow us?
38:43Oh, throw the phone out the window!
38:45Or I could turn off, find my phone!
38:47Yeah, yeah, no, I'll do that!
38:49Thank you for saving us!
38:51Excuse the deed!
38:53No, he fucking isn't!
38:55What are you gonna do with him in the bath?
38:57We can't take him back to my grandparents' house!
38:59Explaining the car is going to be bad enough
39:01without a hostage in the booth!
39:03He's not a hostage! He's free to go at any time!
39:07Uncle Jay took a sign to you,
39:09told me in the kitchen.
39:11You said you were a keeper!
39:13Yeah, I bet he did!
39:14Fuck off!
39:16And you said you'd get us some work?
39:18Yeah, what kind of work?
39:22I don't know, like...
39:24I don't know, but we can trust him.
39:26It'll be good.
39:28Now then, admit it.
39:30How sexy did you find me robbing that shop?
39:36Come on!
39:38I did.
39:39Did not.
39:40You did.
39:41Did not.
39:42You loved it.
39:50Baby!
39:51Liz says you're up here, is that right?
39:53Davey?
39:54Davey?
39:55Davey, love.
39:56I've told her the name's Alfred Barnard!
39:59Oh, fuck it!
40:00Oh, fuck it!
40:01Jesus fucking Christ!
40:02Of course you stood right there!
40:03Bloody terrifying!
40:04Stop!
40:05Stop being Alfred Barnard!
40:06For a minute!
40:07I know it's you!
40:08Hey!
40:09Liz has told me that you've demanded to move in here a little bit!
40:10Demanded!
40:11Demanded!
40:12Why are you still doing the voice?
40:13Listen!
40:14She's told me that you're like a crazy woman in an attic!
40:16Are you listening?
40:17The only time she ever sees you is when you want sustenance!
40:19And to the best of her knowledge, you've been in this fucking room for three bloody
40:22weeks!
40:23Is that true?
40:24She likes to talk, don't she, Miss Jones!
40:25Yeah, but listen, I'm worried about you, Davey!
40:26I've stayed in the crow's nest before!
40:27It fucking sucks!
40:28Did you know that that television console has only got three of you?
40:30Right.
40:31I've spent my day on the show, I've spent my day on the show!
40:33I've just got to go here a little bit!
40:34I've got to go here a little bit!
40:35I've got to go here a little bit!
40:36Demanded!
40:37Why are you still doing the voice?
40:38Listen!
40:39She told me that you're like a crazy woman in an attic!
40:41Are you listening?
40:42The only time she ever sees you is when you want sustenance!
40:44And to the best of her knowledge, you've been in this fucking room for three
40:47bloody weeks!
40:48Is that true?
40:49I know that that television console has only got free view!
40:52Right.
40:53I've spent my days watching reruns of A Place in the Sun!
40:56Ooh!
40:57One couple wanted to sell their house in Burnley and relocate to Fuerteventura!
41:02Imagine idiocy!
41:04What's going on?
41:05What the fuck's happened?
41:07Somebody made it abundantly clear that they wanted me dead!
41:14I can smell your balls from it!
41:19I'm sorry dude!
41:20You haven't been showering!
41:21I had a flannel wash this morning!
41:23Thank you very much!
41:24Come on!
41:25We're going for a drive!
41:26You can tell me what's going on!
41:33Donna had scurried off back to Liverpool with a tail between her legs!
41:37And I was feeling very proud of myself!
41:39In the can!
41:40Dead!
41:41Dead!
41:42Me in Manalido's mansion!
41:44Ruling the roost!
41:45I was the king of the fucking world!
41:48And then, one night, I woke up and I could feel something wet in the bed alongside me!
41:57And I was thinking, what on earth can that be?
42:00I'm alone in bed!
42:02What could be wet down there?
42:04Ugh!
42:05Oh fucking hell, what was it?
42:06You've seen The Godfather, I assume, with the horse's head?
42:09Yeah!
42:10You're joking!
42:11Wasn't a fuck!
42:12Was it that?
42:13Ugh!
42:14Ugh!
42:15Worse!
42:16Ugh!
42:17Gordana!
42:18No!
42:19No one give a shit about that!
42:21No!
42:22It was!
42:23Ugh!
42:24Ugh!
42:25Ugh!
42:26Ugh!
42:27Oh!
42:28Oh!
42:29Oh!
42:30Oh!
42:31Fuck me!
42:32The exotic zoo!
42:33Yes, correct, Vincent!
42:34Shit!
42:35There was a note telling me that if I didn't leave that evening, then it would be my head
42:40in my mother's bed!
42:41Shit!
42:42Shit indeed, sweetheart!
42:44I'm not ashamed to say it, it shook me!
42:47Do you know who it was?
42:49It was that cross-dressing cunt, Kittens!
42:52Oh!
42:53Revenge!
42:54For McCann!
42:55Why did I get McCann killed?
42:58Hmm?
42:59For you!
43:00To help you!
43:01And now, look!
43:02Comes back to haunt me!
43:04Well, I mean, it suited you down to the fucking ground, innit?
43:07I know!
43:08Didn't be in dead!
43:09What?
43:10What's that?
43:11That's Demi Shrewsos!
43:12Who the fuck's that?
43:13Demi Shrewsos!
43:14Who the fuck's that?
43:15Demi Shrewsos!
43:16It's my mother's favourite!
43:17Who the fuck did you tell were you?
43:18I haven't told anyone we're up here, you fucking nutcase!
43:19No!
43:20No, Jesus!
43:21What's wrong with you?
43:22This is how it ends!
43:23On a cold, lonely road!
43:24With you!
43:25About my side!
43:26Oh, quick!
43:27We'd better run!
43:28He's a man on his way on!
43:29He's just a random dickhead!
43:30Vincent!
43:31Vincent!
43:32Vincent!
43:33Vincent!
43:34Vincent!
43:35Vincent!
43:36Vincent!
43:37Vincent!
43:38Vincent!
43:39Vincent!
43:41Vincent!
43:42Vincent!
43:43Vincent!
43:44Vincent!
43:45Vincent!
43:46Vincent!
43:47Vincent!
43:48Hans!
43:49Get inside!
43:50And you in!
43:51Where have you been?
43:53Ah, that is a very long story.
43:58And you in
44:04Where have you been?
44:07That is a
44:09Very long story leading my boy astray
44:13What are you doing here Tomo? Why did you come here?
44:19Sometimes where she had never found you you should have left the past in the past
44:24You'd like that one yeah
44:26Pretend I don't exist
44:31That's all right love yeah, your dad let the cat out of the bag why you didn't want to let me know that I had a son
44:38Yeah, yeah, what did he say?
44:43He said them
44:50It's not like when you mean when when you grow up like I grew up
44:56Shit parents bounce around from care on to care on people have a certain way of looking at you
45:01they don't have
45:03high hopes yeah, and
45:08You know you've got to school and careers and all that and they do same thing and then it you've got best
45:13Condescending pat on the back, but so you basically you are fucking nothing you're nothing and you're always gonna be nothing
45:19Right and so you have to just sort of either
45:21fall in line with that thinking or like fight fight back, you know
45:28fight to
45:30prove yourself
45:32Sick heads wrong, but if it's all it follows you and and
45:37And you know people looking down on you and thinking that you're nothing thinking that you're worthless new shit
45:42Follows you around
45:44I've fucking tried my I fought really hard
45:48I'm right to and I'll keep fighting now for him
45:53for my lad and
45:55prove to your dad and
45:57Fucking 16 year old you that I'm not shit actually and that I can make something in my life
46:02Okay
46:08Hey, I
46:10Didn't tell you I was pregnant because I was scared you'd reject me
46:20I felt like I loved you and I wanted to have your child, but I
46:27Was scared you tell me to get rid of it
46:32I thought about you so much over the years and I did want to tell you but
46:39Weeks turn to months and
46:45I'm good. I'm glad you didn't get rid of him see is the best thing in my whole life. Sorry, you know
46:54You you've done a fantastic job you really have
46:58I'm sorry for all this much shit that I fucking got him into no you're both back safe and
47:07Apart from the state of my father's car. Hopefully it's all done and dealt with now
47:12It is yeah, it is
47:17Except for the fella tied up in the boots
47:28I'm sure you have done worse
47:38So you have done worse
47:40I hope you're cowardly sure and fuck you and your shit car you don't asshole
47:43I
47:45Don't know
47:55All right, isn't it
47:57Good joyriders
47:59We'll say we went for an early walk and when we came back
48:08Daddy's car was gone must have been stolen in the night
48:12Veronica you are a fucking angel an angel and woman form and
48:18Speaking of which are you? I hear that your father is an angel investor. I was wondering if you're not maybe forgetting my briefs again
48:25If you might be able to facilitate a business discussion
48:31Let's see what we can do
48:33Let's see
48:47Just recovering from last night
48:50Oh
48:52How would you like to start the day off in the sun? Oh no, I'm not sure about that. I think you find it invigorating
49:00Invigorating
49:02Come on
49:04Okay
49:06Yeah, okay
49:08We heard what you said
49:10What you are looking for
49:12What you are looking for
49:14We are very open-minded people
49:18Sexually
49:20Sexually
49:30For fuck's sake
49:34I negotiated with both men
49:36He now has a membership to my club
49:38Mila, you are an absolute fucking superstar
49:41Say to this car though, eh?
49:43Carst
49:44Carst
49:45You took the insurance?
49:53What do you mean you're going back to school?
49:54It's a school reunion
49:55Let's get smashed
49:56Meet me in the science lab
49:58That body was destined to be in a leotard on a stage
50:02You look like you want to hit me
50:05I was bullied here too
50:06I could get TJ
50:07And you could get mine
50:08I think our owner is about to do something really stupid
50:13What the fuck?
50:15I got so much trouble in my mind
50:21I got so much trouble in my mind
50:25I got so much trouble in my mind
50:29I got so much trouble in my mind
50:34Give me the strength to carry on
50:38Give me the strength to carry on
50:45Transcription by CastingWords
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