- 2 days ago
Ernest in the Arm (1998) follows the lovable Ernest P. Worrell as he finds himself in a series of hilarious adventures while serving his country. Full of slapstick humor, funny mishaps, and heartwarming moments, Ernest’s journey teaches lessons about courage, friendship, and perseverance in unexpected situations.
Starring Jim Varney, Bill Byrge, and Danny Bonaduce, this classic family comedy combines laughter with positive messages for audiences of all ages. Ernest in the Arm is an entertaining and delightful movie that continues the fun-filled adventures of everyone’s favorite clumsy hero.
Starring Jim Varney, Bill Byrge, and Danny Bonaduce, this classic family comedy combines laughter with positive messages for audiences of all ages. Ernest in the Arm is an entertaining and delightful movie that continues the fun-filled adventures of everyone’s favorite clumsy hero.
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00:01:44the iron fist of ruthless leaders since Nebuchadnezzar created the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
00:01:52There are those of us who, though our efforts may be futile, have tried to bring peace to our
00:01:59wall-torn land. But we tremble, for it is written that this evil wind will lure the great eagle
00:02:08into the clutches of its ambition, and the whole world will come to the edge of being nothing but
00:02:16a whisper's vapor in the universe. The secret, gentlemen, is in reach and accuracy.
00:02:30You must have the right balance and the right power. Soon we will invade Kirifistan.
00:02:38And the American infidels will foolishly rush to their aid. That's right, Kibi. And then I,
00:02:48Omar Habib Tufuti, president for life, will be the leader of all true believers when the American
00:02:54eagle falls from its perch. There will be one man who will ride the storm from the west to humble the
00:03:04tyrants of the earth. I tell you now the prophecy of a great American warrior.
00:03:12Good morning, Mr. Worrell. You're looking at a trap cleverly devised by the evil genius,
00:03:18Baron von Vitalist. A minefield. Mines diabolically disguised as your average garden variety golf ball or
00:03:26golfer stempless sphera coli. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be to rid the world
00:03:32of this menace and make this geriatric pastime safe again for all of humanity. My voice will self-destruct
00:03:40in five seconds. Four, three, two, one.
00:03:50Let the games begin.
00:03:53Yeah, another day on this course. There's here one. Uh-oh, got another one. Uh-oh, steer right. There's one.
00:04:01Okay, got another one. Yeah, can't hit me. You couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a base fiddle.
00:04:10Nice try, lady. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you knock them. I rock them. Uh-oh.
00:04:23Do your worst, Baron Titleist. You're pockmarked angels of death. Frighten me not.
00:04:28Uh-oh. Reinforcements. We're doomed. When you're doomed, you're doomed.
00:04:45Don't tempt these guys, Ernest. You know what happens.
00:04:51Special Forces Commander Ernest P. Worrell receives his much-deserved hero's welcome.
00:04:58Hey, great American hero. You gonna make it?
00:05:25Merely a flesh wound, Ben. Merely a wound upon my flesh.
00:05:40Gosh, Ben. Thanks for saving me under fire today. Baron Titleist nearly got the best of me.
00:05:45A soldier never leaves his buddy in the heat of battle. How's that bean head of yours?
00:05:49It'd be a whole lot better if you'd let me drive.
00:05:51Uh, we've been through that before.
00:05:52Oh, please, Ben. With sugar on top? No, no, no, no, no.
00:05:54Gosh, you never let me do anything, ever since we were kids.
00:05:58I'll let you do stuff. What stuff?
00:06:00Stuff. Well, okay stuff, but you never let me drive.
00:06:04Ernest, I can't let you drive. This is an army vehicle, and it's to be only driven by army people.
00:06:09I am an army people, whilst you are not army people.
00:06:12Gosh, y'all never get to drive those big camo mammoths and jeeps and abstracts and tanks and armored personnel carriers.
00:06:18Never, ever, ever in the whole history of the universe will I ever get to drive.
00:06:21You could enlist.
00:06:24Enlist. Join the army.
00:06:27Army people drive.
00:06:28Army people, army people, army, army, army people.
00:06:40I'm telling you, Ernest, there's nothing like life in the defense of your country.
00:06:43You know what I mean?
00:06:45Ben, did they let you keep your own underwear, because I hate to break in new underwear.
00:06:49I think something can be arranged.
00:06:51I don't know. I'm too old to enlist.
00:06:54Not for the reserves, you're not. Well, we got guys here right signing up all the time.
00:06:57The reserves?
00:06:58Yeah, boy, you'd love it, Ernest, driving them big rigs on the weekend.
00:07:01It's like summer camp for real men.
00:07:03Well, I was a summer camp counselor once.
00:07:06The way you drive that golf cart, you'd be a natural in mechanized infantry.
00:07:10I don't know.
00:07:12Look, it's not like you'd ever be in combat or anything.
00:07:15I mean, you'd be stationed right here at the base.
00:07:17I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Never have, now have I.
00:07:21No.
00:07:22You want to eat those popcorn?
00:07:23No, no, you take it.
00:07:25Sarge, you ready to go?
00:07:27I was born ready, baby.
00:07:30Baby, Ernest. Ernest, baby.
00:07:33Hi. It's nice to very meet you.
00:07:35Hi.
00:07:36Hi.
00:07:37Let's go, man.
00:07:39Women love army people.
00:07:40What do you mean?
00:07:49Gosh, I wish I had a girlfriend.
00:07:51Hi, this is Cindy Swanson reporting for channel...
00:07:54Cindy Swanson?
00:07:55What an awesome responsibility.
00:08:07Oh, yeah, it is.
00:08:08All the elite elite are going to be there.
00:08:10Excuse me, Mr. Beedleman.
00:08:11We're cutting away to INNI for a special report.
00:08:14But I wanted to show you...
00:08:15This is Cindy Swanson.
00:08:16It was mummified by a film.
00:08:18And now for a special report from Frank Williams at the INNI Foreign Desk in London.
00:08:23It seems that Omar Habib Tofutti, president for life of Erizia, is saber-rattling again as these satellite photos reveal a large intercontinental missile being moved across the southern province of Erizia toward Kirifistan.
00:08:36You see how far you can reach when you use the right club, Kiwi?
00:08:50Yes, I see, excellency.
00:08:52The eagle will shudder when it sees how far you can reach.
00:08:55You know, I've never shot an eagle.
00:08:58A few birdies, many powers, but never an eagle.
00:09:02Perhaps if you were to keep your head more still, excellency.
00:09:06But who am I to say?
00:09:10This little beauty is from Pakistan.
00:09:12It spits when it's in flight.
00:09:15Oh, that's very interesting, Mr. Beedleman.
00:09:17But I'm afraid we're gonna have to cover the story at another time.
00:09:20I'm sorry.
00:09:30I'm sorry you didn't get to finish, Cindy.
00:09:32That's okay.
00:09:33That story was finished before it got started.
00:09:36Thanks.
00:09:36You know, I have worked like a dog for this station for over a year.
00:09:39I've done everything they've asked me to do, but I'm never gonna get to INNI reporting dorky stories like this one.
00:09:45I need a really big story to put me over the top.
00:09:47Well, you hang in there, Sen.
00:09:49You'll get your chance.
00:09:50You'll get your chance.
00:09:50You'll get your chance.
00:09:52Maybe.
00:09:53You'll get your chance to do it.
00:09:55Yeah, right.
00:09:56You'll get your chance to do it.
00:09:58You'll get your chance to do it.
00:10:00You'll get your chance to do it.
00:10:01You'll get your chance to do it.
00:10:04You'll get your chance to do it.
00:10:06You'll get your chance to do it.
00:10:10You'll get your chance to do it.
00:10:12You'll get your chance to do it.
00:10:13Maybe that's it.
00:10:14I'd be an expert on driving those big rigs.
00:10:18Gentlemen, this is your GMC Napa Sonoma Mendocino 3000.
00:10:23It is the ultimate urban assault vehicle.
00:10:25It has 67 cylinders, 3,000 horsepower, seating capacity one.
00:10:30It has enduro flex suspension, monoflatelating carburation, and all models made after 1997
00:10:40has the extra large cup holder.
00:10:43The body is solid unibody and is made by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.
00:10:50Doors are optional.
00:10:52This vehicle is your friend, it is your companion, it is your long lost love.
00:10:56You will treat this vehicle with respect or I will cut your guts out with a rock.
00:11:00Do you understand?
00:11:03Now, gentlemen, are there any questions?
00:11:08I didn't think so.
00:11:15Torn in the Army is the best decision you'll ever make in your entire life.
00:11:18Just change this cap for a GI cap.
00:11:19Get rid of these blues and grays.
00:11:20For browns and greens, and as they say, you're in the Army now.
00:11:23But what about boot camp?
00:11:26What about tough GIs, grueling work, the breaking down of one's self-esteem with strong language,
00:11:32insults, and the clever use of profanity?
00:11:34What about that?
00:11:35You're not in the real Army.
00:11:36You're in the reserves.
00:11:37We drive trucks on the weekend.
00:11:38And talk on the radio.
00:11:39And party all the time.
00:11:40So it's time to rock and roll.
00:11:43A-R-M.
00:11:45Why?
00:11:46Why?
00:11:46Because we're Army people.
00:11:48P-O-P-L-E.
00:11:51P-O-P-L?
00:11:55What's wrong with P-O-P-L?
00:12:06Comrade Bloods, report from Mitty's sector.
00:12:09I want to know how a pipsqueak despot like Tofuti get a Pluton missile.
00:12:15No excuse, Boyar, but we have no information of missile origins.
00:12:19With that missile, Comrade Bloods, we could blackmail entire world.
00:12:25Every nation on Earth would have no choice but to bend my personal demands.
00:12:32We must have that missile.
00:12:36So, the wondrous hands that mold the events of men
00:12:42will set the great American warrior on course to his destiny.
00:12:49While in other parts of the world, the weak and oppressed struggle to survive.
00:12:55And knowing when to buy and when to sell, it's perfect.
00:12:59I am Pena and Leah and I know of strange and dangerous cults that haunt this city.
00:13:03You can charm them off with the charm of the guesswa.
00:13:06Get away from me, parasite.
00:13:08Get away and don't come back.
00:13:09The charm of the guesswa is only one dollar.
00:13:12I need to feed my sister who is sick.
00:13:15Feed at the beggar's kitchen.
00:13:17Leave us alone before I have you jailed.
00:13:20I'm not scared.
00:13:22I'm not scared.
00:13:23I'm not scared.
00:13:24I'm not scared.
00:13:25I'm not scared.
00:13:26I'm not scared.
00:13:27I'm not scared.
00:13:28I'm not scared.
00:13:32Hey!
00:13:33Hey, come back here!
00:13:34Come back, you thief!
00:13:38Take it easy, man.
00:13:38I'm sorry.
00:13:41Wow!
00:13:41This is great.
00:13:42Dock them, chock them, lock them, and cruise them on down the highway.
00:13:46What'd I tell you?
00:13:47There ain't nothing like being army people.
00:13:49Gosh, Ben.
00:13:51You really meant it when you talked about taking care of your buddies.
00:13:55You're about the best friend I've ever had.
00:13:57Every time, bud.
00:13:58Every time.
00:14:06Hey, hey, watch it, watch it, watch it!
00:14:07Watch what?
00:14:10What kind of idiot was driving that truck?
00:14:15You want me to drive?
00:14:16No, no, I'm fine.
00:14:17I'm okay.
00:14:19Hey, one second, watch out.
00:14:22Watch out.
00:14:23Wow.
00:14:26Ambassador, this mission is not going to be easy.
00:14:30Not only that, Colonel Gullett.
00:14:32The Americans aren't overjoyed at being under UN command.
00:14:36You will have to win this American general over.
00:14:40Maybe find out what motivates him.
00:14:42What motivates him is what motivates every American general.
00:14:45Publicity.
00:14:48Barnes!
00:14:49Sir, shouldn't we be doing this on the field someplace?
00:14:51What's with all this stupid blue paper?
00:14:53We use it to strip in backgrounds like Omaha Beach, Saigon, Baghdad.
00:14:58Through the magic of computer composing, we can put you right in the action.
00:15:02What the devil, you say?
00:15:03Hmm?
00:15:04That's enough for now.
00:15:06Get me the proofs tomorrow.
00:15:08Yes, sir.
00:15:08We have a deadline on the press kits.
00:15:09Right away, sir.
00:15:09General, Ambassador Kitsron and a Colonel Gullett from the UN Peacekeeping Forces will be here any
00:15:16minute now for a 10 o'clock appointment.
00:15:17Barnes, I don't want to talk to some pompous, stuffy, egomaniacal ambassador.
00:15:22The press loves him, sir.
00:15:23They do?
00:15:24Mm-hmm.
00:15:25Well, show him in.
00:15:26Yes, sir.
00:15:31Howdy, ambassador.
00:15:33Your excellency.
00:15:35They're here, sir.
00:15:37Act noncommittal.
00:15:39Good.
00:15:40I don't know, old bean.
00:15:42Excellent.
00:15:42Very good.
00:15:47Good afternoon, general.
00:15:49I am Ambassador Kittron, and this is Colonel Gullett.
00:15:53Welcome, gentlemen.
00:15:54Please, uh, have a seat.
00:15:57Ah, what can I do for you?
00:15:59As you know, Tefuti has been kicking up his heels again.
00:16:03And this time, he plans to invade the sovereign state of Karyfistan.
00:16:07And on top of that, there is evidence that he has a Pluton missile.
00:16:11Ah, Washington doesn't want to mess up the oil prices, huh?
00:16:14Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
00:16:18Rough room.
00:16:20The UN Security Council has chosen your reserve unit as a support team for the UN peacekeeping
00:16:25forces under the command of Colonel Gullett here.
00:16:28What?
00:16:29Support team?
00:16:31You wait a John Wayne minute, mister.
00:16:33My men are a fighting, killing machine.
00:16:35No, no, General, just kind of.
00:16:36We don't take orders from anyone.
00:16:37Especially some guy wearing a beret.
00:16:39You're not French, are you?
00:16:41Barnes, is this man French?
00:16:42you know i hate the french sir please let me explain colonel gullett will be handling the
00:16:49day-to-day duties but in matters of importance you will be consulted who will be making the press
00:16:55briefings why the general of course well then you can consider the 97th reserve unit at your
00:17:02disposal colonel gullett all right pierre our troops are your troops a brief few minutes 1600
00:17:13hours that's a good thing killing machines only here on the weekend
00:17:21what i say something wrong no no uh have a nice day
00:17:25cindy swanson w zab remember me cindy unfortunately i've got something you want
00:17:35uh barnes this is an action news phone line not a 900 number the 97th is being sent in to support
00:17:40u.n troops in karifistan no way the 97th unit is a reserve unit they're out of here in a week
00:17:47and general lincoln's leading the charge wait a minute has washington lost its mind don't answer
00:17:53that who else knows about this barnes only you for now baby now uh when can you and i uh uh uh
00:18:02thanks for the tip you're not gonna believe this i gotta call the boss
00:18:17some drive huh yeah army life is great hey you want an ooey gooey toad gummy oh no
00:18:23they're too stinky for me it takes me a week to get them out of my teeth hey you just gotta know
00:18:26how to eat them it's an art form few real men possess we gotta get the parade ground like now
00:18:32some big muckety-muck from the u.n is here we're on our way
00:18:43come on let's go let's go do it as rehearsed you sure you don't want an ooey gooey toad gummy
00:19:09man god has truly smiled down upon you this day
00:19:26out of the entire united states armed forces you and you alone have been chosen as an elite fighting
00:19:34unit never in the history of warfare has such an awesome responsibility been placed on the shoulders
00:19:42of such brave and noble souls as yourselves colonel gullett
00:19:49make a snappy pierre these guys go home at five o'clock
00:19:53i am colonel gullett u.n special forces you will be under my direct command
00:19:58yes sir this unit will be my support unit you'll cook all the meals clean the toilets police the
00:20:04grounds wash the equipment unload the trucks you'll perform each and every task you are told when you
00:20:10are told while on this peacekeeping mission to kerifistan karyfistan i can't go to karyfistan
00:20:16i don't know anybody in karyfistan i don't speak karyfistanese and besides my lips will peel soldier
00:20:22do you have a problem here yeah i gotta pick up golf balls next week what's that in your hand private
00:20:30gooey gooey gummy toes you want one get rid of them
00:20:43barnes sir who is this man he's a new recruit sir have him flogged we can only do that in singapore sir
00:20:52and the box
00:21:08general what kind of army are you running here you wouldn't find this bean head under my command
00:21:11what does he think he is easy sir easy when they get back from karyfistan you won't recognize this bunch
00:21:17a bunch of block heads
00:21:22look at you shoulders back stomach
00:21:24hang on
00:21:35hang on colonel i'll get it off
00:21:39stay around sir i'll have you out in nothing flat
00:21:41here i'll need this for leverage
00:21:46goes
00:21:50guard guard hold him down
00:21:56don't worry colonel you'll be able to breathe in just a minute
00:21:59okay
00:22:02guard shouldn't we do something i think we'd better stay out of this one sir
00:22:06come on
00:22:11come on
00:22:13come on
00:22:15come on
00:22:23come on
00:22:25Come on, we got you!
00:22:27Come on, we got you!
00:22:31What are you doing?
00:22:44How you like that beer?
00:22:55I told you I'd get it off.
00:23:01Know what I mean?
00:23:02Oh, Ernest.
00:23:04Don't worry, Ben. I'll explain everything.
00:23:06The General seems like a swell guy. I'm sure he'll understand.
00:23:09And besides, no one is impervious to the world charm.
00:23:13Please, Ernest, when we go in there, just shut up and let me do the talking, okay?
00:23:17But Ben...
00:23:18Ben, nothing. I can handle the General.
00:23:20Just remember what I said, in the Army, you always look out after your...
00:23:23Hey, buddy.
00:23:25I'm gonna get you, Worrell. If it's the last thing I'd do, I'm gonna get you.
00:23:32You know, Ben, I don't think the Colonel is as familiar as we are with that taking care of your buddy stuff.
00:23:37Sergeant Ben Kosky!
00:23:41How tough should I be?
00:23:44Like an iron fist.
00:23:46In a soft glove.
00:23:48Remember what happened to Patton?
00:23:49Oh, yeah.
00:23:50Okay.
00:23:51Let's go.
00:24:01Private Ernest P. Worrell and Sergeant Ben Kosky reporting as ordered, sir.
00:24:05Well, Private Worrell, what do you have to say for yourself?
00:24:08Will, sir.
00:24:09Worrell, you have one weekend of military service and you have nearly jeopardized the entire UN Security Council mission!
00:24:15If I could explain, sir.
00:24:16And you, Sergeant Ben Kosky, you should know better.
00:24:19The image of the 97th is at stake here and now the whole world will be focused on me!
00:24:23Us!
00:24:24I have no choice but to relieve you of your duties!
00:24:28Ben, what's wrong?
00:24:29I know it's too tough!
00:24:30Fires I was never here, it never happened!
00:24:32I've been at the Officer's Club the whole time!
00:24:34General, sir!
00:24:35Call a medic! Call an ambulance!
00:24:36I'll learn CPR on Oprah!
00:24:37Hey, Ben!
00:24:38How's my favorite Army people?
00:24:39I brought you some stuff from the PX, but they're a little funny about what you could eat, so I brought you the pork rinds but without the hot sauce.
00:24:42This is all my fault.
00:24:44Hey, Ben.
00:24:57How's my favorite army people?
00:25:00I brought you some stuff from the PX,
00:25:02but they're a little funny about what you could eat,
00:25:04so I brought you the pork rinds, but without the hot sauce.
00:25:09This is all my fault.
00:25:12What was I thinking?
00:25:14All I wanted to do was drive the army big rigs.
00:25:19Ben, you're the best friend I've got in the whole world.
00:25:24Without you, I wouldn't have anybody.
00:25:27And if I ever lost you, I'd...
00:25:29Visiting hours are over.
00:25:32All visitors, please leave the hospital.
00:25:36Well, I gotta go now, Ben.
00:25:38And I'll say a little prayer for you, okay?
00:25:40You hang in there, Ben.
00:25:42This thing came out.
00:25:51Now, I'll put it back in for you.
00:25:58I won't stay.
00:26:04I'm gonna stay in there now.
00:26:06Oh, I gotta get it going.
00:26:10Yeah.
00:26:12Okay.
00:26:14You get some rest.
00:26:15Allah, be praised.
00:26:24Gentlemen!
00:26:28Behold my special club.
00:26:30The Pluton missile.
00:26:32With it, I will bring the infidels to their knees
00:26:35and be leader in the Arab world.
00:26:39Kibi!
00:26:39Kibi!
00:26:45Commander.
00:26:47I want you to personally have our tanks deliver this to King Sharak.
00:26:52Once again, history spewed forth a wave of aggression
00:27:06that swept the land.
00:27:08And everything in its path was crushed beneath the treads of its ambition.
00:27:13There was little to stop evil's triumphant march.
00:27:19Ben Ali, you must come.
00:27:21The tanks are coming.
00:27:22Everyone in the village is leaving.
00:27:24Come, come.
00:27:26Yes.
00:27:28I come.
00:27:29So the beast lured the eagle
00:27:36by devouring the defenceless.
00:27:41And an orphaned child wept.
00:27:46Praying.
00:27:48Hoping.
00:27:50Looking for the liberator of his land
00:27:52and his future.
00:27:54Even I could have told you
00:27:59you wouldn't go for that one.
00:28:00It's the biggest story in the world.
00:28:01The Americans sent to Kirifistan
00:28:03and our own 97th Reserve Unit leading the way.
00:28:05This story could break me out of this dinky little station.
00:28:08Now, come on, Cindy.
00:28:09You knew the boss wouldn't spring for a ticket to the Middle East
00:28:11when the 97th ships out.
00:28:14Ships out.
00:28:15That's it.
00:28:16Don't.
00:28:17Thanks, Danny.
00:28:23With INNI,
00:28:24you are there
00:28:25in Operation Sandtrap.
00:28:27President Tefuti of Urizia
00:28:29has invaded the neighbouring country
00:28:30of Kirifistan today.
00:28:32Our staunchest ally in the Middle East,
00:28:34King Chirac,
00:28:34has asked for intervention by UN forces.
00:28:37President Powell
00:28:38has ordered immediate deployment of troops.
00:28:45Soldier,
00:28:46do up that lace.
00:28:47Try to look sharp.
00:28:48Yes, sir.
00:28:49You know, Corporal,
00:28:53for your own safety,
00:28:54you should never let anyone else pack your chute.
00:28:57Welcome aboard, Worrell.
00:28:59Oh, thanks.
00:29:01What's the movie on this flight?
00:29:03I hope it's not another chick flick art film.
00:29:06They always look so brown to me.
00:29:08I've got two words for you, Worrell.
00:29:10Friendly fire.
00:29:16You know, I think he's warming up to me.
00:29:18He actually used the word friendly.
00:29:20Look at it this way, Ernest.
00:29:22After Operation Sandtrap,
00:29:23me and you,
00:29:24we'll be desert heroes.
00:29:26Desert heroes.
00:29:27Legends of the Sudan.
00:29:32What is the measure of a man?
00:29:34A yardstick?
00:29:35Nay, his heart.
00:29:37His dedication to God and country.
00:29:40The sort of car he drives.
00:29:42Give me a man who will work through lunch,
00:29:45battling insurmountable odds
00:29:47to spit his last bloody breath
00:29:49into the face of the enemy.
00:29:51A man who will never once complain about sunburn
00:29:53or painful underwear itch.
00:29:55Live each day as if it were your last,
00:29:58because someday you will be right.
00:30:02No prisoners.
00:30:03No prisoners.
00:30:05No prisoners.
00:30:13Communique from Interceptor.
00:30:15It's about time there was some progress.
00:30:18Yes, sir.
00:30:18He is airborne.
00:30:20Good.
00:30:21Good.
00:30:22Soon, FIT will have Pluton missile
00:30:24and Operation Payback can begin.
00:30:42You know,
00:30:42I think I brought too much carry-on.
00:30:45I should have checked a lot of this stuff with the baggage.
00:30:51Hey, does anybody want a juice?
00:30:53I think I've got some olive loaf.
00:30:54Beautiful, General. Beautiful.
00:30:56Now, if you could just turn your body toward me, sir,
00:30:58I want to try and catch that flight of F-18s in the background.
00:31:01No, they're ours. They're ours, sir.
00:31:03God bless them.
00:31:04Now, sir, if you could just turn your head a little bit to the right,
00:31:06I'm trying to lose that cold sore on your lip.
00:31:09Shaving cut.
00:31:09I'm sure, sir. I'm sure.
00:31:11Good, good. Stand by.
00:31:13Okay. Action.
00:31:20And cut.
00:31:24All right.
00:31:26Okay, Lloyd. Let's do lunch.
00:31:28Come on. I know this nice new place.
00:31:31You like fish?
00:31:32The lake's called the hairy prawn.
00:31:33You'll love it.
00:31:35Left, right, left.
00:31:36Hold it. Hold it.
00:31:38What's going on up there?
00:31:39The column on further up the beach.
00:31:41It's a baby blue jellyfish, or Gelacticus swimfasticus.
00:31:46It is native to the warm waters of Zanzibar
00:31:49and feeds primarily upon plankton and other forms of...
00:31:53What are you doing?
00:31:55Oh, hi, Colonel.
00:31:56This is a Gelacticus swimfastius, or baby blue jellyfish.
00:32:02It is coming to the warm...
00:32:03Shut up!
00:32:05But it's still alive.
00:32:08You're stopping the entire combined force of the world for a jellyfish?
00:32:12A baby blue jellyfish?
00:32:14Or Gelacticus swimfasticus?
00:32:16Give me 20, soldier.
00:32:19There's 20.
00:32:20That means I can't go...
00:32:21On the ground, idiot!
00:32:22One, two, three, five, six, six, six...
00:32:31Right, enough wildlife education.
00:32:33Let's move it out!
00:32:34Down, down, down, right, down.
00:32:3814...
00:32:4115...
00:32:4215...
00:32:4317...
00:33:05That ought to be enough.
00:33:08I hope I can catch up to these guys.
00:33:16You are American?
00:33:18Yep, born and bred in the land of the free.
00:33:20You ever been to Karitistan before?
00:33:22No, never been further east than Savannah.
00:33:25Well, there are some strange and dangerous cults and curses
00:33:30in the Middle East.
00:33:31Yeah, I know, I saw them on cable.
00:33:33So you know you need one of these
00:33:35or all manner of trouble will befall you.
00:33:38The charm of Kiswa.
00:33:41Let me see that.
00:33:42Fifty bucks, you wish.
00:33:44Fifty bucks?
00:33:46Do I look like I have stupid written all over my face?
00:33:51Sixty bucks.
00:33:52Sixty bucks?
00:33:54That's outrageous.
00:33:55It has good luck too, at no extra cost.
00:33:58You mean, it comes with all the bells and whistles and everything?
00:34:02All of them.
00:34:03Okay, sixty-five dollars and that's my last offer.
00:34:08Okay, but you're robbing me.
00:34:10Okay.
00:34:11All I got is a hundred dollar bill.
00:34:14Wait here, I'll bring your change.
00:34:18Gosh, I hate taking advantage of a little kid like that.
00:34:33I sure hope he makes it back soon with my change.
00:34:36This is the Arabian Desert, gentlemen.
00:34:43It is hot, cruel and unforgiving.
00:34:46This is the chemical weapon the enemy uses.
00:34:50It is highly toxic and can melt the skin of a Tyrannosaurus.
00:34:54In the event of such a gas attack, you will need a working knowledge of your gas mask.
00:35:01Place the mask fully over your face.
00:35:03Okay.
00:35:04And adjust the straps to ensure they are no gas.
00:35:09Continue to breathe normally.
00:35:14It is an essential part of your military equipment.
00:35:17It is to be kept clean and free of dirt and foreign objects.
00:35:20Abuse of magic properties is not to be tolerated.
00:35:24Warhol, get back in line.
00:35:26Warhol, get back in line.
00:35:28Warhol, do you hear me?
00:35:29What do you think you're doing?
00:35:30Warhol, forgive me that.
00:35:37Warhol, have you lost your mind?
00:35:39Warhol!
00:35:40Warhol, I'm back in line.
00:35:42Do you hear me, Warhol?
00:35:43I'm disobeying orders.
00:35:45Warhol!
00:35:46Warhol!
00:35:47Who's working on duty?
00:35:48Warhol!
00:35:49Warhol!
00:35:49How do you go up, Marshall, for this?
00:35:53I'm with the press.
00:35:54I'm with the press.
00:35:55I'm with the press.
00:35:56Okay, very soon.
00:35:57I'll catch you later.
00:35:58Oh, great, catch you up.
00:35:59Hurry up, man.
00:36:00I'm first and...
00:36:02Right on through.
00:36:03Thanks.
00:36:04You wouldn't have to shoot.
00:36:06And when the smoke clears, you'll be singing soprano.
00:36:09And finally, the newly developed rock mines.
00:36:13The one on my right is an ordinary rock.
00:36:17The one on the left will rock your world.
00:36:20Handle this one carefully, then.
00:36:24They're very sensitive.
00:36:27They're perfectly camouflaged.
00:36:30A good bump will definitely turn you into a fine red mist.
00:36:34Give me the mine, Private.
00:36:35Give it to him.
00:36:36Give it to him.
00:36:37Eeny, meeny, miny.
00:36:39One potato, two potato.
00:36:41Paper, rocks.
00:36:42The mine!
00:36:43Ernest, give it to him.
00:36:44Don't want to.
00:36:48General!
00:36:49I'm busy!
00:36:50I'm going back to it.
00:36:52Hold on.
00:36:53Hold on.
00:36:54Great.
00:37:00I'm going back to it.
00:37:02Hold on, hold on.
00:37:03Can I keep the rock?
00:37:07Sir?
00:37:08Carter?
00:37:09Rosen?
00:37:10At ease, man.
00:37:11Cut.
00:37:12Keep that take.
00:37:13I want that one for myself.
00:37:19Private, get over here!
00:37:20Hey, Ernest.
00:37:21Where are you headed?
00:37:22I'm going to go whip up my special pancake breakfast for the troops.
00:37:26I'll warn them.
00:37:29No!
00:37:30Stop!
00:37:30Leave me alone!
00:37:31That's mine!
00:37:32Hey!
00:37:33What's going on there?
00:37:34You leave that boy alone.
00:37:39You saved my life.
00:37:41I owe you everything.
00:37:43I will return all of your money.
00:37:45Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
00:37:47It's okay, little fella.
00:37:49It's okay.
00:37:50Oh, no!
00:37:51They would have killed me.
00:37:53I owe you, sahib.
00:37:54Here...
00:37:55Here is your money with some extra.
00:37:58Well...
00:37:59What's your name?
00:38:00Ben Ali will be in your service for as long as I breathe.
00:38:03I had a good buddy back home named Ben.
00:38:06I am good buddy now.
00:38:07Good buddy forever.
00:38:09Well, my name is Ernest.
00:38:11Ben.
00:38:12Ben close buddy to Ernest, eh?
00:38:14Um...
00:38:15Ben, I've got to go now and cook breakfast.
00:38:19Do you like pancakes?
00:38:20Yes.
00:38:21I kind of thought you would.
00:38:23With I and N I, you are there in Operation Sandtrap.
00:38:33UN peacekeeping forces have established a firm beachhead in Kirifistan, but now Tefuti is
00:38:38in possession of a Pluton bomb.
00:38:40What started out to be a simple peacekeeping mission has put American troops in harm's
00:38:45way.
00:38:46Deadly game may escalate beyond control.
00:38:56Excellent.
00:38:57News from the Northern Commanders.
00:38:59Yes, Kibi.
00:39:00Northern Kirifistan has fallen.
00:39:02The UN has established a beachhead.
00:39:05The eagles have perched in your crosshairs.
00:39:09Excellent.
00:39:10Tell the commander to send me four of his best men.
00:39:14It's time to move on to the next tea.
00:39:17As you command it.
00:39:23Bonsoir, Monsieur.
00:39:25And welcome to Cooking with Ernesto.
00:39:28Today, we're going to attempt my world famous recipe for GI pancakes.
00:39:34Or as I called them, crepes khaki.
00:39:37First, we add a few eggs.
00:39:41Perfect.
00:39:42Now, we add the mix.
00:39:44Isn't that too much?
00:39:47It is a creative thing, Pepe.
00:39:51You will understand when you are older.
00:39:53Now, we add enough water to mix.
00:39:56It is perhaps a bit thin.
00:40:05We will add a bit more mix to thicken.
00:40:08I see.
00:40:16Perfect.
00:40:17Now, it is time to test the grill.
00:40:21What?
00:40:21What?
00:40:22Oh.
00:40:23Oh.
00:40:24Spin.
00:40:25Spin.
00:40:26Hand me the spatula.
00:40:28A bababa?
00:40:29The spatula.
00:40:30Ah, a bababa?
00:40:31A spatula.
00:40:32Oh!
00:40:33One of these?
00:40:35Uh-huh.
00:40:36Funny.
00:40:37It's funny. We call them specials.
00:40:40Oh, goodness, is that?
00:40:53Oh, morning. Pancakes?
00:41:07I'm sorry.
00:41:11Morning. Morning.
00:41:21Sorry, that one's dirty. Here, let me get you another one.
00:41:23No! No!
00:41:25I got blueberry. No way!
00:41:28Would you like the blueberry?
00:41:37Second.
00:41:43Have you tried these?
00:41:57Mmm. Good.
00:42:01Needs all short.
00:42:03Ben, hand me the short.
00:42:07Fine.
00:42:13Mmm. Mmm.
00:42:15It's better.
00:42:25Boom!
00:42:27Ben, what do you want for breakfast?
00:42:30I think I'll take my chances on the street.
00:42:33Can you get me a cheeseburger?
00:42:36Hi. Excuse me.
00:42:38Up, up, up, up.
00:42:40Guys, oh.
00:42:42They hate it when you punch holes in these armored personnel carriers.
00:42:46That's as I've done before.
00:42:48Only on pancake day.
00:42:50It's usually...
00:42:52Excuse me.
00:42:53The eggs just kind of eat the paint off.
00:42:55I can't help you.
00:42:56Bring it in.
00:42:57It's you, um...
00:42:58Never mind.
00:42:59It's okay.
00:43:00I can't believe it.
00:43:01Sorry.
00:43:03It's my dream come true.
00:43:04Hi.
00:43:05It's...
00:43:06Never mind.
00:43:07It's Cindy Swanson.
00:43:08She's here at Garifistan.
00:43:09Is that your girlfriend?
00:43:11Well, no.
00:43:12Not really my girlfriend.
00:43:13We just kind of...
00:43:14I mean, I just know her from seeing her on the Channel 3 news.
00:43:17Hi.
00:43:18Oh, this is my lucky day.
00:43:20Excuse me.
00:43:21See?
00:43:22How dumb works.
00:43:23Can I help you with your bags?
00:43:25Oh.
00:43:26Are you a mirage?
00:43:27No, ma'am.
00:43:28Southern Baptist.
00:43:30I'm Cindy Swanson.
00:43:31I know you're Cindy Swanson from Channel 3 in the States.
00:43:33I'm your biggest fan.
00:43:34And you are?
00:43:35Oh, Private Ernest P. Worrell.
00:43:37At your service.
00:43:38At ease, Worrell.
00:43:39Oh, hi, Colonel.
00:43:40This is Cindy Swanson.
00:43:41You know, from Channel 3 in the States, a close personal friend of mine.
00:43:44Colonel Bradley Gullett.
00:43:46Hello.
00:43:47I'll take it from here, Worrell.
00:43:49Oh, really, sir?
00:43:50It's no trouble at all.
00:43:51And I'll take it from here.
00:43:53Yeah, Cindy.
00:43:54The Colonel can handle your bags.
00:43:55He's real strong.
00:43:56Come on.
00:43:57I'll see you around, Cindy.
00:43:58Thanks, Ernest.
00:43:59You're a reporter, huh?
00:44:00Mm-hmm.
00:44:01Well, stick with me, Miss Swanson.
00:44:02When it comes to getting a scoop, it's strictly who you know.
00:44:06Private Norton, get those bags.
00:44:11I guess the guess-what charm didn't work so well.
00:44:14Neither did the Worrell charm.
00:44:16There are many ways to feed a Camel Master.
00:44:20You know what I mean?
00:44:22You mean Cindy is a Camel Master?
00:44:32All right.
00:44:33Now remember, General, be sure to look straight into the cameras.
00:44:35America and the rest of the world is staring back at you.
00:44:37Can I look at my notes?
00:44:38Don't look at your notes.
00:44:39Don't look at my notes?
00:44:40Don't look at your notes.
00:44:41And don't take any questions from that round haircut at CBS.
00:44:44Oh, I hate that dork.
00:44:45Yeah, me too.
00:44:46You got your non-metals on?
00:44:47Affirmative.
00:44:48Act natural, warm, friendly, but firm.
00:44:50Firm.
00:44:51Firm.
00:44:52General's firm.
00:44:53General's firm.
00:44:54All right.
00:44:55That's right, Tiger.
00:44:56Now get out there and take your best shot.
00:44:57Barnes!
00:44:58What if I get a book deal out of this?
00:44:59Don't worry.
00:45:00We'll get a ghostwriter.
00:45:01Ghostwriter?
00:45:02Powell's got a ghostwriter.
00:45:03Really?
00:45:04I did not know that.
00:45:05General!
00:45:06General!
00:45:07General!
00:45:08General!
00:45:09General!
00:45:18Gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?
00:45:21It appears Tefuti has more firepower than anticipated,
00:45:24so we must escalate the contact.
00:45:26You men will be moving toward the front lines at 0600 hours.
00:45:29That's in three hours from now.
00:45:32Nighty night.
00:45:33Sleep tight.
00:45:34Boy.
00:45:35Oh, yes.
00:45:36I thought we were a supply unit.
00:45:39I didn't think we'd actually see combat.
00:45:41Combat?
00:45:42Don't be afraid, Corporal Davis.
00:45:45Ernest is the great American warrior my father talked about.
00:45:49He will protect us all.
00:45:50That's right.
00:45:51I'll just...
00:45:52Ben!
00:45:53What are you doing under there?
00:45:56I stick by my good buddy, Ernest.
00:45:59You said buddies stick together.
00:46:00Oh, Ben, you can't stay here.
00:46:02You've got to go home.
00:46:03Your folks will worry about you.
00:46:06Did you hear me, Ben?
00:46:08You've got to go home.
00:46:09I have no home.
00:46:11This is my home now.
00:46:13Well, what about your family?
00:46:16My mother was killed by the footies, God of the White Hill.
00:46:20And my father went to fight in the resistance.
00:46:24I never came home.
00:46:26I'm sorry, Ben.
00:46:27Don't worry.
00:46:28Everything's gonna be okay.
00:46:29I know what it's like to be alone.
00:46:30Good night, son.
00:46:31Hey, Mal, how are you doing?
00:46:32Good night, son.
00:46:33Hey, Mal, how are you doing?
00:46:34Good night.
00:46:35Good night, son.
00:46:36Where are they going?
00:46:37I have no idea, but I think the colonel's gonna be the first one.
00:46:40I know what it's like to be alone.
00:46:42Good night, son.
00:46:43I know what it's like to be alone.
00:46:44Good night, son.
00:46:45Hey, Mal, how are you doing?
00:46:46Good night.
00:46:47How are you doing?
00:46:48How are you doing?
00:46:49How are you doing?
00:46:50Where are they going?
00:46:51I have no idea, but I think the colonel's gonna be the first one of us to see some action.
00:46:56Ernest!
00:46:57Come on, Ernest.
00:46:58Let's go.
00:46:59Ernest!
00:47:00Ernest!
00:47:01Where are you going?
00:47:02We've got to go to the front to help the soldiers.
00:47:03I go too.
00:47:04Oh, no, Ben.
00:47:05This is no place for a boy.
00:47:06I am not a boy.
00:47:07I'm a brave warrior like Ernest.
00:47:09I'm sorry, Ben, but you're gonna have to stay here.
00:47:12What about sticking by your body?
00:47:13I'm sorry, Ben.
00:47:14We've got to go.
00:47:15We'll be back.
00:47:16All of you see Jerry anywhere else.
00:47:17He'll never come back.
00:47:18Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:47:19Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:47:20Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:47:21Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:47:22Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:47:23Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:47:25Excellent.
00:47:26Yes, Kibi.
00:47:27These are the men you sent for.
00:47:28I need to put a face on this invasion.
00:47:31Yes, sir.
00:47:32I'm sorry, Ben.
00:47:33I'm sorry, Ben.
00:47:34We've got to go.
00:47:35We'll be back.
00:47:36All of you see Jerry anywhere else?
00:47:38He'll never come back.
00:47:39Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:47:42Excellent, sir.
00:47:44Yes, Kibi.
00:47:46These are the men you sent for.
00:47:49I need to put a face on this invasion.
00:47:54A sympathetic face.
00:47:57One that will ensure media attention.
00:48:01An American face.
00:48:12Out! Out! Out!
00:48:21Colonel Gullett, where are we?
00:48:23We're about three steps from heaven.
00:48:27Oh! Colonel Gullett, please!
00:48:29Let's just stick to the problem at hand.
00:48:31I'm trying to get back to the space.
00:48:33Look, I'm not used to taking no for an answer.
00:48:35When I see something I want, I go...
00:48:39Thanks.
00:48:41Say, you fellas look like you're from around here.
00:48:44Would you happen to know where this space is?
00:48:46God!
00:48:48Ah!
00:48:49Ah!
00:48:50Ah!
00:48:51Ah!
00:48:52Ah!
00:48:54Ah!
00:48:56Ah!
00:48:58Ah!
00:49:00With I-N-N-I, you are there in Operation Sand Trap.
00:49:03I'm Frank Williams, and we're waiting for a briefing from General Rodney Lincoln,
00:49:07perhaps the most colorful of all the Allied commanders of Operation Sand Trap.
00:49:11And what a voice.
00:49:12At approximately 1,800 hours today, the Allied forces will begin carpet bombing sectors 30, 31, and 32, along with 200 sorties as preparatory to ground assault.
00:49:24Slap the map.
00:49:25Here.
00:49:26Now the color.
00:49:27And if Tutti Frutti has the common sense of a duck, he'll tuck that keister of his up under that beach blanket he wears for a hat and high-tail it out of there like a jackrabbit in a Louisiana oil spill.
00:49:38Atta boy.
00:49:39Any questions?
00:49:40Gullet.
00:49:41Gullet!
00:49:42Wake up, you creep!
00:49:43I can't believe you got me into this.
00:49:45Hey, look.
00:49:46Look who's out there.
00:49:47What is it?
00:49:48Gullet!
00:49:49Gullet!
00:49:50Wake up, you creep!
00:49:51I can't believe you got me into this.
00:49:53Hey, look.
00:49:54Look who's out there.
00:49:55What is it?
00:49:56It's President Tefutti.
00:49:57Tefutti?
00:49:58In the flesh.
00:49:59He's standing over by the Oasis with those goons who captured us.
00:50:00Oasis?
00:50:01Yeah.
00:50:02The only enemy base near an Oasis is in Sector 32.
00:50:04Sector 32.
00:50:05Great.
00:50:06Now we know where we are.
00:50:07No thanks to you.
00:50:08Too bad nobody else does.
00:50:09Look, I'm sorry.
00:50:10I didn't know we were close to enemy lines.
00:50:12Yeah, well, you're gonna be real sorry in a minute because they're headed this way.
00:50:23I'm tired.
00:50:24Hi.
00:50:25As-salamu alaykum.
00:50:26I trust you are content with your accommodations and that your journey into our little country
00:50:40has been a pleasant one?
00:50:42Mr. President.
00:50:43For life.
00:50:44Whatever.
00:50:45You must forgive these ruffians.
00:50:46They're not very polite sometimes.
00:50:50Ah, a member of the press and a lovely one at that.
00:51:00Okay, okay, I hear ya.
00:51:14Hold it up, Ernest.
00:51:18Looks like headquarters has changed their mind again.
00:51:21I'll be in the communications truck.
00:51:23I can't believe they're doing this to us.
00:51:50We just got here.
00:51:51That's army intelligence for ya.
00:51:53Hey, has anybody seen Colonel Billet?
00:51:56He's been gone all day.
00:51:57Maybe that reporterette's got him tied up.
00:51:59Maybe somebody should go looking for him.
00:52:01I'd volunteer.
00:52:02What's the deal here, Chuck?
00:52:03They're calling for a bug out.
00:52:05The F-18s are bombing the entire area at 1800 hours.
00:52:08Wow.
00:52:09This is neat.
00:52:10You get wrestling here?
00:52:12You know The Undertaker's gonna be on Monday Night Raw this week.
00:52:15Really?
00:52:16Bullwhips?
00:52:17Mmm.
00:52:18Good match.
00:52:19It was not innocent.
00:52:20Hey, don't touch this stuff.
00:52:22The Parisian troops have at least two hostages.
00:52:25A British colonel and an American woman.
00:52:28We go now to a satellite feed of a videotape we received moments ago from somewhere in the Middle East.
00:52:33I am Colonel Bradley Gullet.
00:52:35Oh, look.
00:52:36It's the Colonel.
00:52:37And Cindy.
00:52:38Well, at least they're safe.
00:52:40I'm Cindy Swanson, a news reporter for Channel 3... Channel 32.
00:52:50Ain't she something?
00:52:52She's the best reporter Channel 3 ever had.
00:52:54And she smells good, too.
00:52:56But she said Channel 32.
00:52:57No.
00:52:58She's on Channel 3.
00:52:59I watch her all the time.
00:53:00No.
00:53:01She said Channel 32.
00:53:03Wait a minute.
00:53:04We denounce the American allies...
00:53:06Maybe she's trying to tell us something.
00:53:09Channel 32.
00:53:11Again, this is Cindy Swanson for Channel 32.
00:53:15Channel 32.
00:53:17Channel 32.
00:53:19Maybe she meant Sector 32.
00:53:28No.
00:53:29No.
00:53:30She said Channel 32.
00:53:32Therefore, the code word is... Channel.
00:53:49Soon, there will be a liberator.
00:53:56I've got a full canteen and a flashlight.
00:53:58We can be back before anybody knows we're gone.
00:54:01No, Ernest.
00:54:02That's Air Rescue's job.
00:54:03But what about the Colonel and Cindy?
00:54:05Don't they count?
00:54:06I'm sorry about the girl, but she's the media and not our responsibility.
00:54:09As for the Colonel, he's not the Sarge.
00:54:12Can't we do something?
00:54:14Get in, Ernest.
00:54:15That's an order.
00:54:16I'm sorry, sir.
00:54:17I know it's high treason and probably very rude.
00:54:20But a real soldier wouldn't leave those people out there.
00:54:23And ironically, neither will I.
00:54:26Ernest!
00:54:28Get back here!
00:54:30And so it will come to pass...
00:54:35That the great American warrior...
00:54:38Will plunge himself into the vast wasteland of death.
00:54:43He alone...
00:54:45A human spear...
00:54:47Thrust in the heart of the beast.
00:54:50TB.
00:54:51Bring me the U.N. Colonel.
00:54:52As you desire, Mr. President.
00:54:53For life.
00:54:55Colonel Gallet, it is time.
00:54:57What?
00:54:58What's going on?
00:54:59Where are you taking them?
00:55:00Gun.
00:55:01Looks like I'm first.
00:55:02Sorry, Cindy.
00:55:03We'll be back for you, Miss Swanson.
00:55:04No hurry.
00:55:05No hurry.
00:55:06I'll be back for you, Miss Swanson.
00:55:07I'll be back for you, Miss Swanson.
00:55:08I'll be back for you, Miss Swanson.
00:55:09No hurry.
00:55:10I'll take it.
00:55:11I know you.
00:55:12I'll be back for you.
00:55:13I know you.
00:55:14No hurry.
00:55:15Oh, he's got it.
00:55:16We're done.
00:55:17OK.
00:55:18Oh.
00:55:19Colonel Gallet, it is time.
00:55:20What's going on?
00:55:21Where are you taking them?
00:55:22Gun.
00:55:23Move.
00:55:24Move.
00:55:25Looks like I'm first.
00:55:26Sorry, Cindy.
00:55:27We'll be back for you, Miss Swanson.
00:55:29No hurry.
00:55:30Well, Colonel, you look very good on television.
00:55:45I think you should consider it as a career.
00:55:47I held up my end of the deal, Tefuti.
00:55:49I delivered you your news correspondent.
00:55:51Now pay me my money.
00:55:52I don't think you're in such a good position to be demanding anything.
00:55:58You'll die for this, Tefuti.
00:56:00Strap him to the missile.
00:56:02We'll send him back to his friends.
00:56:04You'll die for this.
00:56:05Kibi, my club.
00:56:07Kibi, my club.
00:56:13Oh, my God.
00:56:43The desert sun certainly has a diverse effect on chocolate milk.
00:57:03On us! Where's on us?
00:57:05Excuse me, on us! On us!
00:57:07Where's on us?
00:57:09Excuse me, on us!
00:57:11Where's on us?
00:57:13On us!
00:57:15Let's go!
00:57:17Where's on us? Did you see on us?
00:57:19No, Ben. He went off into the desert.
00:57:21He thinks he's gonna save the colonel in that reporter.
00:57:23Which way did you go?
00:57:25I can't talk. I gotta go.
00:57:27Let's clear it off. Let's go, now.
00:57:29Put you standing around.
00:57:31Grab that box. Let's go, gentlemen.
00:57:35Good.
00:57:37My lips are peeling.
00:57:47My lips are peeling.
00:57:59He just headed off towards Sector 32. I tried to stop him, but he just kept going.
00:58:03Sector 32?
00:58:05We're just about to turn that wasteland into more wasteland.
00:58:07Who else have you told about this?
00:58:09No one.
00:58:10You keep it to yourself, soldier.
00:58:11I'll handle it from here.
00:58:12Yes, sir.
00:58:13Sector 32.
00:58:14Prepare to launch assault.
00:58:15Okay.
00:58:16Okay.
00:58:17Okay, this shouldn't be hard.
00:58:18Just one foot.
00:58:19Easy.
00:58:20One step at a time.
00:58:21Don't disturb the sand.
00:58:22I'll get...
00:58:23I'll get...
00:58:24I'll get...
00:58:25Ah!
00:58:26Ah!
00:58:27Ah!
00:58:28Ah!
00:58:29Ah!
00:58:30Ah!
00:58:31Ah!
00:58:32Ah!
00:58:33Ah!
00:58:34Ah!
00:58:35Ah!
00:58:36Ah!
00:58:37Ah!
00:58:38Ah!
00:58:39Ah!
00:58:40Ah!
00:58:41Ah!
00:58:42Ah!
00:58:43Ah!
00:58:44Ah!
00:58:45Ah!
00:58:46Ah!
00:58:47Ah!
00:58:48Ah!
00:58:49Ah, ah!
00:58:51Wah!
00:58:52Ah!
00:58:56Ah!
00:58:57Ah, ah, ah-ah!
00:58:59Sand angels!
00:59:01Ah!
00:59:02Ah-ah.
00:59:04Ah!
00:59:05Oh- ah!
00:59:08Ah-ah!
00:59:09Ah-ah!
00:59:10Ah!
00:59:11Poison barbed wire.
00:59:16A feeble attempt to frighten lesser minds.
00:59:41Well, at least I didn't get poisoned.
01:00:11Oh, yeah.
01:00:41If it hadn't been for my stealth-like ninja moves, I never would have made it this far.
01:00:49I am poultry in motion.
01:00:52Army people.
01:00:57My people, today we celebrate tomorrow's certain sacred victory over the Americans.
01:01:10And tomorrow we will pierce the heart of the eagle and all the land will praise Omar Habib Tufutti, president for life of Aritzia.
01:01:32Hang on.
01:01:40Ta-da!
01:01:48The cavalry has arrived.
01:01:50Private Worrell?
01:01:51Well, you can call me Ernest, little lady.
01:01:54Shh!
01:01:55Please.
01:01:56Where are the other soldiers?
01:01:58It's just me.
01:01:59I'm on special assignment.
01:02:01I can't get this rope untied.
01:02:04I can't believe you crossed the desert by yourself.
01:02:06I thought you were the cook.
01:02:07I am.
01:02:08And a real good one, too.
01:02:10I'll tell you what.
01:02:11I'm gonna have to lift this pole up and you slide the rope underneath.
01:02:16Okay.
01:02:17Okay?
01:02:18Where's the colonel?
01:02:20Well, they probably put him with the other prisoners.
01:02:22How'd you get in here?
01:02:24Ninja training.
01:02:25I am poultry in motion.
01:02:27Okay.
01:02:28You ready?
01:02:29I'm gonna lift.
01:02:30Yeah, yeah.
01:02:31Okay.
01:02:32Slide.
01:02:33Okay, slide.
01:02:34Yeah.
01:02:35I'm out!
01:02:36Ow!
01:02:37Ow!
01:02:38Ow!
01:02:39Oh, private.
01:02:40Oh, private.
01:02:42Come on, private.
01:02:44Oh, private Worrell.
01:02:46Okay.
01:02:47Okay.
01:02:48Let me help you.
01:02:49We'll pull up.
01:02:50Ready?
01:02:51Okay.
01:02:52Come on!
01:02:53Okay.
01:02:54Oh, no.
01:02:55Oh, no.
01:02:56Oh, no.
01:02:57Pull me back.
01:02:58Okay.
01:02:59Quiet.
01:03:00Hey, come on.
01:03:02Hey, come on.
01:03:04No.
01:03:05Have a wall.
01:03:06The wall.
01:03:07Oh, the wall.
01:03:08No, I can get it.
01:03:09No, I can get it.
01:03:10No, I can get it.
01:03:11Let me...
01:03:12Ah!
01:03:13Ah!
01:03:14Ah!
01:03:15Hurry!
01:03:16Don't let them escape!
01:03:17Get them!
01:03:18Get them!
01:03:19Get them!
01:03:20Oh, you moron!
01:03:21I can get blown it now.
01:03:23Find the way out.
01:03:24Hurry!
01:03:25Open it!
01:03:26Look out.
01:03:27I think I broke a nail.
01:03:28Oh, please, Ernest.
01:03:34You told me!
01:03:36Ah!
01:03:37Try that way.
01:03:38Doesn't this hurt your knees?
01:03:39No!
01:03:40Stop being such a sissy.
01:03:41Let's go!
01:03:42Ah!
01:03:43Ah!
01:03:44Ah!
01:03:45No.
01:03:46Try over here.
01:03:47Ah!
01:03:48Ah!
01:03:49Ah!
01:03:50Ah!
01:03:51Ah!
01:03:52Ya!
01:03:53No.
01:03:54How about this way?
01:03:56OK, look.
01:03:57We'll just have to bring it.
01:04:00Keep your head up real high.
01:04:01OK.
01:04:02Ernest, you coward!
01:04:04Get up!
01:04:07Ow!
01:04:10I can't.
01:04:14Move it!
01:04:15Let's go!
01:04:17We're in honor! They're still moving!
01:04:25Okay, let's go.
01:04:30Where the hell are they?
01:04:33Spread out the guards from the Americans!
01:04:41Shh!
01:04:43Help us, please. Please, help us.
01:04:47No problem. I'll have you out here in a jiffy.
01:04:56Oh, thank you. Thank you. Allah be praised.
01:05:00You have saved us.
01:05:02You must be the great American warrior of the prophecy.
01:05:05Oh, shucks. There was nothing.
01:05:06You must have me confused with some other great American warrior of prophecy.
01:05:12The guards!
01:05:13Come on, let's go!
01:05:16Come on, let's go!
01:05:17All right.
01:05:18No!
01:05:39Come on! You're shooting real bullets!
01:05:41Not real bullets!
01:05:42I'll go first. Cover me.
01:05:43Warhol!
01:05:44Come back here!
01:05:45Wait!
01:05:46Wait, Ernest!
01:05:47Fire!
01:05:48Fire!
01:06:03Ladies first.
01:06:04Okay, come on.
01:06:05Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on, Ernest! Let's go! Let's go!
01:06:08Let's go, let's go!
01:06:10Come on, let's go!
01:06:17Kill them.
01:06:19Take no presents.
01:06:25We made it, Rebs!
01:06:26Yes. We made it.
01:06:27We did it.
01:06:29Oh, look, they've got Colonel Gullet.
01:06:32We've got to go back.
01:06:33Are you crazy? We can't go back in.
01:06:35Look, you go on ahead. I've got to go back in for the Colonel.
01:06:37No, we can go get help. We don't have to.
01:06:39You don't understand.
01:06:41Sarge said in the Army you've got to watch out for your buddy.
01:06:43And Colonel Gullet's my buddy, even though he is a Colonel.
01:06:46Ernest.
01:06:47What we need is a plan.
01:06:52How about an escort?
01:06:53Nah, too small. We need at least a Humvee.
01:06:55Ernest, Ernest!
01:06:57Oh, that kind of escort?
01:06:59Hi, fellas.
01:07:00Okay.
01:07:01Ouch.
01:07:02Ow!
01:07:07My lips.
01:07:08He peeled easy.
01:07:09This is General Lincoln.
01:07:10Commenced the bombing on Operation Sand Trap.
01:07:12First bird's up at 1800 hours.
01:07:14Whiskey Alpha Bravo.
01:07:15My indecision is final.
01:07:16Cut.
01:07:17You were terrific, General.
01:07:18Terrific.
01:07:19All right, now let's take some black and white stills.
01:07:20I think that would look more authentic.
01:07:21Oh, Barnes.
01:07:22I don't look so good in black and white.
01:07:23We can airbrush them.
01:07:25First bird's up at 1,800 hours.
01:07:27Whiskey Alpha Bravo.
01:07:28My indecision is final.
01:07:31Cut.
01:07:33You were terrific, General. Terrific.
01:07:35All right, now let's take some black and white stills.
01:07:37I think that would look more authentic.
01:07:39Oh, Barnes, I don't look so good in black and white.
01:07:42We can airbrush them.
01:07:45Oh.
01:07:48You know, they say every man has a bullet with his name on it.
01:07:52Here's mine. See, Ernest?
01:07:54I figure as long as this is in my pocket, nobody can shoot me with it.
01:07:58Oh, great Ernest.
01:08:00Don't tell him I've got it, okay?
01:08:01Done.
01:08:17DeFoodie, you're gonna get in big trouble for this.
01:08:20I'm a noncombatant. I'm a member of the press.
01:08:23Yeah, I'm a noncombatant too. I'm in the reserves.
01:08:26The barbarians think they can send an infidel into my camp to destroy my plans.
01:08:31Who do they think you are? Rambo?
01:08:34Well, close.
01:08:36Ready!
01:08:38Aim!
01:08:39Hold it.
01:08:40Don't we get a last meal?
01:08:41Yeah.
01:08:42I could sure go for a pizza.
01:08:43Pepperoni, sausage, extra cheese, black olives, no anchovies.
01:08:46Maybe some chocolate chips.
01:08:48Ready!
01:08:49Aim!
01:08:50Hey!
01:08:51Hey!
01:08:52I could use my last phone call to call for a pizza.
01:08:54They could be here in 30 minutes. Look, we could all pitch in. I've got tip money.
01:08:58No pizza!
01:09:01Ready!
01:09:03What about a blindfold?
01:09:05No blindfold.
01:09:06What kind of a Jake Legg outfit is this? No last meal, no phone call, no blindfold.
01:09:13No budget.
01:09:14Oh.
01:09:15Well, I bet none of you have ever even shot anybody.
01:09:18Kibbe shot a man in the foot last year.
01:09:21It was an accident, Mr. President, for life. I have such feelings of guilt.
01:09:26Act like a man!
01:09:29Any other requests?
01:09:31Yeah.
01:09:32Let me go!
01:09:38Hey!
01:09:39Hey!
01:09:40What's going on here?
01:09:41Ready!
01:09:42Aim!
01:09:43Where are you going?
01:09:45Here we go, ladies!
01:09:46Come on, Ernest!
01:09:49Ernest!
01:09:50Ernest!
01:09:51Let's go!
01:09:54Get in, Ernest!
01:09:55Go, Ernest!
01:09:56Go!
01:09:57Get in, get in!
01:09:58Get in!
01:09:59Come on, Ernest!
01:10:01Hit the gas!
01:10:02This is a job for army people.
01:10:05Oh, come on, come on!
01:10:06Let's just go, go!
01:10:08Let's move it!
01:10:16Kibbe!
01:10:17Where is my missile?
01:10:18Where is my pluton missile?
01:10:19I...
01:10:20I think it has been removed, Excellency.
01:10:21Bring me my desert demons!
01:10:23Oh!
01:10:24What?
01:10:25How was your시고?
01:10:26I...
01:10:27Where is my mission?
01:10:28Where is my missile?
01:10:29Where is my pluton missile?
01:10:30I...
01:10:32I think it has been removed, Excellency.
01:10:39Bring me my desert demons!
01:10:42in 30 minutes the bombs will begin to drop and this will be your finest hour
01:11:04barnes you think those brit generals look so sophisticated because they have those
01:11:07little pencil thin mustaches excuse me sir the satellite just picked up a truck carrying
01:11:11a large missile barnes there's no greater feeling than breaking the enemy spirit that's how i met
01:11:17my wife sir the missiles headed towards us what barnes pull out the big guns scramble the fighters
01:11:24get me the navy we gotta nuke that missile now before they get any closer yes sir oh boy barnes
01:11:35barnes
01:11:37we're home stop this truck get me down up here
01:11:42which way did we go hit for the dunes which one the white one the white one
01:11:47eeny meeny miny one potato two potato any one potato are you sure it's not meeny two potato
01:11:52oh no any one potato
01:11:54god get them get away
01:11:56give it
01:11:57earnest we're gonna get stuck in this stuff
01:12:04nah i used to be a mailman in michigan
01:12:08what are you doing you're the press you're supposed to be non-combative
01:12:19to foodie precedent for life broke the rules first now is this semi-automatic or full rock and roll
01:12:23shoot
01:12:26one down more bananas
01:12:39i'm out of shells give me another clip
01:12:54hang on colonel gullet
01:12:59look out okay watch the dip bernice
01:13:04base camp here we come
01:13:08happy to report pluton missile moves to karifistan border
01:13:16it seems interceptor is delivering as promised
01:13:20soon world powers will be emptying their bank accounts into our coffers
01:13:26no
01:13:37ernest
01:13:37ernest
01:13:38ernest
01:13:39turn around and go back
01:13:40you can't go through there
01:13:42this is no time to stop and admire the view
01:13:44rock mines
01:13:46oh we're trapped
01:13:48not yet we're not what are you doing what i do best are you crazy get me down from here
01:13:57now we're getting closer put them foot into the corner gibbie we're going to get them
01:14:04they won't get away
01:14:06he said he's been a prisoner of two foodies and that the pluton bomb is now in the hands of the great american warrior
01:14:12i thought i was a great american warrior well you are sir this is just someone claiming to be oh an imposter
01:14:17i'm sure there's nothing to it well let's check it out
01:14:19there's not room in this desert for two great american warriors
01:14:23is this the man
01:14:28yes sir
01:14:29oh your excellency
01:14:31i i am so happy and honored that you would see me
01:14:35i bring great news
01:14:36you said an american has the pluton missile
01:14:38oh yes
01:14:39and he's bringing it to you
01:14:41oh he's such a great warrior
01:14:43is anyone with him
01:14:44uh a u.n. colonel
01:14:46and a woman
01:14:47pierre
01:14:48ah
01:14:49come on come on
01:14:50listen listen listen listen
01:14:53we'd better call off that carpet bombing before they take out that pluton missile
01:14:58well what's wrong with that
01:14:59because we want to capture it
01:15:02and take all the credit for ourselves
01:15:04oh
01:15:05i think this was his first conflict
01:15:09ernest
01:15:12ernest
01:15:13what do you think you're doing
01:15:14come on ernest
01:15:17are you crazy
01:15:20get me down from here
01:15:22you fool ernest
01:15:24put that thing down
01:15:26you'll have us all killed
01:15:27okay
01:15:28just keep the gas steady
01:15:30okay here we go
01:15:32stop this thing
01:15:34move it give me move it
01:15:35they're getting away
01:15:37look out ernest here they come
01:15:40hurry hurry
01:15:41nice one
01:15:43this is a whole lot easier without clubbers trying to bob you with a six iron
01:15:49here they come on
01:15:50here they come on
01:15:51here they come on
01:15:52yeah
01:15:53yeah
01:15:54my heart
01:15:54he's unbelievable
01:15:55i believe you do it all along
01:15:57faster give me faster
01:15:59how about a double dip
01:16:00assorted flavor
01:16:03here you go
01:16:05nice one ernest
01:16:08you fool
01:16:09ernest faster faster
01:16:13come on come on
01:16:15you got the poop
01:16:22you got the scoop
01:16:23i got the scoop
01:16:25up
01:16:26and this guy can't take a hit
01:16:37he be moving
01:16:39they're getting away
01:16:41delta bravo one niner abort sortie abort sortie
01:16:44roger hq we're heading home
01:16:47This way. This way.
01:16:53Where are you going?
01:16:56Stop now.
01:16:57Where are you?
01:16:58Where are you?
01:17:02Get me down.
01:17:04No.
01:17:06Stop.
01:17:13There he is.
01:17:14His house now.
01:17:17Ernest, don't.
01:17:20Get out of there.
01:17:23Come on, Turfruity.
01:17:24Give us your best shot.
01:17:26You have been very troublesome for me.
01:17:29But now I am rid of you.
01:17:33Duck. Duck, Ernest.
01:17:37Oh, no.
01:17:38No.
01:17:39No, no, no, no.
01:17:40No.
01:17:40No.
01:17:41It's only a rock, Excellency.
01:17:55Goodbye, great American warrior.
01:17:58Excellency, you are damaged for life.
01:18:11What a shot.
01:18:21You have defeated the beast.
01:18:23What was that you threw?
01:18:24All in a day's cooking.
01:18:26Know what I mean?
01:18:26Will somebody untie me?
01:18:28Oh, I'm sorry, Colonel.
01:18:30You.
01:18:31I'll just lower this hydropon.
01:18:35Get me off here.
01:18:36Loosen those on the bottom, Ben.
01:18:38It's better.
01:18:39Good.
01:18:40Don't worry, Colonel.
01:18:41I'll have you loose in a minute.
01:18:43Yeah, but I'll try it too.
01:18:46There you go.
01:18:46Now move away from this missile or the boy meets a la prematurely.
01:18:57Interceptor confirms capture.
01:18:58Rendezvous at sector C-12.
01:19:00Interceptor seeks confirmation.
01:19:03Confirm his deposit of 100 million U.S. dollars into his Swiss bank account.
01:19:09Dispatch a unit to pick up the Pluton missile when he crosses the Kerivistan border.
01:19:17Ezboir commands.
01:19:22Bank account number 639-736-412-12.
01:19:26Code name interceptor.
01:19:28Confirm bank deposits.
01:19:30Done.
01:19:31I can't believe you can be such a traitor, Gullet.
01:19:33It's just business.
01:19:34Now move away from this missile.
01:19:35Look, you can keep the missile.
01:19:37Just let the boy go.
01:19:38The boy goes with me.
01:19:40Let the boy go, Gullet.
01:19:43What do you want with a Pluton missile?
01:19:45Soon I'll be in a world where idiots like you are outlawed.
01:19:49Living the good life.
01:19:50Goodbye, Ernest.
01:19:51Thanks for the ride.
01:19:53Stop, man.
01:19:56Oh, Ernest!
01:19:57Sorry!
01:20:01The ropes, Ernest!
01:20:02The ropes!
01:20:06This is gonna hurt.
01:20:08I'm sure glad that isn't me.
01:20:16Oh.
01:20:17Oh.
01:20:20There they are.
01:20:20Keep it rolling, Lloyd.
01:20:22Stop here.
01:20:22The light's good.
01:20:23Give me a close-up on the girl.
01:20:27What have you done with my missile, private?
01:20:28General, it's been neutralized.
01:20:30You should be pinning a medal on Ernest.
01:20:32Oh.
01:20:33Yeah, well, I will.
01:20:35I'm gonna.
01:20:35Put a whole chest full of medals on him.
01:20:37Good work, soldier.
01:20:39General, be careful what you promise, sir.
01:20:41Shut up, Barnes.
01:20:42You're fired.
01:20:44How am I doing, Lloyd?
01:20:45Ernest!
01:20:47Hey, Ernest!
01:20:51Way to go, buddy.
01:20:57Ben, you're not...
01:20:58I'm fine.
01:20:59I'm fine.
01:20:59I just gotta lay off the poor crimes.
01:21:01Ernest, in my book, you're Army people.
01:21:05Army people.
01:21:05I'm Frank Williams, INNI, European Division.
01:21:10Oh.
01:21:10I believe that you have all the inside details.
01:21:13Tell me, what would it take for INNI to get an exclusive?
01:21:17Oh, well, uh, how long did you say you've been in your job?
01:21:24Ben Ali?
01:21:27Ben Ali!
01:21:28Ben Ali!
01:21:29Abbey!
01:21:30Abbey!
01:21:31Abbey, Grace, it is my son.
01:21:33My son!
01:21:34My son!
01:21:35Abbey!
01:21:37My son!
01:21:38Abbey!
01:21:40I thought I'd lost you forever.
01:21:45Well, I guess the Gesh watch arm really does bring good luck.
01:21:49The good luck is that you are the great American warrior.
01:21:54Wait a minute, Ben.
01:21:55You can't keep the great American warrior to yourself.
01:21:58I have some unfinished business with them.
01:22:01What is this?
01:22:11Oh, sorry.
01:22:12My lips peel easily.
01:22:14Oh.
01:22:22Cindy, Cindy.
01:22:24Go away, Ernest.
01:22:26How about coming over and making some pancakes?
01:22:28No, I'm grossed out.
01:22:30No, really, I make the best pancakes in the whole world.
01:22:32Ernest, I have one word for you.
01:22:34Lit bomb!
01:22:35And so it came, as the years passed, that Ben Ali became a great leader of the Arab world
01:22:42and brought peace to the war-torn land.
01:22:46And on every public building and street sign, a small, barely visible inscription read,
01:22:53Stick by your body.
01:22:54Stick by your body.
01:22:56Know what I mean?
01:22:58Let's go to Stan.
01:22:59Really?
01:22:59Let's go.
01:22:59So it?
01:23:00Get right.
01:23:03Yes!
01:23:04Yes!
01:23:04Yeah!
01:23:08The car bore sounds like, oh-
01:23:09See?
01:23:09Yeah!
01:23:10Yeah!
01:23:11Well, you're bad.
01:23:13I'm Hall.
01:23:13Well, see you next time.
01:23:16I'm sure you've all been raised, goodomics, boys.
01:23:17Well, don't fill me up.
01:23:17Be good!
01:23:19I'm sure you've missed a year.
01:23:20So you're still on but nobody's on.
01:23:22Go to be board, mate!
01:23:23And see you on the list list of somebody.
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