- 6 weeks ago
Love and D3ath (1975) is a witty and charming comedy film that cleverly combines romance, satire, and philosophical humor. The story follows a young man navigating love, personal dilemmas, and humorous situations during an adventurous journey. Starring Woody Allen and Diane Keaton,This Movie is celebrated for its clever dialogue, engaging performances, and playful storytelling. This classic film offers an entertaining and lighthearted cinematic experience for audiences who enjoy character-driven comedies and clever humor.
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00:00:00You
00:00:30You
00:01:00You
00:01:30You
00:01:52How I got into this predicament, I'll never know.
00:01:55Absolutely incredible.
00:01:57To be executed for a crime I never committed.
00:02:01Of course, isn't all mankind in the same boat?
00:02:04Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed?
00:02:08The difference is that all men go eventually, but I go 6 o'clock tomorrow morning.
00:02:13I was supposed to go at 5 o'clock, but I have a smart lawyer.
00:02:16Got leniency.
00:02:18I have a tremendous yearning to be young again.
00:02:21A boy.
00:02:23Such happy memories at our summer house.
00:02:26Uncle Nikolai with his wonderful laugh.
00:02:37God, he was repulsive.
00:02:39Then there was grandpa and grandma who had been married for 50 years and still felt as deeply about one another as the day they met.
00:02:46And my own father, a handsome and generous man.
00:02:52In addition to our summer and winter estate, he owned a valuable piece of land.
00:02:56True, it was a small piece, but he carried it with him wherever he went.
00:03:00Dimitri Pietrovich, I would like to buy your land.
00:03:06This land is not for sale.
00:03:09Someday I hope to build on it.
00:03:13He was an idiot, but I loved him.
00:03:16Then there was mother who made the most delicious blintzes in the world.
00:03:23Of course, there was old Gregor and his son, young Gregor.
00:03:26Oddly enough, young Gregor's son was older than old Gregor.
00:03:29Nobody could figure out how that happened.
00:03:31My two brothers, Ivan and Mikael, used to play amusing little games.
00:03:36But I had a completely different concept of myself as a child.
00:03:42My first experience with death was with one of our serfs, Old Nahamkin.
00:03:48Old Nahamkin was on the roof putting up a lightning rod when a storm broke out.
00:03:54After he failed to show up for dinner, mother went to look for him.
00:03:57What is it, Old Nahamkin? You are not looking well. Are you okay?
00:04:03You feel all right?
00:04:05We laid Old Nahamkin to rest, and that night I had a strange and vivid dream.
00:04:27I knew that after that dream, I would not grow up to be an ordinary man.
00:04:38I had many conversations with Father Nicolai, who was always dressed in black with a black beard.
00:04:44For years, I thought he was an Italian widow.
00:04:46Every action has a cause. The universe exists, therefore it has a cause.
00:04:50It follows God created the universe, therefore he exists.
00:04:54And yet Spinoza didn't believe in the Holy Trinity.
00:04:57Spinoza was a Jew.
00:04:58What's a Jew?
00:04:59You never saw a Jew.
00:05:01Here, I have some sketches.
00:05:05There are Jews.
00:05:07No kidding!
00:05:09They all have these horns?
00:05:11No, this is the Russian Jew.
00:05:13The German Jew has these stripes.
00:05:15I recall my first mystical vision.
00:05:18I was walking through the woods thinking about Christ.
00:05:21If he was a carpenter, I wondered what he charged for bookshelves.
00:05:25Suddenly...
00:05:27Who are you?
00:05:28Death.
00:05:30What happens after we die?
00:05:32Is there a hell?
00:05:34Is there a God?
00:05:36Do we live again?
00:05:38All right.
00:05:40Let me ask one key question.
00:05:43Are there girls?
00:05:45You're an interesting young man.
00:05:47We'll meet again.
00:05:49Don't bother.
00:05:51It's no bother.
00:05:54I grew to full manhood.
00:05:56Actually 5'6", which is technically not full manhood in Russia, but you can still own property.
00:06:01Over 5'3", you can own land. Under 5'3", you need special permission from the Tsar.
00:06:15We were three healthy men. My brother Ivan, my brother Mikhail, and myself.
00:06:36Finally, there was my cousin Sonia. In addition to being the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, she was one of the few people I could have deep conversations with.
00:06:56Boris, look at this leaf. Isn't it perfect? And this one? Look. Oh, yeah. Yes, I definitely think that this is the best of all possible worlds.
00:07:09It's certainly the most expensive.
00:07:12Isn't nature incredible?
00:07:14To me, nature is, you know, I don't know, spiders and bugs and big fish eating little fish and plants eating bad plants and animals eating. It's like an enormous restaurant. That's the way I see it.
00:07:26Yes, but if God created it, it has to be beautiful, even if his plants not appear to us at the moment.
00:07:33Sonia, what if there is no God?
00:07:36Boris Dimitrovich, are you joking?
00:07:39What if we're just a bunch of absurd people who are running around with no rhyme or reason?
00:07:44But if there is no God, then life has no meaning. Why go on living? Why not just commit suicide?
00:07:50Well, let's not get hysterical. I could be wrong. I'd hate to blow my brains out and then read in the papers they found something.
00:07:56Boris, let me show you how absurd your position is.
00:08:00All right, let's say that there is no God and each man is free to do exactly as he chooses.
00:08:05Well, well, what prevents you from murdering somebody?
00:08:08Well, murder's immoral.
00:08:10Immorality is subjective.
00:08:12Yes, but subjectivity is objective.
00:08:14Not in an irrational scheme of perception.
00:08:16Perception is irrational. It implies imminence.
00:08:18But judgment of any system or a priori relation of phenomena exists in any rational or metaphysical or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstract and empirical concept such as being or to be or to occur in the thing itself or of the thing itself.
00:08:33Yeah, I've said that many times.
00:08:36Boris, we must believe in God.
00:08:40If I could just see a miracle, just one miracle, if I could see a burning bush or the sea's pod or my Uncle Sasha pick up a check.
00:08:53We should go back downstairs.
00:08:56By now the last golden streaks of the sunset are vanishing behind the western hills.
00:09:03Soon the dark blanket of night shall settle over us all.
00:09:06Hey, you've been going to finishing school.
00:09:12Hey, are you, uh, are you dating any Russians I should know about?
00:09:17Well, Minskov has proposed, and he's very sweet and wealthy, but the age difference is too great. I'm 28 and he's 81.
00:09:25Oh, that is big.
00:09:27When I'm 50, he'll be, uh, 103.
00:09:30That's a bad age for men. They slow up a lot.
00:09:31Oh, and Volskovic has made his intentions clear, but he deals in herring, and he always smells of herring.
00:09:37Do you know he even bought me herring scented cologne?
00:09:40Really? That's probably where the cat follows you around.
00:09:43Love is everything, Boris.
00:09:45I want to meet some man and scale the heights of passion.
00:09:49Some man who embodies the three great aspects of love.
00:09:53Intellectual, spiritual, and sensual.
00:09:56Well, there's not too many of us around, but it can be done.
00:10:01So many women settle cheaply.
00:10:03I know, poor things.
00:10:04They marry for money.
00:10:06Money. Well, money.
00:10:08But I tell you, I feel as though my life would be wasted if I didn't love deeply with a man whose mind I respected, whose spirituality equaled mine, and who had the same, oh, lustful appetite for sensual passion that drives me insane.
00:10:23You're an incredibly complex woman.
00:10:26I guess you could say I'm half saint, half whore.
00:10:30You're just hoping I get the half that eats.
00:10:33Boris.
00:10:34Yes?
00:10:35I have a confession to make.
00:10:36Yes?
00:10:38Ever since you and I were little children, I've been in love with your brother, Yvonne.
00:10:44Let's call him that.
00:10:46Yvonne?
00:10:47You're kidding.
00:10:48He can barely write his name on the ground with a stick.
00:10:50He has true animal magnetism.
00:10:53Animal magnetism?
00:10:54All that talk about some perfect love and you're hot for Yvonne?
00:10:56He kissed me.
00:10:57Any place I should know?
00:10:58It warmed the cockles of my heart.
00:11:00That's just great.
00:11:01Nothing like hot cockles.
00:11:03I think he's going to ask me to marry him.
00:11:05But he's a gambler and a drinker.
00:11:06He's got a Neanderthal mentality.
00:11:08Don't get me wrong.
00:11:09I love him like a brother.
00:11:10Just not one of mine.
00:11:12You hear that commotion?
00:11:13What is that going on downstairs?
00:11:16Have you heard the news?
00:11:17Napoleon has invaded Austria.
00:11:19Why? Is he out of Carvoisier?
00:11:20At last.
00:11:21A chance to taste the glories of battle.
00:11:23Well, check with you when it's over.
00:11:24I'll be in the game room.
00:11:25No, Boris.
00:11:26You're going to fight.
00:11:27I'm going to fight?
00:11:28You're going to have your head examined.
00:11:29We leave the day after tomorrow.
00:11:32Fellas, I'm a pacifist.
00:11:33I don't believe in war.
00:11:34He doesn't believe in war, eh?
00:11:37Napoleon, eh?
00:11:38He believes in war.
00:11:40What are you going to do when the French soldiers rape your sister?
00:11:43I don't have a sister.
00:11:44That's no answer.
00:11:45Well, who are they going to rape?
00:11:46Yvonne?
00:11:47They'll throw up.
00:11:48Don't disgrace me in front of my friends!
00:11:50What good is war?
00:11:51We kill a few Frenchmen.
00:11:52They kill a few Russians.
00:11:53Next thing you know, it's Easter.
00:11:54Boris, you can't be serious.
00:11:55You're talking about Mother Russia.
00:11:57She's not my mother.
00:11:58My mother's standing right here, and she's not going to let her youngest baby get shrapnel
00:12:01in his gums.
00:12:02Get away from me!
00:12:03I can't believe what I'm seeing.
00:12:06Our brother has a yellow streak down his back.
00:12:09No, it's not down.
00:12:10Runs across.
00:12:11Boris, you're a coward.
00:12:12Yes, but I'm a militant coward.
00:12:13Boris.
00:12:14Meathers.
00:12:15We get meathers.
00:12:16Take it easy, Yvonne.
00:12:18You've got to cut down on your raw meat.
00:12:20He'll go and he'll fight.
00:12:22And I hope they will put him in the front lines.
00:12:26Thanks a lot, Mom.
00:12:27My mother, folks.
00:12:29This is crazy.
00:12:31I can't shoot a gun.
00:12:33I was meant to write poetry.
00:12:34Sonia, I'm not the army type.
00:12:35I slept with a light on in my room till I was 30.
00:12:38I can't shower with other men.
00:12:40Friends!
00:12:41My friends!
00:12:43On the eve of this glorious occasion, I have an announcement to make.
00:12:49Because we go into battle.
00:12:52Perhaps never to see our loved ones again.
00:12:55I wish to announce that tomorrow I intend to marry.
00:12:59I'm going to take as my bride a woman I have grown up with.
00:13:05Anna Ivanova.
00:13:11Yvonne.
00:13:12I'm sorry.
00:13:13I should have told you.
00:13:18I also have an announcement to make.
00:13:20Tomorrow I, too, get married.
00:13:23Yes.
00:13:24Yes, I have been proposed to and have accepted the hand of Sergei Ivanovich Minskov.
00:13:30Oh!
00:13:31Yes.
00:13:32I mean, uh, Leonid Voskovic, the herring merchant.
00:13:43Thank you, guys.
00:13:45Aandасьit.
00:13:46And it was.
00:13:48I was at her.
00:13:49Thank you, guys.
00:13:51I was at her and out.
00:13:52Come back.
00:13:53I can do it.
00:13:54I can do it.
00:13:56I can do it.
00:13:57You know what?
00:13:58I can do it.
00:14:00I can do it.
00:14:01Yeah, I can do it.
00:14:02I can do it.
00:14:03I can do it.
00:14:04I can do it.
00:14:05I have a great thing.
00:14:06I can do it.
00:14:07It's okay.
00:14:08It's okay.
00:14:09You can be a little bit.
00:14:10I can't do it.
00:14:41You! Get out of here!
00:15:05You're the worst soldier I've ever seen!
00:15:08You ignoramus!
00:15:12Ignoramus, sir.
00:15:12You want a dishonorable discharge?
00:15:14Yes, sir. Either that or a furlough.
00:15:16God damn you! You love Russia, don't you?
00:15:19Yes, sir.
00:15:19Louder!
00:15:20Yes, sir!
00:15:21You like it here, don't you?
00:15:22Yes, sir!
00:15:23You want to make a career out of the army, don't you?
00:15:25Well, let's not get carried away.
00:15:27From now on, you'll clean the mess all and the latrine!
00:15:29Yes, sir. How will I tell the difference?
00:15:32Okay.
00:15:33One, two!
00:15:34One, two!
00:15:35One, two!
00:15:36Yeah, three is next, if you're having any trouble.
00:15:38One, three is next, if you're having any trouble.
00:16:08One, two!
00:16:08Naturally, the war affects the herring industry.
00:16:32The ports are blockaded, and fresh shipments of the herring become more difficult to obtain.
00:16:37And of course, when something hurts herring, it hurts me.
00:16:42You see, what people don't understand is that there are hundreds of types of herring,
00:16:48each with its own interesting history.
00:16:52Sonia, are you okay?
00:16:57Oh, yes.
00:16:59But I've talked long enough.
00:17:01Why don't you two play as I have got some important business to attend to?
00:17:07Hey, careful, it's right here.
00:17:11Ready?
00:17:12And a one, and a two, and.
00:17:15You stopped.
00:17:16What would you think if I told you you were one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen?
00:17:22I'd think.
00:17:23What a mad fool he is.
00:17:24And what would you say if I suddenly put my arms around you?
00:17:27I'd think.
00:17:28What a mad, impetuous fool he is.
00:17:32And what would you think if I kissed you?
00:17:33I'd think what a mad, impetuous, wonderful fool he is.
00:17:37Don't.
00:17:38I must.
00:17:39We just ate.
00:17:40Hey, your skin.
00:17:41It is so beautiful.
00:17:42Yes, I know.
00:17:43It covers my whole body.
00:17:44I must have you.
00:17:45No, no, not here.
00:17:46Not on the piano.
00:17:47It's a rented piano.
00:17:48It's a rented piano.
00:17:49It's a rented piano.
00:17:50And what would you say if I suddenly put my arms around you?
00:17:51I'd think.
00:17:52What a mad, impetuous fool he is.
00:17:53And what would you think if I kissed you?
00:17:56I'd think what a mad, impetuous, wonderful fool he is.
00:17:59Don't.
00:18:00I must.
00:18:01We just ate.
00:18:02Your skin.
00:18:03It is so beautiful.
00:18:04Yes, I know.
00:18:05It covers my whole body.
00:18:06I must have you.
00:18:07No, no, not here.
00:18:08Not on the piano.
00:18:09It's a rented piano.
00:18:10Darling, my darling.
00:18:11Sonia.
00:18:12Sonia.
00:18:13Did you see a jar of wine sauce?
00:18:17Come to my quarters tomorrow about three.
00:18:19I can't.
00:18:20I can't.
00:18:21I can't.
00:18:22I can't.
00:18:23I can't.
00:18:24I can't.
00:18:25I can't.
00:18:26I can't.
00:18:27I can't.
00:18:28I can't.
00:18:29Please.
00:18:30It's immoral.
00:18:31What time?
00:18:32So who is to say what is moral?
00:18:34Morality is subjective.
00:18:36Subjectivity is objective.
00:18:38Moral notions imply attributes to substances which exist only in relational duality.
00:18:43Not as an essential extension of ontological existence.
00:18:47Can we not talk about sex so much?
00:18:50I'm terribly sorry.
00:18:52You'd better go.
00:18:53Sonia, please.
00:18:54Sonia, darling.
00:19:02Man.
00:19:03Next week, we leave for the front.
00:19:05The object will be to kill as many Frenchmen as possible.
00:19:09Naturally, they are going to try and kill as many Russians as possible.
00:19:14If we kill more Frenchmen, we win.
00:19:17If they kill more Russians, they win.
00:19:21What do we win?
00:19:22What do we win, Private?
00:19:23Imagine your loved ones conquered by Napoleon and forced to live under French rule.
00:19:34Do you want them to eat that rich food and those heavy sauces?
00:19:38No.
00:19:39No.
00:19:40No.
00:19:41No.
00:19:42Do you want them to have soufflé every meal and croissant?
00:19:43No.
00:19:44No.
00:19:45No.
00:19:46No.
00:19:47No.
00:19:48No.
00:19:49No.
00:19:50No.
00:19:51No.
00:19:52No.
00:19:53No.
00:19:54No.
00:19:55No.
00:19:56No.
00:19:57No.
00:19:58No.
00:19:59No.
00:20:00No.
00:20:01No.
00:20:02No.
00:20:03No.
00:20:04No.
00:20:05What's the sore on my lip?
00:20:07I better see the doctor.
00:20:10Doc, I have the sore on my lip.
00:20:12You have a social disease, my friend.
00:20:14Oh, my God.
00:20:15If you do not treat it, you will go blind.
00:20:19Or insane.
00:20:24Well, man, that is the end of the play.
00:20:27Have a good time on your furlough,
00:20:29but look after yourselves.
00:20:31Well, what did you think of the play?
00:20:33Oh, I was weak, I was never interested.
00:20:35Although the part of the doctor was played with gusto
00:20:37and verve, and the girl had a delightful cameo role.
00:20:40A puckish satire of contemporary mores,
00:20:42a droll spoof ain't more at the heart than the head.
00:20:44As for me, I'm planning to spend the next three days
00:20:47in a brothel.
00:20:47Can't you come with me?
00:20:48No, no, I went to a brothel once in my life.
00:20:51I got hiccups, you know, it was over like that.
00:20:54Besides, there's someone in St. Petersburg I'd like to visit.
00:20:56Well, have fun.
00:21:02I think you'll find the magic floor.
00:21:04It is Mozart's greatest opera.
00:21:06Oh, yeah, it's a hell of an opera, isn't it?
00:21:07They sell popcorn or gumdrops or something?
00:21:09We were so delighted you decided to spend your furlough with us.
00:21:13You know, you have always been our favorite nephew,
00:21:15even though you are an incredible coward.
00:21:17Oh, thank you so much.
00:21:20Any news of cousin Sonia?
00:21:22Only that she and Vascovic are unhappy and that she takes lovers.
00:21:26She takes uppers?
00:21:28Lovers.
00:21:29Lovers.
00:21:30Lovers.
00:21:31Lovers.
00:21:32Hey, who is that?
00:21:34That's the Countess Alexandrovna, one of the most enticing women in St. Petersburg.
00:21:42Ample bosoms, yes.
00:21:44I'd say ample for a regiment.
00:21:47She's recently widowed.
00:21:48They say her husband, the Count, died in her arms trying to satisfy her prodigious sexual desires.
00:21:56No kidding.
00:21:57Died smiling, I bet.
00:21:59Who's a character with her with a wry mustache?
00:22:02That's Anton Ivanovich Lemedkov, her current lover.
00:22:06Although the way she keeps staring at you.
00:22:08Well, I'm sure I could work something out with him.
00:22:10I'd let him warm her up for a few minutes and I could come in at the end and finish her.
00:22:14You must be careful, Anton Ivanovich.
00:22:17He has a furious temper.
00:22:19Really?
00:22:20He has killed several men in jewels, all in a jealous rage over the Countess.
00:22:25Glad you mentioned it.
00:22:27Think I'll watch the opera?
00:22:40As Men in Killam mayor.
00:22:43The heazy sound of Sharks.
00:22:44PushaSavale.
00:22:45Some family's lube all over his dreams.
00:22:46How?
00:22:55Get back in love while he sees.
00:22:57How?
00:22:58And now?
00:22:59Good too many.
00:23:00The rental rental Better Reef discovered.
00:23:01I'll watch the crew cerca.
00:23:03However, though I can possibly hide.
00:23:05You want to make it a mission,
00:23:06the tune in begins.
00:23:07Theitary business moves,
00:23:08On the right now!
00:23:09Oh, there is something about Mozart.
00:23:28I think you're probably responding to his music.
00:23:32Oh, couldn't you be careful?
00:23:35Couldn't you be careful?
00:23:36I believe, I believe.
00:23:39I believe that the lobby of...
00:23:42I believe that the lobby of the St. Peter...
00:23:46Opera House is one of the most beautiful in Europe.
00:23:54Who is this attractive and mysterious soldier?
00:23:57Boris Kruschenko.
00:23:59Oh, sorry. Goose, that lady.
00:24:01He has quite a sensitive face, hasn't he?
00:24:04That's just the part of me that shows.
00:24:06Kruschenko, isn't he the young coward
00:24:08all St. Petersburg is talking about?
00:24:10Not so young. I'm 35.
00:24:12The one who is so afraid for his own safety
00:24:13that he's reluctant to defend his country.
00:24:15He is in a bad mood, isn't he?
00:24:17What's the matter? Don't you like your seats?
00:24:19You must visit me for tea someday.
00:24:21I'm sure we'd have a lot to talk about.
00:24:22It's okay with me. I'll bring the tea bags.
00:24:24You could run a quick check on your erogenous zones.
00:24:27What about the Dybbuk?
00:24:28Why do you persist in taunting me in public?
00:24:32If you so much as come near the Countess,
00:24:35I'll see that you'll never see the light of day again.
00:24:37If a man said that to me, I'd break his neck.
00:24:40I am a man.
00:24:42Well, I mean a much shorter man.
00:24:46Boris!
00:24:48Boris Dimitrovich!
00:24:50Sonia!
00:24:50Sonia!
00:24:50Look at you. You look so handsome in your uniform.
00:24:58Well, I got a perfect build for clothes.
00:25:00I'm a 28 dwarf.
00:25:01And you, Sonia, my God,
00:25:03you look more beautiful standing here
00:25:05than you do in person.
00:25:06Oh, Boris, I'm so unhappy.
00:25:08Oh, I wish you weren't.
00:25:09Boscovich and I quarrel frequently.
00:25:11I've become a scandal.
00:25:13Poor Sonia.
00:25:14For the past weeks, I've visited Saretsky in his room.
00:25:17Why? What's in his room?
00:25:19Oh.
00:25:19And before Saretsky, Alexei.
00:25:23And before Alexei, Allegorian.
00:25:25And before Allegorian, Asimov.
00:25:27Okay.
00:25:27Wait, I'm still on the A's.
00:25:29How many lovers do you have?
00:25:31In the Midtown area?
00:25:33Oh, Sonia.
00:25:34Boris, my life is ruined.
00:25:36Over.
00:25:37I can't stand Boscovich.
00:25:40He's a man whose mentality has reduced
00:25:42all the beauty of the world to a small pickled fish.
00:25:46Sonia, what you need is somebody
00:25:47to take you away from Boscovich.
00:25:48Somebody who loves you.
00:25:50Somebody who's always loved you
00:25:51and has always cared for you very deeply.
00:25:53How is your brother, Yvonne?
00:25:57Oh, Yvonne is all right.
00:26:00Yes?
00:26:01Yvonne is well?
00:26:02You know Yvonne.
00:26:03He's a tiger.
00:26:03He went through basic training in two weeks.
00:26:05They made him a major.
00:26:06And does he ever speak of me?
00:26:08Sonia, he's busy.
00:26:09Well, he must.
00:26:10He must speak of me.
00:26:11Sometimes he must.
00:26:12Take it easy, will you?
00:26:13This is army property.
00:26:15He, he, once he was sick.
00:26:17He, he was delirious.
00:26:18He called your name out.
00:26:19Really?
00:26:20Then there's hope.
00:26:22Look, tomorrow my regiment pulls out.
00:26:25We're going to the front.
00:26:26We're badly outnumbered by the French.
00:26:28There's very little chance that any of us
00:26:29will ever come back.
00:26:30Exactly what did he say about me?
00:26:33Sonia.
00:26:33Now, where'd you say you were going?
00:26:36Oh, yes.
00:26:37Oh, yes, the war.
00:26:38Well, uh, dress warmly, Boris, and have a nice time.
00:26:52The idea is not to panic and run.
00:26:55Then they shoot you in the back.
00:26:56I don't want to be trampled by a horse.
00:26:59What about you, Boris?
00:27:00Yeah, I want to be trampled by a horse.
00:27:01I don't even want to fight.
00:27:02You think there's any difference
00:27:03whether we live under the Tsar or Napoleon?
00:27:05They're both crooks.
00:27:06The Tsar's a little taller.
00:27:08So if you don't like Napoleon
00:27:10and you don't like the Tsar,
00:27:12who do you think should be running the country?
00:27:14You really want to know?
00:27:14The serfs.
00:27:15Oh, the serfs?
00:27:17That's right.
00:27:17They're the only ones who know how to do anything.
00:27:19If a fence needs putting up
00:27:20or a picture needs hanging,
00:27:21it's always the serfs.
00:27:22He wants the serfs to run the country.
00:27:25Why not the criminal element?
00:27:27Or the Jews?
00:27:29Well, some Jews are smart.
00:27:30Although I hear their women
00:27:31don't believe in sex after marriage.
00:27:33Are you married, Boris?
00:27:35Me, no.
00:27:35You got a sweetheart?
00:27:37No, no.
00:27:38I'm in love with a girl.
00:27:39She's married to someone
00:27:40and she's in love with someone
00:27:41and he's married.
00:27:42It's a real healthy situation.
00:27:44Hey, look, Boris.
00:27:45Look, look.
00:27:46What do you got there?
00:27:47I got a lock of my wife's hair.
00:27:49A lock of her hair?
00:27:51Gee, she's probably running around bald.
00:27:53Don't drop it.
00:27:54Don't drop it.
00:27:55You got a lock of your sweetheart's hair?
00:27:57No, my sweetheart's married.
00:27:58I got a lock of her husband's hair.
00:28:00It's the best I could do.
00:28:06Boy, this army cooking
00:28:08will get you every time.
00:28:10See, it's Vijinsky.
00:28:11He was from my village.
00:28:13He was the village, isn't he?
00:28:14Yeah, what'd you do?
00:28:15Place?
00:28:16Oh, God is testing us.
00:28:20He's going to test us.
00:28:21Why doesn't he give us a written?
00:28:22He's going to test us.
00:28:52He's going to test us.
00:28:53He's going to test us.
00:28:54He's going to test us.
00:28:55He's going to test us.
00:28:56He's going to test us.
00:29:01Wow, that looks completely different when you're in the middle of it than it does to the generals up on the hill.
00:29:22Hey, get your red hearts.
00:29:31Yeah, you got anything to drink?
00:29:33No, no, the guy with the beer will be around in a second.
00:29:35Hey, fella, you got something small in that?
00:29:37I just started.
00:29:38We started the battle with 12,000 men.
00:30:02When it was over, we had 14 survivors.
00:30:06We got a message from the Tsar saying, keep up the good work.
00:30:09That night, as I was burying bodies, I had another mystical experience.
00:30:14Mercifully, God was on our side.
00:30:16Yeah, I'm sure things could have gone a lot worse if he wasn't.
00:30:19Might have rained.
00:30:20Grushenko.
00:30:22Vladimir Maksimovich, you're alive.
00:30:25No, I'm dead.
00:30:26Look at this hole.
00:30:27Oh, does it hurt?
00:30:29I feel nothing.
00:30:30Man, you don't look so bad for a guy who's dead.
00:30:32Actually, better than when you're alive.
00:30:34I think it agrees with you.
00:30:35So do me a favor.
00:30:36Sure, anything.
00:30:37This engagement ring.
00:30:38Uh-huh.
00:30:39I was going to give it to my girlfriend, the surprise.
00:30:41Oh, you want me to give it to her?
00:30:42No, what's the point?
00:30:44I'll take it back to the jewelers in Smolensk.
00:30:46Right.
00:30:47Petrosznik, Vladimir Petrosznik.
00:30:48Okay.
00:30:49Tell him I'm dead and get the deposit back.
00:30:51Oh, okay, sure.
00:30:51What'd you give him for this?
00:30:531,600 rubles.
00:30:54For this, you gave him 1,600 rubles.
00:30:56Well, look, there's this diamond here.
00:30:58There's two little baguettes there.
00:30:59This is insane.
00:31:00I could have gotten you this ring for 1,200.
00:31:01Not this.
00:31:02Same ring with the baguettes.
00:31:03Never that ring.
00:31:03The exact same ring.
00:31:04Never.
00:31:05Listen, anyway, listen.
00:31:07Take the deposit.
00:31:08Go to Kiev.
00:31:09Right.
00:31:10Give it to a woman named Natasha Petrovna.
00:31:13Right, okay.
00:31:13Get a receipt.
00:31:14Make sure you get a receipt.
00:31:16What do you need a receipt?
00:31:17You're dead.
00:31:17Tax purposes.
00:31:19Oh, good thinking.
00:31:22What happened?
00:31:23He was cleaning his pistol and it went off.
00:31:26The bullet has lodged in his heart.
00:31:28Is it serious?
00:31:29With proper medical care, it could last another 10 minutes.
00:31:35Why?
00:31:36Why were you cleaning your pistol?
00:31:37I was going to fight a duel to defend your honor.
00:31:44A Turkish cavalry officer cast aspersions on it.
00:31:48He said you were sleeping around.
00:31:51I knew he was lying.
00:31:53That you were pure.
00:31:55Yes, well, uh, I mean, I know I could have been a better wife to you, kinder.
00:32:13I could have made love with you more often, or once even.
00:32:16Once would have been nice.
00:32:19You were a kind and loving husband.
00:32:23Generous and always considerate.
00:32:26What's he got, about eight minutes?
00:32:28I think I'm slow.
00:32:29He's got about three.
00:32:32Swimming out to the open sea.
00:32:35Like the great wild herring.
00:32:37I realize this must be a great blow to you, Sonia.
00:32:44But you must not allow yourself to be consumed with grief.
00:32:50The dead pass on.
00:32:52And life is for the living.
00:32:56I guess you're right.
00:32:57What do you want to eat?
00:32:59Let's go to Rikos.
00:33:00No, no, no, not Rikos.
00:33:02Yeah, I feel like meat, right?
00:33:03What do you get at Rikos?
00:33:04You get cheese and meat.
00:33:05It is not good for you, House of Kambelan.
00:33:07There's a tavern at the edge of the square that makes a sausage that's wonderful.
00:33:12Meanwhile, the war continued.
00:33:14My regiment had been wiped out, and I found myself lost behind enemy lines.
00:33:20I panicked and hid where I could.
00:33:22Then I fainted.
00:33:24When I came to, I realized I had made a terrible mistake.
00:33:35I don't see what I thought.
00:33:37I ain't keeping my life, as I said.
00:33:44I ain't waiting for you.
00:33:56I'm sorry.
00:33:57I'm sorry.
00:33:58As fate would have it, I landed on a group of French generals
00:34:09causing their immediate surrender and making me a hero.
00:34:12My brother Ivan was not so lucky.
00:34:15He was a fatality of war.
00:34:17He had been bayoneted to death by a Polish conscientious objector.
00:34:28You're praying for Ivan?
00:34:30Yes, your husband.
00:34:33I loved him, as you know.
00:34:36I wanted you to have some of his possessions.
00:34:40How kind.
00:34:43I kept his sword and gold watch.
00:34:49But here, I'm giving you his mustache.
00:34:55I'll cherish it.
00:34:56Also, some string.
00:35:02Ivan saved string.
00:35:05I know.
00:35:06It was one of the reasons why I loved him.
00:35:09I understand that.
00:35:12I loved him for his string, too.
00:35:16Anything else for me?
00:35:19I thought we should divide his letters.
00:35:22Do you want the vowels or the consonants?
00:35:27His vowels.
00:35:29You keep the consonants.
00:35:33Life is unbearable.
00:35:35So we meet again.
00:35:38Countess Alexandrovna.
00:35:42I wish there was some way I could show you my gratitude for what you've done for Russia.
00:35:46I may be able to think of something.
00:35:48Maybe we could meet in my room later this evening.
00:35:51As you wish.
00:35:52Plus five minutes.
00:35:53Well, what have we here?
00:35:56Oh, still dating Laughing Boy, huh?
00:35:58Back from the war, I see.
00:35:59Yes, I'd have stayed longer, but they ran out of medals.
00:36:02I understand your heroism was quite inadvertent.
00:36:06You should have such inadvertent heroism.
00:36:08That's telling me.
00:36:09Are you going to waste your time conversing with this strutting ass?
00:36:12Careful.
00:36:13I think it's a trick question.
00:36:14Fetch my carriage, Anton Lebedecoff.
00:36:16I'll join you momentarily.
00:36:19Nice seeing you again, Quasimodo.
00:36:22My room at midnight?
00:36:24Perfect.
00:36:25Will you be there, too?
00:36:26Naturally.
00:36:27Until midnight, then.
00:36:28Midnight.
00:36:31Make it a quarter to twelve.
00:36:33Midnight.
00:36:34Midnight, of course.
00:36:35Horace, you hardly pestered your blimey.
00:36:37Oh, yes.
00:36:37Well, I've been sick, you know.
00:36:43Come in.
00:36:54How'd you like it?
00:36:56It's all right.
00:36:56I prefer something sexy, but you...
00:36:59Would you like some wine?
00:37:02Something to put you in the mood?
00:37:05Oh, I've been in the mood since the late 1700s.
00:37:10You're disgusting, but I love you.
00:37:12Well, my disgustingness is my best feature.
00:37:18It must be lonely at the front.
00:37:20How long has it been since you've made love to a woman?
00:37:23Uh, what's today?
00:37:25Uh, Monday, Tuesday...
00:37:27Uh, two years.
00:37:28Two years?
00:37:29You remember how, of course?
00:37:30Well, if you start me, it'll all come back.
00:37:38Remember that?
00:37:40Yes.
00:37:41That was just like kissing, right?
00:37:42You're the greatest lover I've ever had.
00:38:01Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.
00:38:04Shall we say pistols at dawn?
00:38:15Well, we can say it.
00:38:16I don't know what it means, but we can say it.
00:38:18You have insulted the honor of Countess Alexandrovna.
00:38:20Why?
00:38:20I let her finish first?
00:38:22Her seconds will call on you.
00:38:24Her seconds?
00:38:24I never gave her seconds.
00:38:25As her fiancé, my seconds will call on your seconds.
00:38:28Well, my seconds will be out.
00:38:30Have them call on my thirds.
00:38:31If my thirds are out, go directly to my fourths.
00:38:35Boris, he's serious.
00:38:36You must meet him on the field of honor.
00:38:38I'm not going to do it with him.
00:38:39He's a marksman and a killer.
00:38:41Your honor is at stake.
00:38:43Hey, what is this?
00:38:44Slap Boris Day?
00:38:45You are a war hero.
00:38:47Surely a duel with Anton Liberakov is nothing to fear.
00:38:50Look, I just don't want to waste a good bullet.
00:38:52That's all.
00:38:52The kid's rash.
00:38:53He doesn't know what he's saying.
00:38:54I'll drop by his house later, give him a chance to apologize.
00:38:57If he doesn't, I'll move to Finland.
00:39:01Guess who?
00:39:09Oh, uh, oh, I'd know those hands anywhere.
00:39:13It's all in the Hamkins.
00:39:15No, it's...
00:39:18Boris?
00:39:19Yes.
00:39:19Oh.
00:39:20How are you?
00:39:21I brought you a present.
00:39:22What?
00:39:22Oh, what?
00:39:23You know those earrings you always wanted?
00:39:25The long ones?
00:39:27Cousin Boris.
00:39:28Twice removed.
00:39:30By tomorrow morning, I may be removed completely.
00:39:32What is it?
00:39:33You look so worried.
00:39:34Oh.
00:39:35Sonia, are you scared of dying?
00:39:39Scared is the wrong word.
00:39:41I'm frightened of it.
00:39:43Oh.
00:39:44That's an interesting distinction.
00:39:45Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
00:39:50If he would just speak to me once.
00:39:53Anything.
00:39:53One sentence.
00:39:54Two words.
00:39:56If he would just cough.
00:39:57Of course there's a God.
00:39:59We're made in his image.
00:40:02You think I was made in God's image?
00:40:03Take a look at me.
00:40:04You think he wears glasses?
00:40:05Not with those frames.
00:40:07Nothingness.
00:40:11Non-existence.
00:40:13Black emptiness.
00:40:15What'd you say?
00:40:17Oh.
00:40:18I was just planning my future.
00:40:20Why are you so preoccupied with death?
00:40:23Sit down with me for a second.
00:40:25Sonia, tomorrow morning I'm gonna fight a duel with Anton Lebedekoff.
00:40:29He's much better than I am at it.
00:40:30And I'll probably be killed.
00:40:33And I wanted to take this time, if I don't see you again,
00:40:35to say that I love you.
00:40:37Boris.
00:40:38I've always loved you ever since we were kids.
00:40:40I was heartbroken when you loved Yvonne, but I still love you.
00:40:42Why didn't you say something?
00:40:44Would it have mattered?
00:40:45Oh, of course not, darling.
00:40:47If by some miracle I'm not killed tomorrow,
00:40:50would you marry me?
00:40:53What do you think the odds are?
00:40:56To die before the harvest.
00:41:00The crops, the grains, fields of rippling wheat.
00:41:03Wheat, wheat.
00:41:05All there is in life is wheat.
00:41:08Sonia, here's your chance to do something kind for a dying boy.
00:41:12But I don't really love Boris.
00:41:13I mean, I love him, but I'm not in love with him.
00:41:17Oh, wheat.
00:41:18Lots of wheat.
00:41:19Fields of wheat.
00:41:20A tremendous amount of wheat.
00:41:22And yet he loves me.
00:41:24And he would make a devoted husband.
00:41:26Not too exciting, but devoted.
00:41:28We'd have a family.
00:41:29Maybe not our own.
00:41:30We could rent one.
00:41:31I could learn to love him.
00:41:32Me, Boris, and six rented children.
00:41:34Or would I feel trapped, suffocated, can't breathe?
00:41:39Open a window.
00:41:40No, no, no, no.
00:41:40Not that one.
00:41:41The one in the bathroom.
00:41:42Yellow wheat.
00:41:43Red wheat.
00:41:44Wheat with feathers.
00:41:45Cream of wheat.
00:41:47Poor boy.
00:41:47Dueling with Anton Lbedekoff.
00:41:49By this time tomorrow morning, my beloved cousin Boris will look like a Swiss cheese.
00:41:53Promising anything.
00:41:54Make him happy for a night.
00:41:56Oh, or would I feel trapped, suffocated, my youth gone, living with a Swiss cheese and
00:42:02rented children.
00:42:03Of course I'll marry you, Boris.
00:42:05It would be an honor for me.
00:42:11Uh, this Anton Lbedekoff, he is a good shot, isn't he?
00:42:15I'm afraid so.
00:42:17Well, since this may be your last night on earth, let's go back to my room and make love.
00:42:23Oh, nice idea.
00:42:25I'll bring the soy sauce.
00:42:27Come on.
00:42:28Come.
00:42:28Come.
00:42:33Oh, nice day.
00:42:40Oh, nice day.
00:42:48Bye.
00:42:48Bye.
00:42:53Bye.
00:42:57Bye.
00:42:57At last, you're late, Boris Kreschenko.
00:43:03We thought you weren't coming.
00:43:04Well, I overslept.
00:43:06Can you be so relaxed and confident?
00:43:08You know, I hate to shoot anybody before I've had my morning tea.
00:43:11I get a lot of bad mail from the serfs.
00:43:13I implore both of you, come back to your senses.
00:43:16There is still time to call it off by mutual consent with no loss of honor.
00:43:20Since you put it that way, maybe I will hop back into bed.
00:43:23We'll do it now.
00:43:25And to the death.
00:43:26Oh, no, I can't do anything to the death.
00:43:29Doctor's orders.
00:43:30I have an ulcer condition and dying is one of the worst things for it.
00:43:33Begin.
00:43:36You have been challenged.
00:43:38Choose.
00:43:39Oh.
00:43:42Choose.
00:43:45All right, I'll take these.
00:43:49Just one.
00:43:50Oh, he gets one.
00:43:52Oh, silly.
00:43:53Starting back to back on my signal.
00:43:57You will walk ten paces, turn and fire.
00:44:01Is that clear?
00:44:02Of course.
00:44:03Of course.
00:44:04Good luck.
00:44:09And God be with you both.
00:44:11You listening?
00:44:11You listening?
00:44:11One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
00:44:30One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, nine, ten.
00:44:52Does this come out from dry cleaning, or is this like gravy?
00:44:57You must shoot.
00:44:59No, no, no. I don't want to shoot.
00:45:01You must. It's the law.
00:45:04Well, if it's the law, then I'll shoot in the air.
00:45:09There. I fulfilled my obligation.
00:45:18Boris Dimitrovich.
00:45:20I've learned a great lesson here today.
00:45:23Yes, me too. Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.
00:45:26You could have killed me, and you didn't.
00:45:29How can I ever repay you?
00:45:31Well, you can start by getting off my toe.
00:45:34Oh, I beg your pardon.
00:45:36Boris Dimitrovich, from this day on, I will lead a new life.
00:45:40I will modify my views.
00:45:42I will preach goodness, perhaps join the church.
00:45:45I will lead a righteous life.
00:45:47I will devote myself, as I did in my childhood, to my singing.
00:45:51La-da-da-da-da.
00:45:54La-da-da-da-da.
00:45:55He's got a great voice, hasn't he?
00:45:57I should have shot him.
00:45:59And so, Sonia and I married.
00:46:01I now pronounce you man and wife.
00:46:05Oh, I'm so happy.
00:46:08Look at the kid. She's so happy. She's speechless.
00:46:11He missed, uh, he missed, uh, he missed.
00:46:25I know what's bothering you.
00:46:27You're worried whether you're going to be a stimulating enough wife for me.
00:46:29Whether it's possible to live up to the chores and obligations of married life.
00:46:33But it's going to be a cinch, I promise.
00:46:36I have no bad habits at all.
00:46:38I grant that I have a few eccentricities.
00:46:40I won't eat any food that begins with the letter F.
00:46:43Like chicken, for instance.
00:46:45Boris, I just don't love you.
00:46:48Oh, Sonia.
00:46:49Oh, I mean I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
00:46:52Sonia, do you even know what love means?
00:46:54There are many different kinds of love, Boris.
00:46:56There's love between a man and a woman.
00:47:00Love between a mother and a son.
00:47:02Two women. Let's not forget my favorite.
00:47:04But then there's the love I've always dreamed of ever since I was a little girl.
00:47:08Yeah?
00:47:09The love between two extraordinary individuals.
00:47:12Sonia.
00:47:13Oh, don't, Boris, please.
00:47:16Sex without love is an empty experience.
00:47:20Yes, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
00:47:26At first, things were a little tense between us.
00:47:32But after a while, she relaxed.
00:47:42Don't. I'm not here.
00:47:47Soon, Sonia got more used to me.
00:47:49Sometimes she actually had fun.
00:47:52Like the time she baked her first souffle.
00:47:56Money was scarce, and Sonia learned to make wonderful dishes out of snow.
00:48:07Sweetheart, it looks a little rare to me.
00:48:09Well, I left it in the oven for an hour and a half.
00:48:11Did you? Because it looks, you know, it's all, uh...
00:48:13What's the dessert?
00:48:14A surprise, Boris.
00:48:15Yes, what?
00:48:16A nice big bowl of sleet.
00:48:18Oh, sleet, my favorite.
00:48:20That's wonderful.
00:48:20Evenings, we played music together.
00:48:24And as time passed, I won her heart.
00:48:27Oh, Boris, I've never been so happy in my entire life.
00:48:31I love you, Boris, in a deeper way than I ever thought was possible.
00:48:35Really?
00:48:35Really?
00:48:38I want to have children with you.
00:48:40What kind?
00:48:41Little children.
00:48:42Of course.
00:48:43The big ones are mentally slower.
00:48:45I want to have three children.
00:48:47One of each.
00:48:48Oh, Boris.
00:48:50Boris, I'm actually happy.
00:48:53Well, I hate to say I told you so, but some men have it and some men don't.
00:48:58Fortunately, I have so much of it.
00:49:02Those next months were the happiest time of my life.
00:49:05Then one day, at the height of my sense of well-being, I suddenly and for no apparent reason was seized with an urge to commit suicide.
00:49:22I don't know.
00:49:23You're healthy.
00:49:24You have a beautiful wife.
00:49:25Your work is going well.
00:49:26I know, but something's missing.
00:49:28What?
00:49:29I don't know.
00:49:29I feel a void at the center of my being.
00:49:32What kind of void?
00:49:33Well, an empty void.
00:49:35An empty void.
00:49:36Yes, I felt a full void about a month ago, but it was just something I ate.
00:49:39Maybe what you have is a sickness of the soul.
00:49:43Look, there's death.
00:49:45What?
00:49:45Who?
00:49:46Death.
00:49:47He's got Kropotkin, the wine merchant.
00:49:49Really?
00:49:49Yeah, and a woman.
00:49:51Ooh, it's not Mrs. Kropotkin.
00:49:53You're kidding.
00:49:54No, I always knew Kropotkin was diddling somebody else.
00:49:58Where are you taking Kropotkin?
00:50:01Away, forever.
00:50:02Listen, if you run into my wife, tell her I'm with you.
00:50:06Goodbye, Kropotkin.
00:50:08If you get a chance, write.
00:50:12Father Andre, holiest of holies, aged and wise, you are the most wrinkled man in the entire country.
00:50:20Get off my beard, you little jerk.
00:50:26Rise, my child, rise.
00:50:29I'm standing.
00:50:31My eyesight is poor.
00:50:35Everyone says you're senile with age, but you're the only one that can help me.
00:50:39I don't think you're senile.
00:50:42Where did you say the fish was caught?
00:50:45What fish?
00:50:45Didn't you say something about fish?
00:50:49Father, Boris is trying to commit suicide.
00:50:53Last week he contemplated killing himself by inhaling next to an Armenian.
00:50:57They tell Boris this.
00:50:59I have lived many years.
00:51:03And after many trials and tribulations, I have come to the conclusion that the best thing is...
00:51:16Yes?
00:51:17Blonde 12-year-old girls.
00:51:21Father.
00:51:21Two of them were never possible.
00:51:25Father, I counted on you.
00:51:28I forgive you.
00:51:30I forgive you.
00:51:33Thank you, your grubbliness.
00:51:34As I dangled at the rope's end, I was suddenly seized with an urge to live.
00:51:43All I could think of was Sonia.
00:51:45I wanted to hold her close to me, weep tears on her shoulder, and engage in oral sex.
00:51:51It was then that I made the decision to live, to live and become a great poet.
00:51:55I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
00:52:14Too sentimental.
00:52:17That winter, Sonia and I had a wonderful time.
00:52:23We found a new friend, Berjukov, the village idiot.
00:52:26Berjukov would sit smiling for days and stroke a little piece of velvet,
00:52:30while Sonia would make him happy by feeding him cookies.
00:52:33We looked forward to the spring when we could have a child of our own.
00:52:37Little did we know.
00:52:39War!
00:52:40Napoleon has invaded Russia!
00:52:42It's war!
00:52:43War!
00:52:47Oh, what about all our plans? We were going to be parents this year.
00:52:51Well, there's going to be a slight change in our plans.
00:52:53Instead of parents, we're going to be refugees.
00:52:55Well, that's terrible.
00:52:57We have to take our possessions and flee.
00:52:59I'm very good at that.
00:53:00I was the men's freestyle fleeing champion two years in a row.
00:53:04And we have to remember to burn the food so the French don't get it.
00:53:06Although I know it's tough to light borscht.
00:53:08Boris.
00:53:08What?
00:53:09I have an idea.
00:53:10What?
00:53:12Let's assassinate Napoleon.
00:53:15Yeah.
00:53:15Interesting.
00:53:16It's getting a little late.
00:53:17Do you want to start knitting dinner?
00:53:18I'm serious.
00:53:19What do you mean you're serious?
00:53:20I mean, let's you and I kill Napoleon.
00:53:23Sonia, you've been drinking from the glass we use for the village, idiot.
00:53:26It's the answer to all our problems.
00:53:28No, it's not the answer.
00:53:29It's an answer, and it's the wrong answer.
00:53:31The correct answer is flee.
00:53:33F-L-E-A.
00:53:34Flee.
00:53:35No, no.
00:53:35The French occupy Moscow.
00:53:37His headquarters are there.
00:53:38Sonia.
00:53:39Two innocent-looking types like us could work our way in to see him and then shoot him.
00:53:42Sonia, we'd never get near him.
00:53:44And if we did, we'd shoot and miss.
00:53:45He's a tough target.
00:53:46He's very small.
00:53:47Boris, it's our chance to perform a truly heroic act.
00:53:50Since when is murder a heroic act?
00:53:52Violence is justified in the service of mankind.
00:53:56Who said that?
00:53:57Attila the Hun.
00:53:58You're quoting a Hun to me?
00:54:01Don't you know that murder carries with it a moral imperative that transcends any notion
00:54:06of inherent universal free will?
00:54:08Ah, that is incredibly Jejeune.
00:54:14That Jejeune?
00:54:16Jejeune.
00:54:16You have the temerity to say that I'm talking to you out of Jejeunosity?
00:54:20I'm one of the most Jejeune people in all of the Russias.
00:54:25I have Yvonne's old pistol.
00:54:26Sonia, political assassination doesn't work.
00:54:29Violence leads to violence.
00:54:31He who lives by the sword dies by the sword.
00:54:33Well, I'm out of cliches now.
00:54:35What, are you suggesting passive resistance?
00:54:37No, I'm suggesting active fleeing.
00:54:40You can't run away all your life.
00:54:41I know, but murder, the most foul of all crimes, and not abstract murder, shooting a rifle at
00:54:48an unknown enemy on the battlefield, but standing in a closed room with a live human being and
00:54:53pulling the trigger face to face, and a famous human being, a successful one, one who earns
00:54:59more than I do.
00:55:00My God, you figure Napoleon, what, he's got to be good for 10,000 francs a week.
00:55:04That's minimum, that's minimum, that's without tips or extras, nothing like that.
00:55:09And, and me, what am I?
00:55:10He's a, he's a great man.
00:55:12He's, he thinks like the Superman, and, and I'm just a, a worm, an insect, some kind of,
00:55:18some kind of crawling, disgusting, creeping little vermin.
00:55:23You know, you can stop me.
00:55:24I will when I disagree.
00:55:26Oh, Sonia, who are we to kill somebody?
00:55:29Forrest, for the first time in my life, I feel free, weightless.
00:55:33I, I have an exhilarating feeling of human freedom.
00:55:37It's called the guillotine.
00:55:39Oh, look, Forrest, look, the soft golden dusk is already transmogrifying itself into the
00:55:45blue star-sprinkled night.
00:55:48Very careful, because that gun may be loaded.
00:55:50Oh.
00:55:51Several days later, we set out for Moscow.
00:55:54We took Berjukov with us part way.
00:55:56He was on his way to Minsk.
00:55:57There was a village idiots convention in Minsk, and Berjukov was planning to attend.
00:56:02Village idiots from all over Russia were meeting there.
00:56:14We drove through small villages and tiny hamlets.
00:56:18We had no great plan, but when we stopped at an inn along the way, fate provided one.
00:56:23We had no idea.
00:56:33Pardon me.
00:56:35Could you, could you tell me who those people are behind that screen?
00:56:39That's Don Francisco of Spain, and his sister.
00:56:42They are en route to meet Napoleon.
00:56:43don francisco i presume do you know me senior oh let's just say that your name is legend in these
00:57:02parts it is well perhaps not legend but it it never fails to get a big laugh and and you must
00:57:10be the the don's sister the denoted spanish countess and miscite poor you just a humble servant who
00:57:18wishes to buy his excellency a drink ah i would be honored waiter a bottle of your your best red wine
00:57:25please and then two straws two straws word has it uh the don is on route to visit napoleon
00:57:32word travels fast not as fast as good news no news is good news here today
00:57:44gone tomorrow you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink
00:57:51your turn we would invite you to join us but the difference in social rank and wealth
00:57:57it makes it silly oh yes i threw this on it's a it's a knockdown you guys know napoleon or or what
00:58:06hardly
00:58:07a joke your nothingness we are friends with his brother who is arranging the affairs of spain but
00:58:17this is our first meeting with the great emperor
00:58:20that's all i wanted to know
00:58:25don francisco pardon me i'm having trouble adjusting my
00:58:33belt you think you could come over here and hold my uh bosom for a while
00:58:38of course señorita
00:58:41you
00:58:41you
00:58:54you
00:58:56you
00:58:58you
00:58:59you
00:59:02you
00:59:04you
00:59:06no no no no no no it's not what i had in mind it should have more cream between the crust
00:59:30and no raisins but at our last meeting you said raisins
00:59:34no if this pastry is to bear my name it must be richer more cream yes but easier time very little
00:59:44my spies tell me that my illustrious british enemy is working on a new meat recipe which he plans to
00:59:50call beef wellington it will never get off the ground we must develop the napoleon before he
00:59:57develops beef wellington so future of europe hangs in the balance yes your highness
01:00:07i must see you your highness
01:00:10you have reason to believe that there is a plot of it to take your life
01:00:13very more that's why we've made up an obscure private from the ranks to look like you look
01:00:19how do you do your highness well he looks like me you're seeing him without his rug
01:00:26come all right just just let me get this on your highness and now i take your place
01:00:40i will teach you to walk like me i have a great walk
01:00:47with the emperor out of the way all that remains is to kill don francisco
01:00:53that will destroy his highness stupid dreams of a treaty with spain
01:00:59then i'll sail to austria and form an alliance with the crown not the king just the crown
01:01:10i call me mad but one day when the history of france is written they will mark my name well
01:01:19sidney applebaum
01:01:22we're here to see the emperor who is calling
01:01:39oh that's droll droll yes apparently he's not familiar with the list of the hundred most
01:01:52important spanishers yes it is only don francisco and his sister yes the the donessa yes we have
01:01:59an appointment with napoleon right napoleon bonaparte the noted international tyrant you you are don
01:02:05the older brother that 1926 was called i am spain i am valentine and his sister
01:02:12searching for my mother and my sister
01:02:14we are satbalists and so on r street
01:02:18some kind of mortable
01:02:18for example
01:02:19so he has a very much room to take down
01:02:21to show you
01:02:26that's a great work
01:02:31well then he doesn't know why
01:02:33who appreciates Magnificent Woman,
01:02:35you'll be much taken with you.
01:02:36Good. I wore my flats.
01:02:38We are, of course, almost anxious
01:02:40to hear your proposal for a treaty.
01:02:42Oh, creak. Yes, I've given a lot of thought.
01:02:44Now, I've come up with all the little details.
01:02:46You know, now, if I can just think of the main points,
01:02:48we got something.
01:02:50But there's no time for business.
01:02:51You've had a wearing journey.
01:02:53Yes, well, we should say hello to the Emperor.
01:02:55That's right. Shorts gets touchy if we bypass them.
01:02:57There'll be time for that later.
01:02:59First, you'll be shown your quarters
01:03:00and wined and dined in a manner
01:03:02the fitting Spanish nobility.
01:03:03Oh, wonderful.
01:03:04But go easy on the champagne.
01:03:06The Donessa has gout.
01:03:07Well, if you'll proceed,
01:03:09your needs will be attended to.
01:03:13That's why you're here with your sister.
01:03:15Should you desire a little blonde French love dream
01:03:18to be sent to your room, it will be arranged.
01:03:20Good, good.
01:03:21Maybe I'll have two to keep the symmetry perfect.
01:03:24I prefer two myself.
01:03:26I prefer three, but it's hard enough to get one.
01:03:32Is this room big enough for you, or would you prefer a suite?
01:03:42Of course. Of course, I'm scared.
01:03:44You're scared? I'm growing a beak and feathers.
01:03:46Well, what are we gonna do?
01:03:47I say we get out of here now.
01:03:48I'm not leaving here until we shoot Napoleon.
01:03:51Here.
01:03:52Oh, I see. Thanks. I'm the hit man.
01:03:54Remember, you can't take any chances.
01:03:57Now make sure the barrel of the gun
01:04:00is pressed against his head or his chest.
01:04:03And don't pull the trigger, Boris. Squeeze it.
01:04:07Hey, where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?
01:04:10Let's just make sure our plans are straight.
01:04:13Okay, here's one. You flirt with him.
01:04:15Bring him back here after dinner.
01:04:17Lull him into a state of satisfaction, and I'll shoot him.
01:04:20I'll shoot him. Can you believe I'm talking like this?
01:04:23Yes, yes. Spain is quite warm this time of the year.
01:04:29Uh, Barcelona is warmer than Madrid, but then the people are so different.
01:04:34The Barcelonians and the Madridics.
01:04:37Are all the ladies in Spain as beautiful as you are, madame?
01:04:41No, well, not all. You gotta have some bees.
01:04:44Uh-huh.
01:04:45Oh, General, do excuse me, madame.
01:04:47Oh, yes, yes.
01:04:49Take it easy, really. You're making a fool of yourself.
01:04:52Hey, this is good champagne, Boris.
01:04:53Oh, yeah? Have you had enough? Are you gonna drink another case?
01:04:55I'll be fine. All I need is a few solids.
01:04:57A few solids, huh? You should drink a blotter.
01:05:00Oh, I believe I had the pleasure of meeting your sister once.
01:05:03My sister? Which one?
01:05:05Uh, I thought you only had one.
01:05:07One? One? No.
01:05:09Oh, no, no. Actually, well, I have a half-sister.
01:05:12Well, no, not exactly half. It's, pardon, two fifths.
01:05:15Ah!
01:05:16Ladies and gentlemen, his imperial harness, the Emperor Napoleon.
01:05:22So you are Don Francesco?
01:05:34Yes, I have regards from your brother in Spain.
01:05:36Says you went away, you don't write, nothing.
01:05:38Comes a Friday night, he never hears from you.
01:05:40You took his razor, you never returned it.
01:05:42This is an honor for me.
01:05:43No, it's a greater honor for me.
01:05:44No, it's a greater honor for me.
01:05:45No, a greater honor for me.
01:05:46No, it's a greater honor for me.
01:05:47No, it's a greater honor for me.
01:05:48No, a greater honor for me.
01:05:49Well, perhaps you're right. Perhaps it is a greater honor for you.
01:05:52And you must be Don Francesco's sister.
01:05:54No, you must be Don Francesco's sister.
01:05:56No, you must be Don Francesco's sister.
01:05:58No, you must be Don Francesco's sister.
01:05:59No, you must be Don Francesco's sister.
01:06:00No, it's a greater honor for me.
01:06:01I see our Spanish guests have a sense of humor.
01:06:04Yeah, she's a great kidder.
01:06:05No, you're a great kidder.
01:06:06No, you're a great kidder.
01:06:07No, you're Don Francesco's sister.
01:06:08Shall we die?
01:06:09Oh, can we eat first?
01:06:10Mm-hmm.
01:06:20Your sister and his highness seem to be getting along quite well.
01:06:25You find me attractive as a man?
01:06:27Yes.
01:06:28I think that's your best bet.
01:06:30How much of your feelings for me are because I've conquered half of Europe?
01:06:34Well, I'd say half my feelings.
01:06:35It evens out.
01:06:36I wonder if you should be more difficult to conquer than Russia.
01:06:39Well, I weigh less.
01:06:41I'll go to your room after dinner.
01:06:43Good.
01:06:44I'll go to yours.
01:06:53Come in.
01:06:57Sonia.
01:06:58Sonia, I've been thinking about this.
01:06:59It's murder.
01:07:00What if everybody acted like this?
01:07:02It'd be a world full of murderers.
01:07:03You know what that would do to property values?
01:07:05I know.
01:07:06And if everybody went to the same restaurant on the same evening and ordered blintzes, there'd
01:07:10be chaos.
01:07:11But they don't.
01:07:12I'm telling a murder.
01:07:13She's telling a blintzes.
01:07:14Hey, you said yourself there is no right or wrong.
01:07:17It's what you choose.
01:07:19That's right.
01:07:20And I choose danger.
01:07:22Oh, really?
01:07:23No, but it sounded great.
01:07:24Oh, Boris.
01:07:26If only we could be children again.
01:07:29Yeah, I know.
01:07:30Preferably French children.
01:07:32Do you know the only truly happy person I know is Berchikov, the village idiot?
01:07:36Well, it's easy to be happy, you know, if your one concern in life is figuring out how much saliva to dribble.
01:07:41Kiss me.
01:07:42Which one do you want?
01:07:44Give me a number eight.
01:07:45A number eight?
01:07:46That's, uh, that's two fours.
01:07:47Oh, that's an easy one.
01:07:48Uh, coming!
01:07:53Coming!
01:07:54Coming!
01:08:09Are you alone?
01:08:10Of course.
01:08:11I thought I heard voices.
01:08:12I was praying.
01:08:13I heard two voices.
01:08:14I do both parts.
01:08:16Champagne, from France.
01:08:19Oh, I see you brought the whole kit.
01:08:38To your eyes.
01:08:39To the bridge of your nose.
01:08:41My lust knows no bounds.
01:08:46Shall we to the bed?
01:08:48Shall we what to the bed?
01:08:50Forgive my haste.
01:08:52We have always heard that Spanish blood is the hottest.
01:08:57I had mine cooled for the summer.
01:08:59You may set the pace.
01:09:00Good, good.
01:09:02Why don't we just sit a while and build slowly?
01:09:05You don't want to peak too early.
01:09:06You'll be back in your room before midnight.
01:09:08You are a temptress.
01:09:10Oh, please.
01:09:11Excellency.
01:09:12Call me Napoleon.
01:09:13Good.
01:09:14You can call me Napoleon too.
01:09:15I've never met a woman like you.
01:09:17I could rest my head on your shoulder like this forever.
01:09:21Yes, it sounds like it'd be fun except for the grease mark.
01:09:25Excellency.
01:09:27What's that?
01:09:28Oh, it's debris.
01:09:29Debris.
01:09:30Debris.
01:09:31Debris with mice.
01:09:32Mice.
01:09:33What's the difference?
01:09:34If I had a woman like you instead of my wife, I would conquer all of Europe.
01:09:47What's that?
01:09:48What's all that?
01:09:49I think that was just the old closet door slamming shit.
01:09:52One can't be too careful.
01:09:53The Russian underground would love me dead.
01:09:56I take a great chance in an occupied territory.
01:09:59Assassins around me every day is another encounter with death.
01:10:05Yes.
01:10:06Oh, yes.
01:10:07Well, this is the price one pays for political power.
01:10:10Yes.
01:10:11Life at the top is hell.
01:10:12Which is why I relish every minute with you.
01:10:15Every second means something to me.
01:10:18That's why the sooner we consummate the act of love, the happier I will be.
01:10:24Oh.
01:10:25Go ahead.
01:10:26I can't.
01:10:27Don Francisco.
01:10:28Shoot.
01:10:29Put down that pistol.
01:10:30She's over 18.
01:10:32You're a tyrant and a dictator and you start wars.
01:10:35Why is he reciting my credits?
01:10:37Kill him!
01:10:38Ah!
01:10:39No.
01:10:40Oh.
01:10:45Boris, we're not here on a vacation.
01:10:48Well, I can't shoot him.
01:10:49He's a live human being.
01:10:50He'll bleed on the carpet.
01:10:51Give me that gun.
01:10:52Oh.
01:10:53Ah, see?
01:10:54It's not so easy.
01:10:56Why?
01:10:57Why can't I do it?
01:10:59Because it's morally wrong.
01:11:01Oh, I see.
01:11:02Well, can you define your terms?
01:11:03Yes, there's a moral imperative involved here.
01:11:05Yeah, where?
01:11:06Where's the moral?
01:11:07Don't you see it?
01:11:08By killing Napoleon, you're actually killing yourself because we're involved in a kind of
01:11:11total absolute.
01:11:12Oh, come on.
01:11:13This isn't a total absolute.
01:11:14You're being pantheistic again.
01:11:15How is that pantheistic?
01:11:16Uh-uh.
01:11:17How is that pantheistic?
01:11:18We all relate universally to a giant oneness.
01:11:20Uh-uh.
01:11:21You want to hit him?
01:11:22He's coming to again.
01:11:23Oh.
01:11:24Just give him a little shot.
01:11:25Good.
01:11:26You see, we're dealing with an ethical question here.
01:11:27Oh, come on, Boris.
01:11:28You're not going to quote Thomas Aquinas again?
01:11:30Absolutely.
01:11:31He said you must never kill a man, particularly if it means taking his life.
01:11:38What's the matter?
01:11:39Don't you see?
01:11:40If we don't stop him, he'll burn down half of Europe.
01:11:43Well, maybe we'll get lucky.
01:11:44Maybe he'll be the half with our landlord in it.
01:11:46Boris, for our children.
01:11:47We don't have children.
01:11:48Then for our parents.
01:11:49They don't have children either.
01:11:50Well, I'm going back and I'm going to kill him.
01:11:52Sonia!
01:11:53I am.
01:11:54No!
01:11:55All right, look.
01:11:56Pull the carriage out front.
01:11:57I'll go kill him.
01:12:06Look at him.
01:12:07If I don't kill him, he'll make war all through Europe.
01:12:11But murder.
01:12:13What would Socrates say?
01:12:15All those Greeks were homosexuals.
01:12:18Boy, they must have had some wild parties.
01:12:21But they all took a house together in Crete for the summer.
01:12:24A. Socrates is a man.
01:12:27B. All men are mortal.
01:12:30C. All men are Socrates.
01:12:33That means all men are homosexuals.
01:12:35I'm not a homosexual.
01:12:38Once some Cossacks whistled at me.
01:12:42I happen to have the kind of body that excites both persuasions.
01:12:47But, you know, some men are heterosexual.
01:12:50And some men are bisexual.
01:12:52And some men don't think about sex at all.
01:12:55You know, they become lawyers.
01:12:57My problem is that I see both sides of every issue.
01:13:01I'm too logical.
01:13:03You know, the world is not logical.
01:13:06If it was logical, how would old Nahamkin be younger than young Nahamkin?
01:13:10I knew there was something crazy about that when I was a kid.
01:13:13But every time I said something, they'd smack me.
01:13:15So, you know, I'm just wracked with guilt.
01:13:20And I'm consumed with remorse.
01:13:23And stricken with suffering for the human race.
01:13:26Not only that, but I'm developing a herpy on my lip here that is really killing me.
01:13:32What to do?
01:13:35Arrest this man for murder!
01:13:53Fortunately, he only killed an imposter.
01:13:55I didn't do anything.
01:13:56Hey, take it easy, really.
01:13:57You're bending my throat.
01:13:59The Spanish government will hear about this.
01:14:02Don Francisco is not a man who takes these things lightly.
01:14:05I don't know.
01:14:06There's Don Francisco now.
01:14:08There's been a mistake.
01:14:09I know.
01:14:10I made it.
01:14:11By some miracle, Sonia managed to elude the French and escape.
01:14:15I, with my usual good luck, got thrown in a damp cell to await execution.
01:14:19My favorite pastime.
01:14:21Fortunately, it was a French jail, so the food was not bad.
01:14:26My family was allowed to visit me.
01:14:28Remember that nice boy next door, Raskolnikov?
01:14:31Yeah.
01:14:32He killed two ladies.
01:14:34No, what a nasty story.
01:14:36Bobik told it to me.
01:14:38He heard it from one of the Karamazza brothers.
01:14:41Oh, he must have been possessed.
01:14:43Well, he was a raw youth.
01:14:45Raw youth?
01:14:46He was an idiot.
01:14:47And he acted insulted and injured.
01:14:49Well, I hear he was a gambler.
01:14:51You know, he could be your double.
01:14:53Oh, really?
01:14:54How novel.
01:14:55Son.
01:14:56For long years, I have saved this piece of land for you.
01:15:02Look, it has a house in it.
01:15:04Yes, it's a nice little house, too.
01:15:06You haven't wasted your life, I see.
01:15:08Don't let any strangers come on it.
01:15:11No, no strangers.
01:15:13No.
01:15:14You're a major loon.
01:15:15You know that.
01:15:16Next year.
01:15:17Yes.
01:15:18I expect to build a guest house.
01:15:22Oh, a little, a tiny guest house with a handball court and a little, little swimming pool for fleas or something.
01:15:29Yes.
01:15:30Yes.
01:15:31Well, you'll want to get some rest in your rubber bedroom now.
01:15:33Yeah.
01:15:34Oh.
01:15:35Oh.
01:15:36Oh.
01:15:37Who are you?
01:15:51who are you i am an angel of god you're kidding fear not boris you have led a just life
01:16:06and at the last minute before the execution the emperor plans to pardon you
01:16:12really he will make a great personal show of his generosity
01:16:18and you will have learned your lesson but you will not be executed
01:16:26then there is a god incredible moses was right he that he that abideth in in truth and will have
01:16:39frankincense and myrrh smeared on his gums in abundance and he shall dwell in the house of
01:16:47the lord for six months with an option to buy but the wicked man the wicked man shall have
01:16:55all kinds of problems his tongue shall cleave to the roof of his upper palate and he shall speak
01:17:01like a woman if you watch him closely and he shall he shall the wicked man shall be delivered into
01:17:08the hands of his enemy whether they can pay the delivery charge or not and and wait i have more
01:17:14about the wicked man i shall walk through the valley of the shadow of death in fact now that i
01:17:21think of it i shall run through the valley of the shadow of death of course you get out of the valley
01:17:27quicker that way and he that hath clean hands and a pure heart is okay in my book but he that
01:17:35that fools around with with barnyard animals that's got to be watched i thank you
01:17:43all right grushenko come on let's go you guys are late i've been waiting here since 6 30.
01:17:54you're awfully cheerful yeah well you know how it is when you're extra brave probably not
01:17:59busy day huh are you guys having a sale no no blindfold that's for losers i like to see where
01:18:15the bullet hits i learned that during the war i was decorated you know yeah wonder what the emperor's
01:18:22doing today ready you guys want to move a little closer you don't want to miss you know looks bad
01:18:28on the report aim oh boy the emperor's really cutting it close what a flair for the dramatic
01:18:34that old sly boots fire it's a very complicated situation cousin sonia i'm in love with alexi
01:18:46he loves alicia alicia alicia is having an affair with lev lev loves tatiana tatiana loves simkin
01:18:56simkin loves me i love simkin but in a different way than alexi
01:19:03alexi loves tatiana like a sister tatiana's sister loves trigorin like a brother
01:19:12trigorin's brother is having an affair with my sister who he likes physically but not spiritually
01:19:20natasha is getting a little late the firm of mishkin and mishkin is sleeping with the firm
01:19:27of traskoff and taskoff natasha to love is to suffer to avoid suffering one must not love
01:19:35but then one suffers from not loving therefore to love is to suffer not to love is to suffer
01:19:42to suffer is to suffer to be happy is to love to be happy then is to suffer but suffering
01:19:50makes one unhappy therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much
01:19:57happiness i hope you're getting this down i never want to marry
01:20:03i just want to get divorced oh look look it's boris
01:20:11boris boris boris what happened i got screwed how i don't know i have some vision came and said
01:20:23that i was going to get pardoned and they shot me you were my one great love oh thank you very much
01:20:29i appreciate that now if you'll excuse me i'm dead what's it like uh what's it like uh you know
01:20:36the chicken at tresky's restaurant yeah it's worse
01:20:40worse than the chicken at tresky's oh well life must go on the last traces of the shimmering dusk
01:20:55are setting behind the quickly darkening evening and it's only noon soon we shall be covered by wheat
01:21:05did you say wheat wheat wheat wheat i'm dead they're talking about wheat
01:21:16the question is have i learned anything about life
01:21:20only that only that only that human beings are divided into mind and body the mind embraces all
01:21:27the nobler aspirations like poetry and philosophy but the body has all the fun
01:21:33the important thing i think is not to be bitter you know if if it turns out that there is a god
01:21:40i don't think that he's evil i think that that the worst you can say about him is that basically
01:21:45he's an underachiever after all you know there are worse things in life than death
01:21:50i mean if you've if you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman you you know exactly
01:21:55what i mean the the key here i think is to to not think of death as an end but but think of it more
01:22:02as a very effective way of of cutting down on your expenses regarding love you know uh what can
01:22:10you say it's it's not the the quantity of your sexual relations that count it's the quality
01:22:16on the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months i would definitely look into it
01:22:23well that's about it for me folks goodbye
01:22:28so
01:22:34so
01:22:38so
01:22:44so
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