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TVTranscript
00:00:00Yes, it's Bruce Forsythe's Big Night.
00:00:30Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce Forsythe!
00:00:40Thank you!
00:00:53Please!
00:00:54Thank you so much!
00:00:56Thank you!
00:00:57Oh!
00:00:58How spontaneous!
00:01:00Oh, but nice to see you, to see you...
00:01:03Nice!
00:01:04It could be a very...
00:01:05Big night!
00:01:07When?
00:01:08Tonight!
00:01:13I don't know where you are
00:01:16You may be near or far
00:01:18So let's get the network together
00:01:20It's Saturday night!
00:01:22And by the way, thank you so much for all your letters.
00:01:25It meant so very, very much to me this week particularly
00:01:27And after last week's show, the post was...
00:01:29It's been extraordinary!
00:01:31In fact, I mean, this letter came flooding in!
00:01:33It's from a tooting lady who's trying very hard to give it up
00:01:40And...
00:01:42You see, what happens was she was cleaning out her budgie cage the other day
00:01:46And she came across some of my old press cuttings!
00:01:48Yes!
00:01:49And there's one!
00:01:50There's one!
00:01:51What do you mean the best place for them?
00:01:53There's one!
00:01:54And there's one!
00:01:55I'd like to read out to you because it's the first review I ever got in a newspaper
00:02:01It was from the Basingstoke Telegraph and Bugle
00:02:04All right, then?
00:02:05Here we are!
00:02:06Forsyth told the magistrates...
00:02:07No, sorry, that's the wrong word
00:02:08Sorry, there was more than one, I forgot about that
00:02:12Yes!
00:02:13Oh yeah, here we are, here we go
00:02:14Um, get ready, right
00:02:16After seeing 14-year-old Master Bruce Forsyth's debut on stage last night
00:02:22I can confidently predict that in 12 months this boy will be 15
00:02:29Talented juvenile stars are hard to find
00:02:32But I'm sure Master Forsyth will help us look for some
00:02:37So far, so bad
00:02:39His performance was incredible
00:02:41Several screaming girls had to be carried through the doors
00:02:44It was the only way to get them in
00:02:50His jokes are refreshing
00:02:52They certainly refresh my memory
00:02:56The audience had to roll about on the floor to start laughing
00:03:02With an act like this I'm sure Forsyth will soon be packing them in
00:03:07In boxes of 50 down at the biscuit factory
00:03:09Yes, well, compared to that the comments the budgie made are quite flattering really
00:03:15It's the big night eve on ITV
00:03:19I can't see you but you can see me on the network
00:03:24Every Saturday night
00:03:27Got the whole of the network together tonight
00:03:29Thank you very much indeed
00:03:30You're very, very kind
00:03:32But now it's time for questions
00:03:33In fact, it is question time
00:03:34So, if you've got a question, let's hear it
00:03:35Before the...
00:03:36Put all the lights up
00:03:37And if you've got a question, wait for the microphone to get right up to you
00:03:39So, has anybody got a question here tonight?
00:03:40Yes, you sir, in the back row there
00:03:42Yes, sir, what is it?
00:03:43Well, Bruce, I sell gents toiletries
00:03:44And...
00:03:45Gents toilets?
00:03:46Toiletries, Bruce
00:03:47Oh, toiletries
00:03:48Oh, yes
00:03:49Do you use them?
00:03:50What do you use them?
00:03:51What do you use?
00:03:52And where would you use them?
00:03:53You don't mean, where do I put them?
00:03:56Well, I love aftershave
00:03:57The only thing is I do forget to put them on at times
00:03:58Oh, dear
00:03:59If you've got a question
00:04:00If you've got a question, wait for the microphone to get right up to you
00:04:02So, has anybody got a question here tonight?
00:04:03Yes, you sir, in the back row there
00:04:05Yes, sir, what is it?
00:04:07What do you use and where would you use them?
00:04:12You don't mean where do I put them?
00:04:15Well, I love aftershave.
00:04:17The only thing is I do forget to put them on at times.
00:04:19You know, people remind me.
00:04:25I particularly...
00:04:26Because Anthea loves me to wear aftershave lotion, actually.
00:04:29And my favourite, I think...
00:04:30I love the musk oils.
00:04:32I think the musk oils are particularly nice.
00:04:36Sensuous, Bruce.
00:04:37What's that?
00:04:38Sensuous.
00:04:40You sent me what?
00:04:42Sensuous, Bruce.
00:04:43It's hard to say that.
00:04:45But I do, I put it all on the chin.
00:04:47Mind you, I use more than anybody else.
00:04:52I mean, it's all right for Remedy Cooper.
00:04:53Splash it all over you, splash it all over you.
00:04:55You splash it all over you, you be careful.
00:04:59And the deodorant under the arms is most important, Bruce.
00:05:02Oh, yes, oh, yes, very important, that.
00:05:03Fair enough.
00:05:03Very important, especially if you're playing golf.
00:05:05Well, you go like that.
00:05:08Oh, boy.
00:05:10And your head comes up, and that's the end of the shot.
00:05:13What?
00:05:15Is that your wife with you, sir?
00:05:16No, Bruce.
00:05:17No, no.
00:05:18Well, whose wife is it, then?
00:05:19Just a friend of mine.
00:05:21Just a friend of mine.
00:05:22Well, thank you for your question very much indeed.
00:05:24Over this side, anybody got a question?
00:05:26Yes, the lady down there, the nice, the blonde-looking lady there with the white sweater on.
00:05:29Do you mind if I ask you something really intimate?
00:05:33Oh, just a minute.
00:05:34I'll go from perfumes or rather aftershave to something very intimate.
00:05:38You can be as intimate...
00:05:39What's your name, dear?
00:05:40Jackie.
00:05:41Jackie.
00:05:41You can be as intimate as you want.
00:05:43Intimate as you want to be.
00:05:46Have you got a hairy chest?
00:05:51Does it make any difference?
00:05:53Yes.
00:05:53Oh, it does?
00:05:54Yeah.
00:05:55Everybody wants to know.
00:05:56You mean everybody wants to know?
00:05:58Everybody back in Croydon.
00:05:59My greengrocer doesn't.
00:06:01You mean in Croydon?
00:06:02Yes.
00:06:03Yes, I do have a hairy chest.
00:06:04It's quite hairy, actually.
00:06:06Do you want proof?
00:06:06Please.
00:06:07All right.
00:06:09I can't believe this.
00:06:11Oh, jeez.
00:06:13That's quite...
00:06:14All right?
00:06:18Thanks, Mark.
00:06:20Is that hairy enough for you?
00:06:22It's the best chest I've seen all year.
00:06:24Oh, really?
00:06:26She's getting me at it this way.
00:06:28Who's that next to you?
00:06:29My boyfriend.
00:06:30Oh, your boyfriend?
00:06:31Has he got any hairs on his chest?
00:06:33Oh, yeah.
00:06:35It's been a whole year.
00:06:39Pull the other one.
00:06:42Surely you go paddling together.
00:06:45No, but thank you very much, my dear.
00:06:48Now, hands up all the ladies that like men to have hairy chests.
00:06:52Not many, you see.
00:06:54Not many.
00:06:55And hands up all the ladies who don't like hairy chests.
00:06:59Oh, the hours are not saying.
00:07:01Oh, it's like that.
00:07:02Anyway, thank you for your question.
00:07:03I wish you good luck with the boyfriend.
00:07:04And the lady down just in front of you.
00:07:06Do you have a question, my dear?
00:07:08You, dear.
00:07:09You?
00:07:09Me.
00:07:10Oh, you're just...
00:07:11Were you swatting a fly, then?
00:07:12No!
00:07:12You said, hands up those that don't like hairy chests, and I don't like hairy chests.
00:07:22Oh!
00:07:28Well, I hope you haven't got a hairy chest, then.
00:07:29I haven't.
00:07:31He hasn't.
00:07:31He hasn't.
00:07:31He hasn't.
00:07:32He's only got one.
00:07:33He's only got one.
00:07:34Yeah.
00:07:34I'll bet you some.
00:07:35Hairy chest, I mean.
00:07:41Anyway, thank you, my love.
00:07:42Anybody else got a question over this side?
00:07:44Yes, the other gentleman.
00:07:45You went down there, sir.
00:07:46Yes, up there, rather.
00:07:47In your house.
00:07:48In my house.
00:07:49Who takes the bath first, or do you have one together?
00:07:57Who takes the bath first?
00:07:59I normally take the bath first, because I normally have one.
00:08:03And I'm not going to ask for the second part.
00:08:06Do you bath with your Mrs. Linsert?
00:08:08Don't you dare.
00:08:09Well, he hasn't asked you yet.
00:08:21Are you going to keep your mouth shut, sir?
00:08:24I think it was the best way to get rid of him, wasn't it?
00:08:29Thank you very much for all your questions.
00:08:31Thank you very much.
00:08:36Well, now it's time.
00:08:37Tor beat the goalie.
00:08:38Once more, we've drawn out of the hat.
00:08:40And first of all, let's meet our professional goalkeeper.
00:08:43A man who's making a very, very big name for himself up north.
00:08:46With Manchester United, we welcome Gary Bailey.
00:08:59Well, we had Alex Stepney with us the other week.
00:09:02I believe so, yes.
00:09:03And you're doing a great job up there.
00:09:04When was your debut?
00:09:06Three weeks ago.
00:09:06Only three weeks ago.
00:09:07And you're doing very...
00:09:08I mean, people either hate them or they love them.
00:09:11But Manchester United, you're a great team and you've given us some lovely thrills.
00:09:14What has been your biggest thrill up to yet?
00:09:16It must be my debut three weeks ago, yes.
00:09:19It was a great game, clean sheet and...
00:09:21A clean sheet?
00:09:22When you got home, you mean.
00:09:26But you're thrilled about it and we wish you all the luck in the world.
00:09:29It must be marvellous to get...
00:09:30You know, it's like a performer playing at the Palladium for the first time.
00:09:34And for you to get your debut in the first division...
00:09:36Well, Old Shepard.
00:09:36Well, we wish you many happy years with Manchester United.
00:09:39Thank you for being with us.
00:09:40Thank you very much.
00:09:40Over there then, Gary.
00:09:41Now, who's on the left?
00:09:46Hello.
00:09:47Hello.
00:09:48Who are you?
00:09:49Carl Day.
00:09:50Carl Day.
00:09:51Well, it's your chance to prove what a difference a day makes.
00:09:54Right, Carl?
00:09:55Anyway, how's your dad?
00:09:56Right, thank you.
00:09:57What's his name?
00:09:58Bernard.
00:09:59Bernard.
00:09:59Oh, see.
00:10:00And what does he do for a living?
00:10:01He's a cavity wall insulator.
00:10:03A what?
00:10:04A cavity wall insulator.
00:10:05Sounds like a posh name for a dentist.
00:10:08And how's your mum?
00:10:09All right, thank you.
00:10:10What's her name?
00:10:11Jackie.
00:10:11Who?
00:10:12Jackie.
00:10:13Jackie?
00:10:14Yeah.
00:10:14Jackie.
00:10:14And where was she born?
00:10:16Goudhurst.
00:10:18Goudhurst.
00:10:18Goud...
00:10:19Jackie...
00:10:19Goud...
00:10:20Just a minute.
00:10:20What does she do for a living?
00:10:21I mean, does she do a job apart from looking after you?
00:10:24Yeah, she's a part-time office cleaner.
00:10:29Jocelyn Jackie.
00:10:29I know her well.
00:10:31The office cleaner, yes.
00:10:33I met her in an office once.
00:10:34It was cupboard love.
00:10:35All right, then.
00:10:37Now, there's Gary.
00:10:38He's in goal there, already.
00:10:39He's against the clock.
00:10:41You're first off.
00:10:42It could be for you.
00:10:42It could be against you.
00:10:43But good luck to you.
00:10:44You've got starting from now.
00:10:47Left.
00:10:51Shoot.
00:10:52Oh, yes.
00:10:54What a good one.
00:10:57Well done, Carl.
00:10:59That's 518.
00:11:00Your score's there.
00:11:01So, who now is on the line?
00:11:03Hello?
00:11:03Hello?
00:11:04Hello?
00:11:04Hello?
00:11:06Donna Inglebritton.
00:11:08Donna Inglebritton?
00:11:09Oh, that's lovely.
00:11:10Oh, and you're from Pearlie in Surrey.
00:11:12I see fine, my darling.
00:11:13And how's your dad?
00:11:14He's a GPO engineer.
00:11:17Yeah, he's all right.
00:11:21I'll ask the questions.
00:11:22You do the answers.
00:11:23All right, do you?
00:11:23All right.
00:11:24Fine, yes.
00:11:25I can't come to Pearlie and rehearse, you see.
00:11:28Right.
00:11:29Now, how is he?
00:11:30He's all right.
00:11:31Yeah, he's fine.
00:11:32What's his name?
00:11:33Rudolf.
00:11:34Rudolf?
00:11:34Yeah.
00:11:35Does he put a red nose off for Christmas?
00:11:38And he's...
00:11:38What did you say before?
00:11:39He's a what?
00:11:40He's a GPO engineer.
00:11:41Oh, I wondered why the line was so clear.
00:11:44Oh, I hear you're a bit of a musician as well.
00:11:46What do you play?
00:11:47Cello.
00:11:47Hello?
00:11:51Hello?
00:11:51Hello?
00:11:52Hello?
00:11:53Hello?
00:11:53I said, what did you play?
00:11:54Cello.
00:11:55Hello?
00:11:57Hello?
00:11:58Oh, well, we had a laugh then, didn't we, between ourselves.
00:12:01Oh, we're at 5.18 to beat, starting from now.
00:12:06Right.
00:12:09Shoot.
00:12:11Oh, yes.
00:12:14Well done, Donna.
00:12:16Well done, Donna.
00:12:17You're in the lead with 5.12.
00:12:20Hello?
00:12:20Hello?
00:12:21Hello?
00:12:22Hello?
00:12:23Who's that?
00:12:24Robert Crummins.
00:12:25Crummins?
00:12:26Yeah.
00:12:26Not in the bed.
00:12:28And you're from, where is it?
00:12:31Hounslow.
00:12:31Oh, Hounslow.
00:12:32Yes.
00:12:32And how old are you?
00:12:3314.
00:12:34And what school do you go to, Robert?
00:12:35Witton.
00:12:36Witton.
00:12:36Witton Comprehensive, that's right.
00:12:38Yes.
00:12:38And your mum, how's your mum?
00:12:40Fine.
00:12:41I see.
00:12:41And what does she do?
00:12:42I mean, apart from look after you.
00:12:43She works for a firm that produces school dinners.
00:12:46A firm that produces school dinners?
00:12:48Oh, no, that's on you.
00:12:49You haven't heard of that before.
00:12:50And what do they do after they produce the school dinners?
00:12:53What do they do then?
00:12:54Oh, they transport them to schools.
00:12:56Oh, I see.
00:12:57I see.
00:12:58So it's like, I've heard of Meals on Wheels.
00:13:00This is like muck on trucks.
00:13:04Didn't mean that, Barbara.
00:13:06Just a bit of fun, dear.
00:13:08Now, I'm sure she does a marvellous job and give her our love, won't she?
00:13:11What does your dad do?
00:13:12He's a painter and decorator.
00:13:13Oh, really?
00:13:14Oh, that's handy.
00:13:14Does he give your mother two coats for Christmas?
00:13:17And where does your dad come from?
00:13:21Latvia.
00:13:22What via?
00:13:23Latvia.
00:13:23Oh, Latvia.
00:13:24Yeah.
00:13:24Oh, Latvia, Latvia.
00:13:26I see.
00:13:26Any sisters?
00:13:27Brothers or sisters?
00:13:28Yeah, three sisters.
00:13:29Oh, all girls?
00:13:30Yeah.
00:13:30Yeah?
00:13:33Do they drive you mad?
00:13:36Yeah.
00:13:36They do.
00:13:37Well, they always do, sisters, but they're lovely, aren't they, really?
00:13:40No.
00:13:40Gary's here in the goal, so you've got 5-12 to beat, and it is very difficult.
00:13:46I'll tell you that, starting from now.
00:13:48Right.
00:13:51Shoot.
00:13:53Yes!
00:13:535-06.
00:13:56Well done, Robert.
00:13:59Stay on the line.
00:14:01And they really are putting them in the corners there for Gary.
00:14:04It really is.
00:14:05OK, who have I got now?
00:14:06Andrew Levy.
00:14:07Andrew Levy.
00:14:08All right.
00:14:09And you're from Chinkford, is that right?
00:14:10Yes.
00:14:11And how old are you, Andrew?
00:14:1213.
00:14:12Fine.
00:14:13And what school?
00:14:14Chinkford High.
00:14:14Chinkford High.
00:14:15Jolly good.
00:14:15And how's your mum?
00:14:16She's all right, thank you.
00:14:17And what does she do?
00:14:18Does she go to work at all?
00:14:19She has a full-time job.
00:14:21Full-time job?
00:14:21Oh, what's that?
00:14:22Looking after me, my three brothers and my dad.
00:14:25He really is a full-time job.
00:14:27And what about your dad?
00:14:28What's his name?
00:14:29Brian.
00:14:30And what does he do?
00:14:30He's a taxi driver.
00:14:31Oh, a taxi driver.
00:14:32Oh, yeah.
00:14:33Is he on nights or days?
00:14:34He goes nights.
00:14:35Oh, he does, yeah?
00:14:36He what?
00:14:36He leaves about 8 or 9 o'clock in the evening.
00:14:38Yeah.
00:14:38He gets home about 5 in the morning.
00:14:40Crikey, that's a long time.
00:14:41What's his name again?
00:14:42Brian.
00:14:43Brian.
00:14:43Brian Levy.
00:14:44I've seen him.
00:14:45Because I'm often out late, you know.
00:14:48He doesn't get home till 5?
00:14:50No.
00:14:50Well, don't tell your mother this,
00:14:51but I know he finishes at 2.
00:14:55Don't tell your mother, for goodness sake.
00:14:56Don't call.
00:14:56Because I don't want to cause trouble with people.
00:14:58I've seen him at 2 o'clock in the morning
00:14:59with his flag down.
00:15:04Shut up!
00:15:06Don't tell your mother, for goodness sake.
00:15:08Have you any...
00:15:08Do you do anything sort of in your spare time at all,
00:15:10Andrew?
00:15:12Yeah, I have a paper round.
00:15:12You've got a paper round?
00:15:13A paper round?
00:15:14Yeah.
00:15:15Oh, how much do you get a week for that?
00:15:17About £3.
00:15:17£3?
00:15:18Yeah.
00:15:19I'll give you four, not to deliver them.
00:15:21Right.
00:15:27So, Andrew, good luck.
00:15:28Here we go.
00:15:29Starting from now.
00:15:31Left.
00:15:34Shoot.
00:15:35Oh, yeah.
00:15:37Well, 488.
00:15:38You've got it.
00:15:39Well done, Andrew.
00:15:42All right, then.
00:15:43And we'll see you next week and come here and have a nice sort of time with us in the studio.
00:15:47All right, then?
00:15:48Yes.
00:15:48We'll look forward to that very much.
00:15:50Give my love to the family.
00:15:51Bye.
00:15:51Bad luck to the others.
00:15:52But bye-bye, Andrew.
00:15:53See you next week.
00:15:53Bye.
00:15:54Bye-bye now.
00:15:55Bit of fun.
00:15:55Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to bring back last week's winner.
00:16:06But before we do that, let's welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to our show, a man who's been
00:16:10a friend of mine for many, many years.
00:16:11We welcome Mr. Billy Dainty.
00:16:14Yes.
00:16:22I don't believe it.
00:16:24It's true.
00:16:24It's true.
00:16:25Well, now, look, we've never had a woman.
00:16:28We've never had a woman.
00:16:30No, I don't mean I've never had a woman.
00:16:31I've never.
00:16:31We've never had a woman.
00:16:33No.
00:16:33Instead of goalkeeper before.
00:16:35Oh, well, I've been training, you know.
00:16:37Are you really?
00:16:37Oh, I've been training for weeks.
00:16:38Oh, look.
00:16:39I mean.
00:16:43I've never seen anything.
00:17:05Now, listen.
00:17:06This must be for a pet.
00:17:07Give me this.
00:17:08That's a place.
00:17:09She's an ash boy.
00:17:10This must be.
00:17:11This must be.
00:17:13This must be for a pantomime.
00:17:15Where are you at the moment?
00:17:17We're at Wimbledon.
00:17:17I'm holding your hand.
00:17:18I know, I know.
00:17:19For goodness sake.
00:17:19I was quite liking it.
00:17:21You're at Wimbledon?
00:17:22Yes, Wimbledon.
00:17:23Oh, well, I hope you have a marvellous season there.
00:17:24That's all right.
00:17:25It's my battery.
00:17:26Oh, it's your battery.
00:17:26Yes, my transmitter.
00:17:29But we do hope you have a lovely time.
00:17:31Thank you very much.
00:17:32Who else is in it with you?
00:17:33Rod Hall and the duck.
00:17:35Oh, the duck.
00:17:37The duck.
00:17:38Have more respect for the top of the bills, please.
00:17:40Pardon?
00:17:40But listen, thank you for being with us.
00:17:45God knows what you're going to get up to in that goal.
00:17:47Am I going somewhere else?
00:17:49You're going to go in a moment.
00:17:50But first of all, we want you to meet the person who was last week's winner.
00:17:54All right, yes.
00:17:54I know he's dying to meet you.
00:17:56Let's behave yourself.
00:17:58Here he is, Kevin Baker.
00:17:59There we are.
00:18:00Don't worry about this.
00:18:14Now, don't forget, he's got to get two past you out of three.
00:18:16All right, then.
00:18:17Two what?
00:18:20What are we doing?
00:18:20This for real?
00:18:21You go.
00:18:21Yes.
00:18:22Oh, what?
00:18:23Get between the goalposts.
00:18:24All right, then.
00:18:25Oh, you know me.
00:18:25Billy Davey, you fool.
00:18:36You're operating.
00:18:37You're moving to the left or to the right, everywhere you want to go, and up a bit and
00:18:40all that.
00:18:40But don't press the black button until you're ready.
00:18:43All right, then?
00:18:43Then the bionic striker will definitely strike.
00:18:46Okay.
00:18:46Now, I don't have to see this.
00:18:48Are you in the goal there?
00:18:49Billy?
00:18:49Billy?
00:18:49Billy?
00:18:50Billy?
00:18:55Billy?
00:18:56Billy?
00:18:57Billy?
00:18:58Billy?
00:18:59Billy?
00:19:00Billy?
00:19:01Billy?
00:19:02Billy?
00:19:03Billy?
00:19:04Billy?
00:19:05Billy?
00:19:06Billy?
00:19:07Billy?
00:19:08Billy?
00:19:09All right, then.
00:19:10All right.
00:19:11All right.
00:19:12All right.
00:19:13Now, all you've got to do...
00:19:14OK, are you ready there, Bill?
00:19:15Pardon?
00:19:16Yes, I'm ready, Bruce.
00:19:17All right, he's got to get two past you in under 20 seconds.
00:19:19All right, he's got three goes altogether.
00:19:20All right, then, Kevin.
00:19:21Are you ready starting from now?
00:19:22Where's the ball? Hold on!
00:19:37We've lost the ball!
00:19:38Just a minute!
00:19:39Hold on!
00:19:40Where's the ball gone?
00:19:41I don't know, I'll die!
00:19:44Where did the ball go?
00:19:46I don't know it! We've lost it!
00:19:49Have we got the ball?
00:19:50I think you're going to have to start that again!
00:19:52We'll start it again, all right!
00:19:53What's going on?
00:20:12Well, come on and say good evening again and start talking about her dress.
00:20:18All right, then, you've got 20 seconds to score two girls out of three.
00:20:21Hold on, hold on!
00:20:21I'm not ready!
00:20:23Yet!
00:20:25You do as you're told!
00:20:26All right, then!
00:20:27This is the big one, all right, then?
00:20:3020 seconds!
00:20:3120 seconds!
00:20:31Two girls out of three!
00:20:33Go to the three!
00:20:36Stay where you are!
00:20:37I'll stay where you are!
00:20:38Starting from...
00:20:38From now!
00:20:39Now!
00:20:40We've got loads of time!
00:20:53All right, off we go, starting from now!
00:20:57Oh!
00:20:58Oh, he's got it!
00:21:06He's got it!
00:21:07Yes!
00:21:07He's got it!
00:21:09Yes!
00:21:09He's got it!
00:21:10And on the bachelorette tonight, 50 long-playing records.
00:21:16A watch, a camera, a television tennis game, an organ, a billiard table, a cine kit, a set of golf clubs,
00:21:24a portable colour television set, and a stereo music centre.
00:21:29Which time would you like to do?
00:21:30And if you're in state...
00:21:36How old are you?
00:21:3815? Do you want to be 16?
00:21:40Oh, Vanthyr said, no, no, a part of Vanthyr, what would you like?
00:21:45The stereo, right at the top, a real good bash, all right then, a real good bash.
00:21:49Off you go.
00:21:51Oh! Oh! Bad luck.
00:21:54You've got the television anyway.
00:21:56All right then, you've got the television if you want it.
00:21:58All right then, go for the stereo.
00:22:01Oh!
00:22:04Do you want to go or do you want me to go?
00:22:06No, I'm sorry.
00:22:07No, you want to go?
00:22:08There you go.
00:22:10Oh!
00:22:11Oh!
00:22:14Go on, Steph!
00:22:15Go on, Steph.
00:22:19There you are.
00:22:21There's a very, very good interview.
00:22:23There we are.
00:22:26All right.
00:22:27Do you have 50 pounds?
00:22:29There we are.
00:22:30You had a big match?
00:22:31There we are.
00:22:32Thank you for being with us, Vinnie Daisley, Gary Bailey and Kevin Baker.
00:22:36All right, guys.
00:22:37Welcome back, and yes, she's here.
00:23:04Let's meet her and let's greet her, the lovely Anthea.
00:23:07That is so beautiful.
00:23:20I love it.
00:23:21It's so feminine.
00:23:22Lovely.
00:23:23Well, hello, my sweetheart.
00:23:24Hello, Bruce.
00:23:25What's the matter this time?
00:23:28I'll tell you what the matter is.
00:23:31It's last week's screen test.
00:23:32Oh, you mean when the winner became James Bond and all those lovely girls kissed him and
00:23:36then they fainted on the floor.
00:23:37I thought it was a lot of fun.
00:23:38Really?
00:23:39Yeah.
00:23:40Why didn't you ask me to be one of the girls?
00:23:43I'm sorry about that.
00:23:45I'm sorry.
00:23:46Well, this week I thought we'd have a rerun of the sketch.
00:23:49I'm including me.
00:23:50You mean the whole thing again?
00:23:51Six beautiful girls kissing James Bond?
00:23:54No, Bruce.
00:23:56Just me and six James Bonds.
00:23:59Go archetype, Tiffany.
00:24:00They're one of the girls.
00:24:02I don't know who she was, but I'm not too...
00:24:03I don't know who she was.
00:24:04I'm not too bad.
00:24:05But what are you...
00:24:06I dont know who she is, but they have a drink.
00:24:08I don't know who she left it because they are.
00:24:09They have a drink with tea.
00:24:10They have a drink with tea.
00:24:11I'm not too hungry.
00:24:12I'm not too hungry.
00:24:13I can't eat any of them.
00:24:14The whole thing I need to drink a drink.
00:24:15They have oz.
00:24:16The whole thing I need to drink with tea.
00:24:17For goodness sake, you can't leave these bodies everywhere, for goodness sake.
00:24:31It looks like Joan Collins' dustbin.
00:24:36Anyway, you can't leave them here like this.
00:24:38You can't.
00:24:39Okay, boys, I'm ready to leave now.
00:24:47It's all right, they didn't see the wire.
00:24:59Oh, no, there wasn't.
00:25:01Oh, yes, there was.
00:25:03Anyways, now to find out who's going to take part later on in the big night screen test.
00:25:09The jury up there, you'll be judging our contestants on personality, quick-wittedness and sense of humour.
00:25:15All right, then, they're going to come along to tell us a personal experience,
00:25:18and then I'm going to sort of recite a little limerick, and they've got to put a line to it.
00:25:22I did, we did actually give them the limerick beforehand for them to make up their own mind what the last line would be.
00:25:29So this is, as I say, a sense of humour test as well.
00:25:32Our jury are ready.
00:25:33Have we got a screen tester there?
00:25:35And this is Cliff Smith, he's 23, single, and lives in East Kilbride.
00:25:49Oh, Kilbride, yes.
00:25:51Ah, he's a sales rep...
00:25:53He's a sales rep for Andrews Liversault.
00:25:58Oh.
00:26:02Pardon?
00:26:04It's a good job, though.
00:26:05It's a good job.
00:26:06You enjoy it?
00:26:06Yes.
00:26:07Do I like to run in a boat?
00:26:08Yeah.
00:26:10Keeps you on the go.
00:26:12Yeah.
00:26:12All right, then, tell us a bit more about it.
00:26:14Ah, Cliff is engaged to Lynne Murray.
00:26:16Lynne Murray?
00:26:18Lynne Murray.
00:26:18Oh, sorry.
00:26:19Sorry, if it's Lynne Murray.
00:26:20No.
00:26:20You can say, yeah, Lynne Murray, yes, yes, yes.
00:26:22He's known Lynne for five years, but they've only been engaged for just a year.
00:26:26Oh, yeah, well, take your time, you know, you can't, you can't, Harry and marry.
00:26:32Oh, no, no, no, you can't, Harry and marry, Bint.
00:26:36Yes, you know.
00:26:39You can say, yeah.
00:26:41Jolly good, yes.
00:26:43Um, Cliff's parents are called, yes.
00:26:45Just a minute, just a minute, is Lynne here?
00:26:46Is Lynne here?
00:26:47Where is Lynne?
00:26:48Oh, there.
00:26:49Oh, she's there.
00:26:49Come on, can we have a shot of her?
00:26:50Oh, she looks nice, she looks nice.
00:26:52Hello, my darling, you all right?
00:26:54Jolly good, fine.
00:26:55Okay, well, I just wanted to see if she was Ian, it's all right.
00:27:00Cliff's parents are called...
00:27:01Cliff's parents are called Jesse and James.
00:27:07Oh, yeah, Jesse James.
00:27:09You've got to watch that, Lynne, you know, they might be in-laws, they could turn into outlaws.
00:27:14Jesse James.
00:27:16All right, Lynne.
00:27:18Oops.
00:27:20Yes, go ahead, away you go.
00:27:21By the way, you know, you know, if you do get married, Lynne and Cliff, you know, and you sort of, you know, you sort of, you become Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and you go on your honeymoon, I just want to know, what name are you going to sign when you sign the hotel register?
00:27:35Smith.
00:27:36Are you?
00:27:37You'll get chucked out.
00:27:38But never mind.
00:27:39Never mind.
00:27:39Thank you for being with us.
00:27:40And Lynne's up there, so you've got nothing to worry about.
00:27:42Now, this is a personal experience, something that actually happened to you personally.
00:27:46Yeah.
00:27:46Let's make that clear.
00:27:47Go, away you go.
00:27:49All right.
00:27:49Well, Bruce, it was a couple of years back when Scotland were playing in England at Wembley.
00:27:53Yes.
00:27:54And my friends, quite a few friends and myself, were going down in a supporters bus.
00:27:58Yeah.
00:27:59It's quite an old bus, and we got to Birmingham, and there was a bit of trouble with the bus, so the chap said, well, I'll have to come off the motorway, and I'll leave you in Birmingham for about an hour.
00:28:09Yeah.
00:28:09You can do what you like.
00:28:10So, being Scots, we went to a pub, and we know that you, the English, have difficulty in understanding us, but can you imagine us Scots going to a pub in Birmingham?
00:28:21Yeah.
00:28:22It's about 40 of us walk into this pub, and we've got up to the bar, and I don't know if you've ever heard the Scots talking, but it's...
00:28:31Oh, Jimmy!
00:28:32Oh, yes.
00:28:33Yeah, you know, I mean...
00:28:34Sean Connery talks like that all the time.
00:28:37Oh, here we go.
00:28:39Oh, here we go.
00:28:40Oh, yes.
00:28:41Yeah, go on, yes, I doubt you mean it.
00:28:42It's frightening.
00:28:43Yeah, so it's sort of...
00:28:44Oh, Jimmy!
00:28:44Two pints of heavy!
00:28:46That means two pints of your best bitter, young man.
00:28:49Yes, yes.
00:28:49You know?
00:28:50And, uh...
00:28:51The barman, he sort of looked at us, and he wasn't too sure, and he replied,
00:28:57Do I go sure, right, pity?
00:29:02So...
00:29:03Shit.
00:29:04So we felt worse than him, you know?
00:29:05Yeah.
00:29:06So we just gave in, we thought, we'll do without a drink.
00:29:10Being Scots, good willpower.
00:29:12And, uh...
00:29:12We get back...
00:29:13We get back onto the bus, and we get into London, and a good few hours early, and we decided
00:29:19to go around and see some of the sights.
00:29:21Hyde Park, Soho, Carnaby Street, Soho, and...
00:29:26Keep going back, right?
00:29:29Keep going back, good boys.
00:29:31And so we eventually started heading towards Wembley, because there was no buses.
00:29:34Seemingly something happened a few years back with the Scotland fans, they took a little
00:29:39bit of the Wembley turf.
00:29:40Yeah, yeah.
00:29:41So, you know, so they had no buses for us.
00:29:43Oh.
00:29:43And, uh...
00:29:44So we're heading towards Wembley, and there was this big removal van, big furniture removal
00:29:49van, with the tail parked down, and an old chap reading his paper at the side of it.
00:29:55So I thought on a good idea, and I went up to him and says,
00:29:57Oh, Jimmy!
00:29:59And he said,
00:30:00You're right.
00:30:01I said,
00:30:01Could you give us a lift to Wembley?
00:30:05Now, how can I be giving you a lift to Wembley?
00:30:07He said, he was Irish, by the way.
00:30:08Oh, yeah.
00:30:10Thanks for telling us, yeah.
00:30:12Yes, go on.
00:30:15Now, how can I be giving you a lift to Wembley?
00:30:17I says,
00:30:18In your van.
00:30:20And he sort of looked at us and said,
00:30:22Right, there, no problem.
00:30:25So we all sort of gave him a few pounds,
00:30:26and we all piled into the back of this furniture removal van,
00:30:30and he put the tail up and snibbed both sides,
00:30:33and then he ran away.
00:30:34It wasn't his van.
00:30:35Oh, my God.
00:30:44He really did that.
00:30:45He cut all the back.
00:30:47Look at his thing.
00:30:47Boom.
00:30:48Oh, that's very funny, Cliff.
00:30:51Oh, my goodness.
00:30:52And the Scotsman as well.
00:30:55That must have hurt right there.
00:30:56Well, it hurts.
00:30:57Oh.
00:30:57All right, Cliff.
00:30:58Now, we did give you this limerick beforehand.
00:31:00You've got to make up the last line,
00:31:02which we gave you about an hour ago,
00:31:03so it's up to you.
00:31:04Here we go.
00:31:05A cheeky young...
00:31:06Sorry.
00:31:07A cheeky young husband called Dick...
00:31:10...rang up the exchange for a trick.
00:31:16He said,
00:31:17This calls for my mother-in-law.
00:31:21And I've only two pence.
00:31:22Make it quick.
00:31:24You get it?
00:31:25Very good.
00:31:26Very good.
00:31:27Cliff, Cliff.
00:31:28Oh, and here's your mark.
00:31:307, 50, 24, 31, 39.
00:31:34Very good marks, indeed.
00:31:35Thank you, Cliff, for being with us.
00:31:37Stay right there.
00:31:37Now, who have we got now, Anthea?
00:31:42And this is Chris May.
00:31:44He's 21 and single.
00:31:46Oh, another single one, yes.
00:31:47And Chris May.
00:31:48Yes.
00:31:48So no girl has said Chris May.
00:31:50Not yet.
00:31:51I see.
00:31:52And how tall are you, by the way?
00:31:55How tall is he?
00:31:56Six foot one.
00:31:56Oh, yeah, Maypole.
00:32:00Yes.
00:32:00Chris is a telephone sales agent for BA.
00:32:03BA?
00:32:03What's that?
00:32:04Busby answers?
00:32:06No, just your fly-the-flag carrier.
00:32:08Oh, I see.
00:32:09Oh, British Airways.
00:32:09Yes.
00:32:10Oh, I call them belated arrivals.
00:32:12Shall we all sing the theme of British Airways?
00:32:16Why are we waiting?
00:32:21We just wanted to make you feel ashamed.
00:32:23No, they do a grand job.
00:32:25They really do badly.
00:32:25But there we are.
00:32:27No.
00:32:28His job entails being in front of a computer screen with a GPO set on.
00:32:33Is that all?
00:32:35Really?
00:32:35I mean, do you just stand there with just your silhouette showing and your head set on?
00:32:39Of course.
00:32:40I mean, it sounds a bit kinky to me.
00:32:42I mean, it does.
00:32:43Keep him that side.
00:32:43And what happens then?
00:32:47Then he answers queries from the public.
00:32:49I bet he does.
00:32:50I'm going to go and see you this bit.
00:32:54What time does the second show start?
00:32:56Sounds quite...
00:32:57Yes.
00:32:57Anything?
00:32:57Chris also appreciates beautiful things.
00:33:00Well, thank you very much indeed.
00:33:01And that will get you everywhere.
00:33:03Thank you very much, Anthony, for bringing him on.
00:33:05If you'll just put your elbow there.
00:33:07If you want to, you can stand up normally if you don't mind.
00:33:09But Christopher, this is a personal experience to happen to you.
00:33:12Yes.
00:33:13Johnny Good, away you go in your own time.
00:33:14Right.
00:33:15Well, my hometown is in Bristol.
00:33:16And it was whilst I was visiting Bristol for a weekend.
00:33:19Yes, yes.
00:33:20There were about three of us.
00:33:21On the way back, we were standing on the platform, waiting for the train.
00:33:24The train pulls in.
00:33:26And we're just about to get on the train when this enormous bloke...
00:33:29I mean, he was really enormous.
00:33:30Must have been a wrestler or a boxer.
00:33:32Yes.
00:33:32I mean, he was even taller than you and broader shoulders.
00:33:35Yes.
00:33:35It was enormous.
00:33:37Pushed straight past us to get on the train.
00:33:39Yes.
00:33:40I mean, that annoyed me to start with.
00:33:41But fair enough, we got on the train and we sat down.
00:33:45The train pulled off, late as usual.
00:33:48But we settled down.
00:33:51We decided we wanted a drink and a sandwich.
00:33:53Club together, managed to afford a sandwich.
00:33:58And we went up to the buffet car.
00:34:00We're just about...
00:34:01Just standing at the buffet car, waiting to be served.
00:34:04And would you believe it, this bloke comes along, barges straight past us again.
00:34:08Again, the same fella?
00:34:09Yeah, this enormous, great, big hulk.
00:34:11Yes.
00:34:11Of a person.
00:34:12Yes.
00:34:13And sits in the little corner and he sits there, puts this little box on the table, pulls this aerial up.
00:34:20Yeah.
00:34:20And just sits there, looking down at the table like this.
00:34:24So all of us are intrigued and we're looking around him, trying to figure out what he's doing.
00:34:28So one of us finds out it's a TV that he's got, one of these little portable...
00:34:31Oh, they're little small ones.
00:34:32Oh, yes, yes, I've seen them, yeah.
00:34:34So we're all being a bit nosy, sort of trying to find out what's on TV.
00:34:38Yeah.
00:34:39And no way would he have it.
00:34:40He's guarding this thing and he's looking right into the screen, guarding it with his coat and everything.
00:34:44Yeah.
00:34:45And anyway, the next thing we know is things start flying everywhere.
00:34:48Sandwiches go flying, cups of tea go flying.
00:34:51Someone will pull the communication cord, we think.
00:34:53Everything went deadly silent on the train and then this little voice from over in the corner peeps out,
00:34:59Time to get into your basket, Andy Pandy, and wave goodbye.
00:35:11Very good.
00:35:12Actually, I must admit, I love it myself, I do really, little Andy Pandy.
00:35:17Right, well now, here comes your limerick, which you were given about an hour ago and you had to think up a last line.
00:35:22Here we go.
00:35:22An unfortunate young referee said, please blame my whistle, not me.
00:35:28I admit it is known that I should have blown.
00:35:31But I can't until they give me a pee.
00:35:40Thank you very much, Christopher, for being with us.
00:35:45Off you go down there, that's Marlott and who have we got now?
00:35:51How are you?
00:35:52And this is Dick Whittington.
00:35:55Oh, no it isn't.
00:35:57Oh, yes it is.
00:35:59Oh, no it isn't.
00:36:00Is it really?
00:36:02Yes.
00:36:02It is Dick Whittington.
00:36:03Oh, where's your bundle?
00:36:04Oh, where's your bundle?
00:36:05Your bundle?
00:36:06Oh, I think you wouldn't always have a bundle.
00:36:08Oh, I left it at home.
00:36:08Oh, yeah.
00:36:09Turn again with, would you like to do a 12?
00:36:10Oh, I'd love to.
00:36:12Anyway, thank you for being with us, that's fine.
00:36:14He was born in Walter.
00:36:16Walter?
00:36:16Walter, that's got to be wrong.
00:36:17It must be a W up the wrong way.
00:36:19It must be a M up the wrong way.
00:36:20No, no, no, no.
00:36:21Walter is in Salon.
00:36:22Oh, in Salon.
00:36:23Oh, sorry.
00:36:23Is it really?
00:36:24Walter in Salon.
00:36:24I learn something every day.
00:36:26And Dick works for BP Oil.
00:36:28Oh, a slick Dick.
00:36:34Lynn's still there, all right?
00:36:35He's a detergent export assistant.
00:36:38Oh, I see.
00:36:38So you export detergent and then you get rid of the oil with it later on.
00:36:42You see, you've got it made, haven't you?
00:36:43Yeah.
00:36:44A marvellous idea there.
00:36:45Jolly good, yes?
00:36:46They have no children.
00:36:47Oh, yeah.
00:36:48I mean, you skipped out a bit.
00:36:50Dick is married to Jill.
00:36:51Oh, so he is.
00:36:52Dick is married to Jill.
00:36:56Oh, really?
00:36:57Dick and Jill went up the hill to drill for BP Oil.
00:37:02Jill came down with a nasty frown and said,
00:37:05I'm not that kind of a goyle.
00:37:14Said what?
00:37:16Said, I'm not that kind of a goyle.
00:37:18See, to rhyme with oil.
00:37:22It's a lovely Christmas I am.
00:37:25Yes.
00:37:26You just get up.
00:37:27All right, then leave the hill.
00:37:29All right, then.
00:37:29You're a good sport, I'll tell you that.
00:37:31Pardon me.
00:37:31Now, this is an experience.
00:37:33It has gone a bit.
00:37:34It's all right.
00:37:35Don't worry about it.
00:37:36It's a wonder it lasted.
00:37:37Listen.
00:37:38This is a personal experience that happened to you.
00:37:40Yes.
00:37:40Right?
00:37:41Away you go in your own time.
00:37:42Good.
00:37:42Well, it happened about this time last year.
00:37:44And I was having a bit of trouble starting the car, what with this colder weather, you see.
00:37:47Yes, yes.
00:37:48So I put the car battery on charge all over the weekend so that I have that little bit
00:37:51extra on the Monday morning when I had to go to work, you see.
00:37:53Quick thinking.
00:37:54I know what you mean.
00:37:54Catch the train.
00:37:54Yes, yes, I know what you mean.
00:37:56So on my way out the door, I shouted up to the wife.
00:37:58I said, I'm going now.
00:38:00All right, my love?
00:38:01I don't know.
00:38:01I always called her my love.
00:38:02Don't be too cheeky.
00:38:14I might get the air back later.
00:38:17Liberty take of this one.
00:38:18It'll never win.
00:38:20Yes.
00:38:20So I went into the garage with the keys ready, you see.
00:38:23With the keys ready?
00:38:23I put the key in the ignition.
00:38:24Yes.
00:38:25And it was quite lively.
00:38:25It went to all.
00:38:26Rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr.
00:38:27Well, the battery was going down, so I was like, Dick, give it one more go.
00:38:41So I tried it one more time.
00:38:43Rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr.
00:38:49Well, it wouldn't start, so I thought I'd better phone up the AA man.
00:38:52Yes, yes.
00:38:52You only live around the corner, so I phone up.
00:38:54I said, hello, Dave, Dave, Dick here.
00:38:56Now, will you come and help me?
00:38:58My car won't start.
00:38:59He said, oh, I've just got out of bed.
00:39:01He said, phone up another one.
00:39:03I said, well, look, please come and help me.
00:39:05I've got to get a train.
00:39:07So I said, well, look, maybe if I push it down to your house.
00:39:10He said, OK, then.
00:39:11So I went inside again.
00:39:13Well, I was inside already, wasn't I?
00:39:14Yeah.
00:39:16I can't make a phone box.
00:39:19So I went upstairs, pulled the wife out of bed.
00:39:21Well, someone had to push the car, didn't they?
00:39:22So my wife wasn't too happy about it.
00:39:28We were pushing the car down the road, and I tripped on a stone, you see.
00:39:32Yes, yes.
00:39:33Well, I lost complete control, and the car went careering down the road.
00:39:36Not too fast, but it sounds good.
00:39:38Yeah.
00:39:40I looked away, you see.
00:39:42Yeah.
00:39:42And the next minute I heard...
00:39:44Oh, no.
00:39:47I looked up, and it hit a van.
00:39:49When I got there, guess whose van it was?
00:39:50No, B.I.A. van.
00:39:54It's quite nice.
00:39:56It's quite nice.
00:39:57Don't really have it.
00:39:58That's a lot of fun.
00:40:01That is fun.
00:40:02That's really good.
00:40:03That's very good.
00:40:04Now then, Dick, here comes the limerick.
00:40:06All right, then.
00:40:06So this is all a part of the test tonight, and we gave you the last line.
00:40:12We didn't give you the last line.
00:40:13That's all we didn't give you.
00:40:14Right.
00:40:14All right, it was up to you to think of one.
00:40:15Here we go.
00:40:15A young soccer player called Bert said girls playing football won't hurt.
00:40:21They may not be much of kicking at such.
00:40:24But they're great for exchanging a shirt.
00:40:27Oh.
00:40:29Yes.
00:40:30Very good.
00:40:31Oh, look.
00:40:329, 19, 29, 39, 48.
00:40:37I think it's one of the highest scores, you bet it?
00:40:39Oh.
00:40:40They're lovely, Dick.
00:40:42Well done.
00:40:43Well done.
00:40:43How have we got on, then?
00:40:45Well, actually, Dick can come straight back on again, because Dick Whittington has won with
00:40:4948 points.
00:40:49Well, that's...
00:40:50You're glad it's over?
00:40:58Yes.
00:40:58Well, it isn't all over yet.
00:40:5948 points, that's the highest we've ever got.
00:41:01Now, come on, my darling.
00:41:02Quick.
00:41:02Could we have...
00:41:04Yes, there we are.
00:41:05Thank you, Claire.
00:41:05Here we have your gold, Brucie.
00:41:07All right, then.
00:41:08That's for the mantelpiece.
00:41:09We'll give it to the AA man, if you like.
00:41:11Probably smash the face in.
00:41:12But there you go, that's all yours.
00:41:14And all our losers will be getting the silver one.
00:41:17All right, then.
00:41:17Thank you again, my darling.
00:41:18Now, you're going to take part in the big night screen test.
00:41:21We've got a beautiful film star for you to work with.
00:41:24It could be a lot of fun.
00:41:25All right, then.
00:41:25All right.
00:41:25So we'll see you soon.
00:41:26Go and get ready.
00:41:27All right, then.
00:41:28Lovely.
00:41:28Well, now...
00:41:29And now, it's time to see that fantastic dance group.
00:41:38Ladies and gentlemen, let's meet 32 feet in the bush.
00:41:42applause
00:41:43I like to do the things you like to do, too.
00:42:03I like to do it, do it.
00:42:05I want to do the things you want to do, too
00:42:09So baby, let's get to it, to it
00:42:13Some hearts don't find no peace, peace, peace of mind
00:42:17Peace of mind
00:42:19If you must do no peace, peace, peace of mind
00:42:24Come on and do it, do it
00:42:27Are you ready? Are you ready for this?
00:42:31Do you like it? Do you like it like this?
00:42:33Are you ready? Are you ready for this?
00:42:35Do you like it? Do you like it like this?
00:42:36Are you ready? Are you ready for this?
00:42:38Do you like it? Do you like it like this?
00:42:40Are you ready? Are you ready for this?
00:42:42Do you like it? Do you like it like this?
00:42:43Bush, bush, in the bush
00:42:45You know I like to go
00:42:47Bush, bush, in the bush
00:42:48How about if we could go?
00:42:50Bush, bush, in the bush
00:42:52You know I want to get there
00:42:54Get down, get down, do it, do it
00:42:56In the bush, bush
00:42:59In the bush, bush
00:43:02In the bush, bush
00:43:06In the bush, in the bush
00:43:12You know I like it, I like it
00:43:16Some of the time beats part of the time
00:43:18Part of the time beats none at all
00:43:20Some of the time beats part of the time
00:43:22Part of the time beats none at all
00:43:24In the bush, bush
00:43:26In the bush, bush
00:43:30Yeah!
00:43:32Thank you, 32 feet.
00:43:37Well, now, it's time for the big night screen test.
00:43:41Testing tonight for the Corsican brother
00:43:43is our winning screen tester, Dick Whittington.
00:43:52And the part of Isabella will be played by our guest film star, Kate O'Mara.
00:44:02Ladies and gentlemen, the Corsican brothers.
00:44:24No, Nellie, it's not Noddy in Toyland.
00:44:27Don't start.
00:44:29So this, so this.
00:44:32That slowed him down a bit.
00:44:42Douglas Fairbanks, eat your heart out.
00:44:45So this must be the castle of the evil Kelowna,
00:44:48and it is here at the appointed hour
00:44:50I am to meet my twin brother, Lucien.
00:44:53But hark, I think I hear a footstep.
00:44:56It must be Lucien, my identical twin.
00:44:59Chin-chin, Lucien.
00:45:15It is good to see you.
00:45:18My brother, Mario, I cannot go through with this, mon dieu.
00:45:23I am too frightened.
00:45:25Oh, Sacrableu.
00:45:26I cannot do it.
00:45:27I...
00:45:28I...
00:45:28Sacrableu.
00:45:29Sacrableu.
00:45:31Sacrableu?
00:45:32What are you talking about?
00:45:33You mustn't talk like that.
00:45:34Why not?
00:45:35Because you're supposed to be Italian.
00:45:37You're saying it like a Frenchman.
00:45:38All right, then.
00:45:39This is the Corsican...
00:45:40Cut!
00:45:41Cut!
00:45:41This is the Corsican brothers.
00:45:43All right, then?
00:45:43Do you think you can do it?
00:45:45Corsican.
00:45:49Corsican.
00:45:49See, you made a mockery of the whole thing already.
00:45:53Anyway, action.
00:45:55But look, Lucien, how identical we are.
00:45:58Look.
00:45:58By some freak of nature, every time something happens to one of us, it's the other one who
00:46:04feels everything.
00:46:05But it's good to...
00:46:06Ooh.
00:46:08It's so good to see you again.
00:46:11It really is.
00:46:12But remember, for instance, that time I put a pair of tight trousers on.
00:46:17Yes, I was the one whose eyes started watering.
00:46:22And what about the time Bernard Manning told me a joke?
00:46:25Yes, and I was the one who fell asleep.
00:46:28And remember the night I ate that plate of enormous oysters?
00:46:33Yes, my landlady has never forgiven me.
00:46:38Yes, it was a shame they made you so sick.
00:46:41But enough of that.
00:46:41We are here to rescue my beloved fiancée, Isabelle, from the clutches of the dastardly
00:46:46Count Kelowna.
00:46:47In fact, look out.
00:46:49Here he comes now.
00:46:52Of course, second brothers.
00:46:53I might have known.
00:46:55En garde!
00:46:58You do not frighten me, you blackguard.
00:47:00I am the master.
00:47:02Blackguard?
00:47:02You blackguard!
00:47:06Take that off.
00:47:07It's worrying.
00:47:07It's getting on mine now.
00:47:08It's getting on your game.
00:47:09Take the blimmy thing off.
00:47:10It's bigger than mine.
00:47:11Anyway, I am the master swordsman with a deft wristwatch.
00:47:22What?
00:47:23Come on!
00:47:24Death wristwatch?
00:47:26It's I'm a master swordsman with a deft wristwatch.
00:47:30For goodness sake!
00:47:34Dick, this is where you show how good you are with the sword.
00:47:39Take out your rapier.
00:47:43I said take out your rapier.
00:47:45Yes, go on, take it out.
00:47:51Very funny.
00:47:53Who turned this central agent up?
00:47:55All right, never mind.
00:47:57Use mine.
00:47:58All right, Dick, here we are.
00:47:58Use mine.
00:47:59Okay, then.
00:48:00Cut!
00:48:00Right!
00:48:02Action!
00:48:02You see, this is where you do the flashy swordplay bit.
00:48:04Right.
00:48:05Make a go at that candle.
00:48:06Give a good flash at the...
00:48:07Impressive.
00:48:08Go on, a flash at the candle.
00:48:10Ha!
00:48:10Ha!
00:48:10Ha!
00:48:11Ha!
00:48:11Ha!
00:48:11Ha!
00:48:11Ha!
00:48:12Ha!
00:48:12Ha!
00:48:12Ha!
00:48:12Ha!
00:48:13Ha!
00:48:13Ha!
00:48:13Ha!
00:48:14Ha!
00:48:14Ha!
00:48:15Ha!
00:48:15Ha!
00:48:16Ha!
00:48:17Ha!
00:48:18Ha!
00:48:19Ha!
00:48:20Ha!
00:48:21Ha!
00:48:22Ha!
00:48:23Ha!
00:48:24Ha!
00:48:25Ha!
00:48:26Ha!
00:48:27Ha!
00:48:28Ha!
00:48:29Ha!
00:48:30Ha!
00:48:31Ha!
00:48:32Ha!
00:48:33Ha!
00:48:34Ha!
00:48:35Ha!
00:48:36Ha!
00:48:37Ha!
00:48:38Ha!
00:48:39Ha!
00:48:40All wrapped and sliced!
00:48:42I'll tell you something, he's better than I thought still.
00:48:44There's nothing to worry about, my brother.
00:48:46All you've got to do is fight him.
00:48:48But remember, I'm the one who's going to feel all the pain.
00:48:51Okay?
00:48:52You won't feel a ting.
00:48:53Off you go.
00:48:54Go get him.
00:48:55Go get him.
00:48:56Ha!
00:48:57Ha!
00:48:58Ha!
00:48:59Ha!
00:49:00Ha!
00:49:01Ha!
00:49:02Ha!
00:49:03You're overdoing it!
00:49:04Slow down!
00:49:05Because I get all the pain.
00:49:07All you've got to do is stand there, you see?
00:49:09Oh, God.
00:49:10You just stand there, like that.
00:49:11Just don't move a muscle.
00:49:12You see?
00:49:13And I get all the pain.
00:49:14When he gets near, I'll tell you when, and you give him a jab, it'll all be over.
00:49:17Come on, then.
00:49:18Away you go.
00:49:19Go on.
00:49:20Ah!
00:49:21Oh!
00:49:22Ah!
00:49:23Oh!
00:49:24Oh!
00:49:25Oh!
00:49:26Oh!
00:49:27Oh!
00:49:28Oh!
00:49:29Oh!
00:49:30Oh!
00:49:31Oh!
00:49:32Oh!
00:49:33Give it here.
00:49:34For goodness sake.
00:49:35Oh!
00:49:36Oh!
00:49:37Oh!
00:49:38Oh!
00:49:39Oh!
00:49:40Oh!
00:49:41Oh!
00:49:42Oh!
00:49:43Oh!
00:49:44You can't get off that way.
00:49:45Oh!
00:49:46Oh!
00:49:47It's down there!
00:49:49Oh!
00:49:50You can have a ton of tea on the way out.
00:49:52Well done!
00:49:54Oh!
00:49:55Oh!
00:49:56Oh!
00:49:57I'm so thrilled for Charlie Drake, that was a mild categorisation.
00:50:02It really was. Anyway, that's enough of him.
00:50:06All right, then, we've seen the last of him.
00:50:08And here comes the lovely Isabella.
00:50:11Ah!
00:50:17The brothers!
00:50:20Cut! No plugging your show, all right?
00:50:24I'm not plugging mine, am I? So don't plug yours.
00:50:27All right, then. Action! Action!
00:50:29Mario, are you all right?
00:50:31I think my swash is a bit buckled.
00:50:33But I'll leave. I'm alive.
00:50:35And I'm so glad to see you alive and well.
00:50:37Oh, Isabella!
00:50:38By the way, have you met my twin brother, Lucien?
00:50:41Oh, how do you do, Lucien?
00:50:45Isabella, you are a courageous woman.
00:50:50Find... I find your bra very uplifting.
00:50:55You what?
00:50:57What are you talking about?
00:50:59I find your bra very uplifting.
00:51:02It's I find your bravery uplifting.
00:51:06I know the A's at the end of the line, but the V's the next line.
00:51:09You see, you join letters together and they make words.
00:51:12Oh, for goodness sake, you've got a one-track mind, you have, Dick.
00:51:18There's some trouble with you.
00:51:19You were good when you're doing your story, but you're useless at this.
00:51:22Anyway, it's the exciting bit now coming up.
00:51:24Oh, this is really good.
00:51:25This is where you have all the fun and I get nothing.
00:51:28So enjoy this, enjoy it. Right.
00:51:30Mario, my angel, you don't know what it taught you these last few weeks have been.
00:51:34Locked up here, away from you.
00:51:37I know. I know.
00:51:40Well, come on!
00:51:42For goodness sake, I'm not feeling anything.
00:51:44You're getting all this.
00:51:47You'll react. This is your chance to act, for goodness sake.
00:51:49I mean, look as though you're enjoying it.
00:51:51All right then, action.
00:51:53Every night, I long for you.
00:51:55I long for you.
00:52:12Oh, that's better.
00:52:14That's better.
00:52:15I wish I was in your place, you lucky devil.
00:52:17I've been enjoying all this, tell me.
00:52:19What's it like? What's it like?
00:52:20I've got to know what it's like.
00:52:21Divine, I've never had such a fantastic time in my life.
00:52:24I'm enjoying every minute of it.
00:52:25Oh, lovely.
00:52:26Some people have all the luck.
00:52:27Oh, he's a...
00:52:29He's a bit luck.
00:52:30I have longed for this...
00:52:38I've longed for this moment when you could cast me again to your bosom.
00:52:45I have two.
00:52:46I know I've counted them all.
00:52:48Oh, I've counted them all.
00:52:50Oh, I've counted them all.
00:52:52Oh, my...
00:52:54Oh, Mario.
00:52:56Oh, come on.
00:52:57Come on.
00:52:58This is the best you can do.
00:52:59She's a ravishing, beautiful woman she is.
00:53:01Holding you in her arms and kissing you for goodness sake.
00:53:04You should be in ecstasy by now.
00:53:06It's an insult to the poor girl.
00:53:09Oh, I bet that was good, wasn't it?
00:53:12Wasn't that good?
00:53:14Oh, didn't I tell you we were going to have a great time tonight?
00:53:16Didn't I tell you?
00:53:17No, and you were as good as your word.
00:53:19There is one thing I have kept back from you all these years.
00:53:24That's true.
00:53:26I, too, am one of twins.
00:53:28And my twin sister, who was also captured by Kalona,
00:53:32is in love with your brother Lucien.
00:53:34You...
00:53:35You have a...
00:53:36You have a twin?
00:53:37A sister?
00:53:38Yes.
00:53:39And here she comes.
00:53:40Oh.
00:53:41Oh.
00:53:42Oh.
00:53:43Oh.
00:53:48Lucien,
00:53:50at last we are together.
00:53:52Oh, isn't that lovely.
00:53:53Oh, no.
00:53:54Oh, no.
00:53:55Oh, no.
00:53:56Oh, no.
00:53:57Oh, no.
00:53:58Oh, no.
00:53:59Oh, no.
00:54:00Oh, no.
00:54:01Oh, no.
00:54:02Oh, no.
00:54:03Oh.
00:54:04Whipping the clothes off her like that.
00:54:05Oh.
00:54:06Oh, no.
00:54:07Oh, no.
00:54:08Oh, no.
00:54:09Oh, no.
00:54:10Oh, no.
00:54:11Isabella, it is time, it is time we got married.
00:54:14Oh.
00:54:15Oh.
00:54:16Oh.
00:54:17Oh, no.
00:54:18Oh.
00:54:19What's that?
00:54:20I'm not even touching you, dear.
00:54:21I'm not touching you.
00:54:22Oh, no, I know, I know.
00:54:23But, like you, I feel everything that is happening to my sister.
00:54:25Oh.
00:54:26This is fantastic.
00:54:27Let me at him.
00:54:28Oh.
00:54:29Oh, yes.
00:54:30Oh, well, yeah, oh you.
00:54:31Oh, yes, oh, yes.
00:54:32For goodness sake, stop enjoying yourself.
00:54:36Yes, what about me?
00:54:37No, Lucien, I have a marvellous idea.
00:54:40Why don't we all...
00:54:43Me?
00:54:44I'm sorry, I can't deny it.
00:54:45Why not?
00:54:47He's got a headache.
00:54:48All right.
00:54:54Brothers, sing along, sing a song, side by side.
00:55:01Ah, yes!
00:55:02Oh!
00:55:07Until they catch us, we'll laugh.
00:55:10Oh, no.
00:55:12Thank you, Kate.
00:55:13It's been so fun working with you.
00:55:15Thank you, Vicky, and thank you, Alan.
00:55:17Weren't they lovely?
00:55:18Thank you for being with us.
00:55:19All right?
00:55:20Thank you, Alan.
00:55:21Well, there we are.
00:55:22And, Dean?
00:55:25You were absolutely great, what can I say?
00:55:27And now we've got the big crunch coming up soon,
00:55:28because we're now going to meet your wife,
00:55:30and then you're going to answer some questions on comedy
00:55:32to see if you win one of our major prizes.
00:55:34Good luck before we...
00:55:35Anyway, stay tuned.
00:55:36We'll see you very, very soon.
00:55:38APPLAUSE
00:55:39Welcome back, and here's our winner again.
00:56:03Well, now, this is where we meet your wife.
00:56:05Yes, this is lovely, white Jill.
00:56:07Yeah, Jill, she is lovely, too, isn't she?
00:56:08Yeah.
00:56:09How long have you been married?
00:56:10Uh, two years and a bit.
00:56:11Oh, yeah, she's still warm.
00:56:14That's beautiful, Jill.
00:56:15Thank you for looking after, Anne.
00:56:16All right, now, my darlings, you have the choice.
00:56:18You can have the music centre or the coloured television.
00:56:21Which would you like?
00:56:22Television.
00:56:23Television?
00:56:23You like the colour television?
00:56:24Television, please, yeah.
00:56:25Well, there we are.
00:56:26That's all.
00:56:27You can do it.
00:56:28Go on, go on, my darling.
00:56:29Yeah, you'll get there, kid.
00:56:30There we are.
00:56:31Well, that's...
00:56:31You've already...
00:56:32You can take your jacket off there, yeah.
00:56:33You've already won that.
00:56:35That's already yours.
00:56:36All right, then.
00:56:36But now we come to sort of a bigger crunch coming up now.
00:56:39Because this is for...
00:56:40You just get shoulder to shoulder.
00:56:41What you're going to do now is answer questions on comedy.
00:56:44It can either be film comedy, radio comedy, or television comedy.
00:56:48And with this, you have to get all three answers right to win a major prize, a big major prize.
00:56:54All right, then?
00:56:54So, what would you like questions on?
00:56:56Would you like to decide?
00:56:57Television, please.
00:56:58On television comedy.
00:56:59All right, then, Claire.
00:57:00Could we have the television questions?
00:57:01Thank you, my darling.
00:57:02Beautifully done.
00:57:03Gets better every week.
00:57:04Right.
00:57:05Now, here we go.
00:57:06Question number one.
00:57:07Don't forget, you've got to get all three right for a major prize.
00:57:10Number one.
00:57:11Name any two television comedy series which have starred Reg Varney.
00:57:17On the buses.
00:57:18On the buses is one.
00:57:19Yes?
00:57:19Yes?
00:57:21Um.
00:57:23Right.
00:57:24Reg Varney's special.
00:57:30You are a sly devil.
00:57:37You really are.
00:57:39He did a series, actually.
00:57:41He did, too, a series of specials.
00:57:43So, it is not here.
00:57:45It is not here, but we'll give you that one.
00:57:46All right, then.
00:57:49Who's going to stop him?
00:57:50I'm not.
00:57:51He'll get reached.
00:57:52Anyway, right, we'll give you that.
00:57:53The next one coming up now.
00:57:55Which actor plays the part of Tessa Wyatt's father in Robin's Nest?
00:58:03Tony Ritten.
00:58:04Tony?
00:58:06You said it.
00:58:06Ritten.
00:58:07Ritten.
00:58:08Ritten.
00:58:08That's right.
00:58:09You said Tony Ritten.
00:58:10Well done, Jill.
00:58:11Well done, Jill.
00:58:13Yeah.
00:58:15All right, then.
00:58:16The last one coming up there.
00:58:18Well done, Jill.
00:58:18There we are.
00:58:19Name three of the regular actors or actresses in the series.
00:58:24Are you being served?
00:58:26John Inman.
00:58:28John Inman.
00:58:28John Inman, yes.
00:58:30Molly.
00:58:31Molly.
00:58:32Molly Sugden.
00:58:33Molly Sugden.
00:58:34You're right, Jill.
00:58:35And one more.
00:58:37Wendy.
00:58:38Wendy, yes.
00:58:39Wendy Richards.
00:58:40Richards.
00:58:41You're right.
00:58:44Well done.
00:58:45I thought they were very difficult.
00:58:47Well done.
00:58:48So excited.
00:58:50She's a good one, this one.
00:58:53She doesn't say much until it counts, does she?
00:58:56All that shyness.
00:58:57Little villainess.
00:58:59Right.
00:58:59Now, still face the front, if you will.
00:59:01And I'll tell you what you've won.
00:59:02All right, then.
00:59:03This is the major prize.
00:59:04You've won a fabulous two-week holiday in the West Indies.
00:59:10On the beautiful island of St Lucia.
00:59:13All right, then.
00:59:17Also a thermos.
00:59:19Is there no end to their generosity?
00:59:29You will stay at a hotel set in a hundred acres of gardens.
00:59:34You can't find your way out, but it does keep the room service bill down a bit for us.
00:59:43Overlooking one of the finest beaches in that part of the world, there's golf, tennis,
00:59:48swimming, and scuba diving.
00:59:51Scuba-dooba-do.
00:59:56A musician's joke.
00:59:58Evidently.
01:00:00And during the day and night, there's music from the local steel bands.
01:00:03It's dreadful.
01:00:04It's dreadful.
01:00:07It's a little bit of cloth ears I came back with.
01:00:09Anyway, and the entertainment from fire eaters and limbo dancers.
01:00:13Fred and ginger.
01:00:16Oh!
01:00:18Fares, hotel expenses, spending money will all be paid by us.
01:00:22There we are.
01:00:23And a raft to get back.
01:00:24Oh, did you have a good time?
01:00:27Have you had a big night?
01:00:28All right.
01:00:28Have you had, yeah.
01:00:29Well, thank you for being with us.
01:00:30All right.
01:00:30Thank you, Dick.
01:00:31And thank you, Jim.
01:00:33All right, well, now, will you sing for them?
01:00:35Come on.
01:00:35What about?
01:00:36Yes.
01:00:36Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to meet, from America,
01:00:49someone I've been wanting to meet for many, many years,
01:00:51Dolores Graham.
01:00:58Yesterday they told you you would not go far
01:01:01That night you opened and there you are
01:01:05Let's stay on your dressing room, they hung a star
01:01:08Let's go on with the star
01:01:15It always thrills me to hear that real
01:01:34American stage musical voice.
01:01:37It has such, you know, something about it.
01:01:39Now, you know, you know, in 1958, I was compere of Sunday night at the Palladium,
01:01:43the London Palladium.
01:01:44Yes.
01:01:44And in the November of that year, I introduced you as the top of the bill.
01:01:49Now, that was 1958, which was 20 years ago.
01:01:52And here we are together again.
01:01:55We must start meeting like this.
01:01:57People are beginning to talk.
01:02:00There was a bit of a buzz when we walked in the canteen.
01:02:02Did you notice?
01:02:02But, you know, it is so lovely.
01:02:04It really is lovely to see you again.
01:02:05Well, it's so lovely to see you again, Tommy.
01:02:09No, Tommy Trinder was before I got the job.
01:02:16Tommy Trinder, he wasn't like me at all.
01:02:17He had a long face and a great big chin.
01:02:19And then the thing...
01:02:20Well, he wasn't that much alike, you know what I mean?
01:02:27Your teeth are pretty.
01:02:28Oh, thank you.
01:02:29Oh, I'm so sorry, Norman.
01:02:32Swinging?
01:02:33Dodgy.
01:02:33No, you see, Norman was after me, Dolores, you see.
01:02:38He came after me.
01:02:39I was sort of, like, in the middle.
01:02:41Oh.
01:02:41I was in the middle of...
01:02:42Oh, like a marmite sandwich.
01:02:45A marmite?
01:02:46A marmite?
01:02:50A marmite?
01:02:52A marmite is a thing that crawls and you make coats out of it.
01:02:55That's right.
01:02:56A marmite sandwich.
01:02:57Anyway, never mind about that.
01:02:59No, well, you know...
01:03:00You mean sandwiched in the middle like a marmite sandwich.
01:03:02That's right, that's right, yeah.
01:03:03Yes, yes, yes.
01:03:04Dolores, I happen to be Bruce Forsythe.
01:03:09Of course, that's right.
01:03:11And the year was what?
01:03:131958.
01:03:151958.
01:03:15Oh, that was the year of your comeback.
01:03:22Comeback?
01:03:22I haven't been anywhere.
01:03:23That was my big break.
01:03:26Dolores, I want you to go over there and I want you to come back real soon
01:03:29because we've got a lot more talking to do.
01:03:31And in the meantime, we want you to sing a song.
01:03:34Oh, I'd love to.
01:03:34Now, what have you chosen for us?
01:03:36Oh, it's a beautiful contemporary ballad.
01:03:39Yes.
01:03:39And I just fell in love with it when I heard it.
01:03:42Yes?
01:03:42Yes.
01:03:43Fine, what's it called?
01:03:44Come In From The Rain.
01:03:45Fine.
01:03:46I'll see you later.
01:03:47Okay, why not?
01:03:48We'll miss chat again.
01:03:49Ladies and gentlemen, singing Come In From The Rain, how about Dolores Gray?
01:03:54Well, hello there, dear old friend of mine.
01:04:20You've been searching for yourself for such a long time.
01:04:29There's so much to say, no need to explain.
01:04:37Just an open door for you to come in from the rain.
01:04:45It's a long road when you're all alone, and a man like you will always choose the long way home.
01:05:00There's no right or wrong, I'm not here to blame.
01:05:09I just want to be the one to keep you from the rain.
01:05:15And it looks like sunny skies now that I know you're all right.
01:05:39Time has made us older and wiser, I know I am.
01:05:55And it's good to know my best friend has come home again.
01:06:10And I think of us like an old cliché, but it doesn't matter, cause I love you anyway.
01:06:24And it looks like sunny skies now that I know you're all right.
01:06:48Time has made us older and wiser, I know I am.
01:07:05Time has made us older and wiser, I know I am.
01:07:35Coming from the rain.
01:07:42Coming from the rain.
01:07:48Coming from the rain.
01:08:00Coming from the rain.
01:08:09that is a pretty song isn't it and you sing it says oh it's so poignant yeah it's it's oh yes
01:08:33that as well I've gone through that several times in my life really yeah well lots of people have I
01:08:39know what you mean now we want you to be around now we know pink is your favorite color you can
01:08:43either have pink champagne or pink paraffin it has to have just a little touch of blue in it so
01:08:51it goes slightly unmoved my bedroom is pink at home oh yes I know you're a pink anyway if you want
01:08:56either the pink champagne let's have it you want some now of course I didn't know whether you like
01:09:01it'll be too messy all right now the thing I think I think that is very unique about you
01:09:08is that and I think you'll agree this country actually made you a star because when you came
01:09:15over you were unknown in America you opened in Annie get your gun which is the most wonderful musical I
01:09:21think ever put on it had everything yes it did and it had a glorious score the London audience and
01:09:27everybody who came to London made you the big star that you and then when you went back that's when
01:09:32it all sort of happened for you back home but you know Bruce that's very lucky a lot of people have
01:09:37come here and they've they've been given a wonderful success I mean the way the people the goodness of
01:09:43everything that happened to me over here but a lot of people never can cross back across the water and
01:09:48have any measure of the kind of success that they that's what I mean it makes you very unique and of
01:09:52course you started in the first place as a dancer well I'm a good faker a good faker yeah but we've
01:09:59got a bit of you faking a bit on a clip yes I believe the film it's always fair weather oh that
01:10:05was my first film oh it was your first yes Jean Kelly directed that and Stanley Donnan and Jean did the
01:10:10dances yes and Jean Kelly said will you come down here to the set to Lars I said sure he said can you do
01:10:16this and I said uh-huh and he said and could you do that I said yeah he said go get your makeup on
01:10:20we're gonna shoot the number I said you mean with no rehearsal just cold shoot it yeah and we shot
01:10:26it one afternoon and it turned out nifty okay oh for goodness sake that's very unusual and and the
01:10:35and the uh the song was actually written by Andre Andre Previn thanks for the present of the silver
01:10:44blue mink thanks for the plane and the ice skating rink thanks for the yacht and for the solid gold's sake
01:10:53thanks a lot but no thanks thanks for the Scrabble set with platinum board thanks for the factory once known as
01:11:06Ford thank you for finding me the famous lost card thanks a lot but no thanks for I am just a faithful lassie
01:11:20waiting for her faithful lad and there's no gift however classy by which this lassie can be heard
01:11:34thanks for the banks and for the Santa Fe line thanks for the darling uranium mine but I'm a gal with only one valentine
01:11:42But I'm a gal with only one valentine
01:11:46Thanks a lot, but no thanks
01:11:50Thanks for the champagne
01:11:54And thanks for the state of Maine
01:11:58And thanks for the autographed picture of John Wayne
01:12:04Thanks a lot, but no thanks
01:12:07Thanks for the cruise
01:12:11And thanks for the oil wells that oozed
01:12:15And thanks for that pair of Frederick's shoes
01:12:20Thanks a lot, but no thanks
01:12:31That was not rehearsed, and we got all that in one afternoon
01:12:35They did one take on the verse and one take on the chorus
01:12:38Everything worked, the men blew up, they slid down the ramp
01:12:41Oh, and the dancers, they were wonderful dancers
01:12:44Yes, but after all, did you see that waistline in that red beaded dress?
01:12:47I think I'll go home and kill myself
01:12:49No, you're still
01:12:52I'll tell you what, and it was nifty
01:12:53It was nifty!
01:12:55In those days, Dolores, did you really live, you know, a real Hollywood star?
01:13:00You better believe it
01:13:01You better believe it
01:13:03Up to the hill, did you?
01:13:04Yeah, I remember once
01:13:05Well, that was my first movie for Metro, my second was Kismet
01:13:09And I remember that it was my birthday
01:13:11And we were driving down Wilshire Boulevard
01:13:13And I saw a pink car
01:13:15The first pink car that was in a window
01:13:17And I said, ooh
01:13:19So my mother bought me that because she knew I loved pink
01:13:22And you were out shopping
01:13:23And I was out shopping
01:13:24A parking car, yeah
01:13:25Yes
01:13:26And, and so then in the garage
01:13:28Of course it belonged to my mother and my brother and I
01:13:30But we always told the press it was all mine
01:13:32We had a black car, a red car, a turquoise blue car, a pink car
01:13:37And I think just a plain old white car
01:13:39So whatever I wore, whatever I wore that morning
01:13:42I would go down and choose the car to match
01:13:46It's true, I think
01:13:47Look at Florrie, she's so envious over there, Florrie is
01:13:50Oh, well that's, I think it's a lovely
01:13:52So you just say, oh I'll wear the black today
01:13:54Because it will go with it
01:13:55Yes, yes, it looks so pretty with that
01:13:57You're very fashion conscious, I know that
01:13:59Oh, yes
01:14:00And the way you dress up
01:14:01My husband doesn't like that very much
01:14:02Oh, doesn't he really?
01:14:03No, he's a bit stingy
01:14:04Oh, you were telling me something earlier on about Danny LaRue
01:14:07Oh, well, when I first came out tonight
01:14:09Did you notice my beautiful feather boa?
01:14:11That lovely boa?
01:14:12Wasn't it pretty?
01:14:13I thought it was a flock of blackbirds
01:14:14I know
01:14:17I thought they're well trained, aren't they?
01:14:19Stay on the show and all flew off together, you know
01:14:23Bye-bye blackbirds
01:14:26Well, I arrived in England because I've just appeared in Cabaret
01:14:29Yes
01:14:30Oh, and the country cousin?
01:14:31Yes
01:14:32Which I know they love you
01:14:33Oh, I really enjoyed that
01:14:34It was super and they really are so gracious and kind to you there
01:14:37I enjoyed the engagement very much
01:14:39But I unpacked my cases
01:14:41Yeah
01:14:42And I wear, you know, kind of plain black things
01:14:44Yes
01:14:45Yes
01:14:46So the diamonds always look nifty, see
01:14:47Anyway, I didn't have a feather boa
01:14:48And then I had left home in New York
01:14:50So I called the only man that I know in England
01:14:52That has two of everything
01:14:54And he
01:14:55The girls are getting interested again
01:15:04Even Flory's woken up
01:15:06Yes
01:15:07Well, and who's never all dying to know?
01:15:09Well, no, he's got a warehouse
01:15:10Four or five floors of a warehouse
01:15:11And he's got two of everything
01:15:12Oh, four
01:15:13I better say four
01:15:14Four
01:15:15He has four of everything
01:15:16We can cut that bit out
01:15:17But anyway
01:15:18I called him and he was down at the Theatre Royal in Bright
01:15:20Yes
01:15:21And I said, is there anyone here in New York
01:15:22Here in New York
01:15:23I've left my bowl in New York
01:15:25Is there anyone in London
01:15:26Who has a key to the warehouse?
01:15:27He said, what do you need, darling?
01:15:28And I said, well, I need a beautiful feather boa
01:15:30He said, don't give it a second thought
01:15:32I have one down here at the Theatre with me
01:15:33And he said, I shall send it up to you by car
01:15:36And it came all sitting on the back seat
01:15:38Of a beautiful Rolls Royce
01:15:39And that was sent up for my opening night
01:15:43From my darling friend
01:15:44I think one of the most beautiful human beings
01:15:47That ever walked
01:15:48And that's Danny LaRue
01:15:49Oh, lovely
01:15:50It's a lovely story
01:15:51Now that you think it's good before
01:15:55Your favourite musical was Annie Get Your Gun
01:15:58Absolutely
01:15:59And I think it's one of my all-time favourites as well
01:16:02And, you know, you don't know about this
01:16:04But I did go for the auditions for that show
01:16:06Did you?
01:16:07Yes
01:16:08To play the lead opposite you
01:16:09Oh
01:16:10And I was very disappointed
01:16:11Because I was a very young man at the time
01:16:12Because I didn't get the job, as you know
01:16:14But I'd love to do something from that show with you
01:16:18Would you?
01:16:19I would love that
01:16:20Would you?
01:16:21Yes
01:16:22In fact, you'd be marvellous and Annie Wright today
01:16:23Really?
01:16:24I could play today?
01:16:25There's something very lanky and rangy and western and handsome about you
01:16:27Right?
01:16:28Shout out
01:16:29Right, alright then
01:16:30Well, let's...
01:16:31Oh, could I have my ten-gallon hat, please?
01:16:33For my ten-gallon head?
01:16:35Thank you very much
01:16:36Thank you, lovely
01:16:37Thank you, Julie
01:16:40Thank you, partner
01:16:43My differences are down
01:16:46You've got me where you want me
01:16:48And I don't know where I am
01:16:51I went into the fight like a lion
01:16:55And I came out like a lamb
01:17:00They say that falling in love is wonderful
01:17:09It's wonderful
01:17:13So they say
01:17:18And with the moon up above
01:17:22It's wonderful
01:17:26Wonderful
01:17:29In every way
01:17:34So they say
01:17:40Oh, that's such a lovely song
01:17:42Oh, that's such a lovely song
01:17:44This is the one, though
01:17:45This is the one
01:17:46This is the one you like?
01:17:47Yep
01:17:48Okay, here we go
01:17:49Anything you can do
01:17:50I can do better
01:17:51I can do anything better than you
01:17:54No, you can't
01:17:55Yes, I can
01:17:56No, you can't
01:17:57Yes, I can
01:17:58No, you can't
01:17:59Yes, I can
01:18:00Yes, I can
01:18:01Anything you can be
01:18:02I can be greater
01:18:03Sooner or later
01:18:04I'm better than you
01:18:05No, you're not
01:18:06Yes, I am
01:18:07No, you're not
01:18:08Yes, I am
01:18:09No, you're not
01:18:10Yes, I am
01:18:11Yes, I am
01:18:12I can shoot a partridge
01:18:13With a single cartridge
01:18:14I can get a sparrow
01:18:16With a bow and arrow
01:18:17and our own. I can live on
01:18:19bread and cheese. And only
01:18:21on that broken a rat.
01:18:23Any note you can hold,
01:18:25I can hold longer. I can
01:18:27hold any note longer than you.
01:18:29No, you can't. Yes, I can't. No, you can't.
01:18:31Yes, I can't. No, you can't. Yes, I can't.
01:18:33Yes, I can't.
01:18:35Yes, I can't.
01:18:39I can't.
01:18:45Yes, you can't.
01:18:51I can drink my liquor faster than
01:18:53this flicker. I can drink it quicker
01:18:55and get even sicker.
01:18:57I can do most anything.
01:19:00Can you bake a pie?
01:19:01Nope. Neither can I.
01:19:03Any note you can sing, I can sing sweeter.
01:19:05I can sing any note sweeter
01:19:08than you.
01:19:09No, you can't.
01:19:13Yes, I can't.
01:19:15No, you can't.
01:19:17Oh, yes, I can't.
01:19:20No, you can't.
01:19:21Yes, I can't.
01:19:22No, you can't.
01:19:23Yes, I can't.
01:19:24No, you can't, can't, can't, can't.
01:19:27Yes, I can, can't, can't.
01:19:31Yes, we come
01:19:41Ladies and gentlemen, Dolores Gray
01:19:56Thank you, Dolores
01:20:01Thank you for coming to see us
01:20:03Thank you
01:20:09I hope we've helped to make your Saturday
01:20:13A fun and time just doesn't matter day
01:20:19Tomorrow never ever comes
01:20:25At least that's what they say
01:20:29I hope they're wrong
01:20:31And it's not too long
01:20:35Before I spend another Saturday
01:20:43With you
01:20:49Goodnight, everybody
01:20:51Goodnight
01:20:53Got no diamonds
01:20:55Got no pearls
01:20:57Still I think I'm a lucky girl
01:20:59I got the sun in the morning
01:21:01And I'm blue
01:21:03And I'm blue
01:21:05And I'm blue
01:21:07And I'm blue
01:21:09Got no diamonds
01:21:11Got no pearls
01:21:13Still I think I'm a lucky girl
01:21:15I got the sun in the morning
01:21:17And I'm blue
01:21:19And I'm blue
01:21:21And I'm blue
01:21:23Got no diamonds
01:21:25Got no pearls
01:21:27Still I think I'm a lucky girl
01:21:29And I'm blue
01:21:30And the moon at night
01:21:31And I'm blue
01:21:33Got no diamonds
01:21:35Got no diamonds
01:21:36Got no light
01:21:37Still I'm happy
01:21:39With what I've got
01:21:40I got the sun in the morning
01:21:42And the moon at night
01:21:44Got no checkbook, got no bank Still I like to express my sight
01:22:10I got the sun in the morning and the moon in the night
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