Bruce Forsyth's Big Night (1978) S01E08 - Lena Zavaroni, James Hunt, Tessa Wyatt, Martin Shaw - video Dailymotion

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Transcript

00:00:00Yes, it's Bruce Forsyth's Big Night.

00:00:05Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce Forsyth.

00:00:35Thank you very much.

00:00:41Thank you very much.

00:00:43Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, children.

00:00:44Nice to see you.

00:00:46To see you.

00:00:47Nice!

00:00:48It could be a very...

00:00:50Big night!

00:00:51When?

00:00:52Tonight!

00:00:53Fine.

00:00:58I don't know where you are.

00:01:01You may be near or far.

00:01:03So let's get the network together.

00:01:06It's Saturday night.

00:01:07Well, now, as you know, last week we went to the earlier time of 6 o'clock.

00:01:11This was for our young viewers so that they could stay up and see the programme all the

00:01:15way through if they wanted to.

00:01:16Well, you see, since last week we've had hundreds of letters from babies all over the country.

00:01:20Young babies, you know, and they still think it's too late.

00:01:24You know, they want the show to be even earlier.

00:01:26In fact, we've had hundreds of letters, hundreds.

00:01:28In fact, you know, I'd like to pick one at random.

00:01:30I don't know if they do.

00:01:32I don't know if they do.

00:01:37Now, this one is from an eight-month-old baby in the Bristol area.

00:01:40Go on, make something out of that.

00:01:48Go on.

00:01:49I'm going to keep quiet for a start.

00:01:52It's from an eight-month-old baby in the Bristol area.

00:01:54Who writes, I hate being laughed at in the wrong places.

00:02:02Dear Mr. Bruce Forsythe, it's well written, you know, for an eight-month-old child, you

00:02:05know, one or two typing mistakes, but it isn't bad.

00:02:09It really isn't.

00:02:10It says, dear Mr. Bruce Forsythe, we babies think your show is ace.

00:02:14That's a funny way to spell ace.

00:02:21It's the last time.

00:02:23It's a public warning.

00:02:25We babies think your show is ace, and the greatest thing since Slice Rusks.

00:02:30This is because, being so young, we haven't heard any of your jokes before.

00:02:37You can't worry about it.

00:02:38My daddy is a big fan of yours, and always sits down for your show.

00:02:44I know this because he said, I can't stand to watch that man.

00:02:50Unfortunately, I have to go to bed just after you come on, so I only see the first five minutes.

00:02:55Last week, Mummy had just put a clean nappy on me, and when I saw you, I laughed so much

00:03:01that I...

00:03:02Oh, that was a shame, wasn't it?

00:03:07Mummy had to do it all over again.

00:03:12Well, you know, I'd do anything for the public, anything or two, so for, you know, all the

00:03:16little babies who had just been put to bed, you know, at just about six o'clock at night,

00:03:20cookie-cackle-cackle-cackle-cackle-cackle-cackle-cackle-cackle-cackle-cackle-cackle-cackle-cackle-cackle-cackle-cackle-cackle-cackle-cackle.

00:03:26It's come to this.

00:03:30It's the big night in on ITV.

00:03:32I can't see you, but you can see me on the network.

00:03:36Every Saturday night, got the whole of the network together tonight.

00:03:42Well, it's time once more for your questions.

00:03:56I love this part of the show, which means it's question time.

00:03:59So, if you have a question for me, put all the lights up first.

00:04:03The lights up?

00:04:04All right, then, hands up.

00:04:05How about you, the lady in the third row down there?

00:04:07Let's start off with you.

00:04:10Now, is the microphone there?

00:04:11Good.

00:04:12That certain advert we see you on on the television, Bruce.

00:04:16Oh, yes.

00:04:16May I ask, do you eat it with nothing on when you're at home?

00:04:21Sometimes I do keep my socks on.

00:04:22I think most lads do, given the choice.

00:04:29I love doing those commercials because we went into some lovely family homes and we had

00:04:34some good days.

00:04:35I enjoyed it very, very much indeed.

00:04:37And thank you, my dear.

00:04:38Do you know the difference?

00:04:40Yes.

00:04:40Is that your husband?

00:04:43Yeah.

00:04:44Well, let's hope he does as well.

00:04:46And your name, my dear?

00:04:48Marjorie.

00:04:49Marjorie?

00:04:49Oh, Marge!

00:05:00Yes, now I know why you asked the question.

00:05:02Yes, you're a stockholder.

00:05:05Anyway, thank you, Marge.

00:05:06Anybody else?

00:05:07Hey, wait a minute.

00:05:07What's that lady in the front row there?

00:05:09I saw her earlier on.

00:05:10She was eating something.

00:05:11You, dear?

00:05:12No.

00:05:13On a bite?

00:05:15What a bite?

00:05:16I've never been so insulted.

00:05:18You don't come to a show and eat.

00:05:20I mean, this is a television studio.

00:05:21What are you eating?

00:05:22A jam-tab.

00:05:24Apple tart.

00:05:29But I mean, you can't do this.

00:05:30This could catch on.

00:05:31They'll all start bringing their lunches.

00:05:34Take away Chinese, I'm going to say.

00:05:36What's your name, dear?

00:05:37Snook.

00:05:37What?

00:05:38Snook.

00:05:39Snook?

00:05:40No.

00:05:40Flory.

00:05:42Flory.

00:05:43Oh, Flory Snook.

00:05:44That's all.

00:05:45Well, that figures.

00:05:47And who's your friend, Flory?

00:05:49Oh, this is Lilum's.

00:05:51Lily.

00:05:51Oh, Lily.

00:05:52I think about Lily.

00:05:53All right.

00:05:53Well, Flory, dear, please don't eat when you come to any of my shows again, dear.

00:05:57I have to clear up after.

00:05:59All right?

00:06:00Have you got a question?

00:06:01Look, she's full of mouth.

00:06:02Look at her.

00:06:03Have you got a question, dear?

00:06:04No.

00:06:05Yeah, well, don't speak your...

00:06:06LAUGHTER

00:06:07I actually don't know how to eat this.

00:06:11Yeah, you carry on, dear.

00:06:12I'd rather know you're eating.

00:06:14I'd prefer you eating to talking.

00:06:17Has anybody else got a question?

00:06:19Yes, the lady at the back row there.

00:06:21How about the lady there?

00:06:22Bruce, what would you like for Christmas?

00:06:27What did you have in mind?

00:06:30LAUGHTER

00:06:31LAUGHTER

00:06:31I'm sorry, what did you have in mind?

00:06:36LAUGHTER

00:06:37LAUGHTER

00:06:38Not bad, either.

00:06:44LAUGHTER

00:06:45There we are.

00:06:58What would I like for Christmas?

00:07:00Well, I've got so much.

00:07:01I'm a very lucky person.

00:07:02There's material things.

00:07:04Material things, when you do have a lot,

00:07:07start to mean less and less to you over the years, you know.

00:07:11But I'd like to have peace and happiness.

00:07:15You know, as long as I'm happy this Christmas,

00:07:18I think that will mean more to me than anything else.

00:07:20You know, you don't sort of look...

00:07:21I could say, oh, I'd like to buy this and buy that,

00:07:24and I probably could, you know.

00:07:26But that doesn't...

00:07:27After a while, believe me,

00:07:28people that say, oh, I'd love to have this and that,

00:07:30it really, when it comes to it,

00:07:32it doesn't mean all that much in the end.

00:07:34It's how you feel up here.

00:07:35That's right, yeah.

00:07:36So thank you for the question.

00:07:37APPLAUSE

00:07:38Thank you very much for your questions.

00:07:44Definitely, definitely a bit of fun, thank you again.

00:07:46Well, now it's time for Beat the Goalie.

00:07:48Yeah, Beat the Goalie time.

00:07:49And, ladies and gentlemen, we've drawn out the hat again.

00:07:52Four young people will be playing from all parts of the country.

00:07:55And the opposing...

00:07:57Let's meet the opposition.

00:07:58On loan to us now, from Manchester United,

00:08:00we welcome the one and only Alex Stepney.

00:08:03APPLAUSE

00:08:04Well, we've had quite a few remarks about Manchester United on the show.

00:08:15Don't start, don't start.

00:08:17You know, kids either love them or they hate them,

00:08:19because it's one of those things.

00:08:21But you are a marvellous club.

00:08:22Yes.

00:08:23And give our love to all the boys.

00:08:24I will do.

00:08:25And thank you very much for coming with us tonight.

00:08:27My pleasure.

00:08:27Well, now, you know, we always ask our goalkeeper,

00:08:29and you've played so many marvellous games for so many, you know...

00:08:33Years.

00:08:34For so many years.

00:08:35That's the word, years.

00:08:36Now, what do you think was your sort of finest hour and a half?

00:08:40Oh, I think I'll have to go back to 68.

00:08:4268?

00:08:42European Cup final.

00:08:43Oh, yes.

00:08:44Wembley against Benfica.

00:08:45I was there.

00:08:46Was you?

00:08:46I was hoarse for five days afterwards,

00:08:49because when you came out for extra time,

00:08:52nobody gave you a dog in hell's chance.

00:08:54I was on my knees.

00:08:55No, really.

00:08:55And nobody.

00:08:56I mean, I was there with Ronnie Carroll.

00:08:57He was going,

00:08:58Hooray!

00:08:59And I was shouting.

00:09:00But, I mean, it was a great night.

00:09:02And the way something else happened that night,

00:09:04you all, I don't know,

00:09:05you were dragged from the floor,

00:09:07and you won that match.

00:09:09It's a marvellous memory.

00:09:10Get into the goal.

00:09:11All right, then.

00:09:11Thank you, Alex.

00:09:13Well done.

00:09:15Well done.

00:09:16Oh, look.

00:09:19I nearly forgot to see who's on the line.

00:09:21I was so emotional about that.

00:09:22Who's there?

00:09:23It's Martin Morris.

00:09:24Oh, Martin Morris.

00:09:25Yes.

00:09:25I see, Martin.

00:09:26And how old are you, Martin?

00:09:27I'm 16.

00:09:2816.

00:09:28And where are you from?

00:09:29Southgate.

00:09:29I'm in Cockfosters, I'm sorry.

00:09:33Well, you're too young to be leading a double life.

00:09:37Well, listen, where are you from?

00:09:38I'm from Cockfosters.

00:09:39From Cockfosters?

00:09:40Yeah, that's the end of the Piccadilly line, isn't it?

00:09:42It's the beginning.

00:09:43Oh, we've got a smart, Martin Morris, have we?

00:09:53Well, it's at the end, for your information.

00:09:56It's better for you going.

00:09:57And they couldn't put it any further away.

00:09:59That's why they put it there, Cockfosters.

00:10:01All right, then.

00:10:01And is that right?

00:10:02You've got sort of foreign blood in your veins?

00:10:04Um, yes.

00:10:05We've got some Polish ancestors.

00:10:07Polish ancestors?

00:10:08So you're descended from the Pole?

00:10:13You make a good fireman when you grow up.

00:10:15Okay, any brothers or sisters?

00:10:17I've got one sister, Karen.

00:10:18Oh, Karen.

00:10:18And Karen Morris, that is.

00:10:20That's right.

00:10:20Yes.

00:10:21And how old is she?

00:10:21She's 18.

00:10:22Oh, so you're...

00:10:23She's two years older than me?

00:10:24She's two years older than me.

00:10:25Oh, so you're a Morris Minor?

00:10:29Just a little joke.

00:10:31Was it?

00:10:41Alex, if you let one through with him, that'll be it.

00:10:45I'll tell you that.

00:10:45Right, you'll be on the transfer list.

00:10:47Okay, then, son.

00:10:50How do you get on with your sister?

00:10:52Oh, well, we both like pop music.

00:10:54Can we battle over the record player?

00:10:55You battle over the record player?

00:10:57Oh, does she get the needle?

00:10:59But, I mean, you really have a go at it.

00:11:01I mean, look, because we've got some marvellous prizes here on our basho-meter.

00:11:04We've always got a stereo.

00:11:06If you won a stereo tonight, would you give her the record player?

00:11:10Um, no, I wouldn't.

00:11:13Oh, he is a monster, isn't he?

00:11:15We're going off you, more and more each minute.

00:11:18Andy, do you fight over any other things?

00:11:20Oh, yes, we're watching over sports on TV.

00:11:23Oh, you fight over watching sport on TV?

00:11:25Yeah.

00:11:25Oh, is it so you've got your own TV war going on?

00:11:28That's right.

00:11:28Oh, God.

00:11:29Well, enjoy it.

00:11:30She wants to watch the other side when your show's on.

00:11:32Oh, does she?

00:11:34And thank you, Martin, you've gone up in my estimation.

00:11:37At least you've got taste, if nothing else.

00:11:39Now, Martin, I did hear something about you.

00:11:41Is that right you've got topless girls plastered all over your bedroom?

00:11:45That's correct.

00:11:46For goodness sake, well, what does your dad say about this?

00:11:48I think he wishes they were real ones.

00:11:52Well, it's all very well.

00:11:53I mean, I've heard that walls have ears.

00:12:00Anyway, you're a good lad.

00:12:01Now, there's Alex Stepney.

00:12:03Now, he's getting on a bit, but he's still quite good, I tell you that.

00:12:06Not too good, I hope.

00:12:07Not too good.

00:12:07Well, it's up to you.

00:12:08Now, look, it is against the clock, and you're first off.

00:12:11OK, then?

00:12:12You know the rules, so off you go, starting from now.

00:12:15Right.

00:12:18Shoot!

00:12:19Oh!

00:12:20Yes!

00:12:22Oh, well done, Martin!

00:12:24Very well done indeed.

00:12:26That's in 4.90, so that's what they've all got to shoot at.

00:12:30And thank you again.

00:12:31All right, who's on the line now?

00:12:34Costa Carriolis.

00:12:38Is this a joke?

00:12:39Oh, Martin, if you're still there, I'll kill you.

00:12:43Who is it?

00:12:45Costa Carriolis.

00:12:47Oh, it is Carriolis?

00:12:48Yeah.

00:12:48Yeah, yeah.

00:12:50Your voice is in the middle of breaking, isn't it?

00:12:52Yeah.

00:12:52I thought so, yes.

00:12:54I thought it was Costa living for a moment.

00:12:55Anyway, how old are you, Costa?

00:12:58I'm 16.

00:13:00Yeah, fine, it is going.

00:13:01Never mind, don't you worry about it.

00:13:03In a couple of weeks' time, that'll all go, you'll be fine.

00:13:05All right, then, you'll be talking like that all the time.

00:13:06Another Demis Roussos.

00:13:09Right, when were you born, Costa?

00:13:11Um, I was born in London.

00:13:14Oh, in London?

00:13:15Yeah.

00:13:15Yeah, I see.

00:13:16And what school do you go to?

00:13:18Sir William Collins Comprehensive.

00:13:20Oh, Sir William.

00:13:21Yeah.

00:13:22Oh, it's a night school.

00:13:29And, uh, what's your dad's name?

00:13:32His name, um...

00:13:33I think we should sing this.

00:13:37What's your dad's name?

00:13:41He must be playing me.

00:13:43Stavros.

00:13:44Stavros?

00:13:45Yeah.

00:13:47He's, uh...

00:13:48He's not Kojak's brother, is he?

00:13:50Well, thank goodness for that.

00:13:51You won't have me live.

00:13:53All right, then.

00:13:53Well, now, Costa, you know the rules?

00:13:55Yeah.

00:13:55Okay, then.

00:13:56Now, off you go, then.

00:13:57You've got, uh, four-nineted a bit and...

00:13:59Beat and...

00:14:00And, uh, Alex is all waiting for you.

00:14:02So, four-nineted a beat, starting from now.

00:14:05Left.

00:14:07Up.

00:14:08Fire.

00:14:10Oh!

00:14:11Oh, fair to that, Costa.

00:14:12It hit the post.

00:14:14Hit the post.

00:14:14You were just a bit too far before you said fire.

00:14:16But lovely to talk to you and give my love to the whole family.

00:14:19All right, thank you.

00:14:19All right, then.

00:14:20Bye-bye now.

00:14:21Bye.

00:14:21Bye-bye.

00:14:22And who's on the line now?

00:14:23Sally Wright.

00:14:24Oh, Sally Wright.

00:14:25Hello, Sally Wright.

00:14:25How are you?

00:14:26All right, thank you.

00:14:27How old are you, dear?

00:14:28Fifteen.

00:14:28And where do you live?

00:14:29Crownley Surrey.

00:14:30Oh, yeah, good.

00:14:31And what school do you go to?

00:14:32Glebelin Secondary School.

00:14:33Lovely, lovely.

00:14:34Any brothers or sisters?

00:14:35Yeah, one brother and one sister.

00:14:37I see.

00:14:37And how old's your brother?

00:14:39Twelve.

00:14:39How do you get on with him?

00:14:41No, I'm not so well.

00:14:42Not very well.

00:14:43What does he think about you being on Beat the Goalie?

00:14:44He's jealous.

00:14:46Is he really?

00:14:46Oh, good.

00:14:47Now, any pets at all?

00:14:48Yeah, one Labrador named Cindy.

00:14:50Cindy?

00:14:51Oh, yeah.

00:14:52Has she had any paps?

00:14:53No, not yet.

00:14:55Why not?

00:14:55She tried it once but didn't like it.

00:15:07Yes, I know a few people like that as well.

00:15:11Yes, I know what you mean, dear.

00:15:12It's a shame.

00:15:13But give her our love anyway.

00:15:14Dear old Cindy, that's lovely, the dog.

00:15:16Fine, you've got 490 to beat, which was Martin Morris' score.

00:15:19So, you've got 490 to beat starting from now.

00:15:23Left.

00:15:25Fire.

00:15:27Oh, yes!

00:15:28Oh, clean up, yes!

00:15:30Well done, say right.

00:15:33And bad luck, Martin.

00:15:34So, that's great.

00:15:35Well done, dear.

00:15:36Stay on the line.

00:15:37All right, then.

00:15:37Now, who have we got here now?

00:15:38Christopher Williams.

00:15:40Who?

00:15:40Christopher Williams.

00:15:41Christopher Williams?

00:15:41Yes.

00:15:42You haven't got an Uncle Charlie, have you?

00:15:43No.

00:15:44And where are you from, Chris?

00:15:48Bexley.

00:15:48Bexley, even.

00:15:49How old are you?

00:15:4914.

00:15:5014 you are.

00:15:51I see.

00:15:51And how's your dad?

00:15:52Right, thanks.

00:15:53Fine.

00:15:53And what does he do?

00:15:54He works in the post office.

00:15:55Oh, yeah, fine.

00:15:56And how's your mum?

00:15:56Right.

00:15:57What does she do?

00:15:58She works in the post office too.

00:15:59Oh, does she?

00:15:59Yeah.

00:16:00Well, fancy playing postman not 24 hours a day.

00:16:02I see.

00:16:03And where did your mum meet your dad, then?

00:16:05In the post office.

00:16:09May I have a go home?

00:16:12They met each other in the post office?

00:16:14Yeah.

00:16:14Oh, yeah.

00:16:14Well, what does your dad do, then?

00:16:16He's a sorter.

00:16:21Oh, well, he didn't give your mother a chance, did he?

00:16:23And what does your mum do?

00:16:24She's a sorter too.

00:16:27Well, they deserve one of them, they do.

00:16:30With all that, it's a wonder we get any mail at all, then.

00:16:33Anyway, what hobbies have you got?

00:16:35Any hobbies?

00:16:36I like making up bikes and scraps.

00:16:38Oh, you get old bikes and old bits and put them all together,

00:16:41make, sort of, new bikes?

00:16:42Yes.

00:16:43What are they?

00:16:43So you're a recycler?

00:16:47Recycler.

00:16:47Well, good luck with that.

00:16:48It's mildly.

00:16:49Very good luck.

00:16:50Okay, then.

00:16:51Yes.

00:16:51So you've got 398 to beat, which was Sally Wright.

00:16:55So you're really up against it, Christopher,

00:16:56but good luck starting from now.

00:16:59Left.

00:17:01Sure.

00:17:02Oh, well done, Alex.

00:17:05What a good save.

00:17:06With a right hand there.

00:17:08Very bad luck, Christopher.

00:17:09Give my love to your family.

00:17:10Okay.

00:17:11And is Sally still there?

00:17:12Yes.

00:17:13Hello, Sally Wright.

00:17:14Well, you were against three boys, my darling,

00:17:16and you came through.

00:17:17We've had three girl winners up to yet.

00:17:19It's supposed to be a boys game,

00:17:20but would you like to come and see us

00:17:21and spend the day with us in the studio next week?

00:17:24Yes, please.

00:17:24We'd love to see you, my darling,

00:17:26and good luck.

00:17:26We'll see you then.

00:17:27Bye-bye now.

00:17:28Bye-bye.

00:17:29What about that?

00:17:30Bit of fun.

00:17:31Well done.

00:17:32Oh.

00:17:34Lovely.

00:17:36And our face, of course, in goal was the one,

00:17:39as I said before, one and very only, Alex Stepney.

00:17:41Here we are.

00:17:42Who's entertaining us for so many days.

00:17:46Thank you, Alex.

00:17:48Well, now, here's excitement time

00:17:50because we now move on to the winner of last week.

00:17:53But before I introduce the winner of last week,

00:17:55let me introduce you to the celebrity goalkeeper.

00:17:58One of our celebrities,

00:17:59who I know you're going to be so thrilled tonight to see,

00:18:01in the flesh.

00:18:02He's from the professionals.

00:18:04I need to say no more.

00:18:05It's Martin Shaw.

00:18:15Well, there they are.

00:18:17Look at that.

00:18:18May I congratulate you on the series?

00:18:20Thank you very much.

00:18:21It really is quite something.

00:18:22And, I mean, it's so successful

00:18:23and we're all thrilled about it.

00:18:25Yours is all right, too.

00:18:26Not doing too bad.

00:18:27Oh, we're coming along.

00:18:28We're coming along.

00:18:29But tell me, you know, getting back to,

00:18:31how many more have we got, by the way,

00:18:33of the professionals?

00:18:34I don't know the number.

00:18:35We're going until Christmas.

00:18:36You're going until Christmas?

00:18:37Yeah.

00:18:38That's marvellous.

00:18:38Anyway, meet the gentleman who's last,

00:18:41our young lad over there,

00:18:42who's last week's winner.

00:18:44We welcome back to our show,

00:18:45from last week,

00:18:46Joe Manuel.

00:18:47Well, now, Debbie,

00:18:55you didn't know you were going to meet in tonight,

00:18:57didn't you?

00:18:57No.

00:18:57So, shake hands.

00:18:58We want a good, clean fight.

00:19:00All right.

00:19:00And, by the way, you know,

00:19:02you were a bit disappointed coming here tonight

00:19:05because your car didn't blow up.

00:19:08I'm going to do that on the way home.

00:19:10Do it on the way home.

00:19:11We'll get a bigger laugh.

00:19:12Anyway, in the goal you go.

00:19:15In the goal you go there, Martin,

00:19:17and then leave me here with Joe.

00:19:18Now, Joe, manual,

00:19:20it's a sort of,

00:19:20have you ever wanted to be an automatic?

00:19:22Or, um...

00:19:23No, it's a bit Spanish-sounding.

00:19:27Sit yourself down.

00:19:28I was just giving Martin there a chance

00:19:30to get into the goal.

00:19:31Now, off you go, then.

00:19:32You've got 20 seconds.

00:19:34All right, Martin?

00:19:36Fantastic.

00:19:38He's so full of confidence now,

00:19:39he's got there.

00:19:40All right, then.

00:19:4120 seconds starting from now.

00:19:44Great, Martin.

00:20:01Just like he is on the screen all the time, isn't he?

00:20:04So, here we go with ball number two.

00:20:06We've sent it up again,

00:20:07so off you go starting from now.

00:20:09Start the clock.

00:20:10Oh!

00:20:14He saved it!

00:20:16Oh!

00:20:18Yes!

00:20:19He's saved.

00:20:20Well done!

00:20:21That was a great save, Martin,

00:20:22so it's all on this one.

00:20:23So, Dodger, you've got loads of time,

00:20:25so you can be a bit sneaky with him.

00:20:26All right, then.

00:20:27You've got about 12 seconds starting from now.

00:20:33Oh!

00:20:34Yes!

00:20:35Well done!

00:20:36Come over here to the Bash-O-Major.

00:20:44We have to stand back here a bit.

00:20:45So, what would you like to win?

00:20:46I wouldn't mind the stereo.

00:20:47You'd like the stereo?

00:20:48Yeah.

00:20:49Well, they have to give it a bit of a bash to get up there.

00:20:50I'll tell you that.

00:20:51So, there we are, muscles.

00:20:53Away you go.

00:20:54All right, Joe?

00:20:54Yep.

00:20:54Now, just a minute.

00:20:55Give it a real good go,

00:20:56because you want to get right to the top.

00:20:57Okay?

00:20:58You don't have any time.

00:20:59In your own time, away you go.

00:21:01All right, then.

00:21:01Good.

00:21:04Well, you've got the camera.

00:21:05Well, you've got the camera,

00:21:07but it's the best out of three.

00:21:09Oh!

00:21:10The golf club.

00:21:11They're lovely clubs.

00:21:14Lovely clubs.

00:21:17Do you want me to go for you?

00:21:18Or do you want me to go?

00:21:19Oh!

00:21:21That was terrible, man.

00:21:24It was really bad.

00:21:28The thing's stuck.

00:21:30Here we are.

00:21:31Where's the stereo?

00:21:32Have you got the stereo?

00:21:35Yes.

00:21:35And look who's going to present it.

00:21:37Martin Short, the presenter.

00:21:41And there's the 50-quick from Alex.

00:21:43There we are.

00:21:43Are you pleased?

00:21:44Yeah.

00:21:46There we are.

00:21:47What's up?

00:21:47That's true.

00:22:12We'll be back.

00:22:14Welcome back. Welcome back.

00:22:18And now our next guest isn't quite here yet,

00:22:21but he should be arriving any moment now.

00:22:23Oh, yes. Here he is.

00:22:26Well, I can hear the car.

00:22:27Making a bit of a noise.

00:22:29Oh, yes. It's got to be. It's James Hunt.

00:22:32Well, I'm glad he's made it,

00:22:33because I hope to persuade him to play the trumpet later on.

00:22:36But that'll be in a few minutes' time.

00:22:38In the meantime, let's meet her, let's greet her,

00:22:41the lovely Anthea.

00:22:44That's a lovely guest.

00:22:56You're going to get a bit of a wind going.

00:22:57That could be, uh...

00:22:59All the boys go...

00:23:01Yeah, but it's lovely.

00:23:04It really is lovely, yes.

00:23:05Now, look, let's see.

00:23:06Now, let's see.

00:23:07Now, you did the dancing bit last week.

00:23:09Last week. Last week.

00:23:10Last week.

00:23:11And you conducted the orchestra,

00:23:12and, uh, then you played an instrument.

00:23:14So, I mean, what part of the show

00:23:16are you going to take over this week?

00:23:17Ah, just you wait and see.

00:23:19Right.

00:23:26Can I have all the lights up, please?

00:23:29Yes, all the lights up.

00:23:30It's question time.

00:23:32Now.

00:23:32Just a minute, just a minute.

00:23:34What are you doing?

00:23:35What are you doing?

00:23:36Have you got a question, Bruce?

00:23:37Yes, I've got a question.

00:23:38Would you mind getting out into the audience?

00:23:43What?

00:23:44Around the back.

00:23:48Now, are we going to relax?

00:23:50Have we got a lily in the audience?

00:23:52I must have a lily.

00:23:54Is there a lily in the audience?

00:23:56You'll get a wreath of lilies in a minute.

00:23:58I've already done that before the show started.

00:24:00Can I have the first question, please?

00:24:16The first question.

00:24:17Here, oi, here, here.

00:24:18Yes, sir.

00:24:19Me, me.

00:24:19You, sir, you with the chin.

00:24:23With the chin?

00:24:24Don't be so rude.

00:24:26Who do you think you are?

00:24:26Me?

00:24:26What's your name, please, sir?

00:24:30Oh, good.

00:24:31My name is Bruce.

00:24:33Bruce.

00:24:37Bruce, oh, God, that's lovely.

00:24:39I had a dog once called Bruce.

00:24:42Let's say, oi, oi, oi, sorry to interrupt.

00:24:44Do you mind if I get on with my question?

00:24:46Yes, please do, please do.

00:24:47Now, then.

00:24:47Your question, sir.

00:24:48The question is this.

00:24:49All right, then.

00:24:50Now, then.

00:24:51I've heard that your husband is described...

00:24:56I've got the wrong bit here.

00:24:58Right.

00:25:03Your husband has been described as talented, brave, handsome, strong, manly and clever.

00:25:09But I bet you can't sum him up in one word.

00:25:11Of course I can.

00:25:12That's simple.

00:25:13Well, all right.

00:25:14What's the word?

00:25:14I just told you.

00:25:16He's simple.

00:25:17And I'll just take my stool with me and see you later.

00:25:31All right, sir.

00:25:32Yes, I think we're all right.

00:25:33Now, who's been brave enough to volunteer for tonight's big night screen test?

00:25:37First round, we'll test their qualities of improvisation, quick wits and personality.

00:25:42That's what our judges will be judging on, by the way, up there.

00:25:45Now, are we ready with our first screen tester, Anthea?

00:25:49We are.

00:25:49Let's have a look.

00:25:54And here we have Gary Clark.

00:25:55Yes.

00:25:56He's 18, single and comes from Hull.

00:25:58Yes, yes.

00:25:59He's a trainee rep for the Prudential Insurance.

00:26:02Oh, the man from the Prue.

00:26:04Hey, Prue and Brew.

00:26:07Prue and Brew, come on.

00:26:09He was a trainee clerk and did six months.

00:26:11Oh, shame here.

00:26:12It's a shame.

00:26:13How long were you in for?

00:26:14Six months.

00:26:16Yeah.

00:26:16And the family had a dog which got run over.

00:26:19Oh, dear.

00:26:20Their cat had to be put down.

00:26:23Oh, dear.

00:26:23They had to get rid of their pet mouse because they were being overrun.

00:26:27Oh, goodness gracious.

00:26:28Their goldfish died and so did their hamster.

00:26:31Oh.

00:26:32The only thing that can follow that is two minutes silence.

00:26:34What a way to come on and upset us all.

00:26:38Good.

00:26:39All right, Gary.

00:26:39Well, come right over here now.

00:26:41Now, I believe you're going to sort of tell us of an experience that happened to you.

00:26:45Yes.

00:26:45All right, then.

00:26:45Yes.

00:26:46All right, then.

00:26:46And this is where you start your judging from now.

00:26:48All right, then.

00:26:48Well, when I was younger...

00:26:51Well, you're only 18 now, for goodness sake.

00:26:53When you were younger?

00:26:54Yeah.

00:26:54When I was younger...

00:26:55Yeah.

00:26:56I had a younger brother.

00:26:57I still have him, of course.

00:26:58Yeah.

00:26:58Who was younger than me, and we used to sleep in the same bedroom.

00:27:03Oh, yeah.

00:27:04Yeah.

00:27:05And one night, we were just settling down in the bedroom, and there was a scratching in

00:27:10the corner from the cupboard.

00:27:11Oh, yeah.

00:27:12And he said, hey, Gaz, I don't like the sound of that.

00:27:16I said, ah, don't worry about it.

00:27:17It's only the cat.

00:27:18It's only the cat.

00:27:19A couple of minutes later, hey, scratching again.

00:27:23I don't like it.

00:27:24I'm going.

00:27:25I'm going down.

00:27:26So I said, hang on.

00:27:28Wait for me, then.

00:27:28So I got out as well.

00:27:30We both got out of bed.

00:27:30Yeah.

00:27:31And we walked towards the door.

00:27:32And I thought, why, it must be the cat.

00:27:35I'll have a look, I thought.

00:27:36So being the brave person I am, I said to my brother, go and have a look.

00:27:41So I pushed him towards the cupboard.

00:27:43Yeah.

00:27:44And I stayed by the door.

00:27:46Yeah.

00:27:46And he pulled open the door very cautiously, and a hand went, brrrr.

00:27:50Ah!

00:27:50And he said, a hand running towards the door.

00:27:53Yeah.

00:27:53Crashing heads, trying to get out first.

00:27:55Yeah.

00:27:56And the door handle broke off, and the door shut.

00:27:58Yeah.

00:27:58I was scrambling away, trying to get the door open.

00:28:00It wouldn't open.

00:28:02Man used to get it open.

00:28:03Yeah.

00:28:03I rushed down the stairs first.

00:28:05Yeah.

00:28:05Running as fast as I could.

00:28:06He could pass me like a train.

00:28:07Choo!

00:28:08Straight down the stairs, into the front room.

00:28:09A hand upstairs.

00:28:11It's in the cupboard.

00:28:13Oh!

00:28:13It's a hand.

00:28:14We've seen a hand.

00:28:15We've seen a hand.

00:28:15And Mum and Dad tried to calm us down.

00:28:17Yeah.

00:28:17They calmed us down eventually.

00:28:18Sure.

00:28:19And they asked us to go back up the stairs to have a look what it was.

00:28:22We wouldn't.

00:28:22Yeah.

00:28:22We wouldn't.

00:28:23We wouldn't go.

00:28:24Yeah.

00:28:24We was up pushing me dad up first.

00:28:26And we got up there, and he walked into the bedroom, and we were getting further and further

00:28:31back from him, and he went into the corner, and he got hold of the cupboard doors again,

00:28:37and he opened it up, and flop, out fell my brother's puppet.

00:28:41Oh, no.

00:28:45Oh, thank you.

00:28:46Quite awful for that.

00:28:48Very started.

00:28:49Told it very well, actually.

00:28:53That was very, very real, and they're actually, they're actually, they're actually not.

00:28:57Now, the other part of it is this.

00:28:59We've given each one of our contestants a limerick.

00:29:02At least we've, you know, we've shown them the first bit of a limerick, and they've got

00:29:06a, they've had, since they've been here, which has been about the last hour, got to think

00:29:10up a last line to this limerick.

00:29:13All right, then?

00:29:14You haven't any help with this, have you?

00:29:16No.

00:29:16Good.

00:29:16That's fine.

00:29:17That's what we wanted.

00:29:17Right.

00:29:18There was a young pilot named Brown, lost his way over Dunstable Down, when asked on transmission

00:29:25his height and position.

00:29:27He said five foot six, and I'm sitting, you clown.

00:29:30Right.

00:29:30Very good.

00:29:31Thank you, Gary.

00:29:32Come here.

00:29:35Come here.

00:29:36There we are.

00:29:36Let's have the points there.

00:29:387, 14, 22, 28, 33.

00:29:41Thank you, Gary, for being with us.

00:29:42Down you go there.

00:29:43That's fine.

00:29:44And who have we got now?

00:29:45This is Trevor Smith, Shirley.

00:29:53Yep.

00:29:53Trevor Smith, Shirley?

00:29:54Yes.

00:29:55Oh.

00:29:56He's from over there, but what?

00:30:00Shirley and son.

00:30:01The Shirley's all over the place.

00:30:02What's up with you?

00:30:03Go on, get into it.

00:30:04He's 29 and in the tar and battery business.

00:30:07Oh, tar and battery?

00:30:08Yes.

00:30:08Yes, yes.

00:30:09It's called SB Auto Factors.

00:30:12Oh, SB?

00:30:13And it's tar and battery bit.

00:30:15Have you tared it with nothing on?

00:30:16No.

00:30:20And he proposed to his wife, Jane, outside her mother's house.

00:30:24Oh, really?

00:30:24What did she say?

00:30:25She said, actually, I've got to go to the toilet.

00:30:29Did she?

00:30:29Really, and she rushed inside, roared upstairs.

00:30:32She must have gone to the toilet.

00:30:33She then opened the window and said, yes, and I drove off.

00:30:36Oh.

00:30:37So how long was she engaged?

00:30:41Two minutes.

00:30:45There you go.

00:30:46It didn't turn into a marriage of convenience.

00:30:52I thought that would have got a bit of luck.

00:30:55Maybe the penny didn't drop.

00:30:58Right.

00:30:59All right, Trevor, thank you for being with us,

00:31:02and thank you, darling, for bringing her on there.

00:31:03There we are.

00:31:04Now, your little personal experience we'd like to hear about.

00:31:07All right, Trevor?

00:31:09One Sunday lunchtime in the pub,

00:31:12we'd all had a few beers, of course, as always, Sunday lunchtime.

00:31:15About 1.30, my brother-in-law came around with his new truck,

00:31:19a new pickup truck.

00:31:20Yes.

00:31:21And he said, would you like to come out and have a look?

00:31:23So about a dozen of us there, so we thought,

00:31:25yes, OK, we'll come out and have a look.

00:31:26So we went out and had a look,

00:31:29we climbed on board,

00:31:30and we thought we'd christen it.

00:31:31So there's about a dozen on the back,

00:31:33and my brother-in-law are driving,

00:31:34we hurtle off down the road.

00:31:36Yeah.

00:31:36Now, on the back of this truck is a ladder,

00:31:38about this sort of angle,

00:31:39and I'm sitting on top of the ladder,

00:31:40quite happy.

00:31:41We fly around a corner, of course,

00:31:43the ladder moves,

00:31:44and I shoot off like a cannonball.

00:31:46And I dive straight into a privet hedge.

00:31:49Back out the privet hedge,

00:31:51foot.

00:31:52All that, you know.

00:31:53Oh, you're down your foot in?

00:31:54That's right.

00:31:54Down your foot in.

00:31:55Hopping.

00:31:56Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:31:57So-called immediate hospitalisation.

00:31:59Yeah.

00:31:59Actually, I went home first,

00:32:00and my wife said,

00:32:01oh, well, you know, it's getting bigger.

00:32:02It was.

00:32:03Yeah, really swelling up.

00:32:04Right, I know.

00:32:04Go to the hospital.

00:32:05Yeah.

00:32:05So I walked in,

00:32:09and had a wrap on the counter.

00:32:11Yeah.

00:32:12Nobody there, of course.

00:32:13And eventually,

00:32:13out came a guy,

00:32:14crisp white coat,

00:32:15and, yes?

00:32:17And, um...

00:32:18Okay.

00:32:20And he said,

00:32:21name,

00:32:21and address,

00:32:22religion,

00:32:23and he took all the details.

00:32:24He said,

00:32:24wait over there,

00:32:25so I had to wait over there.

00:32:27Because I sat down,

00:32:28and next to me,

00:32:29we've got one of these,

00:32:30you know,

00:32:31and the other side,

00:32:31I've got,

00:32:32oh,

00:32:33an opposite,

00:32:34one of those.

00:32:37About five minutes later,

00:32:38the door opened.

00:32:39Great big lady came through the swing doors,

00:32:41like the ghost train doors.

00:32:42Yeah.

00:32:42Big lady came through like this.

00:32:44Big bun on the back of the head.

00:32:45Next!

00:32:46It was me, you see.

00:32:47Yeah.

00:32:48So she marched me off down the corridor,

00:32:50down to the, um,

00:32:51down to the x-ray department,

00:32:52and, uh,

00:32:54she started taking some details of the accident.

00:32:55She said to me,

00:32:56tell me,

00:32:57she said,

00:32:57how did this happen?

00:32:59I said,

00:32:59well,

00:33:00actually,

00:33:00I fell off a ladder.

00:33:02And she said,

00:33:02well,

00:33:03how high up the ladder were you?

00:33:05I said,

00:33:05well,

00:33:05I'm sorry,

00:33:06it wasn't so much the height,

00:33:07it was the speed it was doing.

00:33:13That's, um,

00:33:14that is very good.

00:33:16Thank you, Trevor.

00:33:18Right,

00:33:19you're halfway through now,

00:33:20and now it's the, uh,

00:33:21the limerick test.

00:33:22All right,

00:33:23then,

00:33:23this is for you.

00:33:24A young smoker said,

00:33:25what a wheeze.

00:33:27They've made these new fags out of trees.

00:33:30No tobacco and so.

00:33:32I'll stay healthy,

00:33:33I know.

00:33:34And be spruce like Bruce with ease.

00:33:39Yes.

00:33:41Very good.

00:33:42Very good.

00:33:43Very good.

00:33:44All of them scores here.

00:33:459, 18, 27,

00:33:47one's dropped.

00:33:48It was another 9,

00:33:4936,

00:33:5044,

00:33:50I believe.

00:33:51Yes,

00:33:51Trevor,

00:33:52very well done indeed.

00:33:53Thank you very much.

00:33:53Thank you for the score.

00:33:55Good.

00:33:55Well,

00:33:55there you go.

00:33:56This is Martin,

00:34:02Martin Harrison.

00:34:02Martin,

00:34:03yes.

00:34:03He's 26,

00:34:04lives in Rippenden,

00:34:06West York.

00:34:06I see,

00:34:07yes,

00:34:07fine.

00:34:07He's a salesman for sunglasses.

00:34:09Oh,

00:34:09a salesman for sunglasses?

00:34:10Yes.

00:34:10That's unusual,

00:34:11yeah.

00:34:11And his wife,

00:34:12Gillian,

00:34:12is 24,

00:34:13and expecting a baby in January.

00:34:15Oh,

00:34:15is she?

00:34:16What does she want,

00:34:16a boy or a girl?

00:34:17I don't think anything,

00:34:18really.

00:34:18Well,

00:34:18what does she prefer?

00:34:20Um,

00:34:20child,

00:34:21I think.

00:34:25A child,

00:34:26but what do you,

00:34:27what would you prefer?

00:34:27I think a boy.

00:34:28A boy,

00:34:29yeah.

00:34:29Yeah,

00:34:30well,

00:34:30make her wear the sunglasses.

00:34:31Um,

00:34:32the sunglasses.

00:34:38You didn't get that,

00:34:39well,

00:34:39you never do.

00:34:41All right,

00:34:41but give her our love anyway,

00:34:42and we hope it's a beautiful baby

00:34:44when it all arrives.

00:34:44That's beautiful,

00:34:45yes?

00:34:45Uh,

00:34:45he met Gillian at his local pub.

00:34:47Oh,

00:34:47you met her at the pub?

00:34:48So if you hadn't met her at the pub,

00:34:49she wouldn't be in the club.

00:34:50That's right.

00:34:52Go on,

00:34:53please.

00:34:53Anything,

00:34:54anything else he does?

00:34:54Yes.

00:34:55He likes,

00:34:56middle-of-the-road type music.

00:34:57Oh,

00:34:58mind you,

00:34:58don't get run over.

00:34:59Right.

00:35:00Perfect.

00:35:01Now then,

00:35:02thank you,

00:35:02Anthony,

00:35:02again,

00:35:03my darling.

00:35:03There we are.

00:35:04You've got a sort of,

00:35:04a sort of an experience

00:35:06that you'd like to tell us about,

00:35:07something that happened to you.

00:35:08Yes,

00:35:08it happened about 12 months ago

00:35:09on holiday in,

00:35:10uh,

00:35:11Tenerife.

00:35:11Yes,

00:35:11yes.

00:35:12and,

00:35:12uh,

00:35:13the funny thing about it is,

00:35:14is I actually broke a foot

00:35:15while sunbathing.

00:35:17Uh,

00:35:17what happened was that

00:35:18I got up early one morning.

00:35:20You broke a foot while sunbathing?

00:35:21That's right.

00:35:22God,

00:35:23how can you do that?

00:35:24Go on.

00:35:24Well,

00:35:24I got up early one morning,

00:35:25and,

00:35:26because you know how it is over there,

00:35:27if you don't get out about seven o'clock,

00:35:29the Germans and the Scandinavians,

00:35:31all bronzy bronzy there,

00:35:32but you're too late,

00:35:32they get the towels out of these.

00:35:33That's true,

00:35:34actually.

00:35:34That is absolutely true what you're saying.

00:35:36Come about 10.30,

00:35:37Mr. Great Britain arrives,

00:35:38and he's got his trousers rolled up to his knees,

00:35:41and,

00:35:41and nothing like it.

00:35:44I think that over his arm,

00:35:45and,

00:35:46he's got the wife on the beach

00:35:47watching out for sharks.

00:35:48The only way to do it

00:35:54is to get out there

00:35:55about seven o'clock,

00:35:56so I had about

00:35:57two or three hours in the sun,

00:35:59and of course,

00:36:00over there,

00:36:00about quarter to ten,

00:36:01the bar's open,

00:36:02so I got up,

00:36:05intended to make my way to the bar,

00:36:06and I stood up

00:36:08off the sun lounger,

00:36:09and the circulation had stopped

00:36:11in both my feet,

00:36:12and I just fell straight over,

00:36:15and,

00:36:16You just got out and went?

00:36:18Yeah,

00:36:18because the circulation has stopped.

00:36:20That's right,

00:36:20I heard a crack,

00:36:21and I thought I'd broken my ankle,

00:36:23and immediately,

00:36:24my foot swelled up,

00:36:25and,

00:36:26went to the hospital,

00:36:27and I was told that,

00:36:28I'd got a broken foot,

00:36:30so I phoned my boss,

00:36:31when I got back,

00:36:32and said,

00:36:33can't come back to work for,

00:36:34about another five weeks,

00:36:35and I'm having three weeks in tennery,

00:36:37because I've got a broken foot.

00:36:37Three weeks in tennery,

00:36:38but can't go back for five,

00:36:39yeah.

00:36:40And the only thing he could say,

00:36:41well,

00:36:41I think you've got a lame excuse.

00:36:46I like that.

00:36:47I like that.

00:36:48Very good.

00:36:50It's a lovely story.

00:36:51It's lovely.

00:36:53And true,

00:36:54when I know that,

00:36:54I could tell the way you tell it,

00:36:55especially that you're painting the picture of tennery.

00:36:57Now,

00:36:58here's your limerick part of the,

00:36:59sort of,

00:37:00contest.

00:37:01All right,

00:37:01then.

00:37:02A Scotsman called Hamish McClout,

00:37:05caught a fly,

00:37:06in his half pint of stout.

00:37:09He held the thing high,

00:37:11and said with a cry,

00:37:13what's this?

00:37:14A fly's cure for goat.

00:37:20So there we are,

00:37:21let's have anything you'll score at 8,

00:37:2216,

00:37:2224,

00:37:2332,

00:37:2341.

00:37:24Another high score.

00:37:26Thank you very much indeed.

00:37:28So how have you gone on tonight,

00:37:29Adia?

00:37:30Um,

00:37:30well actually,

00:37:31Trevor Smith has won with 44 points.

00:37:33Trevor Smith,

00:37:34yes,

00:37:34oh from Shirley.

00:37:35That's right.

00:37:36Well done.

00:37:36All right.

00:37:37And thank you Denny.

00:37:45Here's your,

00:37:46your gold trophy.

00:37:47Thank you very much.

00:37:48To put on the mantelpiece,

00:37:49or any other place you want to put it.

00:37:50All right then.

00:37:51And our losers,

00:37:52all right,

00:37:52all right then,

00:37:53be like that.

00:37:54Our losers will all get a silver one.

00:37:55All right then.

00:37:56Give you a smack.

00:37:57Right.

00:37:58Thank you Denny.

00:37:58Well now,

00:37:59you're going to take part in the big night screen test,

00:38:01which is coming up very soon,

00:38:02and I think you're going to have a bit of fun with this.

00:38:04I hope so.

00:38:04I'm sure.

00:38:05I hope so anyway.

00:38:06It looks as though it's going to be a bit of fun.

00:38:07Thank you again Trevor,

00:38:08so we'll be seeing you later.

00:38:10And thank you Trevor.

00:38:12Very well done.

00:38:15Well now last week we brought you Grace Kennedy,

00:38:18a new and fast rising star.

00:38:20This week,

00:38:20it's a turn of a young man.

00:38:22It would be nonsense to call him new in Scotland,

00:38:24because up there,

00:38:25he's a star in his own right.

00:38:27But south of the border,

00:38:29he's not so well known.

00:38:30Well,

00:38:30we're going to put that right tonight.

00:38:32Ladies and gentlemen,

00:38:33Christian.

00:38:37I was eating a giant old sandwich,

00:38:47walking down 8th Avenue.

00:38:50When a young girl came up to me and said,

00:38:52brother,

00:38:53you got something I can chew.

00:38:55Well,

00:38:55I kept walking along,

00:38:56trying to make up a song about what to do.

00:38:59All the city nights and the Broadway lights are like a dream come true.

00:39:05Good old New York,

00:39:06New York,

00:39:07so good they named it twice.

00:39:10New York,

00:39:11New York,

00:39:13all the scandal and the vice.

00:39:14I love it.

00:39:15New York,

00:39:16New York,

00:39:18now isn't it a pity,

00:39:21what they say about New York City?

00:39:23It's a really nice night for a good speed fighter over our bridge.

00:39:37But I always knew in my hometown that would never happen to me.

00:39:42I kept walking around,

00:39:44trying to make up a sound of what it's like to be.

00:39:47And the city of light and the ragtime light is something more than free.

00:39:52New York,

00:39:54New York,

00:39:55so good they named it twice.

00:39:58New York,

00:39:59New York,

00:40:00all the scandal and the vice.

00:40:02I love it.

00:40:03New York,

00:40:04New York,

00:40:05now isn't it a pity,

00:40:09what they say about New York City?

00:40:12New York,

00:40:13New York,

00:40:14New York,

00:40:16New York,

00:40:18New York.

00:40:18Every time I have to leave and travel far away,

00:40:25I am never,

00:40:27ever happy till I'm home to stay,

00:40:29home to stay in New York.

00:40:32New York,

00:40:48New York,

00:40:51so good they named it twice.

00:40:54New York,

00:40:55New York,

00:40:56all the scandal and the vice.

00:40:58I love it.

00:40:59New York,

00:41:00New York,

00:41:01now isn't it a pity,

00:41:05what they say about New York.

00:41:07New York,

00:41:08so good they named it twice.

00:41:11New York,

00:41:12New York,

00:41:13all the scandal and the vice.

00:41:15I love it.

00:41:16New York,

00:41:17New York,

00:41:18now isn't it a pity,

00:41:22what they do in the New York,

00:41:24do in the New York,

00:41:25do in the New York City.

00:41:26New York,

00:41:27New York,

00:41:28New York,

00:41:29New York,

00:41:30New York,

00:41:31New York,

00:41:32New York,

00:41:33New York,

00:41:34New York.

00:41:35New York.

00:41:47Thank you, Christian,

00:41:49and good luck.

00:41:50Right.

00:41:52Well, now,

00:41:52it's time for the big night screen test.

00:41:55Tonight,

00:41:56we have chosen

00:41:57that immoral love,

00:41:58immortal love story.

00:42:03Immortal love story,

00:42:05brief encounter.

00:42:07There's the counter.

00:42:12We're going to that lovely scene

00:42:13where, you know,

00:42:14the heroine gets that little bit of grit

00:42:16in the eye,

00:42:17and that started off

00:42:17one of the greatest love scenes

00:42:18of all time.

00:42:19Ladies and gentlemen,

00:42:20and sort of the part

00:42:21was created by Celia Johnson.

00:42:23Tonight,

00:42:23we'll be played by,

00:42:24from Robin's Nest,

00:42:26Tessa Wyatt.

00:42:29I knew you'd like that.

00:42:31I knew you'd like that.

00:42:33And our winning contestant,

00:42:35well,

00:42:35funnily enough,

00:42:36he will be playing the part

00:42:37of Trevor Howard,

00:42:38who was the doctor.

00:42:39It will be our winning contestant,

00:42:41Trevor Smith.

00:42:41And I,

00:42:46I will play the part

00:42:48of Joyce Carey

00:42:49and Stanley Holloway.

00:42:53I'm well in this one.

00:42:55So,

00:42:55ladies and gentlemen,

00:42:56as I said before,

00:42:57brief encounter.

00:42:59It's nice there,

00:43:14Alan.

00:43:15It really is.

00:43:15It reminds me of that

00:43:16pianist.

00:43:17You mean,

00:43:17Sanprini?

00:43:18No,

00:43:18Campari.

00:43:21Or was it

00:43:21Campari?

00:43:27Yeah.

00:43:28Anyway,

00:43:28All aboard!

00:43:34Hop!

00:43:35Hop!

00:43:36Oh.

00:43:38The boat was thirsty.

00:43:39Cat!

00:43:49Cat!

00:43:58La, la, la, la.

00:43:59La-da-dam

00:44:02Do-do-do

00:44:04Do-do-do

00:44:06La-da-hoo

00:44:09Do-do-do-do-do-do

00:44:11Anybody there?

00:44:17Get out, I'm not ready yet.

00:44:22Get out, I'm not ready yet.

00:44:52Lovely cup of tea.

00:44:54All right then.

00:44:55Jolly good.

00:44:55I'll bring the crampet over when it's hot.

00:44:57Over there, isn't it?

00:44:59Oh!

00:45:12It's a bit early.

00:45:15I haven't had a cup of tea, can't I?

00:45:17What a shame.

00:45:18Another cup of tea.

00:45:20Yes, I wouldn't have given it to you if I'd have known, but the 4.35 is very early.

00:45:24All right then, there's your other cup of tea, lovely.

00:45:26Away you go.

00:45:26All right then.

00:45:27Oh!

00:45:29I'm quite sorry, but I've got something in my eye.

00:45:32Let me help.

00:45:33I'm a doctor.

00:45:34Alec Harvey, MD, GP, FRCS.

00:45:37Well, that's a funny way to spell Harvey.

00:45:40Do you have a hanky?

00:45:42Yes.

00:45:44Bruce, do you have a cloth?

00:45:46Whatever.

00:45:46It's supposed to be a short bit.

00:45:48Have you got a handkerchief?

00:45:50There should be one in there.

00:45:51Put one in this right hand.

00:45:52Oh, very funny.

00:45:55Very funny!

00:45:57That was a good idea.

00:45:58Take the handkerchief out, wasn't it?

00:46:00You went to the Christmas party.

00:46:04I knew there was going to be one.

00:46:08Go over there, darling, will you?

00:46:10It might lie.

00:46:10It's a bit sloppy.

00:46:11If you'll get over there and come over to me and say, have you got a cloth?

00:46:15Have you got a cloth?

00:46:16Have you got a cloth?

00:46:17Have you got a cloth?

00:46:17All right.

00:46:18Hold on.

00:46:19Cut!

00:46:21Wait till I say action.

00:46:22Then you say, have you got a cloth?

00:46:23And stop laughing.

00:46:24You're supposed to be Trevor Howard.

00:46:26Laughing his life.

00:46:27Right.

00:46:31Are you ready?

00:46:32Action.

00:46:33Do you have a cloth?

00:46:34A what?

00:46:35A cloth.

00:46:36I'm sorry, I've got cloth here.

00:46:38Here we are.

00:46:39How about this?

00:46:43Very funny again.

00:46:45Good idea to start the cloth.

00:46:47What then?

00:46:49Uh, we'll have to, um, that'll do.

00:46:55Put your briefcase down, all right then?

00:46:57Have a go with that.

00:46:58Put it out the lady's eye.

00:46:59Get it out the lady's eye.

00:47:00All right then?

00:47:02Are you sure you're a doctor?

00:47:04You know, I'm not used to this treatment.

00:47:06I'm, please.

00:47:07Never mind.

00:47:08Sit down.

00:47:08Let's get, cut!

00:47:10Cut!

00:47:11Sit down.

00:47:12Let's do the love scene.

00:47:13All right then?

00:47:14Get to the love scene.

00:47:15All right then?

00:47:15Are you ready?

00:47:16When I say action?

00:47:17All right then?

00:47:18Let me go.

00:47:19Can I have your name?

00:47:20Just a minute.

00:47:20I haven't said action yet.

00:47:23Action.

00:47:24Can I have your name?

00:47:26No.

00:47:26I'm still using it.

00:47:28Oh.

00:47:28How could you love an ordinary person like me?

00:47:40I come from an ordinary town.

00:47:42I live in an ordinary house.

00:47:43I have an ordinary husband, two ordinary children, and two cats.

00:47:48One Manx, and one ordinary.

00:47:51How can you possibly say you love me when I'm wearing this ordinary hat, this ordinary coat, and sensible shoes?

00:48:02Maybe that's why I love you, because you're so ordinary.

00:48:06Take a pause.

00:48:08Plead.

00:48:09A cup of tea, Laura.

00:48:11Take a pause and plead.

00:48:16That's a stage direction.

00:48:18Take a pause and plead.

00:48:22You silly pleader.

00:48:23Do the just a cup of tea, darling.

00:48:35All right then?

00:48:35Laura.

00:48:36All right then?

00:48:36Just do that.

00:48:37Right.

00:48:37Cut!

00:48:38Action.

00:48:40A cup of tea, darling, Laura.

00:48:42Yes, please, Alec.

00:48:44With or without?

00:48:45Just ordinary.

00:48:48X to bar.

00:48:49X to bar.

00:48:50A cup of tea, please.

00:48:51Ordinary.

00:48:53Cake or pastry?

00:48:54Aren't those bath ones fresh?

00:48:56Fresh?

00:48:57I've bathed them myself.

00:48:59Here we are then.

00:49:00Here we are.

00:49:00Fine.

00:49:01Here's one.

00:49:08There we are.

00:49:09Balance on there.

00:49:09Can't we?

00:49:12Anything like Trevor Howard.

00:49:15Yes, sit down.

00:49:17Right.

00:49:18Now look.

00:49:18Cut!

00:49:19Cut!

00:49:19For goodness sake.

00:49:20Look, let's get to this.

00:49:21All you've got to know.

00:49:22When I say action, all you say is, shall we run away together?

00:49:26All right then?

00:49:27Remember that.

00:49:28All right then?

00:49:28When I say action, and look at her, another plead.

00:49:31All right then?

00:49:32Right.

00:49:32Action.

00:49:33Shall we run away together?

00:49:34Christopher?

00:49:35Oh, Alice!

00:49:36All right.

00:49:37All right.

00:49:38All right.

00:49:40All right.

00:49:41It seems we're going to do Swarm next week. He's come for an audition.

00:49:59You all right, Ollie? Goodbye.

00:50:11Where are we at, sir? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's it. Run. Run away. Go on. Away.

00:50:22Run away? But where can we run to?

00:50:25I could take this posting in Africa.

00:50:27Africa? I know it. It's abroad, isn't it?

00:50:33Well, but we've got to go somewhere. What's the time?

00:50:37Stand by for a station announcement. The train now arriving is the Chattanooga Choo Choo.

00:50:44What platform? Track 29.

00:50:48For you, give me a shot.

00:50:51She's going to cry until you tell her that you never rode.

00:50:55Follow me.

00:50:56Todd's travelling along, singing a song.

00:51:00Stand by.

00:51:02Stand by.

00:51:07Yes!

00:51:09Ho-ho!

00:51:11Amazing.

00:51:12There you are.

00:51:20Hello, my darling.

00:51:21Who's this?

00:51:21We've seen Trevor's wife, Jane, and she's been patiently waiting in the wings.

00:51:25Oh, lovely. And thank you, Jenny, but...

00:51:27LAUGHTER

00:51:28LAUGHTER

00:51:29You have to be patiently waiting, have you, darling? Well, that's lovely.

00:51:35Now, before we go any further, you've got a choice.

00:51:39You can either have a lovely 20-inch coloured television set or the music centre.

00:51:43What would you like?

00:51:44What is it?

00:51:44The music centre.

00:51:45The music centre, please.

00:51:46That's a family vote, is it?

00:51:47Yes.

00:51:47All right, then. We'll go and get those ready.

00:51:50Thank you again, darling.

00:51:51Well, now, we've got the big crunch now.

00:51:52Can I have my jacket, please, David?

00:51:54That's it.

00:51:54Put the pork pie down.

00:51:55Right.

00:51:57Now, this is for a very big special prize.

00:52:01We want you to get on a bit of an angle like that.

00:52:03And for this, we want you to answer questions on comedy,

00:52:07either television, radio, or film comedy.

00:52:10Now, what would you like to answer questions on?

00:52:12TV, please.

00:52:13TV?

00:52:14Yes, please.

00:52:15TV comedy.

00:52:16All right, then.

00:52:17Well, now, I feel a Denny in the area somewhere.

00:52:22Couldn't you have got a bus?

00:52:26Oh, she's giving me the right envelope, too.

00:52:28Well done, Den.

00:52:30Now, then.

00:52:32Questions on television comedy.

00:52:35All right, coming up now.

00:52:36The first question, and I do have to be very strict about these,

00:52:38and please, no shouting out from the audience.

00:52:41Name three British double acts who have had their own TV series.

00:52:46Only three.

00:52:47Morecambe and Wise is one.

00:52:48Little and Large.

00:52:49Little and Large is two.

00:52:51Mike and Bernie Winters.

00:52:53Yes, that is three.

00:52:54So that's fine.

00:52:55So you've got one question out of three.

00:52:57All right, then.

00:52:58Next one.

00:52:58Who played Ronnie Barker's cellmate, Godber, in Porridge?

00:53:03Oh, my gosh.

00:53:05Shh, shh, shh, shh.

00:53:07Ronnie Barker's cellmate, Godber.

00:53:11Richard.

00:53:11Richard, you all right with Richard?

00:53:12Richard, er...

00:53:14Birkenstead.

00:53:16Birkhamstead?

00:53:16Birkhamstead.

00:53:17Birkenstead, isn't it?

00:53:18No, Birkenstead.

00:53:19No.

00:53:20Oh, the Jewish guy, yeah.

00:53:22Birkenstead.

00:53:23Richard Bekstead.

00:53:24Birkenstead.

00:53:25Birkenstead.

00:53:26Is it?

00:53:26Stale?

00:53:27Birkenstead.

00:53:29Birkenstead.

00:53:29It's not Birkenstead.

00:53:31Richard.

00:53:31Birkenstead.

00:53:33Birkenstead.

00:53:34Birkenstead.

00:53:35Birkenstead.

00:53:36Birkenstead, yes.

00:53:37That's what I said.

00:53:37I haven't forgotten you for the pause and the plea, Dutty, yet, mate.

00:53:49Now then, the last one is this, and we do have to be strict about this.

00:53:52You've got two out of three.

00:53:53Name three compayers of Sunday night at the London Palladium.

00:53:58Norman Vaughan.

00:53:59Yes.

00:53:59Bruce Forsythe.

00:54:00Yes.

00:54:03Jimmy Tarbuck.

00:54:05Yes, that's it.

00:54:07All right.

00:54:12Well, we scraped through, and you've won a major prize.

00:54:17Now then, you're going on a ten-day trip to America.

00:54:21Fabulous.

00:54:22You will spend two days of that in New York, and while you're there, you will see a top Broadway show.

00:54:28Then you will fly to Florida and spend four days at the Dorrell Hotel, got carpets?

00:54:33Which is in Miami Beach, or on Miami Beach.

00:54:39All right, then?

00:54:39Only about four miles from the beach.

00:54:44By jet.

00:54:46And then, you will go on a special four-day trip to the fabulous Disney World.

00:54:51And this is an experience, isn't it?

00:54:54No.

00:54:54We will pay your expenses and give you $100 a day spending money.

00:54:59Are you pleased?

00:55:00Oh, marvellous.

00:55:00It's been a good night.

00:55:01Absolutely marvellous.

00:55:01Has it been a big night?

00:55:03Fabulous.

00:55:03A real big night.

00:55:04Well, thank you, Jane.

00:55:04Can I give you a chance?

00:55:05Oh, why not?

00:55:06Very well.

00:55:07Thank you very much, Jennifer.

00:55:08Take care, everybody.

00:55:15Lovely.

00:55:16They're so thrilled about that, and so I'm very, very happy for them.

00:55:19Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, here at last, with his trumpet, is James Hunt.

00:55:24Well, now, lovely to have you with us, and thank you for coming and visiting us like this.

00:55:37We've all read of the incredible stories, you know, about being a racing driver, all the

00:55:41press coverage and all that sort of thing, and is it really all fast girls and fast cars?

00:55:49Well, the cars aren't that fast.

00:55:50Are you going to play the trumpet for us?

00:55:56No.

00:55:57Not involuntary?

00:55:59All right, then.

00:56:00Now, look, would you say that you're a good driver on the road?

00:56:03I mean, we know you're good on the track, but on a normal road, you know, with normal

00:56:08drivers, would you say you're a good driver?

00:56:11Well, that's a silly question.

00:56:12I guarantee you that you can ask anybody here, and they'll all say they're good drivers.

00:56:15I'm a normal person.

00:56:16I think I'm terrific.

00:56:17You think you're a good driver?

00:56:18Of course I do.

00:56:18Well, now, tell me another thing.

00:56:19You know, when you stop at traffic lights or something like that, and there's a guy

00:56:23there with his girlfriend, you know, right opposite of it, and his girlfriend says,

00:56:27Oh, look, there's James Hunt.

00:56:28And you look over and you do your...

00:56:31Because I've seen yours now, yeah.

00:56:35I see if there's any action.

00:56:36You know.

00:56:37All that.

00:56:37Do you then, do you then sort of get involved and try to race him, or what happens?

00:56:44Funnily enough, it doesn't happen very often.

00:56:46It doesn't?

00:56:46Yeah.

00:56:47And anyway, I learnt my lesson.

00:56:48I've given it up now.

00:56:49Why?

00:56:49What happened?

00:56:49Well, I was going down to Brands Hatch a couple of years ago.

00:56:53Yeah.

00:56:54To the British Grand Prix.

00:56:55I think it was on race day.

00:56:55I was driving down there in the morning, and this guy pulls up at the lights next to me,

00:56:59and he's a bit racy, and we were sitting in the car and feeling in a good mood,

00:57:02and I said, okay, let's give him a race.

00:57:04And anyway, so the lights turned green and I stalled.

00:57:09Did you?

00:57:09Yeah.

00:57:10So, you know, it's a question of professional pride.

00:57:13I won't give him a chance now.

00:57:14So now you sort of...

00:57:16I get beaten enough on the track, as it is anyway.

00:57:19I don't need to rub it in.

00:57:20Well, now, let me see.

00:57:22What else have we got?

00:57:22Are you going to play the trumpet?

00:57:24Oh, I asked you that before, didn't I?

00:57:26Ask me other questions.

00:57:26Now, look, the other thing is, the other thing is,

00:57:29no, I haven't read it.

00:57:29I've got loads of questions.

00:57:30I've got more questions than you've got in the mouth, I think.

00:57:34Yes, I did hear one other thing.

00:57:36That you were stranded in Spain, you know, on the roadside, rather,

00:57:40your car had conked out, and we got word of this,

00:57:43and some English tourists over there stopped.

00:57:46You read newspapers like that?

00:57:47Yes.

00:57:49And evidently, you'd run out of petrol.

00:57:51Is that right?

00:57:52On a highway in Spain.

00:57:54Was this because Eric and Ernie didn't put enough in?

00:57:59That's my free supply of juice.

00:58:03But I think, one doesn't expect a world champion to, you know,

00:58:06sort of run out of petrol like that, for goodness sake.

00:58:09Have you seen Eric and Ernie lately?

00:58:10Exactly, exactly.

00:58:11I saw them this morning.

00:58:12I was just having a word with them about that.

00:58:13Listen, anyway, we don't want to discuss that,

00:58:15because running out of petrol is embarrassing enough for everybody.

00:58:17What, from Eric and Ernie?

00:58:20Certainly.

00:58:20Oh, bless their hearts.

00:58:21They said to give it to you.

00:58:21Because I haven't seen her for a long time.

00:58:23Have you seen them this morning?

00:58:24They're around.

00:58:25They're in very good shape.

00:58:25Do you mind if I read this?

00:58:26Dear Bruce, all the best with the series.

00:58:29Can't wait for it to start.

00:58:36Give Anthea back the moustache.

00:58:38We'll go back, if you will.

00:58:53Well, now, are you going to play the trumpet?

00:58:56I don't know.

00:58:58Well, look, Tim, look, we have another surprise.

00:59:00We have...

00:59:01I have run out of questions.

00:59:03But we have got one surprise left,

00:59:05just in case you didn't want to play the trumpet.

00:59:07I've got a surprise for you.

00:59:08Now, on our show,

00:59:09you're going to drive your new car, the Wolf.

00:59:13That's much more like it.

00:59:14Tonight.

00:59:15OK.

00:59:15And you're going to have a race with me.

00:59:17That shouldn't be too much trouble, is it?

00:59:18OK.

00:59:19We're getting it all set up.

00:59:20Now, look, if I win the race,

00:59:22if I'm a better driver than you are,

00:59:24right,

00:59:25then you're going to play the trumpet.

00:59:28If you're a better driver than I am,

00:59:29I'll play every instrument in the orchestra.

00:59:33All right.

00:59:34Even though I never loved them.

00:59:35Yeah.

00:59:35OK, right.

00:59:39It's going to be a Le Mans start.

00:59:42What's that?

00:59:43What's that?

00:59:44How old are you?

00:59:45It means we start from the chairs and we run,

00:59:48and then we start with the race.

00:59:50That's the silly thing they used to do years and years ago.

00:59:52The silly thing they used to do years and years ago.

00:59:54In my day.

00:59:55Right.

00:59:55Yeah, you've got to be sorry about this.

00:59:56But you've got an unfair advantage now.

00:59:58I mean, you know how to do these things.

00:59:59Never mind.

00:59:59Just get out of the chair.

01:00:00That'll do you a bit of good for a start.

01:00:02Right.

01:00:02OK, ready, steady, go.

01:00:05Stop!

01:00:08Which one's which?

01:00:10Well, that's the wolf.

01:00:11That's my new wolf.

01:00:12Oh, yeah, that's the dark blue.

01:00:13I do use the dark blue.

01:00:14It's a smart-looking car.

01:00:15It really is.

01:00:16And this is my one.

01:00:17Have you got this?

01:00:18Big Night Special.

01:00:20Oh, that's super.

01:00:21OK, then.

01:00:22We'll have another ready, steady, go.

01:00:23All right, then.

01:00:24Ready, steady, go.

01:00:26Come on, James.

01:00:32Come on, James.

01:00:34Get his drumming ready.

01:00:40Take money for our rope.

01:00:41Get out.

01:00:41Come on, wait.

01:00:46All right, come on.

01:00:46Hey, come on, boy.

01:00:48Come on, lad.

01:00:50Hey, there.

01:00:52Come on.

01:00:52Oh, hang on.

01:00:53I'm having a shunt here.

01:00:53All right, then.

01:00:54I screwed it.

01:00:54OK.

01:00:55Here we are, then.

01:00:56Any time?

01:00:57Like, no.

01:00:57OK.

01:00:59Ha-ha!

01:01:02Come on, lad.

01:01:03Come on, lad.

01:01:06Come on, lad.

01:01:10Oh, it's coming.

01:01:15You're not going to Welsh on the bet, are you?

01:01:18What?

01:01:19You're not going to Welsh on the bet.

01:01:21You're going to play the trumpet.

01:01:22No, I'm not.

01:01:23Can we have the trumpet, please?

01:01:24There we are.

01:01:24You've got to be a better driver.

01:01:25Yeah, damn for goodness sake.

01:01:26Look at that.

01:01:27Loving bit of trumpet.

01:01:32All right, then.

01:01:34You're going to play the trumpet.

01:01:35How about that?

01:01:35You're going to play the trumpet.

01:01:39The Saints.

01:01:40You do know it.

01:01:41I've heard you know it.

01:01:42All right, then.

01:01:42So go on.

01:01:43Away you go.

01:01:43You're going to be a bit different.

01:02:06You're going to play it.

01:02:08You're going to play it.

01:06:34Thank you for being with us.

01:06:35Before we start, you know, have you ever done a chat show before?

01:06:38Um, well, I don't think so. I might have done one a few years ago, but I can't remember.

01:06:43I can't remember. You're not going to be in those moods, one of those moods, can't remember, otherwise I'll give you a smack before we start.

01:06:50Now, darling, now, I'd like you to know, first of all, these are the same goblets that we use for Sammy Davis Jr.

01:06:56They have been washed.

01:06:59I have to do the lot here.

01:07:02But, you know, you can have the choice of lemonade in this decanter or cherry-aid.

01:07:06Oh, I thought that was gin.

01:07:08Gin?

01:07:09You little devil.

01:07:10I like gin.

01:07:11What do you want, lemonade or cherry-aid?

01:07:13Lemonade.

01:07:14Lemonade, a little drop of lemonade.

01:07:15Yes.

01:07:15And would you like some ice cream with that?

01:07:16Yes, I love some.

01:07:17What?

01:07:17Because you want to keep you happy.

01:07:18Ice cream and lemonade?

01:07:19Yes, haven't you ever had that?

01:07:21No.

01:07:21An ice cream soda.

01:07:22Would you like to try it?

01:07:23Yeah.

01:07:24See, you're funny, little Mike, there's so many kiddy things you haven't tried, and there's other things, grown-up things, we'll get to that in a minute.

01:07:29All right, then?

01:07:32One scoop or two?

01:07:33Um, one scoop.

01:07:34One scoop is enough.

01:07:35All right, then.

01:07:35Straw?

01:07:36Yes.

01:07:37There we go, you can have a sip of that.

01:07:39And, um, some chocolates here to keep you happy.

01:07:42Oh, yeah, I'll have a chocolate.

01:07:43All right, then, one try.

01:07:44We heard you like chocolates.

01:07:46All right, then.

01:07:47And save the coffee creams for me.

01:07:48All right, then.

01:07:49All right, then.

01:07:50Well, now let's get down to business.

01:07:51First of all...

01:07:53Oh, she's relaxed now, isn't she?

01:07:56You haven't seen her like this before.

01:07:58First of all, how old are you?

01:08:00Because, I mean, people all...

01:08:01Um...

01:08:02I'm 15 now.

01:08:06You're 15?

01:08:07Really?

01:08:08You haven't grown very...

01:08:09Because when we last...

01:08:10You haven't grown very much in the last two years, have you?

01:08:12No, I haven't, actually.

01:08:13Um, last three years.

01:08:15Last three years.

01:08:15Is it three years we did that show together?

01:08:18Um...

01:08:18Is it?

01:08:19I think it is.

01:08:20I was asking you.

01:08:22Oh, sorry.

01:08:23But there we are.

01:08:23So you're 15 years of age...

01:08:26Yes.

01:08:26And I'm 50?

01:08:28Yes.

01:08:28You don't look it.

01:08:30What, dear?

01:08:31You don't look it.

01:08:32Thank you, love.

01:08:33You can stay.

01:08:33Have another chocolate.

01:08:34All right.

01:08:35But, you know, between us is 65 years.

01:08:38If we do a good show tonight, we could retire.

01:08:41Well, you mean I could.

01:08:43Anyway, where were you born, my darling?

01:08:45I was born on the Isle of Butte.

01:08:47In Rothesay, it's called.

01:08:49On the Isle of Butte?

01:08:50Yeah, with my mum and dad.

01:08:51Yes.

01:08:51Well, I knew your mum and dad.

01:08:53I thought your mother would be there, dear.

01:08:57They usually are at the birth.

01:09:00Sometimes you can't find dad, but that's another story.

01:09:05Now, let's get back to where you were born.

01:09:07I mean, that's where you grew up, in Rothesay, was it?

01:09:09Yes, I grew up in Rothesay.

01:09:11And then I came to London when I was about nine.

01:09:14Yes, yes.

01:09:15And, you know, started from there.

01:09:18Sort of everything started.

01:09:19Now, look, is it true?

01:09:20Because I heard that you used to give your friends sweets.

01:09:23That's true.

01:09:24To make them watch your shows that you did in the streets.

01:09:27Yeah.

01:09:27I mean, you'd say, oh, I'm going to do a show in the street.

01:09:30And then you'd give all your friends sweets so that they'd turn up.

01:09:35Embarrassing.

01:09:35But I think that's marvellous.

01:09:38Did you really do that?

01:09:39Yes, yeah.

01:09:39Well, you see, the thing was, my sister and I used to buy sweets from the ice cream van.

01:09:45Yes.

01:09:46And buy, you know, sort of penny worth of sweets, big bags of them.

01:09:49Used to say to the kids, you come to see our show because we've got bags of sweets, you see.

01:09:54Yeah.

01:09:54Yeah, yeah, they used to say.

01:09:55They used to come and sit in the steps, take the sweets and go.

01:09:58Oh, and how long were the shows?

01:10:02Oh, well, they only lasted two minutes because the sweets only lasted two minutes.

01:10:05Oh, well, you should have got some of those everlasting mints.

01:10:07Yeah.

01:10:08Shouldn't you?

01:10:09That would have been better.

01:10:10But, you know, when I was a kid, I used to do that.

01:10:12I mean, when I was only, what, 12 years of age, I used to have a dancing school.

01:10:16It was one of my dad's garages.

01:10:18Yeah.

01:10:18You know, because he had about 30 lock-up garages, my old dad, because he was in the garage business.

01:10:23And I converted one of the garages into a studio, you know.

01:10:27Did you?

01:10:27With just a tap mat and a gramophone that you wound up like that before your time and all that.

01:10:32And I used to charge, I used to charge them.

01:10:35Charge them?

01:10:36Yeah, I used to charge them a shill in a lesson.

01:10:37Oh, I didn't charge them.

01:10:38No, it's funny you being Scottish as well.

01:10:40Now, what about the, you've met a lot of big stars.

01:10:43I mean, you were a very big hit in America when you went over there.

01:10:45They all loved you and all that sort of thing.

01:10:47How many big stars did you meet?

01:10:49Can you tell us some of the people you met?

01:10:50Oh, dear.

01:10:50Well, I went over there when I was about nine or ten.

01:10:54Yes.

01:10:54But, um, I met Frank Sinatra.

01:10:58Did you?

01:10:59Yes.

01:10:59What did Frank Sinatra say to you?

01:11:00Oh, well, I didn't know who, I, it's terrible, but I really didn't know who he was.

01:11:05I really, honestly.

01:11:06You didn't know who he was, Frank Sinatra?

01:11:08Honestly, I know it's terrible, but I didn't really sort of watch all of these films, you

01:11:14see.

01:11:14And you're of Italian distraction.

01:11:15I know.

01:11:16And so is Frank.

01:11:18Yeah.

01:11:18I mean, he could be your godfather.

01:11:19I know.

01:11:21That could have been nasty, dear.

01:11:23I didn't really know what was all going on, because I'd never, I'd never really watched

01:11:28the films and that, and taken up all the names.

01:11:30Exactly.

01:11:31To meet everybody and to remember everybody is a lot, let's face it.

01:11:34When I realised that I'd done that, I was so shocked.

01:11:38Oh, I see.

01:11:39And I hear you're a great fan of Lucille Ball, is that right?

01:11:42Oh, yeah.

01:11:42Oh, she was nice.

01:11:44She came up with this.

01:11:44Oh, you met her?

01:11:45Yes.

01:11:46Oh, you met her.

01:11:46She's a marvellous lady.

01:11:48Oh, yeah.

01:11:48She had all this carrot hair.

01:11:51Oh, that's right.

01:11:51She's always had carrot hair.

01:11:52Yeah.

01:11:53Well, it's sort of, you know, like a candy.

01:11:55Were they real carrots?

01:11:56Yeah.

01:11:56Oh, no, no.

01:11:57It was just...

01:11:58What?

01:11:59I was just saying, oh, no.

01:12:00I was only kidding.

01:12:01It was a joke.

01:12:03Oh, I don't think I'll have a coffee cream.

01:12:07It was powerful.

01:12:08Yeah.

01:12:09Tell me all about Lucille Ball, then.

01:12:12Um, well, she just came up and she said, hello, sweetie.

01:12:15She said, it was really nice to meet you.

01:12:17I enjoyed what you just did.

01:12:19Because I did a sort of a song thing on a big...

01:12:23It was a big show called The Cher Show.

01:12:25Oh, yeah, The Cher Show.

01:12:26Yeah.

01:12:26You're like Sally and Cher.

01:12:27The Cher Show.

01:12:28Yeah.

01:12:29Um, no, it was...

01:12:30LAUGHTER

01:12:30No, but I mean, it was when Sally and Cher split up.

01:12:35Oh, no, no.

01:12:36I don't think it was anything to do with that.

01:12:38It was just called The Cher Show because, um...

01:12:40LAUGHTER

01:12:41What was Cher Show?

01:12:42Because they couldn't think of another name for it.

01:12:44No, that's...

01:12:45LAUGHTER

01:12:47I'm just trying to lead you into the conversation.

01:12:50I'm sorry, Leena, yes.

01:12:51Yes.

01:12:52Like another dob of ice cream.

01:12:53LAUGHTER

01:12:54Sideways.

01:12:56LAUGHTER

01:12:57Tell me about The Cher Show.

01:13:00Yes, go on.

01:13:01Yes.

01:13:01The Cher Show, you see.

01:13:03The Cher Show.

01:13:03Yes.

01:13:04I did a sort of song.

01:13:06Yes.

01:13:06And, um...

01:13:08I did it on my own and she...

01:13:09Oh, you didn't share it with anybody?

01:13:10No, no.

01:13:10LAUGHTER

01:13:11I went through the thing.

01:13:13Somebody else came on and that's why they called it The Cher Show, you see.

01:13:16Sing a song without somebody else.

01:13:18Yes, go on.

01:13:19I made her laugh.

01:13:21Look, she's really laughing.

01:13:22Why is it the kids are the only ones who love me?

01:13:24Go on.

01:13:24LAUGHTER

01:13:25Come on, dear.

01:13:27Well, she'd seen me doing this song and...

01:13:31dance thing.

01:13:32Yeah.

01:13:32And she came up and she just said, you know,

01:13:35you're really great, sweetie.

01:13:36And, um...

01:13:37You know, she's very nice.

01:13:39Yeah, she's a very, very nice lady.

01:13:40Yeah, she's a super...

01:13:41Very, very nice lady.

01:13:42That's lovely.

01:13:43Well, now, but, you know, do you think...

01:13:44I mean, you love people like that.

01:13:46Do you think that as your career goes on,

01:13:48you will develop the comedy side of that kind of thing?

01:13:51Are you interested in comedy?

01:13:52Well, um...

01:13:54I like...

01:13:54Sometimes I like doing comedy things,

01:13:57but, you know, I do it at home sometimes.

01:14:00Yes.

01:14:00Now, you do a lot of things at home, like, for instance,

01:14:03your impressions, that I heard about.

01:14:04Only today I heard that you do do some impressions

01:14:07and I've never seen you do any.

01:14:08So, who do you do?

01:14:10What people do you do?

01:14:12Um, well, I can do, um...

01:14:14I think I can do Judy Garland.

01:14:16Well, only...

01:14:17Judy Garland?

01:14:17Only a little bit.

01:14:18What do you do?

01:14:18Just a little bit of Judy.

01:14:19You know, we don't need any music.

01:14:20Can I just put this...

01:14:21Yes, because...

01:14:22Look at what you've done to the straw.

01:14:24Look.

01:14:25What a mess you are with that.

01:14:27For goodness sake, you don't deserve...

01:14:28Oh, there's another smack.

01:14:30Cut down all the chocolates.

01:14:32Now, go on, Judy Garland.

01:14:33Um, right, hang on.

01:14:34Somewhere over the rainbow

01:14:41Bluebirds fly

01:14:45If birds fly over the rainbow

01:14:51Why, then oh, why can't I?

01:14:55You get that lovely quiver in the voice.

01:15:06That's beautiful.

01:15:07I've never seen you do it before.

01:15:09Who else do you do?

01:15:10Well, I've tried to do Lulu.

01:15:13Lulu?

01:15:13Yeah, I can only go...

01:15:14Where?

01:15:15Where?

01:15:21Where?

01:15:23I love that.

01:15:24Yeah, anybody else?

01:15:25Um, um, Mae West.

01:15:27Mae West?

01:15:28Do you want to stand up for this one?

01:15:29Um, hang on.

01:15:30Yeah, stand up for this one.

01:15:31Yeah, Mae West.

01:15:32It's not the boys in my life.

01:15:34It's the life of my boys.

01:15:36Oh, so you've been going round with life boys, have you?

01:15:48Life, not boy scouts.

01:15:49Like, what's all this?

01:15:50What's all that?

01:15:52Anybody else should do?

01:15:53That was marvellous.

01:15:54Who else?

01:15:55Well, I've tried doing Barbara Streisand.

01:15:57Barbara?

01:15:57No, I adore her.

01:15:58I'm not sure.

01:15:59No, but just have a go.

01:16:01Yes, get in the mood for it.

01:16:02All right, then.

01:16:03Well, hello, Brucey.

01:16:09Well, hello, Brucey.

01:16:11It's so nice to have you black where you belong.

01:16:20Oh, I love the look.

01:16:22You get the look with her.

01:16:24You get the look with her.

01:16:26That is beautiful.

01:16:27Anybody else?

01:16:29Oh, I'll tell you.

01:16:30Oh, oh, oh.

01:16:30Who, who's this?

01:16:33I'll tell you who I love doing.

01:16:35Who's that?

01:16:35Yeah, silly boy, Brucey.

01:16:40She knows.

01:16:41Oh, she knows you know.

01:16:42Oh, you know, you know.

01:16:44You know, you know.

01:16:45She knows, you know.

01:16:47She knows.

01:16:48You're the one that I want.

01:16:52And you did an impression of me, didn't you, in the show we did?

01:16:55Do you remember?

01:16:55Well, I think that's marvellous.

01:17:10Now, I think, I think...

01:17:12Can we have a game of draughts now?

01:17:14What?

01:17:14Can we have a game of draughts?

01:17:15Look, we'll have a game of draughts if we've got time later on.

01:17:17All day long, I've said, we'll have a game of draughts if there's time.

01:17:21Now, for goodness sake, child.

01:17:23For goodness sake.

01:17:24Let your uncle get a few laughs.

01:17:27But it's been lovely to talk to you like this.

01:17:30It really has.

01:17:31You know.

01:17:32And when I first...

01:17:33I'll tell you something very honestly now.

01:17:34The first time I was going to do this Tim show, and I said, we can get Lena Zavaroni.

01:17:40And I said, I didn't know Lena.

01:17:41I said, oh, yeah.

01:17:42I said, what's she like?

01:17:42What's she like?

01:17:44And you do expect, when you see somebody full of confidence, you expect to be a bit precocious.

01:17:50Believe me, you know, although you see her on the stage singing and doing well, they're

01:17:55going to embarrass her now, but she really...

01:17:57No, you really do have a...

01:17:58She's really a very nice young lady.

01:18:01And I mean that.

01:18:02Lovely.

01:18:04You know how she's told you.

01:18:07Will you do a little number with me?

01:18:09Oh, I'd love to.

01:18:09Just to finish it all off?

01:18:10Yeah.

01:18:10And then afterwards, if it's time, you know.

01:18:12We'll pay you after.

01:18:13All right then.

01:18:14Thank you, Alan.

01:18:14We'll do the number.

01:18:21Something extra when we touch.

01:18:25Something I like extra much.

01:18:28Something wicked that you do to me.

01:18:33Something extra in that smile.

01:18:36Something that sticks out a mile.

01:18:39Something extra jolts the boats.

01:18:42Through me.

01:18:43Through me.

01:18:44Through me.

01:18:45Through me.

01:18:45Thought I knew that I'll play the game before.

01:18:47For a little miss, she's got so much more.

01:18:50You were something great.

01:18:51You were something great that the wind of me blew me.

01:18:56Something extra in that smile.

01:18:57Something extra in that face blows my mind right into space.

01:19:02It's that something extra that you do.

01:19:06Oh, something extra when we touch.

01:19:07Oh, something extra when we touch.

01:19:11Oh, something I like extra much.

01:19:14Something wicked that you do to me.

01:19:19Something extra in that smile.

01:19:20Something extra in that smile.

01:19:22Oh, Lena.

01:19:23It sticks out a mile.

01:19:25Something extra in that smile.

01:19:26Something extra jolts the boat.

01:19:27Something extra jolts the boat through me.

01:19:30Oh, my gosh.

01:19:31I'm sorry.

01:19:32It's that.

01:19:33Oh, my gosh.

01:19:34You're a little miss, you've got so much more.

01:19:35You were something great that the winds of fate blew me.

01:19:37Oh, my gosh.

01:19:38I'm sorry.

01:19:39I'm sorry.

01:19:40Oh, my gosh.

01:19:41Something extra in that face

01:19:45Blows my mind right into space

01:19:48Something in you moves now

01:19:51So I was half but now I'm whole

01:19:54It's that something extra that you do

01:19:58Something in you moves now

01:20:02Yeah, I was half but now I'm whole

01:20:05It's that something extra that you do

01:20:10I hope we've helped to make your Saturday

01:20:33A fun and time just doesn't matter day

01:20:40Tomorrow never ever comes

01:20:46At least that's what they say

01:20:50I hope they're wrong

01:20:53And it's not too long

01:20:56Before I spend

01:20:59Another Saturday

01:21:02With you

01:21:09Good night, everybody

01:21:11Good night, everybody

01:21:12All right, let's play it down

01:21:14Let's play it down

01:21:15Good night, everybody

01:21:16Good night, everybody

01:21:17Good night, everybody

01:21:21Good night, everybody

01:21:22Good night, everybody

01:21:23Good night, everybody

01:21:27Good night, everybody

01:21:28Good night, everybody

01:21:29Good night, everybody

01:21:33Good night, everybody

01:21:48Good night, everybody

01:21:49Good night, everybody

01:21:51Copa, Copacabana, Copacabana

01:22:02Music in passion, always in passion

01:22:13At the Copa, Copacabana, the hottest spot north of Habana

01:22:21Here at the Copa, Copacabana

01:22:25Music in passion, always in passion at the Copa

01:22:31Copa, Copacabana, Copacabana, Copacabana, Copacabana

Bruce Forsyth's Big Night (1978) S01E08 - Lena Zavaroni, James Hunt, Tessa Wyatt, Martin Shaw

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