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00:00:00Yes, it's Bruce Forsythe's Big Night.
00:00:30Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce Forsythe.
00:00:47How kind!
00:00:48Oh!
00:00:49Thank you very much, Edith.
00:00:51It's nice to see you, to see you.
00:00:53Nice!
00:00:54It could be a very...
00:00:56Big night!
00:00:57When?
00:00:58Big night!
00:00:59Do you know, it's so lovely to be with you at six o'clock.
00:01:02I feel younger already.
00:01:04Lewis Collins, eat your heart out.
00:01:06And thank you for all your good wishes about last week's show.
00:01:09Wasn't that Sammy Davis marvellous?
00:01:11Wasn't it?
00:01:12Oh, my goodness.
00:01:13Oh, and you know, those diamond rings on his fingers.
00:01:16Oh, he's got more carrots than Smedley's.
00:01:23I don't know where you are.
00:01:26You may be near or far.
00:01:28Well, let's get the network together.
00:01:30It's Saturday night and have we got a show for you tonight.
00:01:33First of all, there's question time.
00:01:35And I hope you've rehearsed all your questions up there,
00:01:38because I haven't rehearsed my answers.
00:01:40In fact, I can't wait to hear what I'm going to say.
00:01:43And then we have a professional goalkeeper and a celebrity goalkeeper
00:01:47to play Beat the Goalie.
00:01:50Well, the goalposts are there and there must be a ball kicking about somewhere.
00:01:55And then we'll be meeting out our Jokers of the Week.
00:01:58Oh, well, there's the bar.
00:02:01They probably popped over to the pub for a drink.
00:02:04Oh, and by the way, the winner of the Jokers will be doing an exciting screen test
00:02:08with that beautiful actress.
00:02:11Oh, you just missed that.
00:02:14Oh, that's a shame, isn't it?
00:02:15But, oh, my special guest star tonight is Demis Roussos.
00:02:19Demis Roussos, he isn't actually in the studio, but he is outside.
00:02:28You see, we've got to knock a wall down to get him in.
00:02:31So when he gets in here, I can promise you a very big night.
00:02:35Yes.
00:02:37It's the big night in on ITV
00:02:40Can't see you but you can see me on the network
00:02:44Every Saturday night
00:02:48Got the whole of the network together tonight
00:02:58You're very kind.
00:03:00Well, now, as I said, we've got question time.
00:03:03So if you have a question, put the lights up now
00:03:05and please don't speak until the microphone gets right up to you.
00:03:09Yes, the lady down there in the glasses there and the sort of,
00:03:12Yes, in the front row there.
00:03:14Can you remember what happened on your first date with a girl?
00:03:22How did she get in here?
00:03:25Where are you from, madam?
00:03:26Michigan.
00:03:27Michigan.
00:03:28Oh, that's Ohio, is it?
00:03:31Next to it.
00:03:32Next to it, but it's near there.
00:03:33It wasn't far out.
00:03:34Mind you, it's a big country.
00:03:35What are you doing over here?
00:03:36I'm an exchange student for a year.
00:03:38Oh, you're an exchange student.
00:03:40And who is that next to you?
00:03:41Uh, my history master.
00:03:47Pull the other one.
00:03:50Your history master.
00:03:51Oh, yes, fine, Johnny Good.
00:03:56I can't wait for them to go to school on Monday.
00:03:58Well, I can't, but my first, I can't even remember my first date.
00:04:07But, uh, you know, sort of, I'm more interested in you two.
00:04:11And you're only over, how long through the year are you?
00:04:16Uh, just for three terms.
00:04:17Three terms.
00:04:18Three terms?
00:04:19How long is three terms?
00:04:20One year.
00:04:21One year.
00:04:22I see fine.
00:04:23And how old are you?
00:04:24Eighteen.
00:04:25Eight?
00:04:26Oh, oh, oh.
00:04:28How old's he?
00:04:30You don't know?
00:04:33He's swerving down.
00:04:34Now, let's try over this side.
00:04:37You, the lady out there with the pink scarf on.
00:04:39Yes?
00:04:40Have you got anything?
00:04:41I mean...
00:04:42Uh, yes, Bruce, I'd like to ask you.
00:04:44I've worked for 23 years with my husband,
00:04:46and I know that you work very closely with your wife.
00:04:49Do you have any problems?
00:04:53What do you mean about getting up to go to work, or...?
00:04:55No, just working together.
00:04:57No, not really at all.
00:04:58Because, you see, Anthea and I met doing the Generation Games,
00:05:01so, sort of, it was because we met doing that,
00:05:04that we treat it as a job.
00:05:07So, when we're here, when we're in a studio,
00:05:09we never think of ourselves as being husband and wife at all.
00:05:12Just two people.
00:05:13We're just two people.
00:05:14We're just two people.
00:05:15Do you do it the same way?
00:05:16No, I have a problem.
00:05:17My husband...
00:05:18Oh, right, I thought you had.
00:05:20I think you've got more than a problem, dear.
00:05:23My husband bakes the dough all night,
00:05:25and I sell it as bread all day.
00:05:26Are you bakers?
00:05:27We're bakers.
00:05:28Oh, my God.
00:05:37Fine, anybody else got a question?
00:05:38I'm a trainee physiotherapist at Guy's Hospital.
00:05:41Oh, yes?
00:05:42And I wanted to know whether you ever go for a massage,
00:05:45and if so, whether you find it beneficial or not.
00:05:52Well, I'd find it very beneficial at the moment from you,
00:05:55I tell you that.
00:05:56Isn't she lovely?
00:05:57You want to see the fellow that massages me?
00:05:58He's got a beard down here.
00:06:00But I do.
00:06:01I'm a great believer in massage.
00:06:03I think it's the most natural thing that one should have, actually,
00:06:09because it does so much good, particularly in our job.
00:06:12I discovered last year, for instance, I was getting this terrible tension in the back of the neck.
00:06:17Why are you laughing?
00:06:19I've only done the arms so far.
00:06:21Just my luck.
00:06:22Just what I thought I'd scored there.
00:06:23I really do.
00:06:24I thought, all right, then.
00:06:25Well, we'll start with the arms, dear.
00:06:26You're a trainee?
00:06:27I'm a trainee, yeah.
00:06:28And they start you just on the arms?
00:06:29Well, we're only on the arm at the moment, too.
00:06:30Only on the arm at the moment.
00:06:31And how old are you?
00:06:3218.
00:06:33Oh, dear God.
00:06:34Get back.
00:06:35Get back in your baskets.
00:06:36You won't get far as the little finger with that one.
00:06:51And where do you go from the arms, dear?
00:06:55I think we work down the legs, actually.
00:06:57Oh, talk slower.
00:06:59Yes.
00:07:01lower yes and then where do we go to um up the back oh yes yes do you do
00:07:12down boys I'm gonna stop your bonio well good luck and I believe you as a
00:07:20party of physiotherapists here yes I've got three of my friends with me well
00:07:24that's marvelous and I think it's a lovely and I think if people are always
00:07:26gonna need massage it's the it's the oldest medicine in the world and the
00:07:30best so thank you for answering that asking that question lovely anybody
00:07:34you my love I was just wondering if you've ever had singing lessons if not
00:07:38why not right before you were wondering have you made up your own mind at all
00:07:51no no you haven't now I've never had a singing lesson what actually you're not
00:07:56bad I wish you could mark me later on but there we are no I I haven't had a
00:08:06singing lesson in my life I had a few piano lessons when I was young and a few
00:08:11piano accordion lessons and I even had lessons for the Hawaiian guitar but I've
00:08:15never ever had singing lessons it isn't a thing that's the be and end all of my
00:08:21career and I think you've set it back even another ten years
00:08:26thank you very much again well now that's certainly got us off on the right
00:08:32foot but here's an even better right foot it belongs of course to our bionic
00:08:37striker and that means it's time once again to play beat the goalie there we
00:08:42are there's the ball going in the bionic striker it's sort of raised there and it's
00:08:46right his back there we are and straight and it does come out of quite a lick all right then
00:08:49okay well now let's meet our star goalkeeper on loan to us this week we're in
00:08:55the very very capable hands of Norwich City's Kevin Keeler
00:08:59thank you very much for being with us and I always ask this question because I
00:09:11think it's what every football fan wants to know
00:09:14what was your best game what you think was your best game and the most exciting
00:09:17game for you personally a very difficult question really but I possibly one that
00:09:23stands out in my mind more than any other there's one against Manchester United in
00:09:26the semi-finals the Football League Cup ah yes yes we reached the final you
00:09:30reached the fire yeah well that must have been a marvelous time thank you very
00:09:33much give our love to all the lads and the manager and everybody up and down in the
00:09:37whole lot and if you'll just repeat to your goal over there we'll get on with the
00:09:41game all right then we'll now thank you
00:09:45well now as I've mentioned over the weeks you know as a result of a competition in
00:09:53the TV times you know we had so many winners we now have to draw out the hat
00:09:57each week to find our young people are going to play beat the goalie we have
00:10:01this week three young ladies and one gentleman I'll just see if anyone's on the
00:10:05line and I'll just see who's there hello anybody there hello who's that
00:10:11Karen Sadler hello Karen how are you all right and how old are you 15 I see and
00:10:16where you from Oh Berkhamstead oh yes lovely and have you always lived there
00:10:21no moved around a bit oh yeah what were you born where were you born I was born
00:10:25Cockney oh Cockney oh I see fine have you got any hobbies at all Karen well I like
00:10:29riding oh riding oh so you're not only a Sadler by name you're a Sadler by nature
00:10:35what's your favorite football team oh yeah lots of people love Liverpool have
00:10:40you always been a Liverpool supporter not always just put Manchester United oh but
00:10:44what happened there well just gave them up they're worth about five million quid and
00:10:49you gave them up there we are all right Karen now you know the rules you've been
00:10:53watching the show have you yes good girl okay well Kevin's already there so you
00:10:57just say to the left or to the right up a bit and all that kind of thing but
00:11:00don't forget this is against the clock let me remind you that because you're
00:11:03first off so it's very very important against the clock beat the goalie
00:11:07starting from now right oh shoot oh oh you just hit the top of the up right
00:11:16there bad luck Karen sorry to lose you my darling but there you know hope to see
00:11:20you again soon okay you know what again soon what am I talking about right who
00:11:24have we got on the line now Joe manual hello Joe manual yeah I see hello Joe
00:11:28hello you all right yes thank you how old are you 16 16 where'd you live
00:11:33um Barry Stedman yes fine and when were you born April the first oh before 12 o'clock
00:11:39or after before oh what a shame what a thing to live with as it held you back a
00:11:44bit not too bad not bad where'd you go to school um St Benedict I see yes an upper
00:11:50school or a lower school up a school yeah any brothers and sisters yeah I have
00:11:53one brother oh yes he's 22 22 I have three sisters oh yeah how are three sisters as
00:11:59well so there's five of you all together yeah so your brother is 22 how old your
00:12:03sisters um one's 21 that's and 22 20 yeah 21 Maria's 19 19 yeah yeah Francis is 18 18
00:12:11yeah right and you're and you're 16 yeah cool what's your dad do well he's retired he should do as
00:12:19well he's retired come on what what what did he used to do well he's in the Air Force he was a
00:12:25wing commander yeah well you're a wing commander yeah your mother should have clipped his wings a long
00:12:29time ago what a devil he is all right then any ambitions at all Joe um I wouldn't mind playing
00:12:35for Spurs Spurs oh yeah well that's my team you know that's where I was born there with the boundary
00:12:40there in Edmonton so it's my team why would you like to play for Spurs I'd like to keep them in the
00:12:45first division if I could why don't you write the letter I'll sign it all right then now tell me you
00:12:53know the rules yes it's against the clock and goal hasn't been scored now so you're the first off
00:12:58in a sense so off you go starting from now right fire oh yes yes Kevin got hold of it but then it
00:13:08hit the crossbar and then went in so you are 412 there 4.12 so stay on the line okay okay who have
00:13:16we got now Rosanna Harper Rosanna Harper hello Rosanna a lovely name that is and how old are you 16 16
00:13:23away from Basingstoke Basingstoke lovely and what school did you go to John Hunt of Everest John Hunt
00:13:29of Everest yeah oh it was named after him was it yes oh is that a comprehensive school yes oh I see
00:13:34fine and how's your dad he's all right and what does he do he works for insurance broker oh so it's a
00:13:40fully comprehensive school I see and is it right your dad served in the army yes he did and I also heard
00:13:49that he was he was a bit of a tap dancer yes that's right where did he where did he do his tap dancing
00:13:54for the nuns for the hands fancy tap dancing for the Germans what whose side was he on the English
00:14:01well who did he tap dance for the nuns oh the nuns I thought you said the hands I see tap dancing for the
00:14:08hands the nuns rather what about your mother what's your mother's name Antonietta oh that sounds very
00:14:16continental what Italian oh is she is where she is was she born in Italy yes oh I see whereabouts
00:14:22Rosetta Felberto in Foggia oh yeah I had that for dinner last night tell me do you know do you know
00:14:30a little Italian not all that much oh I see you I was gonna say what's his name still you killed the
00:14:40jokes don't do you know the rules yes so there's Kevin you've got 412 to beat starting from now right
00:14:47up shoot oh well saved Kevin well saved bad luck Rosanna give my love to the family yes and Joe's
00:14:56still in the lead and now who have I got on the line now Wendy Peacock and Wendy what cock
00:15:01Wendy Peacock oh what a shame darling how long have you been a peacock all my life all your life
00:15:09what a shame 14 years of age but is that what you are 14 yeah I think somebody told me earlier on yes
00:15:15well darling whatever never mind you know when you find a nice fella and you and you you get married
00:15:19you know you'll be able to change the name won't you yes but don't meet a Charlie Woodcock for goodness
00:15:23sake all right now where do you live dear Stainford Stainford Stainford oh near Doncaster oh yes lovely
00:15:29where were you born Zambia where Zambia oh yeah that's the other side of Scarborough isn't it
00:15:34I know it quite well yes what school do you go to Hapfield High School Hapfield Wendy Peacock
00:15:40it is a shame anyway how's your dad all right yeah and what does he do he's a policeman
00:15:47oh hello good evening Constable Peacock I'm just saying what a lovely name what a nice child
00:15:58we'll go now if you like I'll put the sorry about that once you tell me your dad was a copper right
00:16:02what's his name dear Bob oh we Bobby you mean Bobby yeah sorry Mr. Peacock just I mean Constable
00:16:11yes quite a bit what does your mum do change the subject quick yeah sells ice cream she sells ice
00:16:15ice cream does she really does she do it for the lolly no don't really I see well where does she sell
00:16:22the ice cream over the phone over the phone that's a bit messy isn't it well if she sells a raspberry
00:16:30ripple does she have to wait for the pips did you hear that Wendy yes they love us kid get down here
00:16:44quick you better get to play the game don't you darling all right Wendy Peacock good luck to you
00:16:51dear you've only got one goal has been scored that's at 412 you got that to beat you know the rules
00:16:56don't you my love yeah okay off you go then good luck starting from now right shoot oh bad luck Wendy
00:17:06my darling bad luck my dear and I think it'll be Joe Manuel yes the boys are hitting back because
00:17:12we've had a lot of a young lady winners so Joey you're there yes all right then you've already won
00:17:1750 quid okay that's not bad is it no it's not better than working so we'll see you here next week and
00:17:23you'll be playing against the celebrity goalkeeper okay all right bye-bye Joe and thank you all our
00:17:28contestants and beat the goalie lovely well done thank you very much and of course our thanks once
00:17:38again in goal Mr Kevin Keelan thank you Kevin well done some very good saves there and they all went to
00:17:46the right funny everybody went to the right they didn't test him on the left but there we are
00:17:50well now ladies and gentlemen before we meet our winner of last week we welcome someone I know you
00:17:55enjoy every week with mind your language yes I'll say no more it's the man who tries to control
00:18:01that unruly bunch mr. Barry Evans yes is it really oh it is it is him for goodness sake well we said
00:18:14wear what you like but then what's all this well I came with my costume what far beat the goldfish
00:18:20now would you like to meet the uh the young gentleman you're going to play against
00:18:28if you just come over here and how many more in the series have we got to go we've got two more to
00:18:33go two more to go it's a lovely series I love it it's a lot of fun and we had France once
00:18:36Pascal with us last week okay well now let's meet without any more ado our winner of last week it is
00:18:41Roger Hinden there we are we want a good clean fight you know that don't you all right then do
00:18:55what you like you can kick it with your flipper if you like uh stick one of those if you want to as
00:18:59well but I'd like you to wish each other luck he's got to get two past you out of three balls
00:19:03to get on the bashometer they're a major prize so you know be good but don't be that good
00:19:08all right then so if you're going to get get your flippers down there and get to the goal
00:19:12Denny will help you she's been waiting all day for that right okay if you'll come over here
00:19:17what's your favorite meal anyway oh lamb chops oh do you have them for din din hindi
00:19:21there we are all right then away you go all right then starting from starting from now
00:19:33oh
00:19:39oh in off the side it was very good just off the side of the crossbar there okay then
00:19:45let them center it up again if you will off you go then okay starting from now
00:19:51i was so busy i was so busy looking at him doing all that we're now on the bashometer tonight we
00:20:12have all right then a tv game you know the bing bong bing bong bing bong a guitar an acoustic guitar
00:20:17a telescope some encyclopedias a watch with lots of gadgets on it a really first-class camera a
00:20:24cassette you know radio and cassette and all that a cine kit the whole bit with that a stereo and a
00:20:29television that is a portable color television what would you like to win a stereo the stereo
00:20:33that's what you're going to go for okay then well that's quite heavy but i mean as you're a lad i uh
00:20:38i usually help the girls but i'm not going to help you but have a good bash you have to go give it
00:20:42quite a bash to get to the stereo all right then
00:20:48well done thank you so much for bringing that on for how about that being printed by
00:21:04barry evans and now here's your 50 quid from kevin what a nice
00:21:08what a nice congratulations
00:21:11good luck to the family thank you all very barry
00:21:14and that was a thing and good luck to the rest of the team
00:21:17it's time for our jokers of the week yes we've asked chaps from all over the country to come
00:21:43along and tell us their favorite joke you've got the hang of it now and i think we've got one
00:21:47waiting i think amphia's got her breath back just about so let's meet our first joker
00:21:52hello
00:21:52how are you
00:21:56nice to be nice to meet you
00:21:58and uh this is hard malik malik yes he's 31 and lives in gans hill oh gans hill yes i know a little
00:22:07bit yes yes yes wendy his wife used to be an ambulance driver and was presented to the queen for
00:22:11bravery oh really oh she's into oh lovely that sounds she sounds very nice your wife and she
00:22:16was presented the queen yeah what did she give her back trying but she sounds of love give her our
00:22:21love will you fine uh he proposed to his wife on an underground going to stockwell yeah must have
00:22:27been a deep love yes yes yes he has a little boy called michael russell oh lovely michael russell how
00:22:37clever not to call him jack he could have led a dog's life i see how old is he for uh six months uh
00:22:47three months would you like to rehearse this bit would you like to do a dance with lionel and then
00:22:55come on again come on bye nice no how old is he seriously we know you're a bit nervous and all
00:23:02about 15 weeks it's only 15 weeks oh bless his heart we have camera three could we have camera
00:23:07three uh little michael uh daddy's gonna tell a joke in a minute were you waving to they're not even on
00:23:13you should we have one for uh for howard as well can i get in on it but that's it there wave wave
00:23:19wave to little michael in there okay michael daddy's gonna tell a little joke in a minute so take the
00:23:23dummy out your mouth all right then bless his heart he's love isn't he yeah that's fine all right my
00:23:28darling i'm leaving with me oh no no you stay with bruce oh control yourself all right then daddy's
00:23:39gonna tell a joke now take the dummy out your mouth and if daddy's joke isn't any good you're
00:23:46gonna get that in yours all right i'll leave it there as a reminder and give that to little michael from
00:23:52us will you you know after after the joke it goes around your neck you know right now face the
00:23:58audience by the way as well because we thought this would be better give you a better chance
00:24:01all right then face it right tomorrow take your jacket off take your jacket off of course let me
00:24:05help let me help you that's what i'm here for for goodness sake right right i'll get a price on that
00:24:10right okay shall i put it just here yes please thank you wait
00:24:18all right okay right fella in the desert been in the desert for days yes days and days yes
00:24:25the sun's beating down on him doesn't know where he's going to find water anyway so he's crying
00:24:30in the desert he's going water i must have water please i must have water anyway well that did
00:24:38be the world of good didn't it first bloke he comes to is the bloke selling toys he says please
00:24:45i must have water i'm dying water water water water he says please help me block says well boss
00:24:51he says i can only sell you a tie he says i got striped ones i got spotted ones i got
00:24:57turlene and i got silk the bloke says no he says i must have water i'm dying i'm dying anyway he's
00:25:03crawling along a bit further and he's in the desert and he's water water water water water get red
00:25:11again anyway it comes to another bloke yes it's a big desert isn't it another bloke in the desert
00:25:20another bloke in the desert yeah he says water help me i must have water water water the bloke says
00:25:25well mate he says i can only sell you a toy governor he says i've got striped ones i've got spotted
00:25:29ones i've got turlene and i've got silk he says i can only sell you a tie the bloke says no he says
00:25:34i must have water i must have water water water let's go down there anyway
00:25:53so he comes to this massive hotel in the distance the hotel in the distance the oasis
00:26:00massive in red lights oh yeah yeah yeah yeah so he calls up the steps of the hotel and he says
00:26:05calls up the hotel and he says please he says water water
00:26:10water the commissioner's standing there and he says i can't hit you in mate you haven't got a tie on
00:26:14thank you very much indeed howard where's your little dummy here we are for michael all right
00:26:33then and thanks for being with us you're in love i enjoyed that very much you told it very well
00:26:38very amazing now then who have we got here and this is patrick barnett oh i see he's 26 from
00:26:50newport gwent i see good he's in the steel erecting business oh sounds like a put up job
00:26:55and he studies accents oh do you people's accents yes that's right i mean i've been landing now and
00:27:06i like the way people talk yeah but you are well i mean for instance do you i mean different parts
00:27:10of london i mean would you know my accent what part of london well well what i mean is when i come
00:27:15up a day i don't often come up to london yeah a person stopped me today and this is the way he
00:27:20taught you say well being welsh and normally talking like this you see it's a bit of a very good
00:27:25very good indeed have you got a favorite funny accent what is the funniest accent you've come
00:27:32across apart from yours oh i'd say definitely there now northern island oh it is yeah it is
00:27:37it's a very emotional accent there now look at the eyes anyway thanks for being with us all right
00:27:45then lovely put your elbow on there face the audience you don't want to take your coat off do
00:27:49you no thank goodness for that right i love the other one right okay and off you go well the joke
00:27:55now is about capone and his sidekick lefty you see al capone yes yes yes and uh he's a bit concerned
00:28:00because he's got a few problems obviously and uh he calls for his sidekick lefty he says um hey lefty
00:28:06i want to talk to you kid he said don't you watch why you want to talk to me for
00:28:10he said he said i got a few problems do i end up with you sure boys if i can help you in any way i'll
00:28:19i'll do my best right watch two and two lefty uh two and two boys two two and a three uh four boys
00:28:28that's four that's great now what's four and four uh four five that's eight boys that's terrific
00:28:40what's eight and eight the eight and eight boys yeah what's eight and ten twelve 16 boys he said lefty
00:28:48you know you know so much
00:28:59let's see what you did there seven 14 22 31 40 a very high mark well done indeed don't go away
00:29:08stay right there there we are we got here and this is terry burdette terry burdette oh yes terry
00:29:16burdette yes he's 34 and lives in woodford green woodford green his wife's name is margaret mary ann
00:29:23but he calls her rufus oh why haven't you got a dog is she here tonight she is oh where is she
00:29:33anywhere nice just up there visit oh right at the back there oh in red in red oh she doesn't look
00:29:37like a rufus at all doesn't look like a rufus at all right here we go uh he's been married for
00:29:4111 years and met her at a bus stop oh i suppose you made a request you've been getting on ever since
00:29:51well that wasn't it we've got to stay stunning
00:29:56all right terry yes yes yes now uh they honeymooned in a pub in brighton and the bed was four feet
00:30:02off the ground well on your honeymoon you would have four foot off the ground
00:30:07four feet off the ground
00:30:15on honeymoon you would have four where you going leave go over you would have four feet off the
00:30:19ground right there we are your elbows there and where do you usually tell your jokes sir
00:30:23uh local club local club you're going on your own club you know and sort of have drinks there
00:30:28and tell the boys a few jokes that's right jolly good all right then well you're on your own
00:30:31off right then um this is a joke about uh two lads haven't seen each other in years you see yes yes
00:30:36so they meet in the local pub yeah having a few drinks start talking about the good old days etc
00:30:42and one turn around the other one he said um he said you know harry one thing's always surprised me
00:30:47he said you never got married he said i know he said but um i had three loves in my life he said
00:30:53though he said really he said yeah he said do you remember beryl he said yeah he said well i took her
00:30:57it took her out a few times yeah started taking her home you know oh dear got like a lot of stick
00:31:03from mum didn't like her at all didn't like the way she talked too common you know yeah yeah yeah
00:31:07so i had to give her a biggie you see biggie the elbow yeah you know so anyway uh took me time a
00:31:13little bit you know and i picked up this beautiful bird you know ex-college cynthia you know spoke very
00:31:18well started taking her own oh no mum wouldn't have that no didn't like her no didn't like the way she
00:31:24talked uh walked biggie part of bruce didn't like the way she walked you see so i had to give her
00:31:32the biggie as well so anyway give it another year or so met this bird thought i'm made here took her
00:31:39home really got on well with mum you know really hit it off you know she talked like mum she walked
00:31:46like mum she even looked like mum so his mate said what happened he said dad didn't like us
00:32:00yes so how have we got on this week anthea well actually patrick barnett has won with 40 points
00:32:13with 40 points well done all right wow
00:32:20and there we are thank you lovely julie there we are there's your gold brucey all right then that's for
00:32:25the mantelpiece looks just like you bruce or put it anywhere else you'd like to put it but the
00:32:30battle piece i'd prefer it to go thank you all right then and all the losers will get uh one of
00:32:35our silver bruises all right then okay thank you again julie that's maris now what else has he won
00:32:40yes we've also got a choice again this week yes the music center with cassette radio record playing yes
00:32:47or a remote control colored tv set so what do you think well we watch a lot of telly to be honest with
00:32:54another way so i wouldn't mind the color tv if i could you like the color tv all right it's all
00:32:58yours over there have a look at it and it's all yours thank you very much thanks again oh now by the
00:33:03way you're going to take part we're going to we're going to a stage further with our joker this week
00:33:07last week you don't know whether you saw it we did a three-handed bit with francoise pascal
00:33:11well we're going to go a stage further you're going to have what we call the big night screen test
00:33:15i see you'll be playing in a sort of a little film scene with a very beautiful actress all right then
00:33:21okay all right all right it'll be a lot of fun you're going to do it anyway yeah don't worry about
00:33:25that see you soon lovely well now here with jambalaya are 32 feet
00:33:41goodbye joe
00:33:46goodbye joe
00:33:50you gotta go
00:33:52you gotta go
00:33:58Fun on the bayou
00:34:00Good by Joe
00:34:02He got a gun
00:34:02Me and my
00:34:03He got a gun
00:34:05He broke down the bayou
00:34:07He said, fine
00:34:09Sweetest one
00:34:10Me and my
00:34:11Son of a gun
00:34:13We'll have big fun
00:34:14On the bayou
00:34:15Jumbo line
00:34:17Drop his fire
00:34:18In a scumbo
00:34:19Cause tonight
00:34:21I'm gonna see
00:34:22My Michelle and me
00:34:23Pick it up
00:34:25Every child
00:34:26And the game
00:34:27Son of a gun
00:34:28We'll have big fun
00:34:30On the bayou
00:34:31On the bayou
00:34:33We'll have big fun
00:34:34Tonight
00:34:35On the bayou
00:34:37On the bayou
00:34:40We'll have big fun
00:34:42Tonight
00:34:43On the bayou
00:34:44On the bayou
00:34:48We're gonna dance
00:34:50All night
00:34:51On the bayou
00:34:52On the bayou
00:34:54On the bayou
00:34:56And now, it's the big night screen test.
00:35:05Yes, it's this week we are going a stage further with our joke of the week.
00:35:09We know he's an excellent storyteller, but how will he cope with a dramatic film situation?
00:35:15This is what we're about to find out with our screen test tonight.
00:35:19It's the famous scene from the movie Casablanca.
00:35:21The part created by Ingrid Bergman will be played by lovely Rock Follies star Ruda Lenska.
00:35:27Humphrey Bogart will be played by our joke of the week, Patrick Barnett.
00:35:31And I will be Sam the piano player.
00:35:33Ladies and gentlemen, the big night screen test, Cas...
00:35:37I did the rest so well, didn't I?
00:35:43The big night screen test, Casablanca.
00:35:51All right then, okay?
00:35:57Just relax and then it'll be your fun.
00:35:59All right, we've heard the music, it's lovely.
00:36:04Too much, but all right.
00:36:06Okay then, now just think, you know, get the acting feel, you know.
00:36:09Don't forget, you know, make out there's a Humphrey about.
00:36:14I just thought of that.
00:36:15Okay, so quiet on the set, please.
00:36:21Quiet!
00:36:22Quiet on the set!
00:36:24Quiet!
00:36:27Action!
00:36:27Action!
00:36:27Action!
00:36:45Play it again, Sam.
00:37:12I'll never be able to play a game for the rest of my life.
00:37:17He's at the usual table, ma'am.
00:37:20He's at the usual...
00:37:21A bit too Kenny Lynch, but in my...
00:37:23He's at the usual table, ma'am.
00:37:31Hello, Rick.
00:37:33No!
00:37:37Don't say a word.
00:37:39I shall always remember you like that.
00:37:42Do you remember the last time we met?
00:37:48No!
00:37:50Don't remind me.
00:37:52It is etched in my memory forever.
00:37:55Do you remember what I was wearing the last time we met?
00:37:59But of course you do.
00:38:01How could you ever forget?
00:38:02Just a minute, just a minute.
00:38:04Oi, I say, you've got the job.
00:38:08For goodness sake, this is screen test.
00:38:09You haven't stopped rabbiting since you came in.
00:38:11You mucked my hand up and now you're rabbiting to him.
00:38:14You're going for an Oscar on the same night.
00:38:17Just say the last line.
00:38:21Rick, speak to me.
00:38:22All right then?
00:38:23Action.
00:38:24Oh, Rick.
00:38:25Speak to me.
00:38:26Listen, Rick.
00:38:29With all the low-down, crazy, greaseball joints...
00:38:31Cut!
00:38:32Cut!
00:38:33The voice isn't quite right.
00:38:35No, it was nearly there, but...
00:38:37Look, sit down, really.
00:38:39Play the piano and I'll show you what I mean.
00:38:42I'll just give you an idea because this is very important.
00:38:44When we get to you, I want to devote a lot of time, camera time to you.
00:38:47All right then?
00:38:48So, all right then?
00:38:50Cut!
00:38:52Action!
00:38:53What do you think you're doing?
00:39:13I can't play the piano.
00:39:17He can't play the piano!
00:39:19You owned up!
00:39:20Well, look, it's my fault.
00:39:23It's my fault.
00:39:24You're right, you're right, Patrick.
00:39:24Look, that's it.
00:39:25Can't undo the blimmin'...
00:39:26That was funny.
00:39:32Putting a new coat of paint on it.
00:39:41You know, I've got a star on my hands and all this.
00:39:44I'll get the elephant to mind me.
00:39:45Don't worry.
00:39:45Do you know, as time goes by...
00:39:54Sorry, Bruce, I don't know it.
00:39:56You don't know it?
00:39:56Really, no.
00:39:57Oh, for it's from Casablanca!
00:39:59No, I don't like it either.
00:40:02Shh!
00:40:06Right.
00:40:06Da, da, da, da.
00:40:07You know what I mean?
00:40:09Fine, jolly good.
00:40:09Okay, then.
00:40:10Okay, Alan.
00:40:10He's going to play it, you see, in the elephant to fill a mime.
00:40:12Sorry to go above your head.
00:40:13There's nothing in his contract about playing solos, you know.
00:40:18Oh, you mean it's extra?
00:40:19Yes.
00:40:20Right, here we are.
00:40:21Okay.
00:40:21Trev, Trev, and a bit of Trev.
00:40:27All right, you'll mime.
00:40:28He'll play.
00:40:28Okay?
00:40:29Right, then.
00:40:30And do a good job of the mime.
00:40:31Okay, here we go, then.
00:40:32Right.
00:40:33Cut!
00:40:33Action!
00:40:40Rick, speak to me.
00:40:58All right, all right.
00:41:01Never mind all that.
00:41:02Come here, come here.
00:41:03No, it was very good.
00:41:04And I'll tell you something.
00:41:05Bobby Crush does it all the time.
00:41:07To my records.
00:41:08Bring it up.
00:41:10I want you to get in close to see what I do here with the thing, you see.
00:41:13Just give me the line again, okay?
00:41:17Oric, it's nice to see you.
00:41:20To see you nice.
00:41:22Good game, good game, good game.
00:41:33Now, listen, kid.
00:41:34Of all the crazy greaseball joints in London, I mean, low down.
00:41:38London?
00:41:38Low down?
00:41:39Crazy greaseball worries.
00:41:40You see, you've got to get, you know, go, okay, blue eyes, get the blue eyes.
00:41:43Green eyes.
00:41:44Okay, green eyes.
00:41:45Green eyes.
00:41:46You see, that's what you're going to get.
00:41:47Get that.
00:41:47Green eyes.
00:41:48Okay, green eyes.
00:41:49Okay, fine.
00:41:51That's you try it.
00:41:52Okay.
00:41:53Try it once more.
00:41:54Listen, kid.
00:41:57Of all the low down crazy greaseball joints.
00:42:00No, it's still not.
00:42:01Get it a bit lower.
00:42:02Just a minute.
00:42:03Have a tissue.
00:42:04Okay?
00:42:05Now, this is what Marlon Brando did in the old...
00:42:08And Sammy Davis did this the other night.
00:42:09Just get this in.
00:42:11Just fold it in two like that.
00:42:12Fold it over again.
00:42:14That's it.
00:42:14Then fold it back again like that.
00:42:15Here we are.
00:42:16All right, then?
00:42:16Have you done that?
00:42:17Good game, good game.
00:42:19I can't say that anymore.
00:42:21Okay, that goes underneath your lip.
00:42:22Okay, fold it up nice and roll it up like that.
00:42:24Like it would a cigarette, okay?
00:42:26And underneath, like that.
00:42:32Now, get the voice lower and I'll give you...
00:42:34I don't know, okay.
00:42:39You look like Dracula's daughter.
00:42:42For goodness sake, ruler.
00:42:44I mean, Sam.
00:42:47Okay, now try it a bit lower.
00:42:48Listen, kid.
00:42:49Go on.
00:42:50Listen, kid.
00:42:54If all the low-down crazy waist-ball joints in a slow-down crazy waist-ball world,
00:43:00you have to walk into this one.
00:43:03Can't you see, sweetheart?
00:43:05Sweet hat?
00:43:06Sweetheart.
00:43:07Sweetheart.
00:43:08We're washed up.
00:43:09We're washed up with Drew.
00:43:11Great.
00:43:12That was...
00:43:12Bruce.
00:43:14That was so...
00:43:15Bruce!
00:43:15Sir, I'm Sam.
00:43:17I keep telling you, I'm Sam.
00:43:18I'm not happy with my part.
00:43:20That's been the story of my life.
00:43:22Don't treat me like this at the National.
00:43:24I didn't know you worked in a garage.
00:43:27Sir Lawrence treats me like an actress.
00:43:30That's when he was in Arabia.
00:43:32The sun went to his head.
00:43:34I'm not taking any more of this.
00:43:35It's a mildest part you've got.
00:43:36I wish I had a part like that in this rotten play.
00:43:38All right, then you play it.
00:43:40All right, I will.
00:43:41And I'll direct.
00:43:42Okay, you get a bit of emotion.
00:43:44All right, then.
00:43:45All right.
00:43:46You watch the emotion in this.
00:43:48Just watch it.
00:43:49Enough of the chakra.
00:43:49I'm directing now.
00:43:50Oh, you're directing.
00:43:51All right, then, okay.
00:43:52Any time you're back.
00:43:55This is the love scene.
00:44:00Love scene?
00:44:01All of a sudden, it's a love scene.
00:44:02Action.
00:44:09Rick.
00:44:11Ilse.
00:44:12Rick.
00:44:15Ilse.
00:44:16Rick.
00:44:17Ilse.
00:44:18Rick.
00:44:20Ilse.
00:44:22Oh, no, I've got a Rick in my neck.
00:44:25Bruce, this is supposed to be a love scene.
00:44:27All right, well, get up.
00:44:29What are you going to do now?
00:44:30Now, this is the big embrace.
00:44:31Grab hold of her.
00:44:36There's only one thing that stops me from kissing you.
00:44:41What's that?
00:44:43Ilse, shave off your moustache, will you?
00:44:46I've got a great idea.
00:44:56I've got a great idea.
00:44:56Let's turn this into a musical.
00:44:59And we can do it right here.
00:45:01Pass a blank, here we come, right back where we started from, cos we're travelling along, singing a song, side by side.
00:45:16We're back now.
00:45:18Yes.
00:45:20Right.
00:45:20Yes.
00:45:21Oh.
00:45:22Oh.
00:45:23Yes.
00:45:25Oh.
00:45:34You were marvellous.
00:45:36Oh, the accent.
00:45:37Rula, may I thank you so much?
00:45:39You're an absolute darling.
00:45:40Hope your leg isn't too bad.
00:45:41No.
00:45:42Because she had a bit of an accident earlier on.
00:45:44And I know you'd like to thank Rula as well.
00:45:46Thank you very much, Annie.
00:45:47She pulled us both through, didn't she?
00:45:48Yes.
00:45:49Thank you, my darling.
00:45:50Hope to see you again.
00:45:51Good luck to everyone.
00:45:56And this is Jane.
00:45:59Ah, Jane.
00:45:59And have you been looking after her?
00:46:01Yes, it's been my pleasure.
00:46:02All right, jolly good.
00:46:03Thank you again, Anthea, my darling.
00:46:04Well, there we are.
00:46:05Now, this is the big crunch.
00:46:05Is he funny at home, dear?
00:46:07Yeah, all right.
00:46:07He makes you laugh a lot?
00:46:09She's nice, isn't she?
00:46:10Got nice eyes, lovely eyes.
00:46:12Yeah, jolly good.
00:46:13Well, now, this is real crunch time.
00:46:14Could we have the envelope, by the way?
00:46:16What do you want to answer questions on?
00:46:17Because for a nice prize,
00:46:18do you want questions on TV comedy,
00:46:20film comedy or radio comedy?
00:46:23I'd say TV comedy.
00:46:24TV comedy?
00:46:25Yeah.
00:46:25All right, then.
00:46:26You go along with that?
00:46:26Jolly good.
00:46:27OK.
00:46:27Thank you very much, Julie.
00:46:29Fine.
00:46:29Now, then, on television.
00:46:32Let's see what we've got here tonight.
00:46:34OK.
00:46:34Now, the first question is,
00:46:36the Fen Street Gang originally appeared
00:46:39in another TV comedy series.
00:46:42What was its name?
00:46:44Please, sir.
00:46:45You're absolutely right.
00:46:46Well done, Patrick.
00:46:47And your name again Jane, is it?
00:46:49Jane.
00:46:49Jane.
00:46:49That's right, fine.
00:46:50OK, I didn't see your lips move.
00:46:52Right.
00:46:53Well done.
00:46:54The second part coming up right now.
00:46:56Two comedy actors who appeared in Frost Report and Frost on Sunday went on to get their own TV series.
00:47:06Name them.
00:47:07Um, was it John Cleese and Fawlty Tellers?
00:47:15Um, were they together, by the way, or were they both separate?
00:47:19Well, it says two comedy actors who appeared in the Frost Report.
00:47:22Oh.
00:47:23And it says they went on to get their own TV series.
00:47:27Was it The Two Ronnies?
00:47:28Yes, you're right.
00:47:29You're right.
00:47:30I thought you were very close.
00:47:33I think it was worded a bit there.
00:47:35OK, one more to get.
00:47:37You're doing very well.
00:47:37Which comedy team were the stars of The Laughing Programme, and we want their Christian names as well?
00:47:44The very popular Laugh-In Programme.
00:47:47Um, Roald Martin, was it?
00:47:50Or...
00:47:51Rowan and Martin.
00:47:52You've got the surnames.
00:47:53The surnames.
00:47:53Now, have you got their...
00:47:55Their...
00:47:56Christian names?
00:47:58Something Rowan and something Martin.
00:48:00Oh, uh...
00:48:01They used to do a thing at the end of the show.
00:48:03It was always goodnight.
00:48:05Goodnight, Al, and goodnight...
00:48:07No.
00:48:08Nope.
00:48:10David?
00:48:11I don't have to be strict about this.
00:48:13I think we're...
00:48:14What's that?
00:48:15David?
00:48:16No.
00:48:17No.
00:48:18David?
00:48:18I don't think you've got this.
00:48:20It was Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
00:48:23Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
00:48:23All right, then.
00:48:24But, but, you know, you've got two out of three.
00:48:27Now, for two out of three, it's dinner for two in a top-class Spanish restaurant.
00:48:33Which I'm sure will be lovely.
00:48:34You'll look forward to that, won't you?
00:48:35Yes.
00:48:36During a ten-day holiday in Marbella.
00:48:42That makes a good, isn't it?
00:48:45All right.
00:48:46At the cost of El Sol at our expense.
00:48:49So you go there, you have a lovely, lovely time.
00:48:51Everything is on us.
00:48:52All right, then.
00:48:52So have a lovely time.
00:48:53Then, whenever you choose to go there, think of us and have a drink for us when you're there,
00:48:57will you?
00:48:57All right, then.
00:48:58And thank you again.
00:48:59Deli, will you see them to the padded cell?
00:49:01All right, then.
00:49:02Jolly good.
00:49:08Now, in a moment, the hilarious Glum family, the incredible Demis Roussos, and a new name
00:49:14who I believe could be as big as all of them.
00:49:16So don't go away.
00:49:18See you very soon.
00:49:40Welcome back.
00:49:43Welcome back.
00:49:43Now, one of the pleasures of a job like mine is that you get the chance to introduce exciting
00:49:48new talent.
00:49:49And here now is someone who is exciting, young, and talented.
00:49:54Ladies and gentlemen, sit back with me and enjoy Grace Kennedy.
00:49:58Think of home.
00:50:11Home.
00:50:15Home.
00:50:17When I think of home, I think of a place where there's love overflowing.
00:50:30I wish I was home.
00:50:34I wish I was back there with the things I've been knowing.
00:50:41When that makes the tall trees bend into leaning.
00:50:48Suddenly the snowflakes that fall have a meaning.
00:50:54And sprinkling the sea makes it all clean.
00:51:04Maybe there's a chance for me to go back now that I have some direction.
00:51:20It would sure be nice to be back home where there's love and affection.
00:51:29And just maybe I can't convince time to slow up.
00:51:36Giving me enough time in my life to grow up.
00:51:42Time be my friend.
00:51:48Let me start again.
00:51:52Suddenly my world's gone and changed its face.
00:52:00But I still know where I'm going.
00:52:06I have had my mind spun around in space.
00:52:10And yet I've watched it grow it.
00:52:14Oh, and if you're listening, God, please don't make it hard.
00:52:20To know if we should believe the things we see.
00:52:25Tell us, should we run away?
00:52:28Should we try and stay?
00:52:30Or would it be that I've got to let me be?
00:52:36Living here in this brand new world.
00:52:41It might be a fantasy.
00:52:42But it took me too long.
00:52:50So it's real, real to me.
00:52:56And I've learned that we must look inside our hearts to find.
00:53:05A world full of love.
00:53:10Like you're the one.
00:53:13Like you're the one.
00:53:14Like you're the one.
00:53:19Well, Grace, that was amazing.
00:53:43I didn't say amazing, Grace, did I?
00:53:45But there we are.
00:53:46I said you were young.
00:53:47I said you were exciting.
00:53:48And you are very, very talented.
00:53:50How long have you been a professional?
00:53:5218 months now, Bruce.
00:53:5318 months.
00:53:54Well, I find that absolutely incredible because you have such contact.
00:53:58We have 400 people here.
00:53:59And I believe the contact that she made with you as a performer was quite wonderful.
00:54:05I wish you all the luck in the world.
00:54:09Thank you very much.
00:54:09You don't want to say much, do you?
00:54:11You don't.
00:54:12But may I just say this.
00:54:13We hope that the big night has helped to sort of get you that other rung of the ladder,
00:54:17which you do need.
00:54:19Every week now, it's got to be something bigger and bigger.
00:54:22We hope that you don't just reach stardom, but superstardom.
00:54:25Because your talent deserves that kind of treatment.
00:54:28Thank you very much.
00:54:29Well, they'd say whatever your family's like, there's no place like home.
00:54:43So now let's go over to the home of Mr. Glum.
00:54:46Yes, the public bar of his local somewhere in London.
00:54:50Last one, Mr. Glum.
00:54:54Another drink, Mr. Glum?
00:54:56Yes, thank you very much, Ted.
00:54:57Yes, thank you.
00:54:57Brown ale, if you will.
00:54:59Mr. Glum, my missus was telling me you had a card up in the tobacconist window last month
00:55:03advertising for a lodger.
00:55:04Oh, yeah.
00:55:05Trust her.
00:55:06She would notice, wouldn't she?
00:55:07There ain't much that gets away from her beady little eyes, is there, eh?
00:55:10Thank you, Ted.
00:55:11Yes, I did have a card up.
00:55:13Yes, I did.
00:55:14Oh, you've taken it down now, have you?
00:55:16Taken it down, I should think I have.
00:55:17Taken it down?
00:55:19Lodger?
00:55:19Oh, never no more.
00:55:21Not after what transpired.
00:55:22Oh?
00:55:23Did something transpire?
00:55:24You've never seen the luck of the transpiring that went on.
00:55:28Listen, you know that boy Ron, mind, don't you?
00:55:30You know Ron, he's the one that penciled that moustache on the girl on the soda side for finding.
00:55:34Well, I didn't reveal.
00:55:36I didn't reveal to him about the lodger, not until the Tuesday night, you see.
00:55:40At the time, he was on the sofa in the parlour with F.
00:55:42That's his intended, you see.
00:55:44Yeah, I know.
00:55:44The missus told me.
00:55:45Yeah, trust her.
00:55:46Anyway, they was on the sofa together, and Ron, he had that jigsaw puzzle while I gave
00:55:51him for Christmas.
00:55:58Oh, Ron!
00:56:02I'm just about fed up.
00:56:05You've had your nose buried in that jigsaw all evening.
00:56:10Really, Ron, isn't it the height of rudeness?
00:56:13No, eh?
00:56:16It's the boyhood of Raleigh.
00:56:20Oh, let it alone now.
00:56:23For all the company you've been tonight, I might just as well have stayed at home and
00:56:27done my legs for the dance.
00:56:29Oh, for heaven's sake, Ron, think of me for a bit.
00:56:35For a bit of what, eh?
00:56:36Oh, take some notice of me.
00:56:40Hey, a girl likes a little attention, beloved, especially when she's been working.
00:56:46Ron!
00:56:48Ron, what do you think you're doing?
00:56:51I think you're sitting on Sir Walter Raleigh's nose.
00:56:53Don't ask me to get up.
00:56:56A gentleman would say, up-seat-a-moved, not just groove.
00:57:02No, it's not there, Eth.
00:57:04Oh, Eth.
00:57:05I've lost Sir Walter Raleigh's nose, blowy.
00:57:09Oh, Ron, since you've had that jigsaw, you haven't had a moment for me.
00:57:19Do you expect me just to sit here?
00:57:23Like a lemon?
00:57:25No, thanks, Eth.
00:57:26I've just had a banana.
00:57:29Oh, well, you've not even been listening to me.
00:57:32If you don't feel like chattering, at least find some other pastime.
00:57:39Haven't you got a game that two can play at?
00:57:43Oh, yes, eh?
00:57:45No, Ron, I don't mean that.
00:57:46Oh, come on in.
00:57:47Just one kiss of food.
00:57:49Oh, no, no, no.
00:57:51What are you?
00:57:52Oh, thanks, Eth.
00:57:53Hello, hello, hello.
00:57:58What's this?
00:57:59Ron helping himself to a bit of supplementary?
00:58:02I'll give over you two for a moment.
00:58:05I've got a bit of good news for a change.
00:58:07I think I've got a nibble for me ad.
00:58:09What ad, Mr. Glenn?
00:58:10Oh, well, you see, I put an ad in the tobacconist, you know, for a lodger.
00:58:13You know, it's quite simply worded.
00:58:14I worded it myself.
00:58:15A furnished accommodation for gentlemen.
00:58:16I said, secluded road, quiet house.
00:58:19I didn't mention the var duct.
00:58:21I don't understand, Dad.
00:58:23No, well, Ron, I didn't want to break it to you.
00:58:25Not too sudden, in case you, you know, you had one of your turns.
00:58:28I mean, I don't like to see you.
00:58:30You see, Ron, it's like this.
00:58:31Well, it isn't any more going to be just you and me and Mum in this little house.
00:58:37There's going to be somebody else.
00:58:41Oh, Dad.
00:58:43Oh, Dad, I am glad, Dad.
00:58:45But you shouldn't be standing in your condition.
00:58:49Oh, you bumble, you stupid devilish.
00:58:55You're talking about...
00:58:56Now, we're going to take in a lodger.
00:58:59A lodger?
00:59:00Yes, he can have your room and you can have the spare room.
00:59:04Oh, no, Dad.
00:59:05Oh, yes, Ron.
00:59:06No, Dad, I can't sleep in the spare room.
00:59:09The shadow's on the ceiling.
00:59:11You just have to pull your cap down over your eyes.
00:59:14You've got to make sacrifices.
00:59:15We've all got to make sacrifices.
00:59:16I don't want a lodger.
00:59:17Who wants a lodger?
00:59:18I don't want a lodger.
00:59:19It's just sheer, dire economic necessity.
00:59:21Oh, so that's why you've been looking so depressed recently, Mr. Glum.
00:59:25Well, that and me, corns.
00:59:26You see, there's not enough...
00:59:27There's not enough money coming in.
00:59:30Not since Mrs. Glum had her accident.
00:59:32Accident?
00:59:32Yes, she was giving the tablecloth the window test and fell out the window.
00:59:37Very nasty.
00:59:38Since then, there's been nothing coming in, so we've got to resort to a PG.
00:59:43That could be somebody to see the room now.
00:59:45Listen up, it looks horrible.
00:59:46Get them braces off that mirror.
00:59:48Tidy all them clothes up off that...
00:59:49It looks like the Navy's coming to port or something.
00:59:52I'll tell you what, I'll let him in.
00:59:54Yes?
00:59:56I don't like being turned out of my own bed.
00:59:59Especially when I've just worked a hole in the sheet that fits my big toe exactly.
01:00:03Oh, Ron, I don't know what's come over you recently.
01:00:07All you think about is your own pleasure.
01:00:09Not a thought for your father's problems or mine.
01:00:13It's time you were taught some sort of lesson.
01:00:16No, yes, no.
01:00:17Hey!
01:00:19You'll never guess who's come to look at the room.
01:00:22A young frog!
01:00:25Oh, Tampo?
01:00:27It's a young French gentleman.
01:00:30He's called Roger Dupont.
01:00:33He's studying at the local tech for some reason or other.
01:00:36He's fancy having a real foreigner in our arse, eh?
01:00:39Roger the Lodjay.
01:00:41I'll bring it in so you can have a good gawp at him.
01:00:45And to re!
01:00:47And to re, if you will, sir.
01:00:49Bonsoir.
01:00:50Bonsoir.
01:00:50That's French for how you're going on this evening.
01:00:52Mr. Dupont, this is my family.
01:00:55The one with the jigsaw puzzle is Ronald.
01:00:58Ah!
01:00:59Comment allez-vous?
01:01:00No, it's the boyhood of Raleigh.
01:01:03Don't confuse him, Ron.
01:01:05Now...
01:01:06Introduce the coffer.
01:01:10Er, this is my fian...
01:01:12This is my...
01:01:14Dad, what's French for fiancé?
01:01:18Give him a name!
01:01:19It's my F.
01:01:20Oh, er, your F?
01:01:24Oh, what is an F?
01:01:25Oh, excuse my English, please.
01:01:29Er, she is not very good.
01:01:31She's good enough for me.
01:01:33No, Ronny doesn't mean it like that.
01:01:36I'm very pleased to meet you, I'm sure.
01:01:39Merci, mademoiselle.
01:01:41Je suis enchanté de faire votre connaissance.
01:01:44Oh, look, Ronny's kissing my head!
01:01:47Dirty, rotten beast.
01:01:53No, Ronny's the custom in front.
01:01:56No, not him, I mean Dad.
01:01:58I've just remembered there isn't a bed in the spare room.
01:02:05So you'll Ron didn't take her having a lodger, then?
01:02:08No, he acted very surly, very surly towards the geese, you know.
01:02:12Nothing outright discourteous, you know,
01:02:14cos I've taught him better than that.
01:02:15He just showed it in little ways, you know,
01:02:17like spitting the geysers out and, er...
01:02:20Mixing xenopods in his old brand.
01:02:24I thought it was on account of no bed in the spare room,
01:02:27but I realised after a bit that there was a situation
01:02:30as regarding F, you see.
01:02:32F?
01:02:33Yeah, that's his intended, as you know.
01:02:34Well, it all came to a head one day
01:02:37when I was showing this Roger the motorbike.
01:02:39You see, Roger,
01:02:43we'd have a seat there for you,
01:02:45a saddle for you to sit on if you want to buy it.
01:02:47And you, well, that's the other...
01:02:49Oh.
01:02:51Hello, eh?
01:02:52Evening, Miss Glam.
01:02:54Evening, Roger.
01:02:56Ah, la belle est.
01:02:58Bonsoir, ma petite.
01:03:00He's doing it again, Dad.
01:03:01Oh, Roger, what...
01:03:04Oh, oh, tell very much, that is nice.
01:03:08Oh, Tom.
01:03:10Hello, eh?
01:03:12Well, Roger, shall we go into the parlour
01:03:14for another one of our English lessons?
01:03:17Hello, eh?
01:03:18Mais bien sûr.
01:03:19Hello, eh?
01:03:21I've brought another exercise book,
01:03:23so don't let's waste time.
01:03:25Hello, eh?
01:03:27Thank you, Mr. Glam.
01:03:28Bye-bye, eh.
01:03:37Well, half past nine already, Roger.
01:03:41Doesn't time fly when you're studying?
01:03:44Let's try that last sentence once more, and...
01:03:48Uh, please, uh, direct me, uh, to a wheelwright.
01:03:54Uh, my horse has lost a shoe.
01:03:57That would be lovely.
01:04:01Oh, you'll be holding conversations in no time.
01:04:07Tomorrow, we will do the next chapter in the phrase book
01:04:12at the apothecaries.
01:04:19Oh, just a minute.
01:04:20There's that noise outside the door again.
01:04:22I'm just going to go and see what it is.
01:04:28Ron!
01:04:29Hello, eh?
01:04:31Are you praying?
01:04:33No.
01:04:34I'm on my knees so I can hear better.
01:04:36Yes.
01:04:38I've been at keyholes.
01:04:39I consider that rather cheap.
01:04:42Let me come in and sit with you, eh, please.
01:04:44Let me come in, please, eh.
01:04:45Oh, no, Ron.
01:04:46When I'm in Roger's company,
01:04:48he doesn't like any sort of distraction.
01:04:50Not like some people I know.
01:04:52But we haven't sat on the settee together for days.
01:04:55I'll get out of practice.
01:04:57Let me in, eh, please.
01:04:58Let me in.
01:04:59Oh, no, Ron.
01:05:00I wouldn't dream of keeping you from your jigsaw.
01:05:03So sorry, Roger.
01:05:08Where were we?
01:05:09Oh, yes, at the apothecaries.
01:05:13Now, I think we could...
01:05:15Roger, why are you taking your tie off?
01:05:19So you'd like to be alone with me, huh?
01:05:21Oh, no, I'd rather be alone.
01:05:22Oh, no, put the light back on.
01:05:24Oh, don't do that.
01:05:26Oh, no, stop it.
01:05:28Oh, you mustn't do that.
01:05:29I was only being nice to you.
01:05:30Oh, no, I must do that.
01:05:32Oh, no, I must pull me now on.
01:05:35Oh, Amy B.
01:05:37Oh, Amy B.
01:05:39Run, Mr. Clark.
01:05:41Run!
01:05:43Hello, it's...
01:05:44Help, Mr. Clark!
01:05:49Oh, Dad, look.
01:05:52Get the poker, get the poker.
01:05:56It's even wrong, Matt.
01:05:58Yes, yes.
01:05:59Oh!
01:05:59I'm sorry, Dad, but Ed said hit him.
01:06:13She met the other geezer.
01:06:14Get off me.
01:06:15What do you want to hit me?
01:06:16Oh, dear.
01:06:16Where is he?
01:06:17Where is he?
01:06:17He's gone, Mr. Glanman.
01:06:18Gone, oh, blimey.
01:06:20That's three guineas a week gone out the door.
01:06:22£4.10.
01:06:23£4.10?
01:06:24Where am I going to find another foreigner
01:06:25I can persuade that a guinea's worth £30.
01:06:29Oh, well, never mind, Mr. Glanman.
01:06:31The good thing is that it's brought Ron and me together again.
01:06:34Oh, that's nice.
01:06:36Happy Ron.
01:06:37Oh, yes, yes.
01:06:39I don't hate Roger any more.
01:06:41It's because of him I've found something I shall never lose again.
01:06:46And what is that, beloved?
01:06:47It's Walter Raleigh's nose.
01:06:56Ladies and gentlemen, Demis Roussas.
01:07:00APPLAUSE
01:07:02Thank you very much.
01:07:32Seasons of love have gone forever
01:07:38Memories of words we still remember
01:07:41Silence is like a frame
01:07:44Cause now there's nobody else
01:07:48Seasons of love have gone forever
01:07:52After the storm we still remember
01:07:56After the dream that died
01:07:59And all the memories remain
01:08:03Ooh, there's nothing there but silence
01:08:10All the lonely silence
01:08:13Everything reminds me of you
01:08:17Ooh, I close my eyes and see you
01:08:24In every dream I see you
01:08:28Everything reminds me of you
01:08:31Seasons of love have gone forever
01:08:36Echoes of words we still remember
01:08:40Silence is like a frame
01:08:43Cause now there's nobody else
01:08:46Seasons of love have gone forever
01:08:51After the storm we still remember
01:08:55Part of the dream that died
01:08:57But all the memories remain
01:09:01Seasons of love have gone forever
01:09:06Crickles of words we still remember
01:09:09Crickles of words we still remember
01:09:10Silence is like a frame
01:09:12Cause now there's nobody else
01:09:16Seasons of love have gone forever
01:09:20After the storm we still remember
01:09:24Part of the dream that died
01:09:26Part of the dream that died
01:09:27But all the memories remain
01:09:31Ooh, there's nothing there but silence
01:09:37Ooh, there's nothing there but silence
01:09:39Oh, there's nothing there but silence
01:09:41Everything reminds me of you
01:09:45Ooh, there's nothing there but silence
01:09:47Ooh, there's nothing there but silence
01:09:52In every dream I see you now
01:09:56Everything reminds me of you
01:10:00Ooh, there's nothing there but silence
01:10:02Ooh, there's nothing there but silence
01:10:07Cold and low and silence
01:10:09Everything reminds me of you
01:10:12Ooh, there's nothing there but silence
01:10:14Ooh, there's nothing there but silence
01:10:16Ooh, there's nothing there but silence
01:10:19I'm so glad you wore long.
01:10:49I wore this, you shouldn't have laughed, because I wore this as a tribute to you, I really did, you know, I love getting into the gear, it's all wasted, there we are, but sit yourself down, here we are, well first of all, let's find out, because we know how popular you are, it is alright to cross your legs in these, isn't it?
01:11:15Well now, you're now a worldwide star, I mean, you're a recording star particularly, I mean, how many albums have you sold in the last...
01:11:23Well I recorded in my career, without the group, excluding the group, I recorded seven albums and it's about 35 million albums sale.
01:11:3135 million albums?
01:11:33A lot of...
01:11:34In seven years?
01:11:35A lot of records over here in England, you know, last year...
01:11:37Well you see how our careers are so similar in a way, I mean, you know, we...
01:11:41Well they are, because I mean, I've sold...
01:11:45I've sold seven albums in 35 years!
01:11:49You see how careers can sometimes have something the same, yes, well now, you must be a wealthy man with all these albums and all your live appearances all over the world, you must be a wealthy man, I mean, you live now in Monte Carlo?
01:12:02I live in Monte Carlo, yes, I used to...
01:12:04And have you got a, is that right, you've got a mint trim bed with gold taps?
01:12:08What?
01:12:09You've got a mint with taps?
01:12:10That's what I heard.
01:12:11No, I have nice taps.
01:12:12I heard that, you know, you just press a button and it turns into a bath, you're a bit kinky, that's what I...
01:12:18No, but you have got a mint-trimmed bed, is that right?
01:12:21Yeah, I have a beautiful bed.
01:12:23And how much...
01:12:24Do you mind me asking how much that would be worth?
01:12:26Well I wouldn't mind, it's about 25,000 pounds.
01:12:30Good gracious.
01:12:31And it's mint-trimmed?
01:12:32Of course.
01:12:33Yeah, for a poster.
01:12:35That would be the question for goodness sake.
01:12:38And you have race horses, is that right?
01:12:40Yes, I have a couple of horses.
01:12:41You have a couple of horses.
01:12:42And you have a French wife, I don't want to go to horses to wives, but I mean...
01:12:46But your wife is French.
01:12:48Actually you can go because it's her horses and not mine.
01:12:50Oh I see, she owns the horses.
01:12:52Oh well that's okay, that's alright, that's fine.
01:12:54And her name is Dominique?
01:12:55Yes, that's correct.
01:12:56Is that right?
01:12:57And you have a son by her?
01:12:58I have a son.
01:12:59And what's he called?
01:13:00He's called Cyril.
01:13:01Cyril?
01:13:02Yes.
01:13:03How can a Demis and a Dominique have a Cyril?
01:13:08I mean, even if he's a nice one.
01:13:11I mean Cyril, for goodness sake, you're kidding me, Cyril.
01:13:16Why, it's very English for you.
01:13:17Yeah, of course Cyril is an English name, isn't it?
01:13:19Well, you can say Kyrylos in Greek.
01:13:21Oh, Kyrylos.
01:13:22Of course, it's more Greek than English, you know.
01:13:24For goodness, of course Cyril is always a name that makes me laugh over here, but you see,
01:13:28Kyrylos, that's rather, oh yeah, he's got a bit of style about it.
01:13:31Right.
01:13:32Okay, well now, you know my catchphrase is, nice to see you, to see you, nice.
01:13:36Would you sort of put that into Greek for me?
01:13:38Well, I would say,
01:13:40Charyka Poli.
01:13:41Yeah.
01:13:42Charyka Poli.
01:13:43Charyka Me.
01:13:44Just a minute.
01:13:45Wait a minute.
01:13:46That's right.
01:13:47Right.
01:13:48What is the last word?
01:13:49C-H.
01:13:50C-H.
01:13:51Yes.
01:13:52A.
01:13:53A.
01:13:54R.
01:13:55R.
01:13:56I.
01:13:57I.
01:13:58K.
01:13:59K.
01:14:00A.
01:14:01A.
01:14:02M.
01:14:03M.
01:14:04E.
01:14:05A.
01:14:06A.
01:14:07A.
01:14:08A.
01:14:09A.
01:14:10A.
01:14:11A.
01:14:12A.
01:14:13A.
01:14:14A.
01:14:15A.
01:14:16A.
01:14:17A.
01:14:18A.
01:14:19A.
01:14:20H.
01:14:21A.
01:14:22A.
01:14:23A.
01:14:24A.
01:14:25Well, for God's sake.
01:14:27Alex!
01:14:31Oh, this is very good.
01:14:33Alex, it's hard, look at that.
01:14:35Hard to come in.
01:14:36Of course, hard.
01:14:37You have to have a special language to say that.
01:14:40Is it hard to say that?
01:14:41I suppose the biggest hit and the song that we all know you for
01:14:45more than anything else is Forever and Ever.
01:14:49I think this was my biggest hit, yes.
01:14:51Yes, yes, I mean, it's the one we always know.
01:14:53And just by chance, it's the one that I know.
01:14:56Really?
01:14:56Yes.
01:14:57So maybe you can do something for me tonight.
01:14:59Wouldn't that be lovely?
01:15:00Do you want to sing with me?
01:15:01Yes, we could call ourselves the Singing Caftans.
01:15:05Oh, that's beautiful.
01:15:05Can you imagine all those things written everywhere?
01:15:08That'd be marvellous.
01:15:09So let's get our microphones and let's do it.
01:15:11All right, Alan, off we go.
01:15:12That'll be beautiful.
01:15:13Okay.
01:15:18Hold it, hold it.
01:15:19Just a minute, just a minute.
01:15:20One little thing I forgot to ask you.
01:15:22Yes.
01:15:22Is it true that you don't wear anything under your caftan?
01:15:26No, but I didn't read that.
01:15:30I mean, maybe if it's untrue, just tell me.
01:15:32Okay, is it too much to ask you if you don't wear anything under yours?
01:15:38If I do, it's a very well-kept secret.
01:15:43Let's keep it as...
01:15:44Oh, sorry, I'm just going to ask, that's all.
01:15:46But I didn't read it, honestly.
01:15:48Wait a minute, Alan.
01:15:50Also, I must...
01:15:51Also, I must...
01:15:52Now, also, I must tell you...
01:15:55What's that?
01:15:56Yeah, that...
01:15:57No, it's true, Alan.
01:16:01I must tell you that the Playgirl magazine, you know the one that...
01:16:04Playgirl magazine, yes.
01:16:05Is it the one that the women buy?
01:16:06Yeah, yeah, the one...
01:16:07Yes.
01:16:08Yes.
01:16:08Okay.
01:16:09Lylee does, for a start.
01:16:11Yes.
01:16:12What about you?
01:16:13Well, this one proposed me to pose without caftan.
01:16:17They wanted you to pose in Playgirl?
01:16:19Yes.
01:16:19Do you know, they got onto me today.
01:16:20They said, I represent her about this, and they were onto it.
01:16:23Will they leave us alone?
01:16:24They did it also to you.
01:16:25Just stop bugging us.
01:16:26Oh, come on, that's it.
01:16:27Let's sing.
01:16:27Well, is there no mystery left in the world?
01:16:29I know, there's nothing.
01:16:30Come on, let's sing for that.
01:16:32Yeah, let's sing.
01:16:33Would you believe it?
01:16:34Please.
01:16:34I'm on the way.
01:16:37Ever and ever, forever and ever, you'll be the one that shines in me like the morning sun.
01:16:52Ever and ever, forever and ever, you'll be my spring, my rainbows, and the song I sing.
01:17:07Take me far beyond imagination, you'll be my dream come true, my consolation.
01:17:21Ever and ever, forever and ever, you'll be my dream, my symphony, my own love will sing.
01:17:37Ever and ever, forever and ever, my destiny, my destiny, will follow you, eternally, eternally.
01:17:55Thank you so much.
01:18:11Thank you so much that was a lot of fun and I did enjoy doing the song it really was but we
01:18:22still we still haven't got a finish yes we have have we yes I have a surprise for you
01:18:27surprise for me you allow me yes certainly please madam
01:18:30I think it's the wrong word that's another fine mess you've got me into
01:18:47I hope
01:19:16I've helped to make your Saturday a fun, and time just doesn't matter, Dave.
01:19:27Tomorrow never, ever comes.
01:19:32At least that's what they say.
01:19:35I hope they're wrong, and it's not too long, before I spend another Saturday with you.
01:19:55Good night, everybody.
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