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TVTranscript
00:00:00Yes, it's Bruce Forsyth's Big Night!
00:00:28Ladies and gentlemen,
00:00:29Bruce Forsyth!
00:00:40Oh!
00:00:43Thank you very much!
00:00:45Oh dear!
00:00:46Thank you very much indeed!
00:00:48Good evening ladies and gentlemen and children,
00:00:50nice to see you, to see you...
00:00:52Ravish!
00:00:54It's a...
00:00:55It could be a very...
00:00:57Ravish!
00:00:59When?
00:01:00Ravish!
00:01:02I told you we shouldn't let Eric and Ernie's audience in!
00:01:04I don't know where you are,
00:01:11you may be near or far,
00:01:14so let's get the network together!
00:01:16It's Saturday night!
00:01:18So my audience are a little cheeky tonight.
00:01:20Alright then, I'm gonna give you one last chance.
00:01:22What do you think of it so far?
00:01:24Night!
00:01:25Night!
00:01:26Oh, these are my public...
00:01:28Tasteless!
00:01:32It's the big night in on ITV
00:01:34I can't see you but you can see me on the network
00:01:38Every Saturday night
00:01:42Got the whole of the network together tonight!
00:01:48Thank you!
00:01:49Thank you very much indeed!
00:01:51Thank you!
00:01:53And now, you're lovely tonight!
00:01:55Thank you!
00:01:57It's time for questions again!
00:01:59I always look forward to this, it's question time,
00:02:01so if you've got a question, let's put the lights up
00:02:03and wait until the microphone gets right to you
00:02:06before you start to talk and we'll have question time.
00:02:09Okay then, lady in the pink sweater
00:02:12in the brown sort of waistcoat-y thing there.
00:02:15Bruce.
00:02:16Hello dear!
00:02:17What's your name dear?
00:02:18Olive.
00:02:19Olive?
00:02:21Hilda, tell Alice!
00:02:24And Ethel, Olive's here!
00:02:26What a night!
00:02:27Oh, we should've gone abundance!
00:02:29Right!
00:02:30Hello, Ollie!
00:02:31Hello!
00:02:32Ollie, what is it dear?
00:02:33Your second name?
00:02:34Bishop.
00:02:35Ollie Bishop?
00:02:36Oh, God!
00:02:37Did the vicar hate you?
00:02:39Right!
00:02:40Off you go, darling!
00:02:41Have you ever kept Angela awake at night?
00:02:43Angela?
00:02:44Angela?
00:02:49Funny enough, I have kept Angela awake at night!
00:02:52You know, I always give her a nudge and say,
00:02:54I'm going home to Ethel now!
00:02:55LAUGHTER
00:02:56APPLAUSE
00:02:57Do you have any sleeping problems?
00:02:58Do you seem to have a bent towards this, dear?
00:02:59Yes, I do.
00:03:00Do you ever...?
00:03:01Yes, I do.
00:03:02Yes, I've been sent out of bed a lot of times through me snoring.
00:03:03Oh dear!
00:03:04Yeah.
00:03:05Who do you sleep with at the moment?
00:03:06LAUGHTER
00:03:07The Archbishop?
00:03:08The Archbishop!
00:03:09Well, Olive, I hope you've been Archbishop, and I hope Archbishop is your husband.
00:03:10Yes.
00:03:11He is?
00:03:12I've been I've been sent out of bed a lot of times for me snoring oh yeah who do you sleep with at the
00:03:16moment the Archbishop well I hope you mean Archie Bishop Archie Bishop is your husband yes he is
00:03:35we'll give Archie Archie and Olive that Mildred and Georgia Mildred but give him our love darling
00:03:45and may you have many many more restless nights together thank you what about the anybody else
00:03:50got a question yeah how about you the lady in the just the past Hilda there yes with your hand yeah
00:03:55um well my family and I've been watching your show yes the last few weeks and seems to be an
00:04:00awful lot of press criticisms and headlines oh yeah just lately how do you feel about this well
00:04:07would you really like me to answer yeah because you don't ever get a chance to sort of say anything
00:04:15about that well it can be a bit diggy at times you see I'd like to explain that the the pre-publicity
00:04:23for this show was enormous I think it's probably been the most enormous press campaign ever before
00:04:30the show not from us what I mean we wanted the press release but you didn't want it day after day
00:04:36week after week in fact two weeks before the show started I saw a little red light I thought this is
00:04:42this is too much it's too it's too big it's it's too mammoth and I stopped seeing anybody from the
00:04:48press for two weeks because I thought it was getting out of hand and I was proved right because
00:04:53with all that pre-press it made people think that when the show started that glitter was going to
00:05:00come out the set and you know it's going to be so sensational and it's like everything else if if
00:05:06people tell you oh you must go and see that when you go and see it yourself you're a bit disappointed
00:05:10and we were trying out a new show with a new format with new ideas you get criticized if you try something
00:05:18new you get criticized if you do the same old thing so we thought we'd try it it wasn't as we
00:05:25thought it would be and I mean a TV critic the other night on television said well it was marvellous
00:05:32for us because we had the giant and we had the challenger did you see this guy at all the other night
00:05:38he said the giant the challenger meaning that we were the giant because we've got lots of money and
00:05:43everybody's sorry for the BBC I'm sorry for the BBC that they haven't got more money for their license
00:05:48you know so everybody started going for the underdog and the press went for the underdog to get us down
00:05:55from there and the show I don't know if you people have watched the show regularly over the weeks but
00:06:01it has improved I'd say the last six shows are some of the best TV shows I've ever done in my life
00:06:08and I never kid me I sometimes try to kid other people but I never kid me and I know when I'm
00:06:13working well I know if I'm getting over to you 400 people here you represent at the moment we're
00:06:19getting 13 and a half million viewers which is a lot of people a lot of people and you know
00:06:26it could be better but I'm thrilled with that with a new show I'm thrilled with it and I'm doing
00:06:32something new people say to me would I rather be in the generation game and right up the top
00:06:37no honestly and truthfully I'd rather be doing something new that gives me a bit more of a ziz
00:06:43and keeps me working like that and criticism you see as a performer I will take criticism
00:06:49because that's a part of my job if I do my job badly as a performer I expect to take stick
00:06:56what I don't expect is criticism of another sort uh my personal life number one going to a party with
00:07:06my wife and having things written underneath the party which are completely and utterly untrue
00:07:11that I don't like one newspaper brought up um
00:07:15my ex-wife you know remarks she'd made about me seven years ago they rehashed the series of articles
00:07:25of seven years ago they rehashed it things she said about me I've never said anything about my
00:07:32wife because I don't think personal things should be said but this was done you may not believe this
00:07:37but the night before this show was going out on the air one newspaper was going to report a story
00:07:44that I had throat cancer do you believe that that is true ladies and gentlemen throat cancer by the way
00:07:52you know the the thing that came out in Saturday's paper it said the show had been axed it had looked
00:07:59as though the show has been taken off well I signed to do 12 shows I'm going to do 13 and that's how much
00:08:08has been axed things from this show we will put into another show when I do another show I hope for
00:08:15London weekend television and we will use things from that to put it but there was no truth there
00:08:21again in the show being taken off it was just the show was finishing like you know like the generation
00:08:29game comes off at Christmas because it always comes off at Christmas it was another bit of the old knife
00:08:34knife going in and you know I say good luck to the free press marvelous but what about a free hit back
00:08:42why can't we as people and not I know it's I mean this is marvelous for me if they if they put this out
00:08:49I'll be thrilled because I think sometimes somebody had a go back and you know I'm lucky that I can say
00:08:57this other people in public life can say it a certain amount but the people I feel sorry for
00:09:04the royalty of our family who can't say that is not true that is a complete lie you can't say that
00:09:14and you also I feel sorry for the ordinary man who lives in a terraced house and something's happened to
00:09:21him in life then again not completely true and he spends the rest of his life walking to his terrace
00:09:29house embarrassed by his neighbors because he's done one little thing wrong not quite as bad as
00:09:36it's been reported that I don't like and that I will always stand up against I just like to say the
00:09:43only thing you can truly believe in our press I have a lot of friends in the press a great deal of
00:09:49friends I hope they still will be my friends but the only thing you can truly believe look at the top
00:09:55of the right-hand corner you will see the date
00:10:02you did me a favor didn't you but there we are but now well you know we mustn't get on that sort of
00:10:25know because we've got some nice people here and it's this show business we don't want to sort
00:10:29of get too serious about the whole thing anybody else got another question yes are you with the
00:10:33glasses sir and the sort of yellow shirt yes all right then and the glasses yes Bruce have you ever
00:10:38sung in opera and if you haven't would you like to audition for us now oh yes yes you're the operatic
00:10:47society that's here that's right oh fine actually no I've never sung in opera I've done a few opera
00:10:55sketches which is send up opera things what sort of voice have you got in the operatic society are you a
00:11:02tenor or no let's say I used to have always what what do you actually sing sir no I don't sing
00:11:14actually oh you don't know I have the baton oh you're the conductor like you're the poor man's
00:11:19Alan Ainsworth if there is such a thing but have you any of your people here who are tenors or
00:11:29baritones and that kind of thing probably about half a dozen of each yes well all right well
00:11:33anybody down the front here because the microphones can't do go too far back any any male singers
00:11:38downstairs who can all right then any yes a male singer there sir fine jolly good what are you a
00:11:45tenor so you look as though you're a tenor I am a tenor yes here's your eye would you like to hit a
00:11:51note and I'll try and hit the same one you've lost me
00:12:15there we are I might be a star in your operating society no it's a thing I do adore I think some of
00:12:23the music is absolutely marvelous and I say I've only done sketches because I haven't got I have a
00:12:27cod opera voice you know I put on my cod opera voice is there a lady from the opera society here
00:12:32at all yeah but you're too far back dear oh yeah she's got a loud voice she said yeah you look at the mouth
00:12:45you get the mouth yes come down dear come down a bit further will you maybe you'll sing this with me
00:12:54how far do you want me to come
00:12:56how far do you still want me to come
00:13:00let's get her to the end there just by the rail she's probably used to singing by a bar
00:13:14that's fine now tell me what we'll do we'll do like the thing from rosemary rather I'll sing when I'm
00:13:25calling you and I go whoo whoo whoo
00:13:34It suddenly happens to brush by you.
00:13:49When I'm calling you...
00:13:53When I'm calling you...
00:13:55Right.
00:13:57OK, so you do the second bit.
00:13:59Oh, look, look at the thing!
00:14:01Are you in the operatic society, dear?
00:14:06I produce it.
00:14:22What are these days I'll learn?
00:14:25All right, my darling, I'll do the first line and then you do the second bit.
00:14:29All right, then? OK, fine.
00:14:31Right.
00:14:32When I'm calling you...
00:14:37Hold on, hold on!
00:14:40You do the second bit!
00:14:42Right.
00:14:43You're not producing this show!
00:14:48Maybe, I'm ready.
00:14:50I will answer too.
00:14:51Ah.
00:14:52You see, you do that bit.
00:14:53OK, OK, yes, I'll do that bit.
00:14:54Oh, and I'm calling you...
00:15:10I will answer too...
00:15:13Oh, oh, oh!
00:15:15Oh, oh, oh, oh!
00:15:17Oh, oh, oh!
00:15:18Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
00:15:30That was lovely!
00:15:31What a nice boy!
00:15:32You have a lovely boy!
00:15:33You like to be funny as well, but that was the timing was Martin. Hey, you didn't fall down. I'll never know. But your name again. Nellie Lindsay
00:15:50It's time for beat the goalie once more we've drawn out the hat to find out who our young people who are going to be
00:16:20on the line in a moment. But before we do that, we have on loan to us tonight from West Bromwich Albion, our goalkeeper of the week, Tony Godden.
00:16:37First of all, how tall are you? Six foot, only just. Are you really? Only just? Only just. Yes, must be these lifts. Because I thought you looked a bit small for a goalkeeper. Are you about the average size for a goalkeeper?
00:16:47Well, the majority of them are about six foot one, six foot two. Yeah, but you've got a bit of a jump going for you. All right, then. Now, I always ask this question because I'm always very interested in myself. What was your, you thought, your finest hour and a half on the pitch up to yet?
00:17:01I would say my debut. Your debut? Yeah, it was down at Tottenham, which is my own. Oh, no. So you played well and you were thrilled with it. Yeah. Jolly goodwill. We hope you play well tonight. All right, then. But one of them is going to get through. So we'll see what happens.
00:17:11Yeah. Okay, thank you very much for being with us. Tony Godden. There we are then.
00:17:19Now, hello. Anyone on the line? Hello. Who's that? Gillian Crawford. Gillian what? Crawford. Oh, Crawford. I bet this one will drive me crackers.
00:17:31How old are you, Gillian? Sixteen. Sixteen. Oh, lovely. Sweet sixteen, I hope. Are you sweet?
00:17:38I don't think so. You don't think so. Well, you sound sweet. Where are you from?
00:17:42Pankham, New Warrington. I see. And what school do you go to?
00:17:45Notre Dame High School, St. Helens. Oh, Notre Dame High School. Oh, do you have school dinners? Or do you take a lunch pack to Notre Dame?
00:17:56Do you have any pets? Yes, I've got one budgie. A budgie?
00:17:59Yes. A budgie. Oh, lovely. And, I mean, do you keep them in the cage or what do you do? Because some people let them out and fly around the room and all that.
00:18:06Yeah, well, we let it out, but it fell down the back of the radiator.
00:18:11Oh, no. Did it really?
00:18:15Yes. Oh, central tweeting.
00:18:19Central tweeting. Oh, she's giggling away there.
00:18:23Oh, we got a big laugh that time, didn't we?
00:18:27Well, what happened? I mean, what was his name, dear?
00:18:29Snowy. Oh, Snowy. Yes. And, I mean, was the central heating on or off or what?
00:18:33No, we put down its ladder and it climbed up it.
00:18:37A what?
00:18:38A budgie ladder. We put it down and it climbed up.
00:18:43Really? You put a budgie ladder down there and he climbed up to safety?
00:18:47Yes.
00:18:48Oh, he sounds a very clever budgie, really.
00:18:52Tony's in goal there already. And don't forget, you know, you control the whole thing and it's against the clock.
00:18:57This could be for you. It could be against you. It all depends.
00:19:00All right, then. So, good luck to you, darling.
00:19:02Starting from now.
00:19:04Left. Left. Left.
00:19:07Fire.
00:19:09Oh!
00:19:10Oh, what was that? What did you say?
00:19:13It was a very good save, though, wasn't it? Did you see that?
00:19:17For goodness sake, bad luck, Gillian.
00:19:20But a marvellous save, Tony. That really good...
00:19:22I thought that was going to be a good one.
00:19:23Anyway, bye-bye, darling. Bye.
00:19:25Bye-bye, love. Now, who have I got now?
00:19:26Nigel Hurst.
00:19:27Nigel Hurst.
00:19:29Been in no trouble with him. Yes, Nigel.
00:19:31Nigel Hurst, how old are you?
00:19:32Fourteen.
00:19:33Oh, you sound older than that already.
00:19:35Hope you don't lie about your age. Where'd you come from?
00:19:37Ponta de Lis, near Swansea.
00:19:38Where? Ponta where?
00:19:39Ponta de Lis, near Swansea.
00:19:41Ponta de Lis, near Swansea.
00:19:43Any hates at all? Hates?
00:19:46Eating chicken.
00:19:46Oh, well, just think how the chicken feels.
00:19:51Any other hates at all?
00:19:54Dressing up and having a bath.
00:19:56What?
00:19:56Dressing up and having a bath.
00:19:59Well, you should have the bath first.
00:20:03You silly little fool.
00:20:07All right, you know the rules?
00:20:09Against the clock, no goal's been scored up to yet.
00:20:11So, off you go, Nigel, starting from now.
00:20:14Left.
00:20:16Left.
00:20:17Fire.
00:20:18Oh, yes.
00:20:20A very good one.
00:20:22Well done, Nigel.
00:20:24From Swansea.
00:20:25And a good time, 5.6.
00:20:29So, that's pretty good.
00:20:31Okay, so stay on the line.
00:20:33Now, who have I got now?
00:20:34This is Kevin.
00:20:35Kevin?
00:20:35Kevin who?
00:20:36Kevin Baker.
00:20:37Kevin Baker.
00:20:38And how old are you, Kevin?
00:20:3915.
00:20:3915.
00:20:40Where'd you come from?
00:20:41Forest Hill in London.
00:20:42Oh, in London?
00:20:43Oh, fine.
00:20:43Forest Hill.
00:20:43Yeah, what school?
00:20:44Broccoli County.
00:20:45Oh, yes.
00:20:46Broccoli County.
00:20:47Yeah.
00:20:47Yeah, what kind of school is that?
00:20:48Grammar.
00:20:49Oh, grammar.
00:20:49You take her with you.
00:20:50Right.
00:20:51What kind of music do you like?
00:20:54Rock.
00:20:54Rock.
00:20:55Oh, good.
00:20:55And what's your favourite food?
00:20:56Fish and chips.
00:20:57Fish and chips.
00:20:57What kind of fish do you like?
00:20:58Rock.
00:21:04I thought we'd get a clever one, yeah.
00:21:06Martin Morris last week.
00:21:08Now, we did that about the music.
00:21:09Now, what kind of fish do you like?
00:21:11Rock.
00:21:12Rock what?
00:21:13With us rock salmon, rock eel, rock Hudson, rock of ages.
00:21:15I mean, could I say what kind of rock?
00:21:18Um...
00:21:19Oh, um...
00:21:19Make a choice.
00:21:24Rock Hudson.
00:21:295.06 to beat.
00:21:30You know the rules.
00:21:31Off you go, starting from now.
00:21:34Right.
00:21:37Five.
00:21:37Shoot.
00:21:38Oh, yes!
00:21:40Good shot, Kevin.
00:21:424.72.
00:21:44So they've put you in the lead.
00:21:46Well done, indeed.
00:21:47So stay on the line.
00:21:48And who have I got now?
00:21:49Debbie Reese.
00:21:50Debbie Reese.
00:21:51And how old are you, Debbie?
00:21:5216.
00:21:5316.
00:21:53I see you dying.
00:21:54Any pets at all, Debbie?
00:21:56A dog called Bobo.
00:21:57A what?
00:21:58A dog called Bobo.
00:22:00A dog called Bobo.
00:22:01What was that?
00:22:02Will you spell it, dear?
00:22:03B-O-B-O.
00:22:04I said, how was it spelt?
00:22:13Not how it smelt.
00:22:15B-O-B-O.
00:22:17Do you take it for walks?
00:22:19No.
00:22:20No.
00:22:20That's got B-O.
00:22:23You've got 4.72 to beat.
00:22:254.72 to beat.
00:22:26So it's up to you.
00:22:27Good luck, starting from now.
00:22:29Left.
00:22:32Up.
00:22:33Fire.
00:22:34Oh.
00:22:35Oh, very near.
00:22:38Bad luck, Debbie.
00:22:40Look at that.
00:22:40Oh, you were so near my love.
00:22:43Very bad luck, Debbie.
00:22:45But can I have Kevin?
00:22:46Yes.
00:22:47Are you there, Kevin?
00:22:48Yes.
00:22:48Well done.
00:22:49Well, you...
00:22:50Debbie nearly got you.
00:22:51You saw that, didn't you?
00:22:52All right.
00:22:53But you're the lucky one,
00:22:53so you'll be coming here next week,
00:22:55and we hope to give you a nice day in the studio,
00:22:57and you'll be meeting our celebrity goalkeeper.
00:22:59All right?
00:23:00Thanks for being with us, Kevin.
00:23:01Well done.
00:23:02Well done indeed.
00:23:03Love it.
00:23:04Here they are.
00:23:06And once more,
00:23:10our thanks in goal to Tony Godden.
00:23:12There we are, Tony.
00:23:17Well done indeed.
00:23:19Well now, before we bring back our winner from last week,
00:23:23who is a little girl, actually,
00:23:24and we're dying to meet her,
00:23:25but before we do,
00:23:26we'd like to meet the man
00:23:27who is our celebrity goalkeeper
00:23:29and is going to be her opposition.
00:23:30We welcome Ed Stewart.
00:23:33Yes!
00:23:36No wonder you're on radio.
00:23:47All right then.
00:23:48Well, let's meet the little lady
00:23:50who is going to start trying to put a few past you, we hope.
00:23:52It's Miss Helen Jenks.
00:23:54There we are.
00:24:02Have you had a nice day with us here?
00:24:03Yes, thank you.
00:24:04Jolly good.
00:24:04And have you met Ed before?
00:24:05No.
00:24:06Well, say hello to him.
00:24:07There we are then.
00:24:08I mean, he's always...
00:24:09Oh, very gallant.
00:24:10Very American.
00:24:11All right, so...
00:24:13Would you mind putting my helmet on?
00:24:15No, I'm not going to...
00:24:15I look bad enough with that.
00:24:17No, not you.
00:24:17Me.
00:24:19You put it on...
00:24:19You want to put it on there?
00:24:20Yeah, it's a bit of a tight squeeze.
00:24:21All right, well, go on then.
00:24:22Put it on there.
00:24:22Now, will you help?
00:24:22Yes, I will.
00:24:23Press down.
00:24:24Yep.
00:24:27You're right.
00:24:28That is tight, isn't it?
00:24:30Well, they can't call you, Big Ed.
00:24:32All right, Ed.
00:24:34Off you go into the goal, if you will.
00:24:35And good luck.
00:24:36And thank you very much for being with us.
00:24:37Thanks, Stuart.
00:24:40That was lovely.
00:24:41And come down here, my darling.
00:24:42We've got the shoulders all sitting there.
00:24:44We're all ready, Helen?
00:24:45All right, then, my darling.
00:24:46Well, you're 50 quid up anyway.
00:24:47And there's Ed.
00:24:48Look at him.
00:24:48What does he look like there?
00:24:50Okay, off we go.
00:24:51Starting from now.
00:24:56Yes.
00:24:57Oh, yes.
00:24:58Very good.
00:24:59Let them centre up again there.
00:25:04You've got loads of time left, my darling.
00:25:05Only four and a half seconds for that, then.
00:25:07All right, then.
00:25:07Off we go, starting from now.
00:25:09Oh, yes.
00:25:14Good.
00:25:15Well done.
00:25:19He's so thrilled with himself now.
00:25:21He really is.
00:25:22Right.
00:25:22Starting from now.
00:25:28Yes.
00:25:28Oh, yes.
00:25:30Well done, my darling.
00:25:31Now, come over here.
00:25:35And we've got to hear the old bachometer, all right?
00:25:37And on the bachometer tonight, a selection of beauty aids, a television tennis game, a guitar,
00:25:43a gold watch, a camera, a set of luggage, fashion gear for the young lady, a television
00:25:49and sound cassette player, a colour television set, and a stereo music centre.
00:25:54Now, what would you like to win?
00:25:55Stereo, please.
00:25:55The stereo.
00:25:56They all want the stereo, don't they?
00:25:57That's why it's at the top.
00:25:58All right, then.
00:25:59So, if you'll just get hold of that, all right, then, and have a go.
00:26:03When I tell you to, you've got loads of...
00:26:04In your own time, actually, in your own time.
00:26:06But give it as hard a bash as you can.
00:26:07Go on.
00:26:08A real hard bash.
00:26:11Have you got a guitar?
00:26:12No.
00:26:12Will you have now?
00:26:15Have another go.
00:26:16Harder.
00:26:17Much harder.
00:26:19Oh, better.
00:26:20Oh, the clothes.
00:26:21You still...
00:26:22Do you want the clothes?
00:26:24You'd rather have a stereo, right?
00:26:30I'd like you all to know, it's the third week I've done this.
00:26:34I didn't get any extra.
00:26:35All right, then, what's there?
00:26:37Because I do go a bit mad here.
00:26:38Right, the stereo coming up.
00:26:39One stereo coming up.
00:26:41Oh, ho, ho.
00:26:42There's the stereo.
00:26:50There's the stereo.
00:26:52Oh, this is stereo.
00:26:54How about that?
00:26:55And look at this.
00:26:56You happy?
00:26:57All this is 50 pounds.
00:26:59I tell you, what a nut.
00:27:01What a nut.
00:27:02Thank you for being with us again, Ed.
00:27:04Thank you, Tony, and good luck, Helen.
00:27:06How about that?
00:27:07Well, we'll be back in a moment with Anthea, 32 feet,
00:27:13and those brave souls who want to take part
00:27:15in this week's Big Night Screen Test.
00:27:18Thank you again.
00:27:37There we are.
00:27:43Welcome back.
00:27:44And let's meet her and let's greet her, of course.
00:27:46It's the lovely Anthea.
00:27:59Aren't they beautiful?
00:28:01They really are, they really are.
00:28:02Thank you, Bruce.
00:28:03All right, my darling.
00:28:03May I say how lovely it was last week
00:28:06and how much I enjoyed your old school report?
00:28:09Oh, yes.
00:28:10Oh, it was nice.
00:28:10Oh, good.
00:28:11I'm glad you liked it.
00:28:12I've always loved historical documents.
00:28:18It wasn't exactly the Magna Carta, you know.
00:28:21Well, I thought this week it would be rather nice
00:28:23if we could read one of my old reports.
00:28:26Have you found one of your old school reports?
00:28:27Well, that would be marvellous.
00:28:28Can I have the Redfern report, please?
00:28:29Oh, yes.
00:28:30And little Julie, they're very at hand for it,
00:28:32but that's marvellous.
00:28:33Jolly good.
00:28:34Here we are.
00:28:35Oh, that's a lovely bit of parchment.
00:28:36Isn't it lovely?
00:28:36Yeah.
00:28:37Yes, just moving on.
00:28:38Like a Burnie-in menu.
00:28:42There we are.
00:28:43Andrea Redfern.
00:28:44Class one intelligence.
00:28:47Oh, that's lovely.
00:28:48And it says,
00:28:49she is above average intelligence
00:28:51and very clever.
00:28:53Well, that's lovely, darling.
00:28:55Lovely.
00:28:57Uh, character.
00:28:58She is honest, obedient and co-operative.
00:29:04That's beautiful.
00:29:06That really is.
00:29:07Where am I?
00:29:08Uh, physical fitness.
00:29:10Oh, she is extremely fit,
00:29:12is a good runner
00:29:12and excels at games.
00:29:14There's a hidden meaning somewhere with that.
00:29:21What do you think?
00:29:22Well, I'm so impressed.
00:29:24I mean, I'd always thought you were a bit of a thickie,
00:29:26you know, and, uh...
00:29:27Well, I didn't mean you like that, darling,
00:29:29but I didn't think you were all there.
00:29:30I mean, no, not...
00:29:32I know what you thought.
00:29:34It's all right, don't worry.
00:29:35It's all right.
00:29:35Shall I go and get...
00:29:36Shall I go and get the jokes on now?
00:29:38No, no, no, you won't.
00:29:38No, no, there's no meaning.
00:29:39Please, please, no.
00:29:40I'd like to read...
00:29:40Close this?
00:29:41No, no, no, no.
00:29:41I'd like to read, darling.
00:29:42I never knew there was another side to you.
00:29:45It's beautiful.
00:29:46Obedient and co-operative.
00:29:47That's what we're up to.
00:29:48Let's see now.
00:29:48Physical fitness.
00:29:50Ah, yes.
00:29:50General appearance.
00:29:52Her coat is soft and glossy.
00:29:54She wags her tail nicely.
00:29:59And her nose is nice and damp.
00:30:02What is this?
00:30:03Oh, dear.
00:30:04This is your...
00:30:05This is your dog's obedience class report.
00:30:08Woof, woof.
00:30:12Fetch, fetch.
00:30:14Oh, that's right.
00:30:17All right, thank you.
00:30:20And as you...
00:30:21Woof, woof.
00:30:24It's now time for the first part of our Big Night Screen Test.
00:30:28You know, our jury up there,
00:30:29you will be judging on personality,
00:30:31quick-wittedness and sense of humour.
00:30:33All right, then.
00:30:34They're going to tell us, first of all,
00:30:35a sort of personal experience that's happened to them,
00:30:38and then they have the limerick
00:30:39where they have to put the last line.
00:30:40So, have we got somebody there, Anthea?
00:30:42Yes, we have...
00:30:43You've lowered the tone of the show already,
00:30:54but you've got a nice cheery face.
00:30:56Who is he?
00:30:56He's Geoff Evans.
00:30:58Oh, Geoff Evans, yes.
00:30:59He's 28 and lives in Hollyhead.
00:31:01Oh, Hollyhead.
00:31:02Yes, I know it.
00:31:02Yeah, the tide has to be bribed to come in there.
00:31:06He was born in the Rhond Valley.
00:31:08The Rhonda Valley?
00:31:09And lived there till he was 20.
00:31:10Oh, so it took you 20 years to wander from the Rhonda.
00:31:14Yes.
00:31:14And we've got another Welsh lady over there, haven't we?
00:31:16Yes.
00:31:22She's moved.
00:31:23She's going for one of those ice creams we're talking about.
00:31:25All right, then.
00:31:26What a fidget she is.
00:31:27Anyway.
00:31:29Mr Evans is an overhead crane driver.
00:31:31Oh, Evans above.
00:31:37Don't get restless.
00:31:38We'll get to you in a minute.
00:31:39Right.
00:31:39His wife's name is Trudy.
00:31:41Oh, is she a good wife?
00:31:42Very good, Mum.
00:31:42Oh, good, Evans.
00:31:43Right.
00:31:43Before becoming a housewife,
00:31:47Trudy was a machinist for a knitting company.
00:31:49Oh, so she knows how to pull the wool over your eyes,
00:31:51doesn't she?
00:31:52Give me her love, will you?
00:31:53She here tonight?
00:31:54Yes, she'll put them on.
00:31:55Well, we'll see you later for a drink.
00:31:56All right, that's marvellous.
00:31:57They have a little girl called Donna.
00:31:58Yes, yes.
00:31:58A little boy called Andrew.
00:32:00And because Jeff is a rugger fanatic,
00:32:02he wanted to call his son rugby.
00:32:05You didn't.
00:32:06Why aren't you calling a kid rugby?
00:32:07I mean, good girl.
00:32:08I suppose if you'd have been a badminton freak,
00:32:10you'd have called it shuttlecock.
00:32:11Shuttlecock Evans.
00:32:14I can just see him there.
00:32:16Yeah, he is a wanderer.
00:32:17Now, just put your elbow down there and stop fidgeting.
00:32:20Yeah, that is that woman,
00:32:21the other woman for the wrong, do you see?
00:32:22You're fidgety people.
00:32:23Now then,
00:32:24Jeff, thank you for being with us.
00:32:26And this is a true experience.
00:32:27Yeah.
00:32:27Jolly good.
00:32:28Well, away you go and tell us all about it.
00:32:29Well, a few months ago,
00:32:31my little daughter,
00:32:32I have a little daughter,
00:32:33four-year-old,
00:32:34she went to the shops with her mother.
00:32:35Yes, yes.
00:32:35And when she came back,
00:32:37I said,
00:32:37where have you been in Don?
00:32:39She said,
00:32:39oh, I've been shopping with mummy.
00:32:41I said,
00:32:41well,
00:32:42did you see anybody in the shops?
00:32:43Like,
00:32:44she said,
00:32:44yeah,
00:32:44I saw electric.
00:32:46I said,
00:32:46you saw?
00:32:47She said,
00:32:48you're no electric.
00:32:49I never heard of him.
00:32:51So I said,
00:32:51Trudy,
00:32:52what's she talking about?
00:32:53Like,
00:32:53seeing electric?
00:32:54She said,
00:32:54no,
00:32:55she means Patrick.
00:32:57So I have a brother-in-law called Patrick.
00:32:59So I said to Donna,
00:33:01hey,
00:33:01it's Patrick his name is.
00:33:03She said,
00:33:03no,
00:33:03dad,
00:33:04it's electric.
00:33:05I said,
00:33:05his name's Patrick.
00:33:07She said,
00:33:08no,
00:33:08dad,
00:33:08it's electric.
00:33:09He told me.
00:33:10I said,
00:33:10I'm telling you last time,
00:33:11his name's Patrick.
00:33:13So anyway,
00:33:14a month later,
00:33:15finishing nights on,
00:33:17gets home,
00:33:18the wife said to me,
00:33:19before you go to bed,
00:33:20Jeff,
00:33:20I want to nip down the shops.
00:33:22Will you mind Donna
00:33:23for 10 minutes?
00:33:24I said,
00:33:24I carry on,
00:33:25darling.
00:33:26So there's me,
00:33:27stripped off in the bedroom,
00:33:28strips off just down to one of the pants.
00:33:30And every morning before I go to bed,
00:33:32I like to go through my exercises.
00:33:35Oh,
00:33:35yes.
00:33:39I'm here for it.
00:33:39Yes,
00:33:40fine.
00:33:45You know,
00:33:45lose a bit of weight.
00:33:46Yeah,
00:33:46I don't know if I go to bed.
00:33:49Yes.
00:33:49Get on the whole presser.
00:33:50Yes.
00:33:51Yes.
00:33:53It's great there.
00:33:58You're very good.
00:33:58Ding,
00:33:59dong,
00:34:00ding,
00:34:01dong.
00:34:02It's something like Albert Bell sounds.
00:34:03Yes.
00:34:04And I said to Donna,
00:34:05you'll have to go down,
00:34:06answer the door.
00:34:07Down she goes,
00:34:09she comes back up.
00:34:10I said,
00:34:11who's there then?
00:34:12She said,
00:34:13it's Patrick.
00:34:14I said,
00:34:15well,
00:34:15tell him to come in.
00:34:17And I got up,
00:34:18an in-water electric man.
00:34:19Very good indeed.
00:34:30What about that?
00:34:32Put your coat back on here.
00:34:35Marvellous,
00:34:35Jeff.
00:34:35That was good.
00:34:36And a special bit of acting as well.
00:34:37Lovely.
00:34:38You're a fidget,
00:34:38but you're good,
00:34:39I tell you that.
00:34:39Now then,
00:34:40Jeff,
00:34:41it's the,
00:34:42he's still laughing at himself.
00:34:43Look.
00:34:45We've got your limerick now.
00:34:46You have to stand up for your limerick.
00:34:48All right then?
00:34:48You know what a limerick is?
00:34:49You've got to put in the last line.
00:34:50Lovely.
00:34:50All right then?
00:34:51Lovely.
00:34:51Lovely.
00:34:53Lovely.
00:34:53Right.
00:34:54Here we go then.
00:34:54A very shy lad,
00:34:56name of Fred,
00:34:58proposed to a girl
00:35:00and they wed.
00:35:02But he found that she
00:35:03was as simple as he.
00:35:06And she said,
00:35:07no bread,
00:35:08no bed,
00:35:09Fred,
00:35:09I said.
00:35:12Was that it?
00:35:13I said,
00:35:13no.
00:35:14It was a shame,
00:35:15that one.
00:35:15You mucked it up.
00:35:16But never mind.
00:35:16Let's have the marks
00:35:17for our Jeff Evans here.
00:35:21Eight,
00:35:2117,
00:35:2323,
00:35:24what is that?
00:35:2638.
00:35:27Well done indeed.
00:35:28Thank you very much indeed,
00:35:30Jeff,
00:35:30over there if you will.
00:35:31Thank you for being with us.
00:35:32And who have we got now,
00:35:32Anthea?
00:35:36And this is Alan Nimmo.
00:35:38Oh yes?
00:35:39Nimmo?
00:35:40Yeah.
00:35:40Oh golly gosh.
00:35:41Oh thank you.
00:35:43They got the penguin.
00:35:45Yes,
00:35:46show us your feet.
00:35:49And he was born in Stirling.
00:35:50Yeah,
00:35:50with a silver spoon in his mouth.
00:35:52Yes.
00:35:52Which is father porn,
00:35:53we all know that one.
00:35:54Yes.
00:35:54Anything else about him?
00:35:56Alan likes all
00:35:57normal healthy habits.
00:36:00Oh.
00:36:01How often?
00:36:01Twice a week.
00:36:05But he prefers playing sports.
00:36:07Oh yeah,
00:36:07well it does last longer,
00:36:08doesn't it?
00:36:09He isn't.
00:36:13What's the matter?
00:36:13What are you laughing at?
00:36:15Anyway,
00:36:16come on.
00:36:16Yes?
00:36:17He isn't a good spectator.
00:36:19Oh well there's no answer to that,
00:36:20is there?
00:36:21No answer to that at all.
00:36:22But thank you for being with us
00:36:23and if you'll just put your elbow down there,
00:36:25we'll find out all.
00:36:25This is a personal experience
00:36:27that happened to you and you alone.
00:36:28Very true.
00:36:28All right then,
00:36:29away you go.
00:36:30All right Alan?
00:36:30Okay,
00:36:31I was at a fairground.
00:36:31A fairground?
00:36:32Fairground.
00:36:32Goes into the fortune teller.
00:36:34Right?
00:36:34You get the fortune teller,
00:36:35gets out of a wee crystal ball.
00:36:36Yeah.
00:36:37Gills my palm.
00:36:39Yeah.
00:36:39She says to me,
00:36:40he says,
00:36:40whatever you do,
00:36:41don't go out on the 14th the next month,
00:36:43once,
00:36:44or you'll get knocked down by a bus.
00:36:46And this actually happened?
00:36:47Yeah.
00:36:47Yeah.
00:36:48I says,
00:36:48well fair enough,
00:36:49nothing else you can say to that.
00:36:50Yeah.
00:36:51Right?
00:36:51So I goes home,
00:36:52right?
00:36:53Yeah.
00:36:53Looks at the calendar,
00:36:5414th the next month,
00:36:55it's a Sunday.
00:36:56No problem,
00:36:57I can stay in bed all day,
00:36:58no work to go to.
00:36:59Yeah.
00:37:00Yeah.
00:37:00So the 14th eventually comes,
00:37:02right?
00:37:03You got a lovely face,
00:37:05doesn't he?
00:37:06Lovely cheeky face,
00:37:07yeah,
00:37:07go on.
00:37:08Yeah.
00:37:08So the 14th eventually comes,
00:37:10right?
00:37:10Yes,
00:37:10yes.
00:37:10Breakfast in bed,
00:37:11first time to have been married,
00:37:12great,
00:37:13you know?
00:37:13Dinner comes,
00:37:14you know?
00:37:14Gets my dinner in bed,
00:37:15great.
00:37:16Wife doesn't want to see me
00:37:17knock down by a bus,
00:37:18you see?
00:37:18Doesn't want me off work
00:37:19for a week,
00:37:20you know?
00:37:20Exactly.
00:37:21Yeah,
00:37:21fair enough,
00:37:21you know?
00:37:23Six or seven o'clock
00:37:24comes at night,
00:37:24you know?
00:37:25Get bored,
00:37:25staying in bed all day
00:37:26on your own,
00:37:26you know what it's like,
00:37:27you know?
00:37:28Nothing to do,
00:37:28you know?
00:37:29Well,
00:37:29yeah,
00:37:29if you're on your own,
00:37:30yeah.
00:37:33Know what you mean,
00:37:34know what you mean,
00:37:34you know?
00:37:34Say no more.
00:37:35Right.
00:37:35So I gets up,
00:37:36gets on my slippers,
00:37:37gets on my dressing gown,
00:37:38goes down the stairs.
00:37:40The next minute,
00:37:42goes down the bottom.
00:37:45I gets up,
00:37:45and I looks around,
00:37:47and I hears this
00:37:47clitter clatter.
00:37:49My son had left
00:37:50his toy ride bus
00:37:50on the middle of the stairs.
00:37:52That's really,
00:37:53that's lovely,
00:37:55isn't it?
00:37:57Really?
00:38:00That's incredible.
00:38:01That's really true.
00:38:01A rock bomb.
00:38:04Good gracious.
00:38:05Did you hurt yourself?
00:38:06No,
00:38:06I'm just knocking on
00:38:07bruises.
00:38:07Yeah,
00:38:08bruises,
00:38:08but you went the
00:38:09whole way to
00:38:10good gracious.
00:38:10Well,
00:38:11that is a remarkable
00:38:12story.
00:38:13Now then,
00:38:13we've got your
00:38:14sort of limerick
00:38:14coming up now.
00:38:15You've got to put
00:38:15a last line to this.
00:38:16All right then?
00:38:17So it's quick-wittedness.
00:38:18Here we go.
00:38:19A silly young
00:38:20Scot named
00:38:22McKiplin
00:38:23had a sporran
00:38:25all fluffy
00:38:25and rippling.
00:38:29One night
00:38:30the poor lad
00:38:31wore it
00:38:32inside his plaid.
00:38:34And it wasn't
00:38:34half itching
00:38:35and tickling.
00:38:39Very good.
00:38:40And a limo there.
00:38:41There we are.
00:38:43Very good indeed.
00:38:44Let's have a look.
00:38:457, 15, 22, 31, 39.
00:38:49Very well down indeed.
00:38:50Thank you, Alan.
00:38:51Over there,
00:38:51if you will.
00:38:52Jolly good.
00:38:52And who have we got now?
00:38:56This is another Jeff.
00:38:58Another Jeff?
00:38:58Jeff Chappell.
00:38:59Oh, yes, yes.
00:39:00He lives in Osset
00:39:01in Dewsbury.
00:39:02Yes.
00:39:02And he's a farmer.
00:39:03Oh, yeah.
00:39:04Any burning ambitions?
00:39:06There's a lot of
00:39:07arse in about.
00:39:08Before becoming a
00:39:09farmer,
00:39:10Jeff was a
00:39:10welder.
00:39:11Oh, yeah.
00:39:11His wife name
00:39:12is Susan
00:39:13and she is a
00:39:14welder.
00:39:15Oh, dear.
00:39:15You must have a
00:39:16life of happily
00:39:16welded bliss.
00:39:18Is the spark
00:39:19still there?
00:39:19Yes.
00:39:20We'll give her
00:39:20our love,
00:39:21won't you?
00:39:21Good.
00:39:21He has a
00:39:22Hillman Hunter
00:39:22card.
00:39:23Oh, so you
00:39:23often sort of
00:39:24give people
00:39:25a farmer's
00:39:25lift?
00:39:27You're a
00:39:27farmer, by
00:39:28the way.
00:39:28You know
00:39:28that, don't
00:39:28you?
00:39:29I thought I'd
00:39:29mention it.
00:39:30Right.
00:39:30Jeff's hobby
00:39:31is playing
00:39:32rugby league
00:39:32and he's
00:39:33split his
00:39:34lip.
00:39:34Oh, another
00:39:35rugby, yeah.
00:39:35Broken
00:39:35his nose.
00:39:36God.
00:39:37And also
00:39:37lost a
00:39:38front tooth.
00:39:38Oh, you
00:39:39are a
00:39:39silly lot of
00:39:39ruggers.
00:39:40You really
00:39:40are.
00:39:41I don't
00:39:42know how you
00:39:42play that
00:39:43game.
00:39:43Thanks a lot,
00:39:44Andy.
00:39:44I really
00:39:45don't.
00:39:45How are you
00:39:45rushing to
00:39:46nothing like
00:39:47that?
00:39:47It's all.
00:39:48But there
00:39:48you are.
00:39:48There must
00:39:48be something.
00:39:49What do
00:39:49you like about
00:39:50playing?
00:39:50Is it just
00:39:51the physical
00:39:52contact of
00:39:52the game?
00:39:53It's
00:39:53sportsmanship.
00:39:55Just the
00:39:55sportsmanship.
00:39:56Just to get
00:39:57over the
00:39:57other line
00:39:58at the
00:39:58other side.
00:39:59Well, there
00:39:59we are.
00:39:59Will you
00:40:00tell us
00:40:00your little
00:40:00anecdote?
00:40:01Yeah.
00:40:02Away you
00:40:02go.
00:40:03All right,
00:40:03Jeff?
00:40:03Yeah, well,
00:40:04this happened
00:40:04a few years
00:40:05ago and me
00:40:06and my wife
00:40:06Susan had been
00:40:07out for a
00:40:07drink.
00:40:08Yes.
00:40:09Anyway, we
00:40:10called it
00:40:10Fish and
00:40:11Chips Shop
00:40:11Hunt Way
00:40:11Home.
00:40:12Hunt Way
00:40:12Home.
00:40:13Hunt Way
00:40:13Home.
00:40:14They're a bit
00:40:17cute, so I
00:40:17thought I'll
00:40:18turn my
00:40:18lights off
00:40:18on the car,
00:40:19you see.
00:40:20Turned your
00:40:20lights off?
00:40:20Yeah.
00:40:21You know,
00:40:21safe battery.
00:40:23So, we got
00:40:25Fish and
00:40:26Chips and we
00:40:26came out,
00:40:27got it
00:40:27and we set
00:40:27off home.
00:40:28I looked
00:40:29into me,
00:40:29that's this
00:40:29blue flashing
00:40:30light.
00:40:32She says,
00:40:32oh, I
00:40:32wonder who it
00:40:33is.
00:40:33I said,
00:40:33it's police.
00:40:34In front of
00:40:34us light.
00:40:35Yeah.
00:40:36So,
00:40:36one window
00:40:37down,
00:40:38police
00:40:38constable
00:40:38come to
00:40:39me and
00:40:39he says,
00:40:40excuse me,
00:40:40sir,
00:40:40do you
00:40:41know your
00:40:41lights weren't
00:40:41on?
00:40:42I said,
00:40:43oh, sorry,
00:40:43officer,
00:40:43I said,
00:40:44I've just
00:40:44called it Fish
00:40:44Shop and
00:40:45forgot to
00:40:46put them
00:40:46back on
00:40:46light.
00:40:48He says,
00:40:48oh, by
00:40:48the way,
00:40:49you were
00:40:49speeding.
00:40:50I says,
00:40:50oh, well,
00:40:50I couldn't
00:40:51see my
00:40:51speedo because
00:40:51I didn't
00:40:52have my
00:40:52lights on.
00:40:58Quick
00:40:58thinking there.
00:41:00Very
00:41:00good.
00:41:02That is
00:41:03quick thinking,
00:41:03Jeff, and
00:41:04now we
00:41:04want a bit
00:41:04more quick
00:41:05thinking from
00:41:05you now.
00:41:06All right,
00:41:06then, here is
00:41:07your limerick
00:41:07coming up
00:41:08now.
00:41:09An Irish
00:41:09athlete called
00:41:11McBlot won a
00:41:13beautiful silvery
00:41:14pot.
00:41:15It wasn't for
00:41:16thumping or
00:41:17running or
00:41:18jumping.
00:41:19But for
00:41:20heading the
00:41:20wall, the
00:41:20clot.
00:41:21foot.
00:41:24Yes, well,
00:41:26pretty good,
00:41:28pretty good.
00:41:29Turn it
00:41:29round the
00:41:29right way,
00:41:30William.
00:41:30There,
00:41:31dear.
00:41:32That's it.
00:41:3315, 22,
00:41:3529, 35.
00:41:36Well done
00:41:36indeed.
00:41:37Thank you,
00:41:37Jeff, for being
00:41:38with us.
00:41:38Jeff Chappell.
00:41:39And how have you
00:41:39got on tonight,
00:41:40Antje?
00:41:41Well,
00:41:41Alan Limow
00:41:42has won with
00:41:4339 points.
00:41:44Oh, yes,
00:41:45the Stochman.
00:41:45Yes,
00:41:46the Stochman.
00:41:50Yes.
00:41:52The first
00:41:53Stochman to be
00:41:54a screen tester.
00:41:56And here's your
00:41:56trophy, your
00:41:57little Brucie.
00:41:57You can bundle it
00:41:58anywhere in the
00:41:58house.
00:41:59All right,
00:41:59then.
00:41:59Put it in a
00:42:00place of honour
00:42:00somewhere, we
00:42:01hope.
00:42:01And all the
00:42:02losers will be
00:42:02getting a silver,
00:42:03Brucie.
00:42:04Thank you,
00:42:04Mish.
00:42:04All right,
00:42:05then?
00:42:05Fine.
00:42:06Now, then,
00:42:07we've got a good
00:42:07part for you this
00:42:08week.
00:42:08There's loads of
00:42:09girls in the
00:42:10screen tester.
00:42:11You're going to
00:42:11have the time of
00:42:12your life.
00:42:12All right,
00:42:12then.
00:42:13That will be
00:42:13very soon,
00:42:14so we're going
00:42:14to get you
00:42:14all togged up.
00:42:15Thank you very
00:42:16much.
00:42:16We'll see you
00:42:16soon for the
00:42:17Big Night
00:42:17Screen Test.
00:42:20And now,
00:42:25while we're
00:42:25waiting for our
00:42:26screen tester to
00:42:27get ready,
00:42:28let's meet
00:42:29160 terrific
00:42:30toes.
00:42:31Of course,
00:42:31they belong to
00:42:3332 feet.
00:42:34young man,
00:42:47young man,
00:42:47there's no need to
00:42:48feel down,
00:42:49I said,
00:42:50young man,
00:42:51pick yourself off the
00:42:52ground,
00:42:53I said,
00:42:53young man,
00:42:54cause you're in a new
00:42:56town,
00:42:56there's no need to
00:42:58be unhappy,
00:43:00young man,
00:43:02there's a place
00:43:02you can go,
00:43:03I said,
00:43:04young man,
00:43:05when you're short
00:43:06and you don't,
00:43:07you can't stay there,
00:43:09and I'm sure you
00:43:10will find many ways.
00:43:11It's fun to stay at
00:43:18the YMCA,
00:43:20it's fun to stay at
00:43:21the YMCA,
00:43:24they have everything
00:43:26for your men to enjoy,
00:43:28you can hang out
00:43:29with our own boy,
00:43:31it's fun to stay at
00:43:32the YMCA,
00:43:34it's fun to stay at
00:43:35the YMCA,
00:43:38you can get
00:43:40yourself to you,
00:43:40you can have
00:43:41a good meal,
00:43:42you can do
00:43:43whatever you feel.
00:44:02YMCA,
00:44:02it's fun to stay at
00:44:04the YMCA,
00:44:07young man,
00:44:08you're mad,
00:44:09oh,
00:44:09you're listening to me,
00:44:10young man,
00:44:11young man,
00:44:12you're mad,
00:44:12you're mad,
00:44:13you're mad,
00:44:13you're mad,
00:44:13you're mad,
00:44:14you're mad,
00:44:14you're mad,
00:44:14you're mad,
00:44:15you're mad,
00:44:15you're mad,
00:44:15you're mad,
00:44:16you're mad,
00:44:16you're mad.
00:44:20APPLAUSE
00:44:20All right, then.
00:44:23Thank you, 32 feet.
00:44:26And now it's time
00:44:28for the Big Night Screen Fest.
00:44:30The part of James Bond
00:44:32will be played
00:44:33by Alan Nimmo.
00:44:35APPLAUSE
00:44:35So, here we go with the man with the golden chin.
00:44:54Run alone.
00:44:57Toop, should have been a musical, shouldn't it?
00:45:00It's a music.
00:45:02Hello? This is Shake a Leg.
00:45:09No, Shake a Leg.
00:45:11Could you send me up some tea and a little crumpet?
00:45:14No, on second thoughts, I'll leave first.
00:45:17Send me up some lunch.
00:45:20Yes, I'm in room 563-984-2732-865-2369.
00:45:29Yes. Of course I'm on the first floor.
00:45:32I'm sick of this voice already, aren't you?
00:45:35Oh! Who can that be?
00:45:38You?
00:45:40What do you want?
00:45:42What?
00:45:43Lou.
00:45:44You want the Lou?
00:45:45Yeah.
00:45:46Oh, for goodness sake!
00:45:47You're going upside down!
00:45:49Isn't that Lou?
00:45:51So, 07!
00:45:52Oh, now, darling!
00:46:03Pork pies ruin your life, you know that, don't you?
00:46:06Sorry about that.
00:46:08That's all you know that.
00:46:10Right, cut!
00:46:12Right!
00:46:13Action!
00:46:14Oh!
00:46:15Who are you?
00:46:16007.
00:46:17James Bond.
00:46:18You look more like Brooke Bond.
00:46:19Anyway!
00:46:20Ah, you're the man sent by MI5 to protect me against the evil Dr Noe and his team of deadly girl assassins.
00:46:37We have to be careful.
00:46:38This hotel is swarming with people who want to kill me.
00:46:42Are you well prepared?
00:46:44Have no fear, sheik-a-leg.
00:46:51Sheik-a-leg?
00:46:53I'm wearing an Irish bulletproof vest.
00:46:56An Irish bulletproof vest?
00:46:57Let me see.
00:47:04Listen, I know your license to kill, but there's no need to practice on the jokes.
00:47:09Just stick around.
00:47:10If anyone tries to bump me off, you stop them, all right?
00:47:14Don't worry.
00:47:15I will protect you when the evil droops.
00:47:20Evil droops?
00:47:22That's not right.
00:47:23It's...
00:47:24It's...
00:47:25I will protect you from the evil doctor.
00:47:28Oops!
00:47:29I think there's someone coming!
00:47:32So...
00:47:36You didn't finish off the line, you fool!
00:47:38There we are.
00:47:39But never mind.
00:47:40Look...
00:47:41Come in!
00:47:42Look, all you've got to do is do as I do, and everything will be all right.
00:47:45Everything will be...
00:47:46Don't answer the dog.
00:47:49Sorry, monsieur.
00:47:53You ordered a meal, monsieur, it's room service.
00:47:56Yes, but...
00:47:57Yes, but look, I'm not taking any chances.
00:47:58You'd better taste everything first, all right then?
00:48:00To make sure it's safe.
00:48:01Very well.
00:48:02What have you got?
00:48:04You can see that already.
00:48:06Go ahead, second tip, monsieur, with this.
00:48:09Oh, yes.
00:48:10Go on.
00:48:11Taste it.
00:48:12Taste it.
00:48:16Mmm.
00:48:17Very nice indeed.
00:48:18It's poison.
00:48:21It's poisson.
00:48:22Poisson!
00:48:23Yeah, poisson!
00:48:24Poisson!
00:48:25With two S's, you fool!
00:48:29Didn't they ever teach you German at school?
00:48:32It's German potatoes.
00:48:34I'm surrounded by idiots.
00:48:37No wonder I feel at home.
00:48:38Look.
00:48:40Do the line again.
00:48:41Mmm.
00:48:42Get the bit of fish.
00:48:43The red one.
00:48:44That's it.
00:48:45The red bit.
00:48:46Mmm.
00:48:47Very nice indeed.
00:48:48That's...
00:48:49Poisson.
00:48:50Poisson!
00:48:51Yeah, poisson!
00:48:52Yes.
00:48:53Obviously a red herring.
00:48:56You had better start saying your prayers.
00:48:58Quick!
00:48:59She's gonna shoot me.
00:49:00Shoot me!
00:49:01Quick!
00:49:02Get the gun from your shoulder holster!
00:49:09I asked for a .38!
00:49:10This is a .36B!
00:49:16If your memory serves me right.
00:49:17Now, will you pack it in?
00:49:18There's another gun in the fish tank.
00:49:20The gun from the fish tank.
00:49:23Hurry up.
00:49:24I'm being killed here.
00:49:25Where are you going?
00:49:26The fish tank!
00:49:27That's the fish tank!
00:49:28That's it!
00:49:29Well, come over here!
00:49:32Right.
00:49:33Now get in front of me.
00:49:34That's it.
00:49:35Right.
00:49:36You had better start saying your prayers.
00:49:37Shake a leg.
00:49:38Get her, Bond.
00:49:39Bond?
00:49:40You're not so famous.
00:49:41James Bond!
00:49:42The same.
00:49:43Oh!
00:49:44Oh!
00:49:45Oh!
00:49:46Oh!
00:49:47Oh!
00:49:48Oh!
00:49:49Oh!
00:49:50Oh!
00:49:51Oh!
00:49:52Oh!
00:49:53Oh!
00:49:54Oh!
00:49:55Oh!
00:49:56Oh!
00:49:57Oh!
00:49:58Oh!
00:49:59Oh!
00:50:00Oh!
00:50:01Oh!
00:50:02Oh!
00:50:03Oh!
00:50:04Oh!
00:50:05Oh!
00:50:06Oh!
00:50:07Oh!
00:50:08Oh!
00:50:09Oh!
00:50:11Oh, Ollie!
00:50:12It's Ollie!
00:50:13Look!
00:50:14Yeah, it's a livin!
00:50:15Leave her in there.
00:50:16All right then?
00:50:17OK.
00:50:18Fine.
00:50:19I'll have a gun.
00:50:20Here we.
00:50:21Get it later.
00:50:29Your union's behind you.
00:50:32See what I mean?
00:50:33Right, you see what I mean? There was a close shave.
00:50:35Yes, we've got to be on our guard.
00:50:38Oh, dear.
00:50:39Oh, excuse me. I'm in a room next door
00:50:41and I was just having a shower and I ran out of soap.
00:50:45Oh, it's a shame.
00:50:46Do you think you could lend me some?
00:50:48Of course we could lend you some soap.
00:50:49In the bathroom, over there, the bathroom.
00:50:51All right, let me get some soap.
00:50:53What are you ducking for?
00:50:56Oh, no!
00:50:58Bond, Bond, she's trying to kill me!
00:51:01Bond, Bond!
00:51:02Bond! Come back, you fool!
00:51:05Bond?
00:51:07Not thee, James Bond?
00:51:09The same.
00:51:12That's right. I'm one of the Basildon Bonds.
00:51:16What are you, Nick?
00:51:17Can't be doing all the jokes!
00:51:19It's James Bond!
00:51:20It...
00:51:21Look...
00:51:22What are you doing?
00:51:33Making a remake of Moby Dick?
00:51:35Come back here!
00:51:36Go on, I don't think she'll give us...
00:51:51I don't think she'll give us any more trouble.
00:51:54No, I don't think she'll give us any more trouble.
00:51:55No, I don't think she'll give us any more trouble.
00:51:56Poor girl, yes!
00:51:57Help!
00:51:58Oh, help!
00:51:59Just a minute, there's someone shouting.
00:52:02It's coming from that trunk.
00:52:04Must be a trunk call.
00:52:06Who are you?
00:52:07I am Kamikaze Agent, sent by Dr. No to destroy you both.
00:52:13Kamikaze Agent?
00:52:15What do you mean?
00:52:16There are explosives all over my body.
00:52:18Oh, girl.
00:52:20And when I come into contact with any other human being,
00:52:23we are blown to smithereens.
00:52:25Oh, smithereens.
00:52:26I haven't been there for a long time.
00:52:28What a summer season that was.
00:52:29Come on.
00:52:30They're young there.
00:52:31You'd better try it out first.
00:52:35I mean, try it out first.
00:52:38Oh.
00:52:39Oh, I'll have it.
00:52:43So sorry.
00:52:44It must be a dud.
00:52:45Yes.
00:52:46Maybe next time.
00:52:47Sayonara.
00:52:48Yes, we'll have some bamboo shoots and some prawn balls.
00:52:50I think it ought to be nice.
00:52:52We'll have the whole thing.
00:52:58What a way, way to go.
00:53:01Oh, dear.
00:53:03She's blown her cover.
00:53:04Yeah, but there's another one out of the way.
00:53:06You see, there are a...
00:53:07Oh, who's that now?
00:53:08For goodness sake.
00:53:10Oh, dear.
00:53:11Hello.
00:53:12Avon calling.
00:53:19Not now, dear.
00:53:20We're in the middle of a film.
00:53:21All right, then.
00:53:21You're always the same.
00:53:24Oh, they won't take no for an answer.
00:53:26You go this time.
00:53:27For goodness sake.
00:53:27All right, then.
00:53:28Get this place tidied up a bit.
00:53:30Good afternoon.
00:53:31Hello.
00:53:31Hello.
00:53:32I have come to give you your massage.
00:53:34Oh, yes.
00:53:35Oh, good.
00:53:35Yes, and get me a drink.
00:53:36Fix me a drink, will you?
00:53:37I always like a drink after my massage.
00:53:38All right?
00:53:39There we are.
00:53:39Oh, that's lovely.
00:53:41Oh, yeah.
00:53:42Concentrate on the back of the neck, will you,
00:53:43because that's where all the trouble is.
00:53:45That's it.
00:53:46Just a minute.
00:53:47Just a minute.
00:53:47I'm taking...
00:53:48No.
00:53:48I'm taking my chances.
00:53:50Bond.
00:53:51Bond.
00:53:52Yes, Bond?
00:53:53Yes.
00:53:53Not the James Bond.
00:53:55Yes.
00:53:56Now, if you'd like me...
00:53:57I'm going to go.
00:53:58I'm going to go.
00:53:58I'm going to go.
00:54:01That's good.
00:54:01LAUGHTER
00:54:07LAUGHTER
00:54:09LAUGHTER
00:54:11LAUGHTER
00:54:13CHEERING
00:54:21I'm telling you, I'm cold!
00:54:23LAUGHTER
00:54:25APPLAUSE
00:54:27I dare you ruin my film.
00:54:34Tell me, have you met James Bond before?
00:54:38But of course I have. I am a counter-spy.
00:54:41Oh.
00:54:42We were both in the same intelligence unit.
00:54:44Yes.
00:54:44And I was your captain.
00:54:46Oh.
00:54:47And now, have you forgotten you should salute a commanding officer?
00:54:51Yes. How could I have forgotten?
00:54:53Oh!
00:54:54This is just getting it out of hand. Completely out of hand.
00:54:59I don't know what's going on.
00:55:01Oh, it's...
00:55:02Oh, no.
00:55:05What, it's the two degrees?
00:55:09There must be one degree under.
00:55:12One degree under!
00:55:13Oh, no sense of humour. Right, here we go.
00:55:16Which one of you is shake a leg?
00:55:18Oh, but what?
00:55:19Well, does it look like him, for goodness sake?
00:55:20I'm shake a leg.
00:55:21Who do you think it was? Dickie Davis in a tent?
00:55:24Well, you two of your wives come to satisfy your passions for the night.
00:55:29Oh.
00:55:29Well, er...
00:55:30Yes, well, I could do with my passions, sort of, satisfying, if you don't mind.
00:55:33Yes, but no, wait, I'm not taking any more chances.
00:55:35You must try everything with him first.
00:55:37All right, come along.
00:55:38Yes.
00:55:39Here, hold on, just a minute.
00:55:40There's something funny going on here.
00:55:42That's a matter of opinion.
00:55:43You shut your face.
00:55:47You speak when you're spoken to, all right, then?
00:55:49I know these two girls.
00:55:51They wear special poison nail varnish, so they can kill their enemies by scratching them to death.
00:55:56Get them, Bond.
00:55:57Bond?
00:55:59Not James Bond.
00:56:00James Bond.
00:56:01James Bond.
00:56:02They're all together now.
00:56:03Not James Bond.
00:56:06Get back in your baskets.
00:56:07Right.
00:56:09Yes.
00:56:09Oh, yes.
00:56:10Oh, here he goes.
00:56:13Oh, here he goes.
00:56:13Oh, here he goes.
00:56:13Oh, here he goes.
00:56:15Oh, here he goes.
00:56:17What are you doing in this business?
00:56:20Let go of them.
00:56:22What's the matter of them?
00:56:22Oh, now, now, now, these girls, remember the poison?
00:56:26Oh, oh, I say, oh, Avon killing.
00:56:31We've done it.
00:56:32We've eliminated all six of them.
00:56:34Now, Bond, for your reward.
00:56:36I couldn't take any money.
00:56:38Oh, yes, you could.
00:56:39Oh, you could, you could, you could.
00:56:40I could, now.
00:56:41Oh, you could.
00:56:42Oh, you're going to get it anyway.
00:56:43You're not going to get a reward.
00:56:46It's more exciting than money, Bond.
00:56:48Oh, would you like to spend the night with a woman who is as lovely as these six girls all rolled into one?
00:56:55One, all six rolled into one?
00:56:57Yes.
00:56:58I can't wait.
00:56:59Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:57:00Come here, James.
00:57:01Lie yourself down.
00:57:03Ha, ha, ha.
00:57:04Fatima.
00:57:06Fatima.
00:57:07Here I am.
00:57:08Here I am.
00:57:14Come on.
00:57:17Come on.
00:57:25Just a minute.
00:57:41Would you do the last line for us again and we'll have the music once again, Alan.
00:57:44The last line.
00:57:45Here I am, darling, full of East End province.
00:57:51LAUGHTER
00:57:51How about that, Alan?
00:58:09Did you enjoy yourself?
00:58:10Very much.
00:58:11Oh, it was a big night.
00:58:12Can we do it again?
00:58:14You're an action replay, don't you?
00:58:16You wee devil.
00:58:18Anyway, we'll be back in a moment and we'll be inviting Alan's wife to sort of join him
00:58:22to answer a few questions for our big night major prize.
00:58:26And these really are big and I wish you luck even now.
00:58:29So don't go away.
00:58:30See how Willie does.
00:58:31Thank you again.
00:58:31Your love.
00:58:32Welcome back.
00:58:59And here's our winning screen tester, Alan Nimmo.
00:59:03And over here, Amphia's bringing on his wife, who is...
00:59:05And this is Cathy.
00:59:06Cathy.
00:59:07Alan's wife, Cathy.
00:59:07Oh, well, thank you for looking after her, my darling.
00:59:09But you now have the choice of a coloured television or the music centre.
00:59:13I think we'll have the coloured television centre, please.
00:59:14Coloured?
00:59:15Yeah.
00:59:15All right, then.
00:59:15Can you manage that, my darling?
00:59:17Yeah.
00:59:17Oh, look at that.
00:59:18I'm still working.
00:59:20Yes, you are.
00:59:20Still working.
00:59:21Thank you, my darling.
00:59:22That's all yours.
00:59:23But, I mean, you know, this is...
00:59:25We're getting into the real big, big stuff now.
00:59:27And good luck to you before we even start.
00:59:29Now, do you want to answer questions on comedy, TV comedy, that is, film comedy or radio comedy?
00:59:35TV comedy.
00:59:36TV comedy.
00:59:37TV comedy.
00:59:37Fine.
00:59:38All right, then.
00:59:38Jolly good.
00:59:39Have we got the questions there?
00:59:40Thank you, Mitch.
00:59:42Well done.
00:59:42You get better every week.
00:59:44Right.
00:59:44Now, then.
00:59:45Here we are.
00:59:47Three questions all together.
00:59:49All right, then.
00:59:49Get all three right and you're in for a wonderful time.
00:59:52But, anyway, let's see how we go.
00:59:54Good luck again.
00:59:54Which famous TV character lived in the railway cuttings East Cheam?
01:00:04Tony Hancock.
01:00:06Very good.
01:00:06Tony Hancock, you're right.
01:00:08Well done.
01:00:12Well done, Anne.
01:00:14All right.
01:00:15Now, which sport is featured in the Leonard Rossiter series on ITV called The Losers?
01:00:22Wrestling.
01:00:23Wrestling, you're right again.
01:00:24Well done.
01:00:26Very well done, Dee.
01:00:28Now, then.
01:00:29Here we go for the big one.
01:00:31All right, then.
01:00:32Name three of the actors who appeared regularly in Dad's Army.
01:00:40Three.
01:00:42Arthur Lowe.
01:00:42Yes, Arthur Lowe.
01:00:44Yes, you're right.
01:00:45All right, then.
01:00:45Who else?
01:00:48John LeMessier.
01:00:49John LeMessier.
01:00:50Yes, absolutely right.
01:00:52Just got one more.
01:00:53What about the old man?
01:00:55Ian Lavender.
01:00:57Ian Lavender.
01:00:57Yes, you're right.
01:00:59Oh-ho!
01:01:01Well done.
01:01:04Well done.
01:01:05You will be taken from this place, hence.
01:01:18Now, then.
01:01:19You've won a special ten-day holiday on the other side of the Atlantic.
01:01:24What, then?
01:01:25By canoe.
01:01:26Shut up!
01:01:31You'll visit Los Angeles.
01:01:35You're not going, is it?
01:01:39I've been dying to do that to her all night.
01:01:40Oh, big man.
01:01:42You'll visit Los Angeles, San Francisco.
01:01:45Oh!
01:01:46And spend a fabulous week in Mexico, staying in Mexico City and Acapulco.
01:01:52Acapulco.
01:01:53Oh!
01:01:55Fairs, hotel, expenses, ice cream.
01:01:59Is there no end?
01:02:01And spending money all paid for us.
01:02:04Have you had a big night?
01:02:05Oh, it's great.
01:02:06Thanks very much.
01:02:06And you were a marvellous James Bond, and thank you very much for being here.
01:02:09Biggest night.
01:02:10Ah, thank you.
01:02:11Lovely.
01:02:12Now, then.
01:02:14We know...
01:02:14We know that you would like to...
01:02:20We know that you would like to thank the six lovely girls...
01:02:24Well, actually, seven lovely girls who helped you through the jet.
01:02:29Don't worry, she's at the end.
01:02:30Right.
01:02:32So, here we go, then.
01:02:33First of all, we do thank...
01:02:34And I know you'd like to thank...
01:02:36Denny Kemp.
01:02:37APPLAUSE
01:02:38Anita Pavel.
01:02:41Xena Clifton.
01:02:44Vicky Richards.
01:02:48Myrdelle Jourdine.
01:02:51Weiwei Wong.
01:02:54Francoise Pascal.
01:02:56CHEERING
01:02:57And Rita Webb.
01:03:00CHEERING
01:03:01What about you and me?
01:03:05Oh!
01:03:06There we are, then.
01:03:09And thank you, my darling.
01:03:11Take care of yourselves.
01:03:12Yes, darling, you will be.
01:03:17And mind the trans, then.
01:03:18Can I be led with him?
01:03:19Mind the trans, be careful down there.
01:03:21How about there?
01:03:22Is it all right, then?
01:03:24CHEERING
01:03:25Ladies and gentlemen, someone, we always welcome her home
01:03:30because, well, she's very much a part of us.
01:03:33Let's say welcome back and welcome home to Miss Petula Cluck.
01:03:37APPLAUSE
01:03:38I'm not in love, so don't you forget it, it's just a silly phase I'm going through.
01:04:06And just because, I call you over, don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made.
01:04:22I'm not in love, no, no, no.
01:04:27It's because...
01:04:29It's because...
01:04:34I'd like to see you, but then again, that doesn't mean you need you that much to me.
01:04:48So if I call you, don't let the fuck her, don't tell your friends about the two of us.
01:05:02I'm not in love, no, no, no, it's because...
01:05:16I keep your picture up on the wall.
01:05:23It hides enough to stain the slime that comes.
01:05:30So don't you ask me to give it back.
01:05:37I know you know it doesn't mean that much to me.
01:05:44I'm not in love, no, no, no.
01:05:49I'm not in love, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:05:56I'm not in love, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:06:03I'm not in love, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:06:10I'm not in love, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:06:17Wait a long time.
01:06:23I'm not in love, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:06:26So don't you forget it.
01:06:30It's just a silly phase I'm going through.
01:06:36And just because I call you a love.
01:06:43Don't get me wrong.
01:06:45Don't think you got it made.
01:06:50I'm not in love.
01:06:53I'm not in love.
01:06:57No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:07:05I'm not in love.
01:07:06I'm not in love.
01:07:07I'm not in love.
01:07:08I'm not in love.
01:07:09I'm not in love.
01:07:10It's a great thing to finish it.
01:07:11Do you know, that is a great number.
01:07:28Oh, thank you.
01:07:29I mean, I've heard it quite a few times a day during rehearsal.
01:07:31It's got a certain...
01:07:32The more you hear it, the more you like it.
01:07:34It's great to see it.
01:07:35It's beautiful, yeah.
01:07:36Oh, I forgot.
01:07:37Oh.
01:07:38Oh, hello.
01:07:39Well, you know, we know that you live so much on the continent, especially France.
01:07:44Did I do that right?
01:07:45Yes.
01:07:46Was it the right cheek first and all that?
01:07:48That was right.
01:07:49It was fine.
01:07:50For a city boy, it was very good.
01:07:51A city boy?
01:07:52What would be a city boy?
01:07:53No, no.
01:07:54I mean, in the country.
01:07:55A country boy would do it differently.
01:07:57Oh, in France.
01:07:58What would he do?
01:07:59Four times at least.
01:08:00Really?
01:08:01Yeah.
01:08:02And the cheek.
01:08:03Oh, really?
01:08:04Yeah.
01:08:05Oh, well, we're...
01:08:06Don't you start, for goodness sake.
01:08:10So, well, look, let's make out we're in the country, shall we?
01:08:14Because, I mean, this show goes all over the country, more or less.
01:08:17Okay.
01:08:18You're deceiving us, Grampian.
01:08:19So, for?
01:08:20Yeah.
01:08:21One.
01:08:22One.
01:08:23Three.
01:08:24Well.
01:08:25Fine.
01:08:26If somebody's just switched on, this is not bouquet barbois.
01:08:28Right.
01:08:29You know, before we get involved.
01:08:31But that was lovely.
01:08:32Do you know, the amazing thing is, Pet, that all the years that we've both been in the business,
01:08:36you know, both from childhood and that sort of and growing up, and we've never actually
01:08:40worked before together until tonight, which is amazing, you know?
01:08:44I mean, how come we've never done this before?
01:08:47I don't know.
01:08:48I guess I've just been lucky.
01:08:54Oh, well, that's one to you.
01:08:57All right, then.
01:08:58Well, I mean, you've worked with so many male superstars.
01:09:01I mean, people like Sir Alec Guinness, Peter Ustinov, Harry Belafonte, Dean Martin, Andy Williams.
01:09:09And now, you know, for you to be working with me, I'm so thrilled for you.
01:09:13Did that even us up?
01:09:20Just think. Think of all the fantastic musical films we could have made together.
01:09:24Well, this is something I've been meaning to ask you for years, because they were after me for The King and I.
01:09:29Yes.
01:09:30And there was a rumour going around at the same time that you were also offered The King and I.
01:09:36Right.
01:09:37Is this true?
01:09:38Mm-hmm.
01:09:39Well, what happened?
01:09:40Well, I just didn't want to shave my head.
01:09:42You know.
01:09:45You see, and I wouldn't wear the curly wig.
01:09:48You see, if only our agents had got together, that would have worked out very, very well.
01:09:52I mean, I'd have made a lovely yule chinner.
01:09:56Talking about films, do you remember an old film of mine called The Runaway Bus?
01:10:00One of the first films you ever did, The Runaway Bus, of course.
01:10:02Right.
01:10:03Well, the director of that film wanted you for it, actually.
01:10:05He did?
01:10:06Well, how nice.
01:10:07Well, it was only a walk-on part.
01:10:08Oh, yeah.
01:10:09What was it?
01:10:10Well, they wanted you to walk in front of the bus.
01:10:16I feel like Fozzie Bear all of a sudden.
01:10:19Let's have a truce, shall we?
01:10:20Okay.
01:10:21Look, my dine, you work all over the world.
01:10:24Yes.
01:10:25But I know you always love to come back to England
01:10:27because you do miss, at times, the British sense of humour.
01:10:30Oh, yes.
01:10:31Now...
01:10:32Especially tonight.
01:10:39Oh, dear.
01:10:40Good job I've got...
01:10:42Now, wait a minute.
01:10:43I didn't mean that, and I would like to say
01:10:45that I think you're one of the...
01:10:49It's too late now.
01:10:50He's done it now.
01:10:51He's done it now.
01:10:52He's dragging the river time now, isn't he?
01:10:54He's gone.
01:10:55I think you're one of the funniest people in the world,
01:10:57and it's marvellous because you're funny
01:10:59without being unkind or vulgar,
01:11:01and it's very, very difficult.
01:11:03You have to be very talented to be...
01:11:04Oh, my own little...
01:11:06Yes, sir.
01:11:07But I can be vulgar.
01:11:11And I wish I could be tonight.
01:11:13No, my dine, but it's lovely to know
01:11:15you miss the British sense of humour,
01:11:17but is it so different from the continental world?
01:11:19And particularly the French sense of humour,
01:11:21would you say?
01:11:22Yes, it is, yeah.
01:11:23You would?
01:11:24Yeah, it is.
01:11:25Well, for instance,
01:11:26could you tell us a typical French joke
01:11:29so that we could assess that?
01:11:30No?
01:11:31Yes.
01:11:32Okay.
01:11:33Well...
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